The Art of Diary Writing
by Zayz
Summary: Alternating diary entries for James and Lily in a slightly AU fifth year. A very naive, and highly embarrassing nadir to my short writing 'career.' Still here because somehow, people liked it. Enter with extreme caution.
1. Meet Lily the Pessimistic

**As of 3/25/08: **

**Hello, readers, and welcome to "Diary Writing," lol. Now, since it's been a while since I've even looked at this story, I find it necessary to warn you – ****this was my first **_**long**_** story for HP fan fiction, **_**and it shows**_**. There are a million and five mistakes I've made here, the plot is ridiculous as I look back at my planning, and I am ashamed of this story. Truly, I am. It's naïve, it's irritating, it's melodramatic, and it's painful to think I wrote it. **

**But, as will be clear, some people did like it – some people liked it a lot. Maybe you'll be one of them, but probably, you won't.**

**So, if you choose to venture out into the path of this tale, remember those things, and adhere to them; I've written infinitely better stories, which can be accessed on my profile, and this one is simply here as a monument to my atrocious starting-out writing style. We all need at least one bad story on our list, don't we?**

**So, thank you for swallowing that rant, and if you're going to read on, I wish you luck.**

**Zay**

* * *

**Lily**

September 25th

Dear Diary,

My name is Lily Evans.

From what I've heard, that's the first thing someone has to write in their new diary - their name. So I wrote mine – Lily Evans. That's not a very unique name, one of the many shortcomings of having very clichéd parents; my mum is a keen gardener, thus my name is Lily. My sister's name is Petunia - there's some thrilling originality right there.

But let's see here…what is there really worth writing about in this diary? I'm fifteen years old, I'm not very pretty, and I am known to babble, and I happen to be a witch. No, no…I'm not a witch in the Muggle (non-magic person) way, where I'm referring to myself as a terrible person. No; I'm a witch, meaning I can do magic with a wand and fly around on a broomstick. Well, actually, I'm terrified of broomsticks - and heights - but I _can_ do magic. My school is Hogwarts, and I'm a fifth year and a prefect there. The new school year only just started a few of weeks ago on the first of September, and my dad gave me this diary as a gift. He said to write some thoughts in here and mail the book home now and then so that he could "talk to me in a more personal way." I agreed to write in it, but it would go to no other hands, least of all my father's. I'm prone to being honest to the point of betraying myself when using journals and related books as "escapes." There is no way on God's green earth I'm letting anyone see what goes on in my head - that would be the single most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to me.

But yes, I am Lily Evans. I am, by no stretch of the imagination, a very interesting person. For instance, I've never actually had a boyfriend. Never. I am guilty of several crushes throughout my years, but none of them were ever acted upon. Meaning I've never been kissed, nor have I gone on a date. Guys in the Muggle world have taken me out for a milkshake before, but that's not really a date; that's a boy feeling bad for me, taking me out, discovering I'm as boring as a block of cheese, and politely refusing to speak to me again. In the Wizard world, I have been offered a chance to go out several times (apparently, wizards like dreary, hideous girls), but I hated all of them, and I turned them down. So if, in the _really_ off-chance anyone reads this journal, I can see where they'd just throw it on the ground and never try reading it again. Maybe it's a good thing I keep it private.

I just don't relate to people very well; that's a very simple truth that I don't mind starting off my "wonderful" new diary with. I have two best friends, Kyleigh Brookes and Leila Patterson, and I don't know how they manage to put up with me. I love them - they're amazing people - but I'm just so…unexciting. Kyleigh is beautiful and boys line up at her feet frequently, and she's always partying with people much better than me. She's in love with this idiot named Sirius Black right now, and he is one of the most arrogant, conceited people in the world. Leila doesn't really have a boyfriend either, which is some comfort t to me, but several guys like her. Despite this, she's only got one person she's interested in. That person happens be the most loathsome moron in existence, and his name is James Potter. I can't stand the creep, but she has this profound interest in him - don't ask me to explain why; I couldn't - not even if my life depended on it. It appears that James is "cute," and "funny," and "a really great guy who's fun to be around." That's using Leila's words, not mine; God forbid they ever be mine.

As you may have already begun to notice, I don't like most guys. That's one thing I need to document from the very beginning, because it's one of the fundamental things that make me who I am, when I actually have a personality. I just hate the way guys I know move among each other and show off, how they objectify women, and just generally how they act. They seem to be under the delusion that being a dork and using corny pick-up lines are the way to a woman's heart; for the record, they aren't. If anything, they deepen a woman's disgust in them, until they are nothing but a speck of irritating dust in their lives.

I guess that's all I can really say about me for right now. Like I said, I'm absolutely boring, and the people around me make me who I am. I suppose I do feel sort of weird, talking to a book like this, but I guess that's just something I'm going to do, whether I feel weird or not. I don't relate well to people, as I have already established, so I might as well treat this diary as my friend. So, back to business - the term hasn't had anything happen that's worth writing about, 'friend,' therefore I don't have anything else to say for the time being. Leila and I were thinking of going to Hogsmeade day after tomorrow, since Kyleigh has a date (already!) with this guy named Chris Daniels, and that's really the biggest thing on my social calendar right now. Sad, I know. But pathetic and sad are pretty much the heart of who I, Lily Evans, _really_ am.


	2. Meet James the Reluctant

**James**

September 25th

Dear Diary,

I don't get the point of this diary-I really don't.

I got it as a gift from my friend Remus-apparently I have some "issues to square with," so he's making me write in it. He has some messed-up theory about it being "addicting" and "fun to do." Yeah, sure; I have to ask him what dimension he exists in at the moment.

Anyway, I found out that I'm supposed to say my name, hobbies, friends, opinions etc. in the first entry, but I don't see the point in that either. This is an inanimate book; I shouldn't have to spill my whole life into it.

Still, I suppose I should write a _little_ bit about myself, since I am probably one of the more attractive creatures in the world. I'm James Potter, aged fifteen years. I'm a wizard, I live in Muggle London (the part of it that has non-magic people residing next to you) with my parents, and I go to school at Hogwarts, which is somewhere in the country-they never really tell you where it is, so we take a train. The first term started on the first of September, and we are knee-deep in lessons and homework at the moment. And yes, I _can_ do magic; to tell you the truth, I'm pretty damn awesome at it.

I also play Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team-the best team in the best game in existence. The Muggles like to play "baseball" and "football;" they're nothing compared to Quidditch. Muggles not only think up unsatisfactory games, but they don't even have decent, original names for them! You throw a ball into a basket for an hour-it's called basketball! You kick a ball into a net for an hour-it's called football! Amazing! Not really.

I'm a die-hard sports fan, as you can plainly see. I also think I have mental problems or something, since I've just realized how I'm writing in this thing. Ugh, I feel like a weirdo. But yes, James Potter is the handsome Quidditch-playing guy who likes writing to books given to him by his friends. Shit; I'm going to kill Remus.

Remus Lupin is one of my best friends, even though he's the one responsible for this blasted diary. He's a really nice guy-a bit of a stick in the mud at times-but nice all the same. He insists that writing in a diary will help me in many ways, and he wants me to write in it as much as I can. Ha, as if that will ever happen. I'm only doing it right now to humor him-I don't plan on writing in this thing again. Why did he have to force _me _into this? Sirius Black, my other best friend, is almost like my twin, so why doesn't _he_ need to write in a diary?

Sirius. Ha, if I had to write about Sirius, I'd be going on forever. He's like my brother; he's my partner in crime, and he knows me the best out of all of my many friends. He and I are the best-looking people in our year, so we're always out with girls. Sirius has the dark hair, dark eyes, and pale skin that gets a lot of girls, but I have discovered that many girls also enjoy being in the company of a Quidditch star-we always argue about who gets more girls. Right now, I'm winning, obviously. But we are the best of friends anyway, and we're particularly good at playing tricks and shooting hexes at people we dislike. The things we do when we want to mess with Snivellus…I'd have to fill up several of these stupid books to get to all of those.

Severus Snape-he's this slimy little git who is probably one of the biggest losers in the fifth year. He's unfortunately with me and my friends in most of our classes, since we're all in the same year, we see him all the time. We call him Snivellus-or sometimes Snivelly, if we feel affectionate-and make his life generally a dismal thing to live out. Believe me though; he _needs_ it. He's more experienced with the Dark Arts than most of the people in Hogwarts, but Sirius and I take him down most days of the week. Occasionally, he'll throw some hexes back at us, but that only ticks us off-we throw something much worse back at him. We hate each other as a rule-ever since we laid eyes on each other coming off the train in our first year. It was just one of those things which you can't explain, but you just _know_.

Peter Pettigrew is my other best friend at school. He's also a bit of a stick-in-the-mud, but he's a good person as well; I'd trust him, Sirius, and Remus with my life, honestly. Peter hangs out with us for a few main reasons: we are popular, we can ward off people who can hurt him, and we can help him with his homework. Peter isn't the brightest fairy on the Christmas tree, and he likes studying with the rest of us through the nights trying to pass his exams. He likes to play pranks and such with Sirius and I, and he's actually brilliant at coming up with ways of torture. He and Sirius deliberate for hours on the best ways to ruin Snivelly's life, and they are amazing at it. I come up with a few here and there, but we leave that job mainly to Peter.

Who else is important enough to be mentioned in this diary…of course! Lily Evans. Lily Evans is the best girl in our school; hell, she's the best girl in the entire world. She's perfect in every way-she's beautiful, she's clever, and she's got the best sarcasm I've ever seen in a girl. She's got the most incredible eyes-they're the most dazzling emerald green, and shaped like almonds; it's not only a pretty shape, but it happens to be my favorite nut. Her smile is a cup of cocoa on a cold winter's day, and her hair falls over her shoulders in these gorgeous auburn curls. She is nice to everybody-even Snivellus! That's saying something, because when I tried, it was the one thing I failed at miserably. I've loved Lily Evans from the moment I hated Snivellus, but there's just one problem-she _loathes _me.

I don't know why Lily hates me so much; I'm the most desirable person there _is_! I'm friends with pretty much everyone who matters, I have a knack for playing Quidditch, and I'm good-looking; what more could she possibly want? Almost every _other _girl in our year likes me, yet it is Lily Evans that I want, and Lily Evans I can't have. She has no idea how I feel about her; I know I come off as exceedingly arrogant, but when it comes to Evans, I think the world of her. She is the only girl I'm truly in love with; the rest of them are just there to entertain me when I'm trying to complete my never-ending quest to make Lily Evans fall in love with me. Let's get this straight right now; **no other girl really matters-only Lily**. She doesn't know how I really feel about her because of two reasons; one is that she is determined to hate me no matter what I do, and the other is because I can't help but make a fool out of myself when I am around her. I try so hard not to, but that's another thing I fail miserably at.

History of Magic, first period, starts in about five minutes; ha! I can tell Remus that I finished writing in this stupid diary now! If I'm lucky, I won't ever have to write in here again. So, for now, I bid you, this stupid, inanimate book, good-bye.

Oh my God, what's happening to me?! I've just realized that I only just received this infernal diary, and I'm already talking to it like it's a person or something?! This is completely creepy; I think my brain must be screwed up or something. This book is just that-a book-yet I am referring to it in this impossible manner. What has Remus done to me?

Ugh, he looks incredibly pleased right now; apparently, he gets joy out of watching me write eagerly in this stupid little journal, so I'd better prove him wrong-this book is _not _going to be what Remus wants it to be. _Now_ it's good-bye for good; I'm _never _going to write in this thing again.


	3. Hogsmeade Misadventures

**Lily**

September 27th

Dear Diary,

I went to Hogsmeade today with Leila, like I mentioned before, but I was unprepared for what lay in store for me once I got there. It was really out-of-the-ordinary, and I'm still reeling from it. I'm still not sure if I was hallucinating or not - I think I was though, because of what happened when I got to The Three Broomsticks.

So we entered the pub, The Three Broomsticks, and Chris is waiting for Kyleigh by the bar. He's classically handsome - tall, wiry, blonde, brown-eyed - and was sipping some butterbeer when we crossed the threshold into the place. He waved to Kyleigh and she took us over to him, grinning widely.

"Chris, you know Leila and Lily don't you?" she asked, gesturing to us.

"Leila, yes, I do know her," Chris replied. "I don't know Lily."

"Her full name is Lily Evans," Kyleigh informed him, dragging me forward by my wrist. "Get acquainted - she's a fantastic person."

"Hi," I said shyly, preferring to look at the floor rather than at his face.

"It's very nice to meet you, Lily," he said graciously, shaking my limp wrist jovially. "Would you like a drink?"

"Um, not at the moment, thanks," I blustered, feeling like a complete moron. "I…I need to go," I finished lamely.

"That's fine," Chris allowed, looking thoughtfully at me. I was disconcerted by his interested gaze; since when had _I_ been an object of much significance?

"Thanks for remembering my existence," Leila cut in all of a sudden. "I would like to leave you three lovebirds alone now, and if you care to join me later, I will be at Gladrag's Wizard Wears looking for some new socks."

"I'm coming with you Leila," I said quickly. "Bye Kyleigh, bye Chris; I-I hope you two have fun."

"Are you sure you don't want to join us, Lily?" Chris asked, seeming to be genuinely sorry that I didn't want to stay. "I can pull you up a stool."

"No, no, I want to go with Leila to buy socks," I said, positive I sounded like the world's biggest loser. "You…you have a date, and I wouldn't want to intrude. Please enjoy it and…Kyles, I'll see you later." Without saying anything else that could possibly embarrass me, I grabbed Leila's arm and glided out of the pub, trying to leave as soon as I possibly could.

"Why'd you decide to stay with me?" Leila inquired curiously as we walked in synch in the summery air. "Chris is really cute, and he pretty much forgot all about Kyleigh when he saw you."

"Well, it's _Kyleigh_ who likes him, and I don't like being alone with guys when they're trying to flirt," I clarified. "I felt bad that he mistook me for the likable type, so I thought I'd spare him the trouble of wasting his time; eventually, he'll discover that I'm about as fascinating as the stool he wanted to pull up for me, and I just wanted to save him the time and the trouble."

Leila laughed and smacked my arm playfully. "You put yourself down too much, Lils. He really likes you already, and you didn't even do anything - that's pretty impressive."

"He doesn't," I said shortly. "He was trying to be nice because he felt sorry for me - I've been through this before in the Muggle world. Now can we please not talk about it? Chris is pleasant enough, but he's not my type."

"Why, do you prefer people more like James Potter?" she teased.

This was quite a cruel joke to make; everyone - James included - knew that I can't stand him, and suggesting differently was pretty much like telling a cat that it really does like water deep down. It just doesn't work, and therefore, it's Kyleigh and Leila's favorite thing to tell me. Thankfully, we had just gotten down to Gladrag's, and I escaped inside while Leila laughed and made her way in leisurely.

She dove right into the sock section of Gladrag's once she got inside; Leila has this weird attachment to socks, and she had announced this morning that she needed more. God knows why - I didn't even bother to ask. But as she was showing me this absolutely repulsive pair of magenta and neon orange socks, I noticed my least favorite few people walking into the shop.

Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin walked through the door, laughing as usual, and Sirius went for the same socks Leila was showing me.

"What gross socks!" he said, guffawing for all he was worth. "Who would ever honestly wear these?"

Looking really pissed off, Leila hung up the socks and went to the other side of the store without saying anything else. I tried to follow her, but I knew James had seen me, and it was only a matter of time before he came over to talk to me.

Black, Pettigrew, and Potter; they are most irritating ignoramuses the world has ever seen. I hate them all passionately, and they love to infuriate me in return. Remus, mercifully, has a good head on his shoulders, and I will admit to liking him a little. It's nothing big, really - I just think he's kind of cute, not to mention the sweetest and most trustworthy boy I know. Still, I was not happy to see him because of the company he had brought.

"I swear he's stalking me, Leila," I moaned as we escaped to the other side of the shop. "James is always on my case and it's really freaking me out now!"

Before she could console me, James came jogging over, beaming as he began to plot out how best irritate me in front of my friend. "Lily!" he exclaimed. "I'm rather surprised to see you in here; how are you?"

"I was actually content, up until thirty seconds ago," I retorted. "Then you came in."

He smiled at me and said, "Ah, Lily. You and your sense of humor…you have no idea how appealing you make everything sound."

I rolled my eyes. "Please, spare me. Either tell me what you came to bug me about or just leave; I'm personally inclined towards your picking the second choice, though."

His grin became rather mischievous as he told me, "Alright then; I wanted to know if you wanted to go to The Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer or something right now, seeing as I have some time."

The coincidence - or perhaps the better word is déjà vu - of this statement left me baffled, and I simply stuttered, "Hell no."

Sirius, at this point, decided to bounce up next to us. "Hey Lils," he greeted me cheerfully.

"Only my _friends_ call me Lils, Black," I said pointedly. "Now good-bye; I am not going anywhere with you halfwits."

"You'd only be going with me," James pointed out.

"Whatever, same thing," I snapped. "Just go away."

James deliberately hung back, watching me with his deeply hazel eyes, but said quite calmly, "Alright; another time then. We'll see you around, Evans."

"Only if I'm really unlucky," I answered back angrily. James just smirked at me before leading his friends out of the shop, and I stomped over to Leila, seething.

"Why are you always so mean to him?" she asked, looking both highly amused and annoyed. "He really likes you."

"I have hated him since we were in first year, and I don't plan on stopping until he decides to actually be mature," I responded shortly. "Besides, you just said _Chris Daniels _really liked me. Chris is one of the most popular guys in our year, and he would have no reason to fancy someone like me. Let's see…how can I explain all of this with the fewest words possible? Here; James likes to _torture _me. That's different from liking the real person he's driving insane, so it's completely irrelevant. Chris is just really _nice _- he doesn't necessarily ask you out because he really likes you - he just does it because he feels sorry for you."

Leila giggled. "Fine, fine; now help me find a nice pair of pink socks."

Appreciative that she decided to drop the subject (I was almost positive that Kyleigh wouldn't have been this generous if she had been here), I rooted through the racks of socks to look for a nice pair. It was great fun, holding up the weirdest ones I could find, and suggesting buying them for Leila. She would snicker and tell me that she would only use them to stuff into my mouth when I was being aggravating, and I pretended to look extremely resentful. Then we'd start the whole thing over again, and we did that drill at least ten times before Leila found some socks that she liked.

Once we were back in the common room, Chris was escorting Kyleigh through the portrait hole, laughing at something she had said. When they came in, Chris all but disregarded Kyleigh and winked at me before scooting off to talk to his friends. My distressed bewilderment must have shown on my face, because Kyleigh laughed.

"It's okay Lily; I know he's got this massive crush on you, but when he flirts, you can definitely ignore it," she said merrily.

"Thanks Kyles," I said gratefully. "But don't worry - he is all yours; I don't like him that much."

Kyleigh beamed. "Thank you so much; I'm glad, because _I_ really like him."

As she skipped off to laugh at James's jokes with Leila though, I went back up to my dormitory and lay on my bed, contemplating the chaotic events of the afternoon. They had been really weird, in the way of boys. Apparently, two boys had crushes on me, and both had asked me out within five minutes of each other. I guess this year will be a little different than previous ones; Chris Daniels would never have given me the time of day a few months ago. I guess miracles really can happen - even to people like me.

**James**

September 27th

Dear Diary,

I can't believe I'm writing in this thing again.

Remus noticed that I had tried throwing this book into the bin after Transfiguration yesterday, and got really irritated for some reason. Apparently, I'm supposed to "respect the diary because it will soon become like a dear old friend." Yeah, like I'm desperate to make friends with a diary; I have plenty of _real_ friends I'd much rather be around. But the consequence of this action is that I'm supposed to write in this every day, or every other day if I forget to do it the next day. Remus has the sharpest eyes I have ever seen, and he has been hounding me all morning and afternoon to write something in it; I told him to shut up and leave me alone, but he wouldn't do that.

Still, since I'm writing in here, I might as well write about what's going right now in general. The homework situation kind of stinks at the moment, since its O.W.L. year and all that; we have a pile of essays to write and questions to answer, and I know that I'm glad for any excuse not to do any of it yet. O.W.L.'s are the Ordinary Wizarding Level exams that we have to take in fifth year-this year-because they will determine what advanced classes we will take in sixth and seventh years. The advanced classes are vital to getting a job later on, making the teachers throw truckloads of homework at us everyday.

I went to Hogsmeade village with Remus, Sirius, and Peter today as well, after Sirius, Peter, and I avoided Remus's homework lecture. Remus does that all the time, and we pretend to listen just to be kind to him; we honestly don't give a damn about any of the stuff he tells us we should do. Sirius yawned halfway through, and cut his monologue off by saying that he was getting low on Zonko's products. Peter and I hastily agreed, and an extremely pissed Remus joined us as we sprinted to Zonko's.

Their selection was particularly fabulous today; they had spent the summer and the entire month we've been in school coming up with great new pranks, and Sirius and I picked up generous amounts of anything we could get our hands on. There were powders that were guaranteed to keep you sneezing for at least an hour, potions that gave you complete control over any given person for three hours, and pills that made you act like a chimp for a day. We also stocked up on Dungbombs, Stink Pellets, and Dr. Filibuster Firecrackers; Sirius and I were poorer by twenty eight Galleons and twelve Sickles when our binge was over.

"Are you two really going to use all of that?" Remus asked us skeptically as Sirius and I carried out several bulging bags from the store.

"Of course," I said. "How else are we supposed to torture Snivelly?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Please James; can't you be a _little_ bit more mature this year?"

"Nope," I said brightly. "Try again next year."

Sirius snorted and nodded in agreement. "It's too much fun being immature, Moony mate. If we weren't, you see, then life would be mundane, tiresome, and predictable."

"In short, we'd live a life something like yours," I added. "No girls or anything. We don't want that."

With a smirk, Remus said, "Thanks very much, Prongs."

"Well, you _are_ rather boring," Peter pointed out. "You haven't ever had a good prank or a girlfriend."

"While I may not have had a 'good prank,' I do recall that you didn't have a girlfriend either," Remus contradicted, his expression dark.

"Maybe, but I have one of the two, which you don't," Peter said dismissively.

"He got you there," Sirius said, laughing, as he high-fived Peter. "That was funny."

"What do you lot say for a drink at the Three Broomsticks then?" I suggested suddenly, the idea randomly striking me at that moment.

"I'd say that you're paying, because I'm broke," Sirius said, grinning.

"I'd say we should go to Honeydukes first," Peter said. "I'm a little hungry."

"All right then; to the Three Broomsticks," I decided, leading all three of us in the direction of the store. As we walked, we passed Gladrag's Wizard Wears, and Peter stopped us.

"I want to look at some robes in there," he said, gesturing to a rack of vividly colored robes. "Can we go in for a few minutes?"

"Fine," I said with a sigh, following him inside the shop. We entered the place, and the first thing that caught my eye was the sight of Lily talking to her friend Leila by the racks of socks. Leila Patterson has had this humungous crush on me since we were in first year, and though the attention is quite gratifying, she is the most irritating leech I've ever seen. She was looking at a pair of socks, and when Sirius caught sight of them, he ran over, laughing hysterically.

"These are absolutely repulsive; who would actually voluntarily buy these?" he asked, giggling.

Somehow, this offended Leila, and she flounced off to the other side of the store without saying another word. Lily had given me this look of purest disgust, and tried to run away from me, but I caught up to her before she could go very far.

"Lily! I'm rather surprised to see you here; how are you doing?" I asked politely, smiling expectantly at her.

"I was fine up until thirty seconds ago, when you came in," she said, making a face at me.

"Your sense of humor is so refreshing, Lil," I said appreciatively. "You have no idea how appealing you make everything sound."

She rolled her eyes, ignorant to the real meaning behind my words. I really did love her, but she either purposely refused to believe it or she was really unaware of my real feelings for her. "Please; spare me. Either tell me why you're here, or just leave; and do feel free to do that second option, by the way."

"Fine," I agreed. "I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to get a butterbeer with me in the Three Broomsticks, seeing as I have a bit of time." I jumped on any chance to ask Lily out, and I was going to the Three Broomsticks afterwards anyway; all I had to do was kick my friends over to a separate table, and take another one for me and Evans.

"Hell no," she snapped, looking repulsed.

I was about to try convincing her to come with me, but Sirius chose this moment to bound up next to us and say, "Hi Lils."

"Only my _friends_ call me Lils, Black," she said. "And please; just leave now, because there is no way on Earth I am going anywhere with you half-wits."

"You wouldn't be going with Sirius," I tried to tell her. "You'd only be going with me."

"It's pretty much the same thing," she said dismissively. "Just go away now."

I didn't want to go-it was the very last thing I wanted to do-but I sighed and said, "All right then. Another time."

"Only if I'm unlucky," she retorted. I smirked back at her as I left the shop, but when I got outside to start walking back to the castle, I gave a howl of frustration.

"Why can't she ever be nice to me?" I moaned.

"Um, maybe it's because you can't keep your flirtatious mouth shut when you're around her," Sirius suggested. "Come on; 'you have no idea how appealing you make everything sound?' That's the worst thing you've ever said! And you've said some pretty horrible things before."

"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically.

"It wasn't _that_ bad," Peter tried to defend me. "It was actually rather sweet. She's just too stupid to realize that."

"Now _this_ is why you don't have a girlfriend, Peter," Sirius said. "If you think that saying things like that will win a girl's heart, then you're going to be alone for the rest of your life."

"Shut it," Peter said, blushing. "I can get a girlfriend."

"Please," Sirius scoffed. "The closest thing you'd ever get to a girlfriend would be Snivelly. And even that would be if you're very lucky."

I roared with laughter and high-fived each other. "That was great," I complimented him. "But be gentle; that much truth in one sentence might kill him."

"Stop it," Remus intervened fairly. "Sirius, don't be rude. James…"

"See!" I interrupted. "I never did anything this time!"

"No, I was just going to explain why Lily doesn't like you," Remus said. "Girls like sensitivity, James; you were being rather irritating back there."

"I was too being sensitive," I argued. "I told her she makes everything sound appealing, and I offered to buy her a butterbeer! How much more sensitive can you _get?_"

"James, I know you're much deeper than that," Remus said disapprovingly. "You're starting to sound like Sirius, and you're better than that."

"Excuse me? What's wrong with being like Sirius?" Sirius asked, looking like he'd happily kick Remus's ass if he said the wrong answer.

"Nothing," Remus amended hastily. "James, just please be the person you are with us around her. She'll come around if you do; I promise."

"What if she doesn't?" I fretted. "It's been five years, Remus."

"Be patient," he advised me. "Women are very insecure creatures."

"Oh, I figured that one out a _long_ time ago," I muttered. "That Evans…she changes moods faster than anyone I've ever seen."

"She does," Peter chimed in. "Last year, she would laugh like a maniac at lunch, but then the next class period, she would be quiet and serious again. It was insane."

"I love her though," I said. "I love everything about her, her mood swings included."

"Thanks for stating the obvious, mate," Sirius said, thumping me on the back.

"No, seriously," I said. "I love her. Much more than I love anyone else, anyway."

"I'm quite offended," Sirius said, laughing, but pretending to look hurt. "You don't love me?"

I snorted. "No, not at all."

"I love you, Sirius," Peter offered.

"God help me," Sirius replied.

Peter made a face, but thankfully, we had reached the castle at this point. Remus opened the door, and we walked in. Now Peter and Sirius were squabbling about how Peter had been trying to help and how Sirius was being too unfeeling or something like that. Honestly, I lost interest after a while and played with a little Snitch I had nicked a few days ago.

I wonder though; how much will it take for Lily Evans to fall in love with me? How far will I actually go?


	4. Work and Werewolves

**Lily**

October 9th

Dear Diary,

The homework I'm getting right now is just beyond all imagination.

I'm buried under it; I think that they'll have to dig me out of my pile to find out where I am.

I have to write an essay for each of my classes at the moment, as well as practice the charms and spells we are being set to do. It's horrid, and I'm working really hard, yet for some reason, there's always something else to do. I'm a dork, yes, I know, but I have to do well on these tests; my life will be over if I don't. I think I have two or three essays due next week and a rather large and nasty one due tomorrow; slowly, I think I might be losing my mind.

I also have prefect duties to adhere to; as if I didn't have enough to do already. Prefect duties aren't too bad though; I just patrol the hallways for a little while for a couple of nights a week. Remus is a prefect as well, which is a good thing; I like having some time to be alone with him.

Tonight, we had to patrol the fifth and sixth floors together after nine; we were supposed to catch all the miscreants out of bed and hand out detentions. I didn't like doing that and neither did Remus; we usually let them go. Prefect duties were more like times to chat with Remus, if he was feeling up to it, and I was going to use them just for those purposes; kids would be kids, and there were plenty of teachers anyway.

As we paced around the fifth floor, I realized that I had not talked to Remus at all since we had gotten to school. I looked over at him, and smiled.

"Remus, have I even spoken to you since we got to school?" I asked. I had to make sure, after all; what if I had said something to him before, and I'd just forgotten?

He shook his head. "No, you haven't."

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "How are you, then?"

He shrugged indifferently. "I'm fine, I suppose."

"How was your summer?"

"It was nice."

"Anything else?" Remus was so quiet; it took a bit of artful poking-around to get an answer that was more than two or three words out of him.

"No, not really," Remus said. "I went to Spain though."

"Well, see, there's something," I said. "Where in Spain did you go?"

"Seville."

"What did you do there?"

Remus shrugged again. "My mum shopped a lot, and my dad was looking at all the historic landmarks they had to offer."

"What about you?"

"I was out and about," he said. "Seville is a great place to just watch the citizens."

"Oh Remus; I know you must have done more than that," I said, playfully smacking him. "You have to have more to say."

"I don't though," he said, giving me a half-smile. "You tell me about your summer; I'm sure you did more than I did."

"I was at home, watching television," I said, laughing at the memory of it. "I was bored most of the time. Kyleigh and Leila came over for a little while."

"Well, what did you do with Kyleigh and Leila?" he inquired.

"We walked around the creek near my house a lot," I recalled. "Kyleigh loves to run around in the creek itself and get her feet really dirty. Leila likes to sit on the side and dip her feet in. Kyleigh pushes her in, and drags me in as well; we complain, but we enjoy it anyway."

"Is that so?" he asked, smiling for real. "That sounds like fun."

"It is," I said. "But Seville must have been more interesting than me and my friends getting wet." I knew this tactic; he was trying to change the subject back to me so that he wouldn't have to talk as much.

"It rained a lot in Seville," he said. "More than they're used to. But I liked it; it was soothing, and also gave me an excuse to stay inside."

"You have no business being inside when you are in such a beautiful place," I scolded with a laugh. "What would you do inside?"

"Watch the rain, read a book," Remus said. "I don't need much to occupy myself."

I smirked. "We should have switched summer holidays; I would have _killed_ to be in Seville instead of at home, trying to find something to do."

Remus shrugged again, and checked his watch. "Lily, it's nine thirty; we had until ten, didn't we?"

"No, nine forty-five," I corrected. "We get forty-five minutes a night every other day."

"I see." He fidgeted a little, and sighed. "This is going to be very boring for you; I don't have much to talk about. Least of all to you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I was feeling a bit hurt; why couldn't he talk to me like he could to anyone else?

"James likes you," he said simply. "I try to stay away from people James is interested in."

"James likes everyone," I said impatiently. "You'd have to stay out of touch with everyone in this school, if that's your reasoning. Besides, I'm not interested in him."

"I still don't like socializing with someone that James likes," Remus said. "James gets a little…furious…if he finds a girl he likes talking to someone else."

"To hell with him!" I burst out. "Do what _you_ want; don't let him control you."

"He doesn't control me; I just follow along out of common courtesy."

"He does control you, Remus; you need to do what _you _want, and not what _he_ wants you to do." I hated how James lorded it over everyone in his life; Remus especially deserved a bit of freedom.

"I do what I want, Lily," he said tiredly. "Relax."

"I just don't want James to have an influence on you," I said, embarrassed. "He does it to everyone around him; you're clever, and I would hope that he doesn't do this to you too."

"I'm fine," he said shortly. "Don't worry about me."

I bit my lip, but Remus left before I could say anything else; it was before nine forty-five, but I had obviously upset him, and he didn't want to be near me. I patrolled alone, completely miserable, until nine forty-five, and went to the common room to finish some more homework. I actually didn't even do the homework; I just pulled you out, diary.

What am I supposed to do? I want to be a friend to Remus, but I can't because of bloody stupid James Potter. He ruins my life - truly, he does - and I can't even try to have a life. I hate that; I hate my helplessness, and the helplessness of the people around me. Why can't anyone just stand up and beat the crap out of him?

Maybe I'll do that one of these days; just run up to him and smack him in the face.

But then again, I can't get too hopeful; I'll probably never be able to.

**James**

October 11th

Dear Diary,

I just got back from another midnight escapade! Tonight was great; we were all over the grounds, and Peter scared Professor McGonagall when he scampered at her as a rat…it was hilarious!

But wait; I'm getting ahead of myself. Now, it's a good thing this diary won't get into anyone else's hands, because this is top secret information. Remus is a werewolf; he was bitten when he was really young, and he transforms at the full moon. He tried to keep it a secret from us, but we figured it out; actually, Sirius did, but Peter and I took credit as well. Haha. But we thought that his being a werewolf was pretty cool, though it was painful for him on a lot of different levels. We decided to become Animagi as well; it took us ages to figure it out, but we did it. I'm a stag, which is why I'm known as Prongs, Peter is a rat, hence his name is Wormtail and Sirius is a black dog, which is why we call him Padfoot. Every month when Remus transforms, we follow along with him; we know more about Hogwarts than anyone else that has probably ever gone here does. Its good fun, and we just had a particularly dangerous time – it was excellent.

This time around, we went to the Forbidden Forest to transform instead of the Shrieking Shack to make things a little more interesting, but Professor McGonagall was hanging around there! We couldn't believe it; she never had duty near the forest at that time of night, which was part of the reason we chose it. Remus and Sirius went hunting for a bit of fun (and also because they might have murdered McGonagall if they hung around), but I stayed with Peter, trying to make sure McGonagall left. Since Peter was the tiniest, he ran around McGonagall and frightened her to death. It was the best form of entertainment that could be given; she shrieked in the strangest way before running off. I could have died just laughing at her. Peter and I transformed into humans for a moment to high-five, and we laughed at McGonagall some more until Padfoot and Moony came back.

After a couple of hours, Moony insisted that we go back to school; apparently, it was too dangerous to be running around. Sirius told him that he was insane and we did this all time, yet nothing had happened, but Moony was insistent. To humor him, Peter, Sirius, and I decided to go in, but we had never actually promised that we'd go to bed. Peter pointed this out once we got into the deserted common room, making Sirius and I grin wickedly.

Sirius suggested that we look for secret passages, and since we could think of nothing else that would overrule this idea, we went straight to the fifth floor. I won't go into the details, but pretty much, we had to dodge the new caretaker Filch and his infernal cat, Mrs. Norris, constantly while trying out every nonsense word we could devise to find a passage. Peter reckoned that there was something odd about the statue of the one-eyed witch, and we should try messing around with it to see what it was all about; we did, but to no avail. Sirius was pretty pissed that nothing had come out of the expedition, and decided that we should sneak into the kitchens and eat. Peter agreed wholeheartedly, and since I could think of nothing better, I followed along.

Once in the kitchens, we asked the house elves to give us something to eat. All of them were pretty exhausted and were unwilling to help, but the moment Sirius hinted that he might force one of his socks on them, they were cheery and gave him a chocolate éclair. Amused by the quick service, Peter requested a milkshake. Within thirty seconds, he had been provided with what he had asked for, and informed us that it was the best he had ever had. Sirius said that the compliment was a huge credit to the house elves; Peter had consumed many, many milkshakes in his life, and for that to be the best was quite an honor.

I decided not to trouble the poor creatures, even though I had wanted to taste a milkshake of my own, but Sirius and Peter didn't operate that way; we left the kitchens with Sirius and Peter puffing and panting under the weight of the chocolate they had taken. We went upstairs and began to eat it – it was fantastic, and we were so hyper off the sugar that we didn't sleep all night. We slept during class instead, and I copied the notes from the girl who sat next to me in all my classes, Regina Masters, later on. Regina was a popular girl who nobody truly liked, but she seemed to not mind me, which worked to my advantage. She was an excellent note-taker too, which made my life easier. Sirius and Peter, in turn, copied my notes; we duplicated a copy of mine to give to Remus when he recovered from the full-moon-itis. Sirius, Peter, and I toasted ourselves a few minutes ago for a night and day of fine work – whether not it was ours, Sirius had added jokingly. We drank some butterbeer, savoring the joy of a job well done.

Over all, I'd say that it was a very satisfying night-time exploit – which included chocolate!


	5. Trouble with Dungbombs

_A/N: Just so you know, this is where the real story "starts." The rest of it was introduction. Now, our story begins to unfold. Enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: All J. K. Rowling's; you all know that, don't you?_

**Lily**

October 20th

Dear Diary,

My workload has been beyond insane. I couldn't write for that reason, and I do apologize for that, but I couldn't help it. But now, I have some time to write, and I have things to say. Today, James Potter drove me up the wall (again), but more on that later and I'm seriously starting to worry about Remus.

I honestly don't know what I can do about Remus now. We had more prefect duties after that first one I wrote about, obviously, but he hasn't spoken to me at all. I think I might have offended him when I told him that James was controlling his life. It was rash, and I shouldn't have done it, but now he won't even give me the chance to fix everything. James is, of course, his usual arrogant self, and today, he did something that hit an all time low. If it's possible, of course – I'm sure that he'll get a new record as early as tomorrow.

To understand how this trick took place, I have to explain how James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus operate. They usually prank people in pairs, though they sometimes do it as a big group. Normally it splits James and Sirius, Remus and Peter; if it's not that, it will be Sirius and Remus, and Peter and James. Then they wreak havoc; they set off fireworks in the corridors, throw Dungbombs at people, and put Mrs. Norris on the highest chandelier the can, to much applause. When they get detentions for their various misdeeds, it's not a thing of shame for them the way it would be to normal human beings; people congratulate them and admire them even more as they take their slips and stride through the crowds as though they are celebrities. It's sickening, but that's they way the world works nowadays.

As for the boys themselves – it is necessary to know who they are so that they don't appear to be the wonderful people they think they are. Remus Lupin is, as I've said, a truly kind human being. He's such a nice guy; I don't know why he is best friends with creatures like James and Sirius – he obviously sees something I don't. One day, when James was staring at me in Herbology like he always does, Remus stepped in and told him not to. He's so sweet, and I have nothing but praise for him.

Sirius. Oh, how I hate him. He's James's second-hand man; people go as far as to call him James's twin. Therefore, you know that he isn't any better; maybe a little bit better-_looking_, but not enough to interest me. His arrogance is observable from a first glance at his conceited face, but at least it isn't as blatant as James's is; James takes the cake in supposed-superiority any day. Sirius also leaves me alone, generally; but, if he feels naughty and wants to help James in his never-ending mission to torture me, then he'll start to join in while trying to make me stay pleasant. As if that'll ever happen! I'm not going to be pleasant unless I want to be; though I'm usually a good person, I won't take nonsense from dense imbeciles like them.

Peter is this quiet, unintelligent wimp who usually follows whatever his friends do. I don't know much about him because of that, but what I do know isn't thrilling, considering who his role models are. Peter's pretty fat; he likes to eat, and he's usually the first into the Great Hall for meals, as well as the last one out. He absolutely _worships_ James – it's almost saddening. If James wants something, Peter will get it for him. If James is showing off, Peter will cheer the loudest. If James tells someone that they're no good, Peter will agree first. The worst part is that James never stops him; he just lets Peter do things for him, and laughs about it. Yet another reason to hate James, might I add.

Well, keeping all that in mind, it was the James/Peter duo that annoyed the life out of me today. Peter was setting up some Dungbombs in the Charms corridor earlier, taking care to ensure that they exploded at the first person who walked by. I didn't actually notice this until I actually walked down the hall and got caught in the blast. The smell was atrocious, and to cap matters, I was covered in this disgusting muck, with James Potter right next to me! I heard James shouting at Peter; apparently, this horrible trap was meant for Snape!

Severus Snape is this slimy, gross kid in our class that everyone hates – especially James and his friends. They never miss an opportunity to injure or humiliate him in some way – which, in my opinion, is a very nasty thing to do – though Snape never misses an opportunity to do the same to them. I sort of like that; Sirius and James are big-headed, egotistical nitwits that completely deserve to have someone pick on _them_ for a change, though it gets rather vicious sometimes.

Anyhow, back to the Dungbombs. James Potter set off a Dungbomb when he _knew_ I was in the hallway! I could not believe the audacity of that boy, for not only did he set the thing off, he came and tries to tell me that it was my fault as well! He also tried to offer me a napkin to wipe up, but I wouldn't let him _give_ it to me; instead, I snatched it from him, hit him with it, and tried to walk off. On my way, James inevitably came after me.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I hollered at him, dripping in muck.

"Evans, I'm really sorry about that bomb," James said. "It was meant for Snivellus, not you." He looked and sounded genuinely sorry, though I was sure it was only an act; he had given overwhelming evidence to the contrary one time too many.

"Yes, well you _knew_ that I was in the hallway, yet you set that thing off anyway! I'm not exactly going to want to send you flowers after that, am I?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes at me. "Whatever you say, Evans."

"Yes," I told him. "Whatever I say and I say that you are a stuck-up toe-rag. Therefore, you are going to leave me alone. Understand?"

James deliberated at my sopping wet form, looking repulsively cheeky as he did so. He didn't say anything, but I still wanted to (and probably should have) gone up and given him the slap that had been coming to him for a _very_ long time; but, before I could do it, Leila found us and squealed.

"Hey, Potter!" she said breathlessly, running over to him. "Was it you and Peter who set off that Dungbomb in the Charms hallway?" Her enthusiasm was truly nauseating.

"Yes," James told her proudly, forgetting about me for a second. Though I was grateful for this unintentional diversion, his contested arrogance still made me want to gag.

"Well, it hit Snape, and…"

He didn't even let her finish her sentence; in a split-second, he was tearing down the corridor to see what new damage had done. Seeking the chance, Leila came towards me.

"It's hilarious, Lily! Come look!" she encouraged, trying to pull me away to see. I was a little curious, to be honest, about what the horrible ego-maniac had done to Severus now, but that was the sole reason I followed her to see what was going on in the Charms hallway.

It was terrible – Snape was lying there in a pile of putrid goop, and a crowd of on-lookers were laughing at him mercilessly and relentlessly.

"Stop!" I shouted, running over to James and his crew. Remus was looking a little discomfited, though if it was because of my yelling or Snape's situation, I could not be sure. "You are all such imbecilic jackasses, and you leave both Snape and me alone!"

James looked from me to Severus, a look of the utmost loathing going to him, and a look of amused consideration to me.

"I think it's time to go," James said smoothly to his ever-worshiping crowd of friends and admirers. "Snivelly has some cleaning up to do." With a cruel chuckle, he walked off, everyone following him and approving his pitiless prank. Snape and I were alone in the hallway now, both of us covered in goo, so I decided to do the right thing and help him out.

I grabbed his hand and pulled hi out of the puddle of Stinksap that came out of the Dungbomb, and handed him my napkin to start drying off.

"Thanks," he said gruffly, choosing to wipe his face off as he said this.

"Don't mention it," I told him darkly, grabbing my wand from my robes to magically clean up the mess. It was instantly clean, and even though I could have used magic to clean myself off as well, I Decided I would feel better if I actually took a good, long shower.

Snape looked over at me, his expression unreadable. "Do you mind if I keep this? It's a bit dirty now, and I don't think you'd want it."

"Go ahead," I assured him, starting off down the corridor that led to the Gryffindor common room; I had taken enough crap from James Potter, and I had been looking forward to a _very_ thorough shower. I took one, and now here I am, writing about the experience in here.

It's odd though, diary; when I had been shouting at James, I was full of energy, and I could have run miles just off of my frustration. Now that I'm away from him, I'm feeling lethargic, and I can hardly make myself finish this entry. I yawn as I write this, and I think I'll just stop it here; I'll probably have something else to say about it tomorrow, when I have more energy.

**James**

October 20th

Dear Diary,

I had been doing so well! I had managed to avoid writing in here for such a long time, and Remus never said anything! Well, for a week, he had been a werewolf, but after he came back, he got sick; he didn't want to miss anything lesson-wise, so he never told Madam Pomfrey that he wasn't feeling well. That worked for me, because since he was so ill, he couldn't remind me about this stupid diary! But, fortunately and unfortunately, Remus recovered and found that I hadn't written since the ninth. He handed me a quill and ink bottle, and here I am, forced to write again. I tried to get out of writing by saying that I had a study date with Regina Masters in about two hours (which I actually did) and I had other things to do, but Remus said that two hours was plenty of time to write a diary entry and do other things as well. I argued with him, but he was solidly insistent that I write. Ugh. But luckily, I have something to write about, because when you're in the same school as Lily Evans, there is always something interesting going on.

Today, she was inconveniently in the hallway while I was setting up a trap for Snivellus. It was an old trick – Dungbomb in the hallway that would be set off when he walked in – but nonetheless, I would enjoy the effect; Snape in any kind of discomfort would delight me. Peter was in charge of detonating the bomb when he came in close contact; this was to take place in the Charms corridor, which we knew Snivelly would enter within a matter of minutes. It would work brilliantly; we knew it would, but it would require brains on Peter's part, which was perhaps a dangerous gamble.

I had been right to worry a little; it was Evans who stepped into the hallway, unluckily enough, and it was Evans instead of Snivellus that got slimed. She was obviously outraged, and got really pissed off at me. I couldn't say I blamed her though; I probably would have said and done much worse, had it been me in that situation. I went up to Peter and told him what I hoped was a quiet voice (that was still enraged) that I had wanted to hit _Snape_, not Lily.

When I next turned around, Lily was gone; she had run down the corridor, and feeling that I should apologize, I ran after her. When I caught up to her, the first thing I did was offer her a napkin; it was the least I could do after making her so dirty. She snatched it away from me, and far from saying thank you, she yelled, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I truthfully felt really sorry that she had been the victim of the trap, so I tried to apologize. "Hey, Evans, I'm really sorry about that bomb. It was meant for Snivelly, not you," I tried to explain.

Alas, she did not seem to accept my apology. "Yes, well you knew that I was in the hallway, yet you set the thing off anyway! I'm not exactly going to want to send you flowers after that, am I?"

I sighed. I'd really had it with Evans trying to deride me over a simple mistake (though I still adored her – never fear) and out of sheer frustration, I rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever you say, Evans."

"Yes," she told me, looking awfully irritated. "Whatever I say and I say that you are a conceited toe-rag. Therefore, you must leave me alone. Understand?"

I loved it when Lily was furious with me, so I grinned at her, trying not to let my amusement show as much as I could help. I was about to contradict her, and tell her that I was actually _not_ as arrogant as she thought I was, but Leila, one of her annoying friends, bounded up to me. I swear, that girl really needs to find a guy who's interested.

"Hey, James," she said, this look of total adoration on her face. "Was it you that set off the Dungbomb in the Charms corridor?"

"Yes," I said, feeling quite important. I had made such an impression on her, that she always knew whether it was my prank or not; that was something to be proud of.

"Well, it hit Snape, and…"

It had worked! I had kept a couple of spare Dungbombs with me, and Peter must have found some brain cells in that thick head of his and set it off as planned! I raced off before she could finish her sentence, because I had to make sure that Snape was as helpless and filthy as I had planned.

It was exactly as I had envisioned it – people were all over the place, and laughing at Snape, thanks to my efforts. Could things work out any better? I didn't think so – until Lily Evans caught me in the act.

"Stop!" she hollered, running over to us. I noticed that Remus shifted a little as she came closer, but I ignored it. "You are all such imbecilic jackasses, and you leave him alone!" she told me threateningly.

She was so childishly adorable when she was in this sort of a mod; I couldn't help but look at her with amusement. Snape, on the other hand; I glared at him with only a fraction of the hatred I had for him.

"I think that it's time to go," I finally said, looking around at everybody. "Snivelly has some cleaning up to do." I laughed at how well (almost well) this had worked out, and left Lily and Snivellus to themselves (as I was happy with neither with them at that moment), walking off with Sirius, Remus, and Peter.

"That was great!" Sirius said as he high-fived Peter and me, laughing like a maniac. "Did you see Snivellus when Peter hit him? Classic!"

"It wasn't very nice," Remus said to us, quiet but firm. "You shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?" I demanded. "Snivelly's had it coming to him for a really long time now."

"Well, I'm not the only one who didn't approve," Remus pointed out. "Lily didn't like it either."

"Lily Evans hates me no matter what I do." The words were nonchalantly presented (I hoped), but I still felt that pang go through me like it always did when I knew I couldn't have her.

Peter laughed still. "So? It was still a great joke."

I looked at him with aggravation. "Peter, you idiot, you got her filthy, and she took her anger out on _me_! She hates me even more now!"

"Lily hates most guys," Sirius assured me. "She just hates us more because we're the most popular guys among the year."

"I don't think that's it," I said, exasperated. "I don't know what it is that she can't stand about me, but right now, I have to go."

"Where?" Peter asked with interest.

"To the dormitory, moron, where else?" I snapped impatiently, going up the stairs.

The dormitory is where I am now, writing about these insane events and trying to make sense out of them. I read through my account of what happened just now, and I don't get it; I described them exactly as they happened, yet the emotions I had felt didn't sound like things I would feel in the situation. It was like a stranger had possessed me for a few minutes and made me do things I normally wouldn't do. I wouldn't have left Lily Evans, grimy and upset, in the middle of the corridor with a parasite like Snivelly, even if she had been rude to me. I probably wouldn't have been so short with my friends either; they had only been trying to help. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I behave like the person I knew I was? I am capable of intelligent thought; nobody else knows that though. Lily should know. Lily was the person I would have convince.

The question, however, was how I would convince someone as stubborn as Lily Evans to believe something that my own friends scarcely believed.


	6. Halloween Disasters

**Lily**

October 31st

Dear Diary,

This has to have been the strangest Halloween I have ever encountered.

To begin the case for this declaration, allow me state my situation as I write this entry; I am in a skimpy black dress that is not mine, with makeup smeared all over my face, and my hair is in a knot atop my head. The neckline on the dress I am wearing is lower than anything I've ever seen, let alone bought, and I look incredibly fat, even though I'm supposed to look thin and wispy in it. James Potter and Chris Daniels were fighting over my attention just a few minutes before.

Now would you like to tell me that this was not the strangest Halloween ever?

Didn't think so.

Two simple words can sum up my entire night, because they were the cause of everything that went on – good and bad; Kyleigh and Leila. They have been planning this huge Halloween party for a while now. They wanted decorations around our common room, loud music, and lots of pumpkin juice. We were all supposed to dress up and dance the night away. Leila had made signs and put them up across the common room, explaining all of this, and told everyone to go shopping for black clothing; the main theme for the party would be black for Halloween, which, for some reason, Kyleigh found very sexy. Whatever.

I, of course, had no intention of going. I was too fat to go in a pretty dress made for skinny girls, and I hated dancing. Leila and Kyleigh knew about all of that. I thought that they would respect my wishes, but I was wrong; just before they were about to get ready for the party, Kyleigh grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bathroom.

"What do you need, Kyles?" I asked, confused.

"I need to get you ready," she said, looking me over with a wrinkle of her nose. "You are _not_ in a condition to go to the party in that."

"I'm not going to the party," I reminded her. "And besides, what's wrong with my clothes?" There really wasn't anything wrong with them; I was wearing a pair of light blue jeans and a baggy green sweatshirt that my mother had given me, which, according to her, brought out the color of my eyes.

"They're nice for everyday wear, but not for parties, Lil," Kyleigh amended. "Come here; I picked this out as a second option for me, but it'll work beautifully on you."

"Kyleigh, I am not going to that party," I insisted, scooting away from her as she dug out a black dress from a shopping bag in her trunk. "I have homework to do."

"You're so boring," she complained. "All you do is work. Have some fun; if you don't, you'll end up alone and duller than you already are."

"I'm okay with that," I said, eyeing the dress with uncertainty. "Kyleigh, don't do this to me."

"Lils, you are a beautiful girl, and it's about time that you flaunt it," Kyleigh said, putting the dress up against my body. "Yes, I think that this will fit. Go put this on."

"No!" The dress was skin tight, and the neckline fell far below any other shirt I owned. "This is like wearing a bra with an extension."

"Oh, it'll look fine," she said dismissively. "Now go put that on. Leila and I will do your hair and make-up before we get dressed, and we'll take you downstairs."

I had no choice but to try wearing the dress. I took it grumpily into the bathroom and began pulling it on, hating how exposed I felt; I honestly wanted to ask Kyleigh if she was sure that there was nothing to put on top of it. I looked in the mirror, and what I saw was not a girl who was ready to go to a party.

The girl who looked back at me had my face and my hair, but her body looked lumpy and plump. Too much of me was exposed, and the purpose of the dress backfired – I looked a lot worse instead of better. My waist seemed to jut out of the thin material the dress was made out of, and my thighs looked like swollen, oversized salamis. I would have looked better walking into the party in my sweatshirt and jeans.

"Kyles, I look horrible," I moaned when she came in to inspect me. "There's too much of me showing and I look like I weigh three times what I really do."

"No you don't," she scoffed. "You look nice. LEILA! GET IN HERE AND LOOK AT LILY!"

"Yeah?" Leila bounced into the room at Kyleigh's shout. She took one look at me and stared, her expression indecipherable.

"Do I look that bad?" I fretted, trying to pull my dress up a little bit more.

"No Lils; you look gorgeous!" She hugged me. "Lily Evans, you have a _body_! I never knew that!"

"Haha," I said sardonically; it was a well-known fact that I wore clothes that were loose and apparently unflattering, so I could sort of see why Leila was so thrilled.

"This is fabulous; absolutely perfect," she said happily, fluffing up my hair. "Time for make-up."

"No," I whimpered. "No, please, no – not makeup." Makeup was my enemy. Makeup was evil. Makeup was the thing that would get me attention from boys, and I didn't want that sort of attention; if a boy really loved me, he would notice me if I wasn't wearing makeup. Not only that, but it felt odd when you put it on, and was difficult to wipe off completely. I hated makeup almost as much as I hated the dress I was wearing, and Leila knew that too.

"Yes, makeup," Leila said soothingly, whipping out her makeup case. "You will look lovely. James will be after your life tonight."

"So will Chris," Kyleigh added, taking out her trusted hair-brush. "He likes you too. Remember what happened at Hogsmeade? Remember yesterday in class?"

I grimaced; Kyleigh had some theory about Chris liking me in addition to James after what happened in Hogsmeade. The other day in class only added "proof" to this theory; he had asked me to be his partner in a Potions activity, and when I refused, he looked quite hurt. Leila said that he had spent the rest of the period watching me, but Leila is pretty biased; I wasn't sure if I could trust her on a subject like this.

"Kyleigh, I am looking horrific in this dress," I told her. "No boy will think I'm pretty."

"Yes, they will," Leila said. "This is one of those dresses that only looks good if you have the right makeup. How lucky you are to have friends like us, who know what they're doing when it comes to getting ready for parties."

"Yeah," I said dryly. "Lucky me."

Roughly twenty minutes later, my hair was laden with gel and curled, mascara coated my eyelashes, blush smothered my cheeks, and lipstick covered my mouth. I did not look pretty at all; I looked like I'd tried too hard. When I pointed this out to Leila, she just laughed.

"Rubbish! You look perfect."

"No," I said firmly. "I am _not_ going in public looking this way!"

It turned out that what I thought did not matter in the least; I was forced to go to the party anyway. I stumbled down the steps in Leila's largest black heels and surveyed the crowd, all of whom was dancing already. Everyone was dressed in black, of course, and some girls were wearing clothes even more revealing than mine; it made me shudder. The boys were wearing dark pants with dark shirts, and some of them looked quite nice for once.

I lingered by the punch bowl though, feeling self-conscious in my tiny dress. I kept trying to pull it up higher so that my chest wasn't so revealed, but the thing was so petite I couldn't get too far. Splendid. I poured myself some pumpkin juice, hoping to slip away as quickly as possible, but Chris Daniels strode right up to me, looking impressed.

"We meet again, Miss Evans," he said, sipping some pumpkin juice of his own. "It's nice to see you. Stunning dress, by the way."

"Nice to see you too," I mumbled, not knowing what else to say. "Thank you; Kyleigh forced me into it, actually. Leila did my makeup."

"Remind me to thank them for that later," Chris said, giving me a lopsided grin.

I couldn't do much besides blush, so Chris said, "I do apologize for embarrassing you. It was rude of me. Let me start again. How are you doing on this fine evening, Miss Evans?"

"Call me Lily," I said. "I hate this dress, and I want to go upstairs to finish my homework before I sleep. That's all I'm thinking about right now." Instantly, I wanted to smash my head against the wall; why had I told Chris Daniels that?! I probably looked like a humungous loser. I always lost my head when I talked to good-looking boys.

"Your dedication to your work is admirable," he said, making me blush even redder. I had the mental image of what Kyleigh would say if she had heard our conversation, and decided never to tell her. "Are you bored with the party?"

"I don't dance," I admitted. I wanted to hit my head on the wall for a second time; why did I tell him things like that?! Kyleigh and Leila were right; I was deficient when it came to having a social life.

"That's unfortunate," said Chris. "I was about to ask you to dance once with me."

He talked so formally! I loved that; I was a sucker for formal talk. Did he know that? It seemed so. I blushed even redder, if it was possible, and said, "Maybe I'll give you _one_ dance."

"I'd love that," he said, smiling at me.

I bit my lip and smiled shyly back; maybe this dance wasn't so bad after all.

But, of course, since I was having a moment I was enjoying, James Potter had to come to wreck it; he bounded toward us, a steely look on his face as he took in Chris. Chris's own expression hardened at James's appearance, and I wanted to cry; leave us alone!

"Hello, Lily," he said, gentleman-like all of a sudden. "You look lovely, you know. Would you like a dance?"

"She was about to dance with me," Chris said in a tone of agitated, forced calm. "Please wait for a bit, would you, Potter?"

"I don't think so," James said back, his tone matching Chris's. "Lily, come along."

"No," I declined. "I would like to dance with Chris."

"Yes James; she would like to dance with _me_," Chris said, smiling angelically as he led me to the center to dance. James watched us with an obvious fury directed at Chris, and I felt a certain pleasure in making him angry. I directed my attention back at Chris's handsome face instead, however, and smiled again.

"I'm sorry about that," I said.

"Its fine," said Chris, shooting James a look of dislike. He turned back to me and his face eased up then, and he put his arm around my waist. The song they were playing was slow, and we didn't speak for a while, just looking at each other. I liked that; Chris had beautiful eyes, and I liked gazing at them. I almost forgot about my horrific dress as he twirled me around the room; I was lost in the moment, and nothing mattered except the warm weight of his hand on my back, and his fingers entwined with mine on his other hand. He looked like he was taking as much pleasure in this dance as I was; that was inspiring.

After the dance ended, he escorted me to the side to get me another drink. James pounced on me the moment I came over, and handed me a glass of juice before Chris could even touch the jug.

"Here you go, Lils," he said smoothly.

"Don't call me Lils," I snapped, accepting the drink anyway. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He gave me a wide grin after shooting a look of smugness to Chris. Chris took my arm and pulled me to the other side of the table the way one might pull a pet from a dangerous adversary.

James followed as I knew he would, and asked me to dance. I shook my head and said no; no matter how many drinks he gave me, I would never dance with James. An extremely delighted Chris took my hand and led me to the dance area where we danced another dance, but halfway through this one, James slickly pushed Chris away and grabbed my hand to continue the dance.

"Hello again, Lily," he said, smiling at me.

"James, can you please leave me alone?" I requested irately. "Chris had this dance."

"Chris already had one," James said, spinning me outwards and then bringing me back to him. "I want one now."

I had no choice but to let him dance with me, which was the intent, of course. Though I hated how he had gotten himself in the situation, and I hated him more than ever, I had to admit that James was a superb dancer. He was confident (obviously) and never let me get too near other dancers who may knock me over in my large heels. I kind of liked dancing with him, but I still thought that Chris was better.

After the song ended, Chris took no hesitation when he pulled me away to the drink table. He was saying something to me, but I couldn't really tell what it was; I wasn't paying him any attention anymore. I was still thinking about James; was he actually _jealous_ of Chris because I was paying him more attention? It wasn't a normal characteristic of his, but I suspected that it was the reason he was extra crazy tonight. Maybe I felt a bit guilty about snubbing him like I was, but at the same time, he was not in charge of who I liked and who I didn't.

A few minutes later, however, I did not feel guilty at all; James had selected another method of showing off, and was using it – he could dance. He put on the fastest song that Kyleigh and Leila had chosen for the party music and began to dance a solo in the middle of the dancing area. Though I hated him, I had to admit that he was an insanely talented dancer; he twisted himself around in ways I had never dreamt were even possible. People were in a circle around him, cheering him on, and my own friends were among that crowd. After an astonishing number of dance moves, he called out to me, "That was for you, Lils."

"Don't call me Lils," was all I could think of to reply to something like that. He simply grinned at me, and continued to do so until Chris took me to the dormitory stairs.

"You said you wanted to go upstairs, and I think that this is a good time to do so," he whispered in my ear. "I'm sorry that Potter ruined your evening, and I thank you for honoring me with a dance. I'll see you tomorrow." He then pushed me towards the stairs, which I gratefully ran up after thanking him. He just nodded and I escaped into the sanctuary that was my dormitory.

The first thing I did was try to wash off the makeup and untie the elaborate hairstyle Leila had made. All I could do was make a colossal knot out of my hair; I'd have to wrestle with it later. The makeup was mostly off, but there was still quite a bit of it on. The shoes, at least, were easy to take off, and I threw them into Leila's trunk. She could deal with them later.

Then, I sat on my bed to write everything down here.

I still can't believe it all happened though – it's just outrageous. James Potter and Chris Daniels? Fighting over me? That can't be right – there was nothing worth fighting over. I was just a girl in an overly tight dress that was there against her will; why would they care so much? I'll have to ask Kyleigh and Leila when they came back upstairs; they're much more experienced than I am in such matters.

I suppose there had been something in that pumpkin juice they had been drinking.

**James**

October 31st

Dear Diary,

What a Halloween.

I seriously can't get my mind to wrap around the facts, even though I was there and knew that they were real! Lily Evans and Chris Daniels; I never thought I'd see the day, yet the day was here, and I was there to see everything unfold. All I can say on that matter is Chris should be thanking his stars that he's still alive; I don't take kindly to people trying to take Lily away from me from under my nose.

Everything had started off innocently enough; I had been discussing the party turn-out with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. We were rating each of the girls there on a scale from one to ten, and so far, we only had three girls who were nines, and no girls who were tens. Sirius was quite disappointed as he scanned the crowd of people, trying to find a girl who was a ten.

"This is sad," he said, looking disappointed. "No tens tonight! Who am I supposed to dance with?"

"So you're saying that you'll only dance with a girl who's rated ten on your bizarre scale?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised.

"Of course," said Sirius, as though this was the most obvious principle devised by man. "Who else would I dance with? A nine?" He snickered at the mere thought of it.

Remus rolled his eyes, but Peter nodded vigorously in agreement. "He's right; we need pretty girls, not girls who are less than standard."

"You two will never get married," Remus said woefully.

"Neither will you!" Sirius said, apparently stung. "You're a…a…you know! And you're so damn boring, Remus; associate with women! Do you even have a crush?"

"Gee, thanks," Remus said sarcastically. "I just don't work well with women. When the right one comes, I'll know; she just hasn't come yet."

"You want the number for my cousin, Tonks?" Sirius joked, laughing. "She was making eyes at you when she saw you this summer."

Remus snorted. "Tonks would never want to be alone with me, Sirius; you know that."

"Maybe," said Sirius, shrugging. "But that's why you need to associate with girls more, like I've said! Get yourself out there and flirt your arse off."

"I'd rather not," Remus muttered, looking frightened at the thought.

"Bloody hell, look! It's Evans!" I shouted all of a sudden, pointing at Lily. She was attempting to walk over to the drink table in enormous heels, and was wearing a tiny black dress I was almost certain belonged to Kyleigh; Kyleigh liked flirty dresses like that. Sirius looked at her too, and gaped.

"Bloody hell is right," he said. "She's a definite ten. Damn, she's sexy in that dress!"

"Stay away," I warned. "She's the girl of _my_ dreams, not yours."

"She's looking good," Peter said, looking her over. "I like this new style."

"Don't you get any ideas," I said, looking murderous. "Lily Evans has been my crush since I was eleven, and just because she looks particularly sexy tonight, doesn't mean that you can make a move on her."

"Ease up," Sirius said. "I just said she was a ten. I'm not going to make a move on her, I promise."

"She looks uncomfortable," Remus said, looking at Lily with a concern I had never seen him use much before. "She doesn't want to be here, let alone here in that dress."

"Who cares?" Peter asked, laughing. "She looks amazing in it."

"The way she looks in a dress is irrelevant to her feelings," Remus snapped. "I think that Kyleigh and Leila forced her here."

"How is that a bad thing? Maybe tonight, she'll discover that she likes me." That was a bit too hopeful, and I knew that, but hey; you never knew until the party was over.

"I doubt that, mate," said Sirius. "Look; Chris Daniels is going over to talk to her, and she looks happy."

"No!" That couldn't be happening; Chris Daniels was capable of taking advantage of Lily, and I didn't want that to occur – not in the least bit. Chris was another athlete; he and I played Chaser together, but lately, he'd been on the big-headed side about his playing. He tried to provoke me a lot by saying that he was the best chaser, and that I was no match for him. Of course I tried to kick his arse; I did, and it scared him into hating me. He tried competing with me in everything after that – including girls. He had never succeeded, but I knew that he was probably trying to flirt with Lily because I knew that I liked her. That was why I wanted to explode as I watched him talk to her and make her blush; this was the worst thing to happen besides the time I got my only pimple!

"Hello, earth to James?" Sirius's voice broke through my horrified stupor as he waved an arm in my face. "What are you going to do about this? Chris is trying to flirt with Lily."

"I'm going to go over there, and I am going to ask Lily to dance with me," I said. "I will push Chris away and keep her in my care for the rest of the night. I don't want him to use her to make me jealous; I'm going to put a stop to this."

Remus shook his head, gesturing to the two of them. "James, don't be rash. He's just talking to her; there's no harm in talking."

"And she's blushing and smiling at him," I said. "I know that look; she likes him."

"How would _you_ know that look?" Sirius inquired. "She never liked you."

"While that is regrettably true, but I know the boys that she's had crushes on," I explained. "She always looked at them like she's looking at Chris. But not if I have anything to say about it; I'm not going to put her in his incapable hands."

With this, I marched over to Chris and Lily, glaring at Chris. I could almost feel his blood curdle as I came over; Chris was still afraid of me, and that was the way I liked it.

"Hello Lily," I said. "You look incredible, you know. Would you like to dance?"

"She was about to dance with _me_," Chris said, his eyes hostile. "Wait your turn."

"I don't think so," I said. "Come with me, Lily."

"No," she said. "I want to dance with Chris."

"Yes James; she wants to dance with _me_," Chris said, smirking as he led her away to the dance floor. I was beyond furious; how could this be happening to me?! I was good-looking, hilarious, athletic, charming – in short, everything he was not – but she was still going for _him_?! No! That couldn't be! An anger I had never had before began to churn in my stomach; I wanted to rip Chris apart and throw his remains into Snivelly's porridge. _I _loved Lily! I had loved her since we had been in first year! How could she go for my enemy?!

I wanted to die when I saw Chris snake his arm around Lily's waist. _I_ had wanted to put my arm around her waist! She smiled at him in a way I had longed for her to do to me, and that was when I knew I had to take action – fast. She was so beautiful and innocent, and I could not let a foul creature like Chris Daniels ruin that for her. But, as I watched, I decided that since I loved her, I would grace Chris with one dance. Just one. Then I would take Lily away, and there would be no more playing around; she would not like Chris at all, and I would continue my never-ending quest to make her fall in love with me.

When the song was about to end, I filled a glass with pumpkin juice and waited for Lily and Chris to walk over to the table. The moment they did, I strode over and gave Lily the drink coolly. "Here you go, Lils."

"Don't call me that," she said crossly. "But thank you."

"You're welcome." I grinned at her and gave Chris a look of self-satisfaction; ha – you can't take her away from me. There was something in Chris's eyes that looked suspiciously like dread for a moment, but I couldn't examine it, because he took Lily's arm and dragged her to the other side of the table.

Obviously I followed, and asked her to dance again. She didn't let me, as I had predicted, but I had a plan in mind; I had asked to appear polite before I did what I had actually planned to do. Chris took Lily to the dance floor again as if she was some type of rag doll, and they began to dance together again. I waited for about thirty seconds before weaving through the crowd of couples, locating Chris and Lily, pushing Chris away, and stepping into his place. At long last, I slipped my arm around Lily's waist and took her hand in my free one, adoring the feel of it.

"Hello again, Lily," I said, grinning.

She was not as amused. "James, can you please leave me alone? Chris had been dancing with me – not you."

"Chris has already danced with you," I said, twirling her around. "I want to have my turn too."

She sighed, presumably because she knew that I would not leave her alone, and began to dance with me. I could have gone to heaven right then; she was so wonderfully soft, and easy to lead. She was right in front of me, and was so beautiful – it was enough to drive me crazy. I wanted to kiss her, but I knew that she would never let me. It would only ruin what I had forced her into so far, which was, of course, bad. Still, I loved our dance, and was sorry to see it end.

The moment the song finished, Chris whisked her away, something I had not expected. He took her to the drink table and was trying (and succeeding) to engage her in conversation, which I could not let happen. Chris was not right for her! I was! I had to put a stop to their little romance before he hurt her – I had to get her to notice me. But how?

In desperation, I looked to the music player. I knew how to dance, and I danced well; would that impress her? She had never seen me dance alone before. I had nothing to lose – I had to win her over somehow, didn't I? I ran over to the player, picked a song I knew moves to, and I began to dance.

I danced harder than ever, trying out the most extreme movements I could think of, and people were excited. That was always my drug – approval. I could feel myself sweat, which was pretty gross, but I imagined Lily cheering with the rest of the Gryffindors; that kept me going for the whole song. When I was done, I shouted to her, "That was for you, Lils." I wasn't sure why I had said that, but I had, and I hoped that she heard me.

"Don't call me Lils," Lily told me.

I could have cried.

I had done that entire routine for her, and all she could do was say was not to call her Lils.

I couldn't let her know how much it hurt though; that was why I let myself grin stupidly for a few minutes until she turned away. Then I collapsed on the ground and demanded to have some pumpkin juice sprayed into my mouth. Leila was one of those eager girls that obliged, which I did notice, but I didn't think much about it; it was Lily I wanted, and Lily I couldn't have.

The last I saw of her, she was fleeing into her dormitory with Chris helping her. I was exhausted, so I couldn't slaughter him at that exact second like I wanted to, but I made sure he was at the top of my kill list when I stood up and went to find Sirius, Remus, and Peter again.

Sirius was weeping with laughter when I found him. "You poor, desperate thing," he said with a snort. "What a dance routine! And for what? For Lily to tell you not to call her Lils. I loved that."

"Shut up," I murmured moodily. "I feel bad enough."

"Why do you feel bad?" Peter asked. "That was bloody brilliant!"

"I don't feel brilliant," I said. "Lily likes Chris, and I made a fool out of myself for nothing."

"You should stop trying to show off so much," Remus advised me. "It's not good for you, and Lily doesn't respond to it."

"I can't help it," I said. "I need her to notice me, but I can't think how to make it happen." A wave of inexplicable sorrow hit me as I said this, and I had to fight to hold onto a howl of aggravation; it was most unlike me, but it was how I felt.

"Bad luck, James," Sirius said sympathetically. "She'll come around eventually."

"Just act normally around her and she'll see that you're not a bad person," Remus said. "She's an understanding person; she'll see the light eventually."

"I hope so," I said with a sigh. "I'm really not in the party mood anymore though, so I'll be upstairs. See you guys later."

"Why are you depriving yourself of a good time just because of Evans?" Peter inquired. "Stay; have some pumpkin juice, flirt a bit, and you'll forget about her."

"No," I said. "I don't want to be here right now."

I ran up to my dormitory, and since I could think of nothing better to do, I wrote about everything in this goddamn diary. I feel a little bit better, now that I have everything out, but I still feel awful about Lily. I love her with everything I have, but she just won't see it. There's nothing worse than allowing your heart to get stolen away from a girl who doesn't even care, and I know that firsthand.

I know that I'll be okay again tomorrow, but for tonight, I feel like absolute crap.


	7. Butterbeer, Rules, and Snivelly

_A/N: Okay, this one was really hard for me to write because for some reason, I kept procrastinating it. I don't know why, but I just couldn't get myself to work on this chapter! Because of this, it isn't as good as I could have made it, but I still think that I did all right. But, of course, your opinion matters, not mine; leave me a review at the end and let me know!_

**James**

November 5th

Dear Diary,

This morning was absolutely hilarious and nearly flawless! Of course, Lily ruined it a little bit by opposing to what we were doing, but I still got away with it, which is always a cause for celebration. Allow me to explain what happened.

When I woke up the day after the Halloween dance, I had been feeling awful about the Lily/Chris situation. I had wanted to stay in bed and just cry all day; the girl I had been in love with forever and ever was starting to fall for my worst enemy. I have _never_ felt like that before. I have cried about three times in my life, and even those times, it was only a couple of insignificant tears down my cheek. Therefore, I was startled to know that _I_ of all people wanted to lie in bed and bawl my eyes out over a girl. Granted, she was more than just any girl, but it was still inexcusable on my part. I couldn't feel that way. I was _James Potter_. I didn't cry. Not over anyone or anything. I'd have to find a distraction.

So, today, I decided that I would pick myself up out of my depression. I had no business being depressed. I had a great life, and one girl would not spoil it all for me – even if that one girl was Lily Evans. I knew that the only thing that would cheer me up was torturing someone, and I figured, who better to torture than Snivelly? Sirius and Peter were, as always, ready for any plan that involved harming Snivellus, so we set up this picture Peter had unearthed recently of Snape sneezing in the Entrance Hall. I had only wanted to embarrass him, but Sirius suggested that we throw things at the picture to make it "pretty." Peter was already running off to get supplies before I could even answer, so I just shrugged and agreed. I was a bit fearful of what Lily would say if she saw me, actually, so I opted to clean up the extra scraps of goop that fell off the picture. It worked well, and slowly, I got more and more into the plan; I was beginning to enjoy myself, and I was feeling much better already.

"This is such fun," Sirius told us all, beaming as he managed to get some gunk right on Snivelly's nose. "He could be a supermodel with this picture."

"Keep him out of the swimsuits though," I said. "People might die."

"Snivelly, in a swim suit." Peter shuddered. "I wouldn't be able to stand the X-rated horror."

Sirius laughed as he threw a wet sponge at Snivelly's hair. "If only I could do that to the real Snivellus. His mummy would thank me; she'd actually be able to keep him in the house without passing out from the rank."

"Really, you three," Remus said reproachfully. "Don't be so rude. I really think that you should stop this."

"Why?" Sirius inquired. "We're only helping him." He threw another sponge at the photo.

"Well, noble as your intentions are, I must request that you stop 'helping,'" Remus said.

"Relax, Moony," Peter said lazily, tossing a sponge of his own. "It's all in good fun."

"Somehow, I don't think so," said Remus.

"Ugh, is that Evans?" Sirius groaned. "Shit; she's going to suck the fun out of this, I know it. Damn prefect powers."

"Evans?" For some reason or another, Remus was quite nervous all of a sudden and mysteriously vanished from the hall. Sirius and Peter were just as surprised as I was, but it was Peter who asked, "Why did he go?"

"I don't know," Sirius said, baffled. "I just said that Evans was coming."

Evans did indeed come, and like I had anticipated, she was not at all happy to see the mess we had made. She did the usual – yelling at us, threatening us with detention, and getting pouty – but I was feeling particularly audacious; I talked back in a way I normally wouldn't have, and that offended her even more. Sirius and Peter were more than willing to back me up on the matter, which did help, but I couldn't get over the cooled, disappointed look behind Lily's eyes. I hated making her upset, but at the same time, she broke my heart every single day without so much as looking back; couldn't I be a _little_ rebellious? I owed myself _that _much, didn't I?

Lily wasn't the only one who visited our fun though; Snivelly himself decided to come and join the party, and tried to insult us. It didn't work, of course, because we three are the most sarcastic boys in our year, and Lily wouldn't allow either of us to be excessively nasty. That wasn't as important though; I can't even remember what we said, and I usually do a pretty good job with that.

Anyway, after we followed Evans's orders of cleaning up our Snivelly picture, Sirius, Peter, and I went back upstairs to the common room. Remus was already there, and he was reading his textbook, obviously trying to write an essay. I stared at his progress; why on earth was he doing his homework?!?!

"Moony, you need a life," Sirius said, echoing my thoughts. "Get your arse up off that couch, put that book away, and go and flirt with a girl. I dare you."

"I don't take your dare," Remus said, his ears turning bright red. "I don't like flirting with girls! I'm not like you, all right?"

"No, you're not," I agreed. "Why did you run away when we said that Evans was on her way over?"

"She would have made me try to stop you, and you know that I'm incapable of doing that," Remus told us. "She takes her job as prefect a little too seriously."

"I know," Peter said. "Here I was thinking _you_ were bad about rules, Moony; Lily's even worse! She's so damn uptight!"

"I know!" Sirius said, slamming his hand on the table and making Remus jump. "She acts like she's some kind of dictator! Granted, she's a pretty sexy dictator…"

"Shut up," I said, swatting at Sirius's arm. "She's _my_ sexy dictator."

"I never said she wasn't," Sirius defended himself. "I just said that she was sexy."

"When _you_ say something like that, Sirius, we all know that she's in danger of getting shagged in the near future," I pointed out.

Sirius grinned. "True, true; very true."

"Who did you do the other night?" Peter asked. "I thought I heard a girl in your bed when I went down for my midnight snack."

Sirius thought for a moment, and then laughed in his usual dog-like fashion. "Oh, that. Ha, it was Lindsay Bernard. She's a fantastic kisser."

"Didn't she swear to be a virgin until she was married though?" I inquired.

Sirius flashed me a grin, but didn't say any more on the subject. Peter giggled, but Remus just rolled his eyes and looked back at his book. Sirius noticed this, and said, "Oh come on, Remus; get out of that damn book and have some fun. You and Lily are so uptight; you'd make a good couple that way." He caught my murderous expression, and amended, "I mean, if James wasn't destined to have her."

Remus rolled his eyes, but his cheeks turned a warm pink before he said, "Thank you?"

"No, seriously!" Sirius insisted. "You're way too uptight; both of you are. When she next tries to stop us from having fun, I dare you to tell her that."

Remus did not answer, because at that very moment, Frank Longbottom ran into the common room. "Hey, Potter! Show us your butterbeer drinking skills!" he called, waving a bottle of butterbeer at me.

"Why?" It was a rather random request; why was he asking me to display my legendary butterbeer talents? We all knew I had them on the day I drank five bottles in a minute and a half.

"Oh, because Chris Daniels reckons that you made your record up, and I told him that you could definitely drink a bottle of butterbeer in twenty one seconds," Frank explained.

My blood began to boil; it sounded exactly like something Chris would say. That was why I stood up and said, "Give me that bottle."

"Everyone, he's going to do it!" Frank shouted to the rest of the Gryffindors in the common room. "Potter is going to show us his butterbeer drinking skills again!"

As a crowd assembled around me, Sirius took out his official butterbeer timer, and we prepared for me to start chugging. I saw Chris in the crowd and I gave him a jerk of my head to show him that I had indeed set that record, and I would do it again in front of his very eyes. He gave me a look that dared me to do it, and I looked to Sirius, waiting impatiently for him to get ready. At last, Sirius nodded and said, "Go!"

I began to drink, enjoying the feel of the warm liquid against my throat, and when I was finished, I banged the bottle on the table triumphantly. Everyone looked to Sirius for his verdict.

"Twenty seconds!" he announced, and everyone began to applaud me. I smiled and bowed, but then I heard Chris call out in his most spiteful voice.

"Oh, that's pitiful; go for twelve seconds."

"Challenge accepted," I yelled, looking around for another bottle of butterbeer. However, before I could start again, I heard the very familiar voice of Lily Evans cut into the conversation.

"Challenge not accepted," she said firmly. "This challenge is off; return the bottles of butterbeer at once – all of you."

"Remus said it was okay," Sirius told her, pointing at Remus. He was still on the couch, looking as though he had had nothing to do with my butterbeer chugging. She marched over to him, presumably to ask him about the chugging dare. We saw him talking to her, with Lily's expression growing more and more flustered, until she simply stalked off to her own dormitory, evidently miffed.

I approached Moony, and asked him interestedly, "What did you say to piss her off so much?"

"I told her what you told me to tell her," Remus answered. "I told her not to be so uptight."

"Really?" I was astonished; Remus almost never listened to us, and I told him this.

He shrugged. "It was good advice; she's pretty tense lately during our prefect patrolling."

Peter shrugged as well. "I can imagine that happening. She works too much."

"She's dedicated," I marveled with a sigh. "I love that about her; her determination is just amazing. She's so passionate."

"Passionate about hating you too, if I remember correctly," Sirius added.

"Oh, but that'll change," I assured him. "Soon."

"How long is soon?" Peter asked.

I didn't have an answer because, quite frankly, with Lily, there wasn't one. Lily Evans played by her own rules, and often times, we had no idea what those rules were until we broke them. And when we broke them, of course, our lives were in considerable danger. That was how she operated, and the sheer rashness of it made me ache for her again; I liked a girl who knew how to stand up for herself and play the game her way. There really aren't enough of such women in the world.

Ugh, damn it; I think Peter wants me to help him was his underwear…again. That boy…sometimes I wonder why he even exists.

**Lily**

November 5th

Dear Diary,

After the disastrous events of Halloween, I thought that _maybe_ I would forgive James a little bit, since he was so desperate for my attention. I mean, it was sort of flattering when a guy as popular as James Potter tries to fight for the attention of a plain, boring girl like me; I could cut him a break. I had the best of intentions this afternoon – truly, I did – but I know now that James is not at all worthy of them; Severus was the victim of James, Sirius, and Peter again today. I tried to stop them with Remus, since we were the prefects, but it didn't quite work out the way I planned.

Early this morning, James had set up a large photograph of Snape sneezing hideously during class at some point, and had taken the liberty of posting it on the Entrance Hall wall simply because he was bored, and to make things a little more interesting for him and his friends, the boys began happily throwing things at it. Sirius and Peter took turns throwing sponges, gunk, and trash from the kitchens all over the picture, and when the extra trimmings fell to the ground, James lazily flicked his wand to clear it up. They had begun to let students pay a Galleon and have a go and, predictably, their bucket of money had been growing rapidly. Otherwise, the students who were watching just guffawed at the effects and "entertainment" provided; I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Stop it James, Sirius, Peter," I called to them, bothered when I saw what they were up to. "Take it down before I report you and get you each a detention."

"Report me," Sirius taunted, grinning. "A detention or two is worth the fun I'm having."

"Amen," said Peter as he contentedly threw another sponge at Snape's picture. "You can give me three if you really want to, Lily."

I was about to open my mouth to tell them to please stop what they were doing, but at that moment, Snape himself walked in and glared at James with pure loathing as he took in the scene before him.

"You bastard; what are you doing?" Snape asked, fuming, as he rightfully should.

"Just beautifying you, Snivelly," Sirius answered for his friend, beaming. "NO need to thank us – it was _our_ pleasure."

"That's quite enough, Black," I snapped sharply. "Pettigrew, Potter; help him clean this mess up before I get you a week of detention each."

"Yeah, you guys," Peter said in an overly loud, showy voice. "Let's clean this up because _Lily Evans_, the great and wonderful prefect, told us to."

"Most definitely," Sirius agreed, sniggering. "Would you like us to do our homework next?"

"Or would you like us to take notes in class instead?" James added, high-fiving Sirius.

"Be serious please," I said, frowning at them.

"I can't! _He's_ Sirius!" Peter said, laughing hysterically at his own joke.

"What?" Sirius, James, and I asked at the same time.

"She said to be serious, but I can't, because _he's_ Sirius!" Peter clarified, still giggling. "Get it?"

Sirius put his arm around Peter's shoulder, put on a mournful expression, and shook his head sadly. "That just ruined it," he said.

"Come on, you know that was hilarious," Peter protested. "Wasn't it, Snivellus?"

"No," Snape replied curtly, his cold, black eyes starting to glitter. "Like you, Pettigrew, it was irritating and disgraceful."

"Oooh, are you going to take that, Peter?" Sirius teased. "Are you going to let that booger insult you?"

"Do I smell a _fight_ coming on?" James asked

"Your nose is out of order then, Potter, because I really will report this if all of the mess isn't gone in sixty seconds," I cut in. "Leave Severus alone – what has he ever done to you?"

"It was simple, really," James said conversationally. "Do keep up, Evans – I think we've been through this before."

"What are you talking about?" I inquired, my eyes narrowing.

"I'm talking about the main crime that Snivelly has committed," James explained as though this was very obvious. "He has chosen to _exist_, therefore making the world a worse place to live; haven't I established this already?"

"You absolutely disgust me, Potter," I said with revulsion. "You really do; now clean this up _right now_ or else I'm going to fetch Professor McGonagall."

This time, Sirius said wistfully, "Are you sure we have to clean it up? Snivelly was just beginning to look pretty."

"Yes, you do," I confirmed. "Get to it."

After much complaining (and shouting on my part), James, Sirius, and Peter finally disposed of the Snape photo and put away the "art supplies" in their rightful places. I inspected the Entrance Hall quickly when they were done and nodded once for the boys to leave. The crowd of people went with them; things were only entertaining for them when James and Sirius were around. That left Severus alone with me; I turned to leave as well, but alas, he caught up to me.

"Thanks for getting them away from me," he said. "James is such an arsehole."

"Definitely," I agreed grimly before I could stop myself. Then I realized my mistake – which was allowing conversation with Snape – and I was condemned to listen to his monologue all the way to the seventh floor, though I didn't really listen to it.

"Well, I'll talk to you later, Lily," Snape said when we, at long last, reached the Gryffindor portrait hole. "Bye."

"Bye," I repeated darkly, disgruntled, as I went inside. When I came in, I was horrified to see James was chugging a bottle of butterbeer in the middle of a large crowd, who were all cheering for him! I watched in shock as he slammed the empty bottle triumphantly on the table. Sirius checked his watch and shouted, "Twenty seconds!"

"Oh, that's pitiful," someone called. "Have another go, Potter – try for twelve seconds!"

James pretended to deliberate on this for a moment, but then yelled, "Challenge accepted!"

"Challenge not accepted," I interrupted. "This challenge is off; return the bottles of butterbeer at once – all of you."

"Remus said it was okay," Sirius said innocently, gesturing to his friend. Remus was sitting on the couch nearby, hiding behind a textbook. I sighed and went up to him.

"Why didn't you stop them?" I demanded.

"They aren't really doing anything outside of their limits," he mumbled, his forehead a healthy red; he was determinedly avoiding my eyes.

I put my hand on my hips and said, "Come on, Remus; back me up on this – we are prefects, and it's up to us to enforce the rules."

"Lily, please," he said tiredly. "Don't force me into this."

"Take some charge!" I insisted. "Help me stop them – you're the only one that they'll listen to."

Remus got up and looked me straight in the eye for, I realized, the very first time; he always talked to the floor, and occasionally at his feet – I had never really seen his eyes. They were a gray-brown; I discovered that I rather liked them.

"Lil, let it go," he said sternly, his lovely eyes resolute. "Rules aren't everything – don't be so uptight."

"I'm not being uptight," I opposed, offended by this accusation. "I'm just…saving him from-from the evils of butterbeer. It can do atrocious things to a pancreas, you know."

"It is nice to hear that you care so deeply about James's digestive system, but I really think you should calm down," Remus said, going back to his book. "Relax."

I honestly had nothing to say back, so I stomped right out of the room to my dormitory. I heard later that James did get down to twelve seconds, but I was confused about Remus, mostly. Why hadn't he helped me? He'd become sort of a friend to me over the years – didn't friends help one another? He had been acting really odd ever since our first prefect patrolling event. That had been the day I had told him James controlled him too much. Remus didn't strike me as the type to hold a grudge for too long, so I was a bit baffled by the sudden lack of ordinary sociability.

As for James, well, my opinions remain the same. I had considered giving him a chance, but, of course, he blew it. He's such a pain; he doesn't deserve it. Maybe if he tried showing some signs of maturity, I would re-evaluate, but of course, he ruined that for me too.

I have a secret though – one that I have never told a living soul or even wrote on a fragment of parchment, for fear of having it discovered. This is a private diary, which is always in my care, so I think it's time to write that secret in here. It's just difficult to put that kind of thing in here – I would rather be shot dead than have the knowledge out there, but here it is.

I used to have a crush on James Potter.

Not a really big one or anything! Not where I was hopelessly addicted to him or staring at him all day! I was in first year and I didn't know any better; couldn't you cut me a break? He was just…he was talented and kind of cute back then and I kind of liked him. This was before he noticed me though – this was when he was normal and not as egotistical. It was halfway through first year when he noticed me and tried to make me like him; up to that point, I had actually considered a bit flirtation for his attention. I had been so stupid; I had wished that he would take an interest me. I guess that fate took my wish a little too seriously. Now I'm stuck, still paying for a little desire I'd had when I was too young to understand the horror of it.

Of course, that crush passed. I don't like him _at all_ now. I promise I don't! If I liked him now, I would have been nice to him. I would have flirted back when he tried to impress me, and I would have probably asked him out too. But I didn't do any of those things; I didn't do them because I don't like him. Kyleigh thinks that I do like him secretly and I'm just a coward who doesn't want to take action – which is, in all probability, quite true – but not in this case. I hate James because he tries too hard to get me to notice him, and because he's simply arrogant and stuck-up. Only brainless nitwits would like a person like that.

Damn it; I'm in Transfiguration at the moment, and Professor McGonagall is getting suspicious of my attention to her, or really, the lack of it. I'd best put this away before she comes, takes it, and reads it; Professor McGonagall is one of those people who, when she threatens to do such a thing, actually does it. I think I'd die if she read my diary.

Hell, I'd die if _anyone_ read my diary.


	8. Hanging On

_A/N: This chapter is super short, compared to the other ones, because I have a really long one planned for Chapter 9. Don't worry; the goods are coming very, VERY soon. :D The next chapter will be explosive, and will completely screw up Lily's life, and James's too, come to think of it. Anyway, so just read this and get an idea of how things are working right now so that you know just how much I ruin it in the next chapter. :P And the chapter name? Yeah, I know, it kinda sucks, but it's kind of what they're doing right now. :/_

**James**

November 10th

Dear Diary,

I'm in Transfiguration at the moment, and Lily is driving me insane again.

She's sitting there – working, talking, and laughing – and instead of working myself, I'm watching her and her friends. Kyleigh has just managed to master the art of turning a mouse into a jewelry box, and Leila is still trying to make her box look prettier. Lily is laughing at the two of them; she's made a satisfactory box already and now she's playing with a spare mouse. Leila just gave out this enormous scream when she saw the little creature; that girl is abnormally afraid of mice. Kyleigh doesn't care about mice – she's starting to tease Leila now along with Lily.

As you can see, she is doing nothing out of the ordinary right now, but that's what's driving me insane; I want her to stop messing around with her friends and sit with me, and mess around with me instead. I can't help myself – she's just so perfect, and I want nothing more than for her to realize how much I care, and possibly show some of that feeling back.

Sirius is looking at me like I'm deranged or something right now though. I suppose I am deranged; we are in the middle of class and I am writing in a diary which Remus makes me use, and I'm doing it on my own free will. I guess this stupid book has grown on me after all. Still…Sirius doesn't understand me, in this exemplary instance. He's my best mate, but he's never fallen in love the way I have, and he's never seen a girl the way I see Lily. He can never really recognize what I'm going through, and I'm well aware of this.

Lily is waving her mouse in Leila's face again, and Kyleigh is staring adoringly at Sirius for the sixth time today. Does she have anything better to do in life? Kyleigh is a nice girl, but she's always devoted to either me or Sirius – occasionally both of us at the same time. I try being normal and friendly towards her, but I know that she interprets it much differently that it needs to be taken. That's a little worrisome – I almost know that she will do something rash eventually. I think I've made it pretty clear that I care for _Lily_ though – why can't she see that?

Professor McGonagall just made Leila leave the room for her "disruptive behavior," and Lily is gigging again. I'd give anything for her to giggle like that at something _I_ did, but I know better than to hope by now. Still, it's refreshing to watch her smile, and entertaining to watch Leila sulk. Haha.

Actually, I had Lily on my mind this way yesterday as well; I kept thinking about her during our midnight escapade last night. It was a little less on the exploring side, and was quite high on the Lily side. Yesterday, Remus transformed again, and we followed him out as our animals. We ran around the grounds like we usually did, racing and laughing at each other, but I got bored of it pretty quickly.

"I'm going to go find Lils," I told them all after a while. "I'll be inside the girl's dormitory."

"Bye then, Miss Potter," Sirius said, winking, as he and Peter went back to the Forbidden Forest. "See you later."

I waved and ran upstairs as a stag, which was perhaps not the smartest move, but it added a bit of danger to my otherwise harmless mission, which was, of course, the intent. I barged into the girl's dormitory as planned and turned back into a human being. Stealthily, I crept up to Lily's bed, taking care to be quiet so I wouldn't wake the other girls. I gently moved the covers from her face and began to take her image in.

Lily was even more beautiful when she was asleep, if it was possible. She was so vulnerable; her face, usually radiating with worry and hatred (if I was around), was smooth and undisturbed for once. She seemed to be having pleasant thoughts, since there was a small smile on her face, and she looked so pure and innocent; it was startling, considering that she swore at me often, and enjoyed yelling at me. I admired her in silence for a few minutes before creeping out, pleased with my discoveries; the soft Lily, the one I had fallen in love with, still existed, and with a little bit of work, was mine for the taking. Excellent.

Oh damn; McGonagall is looking at me funny again since I was scribbling in this stupid book for so long and was not playing around with my box. Best be off before she tries to look in here.

**Lily**

November 10th

Dear Diary,

Time for me to complain again; I seem to need that more than I did in past years. I wonder why. Oh, wait, I don't even have to wonder; I already know that the reason is _all this bloody homework._

I know that I'm an over-achiever who's obsessed with her grades and all that, but the homework definitely took a turn for the worst this year. I have a couple of essays still to do, and I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole I've never been in before, and I know that it probably shows on my face. I'm an open book; people always see what I'm thinking because it's clearly written across my face. I hate that, but it's how it is, I suppose. But, when I look at other people in my year, they seem to be perfectly normal, as though nothing could bother them. Did they already finish their mountains of homework? No, they couldn't have, because all night, they had been laughing at James's jokes. It was beyond aggravating.

I'm trying to seem like this whole homework situation is getting to me. I fool around a lot in class, and I try to laugh and smile as much as I possibly can. Like, today in Transfiguration, I kept dangling a mouse in Leila's face and got her sent out of the room. Kyleigh and I had enjoyed ourselves imitating her squeals when we finished our work; fun was not something I had a lot of nowadays, so the break was refreshing. However, when I got to Charms the next period, I felt horrible again. I spent the period trying to find out why I switched moods so much and so easily, but I came up with absolutely nothing. Great, right? Not really.

I know I've said this before, but I just don't know why this is affecting me so much. Normally, I'm just a little moody and a little extra-busy when I'm worried about my homework, but now, I'm super moody and spend most of the nights working. No, not working; I spend my nights thinking more than usual as well. I mostly think about Chris and Remus. Both of them have been acting different around me lately. Chris flirts with me non-stop, which is weird, because he normally flirts with the prettiest girls in the year. Maybe he needed a break from perfection and wanted someone ugly. That was probably the case, but I was still disconcerted from his attention; since when did I deserve the time of day from a person like Chris? Remus, too, has been odd; he's always embarrassed and flustered when he's around me. I don't think about him as much though; I know that he probably doesn't like me because he's too sensible, but I thought I'd mention his peculiarity as well.

Ugh; I've only just realized that it's eleven now, and I have another essay yet to finish before I retire for the night. Joy. I'd better finish that; hopefully something of consequence will occur that will be worth writing about – today wasn't one of those types of days.


	9. Pool Party

**Lily**

November 17th

Dear Diary,

Quidditch is the game of the barbarians.

I'm not even kidding – it's not a true game of Quidditch unless the players take an attempt at each other's lives and at Hogwarts, a 'real' game involves taking a minimum of three tries to kill someone.

Today, it was Gryffindor against Ravenclaw, and everyone obviously went out to support the appropriate team. Kyleigh left Leila and me at breakfast to go change (she is the Keeper for the Gryffindor team, in case I haven't yet mentioned that), reminding us to watch her at eleven later that morning while she played. We promised we would, but I considered bringing a helmet with me.

Indeed, I did need one when I got out there, though I didn't bring it; Bludgers frequently flew near the spectators, and James liked to fly near me as well, and wink at me every so often. It was despicable, and I longed to hit him with something, but I couldn't, regrettable though it was. But Kyleigh played very well; she only let in a couple of goals over the course of the game. Leila follows Quidditch a lot better than I do, so she had more reason to cheer than I did – I preferred cowering below the seat in front of me and hoping nothing hit me.

I discovered later that the match only went on for an hour, but while I had been there, it had felt endless. Leila had managed to shout until she lost her voice, but then resolved to help raise a massive Gryffindor banner. I didn't do that; like I said, I was a bit of a coward, but with a very good reason – I had gotten hit with a Bludger while watching a game in first year, and had been terrified ever since because I had broken my nose. The match ended with bloody James Potter scoring his sixteenth goal just as the Snitch was caught, and having his fans cheer endlessly for him – surprise, surprise. Nobody even cared about the poor Seeker; it was James that they all cared about. I rolled my eyes as I realized this, and refused to scream my support like Leila was, and left the stadium quickly – I had homework I had to do, and it had to get done quickly so that I could work on my O. W. L. practice papers. As I was leaving, however, I bumped into Snape.

"Oh, sorry," I muttered, not even noticing who it was at first as I tried hurry myself away.

"Hi Lily," an oily voice said to me. I looked up to see Severus blushing very slightly in front of me.

"Hello," I said, trying to be pleasant; everyone loved to pick on him, and though I tried my hardest not to be one of them, I didn't want to chat with him one-on-one.

"It was a good match, wasn't it," he said, obviously trying to make conversation with me.

"Yes, it was," I agreed. "Quidditch frightens me though, so I didn't watch all of it."

"Really?" Snape asked. "It's kind of startling with the flying balls that can kill you, but I enjoy it. I wanted Ravenclaw to win though – not Gryffindor."

"I'm in Gryffindor, so I kind of wanted them to win," I said, smiling awkwardly.

"Your hair looks really nice today," Snape said suddenly, looking very sheepish and embarrassed.

"Does it?" I fingered my hair curiously; it was very greasy since I'd forgotten to wash it the night before, and was left in a mess all around my shoulders. "Thanks, I guess," I said.

"No, it's very casual, and it looks good on you," Snape insisted, going crimson.

"I forgot to wash it the other night, so that's why it's looking so hideous," I said with revulsion, touching a lock of my hair again and hating the feel of it.

"You look really pretty _all_ the time," he said nearly inaudibly, his face even redder, if it was possible.

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but I was spared the trouble of answering as the rest of the school began walking in. I located Leila and Kyleigh at once, and made my way to them before Snape could really say anything else.

"Where were you, Lil?" Kyleigh asked, beaming. "We were just celebrating; why don't you join us?"

"I wanted to go upstairs and finish my work," I answered honestly. "I wasn't in the mood to applaud nearly dying out on the Quidditch field anyway."

"Aren't you glad we won?" Kyleigh inquired, hurt.

"Of course I am!" I said. "I just didn't want to stick around for the Neanderthal Festival."

"Oh yeah, because you didn't want to see James," Leila said wisely, nodding. "I understand."

"That was an added bonus, but I had to do some O. W. L. practice papers," I explained. "And I want to finish that essay for McGonagall."

"That essay is due next week, and the exams are _ages_ away," Kyleigh dismissed. "Look, we are in the running for the Quidditch Cup and we want to have a bit of fun; we're going to the prefect's bathroom to have a pool party. You and Remus are prefects – you could get us in!"

"So _that's_ why you needed me," I said crossly. "Well, I'm not interested."

"James is squeezing the password out of Remus as we speak; we just want to bring you so we can all have a good time!" Leila said. "Sirius is working on getting us some firewhiskey for the party as well!"

"Still not interested," I said. "I have work to do."

"Lils, you are absolutely _boring_! Come have some fun!" Kyleigh insisted, tugging at my arm. "You did bring your bikini, didn't you?"

"You packed my suitcase for me, so I daresay I _did_ bring it," I said through clenched teeth.

"Oh yeah! I packed that cute purple one I gave you for your birthday that you never wear," Kyleigh recalled. "Great; you have an opportunity to use it now! It'll look so hot on you; James will be stalking you all night."

"James will be there – oh yes," I realized. "That's an even bigger incentive for me not to go."

"Don't be difficult, Lily," Leila tried to soothe me. "Now come on – this party is in a couple of hours, and we need to get you ready."

"Oh yes, I should definitely let you guys prepare me for this party, because it worked so well last time you did it," I said sarcastically.

"Chris Daniels and James Potter were fighting over you all night," Leila said. "That's fantastic! That's why we should be your personal party stylists."

"You are going to look ridiculously sexy tonight," Kyleigh promised. "Just let us take care of everything, and you will be the target of every boy who can see after tonight."

With this ominous sounding threat, I was hauled up to the bathroom in our dormitory against my will to be dressed up – or, really, dressed down. After many tantrums and complaints on my part and much coaxing and patience on their part though, I was wearing that purple bikini I had sworn not to wear the moment I received it; I had very mean friends.

Kyleigh was in a white swimsuit with multi-colored polka dots and Leila was in a plain navy one – they had to wear robes over the suits obviously, so that they wouldn't get caught by teachers, and they lent me one of their spare ones to wear. I still have no idea how they managed to convince me that this was a good idea, but before I knew it, all three of us girls were entering the prefect's bathroom.

Being a prefect was great just because you were permitted to use that special bathroom; the tub was like a swimming pool, and you could choose from a wide variety of bubbles in literally hundred of taps. All of the Gryffindor fifth years were already in their swimsuits doing the usual pool party crap – splashing, flirting, and showing off – and I felt like a victim trapped in a horror movie.

"I was here, so can I please leave?" I moaned, hugging my robe closer to me. "This is like one of those nightmares that you keep a teddy bear for."

"Come on, Lily, it's going to be fun," Leila encouraged me. "Take off the robe, have a swim, and drink some butterbeer. Try some firewhiskey later too."

"No," I repeated. "Never."

Kyleigh rolled her eyes, told Leila to deal with me, took off her robe, and ran off to flirt with Sirius. Leila considered me for a moment before ripping my robe off me. My eyes bugged open as I instinctively covered most of myself with my arms, but of course, people had already seen me.

"Evans, you look good," a blonde guy I vaguely recognized from the Quidditch team called out to me. He had well-defined muscles on his body, and I could feel the arrogance radiating off of him. He thought he was better than me despite his comment, and so he mocked me; I could have cursed him right then and there.

He wasn't the only one though; every boy in the room shouted something out to me, and they all said something along the lines of what that first idiot had said. The worst part of my ordeal was that Leila kept my robe – she said I could have it back when it was time to leave. So I was stuck standing there in nothing more than waterproof underwear, with boys there to look at me or possibly drag me to the side to shag me. I felt awful, and quite cold. Eventually, James saw me, petrified, and came over to talk to me.

"I am quite impressed, Evans," he commented, looking me over with a grin. "I should probably arrange more pool parties."

If he had told me that now, as I write this entry, I would have probably let out a stream of curse words, but at that point, I was too horrified to say anything. Finally though, I found some common sense and jumped into the pool, trying my hardest to cover myself. The party guests forgot about me then, but I was still terrified; not only was I mostly exposed, people around me began to get really drunk – Kyleigh included.

Thankfully, Leila stayed sober, but she still flirted with guys as though she was drunk anyway. I favored taking refuge in the pool bubbles, trying to disregard the drunkards around me – some of them did talk to me, but I scooted away, and they didn't really bother me again. Kyleigh came up to me once, completely intoxicated, and told me to have a whiskey. I refused, and she stumbled away – I didn't see her again throughout the party.

By midnight, people began to get very drowsy, thanks to all the poisons recently added to their bloodstream, and they started tottering towards the dormitories. Leila finally gave me the robe back, and I put it on at once, thankful that I could now go upstairs as well. Kyleigh was escorted by Leila and a few others since she was half-asleep, so I was able to go at my own pace, reflecting on the torture I had to be put through.

I was, in all honesty, utterly dejected after everything; I had been half-naked in the middle of a large crowd, and it was because of my friends – I had not wanted any of it. Numerous boys I hadn't spoken to in my life had started to talk about me like I was some museum artifact to be stared at all the time, and my best friends had started to come like them. I was cold, wet, and miserable – that was _not_ how I had wanted to spend my evening.

On the way up, I bumped into Chris. He was, thankfully, sober and rather surprised to see me. I knew I probably looked a fright; my hair was grungy and reeked of chlorine and soap, and I hadn't been a sight to see before that either. I tried to side-step him but he stopped me.

"I'm sorry, I really just want to get cleaned up," I said. "I look nasty at the moment, and I know that."

"No, you look a hell of a lot better than most of the girls that I saw tonight," he said, smiling at me. "The wet look works on you."

I blushed, but he brushed some of my hair out of my face. "You know, Lily, I've been seeing a lot of you lately."

"You have," I agreed.

"And I think I want to get to know you better," he continued.

"You do?" This was the last thing I had expected him to say; normally when boys told me that they'd seen a lot of me, they wanted to tell me to leave them alone because I wasn't their type. Never had a boy told me that they wanted to know me better; this was completely screwed up.

"Yes, I do," Chris confirmed, giving me his favorite lopsided grin. "What do you say to Monday night, two nights from now; we can go to Hogsmeade and get a butterbeer or something."

My mouth was left hanging open; had I just been asked out? Yes, I had been. I tried to find my voice, and said, "Erm, sure. I'd…I think I'd like that."

His smile turned brilliant, the shape of his mouth reminiscent to half a watermelon. "Lovely. I can't wait." He took my hand in his and kissed it formally, as though he was a formal Frenchman. It was with a lot of self-restraint that I didn't squeal shrilly as he walked away and let me walk back to my dormitory. Once I was safely upstairs and alone, I began to dance around the room; I had just been asked out by Chris Daniels and accepted!!!

I waltzed into the bathroom, still in la-la land, and took a long, hot shower (during which I did wash my hair) and settled into bed with my textbooks and O. W. L. prep. Leila came in, pulling Kyleigh along with her, by one in the morning, when I was in the middle of my fourth practice.

"There you are," I said cheerfully as I watched Leila throw a sleeping Kyleigh on her bed. "I've been waiting for you."

"Yeah, here I am," Leila said, disgruntled, as she climbed into her own bed. "Don't even ask me what I was doing – you don't really want to know. By the way, what are you working on?"

"An O. W. L. practice," I said. "I was doing it while I was waiting for you and Leigh to come back in."

"Lily," she moaned. "Why do you do these weird things?"

"It's not weird, it's important," I objected. "This is my _future_, Leila; I have to prepare to the best of my abilities."

"Well, I have a little gossip that may or may not interest you," Leila said triumphantly. "Chris was asking me about you."

"Really? What did he say?"

"He said you looked, and I quote, really hot today," she cried, looking thrilled. "He kept staring at you! He couldn't take those gorgeous brown eyes away from you all evening, even when you were standing in the pool looking like a lost puppy."

Ignoring the remark on looking like a puppy, I shrieked, "He thinks I'm hot? The boy is blind! I am the farthest thing from it! He should have stuck with Kyleigh if he wanted pretty."

"Aww, Lily, don't say that," Leila said comfortingly. "You don't give yourself enough credit – you are a very pretty girl."

"My hair is a knot-ball, my skin is perpetually dry, and I'm told that I always look sad," I counted off on my fingers. "Those are not traits of a 'very pretty girl.'"

Leila laughed bitterly, in a way, and said, "Please Lil – save it; you're being an attention-seeker again."

"Fine," I said huffily. "Then I won't tell you what happened with me and Chris a few minutes ago."

"All right, I'm sorry," she apologized. "I'm tired and cranky right now, and your pessimism is not exactly what I want to deal with at the moment."

I shrugged. "Well, Chris asked me out."

"No way!" Her attention was caught; in fact, Leila looked about ready to go into convulsions of excitement for me. "When?"

"Monday, at six," I said proudly. "Butterbeer. I couldn't believe it!"

"I can't either! This is so awesome!" Leila leaped to me and hugged me tightly. "Finally, Lils! A guy that you said yes to!"

I smirked. "Don't be mean, Leila. We'll tell Kyleigh tomorrow and make her super jealous. Good night."

"Good night," she said back, turning out her light and snuggling into her covers. She didn't say anything more, and after five minutes, her breathing was slow and rhythmic, and I knew that she was asleep. I smiled at her sleeping form, kept my light on, and took out my papers again, intending to work.

When I was done, I thought a great deal about Chris. Was it a mistake saying yes to him? I'm somewhat hideous, so any guy I can halfway stand that asks me out should probably be something of a blessing. But, at the same time, I didn't want to agree with him, because I don't want to date until I am at least sixteen; going on this date would kind of violate that decision.

As of now though, I have decided that I'll give Chris a chance – I mean, how bad could it be?

**James**

November 17th

Dear Diary,

Today was definitely a day worth writing about in this stupid book, but since I'm too restless to write every single thing down, I'll tell the story the best I can.

First of all, we had a Quidditch match, which we, of course won. It was exhilarating; I scored all of the points for Gryffindor, with a little bit of assistance, and got countless opportunities to wink at Lily. Ha; I liked that last bit the most. She threw me a bunch of filthy looks, which kind of discouraged me, but I still flirted nonstop, even though I was in the middle of an intense match.

After the Snitch was finally caught, we all began to run around the field like maniacs. We were in the running for the Quidditch Cup! It was definitely something to celebrate. Remus, being the boring arse that he was, didn't want to have a party, but Sirius did; that meant that Peter did as well, and I was always in the mood for a party.

"Let's do something in the pool," Sirius suggested. "I want to see girls in bikinis. Maybe I'll shag one. I'm in the mood."

"You're _always _in the mood to shag a girl," Remus pointed out.

"That's true," Sirius agreed. "It's fun; you should try it sometime."

"No," Remus said, wrinkling his nose.

"Start flirting, Moony," Sirius advised. "Get a girl to like you, get in bed with her, and then you'll know why I like it so much."

"There's only one girl I'd ever get in bed with, and you know who that is," I announced.

Peter laughed. "Lily Evans."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious," said Sirius, chortling. "But really, Prongs and Moony; try getting in bed with a girl. Prongs, don't worry about Lily; drag her into bed with you, and she'll behave after a few kisses – I've dealt with her type so many times before."

"You are sick," Remus said, revolted. "Truly sick and perverted in every way."

"What can I say?" Sirius said, stretching out his arms and grinning. "I like girls."

"And you said _I_ pointed out the obvious," Peter said with a roll of his eyes.

"Can you please stop talking about having sex?" Remus requested, his nose wrinkled again. "You shouldn't do it until you're married."

"Don't be boring," Sirius said. "Where's the fun in life if you don't shag a girl at least once before you're married?"

Remus chose not to answer this, and Sirius changed the subject back to the party. "So I want a pool party. Ooh! Let's do it in the prefect's bathroom! I hear that their bathtub is like a swimming pool."

"How would you know that?" Remus inquired. "I doubt you've ever been in it, seeing as you're a juvenile delinquent."

Sirius made a face. "Shut up, Moony. I heard rumors about it, that's all. Am I right?"

"Yes, you are, actually," said Remus. "But you can't get in without the password."

"Which you know, since you're a prefect," I pointed out. "Come on, Moony; tell us?"

"No," Remus refused sternly. "Nothing you say or do will make me tell you the password."

Sirius thought for a moment, and then jumped on Remus's foot. Peter hopped forward and stepped on the other while I watched in amusement; after a few minutes of this, Remus, howling with pain, told us the password, which was 'banana-nut muffin.' Sirius beamed, high-fived Peter, and dashed back out to give people the invitations to the party we were apparently going to throw in a couple of hours.

Eventually, we all got into our swimming trunks and ran into the prefect's bathroom. Remus did not join us, since he was, like I said, a boring arse. But, fortunately, Sirius, Peter and I went, and welcomed the first few guests by the portrait hole, seeing as they didn't know the password. Once a few wild guys came in, the party really started, because they put on all the taps and made hundreds of bubbles come out and fly all across the room. We had bubble fights, which were immature, according to Moony when we told him about it, but it was a good idea at the time – we killed about a half an hour that way.

After the bubble fight, we had nearly everyone there; we were all over the bathroom, swimming, drinking firewhiskey that Sirius had managed to filch, or flirting, often all three at the same time. Sirius got quite drunk and took an interest in nearly every girl wearing a bikini, to which Peter laughed, and by the end of the party, had gone through half of the bottles we had stolen for the party. Peter preferred to hang back and watch the girls walk around and talk to one another, but he obviously couldn't flirt with them; after Sirius's first-class talents, no one would have him, and everyone knew that. I, on the other hand, did a dangerous amount of flirting, though it was Lily who was on my mind the whole time.

I don't know exactly what time Kyleigh, Leila, and Lily walked in to the prefect's bathroom, but all I can recall is that the entire room went silent, which was a miracle in itself, seeing as it was so loud moments before. Kyleigh went straight for Sirius, Leila went straight into the water, but Lily was standing there still, wearing a purple bikini. I dropped my bottle of butterbeer on the ground; she was looking fantastic, but very embarrassed for some reason. People were wolf-whistling at her and trying to shout flirtatious remarks from across the bathroom, but she looked like a frightened little mouse cowering before my very eyes.

"Damn, look at her in that bikini!" I whispered to Peter, gesturing to Lily.

"You really know how to pick them, Prongs," Peter complimented me.

I grinned. "Yeah. But damn! She looks sexier and sexier this year."

"She should be a model," Peter said, his beady eyes falling on her legs, which were admittedly quite sexy as well.

"She should," I agreed. "She's the best looking girl in our year, hands down."

"Remember in first year when she had that mop of carrot-colored hair?" Peter asked reminiscently, laughing. "You used to tease her about it all the time."

"Oh yeah." I began to laugh with him. "That was one of the reasons why she hated me so much."

We watched Lily become the target for all the sober boys in the room for a little while before Peter's attention was to Leila at that point; he even tried to flirt with her, but she slapped him. He swore at her, came back to where I was standing (in peals of laughter), and spent the rest of the party staring mutinously at her, uttering a curse word under his breath every few minutes. I, however, walked over to her, promising myself that I would comfort her and give her a butterbeer instead of flirting.

When I actually approached her though, the usual uncontrollable impulse took over me; I grinned at her and said, "I'm impressed, Evans; maybe I should arrange more pool parties."

She glared at me, all meekness forgotten, and I wanted to smack myself; why had I said that?! It was the dumbest thing I could tell her, but it had tumbled out of my mouth anyway. Lily ran from me, and jumped into the pool to hide in the bubbles. I wanted to laugh, but at the same time, I didn't want to humiliate her more than she already was; I decided just to leave her alone and enjoy the party, which was in full swing around me.

At midnight, the clock chimed twelve times, and that registered into the minds of the drunken people in the pool to go upstairs and hit the sack. Leila was forced to lug Kyleigh out of the pool and out of the portrait to take her upstairs because she was that high. Lily took her robe from Leila and fled the party before I could say anything more to her, so I had to assist Leila; Kyleigh was no feather, and could not be taken up the stairs to the seventh floor by just one person. Sirius had tottered away before I could grab him and try to sober him up, so I enlisted the help of Peter. Leila looked eternally grateful, but I didn't speak to her; I didn't want her to develop a bigger crush on me.

On our way up, I saw Chris Daniels wearing a smug expression on his face as he walked in the same direction we were. He glanced at me as though I'd lost a Quidditch match and let him win it, though I couldn't imagine why; what had he done that caused him to look at me that way? I dismissed it at that time, but it's bothering me quite a lot as I write about it; I'm not saying that the superiority in his bloody face is out of character, but it's just…different.

That's really about all that's worth telling about; I didn't do much else except throw Kyleigh into the girl's dormitory for Leila and think about Lily. I'm supposed to be asleep in bed right now, but I'm not; I'm worried. I saw Chris give her looks in the prefect's bathroom that scared me. They weren't looks of a crush; they were the looks of a wolf that found its prey. The very last thing I wanted was for Lily to get hurt by him, so I knew that I had to take action. I'm thinking about it as I write this actually; I could warn her, murder Chris, date her myself so that she was taken…right now, I'm favoring murder, but I'm not sure yet.

Hopefully something will come to me soon.


	10. A Few Reflections

_A/N: This chapter is, regrettably, a bit short as well, but it's more reflective than anything else, and I actually made a conscious effort to contrast a few of the things that James and Lily said in these entries. See if you can spot them! Anyway, enjoy, and the next chapter will add another element to this insane mix. :P No joke though; something will happen in the next chapter that will mess things up for them a little bit more – as if they didn't have enough to deal with already._

**James**

November 20th

Dear Diary,

After recent events, I've come to realize that there are some things that need to change about me. I'm a good person, and I know it, but the trouble is that no one_ else_ knows it. I was always one type of person around my friends and the other Gryffindors, but now I'm not sure if that was the right course of action to take. I'm particularly gifted with the art of making people know only what I want, and because of that, they don't know some crucial things, no matter how amazing my sense of judgment is. I'm not always sure of what I'm doing when it comes to revealing information, strange though it seems, coming from a person like me, but that's the reality of it.

For example, everyone has always known that I've fancied Lily Evans because I wanted them to – it's as plain as that. What everyone _doesn't_ know though is how much I _truly_ fancy her on the inside – how far I'd go for her any day, every day. I feel like I'm some lame, love-struck storybook character, but it's the honest truth; Lily Evans means the world to me no matter what she odes, and very simply put, I love her to death.

What I'm also not sure of, however, is if love is supposed to be this complicated, or emotionally slave-driving. If it is, then I know that I'm properly in it. It's all so bloody tiresome; love hurts. I long to be with Lily, but I know that I can't. I feel like I'm living for the moments when I see her pass me in the halls, and when she doesn't even look at me, I do expect it, but I'm still disappointed. It's all about waiting, this love disease I've caught; agonizing waits for…for what? I don't even know yet. And, the hell of the situation is that no one even understands how much this feeling eats away at me, or what mayhem goes on with my heartbeat when she's near me. Yes, now I'm being a misjudged jock who has such a sad, miserable life behind his swagger, but it's how it is! No one can even begin to comprehend how much she represents to me, and I think that I know why; but it does involve my telling a little tale of my life from when I was eleven years old.

When you think of me now, James Potter, age fifteen, you immediately think of a funny, messy-haired, Quidditch-playing guy who likes to flirt with girls. I've built up that reputation whether I intended to or not, and based on it, I know what people think of when they see me. Now, that's obviously not everything I am; actually, you've only just scratched the surface when you say that. There's this whole other side to me, and it's everything you'd never expect from a guy of my popularity status. The catch is that I am the only one who's aware of its existence – something I've lived with and never really minded when I was eleven.

That thought process changed quickly; when I was twelve and I was chasing after Lily Evans, she called me conceited and shallow. That had happened many times before with many different people, but it bothered me only because of the way _she_ said it; she, unlike everyone else, passionately and honestly believed the words coming out of her mouth. It shocked me, and it was then that I began to realize that maybe I was overdoing the cover of my more tender thoughts; winning Lily over, as well as keeping myself "normal," would be much harder than I had anticipated.

I won't go into all of the details, but when I was entering third year, my sole resolution was to expose a bit more of my tender side to Evans. I was sure that this would cancel out any doubts she had about me; I could take her out one day and we'd be happy together. It would be great, and it would also be very straightforward…or so I had thought.

It didn't take long for me to figure out that I couldn't be deep around Lily; I could only goof off. It wasn't deliberate or anything, but that was just how it was – I couldn't help but make a fool out of myself when she was nearby. I tried countless methods of impressing her, but it didn't quite work out as well as I had hoped. Simply stated, third year was a disaster (despite my noble goals) and she only hated me more, if it was possible. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done so much to impress (or annoy) her; she got more rebellious with each tactic, and if I hadn't pushed so hard, she would have been much easier to crack.

Fourth year was more or less the same type of thing – I tried to astound Lily, I did something really stupid, Lily got pissed off, and increased her level of hatred toward me as a result. I didn't really mind it though – I just wanted _some_ type of attention from a girl I liked, and I got it. Her opinions may have been negative, but she had seen me; now I just had to make her like me back. It obviously didn't take much time before I discovered that this was much easier said than done.

This year, however, is going to be different. This year, I can actually _feel_ my emotions towards her changing, and I can _feel_ myself yearn to be closer to her. I guess you could call it puppy love – a pointless crush, if you will – what I had for her before, but now I knew it was for real. The things I don't know about her seem to be eating me up inside; I want to know _everything_. I never had a kiss that was true by _my_ definition, but I longed to share one with her. Sure, I'd given a few girls a peck on the cheek or the lips before, but it was only because I had given up hope on Lily. Now, I'm not giving up; this year, I will make my sincere feelings known. This year, I will get my first real kiss, and it will be from Lily.

I don't really know much of anything at this point when it comes to loving her, but what I _can _be sure of is that Lily Evans is everything to me, and I can only hope that one day very soon, she will come to realize it.

**Lily**

November 20th

Dear Diary,

Chris just dropped me back to the base of the dormitory five minutes ago; our date had finished a few minutes before that. I am still in shock, so my description of the day is a bit vague; all the details leaked out of my head in light of the situation. I'm sorry about that.

It actually wasn't as horrible as I had feared it to be; Chris is actually kind of nice – yes, I know; I'm surprised too. But he took me to Hogsmeade, bought me a butterbeer, and chatted with me while I drank it. He mostly asked me questions about myself, but I don't think I was able to provide very good answers; I'm not a particularly fascinating person, which he seemed to be having a problem comprehending. I tried to ask him about his own self, but he kept turning it back to me for some unfathomable reason. Eventually, I dropped some of my drink on my skirt, and he helped me clean it up by waving his wand quickly. He smiled at me as I blushed scarlet, and gently tucked some strands of my hair behind my ear. I could feel myself flush even redder at this simple, yet sweet gesture, and I immediately hurried away to get another drink and attempt getting myself back together.

When I came back, Chris was ready to talk about me again – I still can't understand why he cares so much. I answered the questions to the best of my abilities, but I was still kind of glad when he led me out of the shop; the feeling of awkwardness around him had not quite faded off yet.

He and I walked around the village after that, and we examined the window displays. Some things we saw were really obnoxious and gaudy, and I did my really embarrassing choky/snorting laugh when we caught sight of them. I wanted to melt through the ground with humiliation, but Chris smiled and said that my laugh was cute. I didn't quite agree, but I chose not to say anything; it was easier not to.

We went through the whole township in a fair amount of time, and I became much more comfortable around Chris; I laughed more freely, and it was much less painful to give details about various aspects of life. He noticed – he must have, because he started encouraging me to talk more. I did, feeling more affectionate to a boy than I ever had before; why couldn't the other boys be a little more like Chris?

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity of asking me questions about every insignificant thing there was to know about me, we reached back to the Gryffindor common room. "I had lots of fun today, Lily; I'm really pleased that you agreed to come with me today," he said.

"You know, I honestly had some doubts about saying yes, but now I'm really pleased I listened to my gut and came as well," I confessed, giving him a small smile.

Chris's grin widened as I told him this, and he said, "Really? Was it because of that Potter? Did he tell you not to see me or something?"

"Nah," I dismissed. "I can't stand James – I'd never listen to anything he told me. I don't even think he knew about our date."

For some reason, this seemed to gratify Chris. "He has no idea?" he asked.

"No," I said. "None at all, unless you told your friends about it and they told other people. I only had doubts because I've generally had a bad experience with boys in this school, and my survival instincts told me to refuse; James had nothing to do with it."

"Oh," said Chris, sounding quite relieved as he started playing with a lock of my hair. "Well, like I said before, I'm really delighted that you came with me today anyway."

He then came forward and kissed my cheek with warm, smooth lips before giving me a departing wave and leaving. I stood there like a brain-dead idiot, lightly fingering my face where he had touched me, feeling it tingle in a way that was pleasant yet unpleasant at the same time. Did Chris Daniels really fancy me? It seemed like it, and I felt both that thrill of being cared for and the usual fear that some day, he'd break my heart. I'm probably overreacting, but when you think you may like someone and you don't know exactly how they feel about you, thoughts like that do come to mind; you can't stop them, especially if your feelings seem to be mutual.

I can't help but question it though; have I actually got my first boyfriend?


	11. Mixed Emotions and Crazy First Years

_A/N: This is the last entry for November, and unfortunately, James didn't have as much to say this time. :/ But when we hear from Miss Evans and Mr. Potter again, it will be in December, and I can tell you right now that December is an extremely crazy month for both of them. Seriously; Lily's love life implodes come December. Haha, I'm done advertising now. Read this chapter. ;D_

**Lily**

November 21st

Dear Diary,

I had such crazy prefect duties tonight, it wasn't even funny.

People look at first years and think, oh, how innocent these young children are. I thought like that before tonight too; they were so young and adorable – how could they possibly be malevolent demons capable of destroying half of England? Well, allow me to set you straight; the first years at Hogwarts are like sugar-high fireworks, causing a light-show and many shouts (this time of dismay) around them. I swear I wasn't that rowdy when I was that age. They love to run around like maniacs, shout, and flirt with one another – they're so tactless, they'd give Sirius Black a run for his money. Remus and I, the two prefects for Gryffindor, had been given the lovely task of overseeing them during their free period, and I sincerely hope we never have to do it again in the future.

Truly, it was as though all hell broke loose in that first year room today, and I'm not sure if they were eleven-year-olds or just wild piranhas. Remus is so gentle; bless him, so I had to do most of the throwing-first-years-across-the-area exercise myself. While I was attempting to make a little girl stop trying to claw out the eyes of her best friend, a little blonde boy with spiked hair, a turned-up nose, and cold, steely, grey/blue eyes approached me and randomly just kicked me in the shin.

"What the hell? Why did you do that? What's your name?" I cried out, trying to massage my aching shin; the kid had a hard kick. Remus took over the little girls, obviously unwilling to deal with a ruffian like the blonde boy.

"Matt," he informed me insolently. "Go away, bitch; can't you see we're having fun?"

That really got my blood boiling; who was this insufferable little baboon to say something like that to me?!

"Stop," I ordered, hoping I sounded authoritative. "You can't call me names, nor can you attack me. Get your act together and stop making a circus out of this common room."

"Make me," Matt said, sneering.

I raised an eyebrow. "It wouldn't be so good for you if I did."

"Really," he said skeptically. "Somehow I doubt that."

"Well, I'm a prefect, so you had better listen to me," I said.

"Yeah? Well, why should I do that?"

I took a step closer. "It would be in your best interest to do so."

It was his turn to raise an eyebrow at me. "What if I didn't?"

I sighed. "I'll show you, but just remember that you brought it on yourself, and that I'm only ensuring that there is at least a little bit of justice in this world."

There was a sudden flash of light, and at that, the first years crowded around; they were intrigued that an unsightly red-headed prefect was doing magic in their midst when she was probably not allowed to. I smiled wickedly as the light cleared, and Matt was bound was ropes, unable to move a muscle. He looked at me in mute horror and I looked back, my evil smile still in place. I flicked my wand and he flipped upside down; the first years around me applauded me as I levitated Matt to the light fixture on the ceiling and put him there.

"I'll let you down in a few minutes, and when I do, you are going to do every single thing I tell you to do; if not, you're going back to the ceiling," I called to him.

"You're our favorite prefect," a little girl said, giving me a toothy smile. "Matt is really mean."

"I know," I said, grimacing as I looked at Matt again. "Hopefully he won't bother you again after this."

I did let him down in a couple of minutes, but he, of course, did not pay attention to me; he continued to cause mayhem around the common room. I took a quick look at the clock; it told me that the first years needed to be asleep, and they were acting as though they were having a party. Remus gave me a panic look (I had jumped; I had kind of forgotten about Remus) and I signaled for him to help me drag the monsters to their beds. He looked at me as though he knew we were destined to fail, but picked a group of girls in the corner to start coaxing.

Finally though, we got them all to shut up and go to bed like they were supposed to. It took a lot of threatening, endless shouting, a bit of blackmail, and the loss of a few locks of my hair (don't ask), but it was done. Remus looked at me as though I was a sacred angel, and he and I walked out of the first year's room together to get a bit of peace in the common room before bed.

"Lily, how on earth did you manage to do all that by yourself?" he asked me in disbelief. "In the unlikely event that I could do what you did, it would have taken me days."

I giggled. "It wasn't easy, but you learn things when you take baby-sit Muggle kids for most of your summers."

"You baby-sit during the summers?" Remus inquired with interest.

"Yes," I said. "My neighbors all use me nearly every day so that they can have their time while I take care of their children. I don't mind it; it's not as though I have anything better to do."

"Are they as horrible as the first years?" he questioned, eyes twinkling.

"No," I denied, laughing. "Most of them are really young, so I take my homework along with me and do it while making sure they don't cry or wet their diapers or anything."

"You're very good at what you do," he remarked, grinning warmly at me. "I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for you."

I blushed. "Thank you."

There was an uncomfortable sort of silence then as we approached our own dormitories. Since I had nothing better to say, I asked awkwardly, "So…how's your day been?"

"Fine thank you," Remus responded politely.

"Did anything interesting happen?" I asked pointedly as we turned a corner.

"Not really," he said.

"Did…Sirius do anything funny?" I inquired.

"Define funny." He smiled wryly, but his eyes were still on the floor rather than on me.

"Right," I said, laughing. "Well, I have a bunch of O. W. L. practice papers waiting for me upstairs, so I'd better do those."

"You do the practice papers?" he asked curiously.

"Yes," I said. "My friends think I'm insane, but I think they're important."

"So do I!" he exclaimed. "James tells me that I have no life, and Sirius says the same…if he can stop laughing at me, of course."

"That's odd; Kyleigh and Leila do the same to me," I said, smiling slightly at the irony.

"Life is weird that way," Remus commented vaguely. "Peter says I work too hard, but I don't think I work hard enough, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I think so," I said. "Like, you really just want to prove your intelligence and do well, but you can't seem to get your real potential out, no matter how hard you try."

"That's profound, Miss Evans," Remus said, grinning. "But yes, that is how I feel, to some extent."

"You're the first I've seen that shares those views," I realized. "I always thought it was just me."

"Same," he said simply.

"It's nice to know I'm not alone," I said to him warmly, peeking once at his face.

At once, he averted his eyes from me, scampered forward, held the door to the common room open, letting me enter first. I did go in, and I gave him a smile of thanks before walking inside. The moment I entered though, James's eyes were on us, so I embarrassedly ran upstairs before he could comment on the look I was sure he caught me giving Remus. I could hear some conversation going on downstairs, but I had to do my practice papers – besides, I knew that I probably wouldn't have liked what was being said below me anyway. I'm done with my work now, but I'm still a little nervous about Remus. Maybe I'm being a little vain, but I suspect that he likes me a bit more than he used to. There's just something in the way his eyes linger on mine slightly longer than usual, and how he blushes a sweet rosy color when I smile at him. It's quite scary actually – three boys are suspected of liking me in our year right now; Chris, James, and now Remus.

Wait, make that four boys.

Severus Snape has taken to staring at me in class, but when I catch him in the act, he continues to look at me, and his expression never changes. If truth be told, it's beginning to frighten me. Let me say this one more time, so that hopefully I can enforce this to those four boys tomorrow: I am not pretty. I am not smart. I am not out of the ordinary; not by any stretch of the imagination. I am _not_ a good person to fall in love with, because they would be wasting your time on a girl who wasn't worthy of it. Why is it so difficult to grasp this fact? I'd rather be alone and deserve it than be the subject of four crushes and not deserve any of them.

What will I do next? I will now go bury my head in my pillow and cry for an hour or six because I am at a loss to understand the doings and intentions of teenage boys.

**James**

November 21st

Dear Diary,

Today was fairly eventful, I suppose you can say. I just discovered that one of my best friends in the world is in love with the girl of my dreams, but you know; who could care about that?

Okay, I could care. I was so pissed; how could this happen? How could Lily's affections fall to every boy in the whole damn world except for me?

I am fully aware of what she thinks of me; I'm arrogant, I'm egotistical, and I'm annoying – the rest of it is more or less along those lines. I act the same way around her as I do with any other girl I've ever seen, and all those other girls never had a problem with me; so why does she hate it so much? I don't get it; she is one of those rare creatures which I can just, for the life of me, never understand. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I like her so much; I like a sense of mystery in a girl.

Let's start at the beginning of this little discovery of mine, shall we? I had just had a lovely evening; I had just pulled a major prank on Snivelly. It was awesome; I managed to put in some Sleeping Draught in his pumpkin juice at dinner, and when he fell asleep, I took him and hung him from a chandelier in the Gryffindor common room! A huge crowd of Gryffindors gathered around, laughing hysterically at his misfortune, and this time, Remus and Lily were on prefect duty, and were therefore unable to foil my wonderful surprise. We watched fondly as he struggled against his restraints, and eventually, Sirius spoke.

"Hey James, do you think I should ask Kyleigh out some time?" he asked me randomly.

"Yeah," I said. "She's been flirting with you for a few years now, and she's pretty nice-looking."

"I just had to ask you because I've seen you two flirting on the Quidditch field before, and I didn't want to ask her out if you were interested in her," Sirius explained.

"Ah, don't worry about me," I said lazily. "We all know who I like."

With something between a smile and a smirk, Sirius said, "I suppose. But why don't you give her a rest? She doesn't like you back."

"I don't care," I insisted. "I get what I want, and I want her."

He raised his eyebrows and gave me a look that resembled cynical doubt, but I couldn't yell at him for it, because this was when Lily came in.

I couldn't believe my eyes; never, in five years, would I have even thought to foresee Remus falling in love with Lily Evans.

Yes, he likes her. I saw the look he gave her when they walked into the common room tonight. He looked like he was actually in love, and his smile was the most heartfelt I've ever seen him give anyone. And to make matters worse, Lily had on her I-like-him-but-I'm-going-to-play-shy-for-now smile; I've seen her give that look to several boys that she'd had crushes on when they weren't looking her way, and it made my blood boil to see it happen again. Remus is a great person, and a great friend, but he's as boring as a stick sometimes. How can Lily fall in love with _him_ and not _me_?

The only good thing that came out of this crappy evening was that I got to torture Snivelly. But if I hadn't, I probably would have needed to bang my head a few hundred times on my desk. Unfortunately, Remus did make me take Snape down from the chandelier and let him run back to his own common room, but it was worth all the tears of laughter I had shed that evening. I tried to act normally again, but I couldn't; not when I knew about Remus and Lily. I didn't ask him if he liked her though, because I'm not sure yet myself, but I'm nearly positive that there's something going on with those two. I won't ruin it or anything, but I still don't want it to happen.

It's about time I go and bang my head on my desk a few hundred times while no one's watching; why does all of this have to happen?


	12. Quidditch, Chris, and Lots of Unease

_A/N: Yes, yes, of course I won't be satisfied until there's more drama for these poor Marauders. :) So, for this chapter, we introduce Miss Regina Masters, who was mentioned once very briefly in an earlier chapter, and she is pretty head-strong. You'll think I rushed through her part in the chapter. Well, I didn't; she's just like that, and I wanted to let you know. This chapter is more getting-to-know the characters, a little bit more to set up for Lily's insane December, and then starting Chapter 13 onwards, things start to explode! So, enjoy the chapter, and lets see how fast I'll update the next chapter. :D_

**James**

December 5th

Dear Diary,

I had a Quidditch match again today, against Slytherin, making it nearly an obligation to win. Of course, we did, but I was still a little disappointed because I didn't see Lily this time. Everyone knew that Quidditch scared her and she hated watching it, but it was almost a responsibility to watch every match the whole way through. Besides, Kyleigh had been playing; Lily usually went just because of that. I saw Leila, however; Leila was a little hard to miss, since she shouted compliments at me as I played.

I have come to the conclusion recently that Leila is a very strange girl. While I was trying to catch the Quaffle, she yelled that my arms were really 'muscular and lovely.' After I scored a goal, she told me that I was 'the best Chaser she'd ever seen in her life.' When I was simply lingering near the Slytherin rings, waiting for Kyleigh to pass me the ball, she asked me what shampoo I used to keep my hair so 'silky and sexy.' When she said that one, I nearly toppled off my broom; had she no shame? She was in public, and she was telling me these stupid types of things! What had I done to deserve it besides be my usual amazing self?!

Anyway, after the match was over and we won, the Gryffindors were all pretty celebratory; we were closer to the Cup! Gryffindor liked winning the Quidditch Cup, obviously, and we were delighted with our record. Though it's really the Seeker that should get the most credit, I usually get it all, since I score so many goals to keep us ahead, and because I'm more popular than the guy who plays Seeker; I was lifted onto the shoulders of my fans, and carried back to the common room, which was quite enjoyable, I must say.

Once we started up our victory party (our year was known for throwing parties every time something good happened), Regina Masters, a girl I had studied with a few times, sidled up to me. I was drinking pumpkin juice when she smiled broadly and said, "Hey Potter."

"Hey Regina," I said, genuinely surprised. Regina liked to flirt, which was a well-known fact, and I just assumed that I was the one she wanted for the moment. She was that type of person; she was tall, blonde, blue-eyed, sexy, and seemed to be perfect in every way. A lot of the girls in our year called her Queen of the Bitches, but the guys in our year prefer calling her the Queen of Flirting. She's pretty good at both titles, really.

"Congratulations on the match today," she said, her grin still in place.

"Thanks," I said, keeping my voice on-the-surface.

"So…would you like to go out sometime?" she asked, looking right at my eyes and coming much closer to me than I liked.

"Well," I began, but she cut me off.

"We can go to Hogsmeade," she interrupted me. "We could have a butterbeer or something."

"Would you like to stay here at Hogwarts and we can just study or something?" I suggested. I wanted to avoid having a date; this was my year to get Lily away from Remus, Chris, and Snivelly so that she was _mine_, and that would be difficult if I was dating Regina.

"Fine," she said. "But can we go to Hogsmeade another time?"

"Sure, sure," I said, relieved that I had gotten out of her clutches for at least a little bit of borrowed time.

"All right," said Regina, walking off. "See you later then, Potter."

"Bye," I said weakly, going back to my drink. I shook my head in confusion the moment she was safely on the other side of the room though; what? Why had Regina Masters, Queen Flirt, asked _me_ out? I mean, yeah, I'm pretty damn fantastic, but she never took much of an interest in me before. Life was being pretty cruel to me lately.

After a half an hour, our party lost its strength and we sort of wrapped everything up. Sirius had found another conquest – this time, it was Caroline Taylor – and they were sitting on the side, with Sirius's face in her neck and his hands on her waist. Peter was bouncing around the room, "supervising" clean up, and Remus was pacing, looking rather anxious. I could have bet my position on the Quidditch team that he was thinking about Lily, but I didn't ask; I would probably tear him up if he admitted to my face that he had a crush on her. He would only be out of harm's way if he liked her in secret with me just assuming things. That's literally how my life works now – I know things, but whether I do anything about them depends entirely on how much people choose to confirm for me.

I'm feeling so restless by this point that I don't even know what to do; I wrote it all in here, and reading it over again is making my stomach twist painfully. I can't write anymore. I've never been someone to just sit around and do nothing when things happen around me. I'm going to get up and I'm going to be normal again. I'll ignore Remus's lust for Lily Evans, I will laugh at Peter when he screws up tomorrow in class (face it – it's almost guaranteed to happen), and I will tease Sirius about Caroline. I won't let this get to me. I'm sure it's just a phase of hers; Lily has lots of little phases, and she gets over them eventually. Everything will be fine. I know it.

Don't I?

**Lily**

December 5th

Dear Diary,

Chris took me to Madam Puddifoot's little tea shop this afternoon for a bit of coffee during the Quidditch match; because of what happened during the last one, I didn't quite feel like watching. Chris purposely kept things very casual as we ate biscuits and sipped our drinks, and I felt that calming security that I had valued in him before – he was so sweet! He asked me more questions today, but this time, they were more about boys I had liked (or rather, disliked) before.

"So…have you ever had a boyfriend?" he asked me conversationally once I started my first biscuit.

"No," I said. "I normally don't like hanging around with boys. Not until you asked me out."

"You haven't even gone on a date?" he asked incredulously. "Blimey; Muggle boys must be blind, because you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life."

I blushed and bit into my biscuit. "No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are, and the things you say always have me hanging," he said, his eyelashes fluttering flirtatiously. "I always want to hear you say something more, but you don't."

"I never have anything to say that is worth listening to," I said in an undertone.

"Rubbish," he scoffed, his smile widening as he touched my hair.

I blushed a bit more and sipped my coffee, not wanting to say anything else. He threw his head back after a moment, exasperated. "This is what I'm talking about!" he said. "I always wait for you to say something, but you don't!"

"I don't have anything to say," I mumbled.

"Yes, you do, and I want to hear it," demanded Chris. "Say something. Anything."

"Er…I hate James Potter?" I had been thinking about why I never liked guys before I met Chris, and I had remembered that it was the scarring experiences with James that had caused it; the thought just burst out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

Chris burst out laughing. "That was quite random, don't you think?"

"I had been thinking about why I hated guys so much, and James was the reason," I said, shrugging and going beetroot red again.

"I see," he said. "But all guys our age are idiots; forgive him." It might just have been my imagination being weird, but it almost sounded as though Chris didn't want me to forgive James at all, and had only said that to humor me or something.

"It is a harsh world, Chris, and we have no room for idiocy," I said. "We are the future of the world, and we are in training; we have to take things seriously now, or we never will."

"I admit myself quite awed, Lily Evans," he told me. "You _do_ have things to say; you just need someone to listen to them."

"You think so?" Chris was truly different from any boys I had ever known; no one had ever looked at me as intensely as he did.

"Yes, I do," he murmured in a low voice. I bit my lip and felt my ears go red as well; flattering though he was, it was a new experience for me to be in the spotlight this way.

The date went pretty smoothly though – we talked a bit more (to spare me, he let me ask him questions about himself instead) and then walked back to the school. Chris claimed to have some other business to take care of in his dormitory, so he left me in the Entrance Hall; I made my way upstairs by myself, thinking about our date again. On my way though, I bumped into Snape again.

"Hey Lily," he said, smiling at me.

"Hi Severus," I said tiredly; I really didn't want to have to deal with him, but at the same time, I didn't want to be rude to him.

"How are you?" I hated these chatty types of questions the most; they were pretty annoying, and made the asker sound overly eager or overly unsure.

"Fine," I said.

"Your hair looks really pretty today," he said, blushing.

"You said that to me at the Quidditch match," I said without thinking.

"It was true then and it is true now," Snape said with a shrug.

"Thank you," I said tonelessly.

"Well, bye," he said, actually _smiling_ as he walked away. I stared after him; Severus Snape had a reputation for never smiling at anyone unless they were in pain. Well, it kind of fit then, seeing as I was in internal pain, but the gesture still startled me; it was almost _nice _of him.

When I went to the common room and told Kyleigh and Leila about our date, they were beside themselves with happiness for us. At least, Leila was; Kyleigh seemed to be a bit more lukewarm about it.

"Lily, this is a really _good_ thing!" Leila told me elatedly, jumping up and down like a maniac. "You have a boyfriend now!"

"He was supposed to be _my_ boyfriend first," Kyleigh reminded us sourly. "But Lily stole him from me."

"Oh shush, Leigh," Leila said, frowning at her. "You always have a line of boys worshipping the ground you walk on; can't Lily go out with just one of them?"

"I know," Kyleigh grumbled. "It's just that Chris never listened to _me_ – oh no, it was always about _him_. He never gave me advice or anything either; he just nodded and told me that my situation really sucked. Why does _Lily _have to get his caring side?"

"At least you're athletic and pretty," I said. "Guys can actually notice you, and like Leila said, they worship the ground you walk on. That's more than what can be said for me – the geek who works too much."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Kyleigh said. "The one time I went out with him, he only ever asked me about you – are we good friends? Do you have a boyfriend? If he asked you out, would you say yes? I got really pissed and didn't talk to him at all, but that brought on a relentless flow of observations about you! The way you smiled, that shirt you were wearing, how your hair curled in the back; it drove me insane."

"What did you put in his drink, Kyleigh?" I inquired. "There is no way he would think that way about me on his own free will."

Leila then surprised me by smacking me sharply on the arm. "Lily Evans; you need to just stop talking now."

"Care to tell me why?" I asked.

"You always put yourself down, and it's bloody frustrating," she said. "You're a beautiful, sensitive girl who is easy to be around and can provide sociable company. It really pisses me off when you deny it; you know you are."

"Are you after the attention?" Kyleigh demanded all of a sudden. "Are you trying to fish for compliments? I would hope you aren't that low, Lil."

"I am not after attention or compliments!" I flared up at once. Were they joking? I was _never_ that sort of person; I always tried to tell the truth, and the truth was that I am the exact opposite of what Leila was saying. It wasn't my fault if my friends were under a different illusion.

"If you think I want attention, think again," I went on furiously. "I can't stand having the spotlight on me, and I don't deserve Chris Daniels. You both need a bracing and thorough reality check if you think otherwise, all right? And if you don't get one, keep your demented theories to yourselves, because I don't want to hear them."

"Relax, Lils," Kyleigh said in an injured tone after a long, uncomfortable moment. "There was no necessity to fly off the handle like that; we just think that because it's usually how it is when people judge themselves that way."

"Well, I'm not 'other people,'" I pointed out. "I'm just me, Lily Evans, and Lily Evans wants to be left alone now."

After I said this, I stormed upstairs and stayed locked up in here in my dormitory for a couple of hours. I took a long, relaxing shower to soothe my nerves, and then I did my homework. I also caught up on my O. W. L. practice papers, and I got pitiful results; it was really aggravating, and I tried again and again in hopes of getting a better score.

During the time I was working though, Kyleigh and Leila knocked on the door seven times. I told them that I wanted to be alone ach time, and that I'd open the door a little later. I didn't; I finished my work and got you out, diary. I can't describe how much writing helps me; I've never needed a diary more in my life. I just don't know what's wrong with me these days; I'm so moody and crazy – it's not like me.

I think I'll let the girls in now. I shouldn't have gotten so upset, and Kyleigh's guess was perfectly justified, even if I didn't like it; she shouldn't have to feel guilty about stating her opinions. Leila was only trying to help – I shouldn't have snapped at her. I'll go try and make up it up to them now – with any luck, they'll forgive my bratty behavior and we can all try to move on in life once again. Maybe I can even get my act together soon.

That would definitely be nice.


	13. Punishments, Confusion, and Snowballs

_A/N: I don't really know what's wrong with me lately; I can't write properly. My chapters aren't to my satisfaction anymore, but I hope that you are still interested, and that I haven't made far too many typos. :D And I PROMISE that the next chapter will be explosive and that things will happen. :D I know I've said it a few times now, but its true – the next chapter, things will kind of…screw up. So enjoy this chapter; this is the last semi-peaceful entry from either of these two that you'll get until the end. :P_

**Lily**

December 12th

Dear Diary,

Last night, it was snowing insanely hard – it seemed to be a blizzard out there – and tiny Professor Flitwick came inside, shivering, to report about four and a half feet of snow outside this morning. Outdoor classes were cancelled for the day because of that, leaving time for the fifth years to rediscover the joys of acting like they were six-years-old, much to my displeasure.

Several snowball fights were in the works throughout the day, and I'd bet all of my money that more than half of them were lead by James and Sirius. They threw snowballs as though they were Muggle cannons in every direction, hitting numerous innocent bystanders. Once on landed on James's head, he declared war on the thrower, so most snowball-fight-veterans were sopping wet within two minutes.

Kyleigh and Leila eagerly put on their hats, coats, gloves, earmuffs, scarves, and boots to join in the "fun" and they dragged me along with them by force. Personally speaking, I would much prefer sitting by the toasty fire with a book rather than getting buried any day and every day, but I didn't quite have a choice in the matter, like in most situations that involve "a good time," according to my friends. So, with as much disinclination as I could muster, I allowed Kyleigh to suit me up and push me out of the main doors into the snowy world outside.

The gust of icy winter air hit my cheeks brutally the moment I stepped out of the warmth of the castle. I immediately tried turning around and escaping indoors, but Leila and Kyleigh grabbed my arms and hauled me right back outside.

"Lils, come on!" Kyleigh wheedled. "Come throw a snowball; go on – you'll love it and you'll thank me for forcing you to do this."

"No, it's freezing out here," I complained. "I want to go back inside."

"There's James!" Leila squealed, looking much more enthralled than the situation called for, in my opinion.

"Great," I muttered. "Just what I need to brighten my day; an egotistical toad equipped with snowballs."

"He's a _wonderful_ egotistical toad, Lily, get it right," Leila corrected. "He's just so bloody _gorgeous_!"

I looked over James critically to see if I could determine what Leila was seeing. The sight _I_ saw, however, was the very last thing from gorgeous. He was completely drenched with water, and now hung off the ends of his loose strands of hair. His eyes were alight with mischief and animation, his cheeks were rosy, and he was obviously having the time of his life. I looked back at my expectant friends, and to their disappointment, I shook my head.

"I hate him, and he is _not_ gorgeous," I stated.

Kyleigh rolled her eyes at me. "Yeah, yeah. Now let's go!"

She raced off to Sirius and with her Quidditch-honed agility, threw a snowball at him. He tackled her to the ground and pelted her with many large chunks of snow in return. She shrieked shrilly as she began kicking him, and I sighed with disgust. I wanted to share my revulsion with Leila, but Leila was already gone; she was fighting a vicious snow war with James. She was completely distracted, and was no longer looking my way – I decided that it was time to run back inside the castle do something that didn't involve throwing snow. Unfortunately, the moment I stepped to go back, a little ball of slush made contact with the back of my head.

I whipped around to see James, Sirius, Kyleigh, and Leila all laughing hysterically at my misfortune and I glared at them, hating them all; in retaliation, I threw one back at Leila. It hit her shoulder, making her giggle a little bit more but throw yet another at me.

It was war after a couple of minutes; I threw more snowballs than I thought I ever would in my entire life in that hour we fought. I was actually rather astonished at my direction, though; I hit Sirius in the face much more than once, and James looked like he had jumped into a swimming pool with his coat on when I was done with him. It was admittedly a very enjoyable experience, chucking clumps of snow at each of them; there was a certain vindictive pleasure in violence using frozen bits of water.

After an hour or so of braving the bitter winds, all five of us collapsed on the banks of snow, exhausted.

"Wow Lils; I never knew how vicious you could get," Kyleigh commented, impressed.

"I didn't either," I said. "But thank you, if that was supposed to be a compliment."

"Evans, would you like to be on our snowballing team next time we fight?" Sirius offered. "Your aim is right on, and you never hesitate; I think you've got a gift, because that was pretty damn awesome." He held his hand up enthusiastically to high-five me.

"Not even if my other option was to dance naked in front of the whole school," I said coolly, refusing to touch his hand.

Sirius's dark eyes flashed impishly when he heard this. "When will you be doing that then? I'll have to mark it on my calendar, won't I?"

"You pervert!" I shouted, scrambling up furiously and kicking him hard in the shins. "It was a figure of speech, meaning that I would _never_ snowball fight with you!"

"Well why didn't you say that earlier, damn it," he grumbled, massaging his leg. "Women…"

"Sirius, she's right; don't be so perverted," James intervened. "But Lily, it was only an offer; a simple no would have worked just as well."

I got up then, pouting, and stomped off to go inside; I wasn't really in the snowball-ish mood anymore. I ran upstairs to my bathroom and carefully peeled my wet clothes off so that I could dry them with my wand. I changed into my favorite pair of blue jeans and slipped on an old t-shirt I had packed for some reason.

When I was cleaned up, I worked on homework until Kyleigh and Leila came upstairs as well, with their clothes completely soaked through. While they were quite filthy, however, they looked as though they had just had the best treat of their lives. As they shed their own damp clothing, Kyleigh said, "That was really fun, Lils; you should have stuck around a bit longer."

"I could feel my IQ dropping with every second I looked at Sirius," I said, rolling my eyes. "Besides, James was annoying me."

"He wasn't annoying you; he just told you something very simple and true, and you huffed off," Leila said, cocking her head in confusion.

"He was being bloody annoying, and you know it," I snapped, scribbling something down on my parchment.

"You're just biased because you're in love with him against your will," Kyleigh informed me. "You should be glad you have a voice of reason like me in your life."

"Oh yes, because your advice worked _so well_ before," I said, rolling my eyes.

"It did," Kyleigh said. "Because of my fashion expertise, you became the love of Chris's life, which is, of course, a good thing."

"No, it isn't, because now James and Chris _fight_ because of me," I said. I didn't mention that Chris was now just part of a fan-club of mine that just recently came together. I also didn't mention how much all of that creeped me out.

"They've always hated each other; you just became an excuse for them to show it more," Leila assured me. "They would have found another reason to bicker if you hadn't been dragged into it."

"I guess so, but I still don't feel right," I fretted. "I mean, James has made me anxious enough without arguing incessantly with my boyfriend." I felt so odd to hear the words 'my boyfriend' come out of my mouth; I was not at all used to it.

"Oh, so you and Chris are officially together then?" Leila asked with interest.

"I suppose," I said. "I mean, he's taken me out twice and flirts like there's no tomorrow."

"This is great!" Kyleigh cried. "You have your first real boyfriend, Lils!" She hugged me tightly, beaming.

"Not really," I said. "Chris is nice, but I'm worried. I don't think he's the only guy with a crush on me. Certain people have shown me that they like me too, and I don't want this to turn into a mess."

"Gee, overconfident much?" Kyleigh laughed. "No, I get what you mean. Snape? That's nasty! You'd never go out with him, would you? We all know that James is in love with you, and Remus has been acting weird lately too."

"Yeah, I know," I said. "When we have prefect duties, he never looks me right in the eye, and he always talks to the floor. If he doesn't do that, he smiles really sweetly at me, and I don't know what to make of it because I don't know if he looks at other girls that way too."

"You are hot stuff this year, Lily!" Kyleigh said, grinning. "Four guys! Wow!"

"I don't feel like hot stuff," I said honestly. "I feel confused."

"Get over it," Leila advised. "You are in the perfect dilemma right now! Two hot guys, one gross one, and an in-the-middle guy to choose from; what wouldn't I give to be you?"

"Please, go ahead and be me," I said. "I hate being me."

"You are so ungrateful for your fortune," Kyleigh said sorrowfully, shaking her head. "Leila would die for the attention of James Potter, and you waste it."

"James is a git; we've been through this before," I told them. "James is a complete arse, and I will _never_ willingly fall in love."

"I noticed the word willingly in that sentence," Kyleigh said. "I think that you added it in because you're falling in love with him, but to cover it, you said you would never feel that way _willingly_."

"Oh you are absurd," I said scornfully. "I don't love James Bloody Potter, and that's final."

We had this conversation so many times in the past that I was completely sick of it; I picked up my books and walked right out of my dormitory to work in the common room. I tried to work a little, but it didn't work; the room was too loud. I waited by the staircase for Kyleigh and Leila to come and follow me down, and when they came, I slipped back up to the dormitory to work. I just finished all that work, and I'm feeling a bit better for it, but it's the boys in my life that are frightening me right now. I still don't know what to make of them, like I told my friends, and I really hate that. Life wasn't straightforward, which was loathsome because then you never knew exactly what you thought about someone, and your desires always change.

Let me get my current desires straight though:

For James Potter to leave me alone

For Severus Snape to leave me alone

For Chris Daniels to stay the way he is

For Remus Lupin to like me

I just don't know; it feels as though the right guy will never come for me. In the storybooks, the princesses always hold a bouquet and sit quietly to wait for their prince to come. He does, and they live happily ever after. There is never more than one prince; things work out cleanly. Not in my storybook though; I'll be the princess waiting there on her balcony, the lingering feelings for other men scattered around me, but my true prince will never come for me. I'll be alone. That's the way I know my story will end.

**James**

December 12th

Dear Diary,

So maybe the last time I wrote, I was a little depressed. I'd had an off day. Believe it nor not, bad days even come to people as fantastic as me. Haha. But today, I'm back to normal. I had an awesome day this time, and that, of course, is a good thing.

First of all, we had a lot of snow come down on us last night – four and a half feet, according to Flitwick – and we got our outdoor classes cancelled. That was phenomenal news; we had more time to play around in the snow! Peter caught a foul cold recently, and he's afraid of Madam Pomfrey for whatever reason; he hung out in the dormitory today instead of coming with us to snowball fight. I offered to get him some potion from the nurse, but he said that he would be fine after a little while. We asked Remus to come along as well, but he had to do his bloody homework; that's all the guy does nowadays. It's sickening, but whatever; so long as I don't have to do it, I'm okay. Peter and Remus were so stubborn sometimes; I decided to take them on their word and went outside with Sirius to snowball fight.

We were undisputed snow masters out there; we started several wars and won them all. Frank Longbottom was completely waterlogged after he dared to challenge us, and we, of course, did double damage on Snivelly. It was a blast – literally. Ha, bad pun. But in essentials, Sirius and I snowballed the living hell out of anyone who tried to throw even one snowball at us. Lily, Kyleigh, and Leila came out after a little while, and we had a fairly flirty snowball fight with them too.

Last time I wrote, I said that Leila was a very strange girl. This time, I have concluded that Kyleigh follows in those footsteps. She threw Sirius to the ground and flirted outrageously with him, and of course, being Sirius, he flirted back. I couldn't make fun of them as much as I wanted to though, because I was being damned to Leila's poor flirting skills at that time – it wasn't fun at all, let me say that one right out. I played along to humor her (since I'm such a nice guy and all that), but it was torture for me. I wanted to flirt with _Lily_, giggle with _Lily_, and smile at _Lily_, but inevitably, Lily tried to go back into the castle rather than fight with us. Kyleigh saw, and she threw a snowball at Lily's head, and it hit the target.

Lily whipped around when she realized that she'd been hit by one of us, and with an extremely sexy fire in her eyes, she pelted us with snowballs again. To humor her and to make up for bothering her before, I convinced Sirius to let her hit him, and I allowed her to completely douse me in snowball-water. Sirius wasn't too happy about it, but I promised to pay him five Galleons later; that sorted things out quickly for him. I worried a little that what I was doing wasn't right – we were capable of better aim – but when we finished our battle and I saw Lily smile with pride at "hitting" us, I knew that it was worth it. I was in love with her; I had to be good to her, didn't I?

We nearly had a moment of friendliness when we were resting though; Sirius ruined it, unfortunately. Kyleigh had told Lily that she was a good snowball fighter, but Sirius opened his bloody mouth and said something perverted, which made her run inside. I had been livid; Lily had almost been nice to me!

"Sirius, why did you say that?!" I howled. "Lily wasn't mouthing us off until you went and said something bloody stupid!"

"Sorry mate," Sirius said. "But that Evans is way too sensitive; I could have said that her coat made her look fat and she would have run upstairs the same way."

"Why would you tell her she looked fat?" Leila asked. "She would kick your arse."

"It was an example," Sirius said, scowling. "Lily is a wimp."

I slapped Sirius's arm when he said that, and so did Kyleigh and Leila. "You are so rude," Leila snapped. "Don't call Lily a wimp. She whines a lot, sure, but she's not a wimp; she can handle herself."

"She's just in the middle of a screwed-up time," Kyleigh explained. "Four guys like her right now, and she's not sure what to do."

"Four?" I nearly fell back when I heard that. "Who?"

"Well, you, for one," Kyleigh listed. "Then Snape, Chris, and Remus."

"So Remus _does_ like her? And Snivelly does too?" I had to double-check; I had to make them pay a very dear price if Kyleigh said that they loved her.

"Yes, we think so," Leila said, taking over and fluttering her eyelashes at me. "Snape always tries to catch an opportunity to talk to her, and Lily tells us that Remus either smiles at her or talks to the floor. We see those as signs of affection."

"They are," I said through gritted teeth. "That's what he does when he likes someone. This is a bit of a problem. I have to go now; it's been lovely, but I have a bit of business to take care of."

"Bye James," Leila said nearly drunkenly, giggling.

"Erm, bye," I said, scooting away the moment she opened her mouth.

I tore up to my dormitory, changed at light-speed, and began to pace the room, thinking about what to do. Remus had mentioned the other day that we would have a full moon again in a little over a week, so that made perfect timing; I was free to wander the school and get some punishments up for Snivelly for trying to take my girl. I could see it in my mind's eye; I could steal some make-up from a girl somewhere and charm it so that it was permanently stuck for a few days, I could screw up his dormitory with Gryffindor streamers or something, I could let a mass of bugs and insects into his pants during class…the possibilities were endless. The question, however, was which of those punishments I would choose.

Eventually, I decided on collecting bugs and insects starting tomorrow so that I would have a wide selection by the full moon in a week and a half. I probably wouldn't be able to see him suffer, unfortunate though it was, but if he was miserable, I figured that it would be worth it, even if I wasn't there. Everyone around him would see it though, providing entertainment for them, and I could always convince one of them to take photos and give them to me, so it seemed to be a pretty good idea. I even decided to leave an anonymous note – Keep out of my girl's pants and I'll keep bugs out of yours. Yes, that would work. I laughed evilly as I worked out the logistical problems of it in my head; this would be perfect.

There was also the problem of Remus. What could I do about him? He liked Lily, which was not acceptable to me, but at the same time, he was my best friend. Remus is a good person – solid, dependable, and trustworthy – which made it difficult to annihilate him without remorse. I have decided that I am not going to punish him at all; Lily is never going to have a romance with him or anything, so it should be safe. If anything happens, I will, of course, step in and murder Remus, but it probably will be just that – a crush.

As for that horrible Chris Daniels; Chris will find something very damaging to his health coming his way if he goes too far with Lily. I don't think he's asked her out yet, but if he does, then there will be trouble. I don't like him at all anyway; if he tries to put his filthy paws on my girl, then I have even more reason to murder him. It all works, doesn't it? If Chris isn't alive, then Lily will _have_ to be around me out of emotional necessity – she would need a shoulder to cry on, and I would be there and ready. Then she'd discover she liked me, and we'd get married and have kids and be happy together – all because I put arsenic in Chris's food. I lost myself in fantasies for a little while before walking outside again; I was hungry, and a trip to the kitchens would probably quench that.

After the kitchens, I wrote everything in this stupid diary. I don't even know why I write in here. It's just a book; why do I tell it everything? Why do I suddenly feel better after I write in it? It shouldn't be that way. I don't like this bloody diary. I don't want to have to feel like this lifeless book knows me better than my friends do. I'm not going to write in it again. Never. Ever. I'm done.

Good-bye, stupid journal who I talk to like a real person for whatever reason; never again will you make me feel like some sissy who has to write in a diary. I am a man, and men don't write in diaries.

_A/N: Yes, I assure you that James will indeed write again. :D And before you tell me – yes, I meant for James not to know about Chris dating Lily. He will find out later, but I won't tell you how, because it'll ruin my humungous surprise ending. :P But yeah, James plans on putting bugs in Snape's pants in a couple of chapters, so now you have something to look forward to! And don't forget to review; I still want reviews and opinions. :)_


	14. Jealousy, Craziness, and General Chaos

_A/N: All I can say right now is brace yourself; not only is this chapter long, but it's really crazy. Enjoy._

**Lily**

December 17th

Dear Diary,

Lately, I've been feeling kind of guilty that I've been such a spoilsport whenever my friends try to take me out on a fun evening, so I decided that I would go out and do whatever they were doing earlier tonight. I had been so stupid; I had been determined to have a good time and be flexible, but of course, it didn't work like that. I should have expected that whatever could go wrong did during my big night. How can that be, you ask? Well, then allow me to explain the humiliating domino effect of events that displayed themselves today and you will have very little doubt in my ability to screw up by the end.

I brought up my plea with Leila at tea time, very casually, of course. "So, are you guys up for a bit of girls-night-out fun tonight?"

"Actually, Kyleigh, me, and a bunch of other people were going down to that new pub and dance place down in Hogsmeade – the Firehouse," Leila said. "They're known for legendary firewhiskey, and we thought we'd take a look. James arranged it, so I'm sure you could come along as well."

That changed things – I did _not_ want to be with James at this place – but I was unyielding in my goal to enjoy myself. In what I hoped was a light and energetic tone, I chirped, "That's…that sounds lovely; I can't wait to go."

"I'll ask James and Sirius then," said Leila, obviously pleased that I was in a social mood. "You work so hard, Lils; I'm almost positive that they'll let you come too. Besides, James is completely addicted to you; he'd marry you on the spot if you let him."

"Leila, if you are going to use tonight as a matchmaker night, I'm going to be really pissed," I warned. "I am not coming if you want to obsess about Potter and me getting together."

"Sorry, but you two just look so cute together!" she squealed, her eyes brightening as she spoke. "And you have no idea how much he loves you."

"And how would _you_ know all of this?" I asked, frowning.

"During the weekends and study hall periods when we hang out, you're all he talks about," she said. "I wish you'd give him a chance."

"I am _really_ sick of people saying that," I said irately. "We are both _human beings_, not little dolls you can couple at your own leisure. I hate how all of you think you know how everything will work out between us when you _don't_ actually know a thing! _I_ don't know how I feel yet – how can you say that _you_ do?"

"Sometimes other see you more clearly than you see yourself," she told me wisely. "But your intent was clear; you're right, but we can fantasize, can't we?"

"Honestly, I wish you couldn't sometimes, but I suppose…" I said doubtfully. "Stay out of my business."

"Yeah, yeah," Leila dismissed. "Now c'mon; we have to get you ready for tonight!"

"Wait, what do you mean?" I asked, bewildered; no one said that I had to get ready. I wouldn't have agreed to go if I had been told about that part of the plan.

Leila only smiled mischievously before dragging me off to her bathroom, where she spent two hours of my life getting me 'ready.' First, she made me try a seemingly endless supply of revealing dresses until she picked a turquoise one that considerably challenged my diaphragm.

"Leila, you know that this did not work out on Halloween, or at your stupid pool party," I said, gasping for breath once Leila had stuffed me into the dress.

"On both occasions, James and Chris looked about ready drop dead on the spot, which is what we want," she said patiently, fixing my shoulder straps. "We want to torment them by making you look as hot as we possibly can."

"No!" I wailed. "I don't want another episode like Halloween! Is Chris going to be coming?"

"Of course not," Leila said as though I was crazy. "James hates Chris; you would have to invite Chris to the party scene over James's dead, hacked-up body."

"Okay," I said, slightly reassured. "But there's no need for this bloody tight dress! Ouch! Damn it, it's cutting me!"

"It's not supposed to do that," Leila said, looking at my waist suspiciously.

"I'm too fat to wear this," I cried out. "Get me out of this, Leila."

"No, no, it looks good though," she said, looking me over. "And this is a pretty big night, Lily – we have to doll you up the best we can."

"No," I moaned. "This can't be good."

"Holy shit, Lily!" Kyleigh yelped, suddenly entering the bathroom and making Leila and me jump. "When we did you up at Halloween, you were presentable; what happened?"

"What do you mean?" I glanced at myself every morning in the mirror and knew I was ugly, but I didn't understand which specific not-presentable part Kyleigh was referring to.

"I mean that on Halloween, you were a model dressed as a normal schoolgirl," she explained. "Now you're a model who forgot to take care of herself and is still dressed as a normal schoolgirl."

I gave her another bewildered look, and she began to take out her make-up and beautifying supplies. "Lils, your eyebrows don't match, your hair is a tangled mess, you are in desperate need of lip gloss, and your nails are enough to make me faint," Kyleigh said matter-of-factly. "It's all this studying you do though; you need to spend more time taking care of yourself, and then study."

"I do too take care of myself," I said with a pout. "I brush my hair every morning."

"Obviously not," said Leila, her nose wrinkling as it always did when she was disgusted. "It's _alive _or something."

After they tried fruitlessly to tame my hair, I was put into a chair and had to play victim to Kyleigh's make-up and hair products. For what felt like years, my eyebrows were pinched, my eyes were coated with eyeliner, and my hair was mercilessly straightened and styled. I was put through about twelve combinations of lipstick by Leila until "just the right mixture" was achieved, and I had many unidentifiable powders rubbed across my cheeks. The worst part was not the eyelash curling (I swear, the told used for it is a lethal weapon), but it was the fact that Leila refused to let me look in the mirror until she was done. I did complain about this – several times – but she insisted that I would love it.

"You have no idea how gorgeous you're looking right now," Leila said contentedly as she smoothed out my hair. "James is going to _love_ this."

"So you're putting me through this hell for _him_?!" I asked, outraged.

"Well, of course," Kyleigh said easily, touching up my lipstick once more. "But every boy is going to drop whatever he's holding when you walk into the room. If they don't, they're blind."

"I'm really that ugly?" I fretted.

"Of course not, stupid," Leila said. "You're looking great; you're going to have a full calendar for the rest of the year after tonight."

"Will I?" I challenged.

"Yeah; here, look." Leila spun my chair to face the mirror at last and I gaped at the stranger looking back at me. She was…beautiful; there was no other word to describe it. Her hair was curled and set to perfection, her face was glowing under the make-up, and the dress complimented the shape of her body. I looked at myself in wonder – was this _really_ me?

"I told you that we would get you ready," Leila said proudly, admiring the job she and Kyleigh had done on me. "Now just don't distract James _too_ much – I bought a special dress for tonight that I want him to notice."

"He's all yours," I said. "I want nothing to do with him."

"Oh hush; you know you love him," Leila told me as she began to take out her own outfit.

"Yeah, yeah; whatever." I kept turning myself around to get different angles in the mirror; how could this stunning creature possible be _me_, Lily Evans? I just wasn't possible.

"Sorry Lils, but I'll need you to get lost for a bit so Kyleigh and I can change," Leila said, gesturing to her dress and make-up. "Go to the common room, find the boys, and wait for us, will you? When Kyleigh comes down, then they're all going to take you down to the Firehouse."

"What about you?" I asked.

"I want to come late – I can make more of an entrance that way," she clarified.

I was taken off guard; this was not the shy, conservative Leila that I had befriended first year. "Leila, you _hate_ being the center of attention," I pointed out.

"Usually I don't like it," she agreed. "But I really want James to notice me tonight, and for his attention, I'm willing to make a few sacrifices."

I shook my head forlornly. "I don't know you anymore, and it's all bloody James Potter's fault."

"Don't blame him," Leila said. "It's not him, it's me; I'm just not good enough for him, but I'm dumb enough to keep trying anyway – I'm sorry."

"Well, I'm going to have some fun tonight, with or without James, so I think I'm going to start now," I declared exiting the dormitory. "I'll see you in a little while then."

Leila waved at my departure, but turned her attention back to her make-up almost at once. I smirked to myself, but continued to descend down the stairs to reach the common room. Like Leila had promised, the boys that were going to the Firehouse were all lounging around casually, waiting for me and my friends. Sirius was the first to catch sight of me, and his jaw dropped the moment my image registered in his head.

"Is that _you_, Lily Evans?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes," I confirmed shyly. "And I take your look of nearly insulting surprise as a praise to Leila's cosmetology skills then?"

"Damn Evans," he said, looking me up and down. "You were cute to begin with, but now…remind me to thank Leila later for turning you into a babe."

At these words, all the pairs of eyes that had not already been turned to me sought me out, and I was suddenly the center of attention – I couldn't help but think about Leila. James's mouth was open perhaps even longer than Sirius's, but to my astonishment, he said nothing. It was only then that I realized that there was an unexpected guest on the plan – Regina Masters was with us, pretty much latched to James's said.

Regina is one of those tall, blonde, model-built girls who made every girl around her feel thoroughly second rate. She used this silent ability as she surveyed me with cold interest. Her icy cerulean eyes locked into mine, and they told me very obviously that I was worthless vermin that should stay far away from James. She turned away once she was sure I had gotten the message, but just in case there was any confusion left, she began kissing James in front of all of us.

"Please Gina, none of that," Sirius objected, shielding his eyes. "We don't want to have to watch the two of you play tonsil hockey, thanks."

"Then look at something else," Regina retorted, pausing briefly to snap at Sirius. "We're in the middle of something."

"No, we're not," James said, gently pushing Regina away from him. "Now, how about we go to the Firehouse?"

"I'm up for it," Regain said. "Potter, you and I will dominate the dance floor."

Maybe I was just imagining it, but James seemed almost unhappy as he said, "Sure; let's get going."

The walk there wasn't too bad; Kyleigh joined us at the very last second, but ignored me to flirt with Sirius. Unfortunately for her though, Sirius paid _her_ no attention; he kept checking up on James and Regina, and after doing that about six times, walked up to me and began to talk to me. Kyleigh, seeing this, looked aggravated and flounced off to the front of the group; she didn't want to be near us, and I knew she wouldn't look in on or listen to us on the way.

"So Lils," he said. "Are you looking forward to going to the Firehouse?"

"I've told you a hundred times not to call me Lils, Sirius," I said irritably. "My name is four letters – get it right."

"You look…really divine tonight," Sirius complimented me formally, disregarding what I had just said.

"Flattered though I am, I can't help but question the eloquence of that remark," I said. "Who knew you had the ability to flatter me that way?"

"You know I'm unmatchable in my intelligence when I want to be," he said flirtatiously, batting his eyelashes. "Would you care for a drink and a dance when we get there?"

I glanced at James and Regina myself; they were looking ready to kiss again, and the sudden, impulsive urge to be wild filled me. "Yes, I'd like that," I said, smiling a hollow, pretty little smile. Then, when I knew that James would be watching, I gave into my cruel whim and kissed Sirius hard on his lips, stopping his walk as I pressed myself nearer to him. He immediately kissed me back – why wouldn't he? – and I counted to thirty before pulling away. I discovered at that moment that I liked kissing Sirius; there was a certain quality in him that I liked, and I knew why girls agreed to go to bed with him nearly every night. He grinned down at me, the pleasure in his midnight eyes obvious.

"My word, Lily Evans; such a good kisser you are," he commented. "I'm still dizzy."

I made my smile pretty and hollow again. "I suppose I should say thank you, but I'll wait until we get to the Firehouse." What I was saying truly did sicken me, but I had to set him up so that I could punish James even more soundly for bothering me all the time. Besides, I may as well get the most out of the situation; I _had_ liked kissing Sirius after all.

We got to the Firehouse after a few more minutes, and I noticed that James was rather subdued; that was good – it meant that I was doing my job right. I smirked to myself, inspired by my success, as Regina dragged James out to start dancing. I let Sirius order me a butterbeer and I sipped it slowly, letting the pride of a job well done fill me in accompaniment to the drink. After I was finished, Sirius and I went to dance together. I had no idea how long we were out there, but it was an exhilarating experience. I had never given him any credit for it before, but Sirius was actually very amusing – he made me laugh quite a bit that night.

After an immeasurable amount of time, a slow song ended; I think it was the third we'd danced to. Sirius held me close and I breathed in the mysterious, rich, distinguished sort of scent that came off of his clothes.

"I liked being here with you tonight, Lils," he said softly.

"Don't call me that," I reminded him. "I don't care how long you dance with me; you can't call me that."

"Am I still allowed to kiss you?" he asked. "That first time was exquisite; I want to do it again."

"Well, since you used such a big word, I suppose you can," I teased. Inwardly, I marveled at how painless it was to make fun of Sirius; it wasn't awkward like I thought it would be. He smiled anyway, making my heart flutter in my chest – and put his lips on mine.

Last time, I had done it to make James upset, but this time, I did it because I wanted it; that meant that I could draw it out and enjoy it. I put my arms around his neck, and his arms were draped around my waist, and we stood there, lost in each other. That is, until I heard a screech of horror and pure fury behind me. I stopped kissing him and turned around to see Kyleigh standing there, seething. I could have shot myself; I had completely forgotten that she fancied him, and that she was there at the Firehouse.

"Kyles, I can explain," I began hastily.

"No!" she hollered, making everyone in the room quiet down and stare at us. "There's nothing to explain, Lily; I see it all very clearly. You kissed Sirius, knowing that I've liked him for ages."

"Kyleigh –"

"No!" she repeated, growing more furious by the second, if it was possible. "Don't even try defending yourself. I don't want to hear it. If you told me before that you liked him, then I wouldn't have cared, but no – you chose to stab me in the back instead. You probably wouldn't have told me about this either, if I hadn't found out. But you know what _really_ bugs me, what's _really_ getting to me up the wall right now?"

"What?" I whispered, afraid of the answer though I didn't have the foggiest idea what it might be.

"That you're a goddamn hypocrite!" she bellowed, completely losing it. "You tell me how you think you're ugly, stupid, boring, and whatever else to gain my sympathy and you use all your charms to take _my_ crush. Then you will _still _have the audacity to tell me that you're ugly, stupid, and boring, even though you're fully aware that you are the exact opposite of all those things!" If you had just told me, yeah, I love myself, I think I'm better than you, and I want to steal Sirius, then though I would have kicked your arse, I would have respected that you told the truth. But you can't do that, can you? No; you like being underhand and feeling sly so that you can add that to your list of talents."

I was frozen with shock; how could Kyleigh, my best friend, tell me something like that? I deserved it, but I still couldn't believe it was coming out of her mouth. But, to my astonishment, she still wasn't done yet.

"And even then, taking my feelings and shattering them isn't enough for you," she continued in the same spiteful, loud voice. "You have to go and break James's heart as well. He's liked you for ages, and you've known that one too. Of course, I could never ask you to respect his feelings because they're too insignificant to your greatness, but you could have at least stayed away from his best friend, who he's probably mad at now because of you. You are such a whore, Lil, and you know what I say to that? I say to hell with you – go jump in a ditch and die there for all I care."

The room was dead silent after the last, pitiless word came out of Kyleigh's mouth. She couldn't even bear to look at me – she stormed out of the building without another glance back. Leila stepped forward at that moment, surprising me; I hadn't seen her make her big entrance. But she was there too, and she was looking at me with the most detached disappointment I'd ever seen her with.

"That was really low of you, Lily," she said. "After all we did for you – tonight and otherwise – it's pretty sad how you decided to repay us. I'm taking Kyleigh's side on this one." Then she left too, leaving me there with Sirius. But even Sirius edged away uncomfortably, and with a small gesture on his part, everyone from Hogwarts walked down, keeping their heads bent down so that they couldn't see me. The tears welled up in my eyes as I ran out as well.

Blindly, I rushed back to the castle and to my bathroom; I began washing away the make-up as fast as I could, hating it to pieces. I pulled out all the hairpins Leila had laboriously put on just hours before, and I nearly ripped the dress in my haste to remove it. I pulled on some night clothes and tossed the dress into a corner of my trunk – I would deal with it another day. I fell on my bed and cried into my pillow for what felt like days. Kyleigh's hate-filled words kept replaying in my head, tearing me up inside, and I cried even harder. I hugged my pillow and blanket tightly as I continued to cry, wanting nothing more than for this nightmare to end. How had it all gone so wrong? I hadn't wanted to ruin my life in one night. I did want to die at that moment though – to just die in my sleep and not have to worry about any of this anymore. That would be nice – they don't make you take O. W. L.'s in hell either.

I've finished crying and thinking about suicide as I write this now, but Kyleigh's words really hurt me tonight. She had called me a hypocrite and had told me to do some very unpleasant things, but one reference in particular made my heart stand still for a moment, however – it was when she mentioned my hurting James. Why was she suddenly on his side? When did she even _care_ what he thought of me? She and Leila had made it a hobby to tell me we were a cute couple, sure, but after that, she didn't care much about James. I think she just wanted another thing to throw at me, but that doesn't stop it from bothering me.

Right now though, I'm just really exhausted and I don't want to have to think about this – I want to sleep, and I'll tell the next tale of woe and misery at lunch tomorrow.

**James**

December 17th

Dear Diary,

I know that I said I would never write in this thing again, but this time, it's an emergency. I can't really talk to anyone around me right now, because of what happened. No one would really understand how I'm feeling, and I just need to get this all out. I suppose Remus was right; you, a stupid diary, have become more of a friend to me than the other people in Gryffindor Tower. More cursing about that later though; right now, I have to start off by saying a truth that I have learned this evening:

The Firehouse is a cursed place.

A bunch of my friends, including Kyleigh and Leila, had made a plan to head out there tonight for a bit of Saturday night fun. Actually, Sirius came up with it because he found out about the Firehouse, which is a new place, first; he told us and I spread it around. Kyleigh hangs around us all the time and Leila was one of her best friends – we were kind of obligated to ask them along.

"Do we have to ask Leila?" Sirius grumbled when I pointed this out to him. "I was going to ask Kyleigh anyway, but do we have to keep Leila too? She's weird."

"She is very weird, but she's Kyleigh's best friend," I reasoned. "Besides, if we invite both of those too, maybe they'll drag Lily along."

"I should have known you only wanted both of them along so that you could have Lily," Sirius said with a chuckle. "Give it up, mate. She doesn't like you. You annoy her, and she's a bitch back to you."

"She isn't a bitch," I said indignantly. "Lily Evans is perfect in every way; I just don't deserve her. She's so confident, charming, clever, and down-to-earth; I'm none of those. Well, I am confident, charming, and clever, but I wouldn't say I'm too down-to-earth."

Sirius laughed. "Lily Evans? Perfect? No way. She just acts it in class; otherwise, she's been toying with three guys in our year – you, Chris, and Snivelly."

"Four," I said gloomily. "Moony likes her too, and she's always sort of fancied him."

Sirius looked at me blankly for a moment, and then burst into hysterical laughter again. "Moony? Evans? No; Lily would never fall in love with Remus. Remus knows better than to fall in love with her."

"Well, they do spend an awful lot of time together for prefect duties," I told him. "Lily is very easy to fall in love with, and it's bound to happen."

"But _Remus_?" Sirius asked incredulously. "I mean, okay, so maybe him falling in love with her is predictable. But her falling in love with _him_? No!"

"Remus is the nicest out of us four," I reminded him. "Lily has always said that, and she's made it clear that she has always valued that in a guy."

"No, they can't be in love," Sirius said, shaking his head. "There's just no way on earth it's going to happen."

"You never know," I said. "But I hope not either."

"You've got a ton of competition now, don't you?" Sirius teased, grinning. "Lily's in love with two guys, apparently, and there are four in total that are in love with her."

"We'll worry about that later," I said hastily, not wanting to talk about it. "Shall we ask people to go with us to the Firehouse then?"

"Sure." Sirius got off the topic immediately and began to chatter about who he planned on inviting. I tuned that part out though, because I had Lily on the brain again. Actually, a painful wave of longing for her hit the pit of my stomach and seemed to fracture it, and I was astonished by the intensity of the feeling; I loved Lily more than any other stupid boy ever could, and the fact that she loved them over me made me want to curl up and cry, which was something I had not done since the age of four.

Later that afternoon, after tea, Leila told me that Lily wanted to come with us too, just like I had hoped. She said that Lily had been working way too hard lately, and wanted to have a bit of a break; could she join the group? I said yes heartily; Regina had been hinting heavily that she wanted to go with me as a date when I told her about the plan, and if Lily went, she could save me, and I could be with the girl I loved. Leila beamed, thanked me, and bounced off. I wanted to bounce off as well, snog Lily, and then bounce with her around the school, but of course, I couldn't do that; instead, I bounced off by myself to my dormitory to convince Peter to go to Madam Pomfrey. His cold was still there, and he could hardly talk without sneezing; it was really gross, and I wanted to relieve him of the pain, but he insisted that he would be fine. I shrugged, and went to find Sirius and Remus; Sirius and I still had to finish an essay for Charms, and Remus was the only one that would be able to help us finish it before we were supposed to go.

Leila and I had arranged that when Lily and Kyleigh came downstairs to the common room that night, we were to leave and she'd catch up later. I waited there on the sofa, like I was supposed to, with Regina next to me, nagging relentlessly.

"James, I don't want to wait for Lily and Kyleigh," she said. "They should join us later at the Firehouse. I want to go and have some fun."

"They're coming, Regina," I assured her. "Just wait a few more minutes."

"They're not punctual, like you and me," said Regina, coming closer to me and moving her fingers up my thighs. "We should go ahead and have our own little party. What do you say?"

"I say that I'm still a proud virgin," I muttered, lifting her hand and placing it back on her own lap.

Regina giggled. "You're so funny, Potter. You're a great boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" I had to have misheard her; I didn't want a girlfriend unless her name was Lily Evans.

"Yes," she said, smiling. "You're my boyfriend, aren't you?" She was talking politely and her voice was light, but there was just something in it that frightened me, something that made me say yes automatically.

Before Regina could flash her startlingly white teeth and say something else, however, I heard Sirius say, "Damn Evans; you were cute to begin with, but now…remind me to thank Leila later for turning you into a babe." This made me turn around at once and I saw Lily standing there, smiling timidly at Sirius.

I couldn't say anything. She was looking absolutely and unfairly sexy, and Sirius was trying to flirt with her! I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked, and how much I wanted her to hang around with me, but I couldn't; Regina was scrutinizing every inch of her, obviously trying to see if she was worth talking to, but for whatever reason, Lily was rather uncomfortable under her gaze. Regina kissed me then, and it was the worst kiss I had ever shared with another girl; I wasn't ready for it, nor did I want it. She tried to do it again, but I stopped her, and we were finally on our way to Hogsmeade.

I tried edging towards Lily to walk with her, but Regina wouldn't have that; she pulled me back to her and began to talk to me.

"James, this is no way to treat your girlfriend," she said. "You can not associate with that Evans girl again."

"What?" She had to be joking; no one could keep me away from Lily – surely she knew that.

"You heard me," said Regina. "Stay away from her. Don't flirt with her. Don't talk to her unless you must."

"Regina, everyone knows that I've liked Lily since I was in first year," I said. "You can't make me stay away from her."

"Well, you're going to have to," Regina said with a sigh. "You are going out with me now, and if you go out with me, Lily Evans cannot be in the way."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I can't go out with you if you try to keep me away from Lily."

"I'm afraid that's not how things work with me, James," Regina said, her voice friendly, yet dangerous. "You see, if I have decided that you are going to be my boyfriend, you will be. You listen to me, and you do not make a fuss. That means that Lily is off-limits to you now. But, now that I really think about it, she has always made herself off-limits to you; this shouldn't be too hard to go through with."

"No Regina," I repeated. "I will do what I want, and you can't do anything about it. I'm sorry."

"Oh, if you mean that, then you will be very sorry," Regina said sweetly. "So let's just assume that you've agreed with me and are not going to talk to Lily again. All right? And you are one hell of a kisser; do it again."

She leaned towards me, her over-glossed mouth inches from mine, but at the very last second, I turned my face away and picked up my pace a little bit. Regina caught up to me, but didn't speak or try to kiss me again; she was sulking, trying for my pity, but I knew that she didn't have it then and she never would have it.

I glanced over at Lily one last time though, even though Regina didn't want me to, and I couldn't believe my eyes; Lily was bloody kissing Sirius! My stomach just about fell out of my systems when I saw it, and I felt sick; my best friend, betraying me when he thought I wasn't watching – it couldn't be happening. I tried my very best to dismiss it from my mind, but it wasn't easy; it had always been a fantasy for Lily to kiss me like that, and she was doing it to my best friend, who believed in kissing pretty much every girl with a mouth.

Once at the Firehouse, though I was feeling horrible, I was apparently forgiven in Regina's book, and Regina danced with me for several songs. I hated every second of it; I wanted to dance with _Lily_. I hadn't even seen her since I reached the place; I wanted to see her, buy her a drink, and then dance with her. I wanted to spend every second with her, feel her weight in my arms, and kiss her until the end of all time. Of course though, fate had to be a bitch and keep Lily away from me while giving me Regina. I didn't want bloody Regina, and she, unfortunately, didn't want to see that.

Some time in the middle of my misery, Leila interrupted our dance. Eagerly, I left Regina and said, "Hey! What took so long?"

"You missed me?" Leila asked me, batting her eyelashes in a fair imitation of Sirius.

"No," I said at once. Then, realizing that I sounded rude, I said, "Erm, yes, but no. Just…where is Lily?"

"I don't know," said Leila. "I only just got here. Do you want to dance?"

"No, he doesn't," Regina answered for me, somehow appearing by my side and gripping my arm. "He's here with _me_, Patterson. Back off."

"Fine, Master Bitch," Leila said, glaring at her, but walking off all the same. "I'll see you later, James."

I was then dragged off by my wrist to dance with Regina again. Hooray. At that point in the evening, I'd had enough of her; I would even take Leila over Regina, which was saying something, since I was a bit scared of Leila.

Regina went on dancing with me after Leila left, unperturbed, until we heard everything go silent around us. I could hear only one voice, and it was very angry; I recognized it to be Kyleigh's. She was shouting at the top of her lungs like a madwoman, glaring at Sirius and Lily. Lily was looking thunderstruck, and Sirius looked mightily embarrassed – they had to have been caught kissing. Now I had even more reason to murder Sirius, but Kyleigh was more pissed at Lily, and not at him.

It was truly dreadful; Kyleigh shouted about how Lily was a hypocrite and a whore (among other things) for everyone to hear. She said that Lily tried to gain sympathy from her friends so that she could feel better about herself, and that she was breaking my heart by kissing my best friend. While that was true, it was only upsetting her more; I could keep my despair on a low profile if it made Lily feel better, but I knew that Kyleigh didn't operate that way. She reduced her best friend to absolutely nothing before walking out, and Sirius got all of us to follow her out; was there any point in staying after such an episode?

I would have expected Leila to take Lily's side and try to help her out – Lily had been a mess – but I was surprised; Leila snapped at her too, and I could only guess how many lakes Lily cried when she got back to her dormitory. I did feel awfully sorry for her, but at the same time, I could see where Kyleigh was coming from, judging from what I heard from the lecture. I didn't see Lily again, but I knew that no matter how correct Kyleigh was, I would still comfort Lily, because seeing her cry was too much to bear, in my opinion.

As I went to the dormitory, I did see Kyleigh and Leila; Leila was escorting a sobbing Kyleigh to Gryffindor Tower, and seeing tough-as-nails Kyleigh cry made me feel sorry for her too – this girl was unrecognizable to the preening, bouncy girl on my Quidditch team. I decided to talk to her, even though it probably wasn't smart, considering what side I was taking.

"I'm really sorry about tonight," I offered gently. "I'm going to have a word with Sirius about it tomorrow." I didn't mention that this word would have absolutely nothing to do with her, however.

She sniffed. "That's really kind of you, but it's Lily that I need to be upset with. Sirius didn't really know I liked him, but I had told Lily about it many times."

"Being the bearer of bad news is definitely not a hobby of mine, but I must tell you that Sirius did know," I said. "He told me that he liked you, but was just waiting to tell you later."

"Did he say anything about liking Lily before?" she asked.

"No," I admitted. "I think it was a spur of the moment thing; you know Sirius – Lily was looking beautiful tonight, and he couldn't have been able to resist flirting with her. I know that I was really surprised by how well she can clean herself up."

"Don't be thick, James," Leila said impatiently. "Kyleigh and I did her up tonight, not her. And I am aware that we did a good job; that's part of the reason tonight went all screwy."

"No, the reason is that my best friend is a back-stabbing bitch," Kyleigh growled.

"Don't call her that," I said reproachfully. "She probably feels bad enough as it is. We know Lily; she isn't that type of person. She just made a mistake, that's all. We all do."

"Oh, she made an enormous mistake," Leila said. "We know that. It's just that the mistake was avoidable, but Lily went ahead anyway."

"Every mistake is avoidable, Leila, but all of us still make them anyway," I pointed out.

"Just because you love her, that doesn't mean that she's cleared, James," Kyleigh said. "And besides, I saw the way she smiled at him at that place; Sirius stole your girl."

"I told you that I would have a word with him," I said. "But don't be angry with Lily; she isn't as guilty as she seems to be."

"She's the guiltiest," Kyleigh said at once. "I hate her; I'm never speaking her again."

"I wish that you would forgive her," I said. "She's a good person; she's just prone to being in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"_She_ kissed Sirius, not the other way around," Kyleigh reminded me. "She never liked you to begin with, and now she likes Sirius. Sounds pretty bitchy, wouldn't you say? Reject one, crush on his best friend."

That fist hit what was left of my stomach again, full force, as the truth of this statement began to process in my head. I cleared my throat, trying to find my voice again.

"I'm off to bed," I declared hoarsely. "I-I had fun tonight."

With that, I rushed off to my dormitory and into my dormitory and into my bed, where I am now. It has been years since I have cried, but I could feel those unused tears begin to come within my reach. Kyleigh was right; Lily never liked me, and now she's in love with two of my best friends. The way I feel about it isn't translatable in words, unfortunately, so I can't really say how it's affecting me, but know that it is; it's hurting much more than anything else would.

It seems that the only thing I can do now is try to get over Lily Evans, however impossible it may seem. I know that I have chosen Lily out of all of the Hogwarts girls, but I also know that she has not chosen me – what am I supposed to feel towards her after that?

_A/N: You know this drill; put your shocked feelings into a review so that I can update faster. :D_


	15. Aftermath

_A/N: This is a cool-off chapter, in essentials; it's pretty light (in James's case) and gives me a moment to catch my breath. It also gives you a chance to go back to the fun sarcasm and the signature perviness from Sirius that you love reading, so I hope you enjoy it! Lily and James are going to start fighting again in the next chapter, as they usually do; hold tight and let me post that soon too!_

**Lily**

December 18th

Dear Diary,

As I predicted, today was one of the worst days of my life.

Everyone at Hogwarts seemed to have heard about what went on at the Firehouse yesterday night, and rumors were thick in the air, spreading like wildfire across the school. Even though it is Sunday today and I didn't have classes, an extraordinary number of people came to find me and laugh at me. Several called me a whore, but a few asked what it was like to kiss Sirius. I didn't respond to any of them; I just concentrated on keeping my tears out of sight, keeping my head down, and getting through the day. These tactics served me fairly well, but the fifth years just made fun of me or didn't talk to me period. They asked me ridiculous questions about what Kyleigh said, and when I answered them honestly, they walked away giggling. I hate them all, but I can't say anything; I can't find any courage or motivation. They can spread whatever the hell they want; it won't change me. Or, at least, I hope it won't.

Sirius is not like that at all; Sirius hexed anyone who said anything about him, and it was effective. Unfortunately, however, that meant that they had more time to torment me instead – you can just imagine how that thrilled me. I wanted to ask him to tell everyone to lay off on me too, but I was afraid to; now that the magic of the night was over, he probably thought I was a slut too. I wasn't though – Sirius had _wanted_ to kiss me, so he had. I didn't want the events at the Firehouse to go the way they did, but what can I do now? Sit still and stand the damage, I suppose. I've never been one to go after what I want, no matter how much I want it, so that's always been my only option.

I took it easy today though. I wore my favorite pajama pants with a tight tank top, tied my hair up in a messy knot, and didn't take my slippers off for anything. I ate nothing so that I wouldn't have to go to the Great Hall, and I mostly hid in bed. I hid from Kyleigh mostly, but it wasn't really necessary, because Kyleigh stayed as far away from me as I stayed from the world. Leila was distant as well, and so were James and Sirius. Peter hasn't been seen in ages either; I don't know what's wrong with him. Remus has to have heard of the Firehouse incident as well, because his two best friends were involved, and he has steered clear of me in addition to everyone else. Chris hasn't spoken to me either; he wouldn't want to associate with a girl like me, I'm sure. My throat is really dry right now, and I am constantly close to tears. My situation sucks, and for the putting me in it, I hate myself along with everyone else. I want to be anyone besides me right now; I've never liked being me, and now it's almost unbearable.

Kyleigh has maintained her stony silence well, even if that's not a very positive thing for me. She turns away from me in the corridors and in the Great Hall, when I went that sole time in the day. She's showing me plainly that she wants nothing more to do with me, and I suppose I deserved it; I had done something terrible after all. I keep my distance from her, and don't even try for reconciliation; that would be stupid, considering how stubborn Kyleigh is. If she wants to forgive me, she can, but I'm not going to beg for it. I still have _that _much dignity left in me, even if it's not much.

Leila isn't outright nasty like Kyleigh is, but she too made it clear that she didn't approve of what I had done. She averts her eyes when I walk by, and only speaks to me when it's absolutely necessary. I keep to myself, preferring to stay meek and not speak to anyone at all. In class tomorrow, I expect that I'll just keep my head down like I have been, take extra notes, and not raise my hand; that's what I've always done when I've wanted to be invisible, and that tactic may save me.

I know it sounds over-dramatic and unnecessary, but I want to know; does anyone still care about me? Does anyone still want to be near me? Is there anyone who will hold my hand and get me through this? I just want someone to be on my side, to still believe in me, really. I probably sound clingy and damsel-like, as though I can't be strong and stand on my own two feet, but I can't help it; I don't have any best friends anymore, nor do I have anyone else I can count on. It's more than my life's worth to talk to Snivelly about something like this, and same goes for James. Sirius was one kiss, nothing else; he wasn't someone I truly trusted. My first choice would have been Remus, but what could I say to him? It would be too awkward. No, I just had to keep this to myself. Somehow.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Not at all, even though I tried to. Instead, I snuck out of my dormitory and went to the Astronomy Tower, the highest tower at Hogwarts. Since it was the middle of a December night, it was pretty chilly out, and I shivered as I took a seat out there. Though the air was bitter, I felt better; the sky was clear, it was silent, and I wasn't in trouble for sneaking around the school after hours. I sat on one of the chairs that I could actually lift and turn to the sky, and gazed up at the stars, which were sitting there in a serene peace, nearly mocking me for the lack of such peace in my own life. How I wished I could just float away into the night sky, no longer responsible for anything because I was nothing but a burning hot celestial body. It wouldn't happen, but it was a nice thought nonetheless.

I had to do something. I knew that while I was on the balcony outside; I had to think of something I could do to solve this. Then, I had decided on the methods I actually used – the avoiding and the silence – but I know now that those don't work too well. But last night, it was kind of hard to think of plans to make it through the rest of my fifth year; tranquility was so difficult to come by, and here it was, waiting for me to breathe it in. It was odd, being caught in the middle of thinking about ways to avoid things and enjoying being outside on a freezing December night. I won't give details on my muddled thought processes out there, but in essentials, it helped; I just know that writing in a diary is much easier, and makes me look more straightforward than I feel I am. Odd, isn't it? Well, that's me; The Odd Lily Evans. Lovely ring, wouldn't you say? I don't know…I can't think…what's wrong with me today?

I just don't know anything anymore, diary…I'm not in the mood to write at the moment. I can't. I have nothing to say, because there _is_ nothing to say. I kissed Sirius, which betrayed my best friend, and I don't even know why I did it. Why can't it all go away? I shouldn't have to deal with it; I have exams to study for and a social life I would like to somehow salvage. How can I do that when half the school thinks I'm a back-stabbing whore?

I guess I'll have to find a way though; even if my world is shattered, the rest of the planet is still going to move on and drag me along for the ride.

**James**

December 18th

Dear Diary,

This morning, when I woke up, Sirius was pacing the floor of our dormitory. He looked like he had been doing this for a while, and I watched him for a few minutes before asking him what he was doing.

"I'm thinking about Lily," he told me. "What am I supposed to say to her today?"

"You're going to tell her that you're not interested!" I said. "She's not going to be your next conquest, Sirius. I refuse to let it happen. Remember that I'm still pretty pissed with you."

"Listen, I'm sorry," Sirius apologized. "She was just looking good enough to eat, and I couldn't resist it."

"Learn to resist it!" I said, my voice and temper starting to rise. "She's always been the girl of _my_ dreams, not yours! You can't just take her because she looked nice!"

"I'm sorry!" Sirius repeated. "But you're lucky I didn't shag her; I wanted to."

"You wanted to do _what_?" I asked, my expression dangerous.

"Shag her," Sirius said. "But I didn't. I could have, since she was there and totally in love with me, but I chose not to."

"Good, otherwise I would have chosen to massacre you," I snapped. "You're my best mate, but I take the health and welfare of Lily Evans very seriously."

"Why?" Sirius asked. "She's a damn good kisser, sure, but why do you always care so much about her? She screwed up big time last night; I can't believe you're defending her."

"I'm defending her because you know her; you know that she does what she wants no matter what, and you just egged her on, even though you were aware of the delicate balance we were at before this," I said. "It was partially her fault, yes, but it was more your fault than anything else."

"How is it _my_ fault?" Sirius demanded, outraged. "She kissed _me_."

"It takes two pairs of lips to kiss, Sirius, and one of them was yours," I pointed out. "I'll forgive you for now, but know that if you make even one more move on Lily, I'm going to kick your arse. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said absentmindedly, looking behind me. "There's Remus; wonder what he looks all bugged-off about."

I turned around to see my other best friend, who was indeed looking rather worried and, as Sirius so eloquently put it, 'bugged-off.' He approached us, yawned, and said, "Hey James, Sirius. What's this noise I hear about Lily at the Firehouse yesterday?"

Sirius and I exchanged glances. "It was Sirius and Lily you heard about at the Firehouse yesterday," I said. "Why don't you tell him about it, Sirius?"

Sirius shot me a look and said, "Kyleigh caught me and Lily kissing last night. She flipped out, yelled a bunch of stuff, and made Lily cry. That's all."

"Really?" Remus asked, anxious. "Are you sure she's all right?"

"Yeah, probably," Sirius said easily. "I haven't seen her today though. When I do, I have to know what to say – that's what I was talking to James about."

"Poor thing," Remus said, ignoring Sirius as he looked rather anxious. "She must be feeling terrible. Kyleigh is her best friend."

"She's not a poor thing! _She_ bloody kissed _me_!" Sirius roared. "She _should_ feel terrible, because it's her fault!"

"Just one minute ago, you were saying that Lily was a damn good kisser, you wanted to shag her, and you were worried about what to say to her," I said, shaking my head at him. "Shame on you, Padfoot."

"What? A girl can be a damn good kisser while still being a guilty party," Sirius said indignantly. "You're ready to forgive her, even though she kissed me, your best friend."

"I am going to forgive her," I confirmed. "It's you I'm not sure to forgive without hurting."

"Relax, both of you," Remus said. "Peter is still mighty sick, which is why I'm going to Madam Pomfrey for some potion for him, so I don't have time to argue with you. I think that Lily is probably going through a hell of a time right now, so make her life easier and forgive her."

"You _swore_, Moony?" Sirius asked, pretending to sound startled. "Rubbing off on you are we, for never swearing are you."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid, Sirius. I really need to go; we'll argue this later." He dashed out of the dormitory, leaving Sirius and me alone.

I sighed. "Sirius, what should we do about Lily?" It was a mark of how desperate I was for advice – for once – that I was asking him this; I never asked Sirius for advice as a rule, because what Sirius considered a good idea was something very rash and guaranteed to make someone hate me.

"I'd say that you just take it as it comes," Sirius said simply. "I say just treat her normally. She'd appreciate it more than if you acted all weird, like everyone else is. But start doing that tomorrow; today is her day to be punished, and then you can be normal around her again."

"That's the…the smartest thing you've ever suggested for me to do," I realized. "Thanks Padfoot; I wouldn't have expected it from you."

"No problem, mate," Sirius said brightly. "But seriously; when you kiss her, every single bit of pain you've gone through for her will be worth it. She's fantastic. It's hard to believe she hasn't had much practice; she's better than half the girls I've kissed, and I've kissed loads."

"Oh, I'm sure she'll be quite bloody flattered when you tell her that," I snapped, an overwhelming amount of jealousy raging through me; _I _wanted that kiss. _I _wanted to be her boyfriend. _I_ loved her. _I_ was the one who thought she was everything and more; everyone else was just kidding themselves. _I_ was the one who would love her right; _I_ was her perfect match. So why wouldn't she kiss me? Why wouldn't she see that I was her soul mate? Why couldn't she bloody talk to me without yelling at me for something?

"Sorry Prongs," Sirius said, bringing me out of my trance suddenly. "Anyway, Veronica Michaels wanted to make out with me behind the greenhouses today around now, so I'm going to meet her and then come back later, all right?"

"Okay," I said moodily. "You and Veronica have fun."

"Sure," Sirius said, grinning. "For you, anything, Prongs." He laughed, thumped me on the back, and ran out of the Portrait Hole to make out with Veronica. I watched him go with little emotion and walked back to the dormitory to curl up on my bed and just think. I didn't often do that; maybe it would be good for me.

I decided then to just write all of this nonsense from the morning out, and I did, obviously; I've also decided that I'm going to actually take Sirius's advice to treat Lily normally after today. I can deal with Snivelly on the full moon, and if I catch Chris Daniels so much as asking her for a quill, I will bloody murder him. I kind of like that; he needs to stay clear of Lily, and if he doesn't, I get to punish him well. Excuse me while I do my evil laugh in private.

Anyway, I need to finish my Potions homework; I've been trying to put it off for a week, and Old Sluggy will bust a button on his robes if I don't turn it in tomorrow, on Monday. I'd better go find Remus; if I ask him for his help, he'll give me the lecture on doing my own work, check it over, and then give me the right answers anyway. Sometimes, it's really easy to love having Remus around.

_A/N: Leave a review! And yes, I know that this chapter is pretty short and that I've been avoiding putting Peter into the chapters. :D Peter is ill at the moment, and I think he'll be recovered for the next entry, and the next chapter shall hopefully be a little longer and more interesting. So…review and that'll make me update faster:P I thrive in reviews, obviously, and I'm pretty close to my review goal too! Thank you so much for contributing:D_


	16. Lingering Agonies with a Few Laughs

_A/N: Another hard chapter for me to write – what's wrong with me lately? Anyway, I'm sorry that this chapter took so long to put up; I was just really super busy these past few days, and I wasn't able to update. But here's Chapter 16! In this one, Peter is brought back and even has his own scene, Regina is being a brat again, Lily's still trying to recover from Saturday, Remus is a topic of discussion, Snape has bugs in his pants (no, I didn't forget about that!), and James is completely confused out his mind. Haha, enjoy!_

**Lily**

December 20th****

Dear Diary,

I had thought that, even though I had ruined my Saturday night, the school would have forgotten about that – or at least gotten over it – and allowed me to live my life again.

I had thought very wrong.

This morning, when I walked into Transfiguration, I went in cautiously, my eyes resting on each person for only a second to see if they would react differently. They didn't even look at me; perfect. I strode to the seat in the back of the room and took out my materials, relieved. About five minutes later, I saw Kyleigh enter the classroom. I saw me – I know she did – but she acted as though she hadn't. She took a seat near the front; the farthest one from me. I tried not to be upset about it, but it was with considerable difficulty that I ignored her.

Leila came in shortly after, and to my very great surprise, she took the seat beside me. I was about to ask her why she was there, but she silenced me and began to speak.

"Look Lil, I'm really sorry about Saturday," she said to me in a rushed undertone, her voice throbbing with sincerity as she tried to get her words out. "The way I saw it, Kyleigh was right. But then I watched how much travesty you've been taking lately, and I knew that no matter what you did, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Can you forgive me?"

It was a hasty apology; I acknowledged that, and I accepted that. I was a bit naive and vulnerable at that point in time, and her words just meant more to me than I could describe. Grateful for even the slightest attempt at friendship, I gave her the first small smile I had worn for a few days, and said, "Yes, of course. Thank you."

Leila smiled back at me, and took out her books to set them up; we were cleared, and we were friends again, which made my heart lift more than I could tell her. I gave her a full smile before pulling out my essay to hand in. Leila presented me with hers and I passed both of them up front, elated that I finally had someone who cared. There was nothing more wonderful than a friend who could express regret for an error and come crawling into your hole to be with you, and in time, save you.

After class was over, Leila and I walked down to our next subject, complaining about the difficulty of the day's lesson. As we made our way down to the corridor, however, I saw James and Peter talking quietly to each other. There were several things wrong with that picture; first of all, James Potter _never_ talked quietly – he was one of the loudest boys in our year, and knew it. Second of all, Peter was not his second hand man – Sirius was (m y stomach lurched again as I thought of Sirius). Third of all, James actually looked _worried_, which was unusual, bearing in mind that he had a self-esteem the size of our universe. I pointed these observations out to Leila, but she wasn't as confused or anxious as I was.

"Don't worry about it, Lils," she said dismissively. "James has been a little off since Saturday, but it's not that big of a deal."

"He has?" Though I passionately loathed James, I didn't want to be the one responsible for making him act differently through my many mistakes.

"Yeah, but I'm sure he's fine," Leila said soothingly. "You know James; he bounces right back up."

I didn't say anything, apprehensive for some reason. James did bounce back fast, but that wasn't the problem; the problem was how awful I suddenly felt for what had happened on Saturday. My pity comes little bits at a time; I had been feeling increasingly sorrier since the night itself, and then, while I was talking to Leila, the entire package just hit me and it felt like it was killing me inside. I had to wonder though; why was it all for James? Why wasn't it for the best friend I had hurt? Why James? He had only been dragged into the conversation by Kyleigh, who had only wanted another nasty thing to throw at me, so why did I feel that way?

"He's probably just freaked out about Regina still," Leila told me under her breath, breaking my confused quiet. "They had a huge episode earlier."

"What was it about?" I hadn't gone to breakfast; I had slept in a little and gone straight to first period.

"She kind of spazzed out about his infatuation with you," Leila said confidentially. "'Intentional treachery and despicable unfaithfulness' was what she called it." She snorted. "It's nothing – she's just pissed that she can't have exactly what she wants like she normally does. Spoiled bitch."

"Great; something else that's my fault!" I groaned. "Leila, do you realize that I'm accountable for most of our year not speaking to me, Sirius being awkward for the first time in his flirtatious life, Remus having a crush on me, being a bad girlfriend to Chris, Snape having a crush on me, _and_ making James miserable?"

"Wow," Leila said after a moment of digesting this. "Lily, I don't know what you're doing this year – it's obviously different from before, considering what's going on right now."

"I wish I knew as well," I sighed as we walked away from James and Peter. "I don't understand this. Why can't boys just ignore me like they did when we were younger? Life was much easier when they thought we had cooties."

"We've always told you that you were beautiful, Lily," Leila said. "People are only just realizing it. But James – James saw it all along, even when no one else did, and that's probably one of the best things about him."

"What?" No; James couldn't have seen any beauty in me because he was the least observant person on the planet.

"James knew that you were beautiful inside and out when we first met him," Leila explained. "He doesn't show it much, but he sees things differently, Lily; he's a sensitive person."

"I can think of many adjectives to describe James, and sensitive is not one of them," I said. "Besides, how do you know all of this if he doesn't show it?"

"There are just some things you _know_, Lils," Leila said mysteriously as she held the classroom door open for me. I looked at her curiously as we went to find seats together, but she just smiled and shrugged.

Charms, where we were at, was always a good place to chat, so Leila and I continued our analysis of James and whether or not he was as sensitive as Leila claimed he was – guess who took what side. Haha. After a little while though, Leila had to go to the bathroom, and I was left alone. But, of course, it wasn't for long – James joined me the moment Leila was out of the door.

"Hey Lils," he greeted me cheerfully.

"I've told you before that you can _not_ call me Lils," I snapped. "_Lily_ is my name; Lily Evans."

"I know your name," James informed me. "I expect that most of the school has heard it more than once since Saturday night, wouldn't you say?"

"Oh, so you came to mock me too? Get a number," I moaned.

"No, I'm not going to mock you," he said. "I only want to ask what the hell was going through your mind over there; what possessed you to kiss my best friend?"

"He wanted to and I agreed," I said waspishly.

"I've wanted to go out with you hundreds of times before, but you never agreed to that," James pointed out. "What does Sirius have that I don't?" He sounded as though he was about to take mental notes or something; he sounded pretty desperate, so I wasn't sure how to respond.

"Look James, it never meant anything," I said. "It was just one kiss; it won't mean much to Sirius, and it won't change my opinion of him."

"It was still a kiss," he insisted. "I've tried to give you one countless times over the years and you go with Sirius's first attempt; that isn't fair."

"Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair," I said. "You're dating Regina Masters, for example; lots of guys would kill to spend just five minutes with her."

"Regina isn't my girlfriend," James said sharply, startling me with the amount of detestation in his voice. "I don't know what she's telling people, but she's really _not_ my girlfriend. As far as anyone else is concerned, I don't have steady girlfriend right now, and there's only one I really want to fill that position." His eyes flicked hopefully onto mine.

In actuality, I wasn't really sure what caused my words to come out so harshly. I guess it had just been the _arrogance_ of it all; he had the most desired girl in our year, yet he seemed to hate it, and was trying to drop hints at _me _– plain old me. He was probably trying to mock me – I'd seen this tactic before, and it only just screamed egotism in every second of it. Ungratefulness and haughtiness at those levels just bothered me to no end, and I had little patience with James anyway, so the combination made for an extra-irritated me, and a hurt, shocked James.

"Yeah, whatever," I said as I rolled my eyes. "You're dating Regina, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less about you not having the steady girlfriend of your dreams."

"Lil, please; one chance is all I ask for. I'm not going to grovel, but I only want one date," James said, recovering from my snappiness much quicker than I would have expected. His voice definitely had a cooled edge to it, but his eyes begged me to agree, though his statement did not.

"No," I repeated, a little more gentle after hearing the obvious plea in his tone. "I'm not interested, James; stop trying to harass me."

He opened his mouth to say something else, but right at that moment, Leila walked in and took her seat back.

"Hi James, hi Lily," she said brightly, her eyes resting on James for just a fraction of a second longer.

"Hi Leila." James sounded very exasperated – more than usual – and it was enough to make even air-headed (but sweet) Leila take notice.

"I'm so sorry; am I interrupting something?" she asked, looking from him to me, her eyes wide and looking for answers.

"No," James said. "No, I was leaving anyway. Bye." The word was said to both of us, but it was me that James looked at for just a little bit extra before he left. When he was safely out of earshot though, Leila turned to me and demanded at once that I tell her what we had been talking about.

Sighing with resignation – I knew she would never let me rest until she had knowledge so sought-after in her head for future usage – I told her the entire story. When I finished, she was shaking her head as though I was a completely lost cause.

"Lily, you blew it!" she said. "You should have said yes. James may not have admitted to it, but he was begging you to go out with him. Begging you! But you still said no to him, and there is something deeply wrong with that."

"Leila, he isn't my type," I explained. "I don't like him! I don't want to get his hopes high with a date and then crush him. Even to me, that is inexcusably malicious."

"You never know, Lils; he may actually be your type," she said. "Face it – you don't know him as well as you think you do, and maybe if you did, you would like him."

"Like you so wisely put it before, Leila; there are just some things you _know_," I said just as the bell rang.

The two of us ambled out of the classroom together, still arguing about James, when Severus Snape came up to talk to me. Leila looked at him, then at my grief-stricken expression, and said, "I'll see you later." She looked close to laughter, but left me there with Snape and ran ahead; I had no choice but to curse Leila in my mind and walk with him.

"I've been hearing a lot of rumors about you, Lily," he said. "I heard that you had to kiss Sirius Black on Saturday night. I felt so bad for you."

My common sense told me never to reveal that I had secretly enjoyed kissing Sirius, so I merely said, "Yes, I did kiss Sirius. Thank you for your concern."

"It must have been dreadful," he went on. "Is it true that Caroline or whatever your friend's name was liked him, and you knew?"

"Her name is Kyleigh, and I really don't want to talk about this right now," I said, my voice a little shorter than usual.

"I only wanted to know if the rumors were true."

"I'm pretty sure that they were fairly accurate," I said brusquely, loathing the truth in my own statement.

"I don't think it was your fault," Severus confided in me. "You're too rational and good-natured."

"Thank you," I said, though there was a bit of question in the way I said it; Snape almost never paid anyone a compliment. I didn't expect one from him because of that, especially since I was Muggleborn.

"Well, I'd best be off," said Snape, turning a corner as I went straight. "I have to stop for something. Bye."

I waved half-heartedly, but didn't say anything as I went to find Leila. I did find her eventually, and she found my conversation with Snape hilarious. She thought his attention was cute, even though he was not cute himself, but I thought that the situation was mortifying. Something had to be done about Severus, but I would deal with it later – I was a little busy for the time being.

So my day pretty much sucked, as you can see. I felt pity towards James for constantly losing my interest, which was different in an alarming way and Snape was quite a troubling issue of his own. Not only that, but I think I'm in love with Remus; he's pretty good-looking, not to mention hard-working and decent, but falling in love is the last thing I can afford to do right now, especially since he may not return the feeling. You know, I've also recently realized that all of these emotions might not even be love! Confusing lust and love is one of the direst mistakes a girl could make, and I didn't want to make it over Remus. Love/lust are/is the most confusing thing I can possibly feel – I hate it about as much as I hate James.

I know that not having my Charms homework done only adds to my situation, so I reckon that it's time I go deal with that side of life. If I want to live a happy, successful life, I need to go and do the rest of my responsibilities. I'll write again soon – with the way things are going for me right now, I daresay something big will happen in the near future that will merit pulling you, my diary, out to save me once again.

**James**

December 21st

Dear Diary,

I'm writing at about four in the morning, and yesterday just about killed me.

Now, it isn't often that I say something like that, though it's becoming more and more frequent this year, but it's true – it was another one of those days where I discover that I'm still capable of crying, yet I have the astounding self-control not to. Lily Evans really does know how to torture a guy.

It all started at breakfast that morning. I was sitting peacefully, eating with Sirius, Peter, and Remus. Peter was finally over his cold, and joined us, fully into his eggs, laughing at Sirius's porridge-eating habits. Sirius has the remarkable ability to inhale porridge – no joke; he actually gets it up his nose and eats it that way. Remus finds it disgusting and refuses to watch, but Peter and I always cheer him on. Sirius was doing it like he normally did, minding his own business, when Regina marched up to us.

"James, why aren't you sitting with me?" she inquired. "You are _supposed_ to be sitting with me, your beautiful girlfriend, rather than these three."

"These three happen to be my best friends," I informed her. "I sit with them at breakfast every day, no matter who I'm going out with. Or didn't you know?"

She smirked, but smiled her usual dangerously dazzling smile. "I didn't, but now you know how I operate; get up, and I'll show you where I go to eat breakfast."

"No," I said coolly. "Leave me alone, Regina; I'm eating with my friends right now, and I will every other day – that's not going to change."

"Yeah, bug off, Gina," Sirius cut in unexpectedly, inhaling more porridge.

Regina threw Sirius a filthy look, but looked mostly at me. "Oh, and I suppose if Evans asked you to sit with her, you would?"

"How did Lily enter the conversation?" Peter asked. "She's not here right now. She wouldn't be, after Saturday."

"I remember how he looked at her the other day in class," Regina insisted. "She's taking my boyfriend from me! I can see it! I need to know that he's still loyal to me, and that's why he must sit with me right now."

"Geez, James; you really know how to pick the psycho girls," Sirius commented as he took some more porridge and stuffed it into his nostrils.

Regina glared at him icily. "How can I be psycho when you are putting breakfast into your nose?"

"This is perfectly normal, thank you very much," Sirius said resentfully. "Every fifteen year old boy should be able to put porridge into his nostrils, and if he can't, he is a failure."

At this, an anxious Peter took some porridge and tried to put it up his nose. Regina looked at him with revulsion, but Peter was able to somehow get it in and keep it in. He beamed at Sirius, who looked quite shocked, and said, "I'm not a failure, am I, Sirius?"

"Erm, no, of course not," Sirius said, looking at Peter as though he had never seen anything quite like him before.

"Good," Peter said, satisfied, as he put more porridge in his nose. "You know, this is pretty fun."

Remus looked as though he was about to puke. "Please Peter; stop that."

"I want to try!" I said at once, grabbing a handful of porridge and sticking it into my nose. I gave a hearty sniff, and said, "Hey, this is fun! Peter's right!"

"I know!" Sirius said enthusiastically, putting more up his own nose. Then he saw Regina, looking a little pale, and offered her a handful of porridge. "Would you like to try?"

"No!" Regina screeched at the top of her lungs for everyone to hear. "James Potter, you are the WORST boyfriend in the world! You are NOT supposed to be putting porridge in your nose, and you are supposed to be sitting with ME rather than with these…these…these fools!"

People were staring at her now, but she liked attention; it always drove her forward. She went on yelling, enjoying the hushed whispers starting to go around. "James, you are way too obsessed with this stupid Evans girl. This is intentional treachery and despicable unfaithfulness towards who should be the only woman in your life; you need to stop being so in love with that boyfriend-stealing bitch!"

I couldn't let her refer to Lily like that; I stood up at my full height and declared, "You can say what you want about me, but when you insult Lily Evans, that's where I draw the line."

"Why, because you're in love with her?" she asked mockingly.

"Yes," I said, loudly and clearly so that no one would miss it. "I'm in love with her, and that's why you can't say a word against her."

"Well, I'm not your girlfriend, not her," Regina said. "I can call her whatever I want to!"

"Gina, I don't know who you think you are, but you're not going to be a dictator over my life," I countered angrily. "I can like who I want, and I can sit by who I want; I shouldn't need your permission for any of that. Quit being such a bloody bitch and leave me alone."

The room began to 'oooh' as I said that. Regina looked like might explode with fury, and yelled, "You need to be a better boyfriend, James Potter. Stop obsessing over Evans! She doesn't even like you! She was making out with your best friend a few days back, if you do recall."

I chose to ignore her last sentence, but said back, "I will obsess over Lily if I want to, and you can't stop me." Arguing with her was such a waste of time; I just got up and left – it was nearly time for Transfiguration anyway. I went in, pretended that I cared about what McGonagall was babbling about, and just thought about Lily. I was guilty of doing that far too much.

I loved her, I thought as I took a note or two. I really did. She was beautiful, she was clever, she was sweet; what was there not to love? She was confident, she was energetic, she was charming, and most of all, she never let life get the better of her. She kept her head up high and lived life normally, even if her Saturday night had gone horribly. She was truly amazing, and I admired that; she was the only one on earth who could make me a better person, and I knew it. I mean, yeah, I'm fantastic, but she could make me something more – she was everything I needed, and for that, I loved her. The problem was that I didn't know how to make her see it; she didn't know what I really was, and therefore, she couldn't love me back. It was beyond maddening.

After class, Peter and I walked out to go to Charms together. Sirius was walking with his current girlfriend, Veronica, who had received the honor of being Conquest #54, and Remus insisted that he needed to be alone with his thoughts. I seriously think that he loves her, and that was troubling me. I decided to take desperate measures – I had to act, and this idea was my last resort.

"Peter," I began as we strolled down the corridor in the direction of the Charms hallway. "I don't know what to do about Remus and Evans. Sirius has already given me some rubbish advice, so I'm hoping you have something better to say."

"What do you mean, 'advice on Remus and Evans'?" Peter asked. "Do they like each other or something?"

"Yeah, they do," I said. "You missed a lot when you were sick. But I have evidence that they're in love, and it's freaking me out – I desperately want her to love _me_, not Moony."

"You should tell Moony that," Peter said. "He's all rational – he'll respect your wishes and back off."

"I want to do that, but at the same time, I don't," I said, frustrated. "Should I?"

"Yeah," Peter said. "Either that, or you can string him up by his ankles in Lily's dormitory with a sign that says 'Regards from James Potter' like you did to her other crushes last year."

I smiled reminiscently, remembering the insanities I had put together the previous year. "Oh – that. Ha, that was funny. People left her alone, but then she thought that she was ugly and not worth the time of guys in our year, so I had to leave them alone this year."

"Moony wouldn't even look at her again if you did that," Peter said, grinning.

"Chris has thankfully left her alone, so I don't have to deal harshly with him, but Remus is one of my best friends, which makes this so much harder," I said, contemplating the situation. "This absolutely stinks."

"He's not really your best friend if he tries to take your crush; he's your competitor, and your enemy," Peter pointed out. "Are you going to let him take Lily from you?"

"He hasn't made a move yet though – he didn't her out or anything," I reasoned. "I suppose I can just leave it for now, and only take action if I have to."

"So why did you ask me for advice?" Peter inquired.

"To see if your thoughts differ from mine," I said, shrugging. "It's just that I don't want to be more of a jerk – that was why Lily didn't like me before."

"I guess," Peter said, shrugging as well. "But I like the ankle idea still."

"To your best friend?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing; Peter wanted me to use my evil punishment on good old dependable Moony?!

"Well, he's not your best friend in such a situation," Peter said. "He's not playing fair by taking your girl – why should you?"

I nodded slowly, seeing the truth in his statement. "I suppose you're right, for once, but I'm not going to do anything to Lily's crushes that will make her hate me more."

"Okay," said Peter. "Good luck." He walked into the Charms room, where I saw Leila and Lily talking together. It made me ache all over to see her so peaceful and happy when I felt like I was losing myself for her. I sat down, thinking about how her face glowed when she smiled and dreaming that she would some day look at me like that. Class began, and again, I only pretended to work – I couldn't focus on anything but Lily.

I had a stroke of good luck when Leila left the room to go to the bathroom; I got right up and went over to Lily, seeking an opportunity to ask her about the disastrous events of Saturday night – I had to know if she really did fancy Sirius.

I won't go into all of the details, since they're mostly Lily trying to avoid me, but one thing keeps bothering me, even as I write at this very moment; it was how Lily was under the impression that I was dating Regina. I wasn't dating anybody, as far as the student body was concerned, which I told her, but she didn't believe me – she was quite annoyed, to be honest, and I couldn't imagine why. She did, however, soothe me by saying that she wasn't going to change her opinion about Sirius after just one kiss – it was good to know that she only liked one of my best friends rather than two of them. Though the information helped, it was the only calming thing she said to me.

Our conversation was not a good one, but it was, unfortunately, cut short by Leila's reappearance. I swear; that girl is out to ruin my life or something. But I left, carrying the broken shards of my hopes for her with me, and I didn't see her again all day.

The rest of my afternoon was pretty uneventful – I just spent the time looking for bugs by the greenhouses. I had not forgotten my idea to put bugs in Snape's pants for trying to get to my girl, so I needed my materials for the operation I had planned. I found plenty of really gross ones this afternoon, which was excellent, and I stashed them all in a jar in my dormitory; I would need them later at night. Sirius and Peter were in on the idea, but Remus wasn't; we chose not to tell him because he would try to stop us, which we didn't want at all – Snape's misery was like a game of Quidditch for us.

After it was time to go to bed, Remus felt his usual little change coming on, so we four all snuck out to the Shrieking Shack to transform. Once we were in, Sirius nudged me, and I said, "Hey Moony, I'll be right back."

Remus grunted in reply, and I snuck back out to the school, grabbed my bugs from my dormitory, and ran to the Slytherin area of the school. I held my nose as I did, since the halls reeked of Slytherin filth, and forced my way into the fifth year boy's dormitory as a stag. I padded into the room, and immediately, I spotted Snivelly. He was asleep, his oily hair flopping all over his pillow; his blankets were covering most of him, giving him the look of a greasy rat hiding in its little hole. I chuckled to myself, lifted the covers gingerly, and took a deep breath; this was going to be mentally scarring, but definitely worth it.

Snape was wearing a plain gray pair of pajama pants with a plain gray shirt – original, I know – and they were very loose, which made my job easier. I opened the lid of the jar, and, carefully, I tipped it into Snape's pants. The tiny bugs I had laboriously stuffed into the jar began crawling into his underpants, exploring the area, and I grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. I scribbled the message I had wanted to write, Keep out of my girl's pants and I'll keep the bugs out of yours, and kept it on his bedside table where he would see it. The moment he began to wriggle with discomfort, I grinned and snuck out of the dormitory. I transformed back into a stag and galloped at full speed to the Shrieking Shack.

"It's done," I whispered to Sirius and Peter.

"Oh good," Sirius whispered back. "What do you two saying to going in early and just _happening _to be nearby when he starts dancing like a crazed clockwork toy?"

"I would ask what we were still doing here," Peter said, beaming. "Off we go. I'll make the excuse to Remus – you two go."

"All right," I agreed. "C'mon, Padfoot."

We tore off to the school, racing each other, and Peter began to talk to werewolf-Remus. Sirius went to the Slytherin area, which was conveniently located near the kitchens, and I followed close behind. We wordlessly agreed to use the excuse of a midnight snack if someone asked why we were there, and we began to spy on the Slytherin portrait hole, listening intently for any sign that my prank had succeeded.

We were rewarded for our patience; screams and shouts that could only come from Snivelly began to erupt from behind the wall, and Sirius and I high-fived each other, pleased. Peter turned up soon after, breathless from running, and we all three listened lovingly to Snape freaking out and waking up his entire house. Many swear words were said as more people were roused, and a growing amount of laughs were heard as the problem was pinpointed – once the Slytherins knew that Snape had bugs in his pants, they began to howl with laughter, and didn't even try to help him. We could tell, since Snape wouldn't stop screaming for a few hours until he had gotten all the bugs out.

Wiping away our tears of laughter, Sirius, Peter, and I walked back to our own dormitory, exhausted but delighted with the night's prank. I took this stupid book out, and I wrote everything that had happened – it had all been quite a to-do, and we had thoroughly enjoyed it. Putting those bugs in Snape's pants had definitely helped me feel a little bit better about Lily, but I still get a knot in my stomach when I think about how much I love her, and how ignorant she is to that fact. Happiness and hopelessness, joy and gloom, love and hate; wasn't that just how the world worked now, coupling opposites together to torture everyone?

Either way, I'm too exhausted to be philosophical; good night, horrible diary which seems to be my best friend somehow. I'll hopefully never write in you again, even though I probably will anyway.

_Well, I hope you enjoyed that! Leave me a review and let me know, 'kay? xD Chapter 17 will be up as soon as I can get it. :)_


	17. Christmas Cheer James and Lily Style

_A/N: This chapter…hmmm…well it's leading into Lily's section of misery, which is coming up in the next few chapters, and it's kind of showing James in a different light. Lately, James has started to change – you've noticed that he's becoming less sure of himself and hates that, I'm sure, and now this is really displaying that. That's part of the fun of these diaries though – James and Lily have certain ideas about each other, and neither is true. Like James sees Lily as perfect and confident – we know that she isn't. Lily also sees James the same way – arrogant and self-assured all the time – he isn't. But yeah, just keep that in mind, because this is the point where when things start getting crazy for Lily, opinions change the way they might have acted. Now enough of my babbling! Read the chapter. :P Sorry about that long intro; it's late, and I'm in a rambling sort of mood._

**Lily**

December 21st

Dear Diary,

In all the insanity going on lately, I completely forgot about Christmas! It's only four days away, and I still needed to get gifts for my friends. The rest of the school left for Christmas vacation a few hours ago, and that's when I remembered; I dashed out to Hogsmeade right when I got a moment, bundled up against the cold, and waded through the snow to find the shops.

Hogsmeade is a beautiful place to go around the holidays; the little shops and houses are all coated with icicles, snow, and multi-colored lights, and there is a strong smell of chocolate in the air from Honeydukes. Laughter and general conversations fill the frosty air, and you just feel glad to be there. I smiled as I ran into Gladrag's and began to look for Christmas presents for my friends.

I bought Leila a pair of fuzzy baby-blue socks, since she didn't have that color and because I knew she loved socks, and with it, I bought her a matching pair of earmuffs. I filled out a cute little Christmas card with a snowman on the front with my usual gushy message – you're a great friend, Merry Christmas, have a great day, whatever – and put it all in a gift bag. Feeling particularly affectionate towards Leila, I splurged a little and bought her a small flowery design that she could charm onto any sock of her choice – they were a bit expensive, but it was cute, and Leila would love it.

I then ran to Zonko's because I had wanted to buy a present for Kyleigh like I always did, but then I stopped myself; Kyleigh wasn't my friend anymore. Should I still get her a present, or should I just ignore her like she was doing to me? To make a long, agonizing story short, my good side won out and I bought her a small box of Dr. Filibuster fireworks with a package of her favorite trick blowing gum, which she thought tasted good, despite it being boogey flavored. Whatever. I got the guy at the counter to wrap them for me, and I taped a piece of parchment to the top of it that had just four words handwritten on it – Merry Christmas from Lily. I hoped that she wouldn't throw it away without opening it; she did that sometimes if she was mad enough at the sender.

I really wanted to get Remus something as well, but I didn't know what his preferences were. Did he like chocolate? If he didn't, I knew that Sirius and James ate anything edible, and would take it, which was not what I wanted. What did boys like? He wasn't the trickster type, and buying clothes could turn into something really embarrassing – what was I supposed to buy him? I spent a good fifteen minutes pondering over the matter, but I had no ideas, so I simply took the ten Galleons I had been planning to spend on him and put them in a baggie with a note explaining that I didn't know what to get for him, and that he should obtain something for himself from me. I attached a small lily flower pin to the end instead of my name, hoping he'd get the connection.

I also knew that I would have to buy Chris something, since he was my boyfriend. However, I wasn't sure – was he _still_ my boyfriend after my exploits on Saturday night? He had not spoken to me since that night, and I wasn't sure if he still deserved a gift; wasn't a boyfriend supposed to lend a hand to his girlfriend through her rough times? I had faced my situation alone, and even though I was pretty well again, he took no credit for helping. I decided to send him five Galleons and a note saying just Merry Christmas. It showed that I still thought of him, but wasn't in the mood to give him much.

Sirius, James, and Peter were not getting anything – I had decided that early on. I half-considered getting Sirius something very tiny, but then I decided against it; Remus was the only one in their group that I actually cared about, so Remus was the only one getting a Christmas present. 'So there,' I imagined shouting at James; 'I'm not getting you anything!'

I went back to Hogwarts with my packages, but on the way, I bumped into Snape (again) and dropped all of my bags. I groaned and bent down to pick them up, and he bent down as well to help me. I didn't say anything, hoping that he'd get my drift, and somehow, he did. He handed me a couple of bags, mumbled a Merry Christmas at me, and hurried off before I could say a thing. I watched him go curiously, wondering what had caused such a change in manner, but shrugged as I lugged my stuff to my dormitory.

When I got there, Leila was sitting on the bed, waving her wand at some wrapping paper to make it wrap the box in front of her. She looked up at me, yelped, and hastily put the box and paper away.

"Lil, give me some notice before you barge in like that, would you?" she requested. "I was getting your Christmas present ready."

"I was out shopping for presents right now, actually," I said, dumping all my bags on my bed. "I completely forgot about Christmas in light of current situations." I smirked, rolled my eyes, and took out some stationary to write cards.

Leila laughed. "Smooth. Hey, did you get Kyleigh anything? I wasn't sure if I should; she'd been kind of nasty to you before, and I wasn't sure if I should get her something."

"Yes, I did," I said. "I thought a lot about it, and got her something small despite her not being friends with me. I don't know if it was smart though; she might not even open it. Remember the year she threw away her sister's present because they'd had a fight, and it ended up that her sister had sent her fifty Galleons to buy herself something?"

"Oh yeah," she said, grinning as she remembered. "Kyleigh was so pissed…she checked garbage cans for days looking for that package. Good point, but what did you get her?"

"Her favorite blowing gum and some fireworks," I said, holding up the containers.

"Okay, well, I'd say just send it anyway; maybe she'll open it and see that you're sorry," Leila said.

"I'm not sending her a present because I want to say I'm sorry, though I am; I'm sending her a present because she is – was – my friend and I want to send her holiday greetings."

"Yeah, whatever," Leila said with a yawn. "Just send it; I want to sleep for a couple of hours – I was up all night because of that scandal."

"Scandal?" I had not been aware of something happening in the night.

"Mhmm," Leila confirmed, pulling out another gift to prepare. "Someone went to Snape's dormitory last night and put bugs in his pants. He was up, yelling and screaming for all he was worth, and it woke up most of the castle."

"Who was it?" I asked, appalled. What a horrible prank!

"We don't know for sure, but we have a pretty good idea," Leila said, smirking slightly. "The culprit left a note saying, 'Keep out of my girl's pants and I'll keep the bugs out of yours.' Who do you think it was?"

"James," I groaned. "Bloody bastard; why can't he leave Snape alone? I mean, yeah, Severus is rather annoying, but that's no reason to put bugs in the poor guy's pants when he's fast asleep and defenseless!"

"I know, but it was pretty funny," Leila said, giggling. "I liked the note."

"If James wrote it, you would even like a note full of profanities," I said, rolling my eyes.

"You're right," Leila said, clearing her things away and falling back on her pillow. "G'night, Lil."

I smiled. "Good night, Leila."

After a few minutes of utter silence, I got kind of bored; I put away my finished Christmas parcels, and went downstairs to the common room to see who was still left in Gryffindor House. I knew James obviously was, since I had seen him just before dashing off to Hogsmeade, but I didn't know who else.

Predictably, it was just James, Sirius, and Peter downstairs – Remus was out sick apparently, but I knew he was there, and Kyleigh was just coming into the portrait hole when I came down. Once the four fifth-years took a good look at me coming cautiously down the stairs, they all had rather mixed reactions; James smiled at me, Sirius determinedly stared at the window, Peter ignored me, and Kyleigh went up to the dormitory, not looking at me once. I bit my lip and sat on the sofa with my book. When I opened it, James said, "Hey Lily. You're staying back too?"

"Yeah," I said. "Petunia's always a nightmare around this time of year."

"Petunia?" He looked interested, though I couldn't imagine why.

"My sister," I clarified. "My parents are keen gardeners, obviously, and they happened to like petunias and lilies the best."

"You have a sister?" Sirius asked, looking at me at last, grinning evilly. "Is she our age?"

"Yes, but she has a boyfriend and is a Muggle," I said. "You wouldn't like her; she passionately hates magic. She also doesn't want to have sex until she's married."

"Oh, never mind then," Sirius said, his eyes going back to the window.

"That's what I thought," I said, opening my book again.

"Hey Lily, what was the Summoning Charm again?" Peter asked from deep inside his pile of parchment and books.

"Accio," I answered curtly.

"Thanks," he said, scribbling something down.

Several minutes ticked by in awkward silence after that; I read my book, Sirius watched the window, Peter scribbled things down, and James just sat, thinking. At last, he said, "Lily, may I have a word?"

"Sure." I let him take me outside the portrait hole where we wouldn't be disturbed, and waited for him to say something.

It seemed to take him a long time to get his thoughts together, so I prompted, "Yes?"

"Lil, it's killing me," he said, his hazel eyes earnest. "I want to know if you like Remus."

"You're rather nosy about my feelings towards other boys lately," I said. "Quit it; it's my business."

"Well, he's my best friend," James said. "I think I should know."

"No, you shouldn't, because it's none of you business, like I already said," I told him. "What I feel about Remus stays between us. And while we're on this subject, why did you put bugs in Snape's pants and leave that ridiculous note behind?"

"He was trying to flirt with you," he said at once. "That wasn't allowed."

"Oh, and why not?" I inquired. "Is it suddenly against the rules to have a boy simply act friendly towards me without you interfering?"

"Yes," he confirmed. "Lily, those boys aren't right for you."

"You have no right to tell me who is and who isn't right for me," I said, my temper starting to rise. "That's for _me_ to decide."

"I'm sorry," he apologized, trying again. "You're in control of that, but you aren't in control of what I feel for you. I love you, Lily; can't you let me prove that?"

I sighed, feeling wretched and horrible again, like I always did when he said those four simple words – I love you, Lily. I longed to hear them from someone, but when that someone was James, I instantly wanted to run away and hide. I didn't though; I faced him and said, "James, you are _not my type_. I don't want to get into a relationship with you for that very reason. Please stop making this harder than it needs to be."

"You liked Sirius briefly, you love Remus right now; why is it everyone but me?" he demanded.

I froze up. "Wait, you said that I love Remus."

"Yes, you do," James said. "We all know that."

"Well, he's a great guy," I said defensively. "He's sensitive and kinder than anyone else I've ever met. I do love him; after even five minutes with him, how could anyone not love him?"

"So it's true? You're in love with my best friend?" James asked.

"I'm not answering that," I said.

"Then yes, it is true."

"So what if it is?" I inquired, growing angry. "You can't run my life for me; stay away!"

"I can't, in case you haven't noticed," James snapped back, becoming rather heated as well.

"I'm tired of this!" I cried out in aggravation. "I'm done! You are the most insufferable, desperately love-sick _moron_ to ever walk this earth, and I've had it! You can't rule my life. You can't tell me what to do, what to say, or who to like. You really drive me insane, James Potter, and I want nothing more to do with you."

I glared at him, and he glared back; our faces were scarlet and we were facing each other as though we were in hostile combat position. I stormed out of the room in a huff, not looking back, and went to my dormitory. Kyleigh had been up there with Leila, talking, and when I walked in, I stopped short at the door. Kyleigh looked up at me, her expression hard, and left at once without offering an explanation to a very sad-looking Leila. I sat beside her and asked, "What was that all about?"

"She's still pissed off at you from Saturday," Leila said with a sigh. "Sorry, Lil; I was trying to talk her out of it, but she refused to forgive you."

"Its fine," I fibbed. "Kyleigh will come around eventually, and if she doesn't, well, I know who my real friends are."

"I hate seeing her so upset," Leila said wistfully. "Lils, I don't know what's going to happen. Is she ever going to talk to you again?"

"Oh yeah, she definitely will," I assured her. "Sooner or later; she's just chosen later."

"I hope you're right," she said. "I miss having the three of us hang out like we always did during Christmas vacation. Anyway, I heard you and James shouting something at one another; what was that all about?"

"Oh, that." I turned away from her so that she wouldn't see my expression – full of emotions I couldn't even identify – as easily. "It's nothing."

"I hope you won't spend your break yelling your heads off at each other," Leila said. "I'd like to see something good happen between you two this Christmas."

"Not going to happen," I said resolutely. "I only have one person who my heart may go to, and it won't be James."

"Ooh, who?" Leila asked, interested.

"If I tell you, you won't laugh, will you?" I asked, worried.

"Of course not."

"It's Remus."

Leila burst out laughing.

"Don't," I protested. "I really do like him; he's such a good-natured guy, and I see nothing wrong with him."

"I'm sorry – really, I am, but it's just that you and Remus…I couldn't imagine you with anyone but James," Leila said, hiccupping.

"I don't belong with James!" I told her adamantly. "I belong to…to someone else!"

"Someone who isn't Remus," Leila said. "Lil, he's too shy. He's never going to be able to carry out a relationship with you – he's not that type of a guy. He's really nice – I know that – but he's not the right one for you."

"You sound exactly like James," I said bitterly. "I'm just pissed beyond belief right now, Leila; do you mind if I kick you out for a few hours so that I can get my head straight?"

"Sure," she said. "And if you ever need me, I'm here, all right?"

"Thanks Leils," I said, squeezing her shoulder as she left the room. "See you."

"See you," she said back as she closed the door behind her.

Then, just as the lock clicked, I pulled you, my diary, out, and began to write about all of the happenings of today. It's just insane, this whole love thing. I'm new to it – I've never really done it before – and I've found that I hate it. I keep thinking about Remus's sweet face, intelligent eyes, and faultless disposition; he keeps playing like a video in my head, a video that refuses to go away, no matter how hard I try to push it away. He probably doesn't even like me back, so why do I even bother? Why do I even care? I wish I knew; I would try to stop. But, as it is…

I feel increasingly culpable about the James thing too, come to think of it. I mean, it _had_ been my fault for constantly shutting him out of my life when he only wanted to help…but then again, I didn't ask him for his help! I could function on my own – not well, but I could still do it, couldn't I? He did not need to baby-sit me like some five-year-old that wasn't capable of controlling herself. I was self-governing, and I could live without him. I'd done it for fifteen years before, hadn't I? I could do it for longer. I _would_ do it for longer. James had been asking for what he had received; I shouldn't be feeling guilty. At least, I don't think so.

My brain hurts, diary; I'm going to do a Leila and go to sleep for a few hours. Maybe – just maybe – when I wake up, things will look a little bit better than they do now.

**James**

December 21st

Dear Diary,

Christmas vacation started up a few hours ago, and by the looks of it, it won't be a good one.

Lily, Kyleigh, Leila, Sirius, Peter, Remus, and I are the only ones in Gryffindor that are left at Hogwarts for the holidays (I wanted to dance around the room when I discovered that Regina had left). My parents have been in France for the past month, and want to stay in Paris for Christmas, hence I was told to stay at Hogwarts for my holidays. I never minded doing that, so I agreed.

Sirius always stays for the vacation; he hates being at home, with the Pureblood Black thing going on all the time, so he looks for any excuse not to be there. Remus likes a quiet environment over Christmas so that he could study, and he stayed every year as well. Peter, of course, only stayed because we were, but that worked – all four of us were going to stay at school, in addition to three of the girls; it would be an interesting Christmas, and I knew it.

In the morning, I had gotten into a bit of trouble for putting insects into Snivelly's pants from Professor McGonagall, but since it was the day before break and Slughorn had implored for her to forgive us (giving Sluggy an early Christmas present always had its advantages), she said that she would deal with us when term started again. I wanted to dance around the school; I was cleared! For then, anyway, but that was good enough for me.

We hung around in the common room today, mostly. Peter had to study for his O. W. L.'s, because Remus had been pretty cranky and wanted him to know at least a little bit before the new term started. Poor Peter had, therefore, been presented with a pile of parchment and was under orders to study through it. He dealt with that while Sirius and I just chatted lazily, and while Remus was starting to recover from his full-moon syndrome, or his FMS, as Sirius put it, in the Shrieking Shack.

"Prongs, I'm bored," Sirius complained eventually. "What should we do?"

"You can do some of this review stuff for me," Peter said from behind his work. "Remus went overboard, and I'm too afraid to put this off, since he's been so unpredictably moody lately."

"It's for your own good, Wormtail," I said, smiling. "Finish it yourself, you nasty little cheater."

Peter scowled at me, but continued to work. Sirius thought for another moment and said, "You know, Peter's right; Remus has been acting weird lately. He's either in a really good mood, or a really bad one. It's really odd – he never does that."

"He's in love with Lily, that's why," I said dully. "We've never seen Remus fall in love, and we've never seen Remus act the way he is – do the math."

"I suppose, but Evans isn't exactly a good candidate," Sirius said. "I mean, she's cute, and a fantastic kisser, but after that, I never saw anything else."

"Shut up, Sirius," I said sharply. "She's confident, smart, beautiful, perfect –"

"All right, all right; we've heard this lecture before, thank you very much," Sirius interrupted, rolling his eyes. "Never mind what I said."

"Lily's pretty sexy," Peter agreed. "But she's so damn exasperating."

"That's the description I was after," Sirius boomed out at once. "Sexy but exasperating. Lily is far from perfect, mate; sorry."

"She is; you just don't see it," I insisted stubbornly.

"James, please," Sirius said. "I respect that you love her, but I think that you should save your feelings for when she actually returns them."

"Next time I see her, I'm going to tell her that then," I decided. "When she comes in this room next, I will tell her that I'm in love with her, and Remus is all wrong for her."

"Don't tell her that," Sirius cried, aghast. "She'll flip out at you, Prongs; don't say that."

"I will," I said. "It's the truth."

"I agree with Sirius on this one," Peter said. "She's been pretty ticked at you lately, and if you tell her that Remus is all wrong for her when she likes him, then you're in big trouble."

"I don't care," I said. "I'm going to tell her how I feel."

It was as though fate needed a sick laugh at my expense at that moment; right after those words came out of my mouth, Lily came downstairs and plopped down on the couch with her book. When she wasn't looking, I threw Sirius and Peter looks telling them not to say anything; I would tell her to come along with me, and I would say what I had to say. They got it; Sirius looked out the window and Peter continued to work on his homework. Kyleigh was coming into the common room as Lily entered it, and what I saw astonished me; Kyleigh threw her the most hostile grimace I had ever seen her give anyone, even though they were supposed to be best friends, before going up to the dormitory Lily had just left. I could see that Lily tried not to look as though this didn't affect her, but it did; she opened her book too quickly, her eyes too bright. I felt awful for her; had she been dealing with such treatment every day since that one stupid night that started this whole issue?

After a bit, I decided to make conversation with Lily, despite the looks I had thrown at my friends, and I discovered that Lily had a Muggle sister named Petunia who hated magic, had a boyfriend, and intended to be a virgin until she was married. Sirius was turned off immediately, of course, and Peter couldn't care less. I just gritted my teeth, got up, and asked her for a word. Courteously, she agreed, and she followed me to an area outside the portrait hole.

The conversation I wanted to have with her was one of understanding, of love, and of lovability – it was a conversation I would never have with any other girl besides her, Lily, and I was all right with that; I just needed to get my feelings out and hopefully have them returned. I had wanted things to click, to work out, and to make things fall into place. I wanted her to forget all about Remus and Chris, hug me, and have life be perfect. They were silly hopes, which I do realize now, but they had been there; that was part of the reason I had been hit so hard by what had actually happened.

In reality, we didn't talk about how much we loved one another. We didn't talk about love at all; we talked about Lily wanting me out of her personal affairs, and about how I had an unrequited love for her still in place. Her exact words before she stormed out of the room were, "I'm tired of this! I'm done! You are the most insufferable, desperately love-sick _moron_ to ever walk this earth, and I've had it! You can't rule my life. You can't tell me what to do, what to say, or who to like. You really drive me insane, James Potter, and I want nothing more to do with you."

Yeah; it was pretty romantic.

I stormed out of the room right after Lily did; she ran to her dormitory, and I took my seat in the common room, positive that my face showed all of my dissatisfaction. A minute or so later, Kyleigh sat down next to me, looking just as perturbed as I was.

"I'm guessing that both of you are having Lily problems," Sirius said wittily, looking from me to Kyleigh.

"Yes," I said, feeling like I was foaming at the mouth. "She's been yelling at me about how she's had it with me; she doesn't want me, an apparently desperate, love-sick moron, to be ruling her life."

"I won't argue with the desperate, love-sick moron part, but the rest of it is bullshit," Sirius proclaimed. "You aren't ruling her life; you're only trying to help her sort the good guys from the bad. You're doing her a bloody _favor_."

"I know," I said. "But she doesn't."

"You know about our thing already," Kyleigh said mutinously. "Everyone does, I expect. I will never forgive her for that."

"Now, now, don't fight with your best friend over me," Sirius said, grinning slightly. "I don't even like Lily that much; she's only just a very good kisser."

"It's not just you," Kyleigh said. "It's more the fact that she stabbed me in the back when she had the knowledge and sense not to."

"Come on, she's your best friend," I said. "She made a mistake, and she's sorry; I bet you anything she'll still send you a Christmas present."

"She does that every year," Kyleigh said.

"She does it for her _friends_ every year," Sirius corrected. "She wouldn't do it for you unless you were her friend. I've never gotten a gift from Lily before."

"Neither have I," Peter volunteered randomly from behind his sheaf of parchment. "Lily hates me."

"Well, still," Kyleigh said. "I have a pride and reputation to defend; I can't go crawling back to her."

"So you're worrying more about what people will think of you rather than your best friend's feelings?" I asked. "That's terrible, Kyleigh; make it up with her, and I'm sure she'll be happy about it – she's been going through a lot." I really couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth; I had been fighting viciously with her moments before, yet I still defended her. I was so screwed up.

"Maybe," Kyleigh said. "After Christmas, I'll try to be friends with her again. When, however, is another story."

I shrugged. "Whatever. Your choice."

I wasn't quite in the mood to argue with Kyleigh anymore; I needed another thinking session. It was so weird, having to have one of those. I never needed them before – I always knew what I was doing. I was James Potter; I never needed to think too hard about my next move. Now, I did. It was a new experience for me, and so far, I didn't like it.

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore; that's the simple truth. I used to know exactly how to woo a girl and get her to do what I wanted, but now I didn't. That frustrates me to no end, really. So much so that I can't even write without wanting to throw this entire book against the wall and put my head down for a few hours. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm turning into a sap. I'm now doing what I used to laugh at – its lunacy but it's not the kind I like. Damn.

Well, it's about time I ponder my next move again; I usually get my best ideas when I sleep, so I'd better try that out. Not only that, however, but I really don't have the strength to cope anymore. Sleeping is an escape for a few hours – I think I can use a get away from life for a little while.

_I'm sure you're probably hating Lily by this point for being so harsh, but think about it for a second – she's utterly confused, she doesn't know James as well as she thinks she does, and she's just annoyed right now. She's acting rashly, I agree, but she has a reason. Be kind to her. X3 But do review! I want to hear your thoughts; that makes me happy, and makes me write a lot faster. :3_


	18. Falling in Love

_A/N: Well, to start, I want to thank you all SOOOOO much! I have finally hit a hundred reviews which, to me, is absolutely phenomenal, and I want to express my sincerest gratitude for your sweet thoughts. :) It really does mean a lot to me. As much as I'd like to, I can't keep my thank you section long, because it's kind of boring, so…back to the story part of the Author's Note. :D_

_This chapter is pretty short, and it's simply to tell you that Lily is falling hard for Remus, and James is falling even harder for Lily. Now, for those of you wanting to see some James/Lily romance action, I'm sorry; that's going to take a while. First of all, Lily has to let herself admit that she likes him – she's super stubborn, so that'll take a while. Then she dreams; she does a lot of that. Then they get together. But all that comes nearer to the end – for now, you're stuck watching Lily fall for the wrong person. So…enjoy! Haha. :P_

**Lily**

December 23rd

Dear Diary,

Today, Remus was the most caring thing that's ever existed. People overlook him all the time because he's quiet, but honestly; Remus is an angel in disguise.

I was sitting in the empty common room earlier this evening, staring at the fire, and feeling generally upset. Remus entered the room then; anyone else would have just passed right by me, but he didn't – he came right up to me, sat beside me, and asked me what was on my mind.

"Nothing really," I lied. "Just thinking about Saturday night again, and about how I'm always fighting with James. It's stupid – I should just get over it, and I know that."

"James and Sirius spend a lot of time debating about those two subjects," he admitted. "From what I've pieced together, it was just a lot of rotten luck; it really wasn't entirely your fault."

"It was," I said firmly. "But it's over now – Kyleigh hates me, and I shouldn't be questioning anything anymore."

"Lily, you're right – you do need to get over it – but you also need to realize that you weren't to blame for every single part of that nightmare. All right, so bits of it were, but the blame lies with more than just you."

"You don't understand," I told him, feeling the desperate need to confess to my sins so that he would see me as the dreadful person that I was. "I kissed Sirius to mess with James's head. I got cocky, I kissed him again, and disaster struck."

"While that intention was not perhaps the greatest, I know that James has done plenty to do the same thing to you; it was not completely unwarranted," Remus reasoned. "You're a good-hearted, self-determining young woman, Lily Evans; don't let one incident ruin all that for you."

I felt the sudden impulse to hug him tightly and thank him endlessly; his words were much more than I deserved. "You think too much of me," I said, blushing. "I'm not all that self-governing or good-hearted."

"You've survived the persistence of James Potter for five years with and without your friends, and still did not give way," Remus pointed out. "That is a feat to be admired."

"How do you do that?" I asked.

"I hope you'll pardon my asking, but what did I do?" he inquired.

"You make me look so much better than I really am," I told him. "How do you do it?"

He chose not to answer my question; instead, he blushed, stood up right out of the blue, and said, "I need to go, Lil; see you later." He left to go downstairs for dinner, but I didn't go; I wasn't hungry. Not for food anyway.

I ended up putting last minute adjustments to my Christmas cards during that time, it turned out. When James began to cross the threshold into the common room, I was putting my gifts into the oversized Christmas stockings we had set up earlier, and I noticed that a miniature sprig of mistletoe was inconveniently located near me.

"Ho, ho, ho, Miss Evans," James drawled, the occurrence from two days ago apparently forgotten, as I crumpled up my present carrier bag. "Happy holidays." He strode over to where I was standing, an enormous grin on his face.

I rolled my eyes, but because I was thankful for being forgiven for my behavior, I said, "Happy holidays, James."

He looked up over my head and, inevitably, he said, "Mistletoe." He pointed at in case I missed it, and his grin, if it was possible, widened even more.

"I am not going to kiss you, James," I said briskly. "You are aware of that, aren't you?"

"Christmas laws forbid you to not kiss me," James said devilishly. "Come here, Miss Evans."

"I'd sooner kiss a diseased frog," I said, turning my face away so that he couldn't pull a fast one on me.

"Awww, don't ruin my Christmas, Lil," James complained. "That's neither fair nor kind of you."

I didn't say anything, but I determinedly kept my mouth away from his, as though daring him to test my limits. James stood there for a moment before pecking my turned cheek and smiling brightly at me.

I stared at him, my eyes wide and thunderstruck; James Potter had kissed me on my cheek! I would have to burn the first layer of skin off that spot now; damn. I couldn't find the right words for my horror, so I said, "Why did you do that?"

"Mistletoe," he said again, pointing at it. "You're supposed to kiss me, but since you didn't, I did it in the only place I could."

"James, when I said I would never kiss you, I meant that you can't ever kiss me either," I informed him. "In the future, stay away from my cheek, all right?"

"I can't resist you, Lily," he said, batting his eyelashes in his flirtiest manner. "Just don't be afraid if Santa comes and takes you out of your bed on Christmas Eve; I asked for you on my list."

I rolled my eyes. "You are completely ridiculous."

"No, just completely love-struck," James said, grinning. "I enjoy being near you."

"Well, then I'll have to cut the fun, because I want to go back to my room," I said. "See you later, then."

I turned away and went to my dormitory, still reeling from the effect of his quick, worrisome kiss. Too many things were happening all at once; it wasn't good for me.

I did notice, however, that for several hours after the mistletoe ordeal, the part of my cheek that he had kissed mysteriously burned me; it was almost like a group of nerves had been displaced by his lips and had gone ballistic – I just couldn't shake the discomforting yet intriguing, diminutive feeling from my face; I feel it even as I write these lines. It's just absolutely senseless; no touch from James Potter should evoke such reactions from my systems. But, at the same time, my systems hate behaving normally nowadays.

I'll end today's entry with my one burning question I'm dying to have resolved – what the hell is wrong with me?

**James**

December 23rd

Dear Diary,

I think I'm losing my mind.

It sounds quite melodramatic, I know, but I seriously think I'm losing it.

Today, I walked into the common room after dinner because I wanted my Fanged Frisbee; Sirius and I were going to play with ours in the Entrance Hall, just because we could. When I reached, however, I saw the delicious sight of Lily Evans, putting presents in the stockings we had in the common room. My common sense screamed at me to leave her alone, but of course, I didn't listen to it; I had spotted some mistletoe above her head, and I couldn't stand firm against my impulses.

I had done this drill hundreds of times with many other girls – it was very easy. All you had to do was greet them with a 'happy holidays,' point out the mistletoe, and insist that Christmas laws state that a kiss must be shared under that plant. By that point, the girl of choice would be leaning in, ready to take advantage, and you would go in for the kiss. I did my first three steps, just like I always did, but then Lily said that she would sooner kiss a diseased frog.

Disappointing? Yes, it was; thank you for noticing.

I requested that she did not ruin my Christmas; it wasn't fair. Of course, fairness towards me from Evans is simply out of the question, and she showed it – she turned her cheek towards me, not letting her lips get anywhere near my face. Her cheek was out in front of me, inches upon inches of sweet, smooth skin – it was beyond maddening. I had to touch it. It was an impossibility to stay away from it. She was being plain cruel; her cheek seemed to call out to me, and I had to answer.

That was why I kissed her cheek.

It was better than I would have imagined. I smelled a faint scent of vanilla cream and flowers, and when my lips touched her skin, I wanted to explode with pleasure. The desires that flooded into my systems…they were crazy. I longed to put my face in her neck, breathe her in, and stay that way for hours. I wanted to throw her down on the ground and snog her until my lungs gave out; it was a violent emotion I never would have condoned, which was why it astonished me so much. I wanted everything from her, in short, and it was all coming in a rush in the space of a few seconds. I could have fallen down with the strength of it all. And all from kissing her cheek!

She was horrified; she asked me why I had done that in a tone of distress and wonderment. I explained that it was the mistletoe – I had kissed her because she wouldn't kiss me. She told me that I couldn't kiss her again and that's when I started to flirt. When I flirted with other girls, it was funny – they laughed and they liked me. Not with Lily; with Lily, my flirting took a turn for the worse, and it sounded cheesy. She just left me by the mistletoe to go to her room, and I wanted to kick myself; I had blown it! Again! I, James Potter, undisputed king of flirting, had failed to entice Lily Evans for the millionth time in five years. How I hated that.

I've realized one big thing about the two of us from this occasion, however – Lily is still determined to hate me, and I'm still determined to change that. We're both two, stubborn, head-strong people with opposing views – it's just a matter of who caves first.

_A/N: You know what to do; press that review button, type me a few words (or more – the longer the better, I say) to tell me what you think! And remember – more reviews, more updates._


	19. Christmas Surprises

_A/N: All right, well, this chapter did not go the way I planned it to go originally, but I think you'll probably enjoy this version of it. :D Anyway, this chapter features a very thoughtful James – one that you're not used to, since he's never done what is going to happen before – and a very confused Lily (again). So…enjoy!_

**Lily**

December 25th

Dear Diary,

I know that Christmas is a generally happy time of year, but my Christmas was anything but merry. It was more screwy, to say the very least; fate doesn't believe in giving me a happy ending.

I woke up this morning to intense sunshine, lots of snow piled up on my window, and the shouts of James's crew in the common room. I yawned, rolled out of bed, tied my hair into a knot since it was frizzy, and padded downstairs in my slippers.

Kyleigh, James, Sirius, Peter, Remus, and Leila were all sitting on the sofas with their stockings, sifting through their gifts, and telling each other what they got. I came down uncertainly when I saw Kyleigh there, but I took my stocking and settled down in my favorite chair in the corner.

James saw me first and yelled, "Come sit here, Lil!" He pushed Peter off the spot that was next to him and patted it, obviously wanting me to sit there.

"Thanks a lot, James," Peter mumbled as he pulled up another chair for himself.

"No thank you," I said timidly. "I'm fine here."

"Don't be stupid," he said, patting the seat next to him more insistently. "Come here!"

I had no choice; I took my stocking with me and sat next to him, blushing profusely. James looked mighty pleased by the small distance between us, and began to go into his stocking.

"Merry Christmas, Lily," Remus said courteously, smiling at me.

"Hey, Merry Christmas, Lils!" Leila said, waving to me.

"Oh yeah, Merry Christmas, Evans," Sirius added through a mouthful of chocolate.

I did notice that Kyleigh said nothing to me. I also noticed that my present was sitting on the ground next to her chair; she had not yet opened it, and if she intended to, she was waiting till the end.

"What's in your mouth?" I asked Sirius.

"Honeydukes chocolate," he said after an enormous swallow. "I got a box from Remus and I needed to start it right now – it was calling to me."

"Couldn't you at least eat in a more civilized manner?" Remus requested. "I even put that in your card – eat it nicely."

"Did you?" Sirius pulled out a crumpled, obviously unread card out of his stocking and scanned it. "Oh, ha, right there. Sorry."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I should have known that I would have to put the card in the box itself, otherwise you wouldn't see it."

"Sirius!" Kyleigh scolded. "Don't chomp like that. It's driving me crazy."

"How so?" Sirius asked with a grin.

"Both ways," Kyleigh answered, smiling flirtatiously.

"What do you say to a special Christmas present tonight in my dormitory?"

"I say that you need to tell me the time, and I'll be there," Kyleigh said, her grin menacing, in a way.

"Deal." Sirius saluted her and stuffed more chocolate into his mouth while the rest of us gagged.

"Open mine first, Lily," Leila said, turning her attention to me then. "It's the one wrapped in gold."

I looked in my stocking, pulled out the gold package, and unwrapped it carefully. In it, I found a clingy black shirt with a deep neck and little room to breathe, which appeared to stop short of my belly button. Sirius saw it and wolf-whistled.

"I can't wait to see you wear that, Evans," he said.

I threw him a dirty look and said, "Leila, it's lovely, but I don't have any place to wear it. The teachers will murder me if I wear this around the school."

"It's for parties," Leila said, smiling. "Like the one that we're going to have for New Year's!"

"Oh," I said, trying not to look too horror-struck. "Thanks for the shirt though." I hugged her, put the shirt back in the wrapping, and put it down next to me.

Peter tore open a parcel and announced that it contained chocolate. "Thanks James!" he said, opening it and munching on a few pieces.

"No problem, Peter," James said, grinning. "All of you – open your black one."

There was a moment of quiet as all of us began to sift through our presents and take out the black one. I was rather touched, to be honest; James had bought me a Christmas present, and I had refused to buy him a thing. I opened the paper more carefully than I would have for any other gift, and discovered a small, thin box. I took off the lid and gasped; he had bought me a bracelet.

It wasn't just any bracelet either – it was solid gold, thin, and very feminine. Intricate threads had been skillfully woven to make a beautiful design, and miniature lily charms hung off of it every few inches. It was the most gorgeous thing I had ever owned, and it was James who had given it to me. He was looking at me expectantly, as though waiting for me to say something, but when I was about to, Leila saw the bracelet.

"What a buy, James!" she squealed, taking it from me and looking at it. "Lily, that's amazing!"

"Holy shit, James," Sirius said, leaning over and looking at it as well. "How much did you spend on it?"

"I can't tell you that," James said, starting to go red in the face.

"Under or over fifty Galleons?"

"Over," James said nearly inaudibly, his ears so red they looked infected.

"I WIN!" Sirius shouted with joy. "Peter, you owe me ten Galleons!"

"Damn you," Peter mumbled, handing Sirius the money.

"Were you betting on how much I would spend on Lily?" James asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said. "Sorry, mate; couldn't resist. And I won!"

While Sirius did his victory dance in front of Peter, Remus opened more presents, and Kyleigh and Leila inspected my bracelet, James looked to me; his eyes were so open and childlike, they made my heart ache.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

"Yes," I said truthfully. "It's the most stunning thing anyone's ever given me. But really; why did you spend so much on me?"

"Because you're worth it," he said. "And because I'm sorry for always bothering you. You never let me say what I wanted to say, so I needed your attention – I got it, and that was the purpose."

I bit my lip. "Well, thank you; so much."

He smiled. "I'm glad you liked it."

I felt like such a horrible, worthless person at that point; James had bought me such an extravagant Christmas present, and I had not bought him anything. There was only one thing he wanted from me, and I decided to give it to him; I owed him that much, didn't I?

"I have something for you too, but it's not something I could wrap," I said.

"What is it?" He was curious; of course he was.

I took a deep breath of preparation, closed my eyes, and kissed him very gently on his lips.

It was the strangest sensation, kissing James; I had given him a five second kiss – two seconds of a light touch, one second of pressure, and two more seconds of a light touch – yet it felt like it had lasted much longer. It was soft, but soaring and wonderful; I'm getting butterflies as I write this now, though it's been hours since the actual kiss. I felt incomparable warmth when we had been connected together that way, and I knew that I liked it much more than I should.

I pulled away from him very quickly (well, obviously, since it was only a ten second kiss) because I was afraid that he would carry it on for longer than I wanted. However, I looked into his eyes, wanting to see his reaction so that I could note it down for later reference; he looked like he had been clubbed over the head with a lead cauldron, to be quite honest – his face was blank with shock. I myself didn't know what I felt about the kiss, so I watched him try to regain his composure.

"Thank you," James said eventually. "That…that was the best Christmas present I've ever received."

I smiled shyly. "Glad you liked it."

He looked shaken, and I could feel my knees wanting to give out; I took my stocking, muttered a quick Merry Christmas to everyone in the room, snatched my bracelet from Leila, and ran to my dormitory like the coward I knew I was. I tried to regain normal breathing, but I couldn't; I had just kissed James Potter. I couldn't believe I had kissed James Potter. James Potter. I wanted to pass out and then move to Antarctica; I would never live this one down.

I opened the rest of my gifts in the privacy of my room; Kyleigh had, predictably, sent me nothing, Leila had given me that shirt, Sirius had sent a card with his picture on it, Peter had sent nothing as well, James had given me the bracelet. The last gift I had was covered in silver paper, and I knew it was from Remus. Eagerly, I tore it open and looked inside; there was a note and small bag of Galleons. This was what he had written:

_Dear Lily,_

_I hope you'll forgive me for my lack of feminine knowledge, but I didn't quite know what to get you for Christmas. I enclosed fifteen Galleons for you to get something of your choice. Merry Christmas._

_Best wishes,_

_Remus_

Okay, so it wasn't the most romantic letter in the universe, but it was something – he had thought about it and even though he couldn't figure it out, he still gave me something, which meant a lot to me. I put the bag of Galleons into my purse so that I would use it when I next went out, and carefully arranged all my gifts in my trunk; the bracelet, however, I kept with me on the bed – that was one I would definitely wear all the time. I put it on, marveling at the effect it had on my bare, thin wrist – it was so classy, yet so casual at the same time. James really knew how to pick his gifts.

I spent a good long time admiring it – the intricacy, the daintiness, and the fine craftsmanship – and, slowly, my thoughts began to drift to the person who had given it to me. I had not expected something like that from James; I had been quite disarmed when I opened his present. I then thought about the 'present' I had given him back; that kiss. I knew why I had done it – to give him something he'd wanted since we were eleven – but what I didn't know was why I felt the way I did as I recalled the memory.

One might say that after such a wonderful and lovely kiss, I would feel happy about my Christmas. Well, that person would be quite wrong; I'm not at all happy. Why? It's because I can't like James! I like Remus! I have been confused before, and I hate it; I thought I had things under control again, and now I didn't. Life was complicated enough without James screwing it up even more.

I don't know what's going on right now, but whatever it is, I wish it would stop and stay put so that I could figure it out.

**James**

December 25th

Dear Diary,

This was the best Christmas ever, and in many different ways.

It was absolutely amazing, and quite informative, once I got to the end. I learned things that classes would never teach me, and I think I understand what a miracle truly is, after the day I've had. Light yet deep, this is one Christmas I know I won't forget in a hurry.

Since it was Christmas morning, I ran down to the common room the moment my eyes opened, and dragged my friends with me. I honestly wanted to see Lily's reaction to the gift I had chosen for her; I was sure I had done a great job with it, and I wanted to know if Lily thought the same.

I had bought her this incredible bracelet a few days back for Christmas – I had felt pretty guilty about being such a pain to her all the time, and I thought that maybe if I gave her a really fantastic present, she would kind of forgive me, or at least know I cared about her. So, because of that goal, I went to the jewelry store in Hogsmeade. There, I enlisted the help of a female employee to help me find just the right bracelet – according to her, girls loved bracelets. When I found the gold one I ended up buying, I instantly knew that it was the one I wanted. Better yet, I discovered that you could attach little charms to the ends – there happened to be a huge variety of lilies to choose from. The woman complimented me on my choice of bracelet and charm, and even gave me a special discount on it. That helped – it was about sixty five Galleons normal price.

When I went downstairs, however, Lily was not yet awake; Leila told me so. She, Kyleigh, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and I all took our stockings, and settled down in the common room to open them, excited as anything; Christmas was such a fun season.

Sirius was the first to open a parcel, and screamed out, "CHOCOLATE!" Like the dog that he (quite literally) was, he tore the lid off of his box and began to wolf down the pieces of chocolate.

"You're welcome, Sirius," Remus said with a grin.

"Sirius, you are such an animal," Kyleigh said, giggling in her usual flirty way. I wanted to giggle as well; she had no idea how close she was to the truth.

"Remus, copycat, I gave him chocolate as well," Peter whined as he began to open his present from Sirius.

"With Sirius, more is always better anyway," Remus said with a shrug, wincing as Sirius began to eat as loudly as he could. "And chocolate wasn't all I gave him."

Peter nodded, understanding the concept, and opened a box from Remus. He pulled out a homework planner, and gazed at Remus with revulsion. "What's this?"

"Oh, it's a homework planner," Remus explained enthusiastically. "James and Sirius – I got you each one too. You can write down all your assignments in it, and every half hour after you write the assignment, it'll buzz; that way, you remember to do it. You can also plan out your O. W. L. studying pattern."

Sirius's jaw dropped, revealing a mass of half-chewed chocolate. "You expect me to _use_ that?" He gestured to the book, which was sitting, graffitied already, on the ground. "I thought it was to entertain me for a few minutes."

I snickered as I opened mine. "Remus, you're daft; I'm not going to use that. Ever."

Leila opened her gift from Remus and laughed. "You didn't know what to get me, so you gave me fifteen Galleons?"

Kyleigh opened hers as well and held up an identical money bag. "Really, Remus – it was sweet of you to think of us, but it's so impersonal!"

"Shut up, Kyles," Leila said, kicking her. "Don't be ungrateful."

"I don't know what to get a girl," Remus said, blushing.

"You could have asked me," Sirius suggested.

I snorted. "Yeah, like anyone would want to; you'd tell him to buy the tightest dress available so that you would have something to look at."

Peter laughed. "I can see that reasoning." He began to suck on a sugar stick that had been included in his box of chocolates.

Kyleigh threw a crumpled up ball of wrapping paper at Peter. "Sick minded buffoon," she said in an accusatory tone.

"Why, thank you," Peter said, grinning, as he ate some more chocolate.

Kyleigh rolled her eyes, went through her stocking a little more, and uncovered a small box that obviously from Lily – it had 'Merry Christmas from Lily' written on a scrap of parchment on the front. Kyleigh looked extremely embarrassed, but Leila and I looked rather pleased.

"I told you that she would get you something," I said. "Open it."

"She told me that she bought you something, even though you weren't speaking to her," Leila said. "I agree with James – open it."

"The chick's just trying to be nice; give her a break," Sirius said lazily while selecting another sweet to consume. "It's Christmas."

"Just see what it is," Peter advised. "And if you don't like it, you can give it to one of us. If it's candy, give it to me."

Kyleigh sighed. "I'll open it later." She put the box on the ground next to her and began to rip open another parcel.

Leila opened her gift from Lily and squealed, "Look! Socks and earmuffs! And look at the adorable card – it sings Frosty the Snowman!"

Sirius checked his stocking. "I didn't get anything from her."

"I didn't either," Peter said comfortably.

"Neither did I," I said. I tried not to look too disappointed, but it was tough; I had tried so hard to get her the best gift I could, and she hadn't even sent me a card. I attempted to convince myself that she had just forgotten or something, but still, I was a little down as we laughed at Peter's chocolate-covered mouth.

We spent a bit more time chatting about presents and what we would do with them (while Sirius steadily ate his way through his box of chocolate), but eventually, Lily descended down the stairs, looking adorable in her pajamas, rumpled hair, and slippers. I watched her come down kind of hesitantly (because of Kyleigh, I figured), take her stocking, and sit in the corner. I couldn't have that; I convinced her to sit next to me. When she did, I remember smelling that vanilla cream on her again, and wanting to put my arms around her warm, limp figure. What wouldn't I give to love her the way I wanted to?

She ignored me, however; she greeted everyone in the room (besides Kyleigh, of course), watched Kyleigh and Sirius flirt, and discovered the true horror of Sirius's chocolate-eating habits. In time, however, she did get to her gifts; she opened the one from Leila first. When Lily unearthed a revealing, tight-fitting black shirt that Lily was supposed to wear to the New Years Party, Sirius had to really try to hold down his laughter; irony was such fun to encounter at times. Lily wasn't exactly pleased with the gift, but Sirius couldn't help but wolf-whistle and say he couldn't wait to see her in it. She gave him one of her famous 'looks' and told Leila that she loved it, even though she obviously didn't.

I was losing my self control though; I had to see Lily's reaction to the bracelet. Once Peter opened his gift of chocolate from me, I ordered everyone to open the gifts I had given them, my eyes specifically on Lily.

Lily finally opened up her box, and she froze; she was utterly taken aback – perfect. She gazed at it in stupefaction, but after a moment, Kyleigh and Leila pounced on it and began to squeal about how lovely it was.

"How much did you spend on it?" Sirius asked after he took a look; he had been the one I had complained endlessly to when I couldn't find a good gift for Lily, and it was inevitable that he would be curious about it.

"I can't tell you that," I said, feeling myself blush; Lily was in the room! I couldn't say how much I had spent!

"Under or over fifty Galleons?"

"Over," I said as quietly as I could, hoping I didn't look too embarrassed in front of Lily.

"I WIN!" Sirius yelled out happily. "Peter, you owe me ten Galleons!"

"Damn you," Peter said, glowering as he gave Sirius the money.

"Were you betting on how much I would spend on Lily?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said, unrepentant. "Sorry, mate; couldn't resist. And I won!"

The two of them began to argue about their bet then; Kyleigh and Leila were fawning over the bracelet, Remus was trying hard to ignore everything, and Lily was just sitting there, watching as well, with a blush on her cheeks. I decided it was time to take action.

"Do you like it?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, her voice was strong – she truly meant what she was saying, which thrilled me to no end. "It's the most stunning thing anyone's ever given me. But really; why did you spend so much on me?"

"Because you're worth it," I told her, honesty getting the better of me. "And because I'm sorry for always bothering you. You never let me say what I wanted to say, so I needed your attention – I got it, and that was the purpose."

"Well, thank you; so much," said Lily.

"I'm glad you liked it."

"I have something for you too, but it's not something I could wrap," she said.

"What is it?" My lie had been right after all! She _did_ have something for me! I was burning to know what it was.

Lily took a deep breath, seeming to ready herself, and then leaned forward towards me. I couldn't believe it; was she going to kiss me? She was; I couldn't believe it. She came so close, I could hear her breathing; her scent was so gorgeous, I feared that I would go insane. I closed my eyes and waited for her to finally touch me – I had been waiting so long, and here it was; the one thing I couldn't have but wanted most of all.

When her lips touched mine, I knew that I was entering the realms of something unknown. Kisses meant nothing to most teenagers – including me, most of the time – but this wasn't just any kiss. It was real; it had to be. Blood rushed through me, adrenaline flowing at rapid rates, and I wanted to pull her down next to me and do it for hours. It's so difficult to put something so beautiful into words, but it was almost like when you finally scored your first ten points in Quidditch – you had been trying for ages to soften up that Keeper, and when you finally did, the reward of glory and goal-completion was enough to make you go completely mad. I probably sound like a dork, comparing the unsurpassed kissing expertise of Lily Evans with Quidditch, but it's the only way I can think to describe it – Quidditch and Lily are all I live for.

She let go far too quickly; I had my drug, and now that it was taken away, I was left with only the memory of it. She ran upstairs straightaway, leaving me there with my friends; I had never wanted to be with them less, really. To me, the kiss had dragged for such a long, brilliant time, but to them, it hadn't been anything – none of them had even seen it. It was amazing how, only moments before, I had been with those people and enjoyed myself, and now I didn't want them to be there anymore – I wanted them to give me Lily and then leave me alone. I sighed, took my things, and went to my dormitory as well; I would talk to them later, when I was less dazed. Maybe I would even tell them about it. It all depended, really; life seemed to be seen in a new light after my mouth had touched Lily's.

I can't even write anymore; Lily is on my mind still, and I think I'll just dream about her again. I'm feeling so weird – it's like a hangover, changing reality into something you didn't expect. My stomach is still churning, my adrenaline is still pumping, and my mind is still replaying that kiss over and over again; I feel like a new person, somehow, and it all came from five seconds with Lily Evans. Maybe when I understand what this is about, I'll write out the explanation, but for now, lets just say that I need to pace my room a few hundred times while contemplating my Christmas a little bit more.

_Well, did you enjoy it? I hope so! Leave me a review, and then I'll try getting Chapter 20 up. :P_


	20. Thinking of You

_A/N: This is probably the shortest chapter I've written for the diaries so far, and it's probably going to be the most frustrating as well. Read Lily's entry and you'll see. But anyway, this chapter is the one before the Remus/Lily relationship is figured out – once and for all – so enjoy this and I'll try to get Chapter 21 up soon!_

**Lily**

December 27th

Dear Diary,

I don't have much time to write at the moment, so this will be short, but I've sorted everything out _finally_. I put a lot of thought into my plan of action, and now that I have it together, I want to write about it – it seems that when I write everything down, I see it more clearly than when I envisioned it in my mind.

Anyway, so I've decided that I love Remus, not James.

My reasoning is this; Remus is sweet and has held my interest ever since James formed his miniature four-person clan. James wasn't anything more to me than a flirty jerk – a jerk who recently gave me a breathtaking Christmas present, now. I did kiss James, and I did love it, but a kiss is nothing. I'd liked my kiss with Sirius too, hadn't I? That meant nothing; I didn't like Sirius, despite our kiss. James is probably the same way – he has never really meant that much to me. Besides, he's only on my mind because he's a major pain, not because I like him; there's a difference. That's the difference that has helped me pick a guy to go after – my heart is now set on Remus.

Today, however, something did happen with James. It was in the common room this afternoon; he and I were in the common room while Remus, Peter, Sirius, Kyleigh, and Leila were outside in the snow. Leila had asked me to come along with them, but I said no thank you – I wanted to read my book; I was pretty sure that was why James said no as well. We sat in silence by the fire together – I was immersed in my book and James was eating chocolate while playing with his yoyo.

Eventually, though, James asked, "You're wearing it?"

"Pardon me?" I looked up, tearing my eyes off the page in my book to give him a confused look.

"You're wearing the bracelet I gave you?"

"Of course I am," I said. "It's my favorite present out of all the ones I've ever gotten."

James smiled, obviously pleased. "I like that."

"You would," I said, going back to my book.

"Lil?"

I looked up again. "Yes?"

He smiled. "I'm glad you like your bracelet."

I couldn't help but give him a small, passive smile back. I started to blush then, for what seemed to be absolutely no reason; mortified, I got up and scurried over to my dormitory, being a coward again like I usually was. What could I say? I was screwed up beyond belief, and I didn't like confrontation or showing people that I was embarrassed – running away was just so much easier. I know I'm a scaredy-cat, but what can I do? I'm Lily Evans, Queen of Confusion, and running away is what I do best.

Leila has actually been begging me to snowball fight with her again for several weeks now, and she's about to go, so I'm going to join her. I'll write again when I either have the time, or if something huge happens. Lately, I'm not quite sure which happens more often – life is weird right now.

All I can be sure of now is this: Remus is the one I care for, and not James.

**James**

December 27th

Dear Diary,

It's like I'm floating; floating on my personal dream cloud, in a perfect bubble of a world, content within myself…and Lily, of course. It's so strange – I've never felt like this before. Normally, I'm just me, banging around with life as I usually do, but now it's something different. I can actually _feel_ myself changing, _feel_ it all taking place before my very eyes. Normally, I don't realize things like that until the very end, when I'm forced to think about it. Lily just has that effect on me, I suppose. Maybe that's why I love her so much – she can change me in ways no one else can.

I don't know…it's like I'm falling more and more in love with her as time goes on. Every time I look into those green eyes, I see so much – I can't even explain it. When she smiles, it's as though nothing is wrong in the world – all that matters is that beautiful smile, warming me inside in a way no one else can do. She means the world to me – truly, she does – and she doesn't even know it.

I've noticed more mood changes in me lately; sometimes I'm so happy, it's as though my heart will explode with all that pent-up emotion. Other times, I'm restless; I want to run around the world four times over, but I'm not able to. I want everything, but I can have nothing. There are often times when I'm so depressed, it's like a dementor attack – there's no happiness in my world, and everything seems to go wrong. I also have this screwy angry thing going on too – it's as though I have this flame wanting to burst through, and I want to yell and scream for hours at everyone and everything around me. These strange, wild feelings take me over all the time, and so suddenly/frequently; I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, and that's usually when I feel restless and rather helpless. I've never been like this before! Why now?

I think its being in love – really in love – and not having the feeling requited. Love makes people do crazy things, which I'm fully aware of, but it's even worse when the feeling isn't returned. Then it's like a hopeless effort that you feel stupid for making – why do it if it won't work? Yet, even after realizing that, you keep it up anyway. I've done that with Lily Evans for five years, but I'm still completely in love with her – just as much as I had when I was eleven.

Love; what a weird emotion. Is it even an emotion? I think it's a disease. Yeah; a really horrible disease. It makes me live only for those little glimpses of Lily – seeing her run away from me into her dormitory, her smile when Leila says something unintentionally funny or the wrinkle of her nose when Sirius says something perverted. I crave those moments; I wait for them, I drink them in, and I keep watching them over and over again in my mind's eye. Pathetic? Yes, I am. Those are only little flashes that I see of her – they last less than ten seconds, half the time, yet they mean so much to me. Being in love is so completely demented, especially when those feelings are for someone as perfect and fantastic as Lily.

Take today for example; I had a simple conversation with her, and I was constantly thinking of it after it happened. She had been sitting in the common room with me (I had chosen not to snowball fight because I had wanted to stay back alone with her – I told you I was pathetic) earlier, and I told her that I was glad she was wearing the bracelet I had given her. She just ran off after that, like she always did, but her facial expressions were on my mind nearly neurotically – it was unhealthy, really, but it didn't matter as much when I was actually dreaming opposed to when I was thinking about my dreaming. That probably made no sense, but then again, none of my insanely protective feelings for Lily make sense.

Everyone sees me as James Potter, the guy who plays too much Quidditch, is handsome, hilarious, and tricky; however, lately, I've realized that I'm James Potter, the guy who plays too much Quidditch, is handsome, hilarious, tricky, and utterly obsessed with Lily Evans.

_A/N: Yes, I was contrasting their emotions on purpose – thanks for noticing! Anyway, leave me a review and I'll see if I can write Chapter 21 as fast as I can. :D_


	21. Not Quite Happy New Year

_A/N: Another super long, sort of pivotal chapter! Yay! Haha, this one took ages for me to finish since there was so much going on, but it's done! I'm actually going on vacation on July 20th, and tomorrow (July 18__th__) is my birthday, so I won't be able to get much updating done until I come back, which is on July 27__th__. Sorry about this! I left this chapter off at the end of this term, and the new term will start again when I get back from vacation – the rest of the school will be back, and we'll have to see what happens next! Lol well, enjoy this chapter – James's is pretty happy, but Lily's is a bit different._

**Lily**

January 1st

Dear Diary,

Today is the start of the new year, obviously. I just got back from the party that everyone but me threw in the common room this evening, and it feels like just like Halloween, only it's infinitely worse.

At about nine, Leila and I began to get ready for the party; Kyleigh had gotten ready earlier and was downstairs with the boys, probably flirting the night away. Leila slipped into a dazzling magenta dress with a low neck that fell just below her knees, let her hair loose over her shoulders in curls, and looked as though she had gotten her make-up professionally done. She tried to do mine, but for once, I stood my ground and did not let her unleash her products over my face. I did let her work some magic over my tumbleweed-like hair though, and for once, it laid stick straight across my shoulders, like hers always did. I loved it; Leila won a few hundred hugs at that point.

For me, Leila insisted that I wear the black shirt she had given me for Christmas. I wanted to wear a camisole beneath it – I was in no mood to have my chest so exposed on New Year's Eve – but Leila wouldn't have it; "The shirt was made to make you look sexy, and you need to let it do its job," was her reasoning. We argued about it for a little while but Leila won; I wore the shirt with a short black skirt that Leila blackmailed me into putting on. I truly hated her at that moment, but I didn't tell her that.

I went downstairs to the common room then, where the music was already playing, and Sirius was (as I had suspected) flirting with Kyleigh. James was playing with noisemakers and blowing them quite loudly, while Leila laughed at him; it was a tiny party, but it was by no means a dead one. I surveyed the room, pulled my shirt down a bit, and walked in, hoping I didn't look too unexcited about it. Leila saw me first, stopped laughing with James, and hailed me over to where she was standing; I joined her at once, seeing as I had nothing else I could do.

"Leila, I've barely been here for a minute, and I already hate it," I said in her ear.

"Oh relax, Lily," she said back. "Loosen up – go dance with James."

"I don't like James; I will do no such thing," I said, watching him start a crazy jig with Peter. "Besides, he looks happy as he is."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, darling Remus isn't really into this whole party scene either." Leila pointed at Remus, who was staring moodily into the fire, completely ignoring the party. I sighed at the sight of him and turned to Leila again.

"I know exactly how he feels," I said. "Should I go talk to him?"

"Not yet," Leila said. "Right now, its ten o'clock – talk to him at eleven thirty, and then bring him out so that we can open the new year together."

I nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."

We stood back then, chatting about how much Sirius flirted with Kyleigh, and how they would make a good couple. Leila munched on éclairs most of the time while I sipped butterbeer – we did that a lot at parties so that we could get ourselves to dance more later; we told ourselves that we had to lose the weight from the snacking, and that got us out there. I glanced at the clock a lot though, watching the minutes crawl by; at eleven eleven, Leila poked me and said, "Make a wish!"

I thought hard about it; what did I want to wish for? Well, I wished that Remus would love me as much as I loved him; would that work? I looked over to Remus, who was still motionlessly watching the fire, and made that my wish – I closed my eyes and wished that Remus would fall in love with me and be the one to open my new year with a kiss. Not on the cheek, but on the lips – I wanted a real kiss from Remus, because he was the one I had chosen, out of all the other boys I knew.

After that, Leila announced that she was beginning to feel her sugar high coming on, so she bounced over to the dance area, leaving me alone on the side. Unaffected by this, I simply took another glass of butterbeer; Leila could dance all she liked, but that didn't mean that I would join her.

Soon, James approached me, which was pretty much inevitable when I was standing alone in a very tight shirt. He grinned at me and asked me to dance. I said no, of course not, and he merely shrugged.

"That's a pity, Lily – just one dance?" he asked, offering me his hand like Chris had done so many months before.

"No thank you," I said.

James gave me his puppy-dog pleading look like he usually did when he wanted something from me, but I refused to budge. "Please James," I said. "I don't want to dance right now."

"Why not?" he asked. "Is something wrong?" He looked so interested; I just couldn't understand why – there was absolutely nothing extraordinary about me, yet he always seemed to take the trouble to talk to me and ask me about my life. I wish I knew why – he obviously saw something in me that I wasn't aware of.

"No, nothing's wrong; I just hate dancing," I said.

"That's fine; I'll lead," James bargained. "You won't have to do anything; I promise."

What the heck, I thought. I'll give the guy break. "Fine," I said. "One dance."

James's face lit up. "All right." He took my hand and led me out to the middle; once there, he gave Peter a jerk of the head, and Peter changed the song to a slow one. I could see Leila giving me a thumbs up from the side while mouthing good luck and Kyleigh was too busy smiling at Sirius to care about me. Sirius noticed us about to dance, dragged Kyleigh to the side to get her a drink, and put a fist in the air; that must have been his way of saying good luck. Remus even turned to look at us, his expression showing mild interest; my heart skipped a beat, but I looked up at James – he was my dance partner after all.

The song that began to play was one I recognized, which was good. James put one of his hands on my waist, and smiled at me; he was exactly the right height for me, I realized. Through the first verse, he twirled me around, but always brought me right back to him almost immediately; that made Sirius whistle more than once. During the chorus, he didn't let me get more than an inch away from him; he only let me have some breathing space in the second verse. I wanted to break free of the dance, tell him that I was not enjoying being so close to him, but I couldn't; James's grip was pretty strong, and everyone was watching – I didn't want to embarrass myself. So, somehow, I put up with the rest of the dance – it wasn't as hard as it could have been, because James was true to his word and didn't make me lead or anything. The last note struck and everyone on the side applauded us; James grinned and let me go finally, and I took in a few breaths of air, thankful that it didn't have the scent of James's cologne in it.

"That wasn't too bad, was it?" he asked.

"It could have been much worse, but I didn't appreciate being so close to you for so long," I told him honestly.

James laughed. "You're absolutely absurd, Lily; did you know that?"

"You might have mentioned it once or twice," I said. "Three tops."

He smirked, his eyes twinkling. "I love you, Lily."

I blushed, but chose not to respond. He was expecting that; he watched me for another moment before changing the song to a much faster one, and letting everyone come back to enjoy themselves. I knew that it wasn't eleven thirty yet, but Leila was busy and I had nothing to do – I went to sit beside Remus on the sofa where he was back to looking at the fire.

"Hey," I greeted him, smiling awkwardly.

"Hi Lily," he said, smiling back. "What happened?"

"Sorry?"

"Something bad must have happened to you if you got bored of the party and came here," he said. "I'm not exactly doing anything earth-shattering, am I?"

"Oh. Well, nothing happened; I wanted to know why you weren't enjoying the party," I said.

Remus shrugged. "I don't like parties."

"Neither do I," I said. "I'm only here because Leila forced me to."

"James said that I was too boring for my own good, Sirius agreed, and Peter dragged me down," Remus said with a rueful laugh. "That's the story of my life when it comes to these sorts of events."

"Kyleigh usually tells me that I'm boring, Leila agrees and puts me in the most obnoxious dress she can find, and both of them drag me down," I said. "What horrible friends we have."

Remus laughed. "We do have horrible friends."

His laugh made my smile a little warmer, and I gazed at him for a few moments, lost for words. Then I suggested, "Shall we go to another room for a little while, to privately talk about how terribly our friends treat us?"

"All right," Remus said pleasantly, standing up. "Where to?"

"There's a small room outside of the common room," I said. "We can go in there."

"That sounds good," Remus said. "Lead the way."

I checked once to make sure that no one was watching (they weren't), and took him out of the portrait hole to the room where James and I had argued a few days before Christmas. I sat down and he sat next to me, smiling.

"So Lily…how are things? Really?" he asked. He sounded concerned; I loved that even though I hadn't really suggested it outright, he could spot that something had been going on.

"I've been confused recently, but I think I've got it all figured out," I said truthfully.

"Really? What were you confused about?" He was still worried about me – how adorable was he?

"Oh, nothing really," I said, trying to blow it off – the real reason was so melodramatic and humiliating.

"You can trust me," Remus said, shyly and rather cautiously taking my hand. "Whatever it is, know that I'll try my best to help you."

He was trying so hard to be there for me, like I had always wanted him to be, so I decided to entrust him with the ugly truth.

"Well, its pretty much James that had been bothering me," I started off.

Remus smirked slightly and said, "I suppose in some ways that that's understandable. How so, in this case?"

"I suppose I was kind of…scared," I said. "I was scared that I liked him more than I had before. He…I didn't know what it was, but he just seemed to be on my mind more than previous occasions, and I didn't want myself to feel that way." As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I couldn't believe them; they couldn't be right! I had sorted all that out last night! But then I realized that they were true – by some means, I had gotten the right words out, and Remus was looking at me thoughtfully.

"So you're the girl who's trying to fall out of love," he said, somehow able to summarize my agony into one simple phrase.

"Yes," I answered him, relieved that he understood what I was feeling to some extent. "I don't want to love him; there are so many better boys in Hogwarts to like." As I said that, my voice strengthened and started to sound more spirited; this was where I was now – looking for a better boy. Well, I'd found him, but for the situation, what I was saying worked. "I mean, there are other smart and sensitive guys here that are so much more my type – people more like _you_ are just so much more…pleasurable to be around."

Oops; in my momentary cockiness, I had accidentally said something stupid. Immediately, Remus went beetroot red and I realized my mistake too late. "I'm so sorry," I muttered, blushing. "That was tactless and I shouldn't have said that."

"No, it's fine," Remus dismissed, still very pink in the face though. "It's just that no girl has ever told me that they find me…likeable, in that sense."

"Really?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me. "You're an absolutely lovely person, Remus. You're just so patient, unassuming, and understanding – we need more people like you in the world. I don't know why such a decent, down-to-earth guy like you would hang out with arrogant airheads like James and Sirius."

I was starting to get pretty open about my crush on Remus; was he as horribly aware of it as I was? I wasn't sure; he began to redden, but smiled modestly at me. "I do appreciate that you feel that way about me, but yes, I do enjoy being around Sirius and James. You see, those two are really insightful, dedicated, considerate young men when you get them alone. If you let them wreak havoc together, however, they are the insane, immature 'airheads' that you are familiar with."

"I've spoken to both of them by themselves, but they're always the same idiots that I have learned to loathe," I said, frustrated. "I'm still not sure why you put up with them, or why so many girls are in love with them."

"Have you ever considered that maybe you see James and Sirius as morons every time because that's the way you _want_ to see them? Have you ever thought about giving them a proper chance?" Remus asked me, his quiet voice wise. "You probably feel like you're confused about James because you've seen through the stereotype you've put him boys into – that's my guess."

I frowned, realizing that he was right. "I have never really wanted to give them a proper chance," I admitted.

Remus's smile turned very kind and he said, "That's what I thought. Why don't you try _accepting _James? I'm sure that if you gave him even half a chance, he'd jump on it and you'd see instantaneous results."

"That's just it," I told him. "I don't want to do that because James isn't my type, and I'm not his type either; I'm _still_ trying to fathom why he takes any interest in me at all."

"I'm curious then," Remus said, his voice still quiet, but now embarrassed as well. "What kind of boy _is_ your type?"

Answering his question took a little extra thought on my part – no one had ever asked me that straight out before. I had a response, but it required an honesty I wasn't sure I could give. I decided that then was the time to confess though, since I'd nursed my crush for such a long time, so with a face colored deep scarlet, I said, "Well…someone like you."

Instantly, Remus was just as scarlet as I was. "N, no, I'm _not_ your type. You have no idea…"

"No idea about what?" I asked. His words were cutting me; what was he talking about?

"No idea about who I am," Remus said at last, after an uncomfortable minute of silence. "I assure you; I am the worst possible candidate for you."

"And you're going to try feeding me a line about how James is a good candidate for me, aren't you," I said bitterly.

"He's better for you than I am," he said again. "I won't deny that you are a lovely person though – you are – I just don't think I like you that way, or the way you think I do."

His statement, yet again, baffled me. "Well, you always blushed a lot around me, and you acted all weird…Remus, I do like you very much."

He looked lost for words; I was putting him in a bad position, and he was rather nervous. However, I decided to trust my impulse; I came forward suddenly, and kissed him.

It was both more and less than I had thought a kiss would be. It was less in the sense that it was brief (scaredy Lily struck again) and I pulled away quickly, and it was more because I had not expected to like it so much. Remus was such a bashful, gentle soul, and I guess I had always half-expected him to vanish in a puff of smoke; this time, he stayed put, and that was enough to scare me away.

"Lil, James is going to kill me," Remus told me faintly after a moment. "I'm not really the right person for you. You trust me, don't you? Then trust me when I say that we can't do this – I can't even think of you as a girlfriend; you're only ever going to be a close friend who happens to be a girl."

I couldn't say anything; how could he do that to me? I had chosen him. I had loved him passively for ages. With just a few words, he was shattering everything; it just wasn't fair.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but we could never be in a romantic relationship together," Remus went on, not looking at my face as he talked. "It's too complicated – James's crush on you is a factor to consider as well, seeing as he is one of my very good friends."

"James has nothing to do with you and me," I whispered in a hollow voice. "A relationship should be determined by feelings, not the people around us."

"Lily, this just won't work," Remus repeated, his tone sounding fairly agonized. Or maybe I was confusing it with my own. "Don't make it harder than it needs to be."

"Is this because you hate me, or is it because of James Bloody Potter?" I asked, tears beginning to well up in my eyes.

"I will never hate you," he assured me. "You are beautiful, clever, charming, and everything a boy could ever hope for. It's just that I'm not that right boy."

"Remus," I said, my voice pleading. There was so much that I wanted to say – that I liked him more than I'd ever liked any other boy, that he couldn't just break my heart like he was on New Year's Eve, that I had given him every ounce of emotion I could spare – but I couldn't say any of it. We heard the clock start to chime as well as excited titters from everyone else a few feet away; midnight was nearly there.

"I'm sorry, Lily – truly, I am," he said apologetically, his eyes finally meeting mine. "We just can't do this." He left the room, his eyes averted from me, and I could feel my insides start to fall apart. He left the door open so that I could go out as well, but I didn't – I was incapable of speech by that point, and Leila would expect me to scream when twelve o'clock came around. I wanted to scream, definitely, but not for the new year.

I felt myself fall to the ground, since my legs were no longer in the mood to support me, and I lay there – I just lay there. My hair was fanned out all over the place, and I curled up into a loose ball, distraught beyond words. I didn't have any energy anymore; the world seemed to be crashing down on me, and all I could do was let it happen while hoping for the best. I couldn't remember how to breathe. Maybe I just didn't want to remember. Either way, my breaths were shallow, and I wanted to lay there forever – I could sleep forever, and no one would notice. I knew that somewhere in these thoughts, though, the year began; an eruption of cheers came from the Gryffindor common room suddenly, and I could hear the simultaneous wail of noisemakers from where I was. They were just meaningless noises to me – my heart was broken, and the pain of it was starting to consume me.

And, while my peers opened the year with kisses, drinks, and laughter, I opened mine with a single tear down my cheek, alone on the floor in an empty, isolated little room.

I cried for what felt like ages in that tiny space; my tears were seemingly endless, and I just didn't have any energy left in me. Some time around two in the morning, I picked myself up somehow and took to my bed. Kyleigh and Leila were already sound asleep, but I couldn't sleep at all – I wrote everything down in you, my diary, and tried to feel better. I couldn't though – it seemed that love always evaded me whenever I thought I had it (one example being Chris, who never spoke to me since the Firehouse incident), and that was probably the biggest thing that hurt me when Remus rejected me; it was that, in my game of love, I had lost once again. Let me make this very clear; there is no pain in the world than the pain of not feeling loved.

I think that sleep may be good for me right now; yes, after this, I will put these muddled, hurt feelings to rest and maybe – just maybe – tomorrow will be a better day.

**James**

January 1st

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year!

Haha, I'm pretty excited at the moment; I had an excellent New Year's Eve. Kyleigh, Sirius, Peter, and I planned the party we threw, excited as anything that we had an excuse to make as much noise as we wanted all night long – that was always good. Screw all my weird emotions – New Year's was my time to have fun, and I did.

"We'll need _lots_ of butterbeer," Sirius announced earlier in the afternoon, just after lunch, when we were assigning jobs for the party. "Pete, can you get that?"

"Done," Peter said, grinning.

"How do you get butterbeer if Hogsmeade is closed for the holiday?" Kyleigh asked.

"We have our sources," Sirius said airily, flashing her a wide smile. "Go now, Peter. Grab James's cloak from the dormitory."

Peter nodded and scampered off to the dormitory; after a couple of minutes, he ran back down and escaped through the portrait hole. Meanwhile, Kyleigh took out a box of trick blowing gum from Zonko's (Sirius and I had bought it enough to recognize it) and began to chew on some of it. Sirius saw it and jumped up wildly, pointing at it.

"Where did you get that? I've been looking for that gum for ages to send to my cousin Bellatrix; she hates the stuff – so why the hell are you eating it when it's a prank?!" he shouted.

"I love it," Kyleigh said with a shrug. "It was actually my Christmas present from Lily – she got me an enormous box, since she knows that I live on the stuff." She did turn pretty red as she said that, and I liked seeing it; Lily was fantastic, and if she could make Kyleigh remember that during a fight, then I was satisfied.

"Forgive her already would you?" Sirius requested. "She obviously still likes you, if she gave you a box of nearly impossible-to-find gum."

"I want to, but I don't know how to say it," Kyleigh fretted. "And, I mean, she may not even want to accept my apology; if it was me, I know that I wouldn't."

"Come on, Kyles; it's _Lily_," said Sirius. "She's so easy-going; she'd probably forgive you for murder."

"The poor thing is sorry – give her a break, like we've said before," I said. "You're making excuses now; you're perfectly aware that she'll welcome you back with open arms. I love Lily, and I just hate seeing her as awkward as she is around you."

"All right," she said. "I promise that some time in January, I'll try to make it up to Lily, but she had better apologize – what she did was pretty low."

"She has apologized," Sirius pointed out. "Or, at least, she's tried to. But that doesn't matter at the moment," he said, suddenly changing the subject. "Party details! Peter's off getting the butterbeer; should I ask the house elves for some chocolate?"

"Sounds good," Kyleigh said, seemingly happy to get off the topic of her best friend. "Chocolate, butterbeer…what about music?"

"I can bring out my music player," I said. "Sirius has some tracks we can play, right?"

"Definitely," he said. "Including a mushy slow one I found over the summer for you and Lily to dance to."

"Lovely," I said, grinning. "This should be good fun, wouldn't you say?"

"Hell yeah!" Kyleigh said, punching the air with her fist and laughing. "I love New Year's. Sirius, will you kiss me when midnight comes around?"

"Sure," he said, his grin almost menacing. "But only if you dance with me."

"Okay!" She laughed again.

"So, is Kyleigh officially Conquest #55?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said, putting his arm around her shoulders. "She is."

"We're going out now – we decided it last night," Kyleigh explained, beaming. "Sirius is my new boyfriend!"

At that moment, Remus walked in, looking rather tired. While Sirius began to kiss Kyleigh, I turned to him and asked, "Bloody hell, you look awful; what's wrong with you?"

"I was up doing O. W. L. practices since five," Remus said, his sentence interrupted by three yawns. "I'm tired. Are you going to throw one of your bogus parties again?"

"Yeah," I said. "We are, and you're coming."

Remus sighed. "Fine. Whatever. But don't expect me to do anything rash, all right?"

"Wouldn't dream of it, Reemy," Sirius said randomly, breaking apart from Kyleigh for a moment to say it.

"Don't call me that," Remus said with a frown.

"Then come to the party," Sirius bargained.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay."

Sirius winked at him and began to kiss Kyleigh again. I laughed at the three of them, and said, "All right, so Remus, can you be a peach and run down to the kitchens to tell the house elves the food we want for the party?"

"What do you want for the party that I need to alert them about?" he asked, sounding quite displeased.

I summoned a piece of parchment with my wand and began to scribble down the snacks I'd had in mind. I handed the completed list to Remus, who took it grudgingly to the kitchens. Just as he left the portrait hole, Peter returned, holding several cases of butterbeer.

"Thank you," I said, taking the drinks from him and putting them on the side. "Now find the tables, Wormtail; we need to get those set up for tonight as well."

"Sure, Prongs." Peter saluted me and began to dig through the cupboard on the side, looking for the foldable tables Sirius and I had stolen for our constant usage in first year. I watched him for a few minutes before pulling Sirius away from Kyleigh.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I need to borrow my best friend so that he can show me the music he has," I said to Kyleigh.

"All right," she said agreeably. "Sirius, come back here when you're done."

"I can do that." Sirius flashed her another grin before following me up to the dormitory.

We spent the rest of the afternoon simply getting things ready. Sirius ended up having some killer music in his trunk (it took a while to find though, since it was buried under mounds of dirty clothes Sirius had been too lazy to toss into the laundry) and we spent a memorable afternoon playing with streamers and various other decorations. Kyleigh kept flirting with Sirius and distracting him from the work we actually had to do; I often threw something at them to get their attention, because it was the only way that worked. Peter helped as well, but Remus preferred studying throughout the decorating process – no amount of teasing or ridicule would change that, either, which was greatly aggravating to Sirius and me.

At long last, nine o'clock hit, and we began the music player. Sirius was completely uninterested in anything that didn't involve flirting with Kyleigh, which was kind of weird for him, but he had tons of fun dancing with her. Kyleigh had no problem staying less than inch from Sirius for pretty much the entire evening, and I found myself a bit jealous – why couldn't Lily get that close to me without flinching? I would have to test that out when she came down; Sirius had promised that he would get everyone out of the way when Lily and I took a dance to the song he had picked for us.

Remus turned out to be quite boring during the course of the party; he refused to associate with us at all. He sat on the couch and watched the fire, and whenever Sirius or I asked him to join us, he said no. Peter tried to drag him over, but Remus shot him with a hex; Peter did not try that again. I asked him why he didn't want to have a bit of fun, and he answered quite shortly.

"James, I'm not in the mood, all right? You're all dancing, flirting, and eating – not my idea of fun."

"I'm not flirting – that's Sirius," I said, gesturing at him; indeed, Sirius was letting Kyleigh feed him an éclair, and looking quite smug.

"Once Lily comes down, you'll be flirting," he pointed out.

"True, but I really want you to do something exciting tonight," I insisted. "Are you upset that you don't have a girl to flirt with?"

"No, it's not that," he said impatiently. "It's nothing – just leave me alone."

"Geez Remus; feeling a little grumpy today, are we?" I asked, grinning slightly.

"Yes, I am," he said. "I think I like a girl, but I'm trying to convince myself that I don't."

"Ooh, who is it?" I asked with interest.

"Never mind that," Remus said dismissively. "I've tried to keep myself away from her in recent days, but I just…I don't know…I think I like her, and I am trying to distance myself from her – it's just harder than I thought it would be. I remind myself of the very large reasons why I can't be with her, but it somehow doesn't matter – I like her anyway."

"That sucks," I said sympathetically. "Who is it? Why can't you date her?"

"First and foremost, I am dangerous," Remus said. "I would put her life in danger all the time. Secondly, I don't date – just, as a rule, I don't date. That's for you and Sirius, not for me. Thirdly, I can't seem to think of her romantically. I know that I like her, and I want to be with her, yet she doesn't seem to be that type of person for me. The fourth reason is one I can't tell you."

"That's mighty frustrating," I complained. "But the rest of it…mate, if you really like her, she's worth a bit of risk, isn't she? You never know what your relationship could be until you try it. Maybe she is your romantic match."

"She isn't – she can't be – but I like her anyway," Remus said. "This is all new to me, Prongs; this is the first time I've ever felt like this. I can't seem to love very well."

"Who is she, Moony?" I asked again. "Maybe if I knew who she was, I could help you."

"I can't tell you who she is," Remus repeated. "But right now, I'm in a very strange, uncharacteristic mood, and I really can't be bothered. Do you mind if I just stay with my thoughts for now?"

"Okay," I said. "And if you want to chug some butterbeer or dance or something, come out and do that, all right?"

"Thanks," he said, giving me a small smile and gazing back at the fire. I shrugged, walked back to where I had been standing before, and took out noisemakers. I blew them and Leila began to laugh as I did; that always spurred me on to clown around a little bit more, so I did – she loved it. And, at that exact moment, fate handed me the thing I had been wanting all evening – Lily; she descended down the steps into the common room, looking as beautiful as always, and took refuge next to Leila. Once her friend was there, Leila was no longer in the mood to laugh at my jokes; instead, I changed the song to a crazy jig, grabbed Peter's wrist, and we began to dance.

Peter is, and always has been, the worst dancer to ever exist; he kept stepping on my toes and tripping over his own feet. I tried to look as though I was having a good time, but in actuality, I was wishing that Lily would dance with me instead. I endured one song with Peter, a few with Leila, and several on my own, but all I could do was think about her. It was torture, having Lily stand there and talk to Leila while I was trying to distract myself; eventually, I let my instinct get the better of me, and I went to talk to her.

"Hey Lily," I said in my smoothest voice.

She rolled her eyes. "Hi James."

"Do you want a dance?" On a sudden inspiration, I remembered what that rat Chris Daniels had done to win a dance with Lily – he had acted all formal, and held out his hand. I decided to try it, since I had nothing to lose, really, but she still said no.

I needed to have a dance with her – Sirius had the song and everything ready! In desperation, I put on my irresistible puppy face, but still, she said not now. There was something in her eyes when she said it though – it was like she had someone else on her mind, which was why she was declining me. She looked almost worried; that aroused my curiosity, and of course, like it always did, that curiosity got the better of me.

"Why not? Is something wrong?" I asked.

"No; I just hate dancing," Lily said. That one I believed – Lily had never liked to dance – so I decided to strike a bargain.

"I'll lead then – you won't have to do anything," I promised. "Just one dance?"

"All right then; just one dance," Lily agreed reluctantly. Thrilled, I flashed her a smile reminiscent to the ones Sirius constantly threw at Kyleigh, and took her to the middle of the dance area. I jerked my head in Peter's direction – I had told him that when I did that, he had to put on track six, which was the song Sirius had picked for Lily and me. Sirius made sure the area was clear, put his fist up in the air to wish me good luck, and even Remus gave me a meaningful look from his spot on the sofa. Excited, I took her hand in mine, and put my free arm around her waist. She didn't look particularly happy about that, but she allowed me to, which definitely made me happy.

The song started up, and I thought about Sirius's dance with Kyleigh – the proximity between the two of them had been very close, and I had liked seeing Kyleigh's eyes light up whenever Sirius was right in her face. I tried that – I didn't let Lily get too far away from me during the whole dance, and that served me quite well. She wasn't too pleased about it – she told me after the dance was over – but it still meant the world to me that I had gotten at least one dance to do what I wanted.

I told her I loved her, once the song ended – I couldn't help it, she had said something unfairly adorable – but she blushed and scurried over to Leila. I saw her say a few words to her, then move over to Remus. Seeing her willingly sit with him and smile at him made my stomach rage with jealousy again, so I ignored them while dancing my heart out to a faster song – that was usually my method of feeling better in such a situation, and it worked.

At eleven fifty-eight, Sirius called to Peter, Leila, and me (Kyleigh was still obviously latched to his side) to start grabbing a drink to toast the New Year. I took a bottle of butterbeer and prepared to open it when midnight struck when Remus walked in, looking miserable.

"Bloody hell, Remus, you look awful," I said. "What happened?"

"Nothing," he muttered. "I can't tell you now, but I'll be all right later."

"Here's a butterbeer," I said, handing him a bottle. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to – you're still pretty upset about this girl, aren't you?"

Remus nodded. "You have no idea."

"I know how that is – I've hit bad luck with Lily Evans since I was in first year," I said. "You'll be fine; you can tell me all about this problem and this girl when you want to." It was New Year – I was feeling pretty kind.

"Thank you," he said, opening the cap of his butterbeer. "Is it time?"

His question was answered by Sirius shouting, "Three, two, one, HAPPY NEW YEAR!" He and Kyleigh clanked their bottles, took a quick sip, and kissed to open their year. I drank a sip as well, hugged Remus, Peter, and Leila, and looked around.

"Hey, do you guys know where Lily is?" I asked.

"She'll be in later," Remus said, his eyes pained. "She isn't here right now."

"Oh, okay," I said. "Where is she?"

"She's in the bathroom," he said. I knew he was lying, but I didn't want to press him further – some instinct told me that Lily needed to be left alone, and Remus wasn't in any condition to be questioned. I shrugged and shouted along with Sirius, who pounced on me with a bear hug, wishing me a Happy New Year.

We all laughed, drank, and ate for a little while longer before retiring up to the dormitory. It was only one in the morning by the time Peter, Remus, Sirius, and I got into our pajamas to go to sleep, but we figured we'd get up in a few hours to celebrate more. Peter and Remus fell asleep first, followed by Sirius (who had been chattering away about what a good kisser Kyleigh was with me), but not me; I knew I had to write about all of this. I had a great New Year's, which proved that though my emotions have been screwy lately, they haven't been controlling my life. Today, I'd had no mood swings and no strange urges for wild behavior, which was awesome. I'm feeling a whole lot better – the goofball James Potter is finally back! I'm glad; the moody James Potter was annoying.

I'm feeling quite hyper after all the butterbeer I consumed during the evening right now, so I can't write too much more – I have to bully my body into sleeping. But, never fear! The new term is going to start again in a few days, the rest of the school will come back, and I'll be sure to write again with more insane pranks and moves on Lily Evans.

_A/N: Okay, I've been terrified that Remus was out of character for this chapter, so I'm going to take a quick second to explain why he acted the way he did – he told Lily that he couldn't be with her because of James, and because he couldn't think of her romantically. He was really confused about what he should think of Lily, and that made him quite agitated, especially since he couldn't tell anyone. So please don't think that he's out of character! He was written that way for a reason, but I needed to clarify that real fast. :D But I hope you liked the chapter! I'll update the next chapter in quite a long while, so review and tell me what you think of this one so that I will have reason to hop right back online when I get home and update like crazy:P_


	22. Greetings and Worldly Advice

_A/N: Hey everyone, I'm baaaack! Lol I'm home and ready to update (nearly) everyday again. :D I had a lovely vacation – I wrote a lot, haha – but it's good to be home. But now it's the new term for the kids at Hogwarts, and we need to check in with Lily and James to see how they're holding up. They've got their own love lives to deal with – Lily's being Remus, James's being Regina – and this is more of a briefing chapter, since you don't know the aftermath of Chapter 21 yet. :) Chapter 23 is another shorter, briefing sort of chapter, and Chapter 24 will start the story back up again – bear with me!_

**Lily**

January 10th

Dear Diary,

Term started again today, but I've been really busy anyway; that's why I haven't been able to write in ten days. I've found a fresh wave of O. W. L. practice papers; it's hard, but I know that doing all of that preparation will pay off when I take my exams. It's also distracting from the torture of real life as well – things haven't gone too well since New Year's.

Remus hasn't spoken to me at all; that was the biggest thing that came out of that night. He didn't look at me or talk to me again, and that hurt – even though there was nothing we could really say, it would have been nice if he could be a friend again. Apparently not. I still thought about him a lot though, and I wished that we could have worked out, but I realized that I should have known better than hope; my life doesn't really have a happy ending as a rule.

James, Peter, and Sirius have been pretty normal since New Year's, which is almost a relief, considering how much everything has been changing for me lately; Sirius ignores me to flirt with Kyleigh and James tries to hit on me every couple of hours. However, there is something different about that flirting; it's almost as though James is watching me carefully, noting down everything I do for future reference, and it's quite disconcerting. I ignore it though; there's no reason to get hung up on it, and there is certainly no time – my work has been keeping me up to my usual all-night hours.

Today though, when everyone was coming back into the castle, Chris sought me out. "Hey Lily," he said evenly, smiling at me as he hugged me. "How were your holidays? Did you have a good Christmas?"

"No, I didn't," I said. "But thanks for asking."

He looked pityingly at me. "What happened?"

"It's nothing," I lied. "But you do realize that this is the first time you've spoken to me since that Firehouse thing, right?"

"I do realize that, and I'm sorry," he said. "Listen – why don't we go out on the twenty fourth, to Hogsmeade, and I'll explain everything? I know that's a day we're free; I checked the calendar."

I didn't really want to go – not after my ordeal with Remus – but I couldn't think of a reason why not that I could tell him; I shrugged and said, "All right. Fine. Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Yes, I did," said Chris. "I missed you though."

I highly doubted it, because of both his lack of communication for about a month and his tone of voice – amused, mockingly serious – but I still pretended to blush, and forced my mouth to twist into a smile, which was not something I had done for what felt like ages. He bought my pathetic attempt; with a smile, he patted my shoulder and walked away. I wondered what I had ever seen in him as I walked off as well; the world and everyone in it seemed so different since Remus had denied me. Love does that – it makes things better or worse than normal depending on how much you're feeling for someone else – until you're not really sure what reality is anymore. I've experienced that a lot and it feels awful; your brain feels like an over-squeezed sponge and you long for simplicity again. But, of course, with me, life can never be simple. I figured that one out a while ago.

Snape bumped into me as I wandered upstairs like a lost ghost, and he gave me a shy smile. "Hey," he said. "Had a good Christmas?"

The honest answer was no, but I couldn't say that – not to Severus. That was why I cleared my throat and said, "Yes. You?"

"Not so much," Snape said with a shrug. "My parents spent a lot of it arguing over anything they could find, but it was all right."

"I'm sorry about that," I said, and I found that I meant it.

"It's not that big of a deal – I'm used to it," Snape said. "So what did you do?"

"I stayed here," I said, starting to walk with him. "Hung out with Kyleigh and Leila, tried not to get too annoyed with James, Sirius, and Peter…" I purposely left Remus out of my list.

"That Potter." Snape spat bitterly on the ground. "How I hate him."

I nodded. "Same here; but he did get me a nice Christmas present, so I suppose I somewhat forgive him."

"Don't be fooled," Severus warned. "He's very good at doing that, and I would hate it if you were trapped in his clutches."

"I'll be fine," I said. "I know how to take care of myself." That wasn't as true nowadays, after what happened on New Years, but I had to say something, didn't I?

"Okay," Snape said with relief. "But I really have to go – bye."

"Bye," I said, letting him wave and leave me. I thought on it no more, since I generally didn't like Snape, and walked up to my dormitory. There, Kyleigh and Leila were sitting, talking, and I stopped at the door like I always did when I saw that kind of a scene. This time, however, when Kyleigh looked at me, her eyes weren't their usual glaciers; she looked softened, which was a pleasant surprise.

We stared at each other for a little while, unsure of what to say, before I said, "Kyles, if you want me to leave, tell me."

"No, Lils, I wanted to talk to you," she said. "Come sit?"

It had been such a long time since I'd heard her say that; I sat, and I waited for her to speak again. Kyleigh took a breath and burst out, "I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry I was so mean to you that night, and I'm sorry I was mean to you after it too. I was just ticked! Can you blame me, after what you did?"

This was rather unexpected. "I'm sorry too, Kyles," I said softly. "I…I don't know what came over me. He was there, he was flirting with me – _me_! – and I couldn't help it. I wanted to upset James, like you said, and…I don't even know anymore." My easy tears were back as I remembered flashes of what had happened at the Firehouse – Kyleigh's angry face, James's horrorstruck one, the look on the bystanders' faces – I still wasn't quite over it, though I tried to be. Yeah, baby me, all distressed about one night. Well, that's me – I'm like that, and it's pathetic. That was probably why Remus didn't like me; that thought made my tears overflow at last, and Kyleigh hugged me – carefully, yes, but still hugged me.

"Lils, can we just be friends again and forget about that incident?" she asked.

"I'd like that," I hiccupped.

Leila looked at me sort of critically. "You've been weird after New Years – all weepy and depressed. Is there something wrong? Anything we can help you with?"

I felt so vulnerable as she said that; I knew it was noticeable how horrid I felt, but I just couldn't tell anyone about what had happened with Remus. I let another tear fall and shook my head. "I'm just not feeling well; I think I'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" Leila asked anxiously. "Lil, if you have something going on, you should tell us about it."

"We're here for you," Kyleigh added. The look in her eyes clearly showed that she was sorry that she'd done such a poor job of it, but I turned my head away, a few more tears falling.

"Not now," I wept. "Maybe another time."

"I think it's all these O. W. L. practices you insist on doing," Leila said, stroking my hair. "It's not a good idea to use those all the time; it makes you busier than you already are."

"It'll pay off later," I said feebly. "It's not the work…I really need to be alone."

"Sure," Kyleigh said, patting me on the shoulder. "See you later, Lils."

Leila gave me another sympathizing look, but left the room with Kyleigh; they left me in the dormitory, where I cried freely. I don't even know what all I cried about; I cried about Remus mostly, but I also cried because I was feeling besieged and because I hated the memories of the Firehouse that kept coming back – pretty much, I cried because too much changed too quickly when I wasn't ready for it. I cried my eyes out for a few minutes, and then looked at the bracelet hanging on my wrist. I touched one of the charms, feeling drained, and thought of James. I don't know why I did that – probably because it was him who had given me the bracelet – but his face popped up in my mind's eye. I didn't want to see it; I put my face into the blankets on the bed and cried a bit more.

When I resurfaced, I felt exhausted; I knew that my eyes were probably red and puffy, and my nose was running a little. I got up with great difficulty, washed my face, and took you, my diary, out to write it all down. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you; you know everything, and you can't judge me – you make me see myself more clearly than I ever would have before without overwhelming me. It's amazing what one little book can do for me, really; I feel a tad better now, when I thought I never could.

I desperately need to get to my work now though, which I've just realized, so for now, let's just hope that I can get through a few more days without bursting into tears and startling my friends.

Then, maybe after those few days, I can try making it through the rest of my life. Not bloody likely, but I need to find some optimism somewhere, don't I?

**James**

January 10th

Dear Diary,

The new term started today, after a lovely vacation, but I didn't want it to.

See, normally, it's fun when the rest of the school comes back to the castle, but it wasn't this time; there was too much I wanted to do that required free time and my friends. Remus was troubling me; he was troubling me quite a lot. I finally figured out what was wrong with him – it was so damn obvious, and I couldn't see how I missed it – and I needed to talk to him about it; I just didn't have the right opportunity. Plus, having everyone back meant that reality was back as well – lessons, O. W. L. lectures, work – and, of course, Regina; I really didn't want Regina back.

She was the first to find me though, when I was lingering in the Entrance Hall; she bounced over, kissed me on my cheek, and greeted me by saying, "Hello James! How are you?" I tried to say all right, but she interrupted me the moment I opened my mouth. "Glad you had a good time. Anyway, I went to Rome, and I visited all of the most expensive shopping plazas there…"

Regina proceeded by boring me out of my mind then, by going into a monologue about her numerous shopping sprees; I was only saved the torture by an extremely frustrated Professor McGonagall.

"Excuse me, Miss Masters," she said, cutting into our – her – conversation effortlessly. "I need to speak to Potter. POTTER! I've been looking for you everywhere, all day!"

"Yes Professor?" I asked, glad for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life to be in trouble and have her come to yell at me.

"Potter, I have not forgotten about that detention for putting insects in Severus Snape's pants," McGonagall told me severely. "See me in my office tonight, at seven, and we will discuss your punishment."

"Okay," I agreed. She nodded curtly and left us again. Regina tried to continue her speech, but she was distracted by her friends, who were trying to flag her down. She abandoned me at once, thankfully, to boast her adventures to those poor girls while I went to find my friends; that was the best part of start-of-term – you could find everyone and talk all you wanted without getting in trouble.

I found Sirius first; he was in the common room, chatting with a few girls. When he saw me walking in with a dark expression though, he shooed them away and cleared off a space for me to sit. He grinned at me, and asked, "So Prongs…what's going on with you? You look like you missed an opportunity for the Quidditch World Cup."

I exhaled angrily and recounted Regina's ambush downstairs, and when I finished, Sirius snorted quite loudly. "Prongs, you really need to get rid of that girl."

"I know," I said with a groan. "But how?"

"Tell her that she's a right bitch and be done with it," Sirius said with a shrug. "That's how I got rid of conquests 4, 9, 12, 19, 22, 24, 31, 38, 46, and 50. Or was it 51?" Sirius thought on it for a moment, but said, "Either way, there's nothing to it; you say what you have to say, the girl cries for a day or two – three tops – and she gets over it. You don't have to deal with her and life goes on."

"I just can't do that," I said. "I need a valid reason to break up with a girl."

"So her rotten personality isn't valid, but the cause of Lily Evans is?" Sirius asked, eyebrows raised. "Mate, that's pretty screwed up."

"I know, but she's just so difficult to break up with," I said. "She's like one of those boomerangs – no matter how far you throw her, she always comes back to bite you. And, if you recall, I've already tried to call her a bitch; it doesn't work."

"Oh, you mean the day we were putting porridge in our noses?" Sirius laughed as he remembered. "Well, then just tell her that her bitchiness has made it impossible for you to put up with her."

"Won't work," I said gloomily. "I'm done for. And Lily is so unhappy these days! That makes me unhappy too, which isn't good; Regina picks on things like that."

"Evans again!" Sirius smacked his forehead with his hand. "Forget about her, please! It's so damn aggravating!"

"I'm in love with her – I share her moods, Padfoot," I reminded him. "And what's with Remus, come to think of it? He's all dejected as well."

"You know they liked each other," said Sirius. "Maybe one of them made a move and it didn't work out."

"Can you honestly see Remus making a move on Lily?" I queried. "I mean, really make a move on her? Not going to happen."

"I think he might have," Sirius said.

"No," I said, starting to get annoyed. "He can't have."

"Ask him then," Sirius said, pointing at Remus, who was sitting moodily on the sofa. "And tell me if I'm right or not."

"Deal," I said. Sirius nodded, and I went to sit next to Remus. He looked up at me, and I saw what I had been seeing each day after New Years – a blank slate with very little emotion. I didn't like to beat around the bush – which Remus did know – so I decided to plunge right into what I had to say; it was going to be a painful conversation – I knew it from the start.

"Listen Remus, I've been thinking a lot about your mystery girl, and how you've been acting lately, and I think I want to talk to you about it," I began.

Instantly on his guard, Remus said, "Okay…sure, I suppose."

"It was Lily," I said in a rush. "I knew that you liked her before, and on New Year's, I was too tired and stupid to realize she was on your mind again."

I'd done it – I had the truth; only the truth could make Remus blush so pink. He cleared his throat with some noticeable difficulty and asked, "How long ago did you know?"

"Ages, mate," I admitted. "It's just that I never thought you'd make a move."

Remus didn't even make a face at me; he just sighed and said, "I didn't – she did. She liked me, just as I'd secretly wanted her to, but I blew it – I rejected her."

I couldn't believe it – Sirius had been right; quiet, relationship-challenged Remus Lupin had rejected the unmatchable, implausible Lily Evans. For a second, I thought he was lying, because it was just impossible, but at the same time, there was no other explanation for Remus's chicken-in-the-rain expression and Lily's low mood. I swallowed thickly, and inquired stupidly, "You really rejected her?"

"No James – I destroyed her," Remus burst out; feeling had finally broken through the mask that had become his face lately, and he appeared to be tormented. "I liked her, she liked me, and I refused to be her boyfriend. She's such a sweet, trusting girl, and I broke her heart on New Year's Eve; I can't think of a greater sin."

I put my arm awkwardly around Remus's shoulder, shaken. "Listen Moony; I know that you feel awful, but…things like this happen, where you screw things up with a girl you like. You'll both be okay." It was so eerie – the day had come when Remus needed my help getting over Lily Evans. What was wrong with the world?

"I'm not worried about me – I'm worried about her," said Remus. "What should I do? She doesn't let it show as much, but I know that she's down, and it's all my fault."

"This isn't something you need to help her with," I said. "When you break up with a girl, you can't help her heal – it'll only make things worse. I mean, you'd give her the feel that she could still have you, when she knew, at the same time, that she couldn't – she'll only fall harder. I would know – I've done this before; leave her alone right now."

"That makes sense," sniffed Remus. Then he smiled slightly. "This is odd though; it's like we've switched roles, Prongs – you're normally the confused one, and I'm the one that's advising you."

"It _is_ odd," I agreed, wrinkling my nose. "You falling in love? Didn't see that one coming. Especially since it was Lily that you chose."

"You're not mad at me for that?" he asked in disbelief.

"Well, a little, since you've made her feel so terrible, but I'm not really mad," I said. "You feel bad enough, and it didn't even work out anyway – I might have had more of a problem if it worked."

"Oh," said Remus; there wasn't really anything better to say anyway.

After a few minutes of deep deliberation, Remus said softly, "We really are growing up, James; I've had my first stab at love and found out I'm horrible at it, and you've finally found maturity." He thought on it a moment and amended, "Well, some, at least."

"Gee, thanks." I chuckled and then said, "Nah, I see what you mean. Damn; I didn't want to be mature until seventh year."

Remus smiled. "Well, like it or not James, you're becoming more of an adult."

I made a face. "Let's get off this disheartening subject and get a snack from the kitchen, shall we?"

"No, I have O. W. L. stuff to get to," Remus said. "You go; I'll be up here."

"Sure you don't want me to get you anything?" I asked.

"Yeah, thanks." Remus gave me a quick smile before pulling out his books.

I shrugged and left, trying to examine the strange feelings going around in my head. Remus had said we were starting to become more like adults – were we? I suppose I was; I had never really given suggestions the way I had to Remus before. It was a very startling thing to be told you were becoming more mature; I mulled this point over in my mind as I walked up to the kitchens. I didn't want to grow up; I wanted to be young and crazy for a little while longer without the obstacles of being an adult. Yeah, so maybe my thinking processes were changing – that didn't have to mean anything, did it?

Ugh, damn; see, this is what I meant – things become really problematical when you think too much, like adults do. I want life to be simple again, but somehow, I think I'm now past the point of no return.

Joy.

_A/N: Again, similarities and differences are being drawn out in this entry; hope you could see them! But yeah, Remus is kind of breaking out of his shell finally, and James is starting to change even more noticeably, while Lily is starting to plunge into her personal depression. I'm now home, like I said, and I should be able to update quickly once again – you're going to see more chapters coming up as soon as I can get them up. :D_

_By the way, thank you SO MUCH for your reviews! I mean, really – as I write this paragraph, I'm at 172, which, to me, is incredible. Keep it up; I love hearing from you all!_


	23. Absolutely Done

_A/N: All right, change of plans; after reading through your reviews, I've decided that you were all correct – Lily's going too soft, and the story needs to pick up again. I had some doubts about posting this version of the chapter, since it's another dramatic one and I just don't like how I wrote it, but I decided to it was better than the other one – it'll all make sense in the next chapter. And since it's a bit unclear right now, I want to explain my reasoning for Lily being the way she is – I'm trying to make these characters as "real" as I can, and that means that they'll have huge, annoying faults, since they're not perfect. I chose self-doubt as Lily's and arrogance/pride for James – they'll get over it, but it'll take some time, since they're in the middle of a mess. They look different as well, from the other's point of view – they're both quite biased – so you have to develop your own idea on how they "really" are. :P But don't worry – it'll get fixed later as they develop more as characters._

_Side note: Going Under and All That I'm Living For, both by Evanescence, as well as Never Again, by Kelly Clarkson and When It All Falls Apart and Leave Me Alone, both by the Veronicas, were the background selections I used to write this chapter, in case you care. Leave Me Alone in particular helped majorly with how James felt. ;D_

**Lily**

January 13th

Dear Diary,

Normally, I'd ask what was wrong with me; but, right now, I know what is – I just can't fix it.

I'm a coward – that's what's wrong with me. I'm a coward, and I can't pull myself together. Girls get their hearts broken all the time, and they can get back on track – I can't see why I'm not able to. Well, yes, I can, but I can't do anything about it; every time I see Remus, I always feel something going on in the pit of my stomach, and I try to run away – I don't like that feeling. It kind of makes me feel nauseous, really. It's easier not to deal with it, and for once, I chose the easy path. Then, I wonder, why does it still feel like I'm doing something wrong? Why do I feel like there's something else I'm supposed to see, that I'm just not seeing? What is it? Who is it? It's so frustrating – why can't things be clear-cut so that you don't make any mistakes?

I was brooding over these thoughts when I saw Chris earlier this morning in the Entrance Hall; he was laughing with some of his friends. However, when I walked by, he bounced right up to me, and said, "Hey Lily."

"Hey Chris," I said back, giving him my fake smile; I was getting better at those.

"So, do you want to hang out with me and my friends tonight?" he asked, gesturing to the small group of jocks he had been with. The thought of being alone with them for any period of time was enough to terrify me, so I said, "No thanks."

"Why not?" he inquired. "It would be fun. You don't really know my friends – I already know yours."

"Not tonight – I have work to do," I said. "O. W. L.'s and all that – you know."

"Oh yeah," he said. "Well, that stinks. See you later!" He went back to his friends, and I left the scene; I didn't like those jocks – I recognized the blonde one who had tried to flirt with me at the pool party Kyleigh had thrown in November. It was a good thing if I was away from them.

When I was leaving though, I accidentally walked straight into James Potter, and we both fell on the ground. James looked at me curiously, and I said, "Sorry."

"Its fine," said James, still looking at me in that odd way as he helped me up from the ground. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, definitely," I said. "I fall down a lot – it's not a big deal."

"Well, I'm glad to know you're okay from the fall, but are you okay generally too?" His voice was rather anxious. "You've been…different lately."

"Have I?" Internally, I was cursing him; why did he have to be bloody observant when I didn't want him to be? I wanted to fade into the background for a little while, but no – James has to notice me.

"Yeah, and I know why," James went on.

My heart literally stopped for a moment. "You do?"

"Mhmm," said James with a nod. "Here, let's talk privately." He took my hand and led me to the side of the Entrance Hall, where there was a small passage that was currently not being used. When he got us there, he turned me to face him and looked me in the eye like I had yearned for Remus to do before; that thought made me bite my lip and hold back tears – I still wasn't sure if I could get over him.

"Lil, Remus told me about what happened on New Years with you two," James said, cutting straight to the point as usual. "I'm so sorry about it."

The fact that James Potter, of all people, now knew about what had gone down that night gave me the strength and defiance I had missed for the past fortnight; I looked at him furiously and asked, "He told you?"

"Well, I figured out the main idea, but he told me the details," James said. "Lily, are you all right?" It was the second time he'd asked me that; didn't he get it? I was _not_ okay, and I would never tell him that.

"Yes," I said, putting all my remaining energy into an almighty glare. "Leave me alone – I don't need you to baby-sit me. We've been through this before – I can handle myself alone."

"I don't think so," said James. "You've been pretty down lately."

"So I'm upset! It doesn't matter!" I shouted at him suddenly, instantly feeling better now that I could scream away all the pent-up feelings I'd been hiding for what felt like such a long time. "I'm going to be okay, and I can do it on my own! Are you trying to doubt my capability to keep myself afloat?"

"No, of course not," he told me hastily; he was obviously frightened by my outburst, and that inspired me to continue.

"Then why do you keep asking me if I'm okay?" Yeah James; answer _that_.

"Because I care about you," James said simply. "That's just how it is. I want to know if you need me."

"I don't!" I yelled, feeling tears brimming in my eyes. Frustrated, I tried to hold them in and continued to gaze at him in anger. "James, leave me alone!"

He stood, motionless, in front of me while I literally shook with emotions I could no longer contain; he looked almost tired, but then there was a glint of anger in his eyes too. "All right," he said finally. "I'm done. I'll leave you alone. It's apparent that you're too damn stubborn to be reasoned with, and I'm not going to bother this time."

"I may be stubborn, but you insist on fussing over me!" I cried out. "I don't want that! I want…" I almost said I wanted someone to love me, but I knew it sounded far too babyish – not to mention melodramatic – so I cut myself short and said, "I want to be left alone. I don't want you to be into my business all the time. So you know about Remus and me! So what? It didn't work out, did it? There's nothing more to be done, and especially not by you."

"I know you're distressed over this whole affair, but that's no reason to tell me off," James said icily. "I don't fuss over you either – I just check in with you to see if you're okay. That's common courtesy."

"I'm not bloody distressed!" I lashed out at him, a tear finally escaping from my eyes; I brushed it away quickly though, hoping he hadn't seen it. But he had; his eyes softened ever so slightly.

"Lil, can you be rational now? Please?" he requested.

"NO!" This word was the one I bellowed the loudest; people turned to stare at us, but it was irrelevant – I wasn't even sure what was coming over me. All I knew was that I was angry, and I needed to leave. So I did; I turned on my heel and stormed up the stairs, distraught. In what felt like a blur, I glided through the corridors, trying hard to contain my tears as people watched; why did they have to look at me? There were other people in the school – why was it me that they took an interest in? I got through the portrait hole, ignored all the Gryffindors who began to whisper about the prefect, Lily Evans, about ready to bawl, and went into my dormitory. I took refuge on my bed; I put my face into my pillow and hugged it tightly.

James didn't look or talk to me the rest of the day; he didn't flirt either, which provided some relief. However, his silence spoke louder than words; he was really annoyed at the things I'd done earlier. I felt bad, somewhere deep down, but I didn't say anything. I _couldn't_ say anything – the bracelet he had given me kept feeling heavier and heavier, and with the combined weight of my existing guilt, I was surprised the school didn't cave in. It was so weird – I was filled with so much anguish, remorse, and helplessness (which made me feel angry – really angry, like I'd felt when James had been questioning me), yet I couldn't release any of it in a healthy way. I wanted to cry my eyes out, but that desire sickened me, because it was such a babyish thing to do. What could I do?

I wanted someone to be on my side. That's all. Just someone I could trust with the dirty details – someone who would be able to somehow give me what I needed to be normal again. I adore Kyleigh and Leila, and I would trust them with everything…except this; this is something that Kyleigh and Leila can't understand. Somehow, they just aren't the type of people I could trust with what was going on. I would be in it alone, it seemed. Just like I'd told James. Alone. How daunting it sounded when that evil little voice in the back of my head said it.

I'm done, diary; I'm done with everything, like James is. I'm going to ditch the rest of my classes today, and I'm going to sleep. It's just not worth it anymore.

**James**

January 13th

Dear Diary,

I never thought the day would come, but I'm seriously pissed at Lily Evans.

It started off this morning, after my detention; McGonagall decided that since I seemed to have such an interest in bugs and Herbology, I should help clean out the greenhouses with Professor Sprout after the first years were done without magic. It was no picnic – those first years really know how to make a mess – but I finished it fairly fast, because I'm just madly awesome like that. After I was done, I joined Sirius, Remus, and Peter in the common room, and we went down to class together. Nothing much happened then; things obviously happened, but they're not worthy of mention, since they were not important.

During my break – when the whole ordeal with Lily happened – I had been hanging around near the Great Hall; I was bored, and I couldn't really talk to my friends. I was in a weird mood – all I desperately wanted to do was see if Lily was all right. I still cared about her, and seeing her so wounded frightened me – I was dying to see if she needed any help. But how would I ask? Even when she wasn't on top of things, she still had a wicked temper.

I thought about this as I walked moodily down to the Entrance Hall; I was so lost in my own world that I walked headfirst into Lily herself. We both fell to the ground, since we had both not been paying attention, and I looked at her, startled. Lily looked awful up close – she appeared to be tremendously exhausted, and as though she had just thrown on some clothes in the morning without bothering to brush her hair or anything. I stood up and helped her up as well, but I kept my gaze questioning all the while; what was she hiding from the world?

"Are you okay?" I asked once she was ready to leave.

"Oh yeah, definitely," said Lily. "I fall down a lot – it's not that big of a deal."

"Well, I'm glad to know you're okay from the fall, but are you okay generally too? You've been…different lately," I said. Once that one came out of my mouth, I had Lily's attention; she looked at me with horrified astonishment.

"Have I?"

"Yeah, and I know why." I couldn't help saying that – I did know, and I felt pleased because I knew that she didn't want the reason to be common knowledge around the school.

"You do?" Was it just me, or did she sound scared?

"Mhmm." I felt so proud – I knew! "Here, why don't we go over there and talk privately?" I gestured to a corridor on the side of the Entrance Hall which Sirius and I used a lot when we wanted privacy. Lily shrugged and let me lead her to it; once we were there, I turned her so that she was looking at my face. I never liked to beat around the bush – ever – so I started off by saying, "Lil, Remus told me about what happened on New Years with you two, and I'm so sorry about it."

"He told you?" I'd done it; I had confirmed her fears, and she was now absolutely furious – I had been right to be afraid when I was thinking about confronting her. All the lethargy so clear on her face moments ago vanished as she realized I knew what was supposed to be a secret.

"Well, I figured out the main idea and got him to tell me the details," I corrected, so that Lily wouldn't be too enraged with Remus. "Lily, are you all right?" I had already asked this question, but I had not gotten the very specific answer I wanted.

"Yes," she snapped, her glare still very nasty. "Leave me alone – I don't need you to baby-sit me. We've been through this before – I can handle myself alone."

Uh oh; she was starting to take this the wrong direction. However, I felt it was important to tell her what was on my mind. "I don't think so; you've been pretty down lately."

"So I'm upset! It doesn't matter! I'm going to be okay, and I can do it on my own! Are you trying to doubt my capability to keep myself afloat?" Now she was getting hysterical and rather loud – not good at all. But somehow, at that point, I couldn't get mad at her; she was troubled to the point of near-insanity, and she was Lily – my Lily. That was why I tried to fix the situation by saying, "No, of course not."

"Then why do you keep asking me if I'm okay?"

"Because I care about you; that's just how it is. I want to know if you need me." That was the honest truth – it was my reasoning for everything I ever did for her. However, in that situation, it was the wrong thing to say, because she got even more frenzied.

"I don't need you! James, leave me alone!" Tears were in her eyes – and I could see them – and I just hated tears. After they started to come to me at times, I couldn't stand too much of them. My annoyance level began to rise; she was always so rude. She never let me help. She never let me do anything – she just blew me off every single goddamn time I tried to do something for her. I was sick of it – it was neither fair nor sensible. I knew what was going on – it wasn't like I didn't – and I made allowances, but I couldn't allow her to talk to me that way. I straightened up then, and kept my eyes hard.

"All right," I said at last. "I'm done. I'll leave you alone. It's apparent that you're too damn stubborn to be reasoned with, and I'm not going to bother this time." After those words came, I couldn't believe it – had I really said that? Was I really done with Lily? It couldn't be possible – I was in love with her! I couldn't be done with her!

Lily didn't share my views though. "I may be stubborn, but you insist on fussing over me!" she shouted. "I don't want that! I want to be left alone, and I don't want you to be in my business all the time. So what if you know about Remus and me! So what? It didn't work out, did it? There's nothing more to be done, and especially not by you.

That was it. She had me pissed. Who the hell did she think she was? However, I held my temper somehow (she was so lucky; if it had been anyone – _anyone _– else, they would have been dead) and said, "Look, I know you're distressed over this whole affair, but that's no reason to tell me off. I don't fuss over you either – I just check in with you to see if you're okay. That's not fuss – that's common courtesy." I just had to add that last part in – Lily seemed to be having problems remembering what common courtesy was.

"I'm not bloody distressed!" She was crying full out now, actually shaking, and that may have made me a little softer, it didn't clear her from her madness.

"Lil, can you be rational now? Please?" I wanted to give her one more chance before I gave up on her – she was Lily Evans after all.

"NO!" She bellowed this last word at me and flew up the stairs, probably to cry more in her dormitory. I was left, standing there like an idiot with people staring at me, wondering what on earth I must have done to her; I absolutely loved that. And, to make matters worse, Sirius turned up with Kyleigh, his hand in her shirt, obviously looking for a private place to snog her.

"Bloody hell, James; what did you to Evans to make her freak out like that?" he asked.

"Never mind – I'll tell you later," I said bitterly. "Damn her."

"What happened?" Kyleigh asked worriedly, taking Sirius's hand off of her (to which he groaned loudly) as she looked to me.

"You know what? I've had it," I said. "I'm done with her."

"What did she do?" Kyleigh asked again, more sympathetic this time.

"She's going ballistic because she thinks I baby her," I said. "She thinks that just because I ask her if she's okay, I'm fussing over her. She thinks I doubt her ability to get back into the swing of life after…after recent events. It's just…I'm done. I'm tired of her going crazy over everything and consequently ruining my life."

"Recent events?" Kyleigh's expression was so confused that I knew Lily must not have confided in her about Remus.

"I was right?" Sirius inquired.

"Yeah," I said grudgingly.

"Woo! I told you!" Sirius did a little victory dance for me, while I rolled my eyes and Kyleigh questioned, "What events?"

"Look, if Lily wants to tell you, she will; I figured it out myself," I said. "I'll tell you about what happened just now in a few hours – I'm pissed and I need to be alone."

"Right-o, mate," said Sirius, saluting me as he put his hand back in its original spot. "Come here, Kyles."

"Of course," she said, giggling as she leaned in for a kiss, which Sirius willingly gave. I turned my head away and left them alone, in thought again. That run-in with Lily really opened my eyes to how much she irritated me, and it left me unsure about my opinions, which almost never happened. Do I still love her? Sure, I'll end up forgiving her for making me look like a fool, but that doesn't mean I'll necessarily love her again.

I went back to class after the break was over, but Lily wasn't there. She didn't come to class for the rest of the day – which was really unlike her – but I thought it all worked out, because if I saw her, bad things could happen with my temper. Peter was the first to notice Lily's absence during Charms, however.

"Hey James, do you know where Lily is?" he whispered. "I don't see her."

"Probably in her dormitory or something," I whispered back gloomily. "We had a row during the break."

"Is she all right?" Remus asked, his eyes ablaze with fret.

"I was trying to find out when she blew up at me for no reason," I said, hoping I didn't sound as saddened as I felt.

"Leave her alone," Sirius advised. "She's not worth it, mate – not until you kiss her, which she's not going to let you do any time soon."

"Thanks Sirius," I said sardonically. "But that's what I'm going to do – no more Lily Evans for me. I'm sick of her."

"Finally!" Peter high-fived me, as did Sirius, but Remus looked apprehensive again.

"James, she's got enough on her plate without you ending it so coldly," he said.

"Moony, you weren't there with me when we were arguing," I told him. "You don't understand how awful she made me look and feel. I'm not going to go through this every time she has a mood – I'm done. It's no use – she's always rejecting me anyway. All she does is fight with me. She's never going to love me back, and you know what? I'm not going to stick around if there's nothing in it for me."

"I suppose," Remus said slowly. "But James –"

"No," I said, cutting him off. "I'm done. For good."

"Nice!" Sirius said, high-fiving me again. "Do you want me to hook you up with someone? I know Veronica, my old conquest, would be available."

"No, thanks," I said. "I have to deal with Regina and get myself single before I got out with other girls."

"Hey, would Veronica like me?" Peter asked interestedly.

"No," Sirius said bluntly, grinning. "Sorry, Pete."

I couldn't laugh. "I need Regina off my back before I can do anything with anyone, but thanks, Pads."

"No problem," Sirius said brightly, thumping me on the back. "Now quick; pretend to take notes so that Flitwick doesn't get suspicious."

"Right," I said, scrambling for my quill.

Once all my classes and dinner were over, I took to my bed in my dormitory. I had not seen Lily once since our fight; now was when I started to wonder if she was okay. But I shook myself mentally – it doesn't matter anymore. She wouldn't want me to wonder that anyway; she'd bite my head off for it. Would she still do that if she knew how much I loved her? I wasn't sure anymore.

You know what I think I need? I need some time off, some time away from the castle – mostly away from Lily. My thoughts are completely jumbled, and a mini holiday would be perfect for me – I know it would. I may even arrange one; after this latest with Lily Evans, a vacation would be a bit of a relief.

_A/N: Yes, James wants a vacation. Will he act on it? He just might…! Lol but this was a very over-emotional Lily – she'll recover a little in the next entry. I'm annoyed with her too, to be quite honest, but hey – she's been knocked clean off her feet and has no idea what she wants anymore. It's now up to you whether or not you hate her, since it could go either way; but whatever you choose, she'll be punished soundly in the next chapter. ;D Anyway, review! I'd like to know what you think, even though I have a good idea what it is already. :P_


	24. How Not to Fix Your Problems

_A/N: Okay, I lied; Lily is not going to calm down yet. But she will be punished – James has seen to that, because he was pretty mad in the last chapter. In this chapter though, it's pretty emotional for Lily – she's not quite okay yet, like I said, and she's being a huge drama queen. Bear with her please – she's very upset right now, but shall be all right in about a week (in the story – not in real life, lol). But there's another quick plot twist – hooray! And I hope I've been updating fast enough for you! xD_

**Lily**

January 16th

Dear Diary,

James left school early this morning.

No one's seen him all day. He's not in the Hospital Wing, he's not in his dormitory, and he's not anywhere else; the teachers say it's because his aunt is ill and he's gone to visit her, but I don't believe it. It's too much of a coincidence that James leaves school a couple of days after a huge fight with me – I think it's my fault. Another thing to add to a growing list.

I just don't know why I can't get it all together again. It's so easy for everyone else – why not me? Now I've got something else weird going on in my screwed-up head – it's always been second-nature for me to hate James when he's right in front of me (a prime example being the last time I wrote), yet when he doesn't anything out of the ordinary, it sends shock waves through my systems. Is he leaving Hogwarts to punish me for pissing him off, or is he testing how long I'll go without cracking? So many questions, yet no answers – none that make sense anyway. That's how life is for me right now – full of anger, surprise, and mood swings – and I just can't stand it.

Kyleigh, since she had apparently seen James after I yelled at him, seems to think I'm to blame for his leaving. Secretly, I think that she's right, but I didn't tell her that when she accused me of it.

"It's not my fault if he decides to bloody run away," I told her heatedly.

"Lily, you fought with him last, and you really upset him," she said. "He told me what happened. And you can see it in the way he looks at you."

"Everything is my fault, isn't it," I shouted. "Yes, if something goes wrong, just blame Lily, because there's no one else in the world to bloody blame!" Those handy tears were back; they were always on the surface, ready for the next time I wanted to lash out at someone.

"I'm sorry, but that's what I think," Kyleigh said defensively, crossing her arms. "You're always making him miserable."

"Why are you never on my side?" I cried out loud enough for the entire common room to turn and stare at me. "Why can't you ever spare me the blame? Every single time I do anything, you always try to pin it down to me! Well, what if it _wasn't_ me? What would you say? Would you come crawling back to me weeks later, and ask me to forgive you for being a bitch like you did the last time? Kyles, I'm sick of this!"

"So am I!" she hollered back. "Lily, it was your fault both of those times – what am I supposed to do about it besides point it out?"

"You're supposed to be on my side!" I was always feeling distraught and on the edge, and shouting at the top of my lungs helped a little bit. "All you can do is push me around and hold me responsible for everything! Why can't you ever understand where I'm coming from? Kyleigh, are you even my friend?"

"I try to be, but you make it rather difficult!" Kyleigh countered. "You never know what you want, and you never take charge of yourself – if you can't do it, someone has to. I'm trying to help you, and you never let me!"

I wanted to pull my hair out, my anger was so vast. "YOU KNOW BLOODY WELL THAT YOU DON'T HELP ME!" I raged. "You leave me alone, Kyleigh; I want nothing more to do with you! Don't even _try_ asking to be friends again – I'm sick of you."

"I won't!" she shot back at me. "And the next time you're lying in your room alone on a Saturday night doing your bloody O. W. L. papers, you remember me and all I did to get you to have a good time."

"Yes, I'll definitely remember the sluttish dresses you forced me to wear and your constant need to flirt with every guy in our year," I roared. "And when I successfully pass my O. W. L.'s and you're completely drunk in some godforsaken corner of the school, _you_ remember _me_."

"I shall!" She huffed off and I huffed off; I went to my dormitory and she went elsewhere – I don't even know where the hell she went. I just cried for the fifth time in the week, but lying still didn't help. I got up and paced my room, trying to calm down. I couldn't; while I cried, I threw things around the room. Whatever I could find, I threw really; books, clothes, and small items were tossed everywhere, and quite honestly, I did not really care what they were. I fell to the ground after a while, and there I rested, sobbing, while pulling at my hair. I did it hard enough that it hurt, but not enough that it came out of my scalp. It helped; the physical pain was so much easier to deal with than the emotional pain.

I even managed to fall asleep there, in the middle of the mess that used to be my dormitory; but it was only for about an hour before Leila shook me awake, shock written all over her face.

"Lily, what the hell is going on?" she asked fearfully. "Kyleigh is throwing a fit downstairs, and then I walk up here to see you lying in here."

"Kyleigh isn't any friend of mine," I said weakly. "We fought, and I know now that she was never my friend. Who was I kidding?"

"Lils, it's all a big misunderstanding," she tried to tell me.

"I understand it perfectly fine, and so does Kyleigh," I said. "Leila, please; leave me alone."

"I can't," she said. "What happened with you and James a couple of days ago? Kyleigh says that you had a row, and that's why he left."

I sighed and explained the disastrous events that had taken place a few days back. When I finished, Leila's head was in her hands and she was quite exasperated. She sat down on the floor with me and said, "Lily, that was mighty stupid of you."

"I know, I know, but I don't know what's coming over me lately," I said, attempting to explain all the anguish that had been surging inside of me in recent weeks. "I keep losing my temper, and now I think that though I didn't like to hear it, Kyleigh was right – maybe it was my fault James left."

"I'll admit that I think you're probably a big part of that decision, but I wouldn't say it was all your fault," Leila said, pondering. "But look – you even said that Kyleigh was right. Can't you two make up? I hate watching you fight."

I shook my head. "Not this time. I'm tired of her putting everything on me, Leils; half the time, I'm not even sure why she's friends with me – she likes to push me around and when there's something going wrong, put the fault on me. I've gone with it for years – this was just one time too many. I had to stand up to her and tell her, bug off – you know what I mean?"

"I do, but you should have talked peacefully to her rather than have an argument with her," she said.

"There's a lot going on that you don't know about," I said. "You don't understand how I'm feeling."

"Well, then help me to," Leila said. "What's going on, Lils?"

I had never intended for Leila to know what had happened between Remus and me, but I was worn-out. I needed someone to help me. I couldn't go through this alone – I knew that, no matter how much I isolated myself. So that was why I told Leila the story of my first broken heart, and to never tell Kyleigh about it. When I was done, Leila was hugging me tightly and I was crying all over again on her shoulder.

"Lil, that's horrible," she said as she continued to hug me. "I can't believe it; Remus!"

"I'm being pathetic, and I can't get over him," I sobbed. "I either feel irate or just sluggish. I don't know how to fix myself up."

"That's because no one knew about it besides Remus, and now James does too," she said. "And I mean, what happened was a blow, yes, but you're trying to mend it in very unhealthy ways."

"What should I do?" I asked, craving anything to get me out of my personal hell.

"I think you should talk to him about it, and go back to the things you used to do," Leila said. "And don't freak out over everything – just calm down and stay calm. You'll be all right, Lils – you can hold out."

I looked down at the ground sadly. "I never thought that this would ever happen, Leila…I hate it more than you can imagine. I can't calm down, I can't be all right; I lied to James, and I tried to kid myself." This sent me into waterworks again; I buried my head into my knees and cried a little bit more.

Leila put her hand on my shoulder, and patted it semi-awkwardly. "Lily, relax, like I said. Deep breath. Come on, Lil – breathe."

I took a shallow breath and looked up at her with my tear-strained face. "Like that?"

"Yeah," she said, smiling slightly. "A little more. Come on – you can do it. Deep breath."

I took a deeper breath and discovered that I did actually feel a little better. I took another one without her telling me to, and I took even more after that before lying back on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

"Do you want to be alone?" Leila asked gently.

I was about to nod, but I changed my mind; I shook my head for the second time. "No," I said. "Stay with me. Please."

Leila wordlessly lay down next to me and took my hand; more grateful than I could say, I let her, and together, we stared at the ceiling, lost in our own thoughts. Our silences said more than words ever could though, like the case with James; I knew what she was feeling, and she had a rough idea of how I felt. It was so nice, having someone with me; I'd had no idea how much I'd needed company. Leila was annoying, ditzy, and rather brainless at times, but she was truly my best friend – no one else would lie on the floor with you in the middle of a bomb-blast dormitory because your first true crush rejected you.

After about an hour, she had to leave, but I let her; I was feeling a little bit better. I didn't get up though; I continued to lie on the floor all evening. Homework could wait – I'd already done it all anyway. And if I hadn't, well, nothing mattered anymore – I could get in trouble. It would be my first time; no one would care. They'd be amused, if anything. Whatever. I didn't care about them; I only cared about Remus and Leila.

I didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry either; at home, I wouldn't have been allowed to skip a meal. That was one of the best things about Hogwarts though – I could do what I wanted without parental interruption. So I didn't eat, and though my stomach was feeling uncomfortably empty, I didn't care; I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to see Kyleigh, and I felt like I'd throw up if anything went into my body anyway. Sort of a win-win, yet lose-lose situation.

I slept on the floor while in the middle of my thoughts – I'm awake now, at about eleven, because I was hungry; my stomach does that sometimes, where it wakes me up to eat because it knows I haven't. I'm not eating though, no matter what, so I guess I'll do my neglected homework or something. Everyone in my dormitory is asleep, and has already cleaned up the items that I threw around that belonged to them – they would know it was me because I was asleep in the middle of it all. Most of the stuff strewn was mine, however, so there's still a lot of mess in our room.

I think I'll just get a glass of water and do my homework now – my stomach is killing me, and I have nothing better to do. I'll write again soon – probably tomorrow, considering how things have been going for me. No, wait; I'll write again when I find out where James is – that's a better option. I need to know if it's my fault he's gone; I need to know if there's one more thing that I'm guilty of causing.

**James**

January 16th

Dear Diary,

As I write, I am pleased to say that I'm not in Hogwarts castle.

Yup, I wrote it right – I'm not in school right now. I'm in Room Fourteen of the Leaky Cauldron's miniature hotel, sitting on the rented bed I get to use for a discounted fifty Galleons a night. I've already asked Sirius to deliver my forged note to Professor McGonagall (we're professionals at that sort of stuff) and now I'm on a well-deserved, during-school, week-long vacation.

Why am I on vacation, you ask? Well, that can be answered in two simple words – Lily Evans. Lily Evans has been getting on my nerves lately, and I've found that I need time away without the distraction of school; the only way I could think to do that was to visit the Leaky Cauldron – it's right near Diagon Alley, so I can hang out there all day.

It took a lot of skillful planning to get here – planning that could not have been done by anyone but me and my friends. First of all, I had to get "permission" so that the teachers wouldn't come find me and drag me back. That wasn't a big problem; Sirius has a magical forgery quill that he used to write a note from my mother. That would work for McGonagall – I knew how to sound like my mum, who she kept in touch with because of my delinquency habits.

Second of all, there was the work itself that needed to be kept up with. That was for Remus; Remus had not been thrilled with my sudden, rash plan, and after hours of persuasion, he had agreed to help us if I was sent assignments by owl. I said okay, and Remus wrote himself a memo to faithfully send me my work – I knew that he wouldn't forget if he did that. I would have laughed at him and said no way, please don't torture me, but it was just easier if you went with whatever Remus said nowadays; he was still sort of touchy after the Lily business.

Third was transportation – I ended up going to Hogsmeade on foot, calling the Knight Bus, and having it take me London. It was a very straightforward method, yeah, but it still took me a surprising amount of time to come up with it. I was having a brain freeze or something – I don't know.

Once I got to the Leaky Cauldron though, everything was very smooth – I got a room, went in with my bag, and unpacked. An owl was already waiting for me – it was Remus, requesting that I please send a message when I got in. I snorted and sent him a note saying yes, I was safe – relax, breathe. The owl flew off, and I was alone again; I gave out a sigh of relief before flopping on my bed and taking this stupid book out. The only reason for that was because I needed to gloat about my success though, I swear!

Now that I'm here, however, I'm going to do what I was here to do – think without distraction. I need to think long and hard about my priorities, which is roughly translated to thinking long and hard about Lily.

Lily…oh how I love her. Even when I'm irritated with her, I still feel that seemingly – and probably – unbreakable pull towards her. She had been extremely and incredibly bitchy a few days ago, and that got me thinking – was it time to give her up for good? It seemed so.

I don't even know how I feel about her anymore – I have to keep asking myself, do I still love her? I never knew the day would come when I questioned that for longer than twenty-four hours, but I have never felt so unsure about myself or of her. Yeah, I'm James Potter – Gryffindor Chaser, Quidditch hero, "the ladies' man" – but I'm also James Potter – a-little-over-average teenage guy who is hopelessly in love. My fame among the school doesn't mean anything unless I have the mind space to enjoy it. All my mind space is, at the moment, being used to balance my newly-acquired confusion; which I have a lot of thanks to Lily Evans.

Speaking technically, I'm not even supposed to be thinking about Lily right now. I'm supposed to be thinking about other things – like how to get rid of Regina. Ugh, I desperately need to get rid of her, and to do that, I need to put my amazing brain to work; what better place to do it than Diagon Alley, where I can relax as I think? But I can't focus on that – all I can think about is Lily, through force of habit, and of worry. Is she all right? Yeah, she said she was, but I didn't trust that – Lily was tough, but she was still capable of getting a situation she couldn't handle. I hoped that if things got bad, my friends – especially Remus – would care for her.

Anyway, I've just realized that I'm really hungry – Florean Fortesque's Ice Cream Parlor is having a sale (get a shake, a sundae, and three scoops of any flavor, and they give you thirty percent off of your next purchase!), so I'd best be going. If all goes well, I should be up to my neck in delicious ice cream and you, my inanimate diary, won't hear from me again for a few days.

_A/N: Yes, James left! No, Kyleigh's probably not going to be Lily's friend again for the rest of the story! Yes, Lily's a drama queen! Yes, James is super hungry! Lol so much to say, so much to feel! Leave me a review; I must know how you take this drama-filled chapter. :)_

_By the way, sorry about the short length of James's entry – he didn't have as much to say as Lily did, and it'll be that way for the week he's gone. See, James's leaving causes more problems than it fixes, and Lily has a lot to say, unlike James, who is going to be shopping, eating ice cream, and thinking about her occasionally. :P So yeah – just have to make that clear._


	25. Hooray?

_A/N: 'Kay, well this chapter was just a random inspiration – I didn't intend to write it or anything, it just kind of waltzed into my head, made sense with the story, and was therefore written. The idea for Lily and Leila's conversation at the beginning of this chapter had been previously considered, but then I decided I wouldn't use it – look how well that one turned out. :P_

_Extra Note: __**-S3v3rusIsMin3**_**- **_left a review with the suggestion of Lily's denials – I'd like to credit her for it, because if she hadn't brought it up, I wouldn't have made it a more dominant part of the story like I have now. So thanks!_

_**One Last Note:**__**Sorry for the late posting for this chapter – my Internet was acting up on the computer with all my documents, so I needed to get that fixed before I could post. I've put up more than one chapter at this time, and I'd like to request that you review all the chapters – just so I can see how you feel about each of them. Thanks!**_

**Lily**

January 19th

Dear Diary,

I'm writing because I found out about James's reasons for leaving Hogwarts, but I have something else I want to rant about before I get there; Leila's lately gotten it into her head that I have an eating disorder, and has been lecturing me about it for the past two days.

Yeah, eating disorders. Me! I don't have a bloody eating disorder! Those are awful for your health; I don't do things that are awful for me – not all the time anyway, just once in a while. I mean, anorexia's for really, really big perfectionists – people who think they're fat when they're not. And bulimia's absolutely gross; you make yourself puke! Eew!

Anyway, so Leila's reasoning for sticking me with an anorexia claim is that I haven't been eating lately. Well, that's not true – I do eat. I mean, okay, I've been skipping breakfast, but I never ate breakfast before either – I just drink some milk or orange juice and I'm done. I've had to skip lunch for a while now, because of my extra studying, but that's not that big of a deal. Dinner…I eat dinner. It's just that I feel really queasy after a full day of working and my emotional hell, so I just make do with a small amount. It's not anorexia! It's just me not being hungry! There's a difference – one kills you, the other doesn't. Get it right, Leils.

Now, since these accusations are in place, she apparently has the right to harangue me all the time; in the hall, during meals when I sit with her and don't eat, or once she even tell me off while I was in the bathroom! It drove me crazy, and I told her so when we were on our way to Charms.

"Leila, I don't have anorexia, and I certainly don't have bulimia," I told her impatiently. "Stop giving me a full-blown sermon every five minutes."

"Lily, you don't _eat_!" she complained. "You look like a toothpick, and I've noticed that all year."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. "My thighs are enormous, but that's not the reason I don't eat as much as I used to."

"Oh? Then why don't you eat much?" Leila inquired, her eyebrow raised.

"Because I'm _not hungry_," I said, specially emphasizing the last two words. "I could use a bit of weight loss, but I'm not trying to starve myself."

"You don't eat anything at meal times," she told me.

"I haven't eaten breakfast since I was ten," I informed her. "I drink a glass of milk or something – that does me."

"What about lunch? You normally pigged out at lunch before."

"Nowadays, I have studying to do – I just don't have time for lunch," I said. "But I do grab something to go occasionally."

"Occasionally as in never?"

I smirked. "Hilarious."

"Well, you don't eat dinner either," she said. "You like dinner. Or, you used to."

"I just feel sick, all right?" I said. "Don't get on my back about it."

"If you feel sick, you should see Madam Pomfrey," she pressed.

"Leila, please," I said. "I'm fine."

"I'm just trying to look out for you, Lils," said Leila. "You're my best friend – my very best friend. I want you to stay safe."

"I appreciate that, but I don't have an eating disorder," I told her a little more kindly; she was my only friend at the moment, and she didn't deserve to be shouted at. I'd already had a taste of what would happen if you yelled at someone who tried to care about you.

"Okay then," she said. "I won't push you, but please – for me – will you eat something at dinner tonight?"

"Deal," I said, smiling my first smile in days at her earnestness. We shook on it, and there I had a promise – one I didn't intend to break.

We got to Charms at that point, and our conversation turned to more pleasant subjects…that is, until Chris came up to talk to me halfway through the period.

"Hey Lil," he said smoothly.

"Hey?" The word seemed to be a question; Chris didn't talk to me much anymore.

"Lily, is it you that drove James out of the school? That's what Kyleigh Brookes told me," he asked.

Wanting to murder Kyleigh, I said through clenched teeth, "I don't know why James left the school, but I'm sure it wasn't because of me."

"If it was, thank you," he said, his grin turning almost nasty; it looked so uncharacteristic on his face. "It's been absolutely lovely having him leave."

I frowned. "I may loathe James, but that wasn't very nice."

"So? Neither is James." His grin was quite wide – I was almost scared of him.

"Don't smile like that," I told him.

His expression became normal once again. "Sorry about that."

"Anyway, is there anything else that I can help you with?" I didn't want to talk to him – I wanted to talk to Leila.

"No," he said. "See you on the twenty fourth."

The twenty fourth – damn, I had almost forgotten about that stupid date. I couldn't say anything though, because he left. Leila waited until he was gone before she began to question me.

"Why did you stand up for James? Are you feeling all right?" She checked my forehead just in case.

I gave her a grim laugh. "I don't know why I did it, but don't tell him." In truth, that bracelet kept me horribly aware of how mean I was to him, and how nice he sometimes was to me; that was why I had stood up for him, but I hadn't been happy about it. I promise – it's not that I like him! Ugh; God forbid I like him. However, Leila seemed to think that – she giggled.

"Lily, I think you're falling for him," she said, winking.

I rolled my eyes. "Please! I am not falling for him! He's not here – he can't beat the crap out of Chris right now, and if I told him when he came back, it would mean talking to him, which is, of course, a huge punishment."

"Whatever," Leila said, still chuckling as she turned back to her work. That was when our second visitor came – Sirius.

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, Miss Evans, and I needed to talk to you about it," he said. I was vaguely annoyed; Chris, James, and Sirius had no lag time when it came to talking to me – they just got straight to the point, which was not always a good thing.

"I bet you could help it, but all right," I said unwillingly. "What?"

Ignoring my comment, Sirius said, "Lil, I know why James left the castle – I helped arrange it. You were wrong – he left because of you."

Leila gasped, and my jaw nearly fell to the ground. "_I_ caused James Potter to leave Hogwarts? Is he coming back?"

"Yeah, on the twenty third," Sirius said carelessly. "But yes – you did. You pissed him off, and you confused him; he doesn't know what to think of you, and needed some private thinking time away from the castle."

I was in shock. "Is he all right?"

"Yeah," Sirius said again. "He's in the Leaky Cauldron's hotel thing – room fourteen, he told us. He's having a good time. He admitted to missing you." He made a clicking noise with his tongue. "But you weren't supposed to know that."

"If I wasn't supposed to know, why tell me?"

"To make you feel guilty." Sirius grinned devilishly. "To taunt you. To bother you. To make you thank me for telling you the truth."

I rolled my eyes. "Not going to happen. Listen, can you tell him something for me?"

"Why would I do that?" Sirius wrinkled his nose with disgust. "You're a bitch. I don't help bitches."

My eyebrows went right up. "I'm a what?"

"A bitch, Evans," he repeated. "Don't you have ears?"

"I have ears, yes; I just don't know what I did to merit such a title," I said, feeling quite offended.

"You drove my best friend out of the castle," he reminded me. "If Remus didn't have such a big bloody crush on you, you'd be on the floor with tentacles on your face. But as it is, I'm keeping fairly quiet – I hate it when people mess with my best friends."

I rolled my eyes once more, trying to hide how indignant I felt, but I had to ask one more thing before I changed the subject. "Remus has a crush on me?"

"Yeah," he said. "He says it could never work, and he knows that, but he likes you. He told me the other day – he was staring out in space, I asked what he was thinking about, and he just told me."

"Did he tell you anything else about me?" I had to know if Sirius was aware of what had happened on New Years – I would have to commit murder if he did.

"Maybe," Sirius said, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth as he saw my urgency. "But I might give you a definite answer _and _pass a message to James if you do something for me."

"What do you want?" I inquired warily.

"I want a few kisses," he said simply. "More specifically, a make-out session. Tonight. By the greenhouses."

Leila made a revolted noise from behind me – the first thing she had done to interrupt our conversation – and I made a face. "You've got to be joking."

"No – just being hopeful," he said with a laugh. "But I do want a kiss. One. Right now."

I sighed. "Then will you do both of those things for me?"

"Of course." He put his right hand up. "I swear on my face and many girlfriends that I will."

Me and Leila exchanged looks before I said, "Fine." Sirius grinned toothily at me and leaned in, but I put my finger to his lips. "But first, let me tell you what I want," I said.

"All right," he said, sounding bored.

"First, I want to know if Remus has said a single thing about me in recent weeks," I said. "I also want you to tell James that I'm sorry, and I'll explain everything when he comes back."

Sirius looked faintly interested after I said that. "Okay; anything else?"

"That's all," I said. "Now come here and let's get this over with."

Sirius gave me a crooked grin. "I like them feisty."

"Shut up," was all I said. Then I kissed him on the cheek.

"Hey!" He sounded aggravated. "I meant on my lips."

"You didn't specify where the kiss had to be, so I'm no longer obligated to touch you at all," I declared.

Sirius shot me a look of pure loathing while Leila snorted. "Bitch."

"Oh, go have sex with your sister and leave me alone," I said, grimacing at him.

"I don't have a sister," he said smugly.

"Your brother then," I countered. "More fitting like that anyway."

Sirius gave me a murderous glare, but Leila was looking ready to have a seizure with her laughter.

"Now did Remus say anything about me?" I asked.

"Not at all," he said mutinously, throwing both of us nasty looks that clearly said that he would like to throw something at us.

"Are you sure? If you're lying to me, I'll kick your arse," I warned.

"Yes, I'm sure; give me Veritaserum if you don't believe me," said Sirius.

That was the best answer I was going to get, and I knew that, so I said, "All right, fine. Thanks Sirius."

"Not welcome," he muttered as he left. Leila just about exploded with laughter when he was safely on the other side of the room though; she was literally close to not breathing.

"That was brilliant!" she choked. "I loved that!"

"I'm sure," I said with a slight grin. "Now I have what I want; I'm satisfied. Things are going right for once."

"That's good," Leila said, laughing.

"Yeah," I said, content for the first time in ages.

"Say, why did you tell Sirius to give James such a message?" she inquired.

"I felt bad," I clarified. "I know how it is to be confused about what you feel, and I want to make his burden lighter."

"Because you're proving my original theory right and you're falling in love with him?" Leila asked teasingly.

"No," I said. "It's because lately, I can empathize with how he feels."

Leila disagreed with me, and I insisted that it truthfully was because I could identify with how he felt – it was the usual argument. We continued it all the way upstairs to the common room, where Leila went off to read a book and I came to the dormitory to work and write in you, my diary.

All I can say now is, though I never thought the day would come, I really wish James was back – things may have been hard when he was gone, but they're even harder when he's not there.

Isn't life so funny that way?

**James**

January 19th

Dear Diary,

I love it here!

Seriously; I should have used this plan _years_ ago – it's great! I mean, I get to pig out on ice cream all day long, and I can do pretty much whatever I want. Florean Fortesque knows me personally by now, after the amount of time I spend at his store, and he occasionally helps out a little with the work Remus sent me to do. I do most of it myself though, because it's O. W. L. preparation and whatever – I can't have Florean stand in the Great Hall and help me out with my exams, unfortunately. It's a pity; the guy knows a lot.

Still, I get things done, send them with an owl to Hogwarts, and continue to do what I want. And today, I met these two extremely attractive girls in Quality Quidditch Supplies; they were gawking at a broom, but when I came in, they, of course, began to gawk at _me_. I didn't mind; I even went up to them and, in my sexiest flirting voice, I asked them their names.

It turned out that the gorgeous brunette's name was Georgina Walters, while the blonde's name was Bethany Rollins. I had a slight problem with Georgina, since her name sounded so much like Regina's, but she turned out to be all right (and an unbelievably good kisser) – things evened out. Georgie and Beth turned out to be recent graduates of Hogwarts on a vacation – they were best friends. They had heard of me before, and couldn't believe I was there. They asked why I wasn't in school, and I said it was because I didn't want to be. I managed to win them over by telling them the daring tale with which I escaped the castle for the week; they were pretty impressed.

Beth, Georgie, and I hung out all day in Diagon Alley together. I went robes shopping with them, but I didn't mind it; I got to see them try on a bunch of very tight ones, which is never a problem for me. Then they joined me in an ice cream splurge (I adore eating ice cream – it's one of my few weaknesses) before we went back to the Leaky Cauldron for a bite to eat. They were awesome; we had a blast.

After we ate, Beth said that it was time for her and Georgie to get back to their room – it turned out that they had room fifteen, right next door! It was a complete coincidence, and I loved it; they promised to come by the next morning. Beth actually just left; she and I made out for a little while before she felt guilty about betraying her best friend and left. Haha; I just have that effect on people.

Anyway, I got an owl from Remus containing the day's work and, for the first time since I got to London, a letter. I opened it curiously, and here's what it said:

_Dear James,_

_Listen, mate, you need to get back here; the teachers aren't suspicious, but the students are. Kyleigh and Lily had a huge fight about it – Kyleigh said you left because of Lily, Lily got mad – and that set off a bunch of theories among our year. Not only that, but it's boring without you! Come on – for us, can you come back to Hogwarts?_

_Oh yeah, and Lily says she's sorry and will explain everything when you get back – another incentive._

_Sirius, Peter, and Remus_

_(But mostly Sirius)_

I snorted as I read through the letter, but I knew I had to answer it. So, I took out some parchment and scribbled back:

_Dear Marauders,_

_I'm having a lot of fun down here – we should have done this ages ago. I met these two incredibly good-looking girls, and one of them even made out with me. The other one didn't know about it though – I expect she'll want to try that tomorrow. I know it's probably kind of boring back on your end, but is Lily all right? Are she and Kyleigh okay after the fight you mentioned? If she isn't, please ask Remus to watch out for her for me. As for what she said, disregard any further communication she asks you to give me; I'll talk to her myself on the twenty third._

_James_

I sent the letter off, feeling a little bit odd; Lily had asked them to tell me she was sorry and would explain later? What was there to explain? I knew about what had gone down with Remus – was there another person I needed to beat up about it? Chris? I still don't know who/what is going on with her, but I fully intend to…when I get back. I'm going to stay until the planned date, because I like it in Diagon Alley.

Well, anyhow, I hear knocking on the door – I'm willing to bet fifty Galleons it's Georgie. I'll attend to her, and I'll write again some other time. Like hopefully never.

_A/N: I don't quite know why, but I didn't like how I wrote this chapter. Still, after editing, I knew it wouldn't get any better than this, so I hope you liked it. Lol. But like I said before, James's entries are shorter than usual because he's just out having fun – he isn't even thinking much about Lily at the moment. :P I didn't feel the need to tell you all about how he went shopping with those two girls and all that, so therefore, I gave you a scaled-down version of it. Haha. So anyway, please review!_


	26. People We Hate

_A/N: So, now that James has been gone for a little while, you may be wondering what his girlfriend, Miss Regina, thinks about it. xD Well, in this chapter, Lily will tell you Regina's thoughts on the matter (I promise – she's not out of character for this chapter, which provides absolutely no comfort, lol), and James will be getting a reality check. Enjoy! This is lighter than the past couple of chapters._

**Lily**

January 20th

Dear Diary,

I absolutely _loathe_ Regina Masters.

My ambition for right now is to club her over the head repeatedly; when I'm done, I want to hex her with every curse I know, which is quite a list after the O. W. L. work I've been doing. She's the reason they invented the word bitch as an insult (mental note – tell Sirius about that the next time he tries to call me one); I hate her even more than I hate James – which is saying something.

This morning, at breakfast, Regina confronted me and Leila while she was eating and I was watching. She stood over me like some kind of dictator until we both looked up at her and I said, "Can I help you?"

"Yes you can," Regina said, pushing Leila away to sit next to me, her blue eyes blazing. "Where did James go? He's not at his bloody aunt's, and I know that."

"I don't know where he is," I said defiantly. "Why are you asking me?"

"He's in love with you; you're going to be the first one I question," she said. "Now where is James?"

"Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you," I said, affronted. "Go away, Regina."

"No," she said. "Not until you tell me where James is. _I'm_ his girlfriend; _I_ should know."

"_You_ also need to get out of my seat," Leila cut in, pointing at her spot. "I want to eat my breakfast."

Regina took Leila's plate of eggs and threw them on the ground. "There," she said. "You don't have to eat anymore."

Leila's eyes turned malevolent, and her jaw dropped. "You did not just do that."

"I did, Patterson; now where is James?" Regina threw Leila a quick, cold glare, but saved most of it for me.

"Bitch!" Leila shouted. She took her glass of orange juice and threw it all over her; I snorted and began to lead everyone in laughing at Regina's fate. She was pissed – her eyes said it all – but I didn't care.

"PATTERSON!" Regina roared. She whipped out her wand and shot a hex at her, but she missed because Leila tossed away her wand and fell on top of her. I watched, torn between horror and amusement, as Leila began to pull at Regina's hair and claw at her face, shouting horrible things at her all the while.

After a bit, Regina managed to somehow throw Leila off and tried to shoot a hex at me. On other days, I might have called her a name and went off, but not at that time; I went ahead and took out my own wand to shoot her with a hex. I chose the Jelly-Legs Curse, which left her in place for Leila to pound her. Everyone in the Great Hall had turned to look, and teachers were on their way over to break us up – more specifically, it was Professor McGonagall, but whatever.

"GIRLS!" McGonagall screeched. "Stop it RIGHT NOW. Detentions for all three of you!"

"We were provoked," Leila defended. "Regina came and started asking Lily a bunch of questions incessantly, even after we told her to leave, and then she threw my breakfast on the ground."

"Be that as it may, you have no right to hex her back," McGonagall told us sternly. "Detentions – all three of you."

"Please, Professor," I said, trembling a little at the thought of my first detention. "We really were provoked – it was Regina's fault."

"That Patterson bitch came and jumped on me," Regina shouted. "I don't take kindly to that!"

While Leila made a face, Professor McGonagall glared at Regina. "We don't use such language, Miss Masters. I think we'll let Patterson and Evans off, just for that."

"WHAT?!" Regina hollered as Leila and I gave each other a high-five in celebration; Regina's cursing habit was of some help for once! "_THEY_ PROVOKED _ME_, DAMN IT!"

"Would you like two detentions then, Miss Masters?" McGonagall inquired. "Or, if you'd like, we can make it an even week."

Regina did not answer the question; she simply stomped off. McGonagall followed her out, and the rest of the school cheered, clapped and whistled. Leila stood on top of the table and waved as though she had just won a marathon, and when she began to feel lonely, pulled me up as well. We both stood there like heroes until, on a sudden inspiration, I pulled my wand out one more time, truly happy, for the first time in nearly three weeks; I began to write in fiery cursive, "Regina Masters is a bitch." People whooped for me for about a minute before I took it away; McGonagall would have recognized my handwriting – or, rather, wand-writing – and given me the detention I had just barely missed having. Leila, thrilled, thumped me on the back; I smiled at her and we stepped down to enjoy the remainder of the breakfast time.

When Leila finished, we went to Charms first period, as usual. When we got there, Kyleigh was already seated in her usual seat, determinedly biting her nails. Leila and I looked at each other, wondering what to do about it, but we decided on simply going to our seats and ignoring her. It served us well – she didn't speak to us and we did not speak to her for the rest of the class time. What was there to say, anyway?

Leila and I went through the rest of our classes uneventfully; the Regina incident had spread around the school like wildfire, and many people congratulated us on getting her a week of detentions from McGonagall – that was definitely nice. Since I was a prefect, it was even more astounding that I wasn't in trouble – I was supposed to be setting an example, not fighting with Regina Masters.

Once we got to lunch, however, Leila was after my life again to eat. "Lily, eat this," she ordered, handing me a plate filled with French fries and a couple of chicken legs.

Just looking at it made me feel ill, so I said, "No, Leils, I'm feeling kind of woozy at the moment."

She wouldn't hear it. "Eat it now," she said. "Don't be anorexic."

"I'm not bloody anorexic!" I wailed. "I'm just not hungry!"

"Now you are," she said, putting the plate in front of me. "This is for your own good, Lils – I don't want you to die because you're 'not hungry.'" She took a fry from my plate and poked my mouth with it, obviously trying to make me open up and let her stuff it in. I shook my head and pursed my lips tightly, determined not to eat it.

Leila did not give up; she kept poking the fry at my mouth for two minutes straight. Finally, I opened my mouth and let her put the fry in. I closed my mouth and began to chew it. It was delicious, of course, but I wasn't feeling up to it. I finished chewing and swallowed the bite; Leila promptly put another fry in. I ate it, and she gave me another.

I did this until all my fries were finished. Then Leila gave me the chicken leg; this was what I had been dreading. I looked at her nervously, but she simply put the chicken in my hand and gave me a significant glance. I nodded and took a bite. My stomach was feeling quite tightened – squeezed, in a way – but I knew Leila would never let me live until I ate.

Chew, then swallow, chew, then swallow; that was how I coached myself through the first chicken leg – my stomach was really feeling dreadful. When I finished my third chicken leg, there was a strange taste in my mouth that had nothing to do with the food. I was sweating a little, and I requested, "Leils, I'm full. I'm feeling sick. Stop."

"You've eaten quite a bit – I'm satisfied," Leila said with a smile, taking my chicken and finishing it herself. "Good job, Lils."

I couldn't speak; something was happening in my stomach, and it wasn't good. With a sudden, sick clarity, I realized that I needed to throw up. I tried to breathe, but I couldn't. I tried to tell Leila what was going on, but I couldn't do that either. I couldn't move; I could only hope for the best. I closed my eyes, and let the sensation inside of me do what it had to – I threw up on the Gryffindor breakfast table.

I could hear Leila gasping, and trying to clean it up with her wand, but it kept coming. I doubled up, with my gut feeling like it had been tied into a knot, and continued to vomit. When it was all out, I coughed a few times, and felt a pair of cool hands on my forehead. They had to be a teacher's. I felt feeble, as though the littlest thing would knock me down and finish me off; the hands took me effortlessly off the bench, out of the Great Hall (which was now buzzing with talk as the witnesses shared the tale), and into the Hospital Wing.

There, Madam Pomfrey put me on one of the beds, put a wet towel on my head, and poured some potion into my mouth. I gulped it down and lay still, feeling my stomach instantly begin to calm down. I mumbled a thank you at the nurse, and took the towel off of my forehead.

"Keep that on," she said. "Lie down for a few minutes, and then go to class."

I nodded and did what she said; I felt better for it, too, but I really wanted to go see Leila in class. Miserable though I was, anything was better than staying in the Hospital Wing – that caused gossip, which was bad with capital letters. I tried to tell Madam Pomfrey this, but she insisted that my health came first – she would not let me argue the point, and kept me in bed despite my complaining.

The bell to start the class period rang, and I managed to convince Madam Pomfrey to let me go at last; she gave me a pass, and I scurried off to Transfiguration. When I walked in, everyone was already in place, and Professor McGonagall was in the middle of a lecture.

"Do you have a pass, Miss Evans?" she asked.

I nodded meekly and handed her the pass. I was thankful to see that Leila had still saved me a seat, and I walked towards her, wanting nothing more than to be invisible again. No such luck, however; Sirius called out to me as I passed.

"All right, Evans? We heard you upchucked at lunch," he said, making the class laugh.

Blushing, I said, "The only regret I have is that it wasn't on you, Black."

A few people laughed a bit more, but the room went mostly silent when I said that. I got to my seat and sat down, carefully avoiding the questioning eyes around me. McGonagall, who was not amused, said, "Thank you, Black, Evans. Now where were we? Ah yes, Switching Spells." She launched right back into her speech about Switching Spells, and I pulled out my parchment and quill to take notes. Leila let me borrow the few she had taken at the beginning of class and she whispered, "Are you okay? I'm so, so sorry I forced you to eat."

"I'm fine, and it's all right," I whispered back as I scribbled down notes. "If we're lucky, something went in and stayed in."

"I hope so," she said with a sigh. "I don't want anything to happen to you, Lils."

"I'm fine," I repeated. "We'll talk after class though – I have to listen now."

"Good idea." Leila smiled and we took more notes as Professor McGonagall demonstrated the correct wand movement for a Switching Spell.

The rest of the day was fairly unproductive, however – I'd had two episodes in one day, which caused plenty of talk and questions, but other than that, my day was ordinary. Leila and I finished our homework during tea, and after our final classes, we talked a lot. Thankfully, it was nothing about my throwing up or about James – we just chatted about what a git Sirius was, and about how much we hated Regina. Leila now had a new, passionate hatred for Regina after breakfast, and I whole-heartedly ranted with her.

"The nerve of that bitch!" Leila cried out, outraged. "Questioning you like that…as if you had any idea where James was!"

"I know," I said. "Sirius is busy passing comments about it, but no one really knows where he is besides his friends."

"Do you think Remus would tell us?" Leila contemplated.

A knot came into my gut, but it had nothing to do with lunch. "I don't know."

She caught on. "I'm sorry, Lil," she apologized. "It's just that I forget – its Remus after all, and he's the least likely person to have a relationship with you…no offence."

"None taken," I said morosely.

"I won't say his name again," Leila promised.

"Okay," I agreed, any good mood that I'd had during the day flooding clear out of me. "Thanks."

"But honestly – it killed him too," Leila pointed out. "You should really move on, Lil; you shouldn't do this to yourself."

"I'm not trying to – I can't help that I've managed to fall in love with him," I said.

"Being unhappy is a conscious choice, Lils," she told me.

I bit my lip. "Leils, I'm trying to forget about it, but it's tough; I dunno, it's almost as if I'm waiting for it all to fall into place – become the fairytale we all read about. I know it won't happen, but something in me just wishes it would, and I can't let go of it."

"He's not worth your tears," Leila said.

"He is," I said resolutely. "Remus is worth every single tear I've shed, because he is a brilliant person. He probably said no to me because I'm not. I don't mind crying for him."

Leila hugged me. "You _are_ brilliant, Lily; he adores you still – I can tell. Don't cry now; you were having a fair day today – better than the ones you've had before."

"You're right," I said. "I'm still pretty moody, and I'm sorry."

"It's all good," she said with a smile. "C'mon; let's go to dinner, shall we?"

"If you don't mind, I'm going up to the dormitory," I said.

Leila nodded. "That works. I'll see you after dinner, then." She waved at me and left; I walked up to the dormitory, the shards that used to be a working, passionate heart throbbing again, and I opened you, my diary, up to write about everything. I need you; I don't know what I'd do without you. It's as though you, being just a book, have helped me through the darkest times of my life so far. I don't know how, but I'm still in less than five pieces after all this – that's pretty remarkable.

I'm going to bed early tonight; I think I could use some sleep, and maybe if I can get my hands on the potion, a bit of memory loss.

**James**

January 20th

Dear Diary,

Georgie and Beth came by my room this morning, like I'd predicted, and we hung out again in Diagon Alley.

Hanging out with those two girls was fun, yes, but as we went to various stores and sites, laughing and teasing one another, I couldn't help but miss Lily. Georgie made a bunch of jokes that made me laugh, and Beth flirted quite a lot, but I wanted to have Lily with me instead. Georgie was funny, but it was Lily's dry sarcasm that made me laugh the most. Beth flirted, but I wanted to see Lily flirting instead – her long, stunning eyelashes fluttered delectably when she did that. I tried to have a good time, like I had the other day, but it was impossible – how could I have fun when I had left Lily Evans at Hogwarts?

"Say, what's on your mind, James?" Beth asked me while we were lounging around outside on the benches. "You're pretty quiet today."

"Nothing really," I said with a shrug, hoping I didn't seem to love-struck.

"Is it a girl?" Georgie teased.

"Well, yeah," I said. "I like this girl in school, and I miss her."

"What's her name?" Beth asked interestedly.

"Her surname is Evans."

"Evans?" Beth thought for a moment. "I can't think of a Pureblood family with the surname Evans."

"She's Muggleborn," I explained.

"You're in love with a Mudblood?" Georgie asked, seeming outraged.

"Oy, don't call her that!" I objected angrily.

"She is one," Georgie said. "You're better off here with us Purebloods, James."

"If he likes a girl, don't insult her, Georgie," Beth said, standing up for me. "She must be a good girl, if James likes her."

"She is," I said fervently. "She's beautiful, she's smart, she's charming, and she's beyond perfect. The only problem is that she hates me."

"I don't like her," Georgie proclaimed at once. "Any girl who hates you is my enemy."

I rolled my eyes. "She loves me, but likes to say she hates me – everyone knows the truth though."

"So this Evans…do you have a picture?" Beth inquired.

"Yeah," I said, pulling out a photograph of Lily in class; I had taken it a few days ago when no one was looking, and kept it with me when I was leaving. I gave it to Beth, and she looked at it with Georgie.

"That color of hair doesn't work for her," Georgie said critically. "You should tell her to dye it darker."

"She doesn't dye her hair," I said. "It's natural."

"Yeah, that's what she tells you," Georgie said with a snort. "No girl has hair that is naturally that color, Potter."

"Well, _she_ does," I said shortly.

"I think she's a sweet-looking girl, James – good choice," Beth said, smiling. Then she leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Georgie has a problem with you liking a girl that's not her – she's just like that. Don't take it personally, all right?"

I nodded and then turned to Georgie, who was in full rant about Lily. "She looks so drab!" she was saying, pointing at the picture. "Her hair is utterly fake, her eyes are too close together, her nose is too big for her face, and she is _so_ chunky."

"She is not chunky!" I said. "She's stick-thin!"

"She _is_ really thin, look at her arms," Beth said worriedly. "Are you sure she isn't ill? She doesn't look too well."

I looked closely at the picture and noticed that she was right – Lily did look a little off. "I'm sure she's fine."

"Maybe you should go home and make sure of that – I don't like how bony she is," Beth told me.

"I'm going home in a couple of days – I'll make sure she's all right," I said.

"What's her name, anyway?" Georgie asked with distaste.

"Guess," I said.

"Penelope," Beth tried.

"No," I said, grinning.

"Alexis."

"No."

"Emma."

"No."

"Emily."

"No."

"Anne."

"No."

"What letter does it start with?" Beth questioned.

"L," I responded.

"Leanne," Georgie said.

"No."

"Laura."

"No."

"Lauren?"

"No."

"What's her name, James?" Beth implored.

"Her name is Lily," I said, loving the familiar taste of her name on my lips.

"I hate lilies," Georgie said right away. "I like jasmines."

"Lily is a nice name," Beth said, almost reprimanding. "She seems like an excellent catch, James."

"She is," I said, smiling as I thought of her. "Listen, it's been great hanging out with the two of you, but I really want to go back to my room now; my friends have sent me some homework that I have to do."

"All right, bye James," Georgie said sorrowfully. "We're leaving tonight, so I guess it's good-bye forever."

"Yeah, but send us an owl, would you? We'd like to hear if things work out with this Lily Evans," Beth said, giving me a hug as we all got up.

I went back to my room then, forgetting about Georgie and Beth instantly, feeling like a part of me was missing. Then I realized – what was I doing there, away from Hogwarts and away from Lily? Why was I being such a coward? Why did I think that running away was going to solve everything? It wasn't going to do a thing, and now I knew it. I needed to go back – it was as simple as that.

When I sat on my bed, I found an owl waiting for me. It was my work, like I had expected, as well as another letter. I ripped it right open, and here's what it said:

_Dear James,_

_We're so bored, and the rumor mill is getting ridiculous – can you cut your trip short and come home? Please? It's too quiet without you. Besides, Lily's going ballistic – you'd love it. She could definitely use a shoulder to cry on – she spends half her time crying these days. Come back and win her over – it's the perfect moment. And we miss you._

_Sirius, Peter, and Remus_

_(But mostly Sirius)_

I read the letter through twice, my heart beating faster each second. Lily was going ballistic and crying all the time? Really? Was she all right? Did Remus do something? Had Sirius raped her (it could happen, I thought dourly)? What was going on?!

I grabbed a piece of parchment and wrote,

_Dear Marauders,_

_I'm coming back on the twenty third – in three days. Take care of Lily for me, would you? Sirius, don't you dare get anywhere near her; tell Remus to do it. Peter…just keep him away from Lily as well, if you please. I'm getting what I need here, and I can't come back just yet._

_James_

I sent it off and lay back on my bed, thinking achingly of Lily. In truth, I wasn't sure why the desire to be near her came to me at that moment, but it did, and my goodness it hurt like hell. I couldn't stay still; all I could think of was Lily – I needed her. I ended up hugging my pillow, wishing it was her that was pressed up right against me instead of a stuffed piece of linen. Stupid and desperate though the action was, it helped.

I know now that I love Lily Evans to death, no matter how upset I am at her and no matter what she does to me. Now, all I have to do is go back to Hogwarts and tell her about it.

It's much easier said than done, let me tell you that.

_A/N: Yay! James's head is screwed back on again! Now all we have to do is get Lily's to do the same thing…lol she will eventually, I promise. And just so you know, the only reason Georgie was acting all bitchy about Lily was because she hates Muggleborns and likes James, in case that wasn't clear. But I hope you liked that, and will leave me a review. :D_


	27. People We Love

_A/N: Okay, I don't know if I like this chapter – I'm terrified that they're out of character, and it's just…oh, I don't know, I just don't like it. If you feel the same way as I do, I'm really sorry, but I'm posting this version anyway. It's very sad-making for Lily, just to warn you; I was wrestling with my tears as I went. Maybe it's because I'm just woefully overemotional, but that's what I think. Just try to make it through this chapter please?_

**Lily**

January 22nd

Dear Diary,

Guess what I've been doing.

Crying.

Yup, you guessed right. You win a million Galleons.

No, you don't. You win my account of what happened. Aren't you lucky? I bet you feel that way.

But the whole dilemma started this morning, when I was sitting down at breakfast with Leila. I wasn't eating, but Leila was busy pouring maple syrup all over her waffles and repeatedly asking me if I wanted to eat anything. I said I didn't, thank you, but she continued to ask. She told me that I could get sick if I didn't eat breakfast, but I reminded her what happened the last time she force-fed me; she shrugged and continued to eat, knowing that arguing with me wasn't a good idea. I put my hands on the table and promptly put my chin on them; it was only breakfast, and I still wanted to go back to bed.

That was when Remus came by. I didn't even know he was there – he never said anything or poked me to show his presence. Leila ended up being the one to poke my arm and gesture at Remus; I looked up and my heart skipped a beat. He was so achingly familiar and lovely; I hadn't been so close to him since New Years. I bit my lip in a pathetic attempt at keeping back tears.

"Look, Lily, can you find me in that little room near our common room after lessons end today? We really need to talk," he whispered.

"Yes," I whispered back, my throat dry.

"All right," he said. "Thank you." Then he left, which put both me and Leila into hysterics.

"What do you think he'll talk to you about?" Leila asked excitedly.

"I don't know, but I have a feeling I'll regret going," I said, feeling myself go pale. "Last time we had a word, I didn't come out of it looking too great."

"Lil, there is _nothing_ that he can do to you to hurt you more," Leila said soothingly.

"That was what I thought before, but I turned out wrong," I said. "Should I just tell him no?"

"No way," Leila said. "See what he wants – you know that you want to."

"I do," I admitted. "I still love him very much, but I don't know if I could stand it."

"You can and you will, Lils," Leila told me bracingly. "Because I must know what happens – the only way for that to happen is if you go and talk to him."

I rolled my eyes, and she laughed. "I'm kidding. But seriously – go to him. He might be ready to take you this time."

"Don't get my hopes up," I said. "It'll only make it harder when that isn't the case."

Leila gave me a quick hug. "Sweetie, don't worry – you won't regret it. Remus is not a mean person."

"Not intentionally," I said mournfully. "I have to go, Leils; see you in class."

I got up to leave, but as I passed into the Entrance Hall, Kyleigh was walking by. I didn't stop walking – she wasn't worth it – so I kept going. She, however, bumped right into my side and said in my ear, "Bitch."

"Slut," I said back automatically, without emotion, completely ready for the insult; that was what Kyleigh always did when she was mad at me. She glared as she went upstairs, but I didn't; the emotion that had been raging throughout me recently was gone, leaving me detached and utterly robotical. I did not even know what was wrong with me this time – it was just screwed up beyond belief.

However, I went up to class five minutes early, got ready, and saved a seat for Leila. She came, she got ready, and eventually, the rest of the class filed in, full and happy from a hearty breakfast. I had been like that once; life had been easy, and I hadn't had the guilt of James Potter on my head – I could laugh and have a good time. No such luck nowadays.

The rest of the day was irrelevant; I only wanted it to end. I needed to talk to Remus. I paid little attention to my lessons – I only watched him. He was just so cute; his gray eyes were so expressive, and made my heart ache all over again. I wished that he liked me; I wished that I could be with him. He was the only one I had ever wanted, but he wasn't interested. He pretended I didn't exist. He obviously thought I could do the same. As if I could; you can't just block out the people you love. Leila caught me looking at him and gently turned my head away, for which I was grateful – even though it hurt to look at Remus, I did it anyway without being able to control myself. I was in love – what could I do?

Finally, after a long, excruciating day of waiting, I went to the room Remus had told me to meet him in. I thought I was too early, and I would have to wait for him; that was why I was so surprised that he was there, already waiting for _me_.

"Hey," he said quietly when I sat on an unused desk.

"Hi," I said lamely; I was so deficient when it came to talking to boys.

"Listen, I'm sorry," he said at once. "I'm sorry I rejected you on New Years, and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner. James told me it was a bad idea, but now that he's not here, I knew I had to."

"Why do you even listen to him?" I asked. "I've told you before – he controls everyone, and I would hate for him to do it to you too."

"I know," he said. "But James is my best friend, and I needed a plan of action – he gave me one, I couldn't think of a better one, so I used it."

I bit my lip again. "Well, what did you want to say?"

"That I know you think I hate you or something, and I needed to tell you it's not true," said Remus. "I could never hate you, Lil; you're a wonderful person, and I can't imagine anyone in the world hates you."

"You don't have to imagine much, because Kyleigh does," I said bitterly.

"She's just angry – that clouds judgment," he said easily. "Lils, no one hates you. I promise you that."

"I have something to tell you too," I told him. "Remus, I do like you. Still."

Those striking gray eyes clouded with something I couldn't decipher. "Lily, I like you too. Still."

"Where does that leave us?" Don't break me again, I thought desperately. Don't do that again.

"I don't know," Remus said uncomfortably. "You're my best friend's crush – I don't know what we're supposed to do."

"We can…we can do what we want without worrying about James," I said. "I can never have what I want because of him – this is just one time too many."

"I suppose," he said slowly.

"I shouldn't have to ask his permission just to like you," I said, a little stronger that time.

"That's true." I was bending him; this was excellent.

"I can do what I want, and if I want to do this, I can, and I will." I seized his shoulders, and, finally listening to that little voice in my head, I kissed him. It wasn't soft and quick like the last one; it was the kiss I'd been dying to give him for ages. I settled into it, and I kept going; it felt sweeter than anything I'd ever felt, and I loved it.

Surprisingly, I met no resistance; he wanted it just as much as I did. Cautiously, his hands found my waist, and mine just continued to sit on his shoulders. I don't even know how long we kissed; I just knew it was a long time, and it was heavenly. When I finally pulled away, my vision went straight to his eyes, and I was sorry to find that there was guilt in them.

"Lily, this isn't right," he told me nearly inaudibly. "You can do whatever you want…just not this."

"Why not?" I demanded, dangerously close to crying all over again.

He closed his eyes, seemingly to not look at me without appearing rude. "You know why not."

"You keep leading me on," I cried. "Why can't you make this real? Why do you have to torture me?" This couldn't be fair; this was what happened to me last time.

Remus took a deep breath, and took my hand in both of his. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Lily Evans, no matter who we have relationships with, you will be the first I ever…I ever fell for. But James is one of my very best friends – I can't do this to him. Besides that, there are things about me that I can't ask you to deal with – ever."

"I'll deal with them," I wailed. "I just want _you_, Remus – there's nothing worse than not having you."

"There are worse things in life than not having me," he said simply. "But I-I do love you, despite everything – can you believe that?"

I couldn't take it; I fell to him, and I buried my face in his shoulder. "I want to," I said in a muffled voice as I broke down.

His comforting arms were around me and I cried, yet again. I made myself stop somehow, because I didn't want to dirty his robes, but I was still distraught as I gazed at him again.

"After all of this, can you still be one of my closest friends?" he requested.

I nodded, wiping my eyes.

"Are you going to be all right?"

I shook my head.

"For me?"

I hesitated, but still shook my head.

"Please?"

I bit my lip for the third time and nodded very, very gradually.

"Thank you."

I simply watched him, drinking in the sight of his features – the small dimples, those lovely gray eyes, and his light brown hair.

"Do you want me to take you back to the common room?"

I nodded again.

He smiled slightly, and took my hand. Then, he thought about it for a moment, and put his arm around my waist. I smiled weakly and let him take me down the corridor. He was so soft and warm…I loved having him there with me; the trip to our common room was far too short for me. I ran up to my dormitory and grabbed my bag, while Remus Summoned his, being too lazy to get it, for once. He sat down on the sofa and I sat down with him; and together, we did our homework.

Even though we couldn't be together, being Remus's friend was enough for me. He smiled at me whenever he looked at me, and I often forgot about my homework for a few minutes to admire how beautiful he looked in the firelight. I knew he was just letting me stay because he felt bad – I didn't dare let myself believe his statement of loving me – but it was still something, which was better than nothing, which I knew firsthand.

However, after we were done with our work and went to go to our own dormitories, I leaned in a little – I wanted one more taste of him before I let him go. He turned his head away from me though, and said in an undertone, "We can only be friends, Lil; just friends. I'm breaking the rules doing this too."

He opened the door to his dormitory, and I opened the door to mine, feeling the melancholy gloom colonizing into my chest. I couldn't have him. We could pretend that I could, but I couldn't. How I loved him. That kiss had felt like everything. His voice, his face, his hair, his eyes…everything about him kept replaying in my head. Life wasn't fair. Nobody could see how magnificent Remus really was – it seemed to only be me. So, if that was the case, why couldn't I have him? I got into my dormitory and lay on my bed again, doing what I had been trying to avoid doing lately. My tears fell silently down my cheeks, and the world seemed to come down on me again, like it had the night he had first rejected me. That had been the same sort of thing – I told him I loved him, he said, in so many words, that he loved me too, we kissed once, and then he left me. I hated everything. I couldn't have him, so life wasn't worth it anymore. I couldn't have him, and that hurt the most out of everything fate had thrown at me before.

Leila walked into the dormitory a few minutes later, and saw me. She rushed straight to me and asked, "So how did it go?"

I looked at her eager face, and I whispered, "I can't have him. We love each other, but we can't be together. He kissed me, we did our homework together, and then he left me in the common room."

"Really?" Her eyes were wide. "Start at the beginning and tell me everything."

And so I did; I told her every word he had said, every word I had said, every gesture shared, and every expression on his face. When I was done, she sighed. "It must be horrible, loving someone like that, and not being able to have it work out."

"You have no idea," I sobbed, resting my head on her shoulder.

She put her arm around my waist and squeezed me. "Hang in there, Lils. Fate will bring you together if it was meant to work. If not, then something else will work better."

"I have never wanted anyone but Remus," I said defiantly.

"Maybe you will want someone else later," she said. "Like I told you – hang in there. I promise; things will get better."

I sighed. "Really?"

"Of course," she said. "Don't worry about it, love; things will improve."

I wanted to believe her – truly, I did – but at the same time, I knew that she was probably wrong. I told her that; "Leils, there's some kind of rule about me not having a happy ending – it's not happening."

"Don't say that," she said. "Hey, listen; I've got to eat dinner now – I'll be back in about twenty minutes, all right? I know you don't want to go, so I'm leaving you in here."

"Thanks," I said tonelessly. "See you."

She gave my shoulder another squeeze and ran out of the room; Leila sure did have an appetite. The moment she was gone, I pulled you, my diary, out again. I just don't know what's wrong with everything – I just want Remus, but it's Remus I can't have. It's not fair. I love him. I've never loved anyone more. He's The One for me; I can just feel it. So why can't we be together? Why can't we date and not feel guilty about it? Why do we have to hide in unused classrooms to kiss? It was eating me up inside; the harder I fall for him, the more pieces I break into.

I don't even know what's left of me anymore; I'm broken goods, and I'm not compatible with any glue known to man. The only glue I'll take is Remus, but they don't really sell that sort of glue to people like me.

**James**

January 20th

Dear Diary,

Today, I didn't even leave my room. I've been thinking about Lily, and it's driving me insane. I've been thinking about her for the past…oh, I don't know…day and it's enough to drive me crazy.

It actually started from a bizarre dream I'd had. It focused on Lily, of course, and we were outside, by the Black Lake; she was telling me that she was in love with me. I said, "Finally!" She giggled and said that I was cute when I was excited. I lifted her up and we spun around, laughing, until we both fell into the lake. I took her hand and swam her over to the side, and realized that she was dead – the Giant Squid had managed to eat her head while I had been swimming. I tried to get help, but there was no one there. I woke up, shouting, and drenched in cold sweat. The morning sun beat down on my face, reminding me that I was in London, and Lily did not lose her head to the Giant Squid. I relaxed at that point, but I still couldn't shake the image of her laughter from my brain. I'm a sucker for Lily Evans; isn't that common knowledge already?

I got up, dressed, washed up, but all the while, I could only think of Lily. Her red hair…it was ever so soft. I got the chance to touch it once when she wasn't expecting it, and it was beyond great. Her eyes…I'd always loved her eyes. They were the reason I first fell in love with her. They were incredibly expressive, and the loveliest shade of green that was possible to find. She had a delicate face – beautifully set – and she was just thin enough to be willowy, but not thin enough to bring up those Muggle anorexia suspicions. She was perfect on the outside, she was perfect on the inside…she was the only one perfect enough for me, and she didn't even know it. How unfair was that?

I lay back on my newly-made bed, deep in thought. She was always on my mind. I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. I wasn't a kissing virgin by any means, but I was definitely a virgin to feeling something like what I felt for Lily. That feeling was more _painful_ than anything else, really; you waited for her, you ached for her, and when you finally saw her, she blew you off and left you there, oblivious to how she just broke your heart. It was just how she operated, and after a while, you got used to it. At first, it used to kill me every time she cast me aside, but as the years went by, I got more immune to it. By now, I've forgotten how that felt, but it's come back today, and I can definitely remember how it worked.

The sensation in my stomach that I'm getting right now is not really describable in words, so the best way I can put it is a despair – an icy, yet fiery despair, creeping up through my veins, filling me with unquenchable yearning and inexpressible agony. Geez, I never even knew I knew what those words were – Lily seems to have that effect on me, where I discover something about myself that I've never known before. But back to the point – it hurts insanely. It's the kind of pain they invent swear words for, I reckon. It's bad though – really bad. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of my life if I don't marry her.

She's just The One for me. I know that one for a fact. She's the best for me – I've never felt like this about anyone else, as already mentioned. There are just some things in life you _know_ – your inner instincts just scream at you to believe it and you do – and loving Lily is one of them for me. We're going to be together somehow – we have to be. No one can deny that we are the perfect couple. I mean, my ego is apparently huge (don't know where that one came from), and hers isn't – she could keep it in check. She has a wild temper, and I could calm her. I take risks, and I could probably persuade her to take some with me – that girl needs some adventure in her life. Alternately, if I'm doing something stupid, she can stop me. See? It works. Lily and I are meant to be.

I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I knew this truth all along – all it took was a very nit-picky Georgie Walters to remind me of it. I'm not going to go home early – I like being away from the teachers too much – but I do know that when I get back, Lily and I indisputably have a bit of talking to do.

_A/N: I know James's was terribly short, but how long do you expect me to rant about how Lily is perfect for him? Haha. But I enjoyed contrasting the whole 'The One' stuff; Lily is James's One that rejects him, Remus is (for now) hers – kind of funny that way, eh? xD But anyhow, leave a review please! _


	28. What Do I Really Think?

_A/N: Okay, I'm missing James; it's time for him to come home and catch up to the drama going on for Miss Evans. :) This is a fairly awkward and super long chapter so I hope you enjoy it! I know that Lily doesn't enjoy what was going on – you'll just have to see why. Lol. And don't forget to review. :P_

**Lily**

January 23rd

Dear Diary,

James came back about an hour before breakfast this morning, and quite honestly, I don't know what I was thinking – having him here is horrible, and I wish he would leave again.

He entered school through the front doors to tumultuous applause; of course, he put his arm up in the air, lazily acknowledging the pleasure from his many fans, and walked up to Gryffindor Tower to pack away his things from the middle of a huge throng of people. Leila was one of those numerous admirers that began to bombard him with questions about where he had been, but I wasn't – I went to my own dormitory and did my work through breakfast; not only was I not hungry, I didn't want to see James.

When it came time for class, I went a little early, only to find James already there, lounging around on the desks with his friends. They looked up at me the moment I entered the room, but James grinned widely at me.

"Hey Evans," he said. He looked me up and down for some reason, and then told me, "I'm back."

"Is that supposed to thrill me?" I asked sarcastically.

"It thrills _me,_" said Sirius. "Now I don't have to be the message-relay person."

"Oh, stop whining," I snapped. "I only asked you to relay _one_ message for me."

"Speaking of which, when will I get an explanation on recent events?" James inquired. "I haven't forgotten, you know."

"I didn't expect you to," I said. "But I'll explain during lunch – you should be honored, because that's usually my study time."

"Sure," he said. "I'll flag you down at the Gryffindor table and we'll chat."

"I'm not eating lunch today," I said. "And if you want your explanation, neither are you; you're going to meet me in the common room where it is more private, and we'll talk there."

"So you're trying to try to starve my best friend?" Sirius asked fiercely.

"No, Black," I said. "I'm sure he went to the Ice Cream Parlor in Diagon Alley and gorged himself stupid – ahem, stupider than usual – so missing one meal won't kill nor starve him. If anything, it'll help his stomach get more accustomed to digesting real food again."

"I think she's psychic," Peter whispered in James's ear.

"She's also got ears, so you might as well say that aloud – I'll hear it either way," I said. Being nasty certainly helped; I could siphon all my frustration out and put it on them instead.

"Lily, please," Remus said, catching on to this method of self-preservation. "Can you please be a little more polite?"

"Yeah, Lily," Sirius goaded me, laughing.

I waved my wand once, and Sirius's pants fell, revealing his navy blue boxer shorts. He pulled them up nonchalantly, but then I waved my wand again; this time, his underwear reached up from under his boxers and gave him an enormous wedgie. Peter and James burst out laughing, but Remus did not. He waved his wand and put Sirius's underwear right (revealing him swearing away at me); then he gave me a meaningful look that made my viciousness melt right away.

"Sorry," I said resignedly.

"Bitch," Sirius said.

James pulled his wand out threateningly. "Take that back."

Sirius rolled his eyes and went to his seat, unwilling to stay near me. Remus went with him after giving me one more look and Peter made a face at me before going to his friends. James stayed in his spot though, and asked, "Will you sit with me?"

"No," I said. "I'm going to sit with Leila."

"What about Kyleigh?"

"Haven't you heard? We're not friends," I informed him. "And it's your bloody fault, by the way."

"_My_ fault?" His eyes narrowed. "How can that be _my_ fault?"

"You left," I said. "Kyleigh thought it was me who forced you to leave, we fought, and now she thinks I'm some sort of bitch, like Sirius does. I think that's where she gets the over-usage of that word."

James looked confused. "So you lost your best friend because I left Hogwarts for a week? Merlin, where has this place gone to?"

I shrugged. "Either way, she and I aren't friends. Now are we set for lunch?" I said, trying to hide all the hurt that was still in me after my fight with Kyleigh.

"Yeah, of course," he said. "I'm always set for time with you, Lil."

"Damn you," was all I said as I stomped off to the back of the room to sit in my usual seat. I put my head down and tried to take a deep breath, but it was difficult; I was overwhelmed with emotions. First, I was somehow happy to see James back – don't ask why – but I was also annoyed at Sirius, frustrated about Remus, indifferent to Peter, sorry to see James while still being pleased about it, guilty about Kyleigh, and simply confused about how all of those could fit together. Now James was probably furious because of what I had said, but it didn't matter; I didn't care. I hated him. I liked it better when he was away in London when he couldn't befuddle me like he did when he was near me.

Leila bounced into the classroom then, shattering my muddled thought process, and took her seat next to me. "Hey Lils!"

"I'm screwed up," I moaned when I lifted my head up for a moment. "Really screwed up."

"Aww, what happened?" she asked.

I told her the dialogue that had been exchanged between me, James, and Sirius, and Leila groaned, both aggravated and amused.

"Lil, I will never understand you," she said. "Come on, he'll forgive you. Get your head up and let's try to get through class, shall we?"

I knew that she was more irritated with my negativity and response to James's return than she let on, but she said nothing, for which I was very grateful. We did get through the class and the classes after it as well, but it was kind of tricky, seeing as Leila was trying to make me apologize to James.

"It's rude to say that and not express regret, Lily," she kept saying.

"It's also rude to literally stalk me for five years, leave one fine day, make me lose my best friend, and then bother me the moment he gets back," I pointed out when she said that. "I'm not going to say sorry. And, if I'm really lucky, he will be so annoyed with me that he won't come to the common room during lunch."

"Not going to happen," Leila said. "He's missed you – I'm positive that you had taken a second to take a good look at him, you would have seen it."

"I would have thrown up again," I said.

Leila rolled her eyes. "Oh please, Lily; you are so mean to him!"

"Some people just deserve it, Leils," I said matter-of-factly. "James is one of them. Sirius, I would say, is the other. Remus is too sweet, and Peter is too quiet. And stupid."

Leila sighed. "I really wish you'd give James a chance. I mean, Sirius is an arse, which we've always known, but James isn't. While he and Sirius seem like twins at first glance, they're not once you look deeper. Sirius is shallow and flirty, while James is…I don't know, so adorable and deep. You would love him if you knew him completely."

"Well, thankfully, I don't, so I'm still allowed to hate him," I dismissed. The bell rang then, and I swore. "Damn, it's time for that stupid thing with Potter. I'll see you later; come up to the common room and find me, all right? I'll be up there, and if things go well, you're going to see him hanging upside down from the chandelier."

"Let's hope things go horribly then," Leila said with a twinkle in her eye. "See you later, Lils." She waved to me and left to go to lunch; I, on the other hand, tried to prepare myself to go up to talk to James. I went to the couch in the common room, and I sat there, waiting. It didn't take long for James to bounce right in from the portrait hole and locate me.

"Hey!" he said cheerfully, my rudeness earlier apparently forgotten.

"Hi," I said grudgingly.

"Nice to see you," he said with a grin, taking a seat in front of me. "I've missed you – so much."

"Yeah, I'm sure you did," I said.

"But I want to know what's been going on while I was gone," said James. "Can you fill me in?"

"I daresay your friends have already done that," I said.

"They have, but I'd like to hear about _you_." James smiled again. "I'm all ears – share away."

"Kyleigh and I fought, I had a huge variety of mood swings, and I managed to, as Sirius would say, upchuck my lunch a few days ago," I recounted. "Other than that, nothing much." I purposely left out my fateful conversation with Remus though; James did not need to know about that.

"I see," said James. "Have you made up with Kyleigh?"

"No, and I don't plan to any time soon," I said, hoping I sounded casual despite my stomach flip-flopping madly. Then I realized something strange – it might not have been the thought of Kyleigh that caused the reaction.

"Aww, why not?" His hazel eyes were imploring; why was I melting before it? This had never happened before. "You're best friends."

"That's what I thought too, but it's not important – not to you anyway." I tried to shake myself mentally; what was wrong?! Why were his eyes suddenly so beautiful?! Why was I melting?! It was craziness!!!

"It is important to me," said James, somehow casual during my abrupt mental dilemma. "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"No," I said shortly, trying to regain control over myself. "Is there anything else I need to explain for you?"

"Yeah, there is," James said. "I just want to know what are with these swings in mood; you've never been that way before."

"Oh, I'm just being pathetic," I admitted. "Leave me alone."

"Tell me," James insisted. "I want to know."

"Trust me – you don't," I told him.

"If it has to do with you, I certainly do," he assured me. "Tell me."

"It's just…there are a lot of things on my mind right now, and I'm trying to balance them all, but it's not going too well," I confessed. "I'm being a bitch – Sirius is kind of right that way – and I just need to be alone so that I can get myself together again."

James looked at me thoughtfully. "I see. Well, is there anything I can do?"

"You can stop questioning me and do what I said before – leave me alone, and go away," I suggested.

He grinned. "Lily, when are you going to understand that no matter how badly-behaved you are, I'm going to love you anyway? When will you open your eyes and see I'm right here, waiting for you? When will you realize that there are some things you can't do alone – that there are some things you need someone's help for?"

I swallowed, trying to formulate coherent answers. When I got them, I said, "For your first question, I am never going to understand that you're going to love me because most of the time, when a girl is being horrible, the guy doesn't love her anymore. When will I open my eyes and see that you're waiting? Um, never. I don't want you to wait for me. I'm not coming for you – sorry. When will I realize that there are some things I can't do alone? I've already got things mostly under control, so I won't need to realize that."

James nodded. "I'm going to love you no matter what. You need to comprehend that, Miss Evans, because it's not going to change. I'm still going to wait, because I know that you and I are going to be together somehow, and I'm still going to implore that you please tell me what's going on so that I can get you all the way in control."

His offer was tempting, I am sorry to report. I wanted to get over things. I wanted to move on. I wanted to rebuild, to cleanse. But in a jolt, I remembered that this was James Potter – the same James Potter that had proved to have not a serious bone in his body for years. This boy was the one that made my life miserable. This boy was the reason the person I really loved couldn't be with me. This boy was the cause of everything that had ever gone wrong – my friendship with Kyleigh had only gone awry because we had argued our opinions over him. I could _not_, after all that he'd done to me, accept his help. That was why I shook my head and said, "No, James. I'm not going to let you ruin me again."

"Ruin you?" He wrinkled his nose. I noticed that this was a trait among all four Marauders – they always wrinkled their noses when they were confused. "Lily, why would I ruin you?"

"You've driven me crazy for years," I said. "You're the reason I can't look a boy in the eye and say, 'I love you.' You're the reason boys are scared to talk to me – they think that you'll punish them for hitting on me, when they weren't."

"Lils, I'm sorry," he said, his voice throbbing with sincerity. "I really am. But I'm different this year."

"Then why did Severus Snape end up with insects in his pants a few weeks ago?" I asked. When he didn't have an answer, I continued, "See? You're exactly the same, and I'm still not interested. I'm sorry."

"You're not," he said. "But it's all right."

"I am," I told him. "I want to believe you, but I know I can't." I wanted to kick myself; why had I said that?!

James shrugged. "I'm used to it by now. But I guess there's nothing really left to say – do you want to get some lunch?"

"No," I said. "Like I said, this is my study time."

"You're not eating lunch?" This fact seemed to bother him more than it should.

"No," I said again. "I almost never do. Why?"

"That's so unhealthy! No wonder you're looking so skinny!" He grabbed my wrist. "Come downstairs – you have to eat."

I held my ground. "The last time I ate, I threw up. I'm not going through the humiliation again."

"That's because your systems weren't used to having food in them, which is really bad," James said. "Come on. You can sit with me and I can ensure you get something in your stomach that stays. What did you eat, out of curiosity?"

"No thank you," I said. "But Leila force-fed me fries and chicken."

"That's why you threw up," he said. "That's not the right thing to give to a tender stomach."

"Really, James," I said. "I'm tired. Can I go study?"

"No," he declined. "You're coming to lunch."

I took my wrist away from him. "I'm not going to lunch, thank you very much."

"Yes, you are." He regained his grip on my wrist. "Merlin, Evans! Your wrist is abnormally thin."

"It is?" I examined my free one. "I don't think so."

"It is," he confirmed. "Come _on_, Lily."

I shook my head. "No!" I took my wrist again, but this time, I kept it behind my back. "Don't you dare try to drag me down. I'm staying up here and that's final. You got what you wanted, and now I'm done."

He exhaled, frustrated. "Fine. I'm going to lunch though, and if you knew what was good for you, you would come with me." He left the portrait hole, and I immediately pulled you out, diary. My stomach is out of control and I don't even know why. Why had he affected me that way all of a sudden? What did it mean? What was going on?! The last time I had felt like this was when I had fallen in love with Remus…

No. No, no, no, no. NO. I am NOT in love with James. No, no, no, no, no, _no_. This can _not_ be happening. I'm not going to let it happen. I am not in love with him. I can't be. It isn't right. It can't be so out-of-the-blue either; love is gradual. It isn't some explosion in the pit of your stomach that defines your whole life for you. It's not done. That's why it can't be love. It also can't be love because I loathe him. I would dearly love to throw James off the Astronomy Tower; if that's love, I'm scared to see hatred. So NO, I am NOT in love with James! Let that be clear _right now_. I am _**NOT IN LOVE**_.

I am never going to be in love with James Potter, and that's my final word – both of this entry and of this matter.

**James**

January 23rd

Dear Diary,

I'm home!

It sounds like I'm happy, but in actuality, I'm just relieved; I had missed a lot socially (I didn't care about academically) that I needed to catch up with.

The moment I stepped into the castle, people came after me. I didn't even know who half of them were – they all just wanted to know where I had gone, how I was doing, and things like that. I cruised through, hoping I looked nonchalant, even though they were all driving me crazy. All I really wanted to do was get up to the common room and find Sirius, Remus, and Peter, and with a little bit of suave talk, that's exactly what I did.

"Prongs!" Sirius gave me an enormous bear hug the moment he saw me. "It's been a long week – nice to have you back."

"Hey Pads," I said, hugging him back. "Seriously – I met these two ridiculously good-looking girls over there; I have their numbers for you."

"Excellent," Sirius said happily. "That's even better than having you back!"

Remus snorted. "Very sentimental, Sirius. Hi James." He held his hand out to shake, being the polite guy that he was, but I gave him a bear hug anyway. I gave Peter one as well, and he beamed at me.

"It's great to see you, Prongs!" he said.

"Of course it is," I replied with a laugh. "I missed you too, Wormtail."

Peter looked rather pleased, but I sat down. "So…what's been going on?" I asked.

"Everything!" Sirius exploded. "I went out with Kyleigh a bunch, and I think she's a keeper. She's an awesome kisser."

"Thanks for the insight," I said. "Anything else? Remus, was Lily all right?"

"Not really," Remus admitted. "She threw up a few days back."

I nearly fell out of my chair. "What?"

"She did," Peter said. "It was gross."

"Is she all right?!" I demanded.

"Relax," Sirius said. "She's fine. I don't see why you care anyway – aren't you done with her?"

"No," I said. "I realized that while I was hanging out with those girls I mentioned; I love Lily, and there's nothing more anyone can do about it."

Peter groaned. "But it was for the better if you were done! Why did you do this?"

"We were so happy for you, Prongs," Sirius said mournfully. "Why did you break your streak?"

"Look, I didn't murder her or anything, so I don't know why you sound so upset," I said. "I love her. She's everything to me."

"Your perseverance is sweet, James, but sometimes you need to know when to give it up," Remus said softly. "She's been through enough without you getting on her back."

"You mean you dumping her? Yeah, I know, but I'm the right one for her," I insisted. "You'll see. But is she all right other than that?"

"I think she's losing weight," Sirius said. "I mean, she was kind of chunky before, but now she's perfect." Déjà vu hit me then, but I ignored it as I looked to the other two boys.

"She's looking a lot better, I agree with Sirius," Peter said.

"She's not looking better!" Remus objected. "She's ill! You can see it! I just don't know what's wrong. She's rather private – she doesn't want anyone to know what's going on in her life."

"I'm going to break that," I vowed. "I will be there for Lily Evans no matter what, and by the end of the year, she will be in love with me; you mark my words."

"Consider them marked," Peter said, nodding. "And when you're wrong, am I allowed to gloat?"

"No," I snapped. "You won't gloat because I'll end up right!"

"Let her go," Sirius advised. "Honestly, mate; she's not worth all this trouble. She's not worth your affection either."

"You're right," I said.

"I am? I mean, of course I am," Sirius said, correcting himself with a triumphant tone and grin to match.

"Lily is worth the affections of someone better than me, but for now, she's stuck with me," I announced.

Peter groaned loudly, and Sirius banged his head against the wall. Remus laughed and said, "James, I've never heard you say something that…level-headed before."

I shrugged. "There aren't many better people out there, which is why I'm here to fill in."

"That was _almost_ a level-headed comment," Remus said with a grin. "Congratulations, James."

I smirked. "Okay, so is there anything else that I would want to know about?"

"Lily and Leila had a catfight with Regina a few days back," Peter offered.

"Merlin!" I yelped. "What happened?"

"Lily threw hexes, Leila jumped on her and because of Regina's swearing habits, they both got out of detentions. And then Lily wrote 'Regina is a bitch' in wand-letters in the middle of the hall." He laughed. "That instance and the day at the Firehouse are the only two times I've ever really liked her."

"It was hysterical," Peter agreed. "You would have loved it."

"It wasn't hysterical," Remus argued crossly. "Lily acted rather rashly; she could have gotten herself into a lot of trouble."

"That's the point," Sirius said, looking at Remus as though he was completely obtuse.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Really, Sirius. But other than that, nothing of consequence really happened."

"Unless you count Sirius getting in bed with Kyleigh three times," Peter said.

"Pads, you're going to get her pregnant one day," I said, smirking again. "That won't be good."

"She chooses the times so that it doesn't happen," Sirius said defensively.

Peter and I laughed, but Remus didn't. "That's quite irresponsible," he told him.

"So?" It was a lost cause; Sirius never cared about unreliability.

Remus gave it up, and Sirius said, "All right; what do you say to some breakfast?"

"I say the last one there is a Snivelly!" I dashed down the stairs with Sirius and Peter in tow; Remus came down at his own pace, unimpressed by my wonderful statement. We got to the Great Hall, and there, we gorged down some breakfast while I shooed away people who wanted to know where I had been. It was quite a task; I ended up using Peter as a shield. That worked quite well, and I was able to get to class a little early.

"It's so weird to be in here when there are no students or teachers," Sirius said, lying across a desk. "But I kind of like it."

"How immature," Remus said, rolling his eyes at Sirius, who made a face at him.

"Let me enjoy this moment, would you please, Moony?" he requested.

Peter hopped up on a desk and began to leap across to the next desk. "I like this," he said. "We should have tried this ages ago."

Sirius and I began to leap across the desks with him, and I discovered that I liked it. Remus sighed and sat down in his seat; he watched with distaste as we laughed and tried to push each other to the floor. Finally, we lay across different desks and began to talk about how much fun we'd had; there definitely was a certain joy to jumping around an empty classroom.

After a few minutes, Lily walked in. We stopped talking at once, and we looked at her. My chest began to flutter, and my stomach tightened at the sight of her; the impulse to run up to her and kiss her was nearly too powerful to hold down. I was tremendously glad to see her; I had missed her so, so much. However, I looked her over, to see how thin she was, and I got quite a surprise.

Lily was looking, if possible, worse than in the picture I'd taken. She appeared to be exhausted; there were bags around her eyes and her hair was tied back in a messy ponytail, obviously to keep it out of her face. I was horrified; what had happened to her?!

"Hey Evans," I said cheerfully. "I'm back."

"Is that supposed to thrill me?" While she looked different, she unquestionably didn't act different; it was the same old Lily on the inside, and that provided little comfort.

"It thrills _me_," Sirius cut in. "Now I don't have to be the message-relay person."

"Oh stop whining," she told him. "I only asked you to relay _one_ message for me."

"Speaking of which, when will I get my explanation?" I asked.

She told me that she would tell me during lunch in the common room. Sirius objected – "Are you trying to starve my best friend?" – and that caused her to give a sarcastic retort, which, of course, Sirius didn't like. She argued with Peter as well; she was in quite a mood. She was only subdued by Remus, who calmly asked her to please calm down; even when she lifted Sirius up with her wand to make his pants fall off and give him a wedgie, Remus made her apologize with nothing more than a few glances. I found myself wishing that she respected me enough to listen to me when I did something like that.

"Sorry," she said to Sirius, sounding tired.

"Bitch," Sirius said at once.

"Take that back!" I pointed my wand at him; no matter what Lily did, I was going to ensure that Sirius didn't insult her. He rolled his eyes at her and went to his seat; Peter and Remus went with him, leaving me there with her.

"Will you sit with me?" I asked.

"No, I'm sitting with Leila," she said.

"What about Kyleigh?"

That was when Lily revealed that she and Kyleigh really weren't friends anymore. She blamed it on me – probably because she was just frustrated – but I was genuinely surprised. I hadn't known that so many things had gone wrong since I had left. It had been one bloody week! How does that change the whole world?!

The last thing she told me was, "Damn you" before she flounced off to her seat.

Sirius heard her say it, and the moment I was back in my seat next to him, he said, "Are you happy that you're back?"

"She's just not having a good day," I tried to defend her.

"If that's the case, she hasn't had a good day in over three weeks," Sirius pointed out.

"You're right," I said dejectedly. "Why does she always do this to me, Padfoot?"

"She's a bitch," Sirius explained. "Or didn't you know?"

I sighed. "I'm not over her."

"You need to be," he said. "She's going to keep you on this roller coaster of misery for the rest of your life if you don't draw the line somewhere."

"I suppose, but this is different from ordinary crushes, Pads," I told him.

"So you're saying you're the only guy in the world that has been rejected repeatedly by the girl you love?"

"No," I said. "I'm just saying that what I feel for her is different than an ordinary crush."

"I don't think so," he said. "Stop trying to be misunderstood, Prongs."

"I'm not," I insisted. "I'm just stating a fact."

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said, uninterested.

I was about to reply, but the bell rang to start class, and I had to pay attention if I didn't want a detention on my first day back. It was difficult, seeing as I was still reeling from seeing Lily again after an entire week, but I managed by playing tic-tack-toe with Sirius in the last fifteen minutes and talking to him constantly about how boring the lesson was. Remus threw us filthy looks continuously – he was annoyed because we were not learning anything, which was apparently a crime in O. W. L. year – but we ignored him, as did Peter, who was busy doing other homework he had forgotten to do earlier. Lily was talking in an undertone Leila, I noticed later; I wished I knew what she was saying. Was she talking about me? Her expression was dark; she probably was.

At long, long last, lunch time rolled around. I left Sirius, Peter, and Remus to go to the common room, eager to talk to Lily; I had waited ages for the moment, and I did not intend to waste the opportunity. When I bounded into the common room, I saw Lily waiting for me on the sofa, looking rather bothered. I knew it was only because of me, but I didn't care; I was just glad to see her.

"Hey!" I greeted her.

"Hi," she said back.

That wasn't good; I would have to keep the conversation progressing myself otherwise it would die out completely.

"Nice to meet you," I said, sitting down in front of her. "I've missed you – so much."

"Yeah, I'm sure you did," she said, disbelief evident on her face.

"But I want to know what's been going on while I was gone," I told her. "Can you fill me in?"

"I daresay your friends have already done that." When she said that, I was honestly tempted to know if she knew Legilimency, but I didn't say anything. Instead, I said, "They have, but I'd like to hear it from _you_."

Then we embarked on a very reluctant, evasive, honest, and strange conversation; it was one of the oddest talks I'd ever had with her, and I had plenty to choose from there. We talked about how she was no longer friends with Kyleigh, how she had a lot on her mind at the moment, whether or not she was a bitch because of her mood swings, and about how I felt about her. I was quite surprised; Lily's mind worked differently than I had expected. I had always thought that though she was a little dark, she was pretty bouncy and easy to communicate with. I was wrong – she was very unsure of herself. She wasn't sure what to think. She wanted to be alone when I could tell that she needed someone there. She wouldn't admit anything straight-out, but if I looked close enough, everything I needed was written in her eyes. I longed to do something for her – she was obviously going through some kind of mental breakdown – but she wouldn't let me get close enough to her, physically and emotionally. It was very trying for me, seeing her like that, but it was difficult to do or say anything that wouldn't offend her.

At last, I gave it up; I didn't want to trouble her any longer. "Do you want to go to lunch?" I asked her. "You can come with me and we can sit together."

"No," Lily said to me. "This is my study time, like I already told you."

"You're not eating lunch?!" I couldn't believe my ears; she had to eat! She looked like a bowtruckle or something – all sticks.

"No; I almost never do." She looked at me as though I was crazy, but I was looking incredulously back at her.

"That's so unhealthy!" I exploded. "No wonder you're looking so skinny! Come downstairs – you have to eat." I grabbed at her wrist, fully prepared to drag her down to the Great Hall.

"The last time I ate, I threw up. I'm not going through that humiliation again." The way she said it, it was as though she was avoiding something else, but I was too horrified at her eating habits to remark on it.

"That's because your systems aren't used to having food in them, which is really bad," I explained. "Come on; you can sit with me and I can ensure that you get something in your stomach that stays. What did you eat, out of curiosity?"

"No," she said. "But Leila force-fed me fries and chicken."

"That's why you threw up," I said, understanding. "That's not the right thing to give to a tender stomach."

"Really James," she said sleepily. "I'm tired. Can I go study?"

I could not believe her; she wanted to go and study! That girl…she had to get her priorities together. "No, you're coming to lunch," I informed her.

"No, I'm going to lunch, thank you very much," Lily said.

"Yes, you are." I took her wrist again, but then I yelped, "Merlin, Evans! Your wrist is so abnormally thin."

"It is?" She inspected the wrist that I wasn't clutching and said, "I don't think so." I worried for her vision.

"It is," I said. "Come _on_, Lil."

"No!" She took her wrist back. "Don't you dare try to drag me to the Great Hall. I'm staying up here and that's final. You got what you wanted from me, and now I'm done."

Aggravated, I sighed and said, "Fine. I'm going to lunch though, and if you knew what was good for you, you would come with me." I left her in the common room, but as soon as I was gone, I felt that hole in my chest widen. I wanted to cry out and bang my head against something; I had thought that the hole would close when I saw Lily again. I had been wrong; if anything, it got worse. Why couldn't things go right? Why wouldn't she love me the way I loved her?

I really don't know what else to do. In this instance, my friends are no help at all, and I feel…alone. It's peculiar, but I do; I may know lots of people, but that doesn't mean that they can help me with the agony of loving Lily Evans. This is something I'll have to do by myself, which absolutely sucks.

I'm getting the feeling that fate really, really hates me.

Damn it.

_A/N: Oh wow, that was a hard chapter to write. It took me ages to do, and I still don't know how I feel about it. But yeah – they're both confused about the other, and Lily is being anorexic. Haha, Leila will have a lot to say on that later, but for now, you, the reader, need to REVIEW! Lol that makes me really happy and it helps me a lot when I'm stuck on a chapter. :) And do remember that though I adore the sweet things you say about my story, I do like criticism, so that I know what to improve on in the next chapters. Feel free to tell me what I do wrong! Just don't be too mean about it, or I'll cry. :P_


	29. When Nothing Makes Sense

_A/N: I'm actually fairly pleased with this chapter. Hmm, that's new. But anyhow, if you remember, Chris had arranged a date for the twenty fourth when he came back to school in Chapter 22. I tried to remind you about that a couple of chapters back, but here's the chapter in question – we need to know if Chris is a rat or not. :)_

_Side note: The perfect song for this chapter is Heroes and Thieves, a new, probably leaked song by Vanessa Carlton, as well as an unreleased Evanescence song, October. You have to look for both on YouTube since they're not available anywhere else, but they're both good songs and really helped me write this part out._

**Lily**

January 24th

Dear Diary,

Today, I realized something; I realized that I need to change myself.

I know what I've been – overemotional, scared of everything – and I know now that I can't do that anymore. It's time for me to move on. I can't let every little thing that happens to me get under my skin. I can't cry all the time and rage at the people around me when I'm having a bad day. I have to be strong, and I will be. It's as simple as that.

What caused me to see the light? Well, today was the day when I had to go out with Chris to Hogsmeade; he had asked me when I wasn't ready to refuse, so I was forced, in a way, to attend the date that changed my life. He picked me up at the portrait hole with a grin on his face.

"Hey Lily," he said. "Ready?"

"Yeah," I said indifferently. He put his arm around my waist and led me out of the castle; I didn't particularly like him doing that, but I supposed that I could somehow get through the date and never accept his offers ever again. I obviously didn't voice these thoughts though; I remained quiet, like a red-headed doll, at his side until we got to The Three Broomsticks. There, we sat on the side, and instead of sitting across from me, he sat beside me.

"So…it's been a while since we've chatted," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I've been busy lately."

"So have I," said Chris. "And I do owe you an apology – I should have kept in touch over Christmas break."

"It's all right," I said.

"But I did promise you an explanation," he said. "I should give it to you."

"That would be good," I told him.

He scooted closer to me and began to play with a lock of my hair. "Here's the thing; I couldn't talk to you for a while because that Firehouse incident was rather embarrassing. Everyone knew that we were going out – everyone except bloody Potter, of course – and I couldn't let everyone see me with you; the things they were all saying about you…you wouldn't have liked it at all. So I decided to wait until everything blew over before I talked to you again. It did take a while – longer than I had expected. But nonetheless, I had to disassociate before I could talk to you again."

I frowned. "I wondered why. But if you really liked me, wouldn't you have stayed with me and tried to help me through it?"

He laughed, but it wasn't a normal laugh – it was a rather cruel laugh, the one the villains always gave before dropping their bombshells. "You really thought I liked you?"

"Didn't you? You hung out with me willingly," I said.

"I did," he said. "It was because, like I told you, I wanted people to see me with the one girl I hadn't gone out with yet."

"So everything you ever told me…it was a lie?" It couldn't be true; the things he had said had touched me, had made me feel better, and had helped in their own ways. They were all lies?

"Of course," he said. "I knew what you wanted to hear, and I said those things. I'm a good actor, aren't I?"

"You're twisted," I said. "You're sick."

He shrugged. "Well, I have to find _some_ way to get to the girls. I like hanging out with them. They're fascinating creatures, but some of them are like you – woefully predictable and unconfident."

"If you hate me, why did you spend so much time flirting and hanging around with me," I inquired, frowning slightly.

"You're sexy stuff, Lil," he said, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Very, very sexy stuff. And the fact that you're so vulnerable adds an extremely intriguing factor to you."

"I'm not vulnerable," I informed him, stung.

"Oh, you are." He told me this as though this was a fact rather than a statement of opinion. "A little bit of attention and you fall apart. A couple of dates and you open right up. A kiss here and there and you think I'm your boyfriend. Face it, Lily – you're quite vulnerable. It's delicious."

"Pardon me?" Delicious?! Who did this guy think he was?!

"I meant that I like it." Chris grinned and put his face into my neck. He breathed in the scent that was there, but I moved over a little more, quite nervous. What had I gotten myself into?

"I knew that; I just didn't like your choice of wording," I said. "Now get your bloody face out of my neck!"

"I'm sorry." He wasn't at all, and I knew it; he simply kissed my cheek and hovered near me. I made a revolted face and moved over as far as the bench would let me go.

"All right, can you just speak frankly now?" I requested. "I don't know what the hell you want, or what you're trying to accomplish by coming so close to me, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't play games and just told me what you have to tell me."

His evil grin – the one that I'd only seen once before – appeared on his face once more. "Fair enough. Let's go somewhere more private, shall we?" He took my hand and, in essentials, he dragged me to a place I had never been to at the edge of Hogsmeade; it was a small, fairly dirty room – Chris took me inside as though he owned the place and locked the door.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"A place I like to go with the girls I go out with," he said. "Now sit and listen."

I obeyed; I sat on the floor, cross-legged, and waited for him to speak. He gathered himself up and then began to explain. "After I go out with a girl once, I think about how it went and my impression of her. If I decide that I like her, I'll take her out again and shag her."

My eyes widened with shock. "So you're trying to say that you've had sex with every other girl in our year?!"

"No," he said. "Just a few of them. I don't like all of them."

"You're sick," I said, backing up. "Truly and utterly."

"Maybe." He came closer to me. "But I happen to like you, Lily; I like weaker girls because they cooperate more easily. Your friend…what was her name? Kyleigh? She's far too headstrong; she only likes that moron Black. But you – it's not as painful or difficult for me to sway you. Not only that, but you're not a bad person – a bit on the bitchy side, but I can handle that."

What I was saying was horrifying me; what the hell _was_ he?! Everyone had warned me that he wasn't a good person. Even Sirius had told me once, but I had refused to listen. I had been too naïve to face the fact that Chris actually didn't like just my personality, and now I was paying for it. His eyes had moved to my chest, and when he looked into my eyes, I was truly afraid of him.

"Come out, come out, little Lily," he said mockingly. "Come out and play."

"No!" I got up off the floor and tried to open the door, but I couldn't; Chris took me away from it. He lay me down on the floor, and his hands went straight up my shirt. It was a sensation that had never taken place before, and I hated it. I shrieked and managed to kick him in the stomach. He doubled over with pain and I made for the door again; Chris was too fast though – he got right back up and took me away for the second time. I began to scream as loud as my lungs would let me, but he silenced me with a kiss. I continued to make noise as I attempted to throw him off, but I was on the floor again in some hideous tangle. In desperation, I bit his lip as hard as I could, and that did the trick; he let go of me to attend to his lip and once again, I went for the door. My extreme anxiety made my fingers fumble, but somehow, the door opened; I was free and I ran, terrified.

I ran as fast as I could back to the castle, thanking my stars he had not raped me or seduced me the way he had wanted to. I burst through the front doors and nearly flew to the common room, breathing heavily and close to hysteria and tears. As I tried to run, I felt a hand close on my wrist. Since I was so panic-stricken, I tried to fight it off, thinking it was Chris.

"Leave me alone! I'll report you!" I shouted.

"What? Lil, it's just me, James," a highly confused voice told me.

I looked at him and my vision cleared to show that it was indeed James Potter whose hand was on my wrist. I calmed down a little at that, but not all the way. I was frantic – I needed help – so I decided to trust James.

"You need to save me," I cried, feeling myself literally shake as I told him this. "He's-he's after me."

"Who's after you?" He was so calm – how could he be calm when Chris Daniels had attacked me moments before?

"C-Chris," I said, coughing violently. "He's horrible, James, save me."

He pulled me into a tight hug as I tried to remember how to breathe properly. He was comforting – I felt protected in his arms – but it wasn't enough to soothe me. As I began to get back to normal, James made shushing noises as if I was three years old and frightened of a nightmare while patting my hair. Finally, I felt myself get back to normal, and I put my head on his shoulder. It was solid and secure – free of anything that could hurt me.

When he heard my breathing regulate, James asked me gently, "What did Chris do? Can you tell me?"

"There was a room," I told him. "In Hogsmeade. He took me there. His hand was in my shirt. I tried to run away, but he wouldn't let me. He kissed me, but I bit him to get him off of me. I was on the ground. He was into my neck. James, it was terrifying." I closed my eyes, trying not to remember the experience.

James hugged me even more tightly then. "He's dead," he said into my hair. "I promise you – I'll deal with him."

I hated James more than anything, but at that moment, I felt like I could trust him. That felt good to know, because I could use a bit of confidence somewhere. The person that was supposed to be my savior – my hero – turned out to be rotten, and the person that I was supposed to hate – my enemy – turned out to be the one who comforted me when things had gone repugnantly wrong. Nothing made sense, but at least I had somewhere to rest.

While I was in his arms and he was shushing me, the portrait hole opened. I looked up and saw that it was Chris, and he looked quite livid. He caught sight of James and me together, and I saw his face tighten.

"So you want to take my girl?" Chris asked angrily.

"_Your _girl?" James inquired incredulously. "Well, if she was _your_ girl, she would not be scared to death."

"Damn you," Chris spat. "Damn you, Potter. Go to hell."

"If I do, I'll be sure to pay you a visit," James told him scathingly. "Now you leave Lily Evans alone, you hear me?"

"Fine," he said. "I can do that." And then he went up to his dormitory – I was safe. I sighed with relief and carefully wriggled out of James's hold; I looked into his face and tried to formulate what to say.

"Thank you," I said at last. "Thank you so, so much."

"I don't really want to rub this in your face, but what I said to you yesterday came true – you do need someone to help you sometimes," he said. "I tried my best to be that someone today, and if you'll trust me, I'll do it for the rest of my days."

I swallowed thickly. "Listen, I do appreciate your help – very much so – but I'm not going to be involved with anyone romantically anymore."

"It probably hurts, having two failed relationships in the space of weeks, but you can't let that get you down," he told me. "You can fight it out, Lil – I know you can. And I can help you. You don't even have to think of me as a boyfriend; just as a close friend who happens to be a guy."

His offer, like it had been the other day, was tempting. Really tempting. For a moment, I was about to agree. But then I didn't; "I don't know, James."

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Get to know."

After a moment, I burst out with the truth. "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I was acting so badly before. I'm sorry that I blew you off constantly. I'm sorry that I drove you out of the castle. I'm sorry that I try to rebuff any efforts you make for me. I'm sorry – I'm so, so sorry."

"It's all right," James said. "It's perfectly all right."

"It isn't," I said with a sigh. "My moods and my private life are no excuses for my bitchy behavior. I'm just really sorry, James."

"I told you – it's all right," he assured me.

I looked up at him again, feeling awful on more than one count, but he just smiled. "Do you want to go to your dormitory now and find Leila?"

I nodded. "I think I'd like that."

"Here, how about this – I'll let you go and I won't tell anyone about any of this without your permission…if you eat again," he proposed.

I looked at him in mystification. "You want me to eat?"

James nodded. "You're stick-thin. You _need _you to eat."

I owed him something after what he'd done for me, so I nodded as well. "Fine. I'll eat. How much?"

"Try three square meals a day," he said. "Or, if you don't feel like it, we can make a few of them rectangular meals."

I giggled unwillingly. "All right. I'll eat."

"Thank you." He smiled brilliantly at me, and I found myself actually laughing – laughing at something James had done. Apparently, that thought floated into James's head too, because he said, "Lily! You're laughing at me! You've never done that before!"

I smiled at him, surprised by the tenderness in it. "Yes, I was." But I immediately blushed; I couldn't say something like that. I didn't love him.

He was awkward too, after I had said that. "Erm, yeah." A healthy pink was in his cheeks, and I was sure it was in mine as well.

"I-I have to go," I stuttered. "Thanks again." This time, I didn't let him answer; I just ran to my dormitory. I opened the door and went in to find Leila lounging on her bed, doing her homework.

"Oh, hey Lils," she said. "You've been gone a while – where were you?"

"With Chris," I said. "I hate him, Leils. I hate him more than anything – more than Sirius, James, and Peter combined."

Leila's eyebrows shot up. "What did he do?"

I told her the events of the afternoon – including James's comforting – and she nearly fell off her bed with all the emotion. Honestly, I wanted to fall off and stay there – it was easier to spend your days and nights in your room than spend it with someone who could break your heart.

"Oh…my…word," Leila said in disbelief. "Chris! I never knew that he was that much of a rat."

"Neither did I," I said with a sigh. "I can't believe I thought I had a chance with him. I should have listened to everyone who tried to warn me."

"You couldn't have known that he would do that to you," she said. "Don't worry about it. But James! Lils, I think you like him." She grinned at the thought.

"I don't," I said crossly. "I'm just grateful. That's not the same as liking him."

"I still think you do," she said with a laugh. "Wow, Lil; I never thought I'd see the day. You love James Potter!"

"I don't love him," I insisted. "He did something nice for me, so I tried to be nice as well; that's just being polite, Leils."

"Somehow, I don't believe that," Leila said in a sing-song voice. "Lily loves James! Yay!"

"Shut up! I do not!"

"Yes, you do," she told me. "You love him. You love him more than you ever loved Remus or Chris; it's always been that way – you just never realized it."

I rolled my eyes. "Haha, Leila. I'm going back downstairs; I don't need to hear this."

"Bye," Leila said, waving as she beamed at me. I waved half-heartedly back, and now here I am – I'm in the common room, writing these lines. When Chris and I had been in that room, I had been out of control with fear; now I was just infuriated. Not at James, but at Chris – he had added his own contribution to my misery, and I did _not _appreciate it.

I'm completely over Chris. I know that with Remus, there were and still are feelings left over, but it's not like that with Chris. Chris was a rat – Remus had valid reasons not to be with me, even if I didn't like them. I'm over both of them. Like I told James, I'm starting over. I'm done being afraid. I'm done with being a bitch. I'm done with everything I was before – a weepy drama queen. I've started over. I'm going to be the girl I know I am, but have never tried to be. I'm up again – nothing's going to stop me.

From now on, I'm not going to be Lily Evans, the cowardly little workaholic; I'm going to be Lily Evans, the girl who's recovered from life's little tragedies (which, admittedly, I've had a lot of lately) and who is ready to take over the world if she has to.

**James**

January 24th

Dear Diary,

It's been a very strange day.

The mayhem started in the afternoon, really. I was in the common room, talking to my friends, when Regina stormed in. I hadn't seen her at all the previous day, when I came back to Hogwarts, so I was rather unpleasantly surprised to see her then. She marched right up to me and slapped me across the face.

"Watch it!" Sirius snapped at her irritably. "Don't you hit my best friend!"

"What the hell, Regina?" Peter asked, aggravated as well.

Remus said nothing. Of course he didn't; he hated confrontation. He just watched Regina seethe at me.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were back?" she shouted. "I am your _girlfriend_! I am supposed to know these things!"

"A lot of stuff was going on yesterday, Gina," I said, rubbing my cheek in the place where she had smacked me. "I'm sorry."

"Bullshit!" she screeched. "You talked to _Lily Evans_, but you won't talk to _me_."

"Lily owed me a few explanations," I told her. "It was a matter of urgency to talk to her. You're not even my girlfriend; I don't know who you're kidding here."

"I am!" Her voice was shrill, nasally, and quite loud by this point. "You had better remember that, James Potter!" Then she turned on her heel and stormed off, leaving me and my friends staring after her in disbelief.

"You really need to get rid of her," Sirius said.

"James, why on earth do you spend time with her?" Remus asked. "She doesn't respect you at all."

"I don't spend time with her on purpose," I said, annoyed. "She comes and finds me. And, as you can see, she's not someone who is easily reasoned with."

"I know, but you always get whatever you want – why can't you get rid of her?" Peter inquired.

"I'll get her off my back soon – don't you worry," I vowed. "I am as tired of her as you are – more so, since I'm always forced to hang around with her – and I will find a way to get this resolved.

"That's it, Prongs," Sirius said enthusiastically. "Now…what say you to some monkey business?"

"I'd say no," Remus intervened. "We have homework _and_ O. W. L.'s to prepare for and work on respectively."

"I asked Prongs," Sirius said. "I know that _you_ always have work to do."

"I could use a good bout of trouble," Peter said. "I think that we should do it."

"Nah, I think I'll hang out here," I said. "Go prank Snivelly for me, would you?"

"Well, if you insist," Sirius said, laughing. "C'mon, Pete." The two of them ran out of the portrait hole, talking about what to do to Snivelly. I watched them go lazily, and turned to Remus.

"So…what do you want to do here?" I asked him.

"What I said I would do – work," Remus said. "Would you like to join me?"

"As much fun as that sounds, I'll have to say no," I declined. "I'm allergic to extra work."

"You're allergic to _any_ work," Remus pointed out.

"Very true," I said.

"I'll go up to the dormitory then," Remus told me. "I'll see you later."

"Sure," I said idly. I watched him leave as well, and then put my feet up on the table. I was nodding off to sleep, actually, when Lily Evans burst into the common room. I got up at once to see her run in, about ready to burst into tears; scared for her, I got up and grabbed her wrist to hold her back. What was wrong?! However, that was the wrong thing to do, because she screamed, "Leave me alone! I'll report you!"

"Lily, it's just me, James," I told her, trying to calm her down.

She looked up at me and cried, "You need to save me; he's after me!"

I was almost positive that she had lost her mind, but I didn't say it; I was worried about her. I kept myself peaceful and asked her, "Who's after you?"

"Chris," she said. "He's horrible, James, save me."

I knew that Chris was horrible – I knew it firsthand – and the most terrible ideas flooded into my head. I hugged her closely, trying to make her feel better, and patted her hair. I made shushing noises too; I wasn't too experienced in calming people down, but I had seen it happen on Muggle television. She was so soft; I had known that before, but I couldn't believe it – the rag doll-like creature in my arms was a sarcastic and defiant teenager at all other times.

I asked her what Chris had done, and the story came out – he had, in essentials, trapped her in a room in Hogsmeade to try to seduce her. He had terrified the living hell out of her, and when I saw how distressed she was, I hugged her more and told her that I would deal with Chris later; I meant it too – he wasn't getting away with anything.

Then, as if to test my promise, Chris himself walked into the portrait hole. He caught me holding Lily in my arms, and he asked, "So you want to take my girl?"

"_Your_ girl?" I couldn't believe the nerve of him. "Well, if she was _your _girl, she would not be scared to death."

"Damn you," he snapped at me. "Damn you, Potter. Go to hell."

"If I do, I'll be sure to pay you a visit," I replied. "Now you leave Lily Evans alone – do you hear me?" I had to ensure that the bastard knew his place before I really dealt with him.

"Fine; I can do that." He walked up to his dormitory then, and Lily got out of her position in my arms; I was sorry about that – I had liked holding her.

"Thank you," she said after a long moment. "Thank you so, so much."

"I don't really want to rub this in your face, but what I said to you yesterday came true – you do need someone to help you sometimes. I tried my best to be that someone today, and if you'll trust me, I'll do it for the rest of my days," I told her earnestly, willing with all my might that she would believe me.

Then she started off on one of her strange conversations – the ones that made me question how much I really knew about her. She told me that she didn't want another romantic relationship. She began to apologize about everything that had ever upset me during the year – I was at a loss to know how she knew exactly what to say sorry for – and went into a little frenzy about it. Of course I forgave her – she had been long forgiven – and then she told me that she wanted to go to her dormitory to find Leila. I was about to let her, but then I was hit with a brain wave.

"Here, how about this – I'll let you go and I won't tell anyone about any of this without permission…if you eat again," I told her.

"You want me to eat?" This surprised her; I wasn't sure why.

"You're stick-thin; I _need _you to eat," I said.

Lily sighed and nodded. "Fine. I'll eat. How much?"

What was wrong with her? How did she not know how much to eat? I kept my thoughts to myself; I just said, "Try three square meals a day. Or, if you don't like that, we can make a few of them rectangular meals."

She chuckled, making me light up on the inside. "All right. I'll eat."

"Thank you." Then I realized the miracle of the situation; I exclaimed, "Lily! You're laughing at me! You've never done that before!" I was beyond excited; she was laughing! That was the first step to falling in love with me – excellent.

"Yes, I was," she said with the sweetest smile I had ever received from her. But then she blushed; in turn, I blushed – both because she did and because what she had said/the way she had said it was a little awkward to reply to.

"Erm, yeah." I couldn't think of anything else to say – what was there to say?

"I-I have to go." With this, she fled; I had scared her off again. But hey – I had delved deeper into her resolve than I had ever gone; I was grateful for the insight. I walked up to my dormitory in wonderment, thinking about her again. When I stepped into the room, Chris was inside, and he was looking quite pissed.

"You," I said, rounding on him. "What the hell did you do to Lily?"

"Doin' what I always do," he said. "It's really none of your business though."

"It is damn well my business!" I roared. "You traumatized her!"

"She's going to have a first time at some point, and I wanted to do it," he countered.

"She's supposed to bloody agree before you try it!" I shouted. "She didn't!"

Chris pulled out his wand and shot a spell at me. I was taken by surprise, but because of my Quidditch reflexes, I dodged it, took out my own wand, and shot my own hex. I missed, but before I knew it, we were both shooting jinxes and hexes constantly – we were dueling viciously, and I was winning.

Eventually, I managed to hit Chris with a few different spells – he looked a mess when I was finished with him, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

"Bastard," he said to me, the loathing unmistakable in his voice.

"May you rot in hell for trying to mess with Lily Evans," was my only retort before I walked out of the room, pocketing my wand. I went back down to the common room, only to find Remus there, finishing up the last of his work.

"When did you get here?" I asked. "Weren't you in the dormitory? I was just there, and you weren't."

"I went to the library," he said. "I came here not even a minute ago."

"Oh," I said, sitting down on the sofa.

"Is there anything worrying you?" Remus inquired. "You look kind of bothered."

"I am," I said. "I was just dueling with Chris Daniels up in our dormitory. I wouldn't recommend you go in there right now, by the way; he's a wee bit messy."

"James," Remus groaned. "Why did you do that?"

"I swore to Lily that I wouldn't tell anyone," I said. "I'm sorry, Moony."

"It's all right," Remus said. "I'm glad that you honored your vow. But really – I need to get going."

"Bye, Remus," I said, waving to him with a grin on my face as he left the common room with his bag.

He put his hand up to say good-bye to me, and left through the portrait hole. Glad that he had decided not to socialize much – good old Remus could be counted on for doing that – I pulled this book out and I wrote everything down. The only reason was because I needed to document the reason for murdering Chris – I had to use this diary for something useful, didn't I? Ugh. I hate it so much. Almost as much as I hate Chris, which is quite a lot by now.

For now, I'm just frustrated and anxious; I can't write anymore, if it wasn't already obvious. I need to come up with an excuse for Chris upstairs with purple boils across his body, actually – I'd better do that if I don't want McGonagall on my tail.

_A/N: Yeah, so I got kind of lazy with James's entry – he said it himself, he couldn't write at the moment. :P But I hope you liked the chapter – do tell me what you thought! Haha, Chris is evil and Lily is falling for James. In the next five chapters, she's going to be falling deeper and deeper in love – it's going to be rather interesting for me to write – so…ha, watch out! xD I'm going to cut James his break very soon. Review please!_


	30. Moving On

_A/N: Okay, so we had a bit of a brush with Chris in that last chapter. :P Now Lily is back to normal, as I'm sure you're glad to see. She's back to her sarcastic self, which will hopefully be evident in this chapter, and James is back to trying to woo her, since he feels he's close to her breaking point. His entry is much shorter, since he hates writing at the moment, but enjoy!_

**Lily**

January 27th

Dear Diary,

These past three days have been a bit weird for me.

First of all, I could feel myself slipping back into my old routines. That's a really good thing, of course, but it just feels odd to know how much I've missed in the past few weeks. I mean, Leila and I talk about the usual dumb stuff, and it's just nice to know that simplicity can still be achieved. It never has to be anything fancy – all it takes to make me happy is a glass of lemonade and a light chat with Leila. She doesn't mention James much, for which I'm grateful; I can't seem to bring myself to talk about him after what happened after Chris.

Second of all, I've been eating again. That's not a good thing – I hate eating. But I have to; James sits next to me and forces things into my mouth and down my throat. My stomach seems to like him – I don't throw up when it's him that makes me eat – but I'm still not happy about it. I've noticed a bit of weight gain lately, and eating is the last thing I can do. I'm too busy to exercise, so I needed some other means of avoiding food.

That's where things get a little unusual. See, I couldn't _not_ eat – it was out of the question after my promise to James, which I didn't want to break after what he'd done for me – but no one said anything was bad about throwing up right afterward. I gave it a great deal of thought, and I figured out what to do – I would make myself throw up.

Yes, that's bulimic. Yes, that's bad. But I've only done it one time! It's not a problem if I do it once! It was the most horrible feeling in the universe, so I don't plan on doing it again, but I do need to admit that I did do it that once. It was actually very easy to get away from James and Leila; I excused myself from the table, went upstairs to my bathroom, and began to take my place in front of my toilet. I wasn't quite sure how to make myself vomit, but I knew enough from Muggle bulimia protection pamphlets how it was supposed to work. Closing my eyes and hoping for the best, I put my fingers to the back of my throat. Instantly, I felt itchy. I did it more, and I felt worse. Then I felt it – my stomach churning. I poked just a little deeper, and that inevitable air of throwing up came to me. I had done it right. In another minute, I was puking my guts out, and the deed was done.

I felt awful afterwards – really weak and empty. But the emptiness was the intended result; I was trying to empty my stomach, and I had done it right. Relieved that nothing worse had taken place, I left, and I hoped I would never have to do that again.

Leila and James don't know anything about my exploit, and I'd rather it stayed that way.

Anyhow, back to the present – day three of my strangest three days ever; today was another Quidditch match – I don't know how on earth I forgot about it, what with the enthusiasm spilling out of Gryffindor Tower, but I was only aware of it this morning by Leila asking me if I would go. We both decided to, just because it would be nice to know what everyone would be talking about for the next few days, and believe me; I regretted the choice.

So Leila and I bundled up in our coats and scarves to brave the January chill, and we found seats up high on the bleachers. Leila had brought her binoculars with her ("I need to see James!") and took them out the moment we sat down, staring around the field like the obsessed lunatic that she had lately become.

"Leils, you do know that the game hasn't started yet, don't you?" I asked.

"Mhmm," she said with a nod. "I just want to see if I can catch James!"

I banged my hand against my forehead. "What do you _see_ in that boy?"

"He's so wonderful and sweet," Leila said with a dreamy sigh. "Besides, he's so nice to you! Remember what happened three days ago? Remember what he gave you for Christmas?"

I scowled, but looked down at the bracelet still on my wrist. It was somehow still unscratched after the episode with Chris – James had probably put an enchantment or something on it – and it always reminded me of what he had done for me whenever I wanted to rant about him. James Potter was truly a vexing creature that way.

"I do remember, Leila," I said, scowling. "I remember both events vividly. It's just that…oh, I don't know…"

"You like him?" Leila offered at once.

"No," I said a little too loudly.

"You like him," Leila said, nodding again with that assurance that always drove me mad.

"So what if I do? What will you do then?" I asked angrily.

The look she gave me then made me highly regret the two sentences that had just come out of my mouth.

"Oh my goodness; you like him!" she cried out happily. "Lils, I'm so proud of you!"

I didn't want anyone to hear her – they would get completely the wrong idea – so in desperation, I took out my wand (it's always useful to have those around when James Potter is nearby) and put a Silencing Charm on her. Thankfully, nobody was paying us any attention, but I kept the spell on her just in case. She flailed her arms, trying to get me to give her voice back, but I refused; it wasn't like she was using her voice to say anything good.

Once the Gryffindor team stepped out on to the pitch (late, as always – stupid jocks), I took pity on Leila and lifted the charm. She threw me a look of disdain – she had not appreciated being silenced that way – but began to scream and holler her approval for the world to hear. I laughed, but I did say a very quiet whoop I knew no one would hear.

The game began – vicious and quick as always – and James scored an immediate goal within the first minute and a half while the opposing defenses were a little disoriented. Leila nearly lost what was left of her mind with joy at that, but me? I stayed put and took out my book; I would read that until it was time to go – coming to Quidditch was usually a bad idea, and I had to be prepared for the worst. That was always a source of annoyance for Leila, but today, she thankfully paid attention to the game rather than me.

If only I could say the same for James. I can't, of course; though he was busy being Best Chaser in the Universe, he still found time to wave to me, and flutter his eyelashes at me. I wouldn't have taken any notice of these actions, but Leila took my chin in her hand and made me lift my head up to look at him every time. Once, she even took my hand and made me wave back to him. I took my hand away at once, giving her the most evil expression I was capable of making, and refused to let her touch me for the remainder of the game.

After the torture was all over – we won – Leila and I walked back to the castle. Leila eagerly babbled about the match, and being the victim to her banter, I was supposed to listen, nod occasionally, and say "Mhmm" whenever she stopped to take a breath. However, she was cut short of her monologue when James approached us, still muddy and in full Quidditch paraphernalia.

"Lily! Come give me a hug," he said, grinning widely as he held his arms out to me.

"Not when you're so filthy," I said. "Maybe when you're clean."

"I'll hold you to that promise," he vowed. Then he left, leaving me groaning away with Leila.

"He's so horrible sometimes," I complained. "Why me?"

"He loves you," Leila reminded me. "He's supposed to be horrible sometimes. Nobody's perfect. You just have to remember what good things he's done for you."

"Like?" I prompted.

"That night after the Chris thing," she said. "Not holding you responsible for the Firehouse thing. For forcing you to eat before you killed yourself. For always taking your side on any situation that's gone wrong for you. Face it, Lils – you owe him big time."

"But there's nothing I can give him," I said. "All he wants is for me to go out with him and let him kiss me every few minutes."

"You know, it's not a very high-tech solution, but you could try giving him that," Leila suggested.

"You know I can't," I said, frustrated. "I don't want to, and he'd probably get kind of sick of me."

"Unlikely," Leila said at once. "Lil, the guy will do just about anything to prove that he's in love with you – for most people, that's good enough. What do you want from him?"

"I want…" But I stopped myself; what _did_ I want? Somehow, I couldn't get 'to leave me alone' out of my mouth; all that could come out was a few sputters. I didn't know why – normally I said it to his face with ease – but to Leila, like this, I just couldn't. It felt like I'd be lying. How peculiar.

"Yes?" she prompted.

"I want the truth about everything," I said suddenly. "I want to know what he truly thinks of me and what I truly think of him. That's what I want."

"Here, I'll tell you then," Leila said. "You love him. He loves you. You're made for each other, and you are perfect together. End of story."

I threw her a look, but was interrupted by Snape, who turned up in front of me without my noticing.

"Hey Lil," he said.

"Hi Severus," I said awkwardly.

"Do you two want a moment alone?" Leila asked teasingly, holding back her giggles with observable difficulty.

"Obviously, Patterson," Snape snapped.

"Ooh, Snivelly's a bit cranky today," she retorted. "Lil, you'd better be careful. See you later." She walked off, leaving me alone with Snape; ugh.

"So how are you doing?" he asked as we began to make our way to the castle. "What did you think of the match?"

"I'm fine," I said, pleased that for the first time in ages, the statement was true. "I thought that the match was boring. I read a book."

"Why didn't you watch?" he inquired. "Quidditch is pretty interesting. Too bad Gryffindor won though."

"I'm glad we won, but I just don't like the viciousness of the game," I explained. "I mean, if it was a little more civilized I wouldn't mind it as much, but right now, it's not, so I don't enjoy it."

"I think its fine the way it is," Severus said.

"That's great," I said back.

After an agonizingly painful silence, Snape said, "Erm, well, I'll go then."

"Bye," I said, watching him disappear into the crowd of students still chattering about the match. I sighed and picked up my pace a little bit, until James bounded up next to me all of a sudden.

"Don't _do_ that!" I protested. "You could give me a heart attack someday, Potter!"

"I'm sorry," he said, smiling in a way that differed from what he had told me.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine."

He put his arms out again. "Hug me!"

"You came back mightily fast," I noted. "How can I be sure you're not still caked with grime?"

"Trust me," he said. "Just trust me." He kept his arms insistently open, so I sighed and raised mine half-heartedly so that he could come forward and hug me. He hugged me for a few minutes – longer than necessary – and then he beamed down at me.

"That wasn't too bad, was it?" he asked.

"No," I confessed. "But that doesn't mean you can do it again."

"Can I kiss you then?" he requested. "I'd like that. I'd like that quite a lot."

That was when I first had what I call 'ABC'; it stands for Abnormally Brilliant Craving. It's this thing that's started to develop with me; I get these impulses to do crazy things. Horrible things. Things that I should never do, no matter what the circumstance is. In that case, I got the violent urge to grab James by the collar and snog him. I wanted to snog him so hard that he fell on the ground, and we could lay there and kiss. I actually felt my hand move up a little bit to get to his shirt, but I didn't; I simply rolled my eyes for the second time and said, "Never."

"Please?" James implored. "You know you want me to."

Was he a bloody mind-reader? "I don't," I said crossly.

"Then…can _you_ kiss _me_?" he asked, grinning because he knew it was a lost cause. However, I was feeling uncharacteristically flirty; I decided to surprise him. I leaned forward and placed a tiny kiss on his cheek. Then I chose to put another one on his other cheek. After I did that, I just looked at him; I wanted his reaction.

"Thanks," he said, giving me his goofiest smile. "I didn't expect that."

So that was it? He didn't care? All of the sacrificing I had done to give him those kisses was for nothing? I couldn't believe him. See, _this_ was why I didn't like to fall for guys; they always disappointed you. I sighed irately and said, "Yeah, well, you're welcome."

"Did I do something wrong?"

'Yes – you're still alive,' I thought scathingly. I didn't say that though; I just said, "Sort of. Bye." I turned on my heel and left, even though he called out to me several times. I didn't turn back. I didn't talk to anyone either; I just stomped up to my dormitory and sat on my bed. Leila was already there, doing some homework, and was surprised to see me so aggravated.

"So what happened?" she asked.

"I kissed James Bloody Potter on both cheeks," I grumbled. "I hugged him too."

"Good job, Lily!" she squealed, utterly delighted. "I'm so happy for you! I told you that you loved him."

"I don't," I informed her with a pout. "I only did it to humor him."

Leila didn't argue – she knew how unadvisable that was – and simply turned away with a small, knowing smile on her face; it so very clearly said 'I don't agree, but to make you happy I won't say anything about it.' I fell back on my pillows and blew my hair out of my face, hating what I knew Leila was thinking about. Then I rolled over on my stomach and pulled my books out from under my bed so that I could study – that was my usual way to forget about James. I took out a quill and went to work, noting passages to review again or ask questions on later. Leila was writing out answers to some questions McGonagall had set for us to do, and we worked in silence, only speaking to ask a homework related question.

I'm still lying on my bed, you know; I finished my work and I'm writing in here. Leila thinks I'm writing an essay, but she doesn't know that I already finished the essay in question. I haven't told her about you, diary, because I know that if she found out, she'd try to take it and read it. I can't let her – not when I've written what I have – and I have to take your safety very seriously if I don't want my personal thoughts to become common knowledge.

Anyway, I have to get going; Leila's starting to look curious as to why I'm writing in a book – I always use slips of parchment because I can't stand dirtying my textbooks – and I need to come up with a valid excuse.

Secrets absolutely suck.

**James**

January 27th,

Dear Diary,

I don't want to write. I want to go outside and play Quidditch. However, Sirius threatened to tell Remus I wasn't writing if I don't do it now (and he was supposed to be my best friend…) so I guess I'll write a little bit about what's been going on recently.

Besides this damn book, things are going well – really well, actually. Here's a list of what's going right (for once):

1) Lily's eating again. She's keeping everything down, too, which is even better. She hasn't been complaining about it as much recently, and I think that she'll be fine. Her weight is perhaps a little less than it should be, but that'll take time to gain back. I'm delighted to report, also, that I think Lily is starting to like me. She's still harsh, of course, but she's gotten a little soft around the edges. I'm starting to get to her; I can see it in the way she looks at me. I can't rush things though – that only scares her away. No; to make Lily like me, I have to go slow. I have to stay in one place and wait for _her_ to come to _me_. That's why there's not much news on that matter.

2) We had a Quidditch match today, and we won – obviously. I had a blast; I got to annoy the living hell out of Lily by giving her flirty looks throughout the game, which made her look so adorably aggravated, and once when she wasn't looking or listening to me, I shouted, "I love you, Evans!" A bunch of people said, "Aww," but I didn't really care; all that mattered to me was Lily, who wasn't paying me any attention. Undaunted, I continued to play and flirt – the two things I most enjoy doing.

3) I got Lily to hug me! I trapped her as she walked out of the stadium and convinced her to hug me once I was cleaned up and showered. Then, I even got her to kiss me on both my cheeks, which was an unexpected bonus! She loves me – she really does. I could tell. However, I did make her mad, but I'm not sure why; she kissed me, I said thank you, I wasn't expecting that, she gets all miffed, says you're welcome, and leaves. I was just in shock! I hadn't meant to make her upset! She's so infuriating sometimes, but I love her anyway.

4) We had another midnight adventure the other night. It was incredibly entertaining; we transformed in the Shrieking Shack, as usual, and went down to Hogsmeade, something we didn't regularly do. Remus and Sirius love to fight with each other when they're animals – Sirius' enormous dog form gives him a bit of an edge, and he wants to take Remus down one day while Remus was a werewolf – so they stayed outside, battling it out, while Peter and I went into the darkened Honeydukes shop. While Peter purged through the store in rat form, looking for anything extra that he could steal and consequently eat in the cellar, I walked around as a stag, trying to think about what havoc we could inflict in the castle. However, when I stepped on something heavy and made of metal, I stopped. Peter went back into human form, as did I, and we examined the floor.

"What happened, Prongs?" he asked.

"I stepped on something metal over here," I said. "I want to know what it is."

"Oh, you mean that?" Peter nudged a latch with his toe.

"Yeah." Breathlessly, I bent down and pulled on the latch. Dust and dirt flew everywhere as a trapdoor opened up, revealing a path of stairs. Peter let out a whoop and we both did a victory dance; we had found a secret passage!!

I turned back into a stag and galloped outside to find Sirius, and tried to communicate to him that I needed him to be human for a few minutes. He got the message and transformed back. "What's got you, Prongs?"

"A secret passage, that's what!" I shouted. "Come on!" Immediately, Sirius abandoned Remus and we both ran in as humans to the cellar. Peter and I showed him the set of stairs. With a dog-like bark of joy, Sirius dove right in to see where the stairs led. Before he could say anything, I gave Peter the job of staying with Remus, and I jumped down with him. The two of us tore down the stairs and ended up coming out of the one-eyed witch's statue. Pleased with our progress, Sirius and I high-fived one another and ran back up to Honeydukes.

Once there, we told Remus and Peter about it as animals, and they were pretty intrigued as well. Remus told us to be responsible about it and don't sneak out all the time from there, but Sirius said that would take the fun out of knowing about the passage. Peter and I agreed wholeheartedly, and Remus sighed like he always did when we were being abysmally slacking. We didn't care though; Sirius and I chased Peter all over Hogsmeade, laughing in whatever way our animals laughed, and Remus ran behind us, trying to stop us. After a few hours though, Remus retired to the Shack, and the three of us went back to our dormitory, talking at top speed about what to do about our new passage.

And now, here I am, on my bed writing about all of this. I don't want to. What I do want to do is throw this book into the fire; I've been reading over some of my earlier entries, and I hate how I sound. I don't sound like me; I sound like some nancy boy, which is awful. I'm not a nancy boy! I am me, and the person I am is much cooler than I seem to be.

I am James Potter, and when Remus comes back from the Shrieking Shack in a few days, I'm going to throw something at him for giving me this diary; and I'm never going to write in it again.

_A/N: Ah James, why can't you see that you like your diary? Don't be difficult. As for Miss Evans…she's in love. James was right. She's really not being a very smart girl at the moment, but at least she's not being a bitch. But yeah – this chapter was somehow rather difficult to write for me; it may just be me slipping into writer's block, but whatever. I hope you liked it. The next one is going to be rather interesting, I know that for sure, so review this one and I'll get that one up ASAP!_


	31. Happy Birthday Lily

_A/N: All right, well, this time, it's Lily's birthday. This chapter is the longest in this story so far, which was why it took so long to update (there's my reason, to those of you who got a wee bit annoyed at my slowness - you know who you are), but there's a lot going on. I do hope you enjoy it!_

**Lily**

January 30th

Dear Diary,

Today, as I write, I am no longer fifteen. Yes, it is my sixteenth birthday, and I have finally hit the perfect age – young enough to enjoy life, but old enough to feel important. I can also get my Apparition license in exactly a year, which is what I've been waiting for. Sixteen! Me! I love it.

Well, most of it.

My birthday was a little different this year – both in good ways and bad ways – and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. I'll let you, my ever-knowing diary, judge that for me.

When I woke up this morning – six in the morning, as always – every girl in our dormitory (except Kyleigh, I noticed) was standing around my bed and shouted happy birthday into my face. I was deafened (and still half-asleep), but I appreciated it; I got out of bed, hugged them all, and thanked them. Then Leila took me off to the side and handed me a box.

"Happy birthday, Lils!" she said, giving me an extra hug. "Open it!"

I smiled, obligingly took the lid off the box, and peered inside. Inside the mother-load of tissue paper, I discovered a white dress. I took it out to examine it, and I gasped; it was a long, flowery sort of dress with thin straps, a prettily-cut neckline, and a few cleverly set layers. It was absolutely gorgeous.

"Leils, this is incredible!" I cried. "Thank you so much!" I began to hug her closely, and she laughed.

"I know, isn't it? My sister found it the other day, and I knew you'd like it," she said.

"I do; thanks again!" I hugged her one last time and folded up the dress for later usage. Then, utterly thrilled with the day so far, I speed-dressed into whatever came to my hands. I just wanted to get out and enjoy my day, so I didn't even look in the mirror when I was getting ready. But before I walked out of the dormitory, Leila caught sight of me and nearly fainted.

"Lily! You don't expect me to let you go out like that on your birthday, do you?" she asked, looking at me in disbelief.

"I just want to go, Leils – my clothes don't matter," I said happily.

"They do matter." Leila herded me straight back to the bathroom, where she handed me the black shirt I had worn on New Years with her own tight black jeans. I stared at her in horror.

"Leils, I am _not_ allowed to wear this to school," I said.

"Hang on." She took out a piece of parchment, scrawled two words on it, and put a Sticking Charm to the rear of my pants.

"Leila!" I screeched. "What did you put on my butt?!"

"It says birthday girl," Leila said with a grin. "You can get away with anything. Besides, I'll bet you anything Sirius will bail you out if a teacher gets upset."

"Why would Sirius do that?" I inquired, mystified. "Sirius hates me."

"He would think you were sexy, and he would have something to look at," Leila explained. "He sticks up for you when you look good."

"This is ridiculous," I said, giving her the shirt back. "I'll take the pants if you take that sign off my behind, but the shirt is out of the question."

Leila sighed and took the shirt away. Within a few minutes, she was back with another shirt; this one's neck was low enough to show some cleavage and left about four inches of my stomach exposed, so I gave it right back. Irritated, Leila gave me a tube top. I handed it right back.

"I am not going to wear something that shows off my breasts or my stomach," I told her. "If you have something that fits that description, then please give it to me. Otherwise, I will wear what I want."

With another sigh, Leila gave me a beige t-shirt with a square neck, which, though it stopped in an appropriate spot, extended the sides up to my underarms. It was also skin-tight, and revealed just a tiny strip of my stomach with the black jeans. It would be my best bet, so I accepted the outfit and put it all on.

That wasn't the end of my torture, however; my hair was the next thing to be attacked. It was mercilessly curled and rumpled until it was tied up in a messy, yet sophisticated manner. Then, when I was wearing high-heels, had a brown-bronze necklace around my neck, and wore matching earrings, Leila let me out of the room, babbling about how lovely I was looking. I thanked her and gave her a few hugs, of course, but at the same time, it was highly unnecessary – I did not need to go to such lengths. Sixteen was a great age to be, but seventeen was the one to bother about. But I should have expected Leila's reaction; she takes every opportunity she can to doll me up and throw parties.

When we went to the common room, a surprising amount of people wished me happy birthday (I suspected that it had been Leila who spread the word), but the most surprising of all was a certain Kyleigh Brookes.

I had been sitting on the sofa, laughing with Leila, when Kyleigh approached me. I stopped mid-laugh, anxious and baffled at the same time – these days, Kyleigh put most of her energies in pretending that I was not in the same country, let alone the same room.

"Hey Kyles," I said cautiously.

"Happy birthday," she said stiffly.

"Thank you." I was pleased that she remembered, but I wasn't sure why she sounded so forced.

She pursed her lips with agonized eyes and said, "Look, it was really stupid that we fought the way we did, and I know that."

"It was," I agreed. "But you know what? I don't see any point in saying I'm sorry, and quite honestly, if you apologized, you'd be wasting your breath."

"I wasn't going to," she said, even though we both knew she was.

"I sound harsh," I tried to back-track. "I know that. But I'm tired of being trampled on. I don't want to be one of those reusable objects that you destroy for a little while and resurrect when you decide you need them again. I have feelings too; I'm not going to let you or anyone else ever get the better part of me again."

She sighed. "I suppose. But I miss you, Lils."

"You have a funny way of showing it," I said.

"Come on; you know that I overdo things all the time," Kyleigh said.

"But I don't want to be the one who gets hurt every time you do," I said. "You can do that with Sirius, but you're not going to do it with me too."

"Fine," she said finally. "We're not friends anymore."

"Were we ever?" I asked her sadly. "There were times when I wasn't sure."

She shrugged, though I knew that the situation was doing more than she let show. "Happy birthday, Lily."

"Thanks." I hugged her for a long moment before we both went our separate ways – me to where Leila was waiting for details and Kyleigh to where Sirius was waiting to snog her. It didn't bother me too much though; life wasn't always fair. She was my best friend, but times change. It was sad, and I knew it, but things didn't always work out, no matter how sure you were that they would. I had to move on. I couldn't linger in my misery – that had happened once, and I wasn't going to do it again. I had to let it slide off of me, and I would do just that.

After Kyleigh, the breakfast bell rang; the hungry Gryffindors nearly fell out of the portrait hole in their haste to get something to eat. I walked at a leisurely pace with Leila, who was pondering what to do for my birthday celebrations.

"I think we should go out to Hogsmeade and do something fun there," she suggested. "We can shop, if you'd like."

"I think I want to stay in the castle and finish my homework," I said.

Leila very nearly smacked me when I said that. "Lily! It is your _birthday_ today. You are not supposed to be doing your homework, damn it!"

"Oh all right, I'll take a night off," I said, smiling slightly as she gave me a relieved look.

"Thank goodness you weren't _completely_ off your rocker," she said. "Now let's go to breakfast! Come on!" Leila took my hand and together, we ran to the Great Hall, laughing. We sat down at our usual spot at the Gryffindor table, and immediately, Leila piled her plate with whatever she could reach. I, of course, took nothing; I simply watched my friend gorge herself stupid. It was rather entertaining, actually – Leila is a hearty eater.

After about half of her plate was empty, she looked at my empty one. "Lily, why aren't you eating?" she asked.

"I'm not hungry," I clarified. "I feel sick."

"I thought you were over this," Leila said with a groan. "Shall I call James?"

"Oh, please, no," I pleaded. "Don't call James."

"Then eat," she said, pointing at my plate.

I was about to object again, but I was saved the trouble by James bouncing up to my spot at the table. James was in the lead, as usual, and he looked at me with an elation I had rarely ever seen.

"Lily! Happy birthday!" He picked me up out of my seat and pulled me into a tight hug.

The hug…I had meant to think nothing of it, but somehow, I couldn't. I had…I guess I had kind of…_liked_…it. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I did. It was the hug of someone who cared. Childish though it sounds, I have always longed to have those types of hugs. I get them from family and even from Leila time to time, but this one was different. This one felt…right. This one could last me forever.

When he let me go though, I kept things light (mostly because I got another ABC to hug him back even tighter) by asking, "Okay, where is the flirty and annoying James Potter? This one is different."

"I'm just happy for you, babe," he said enthusiastically.

"Look, I really appreciate it and all, but _never_ call me babe again," I told him.

He laughed. "Okay. That's a promise, birthday girl." Then he gave me The Grin again; it was my favorite out of all his facial expressions. It was the sweet one that made me wonder why he was such a jerk, and why he couldn't be the fantastic guy he seemed to be.

I allowed myself to smile slightly at him. "Thanks."

I was almost ready to be nice to him – truly, I was – but then he made a dire mistake; he cleared his throat and shouted, "Okay, Hogwarts. Today is Lily Evans' sixteenth birthday, and I want to ask you all to sing to her because she's worth it. Ready?"

If it was anyone else who had commanded the hall to sing, they would have gotten weird looks and would be forced to move to another school. But, as it was, James was the one who had made the request – of course they would sing, eagerly at that. Pretending to be a conductor, James led the school in a booming rendition of Happy Birthday, beaming away as he did. I hid my face in my arms, trying to look invisible though I was failing miserably. He lifted my head up, and I knew that I was blushing deeply red; only that could made him smile the way he did.

"Happy birthday," he said in my ear.

I smiled shyly at his earnestness. "Thank you."

At that point, Sirius and Peter ran to me – Remus was apparently sick today – and Sirius grinned. "Happy birthday, Evans. You're sixteen – you're quite old, aren't you?"

"Thank you, Black," I said, my words coming out with mixed sarcasm and sincerity.

"Happy birthday," Peter piped up. "Have a good one."

"Thank you," I said, smiling my hollow, on-the-surface smile at him. It confused most boys, which was why I kept it handy, and Peter was no exception; he exchanged a significant look with Sirius before looking back to James. James, however, knew that smile – I had used it on him enough – and laughed.

"So, Lily…what are you going to do in the evening for your birthday?" he asked too innocently.

"I have no doubt that Leila has arranged something or another for me to do, so whatever it is, I'll be doing that," I answered.

James winked at Leila (which nearly made her have a seizure) and said, "Okay. Sounds good. See you later, girls. Happy birthday again, Lily." He smiled once more at me before leaving the Great Hall. Leila squealed the moment he was gone.

"Lily! How cute is he?!" she cried. "How can you not love him after that?"

"Leils, I don't love him," I told her patiently. "I am simply touched that he cared so much about my birthday. Being touched is not the same as being in love."

"The way you smiled at him!" she went on as though I hadn't said anything. "Oh Lil; I wish I got that in a picture. You were so in love."

Normally, I would have told her to shut up and talk about something else, but I was somehow caught off guard. "I was?"

That was all she needed. "YES!" she all but screamed. "You were _so_ in love. I don't really have the words, but you truly did look like you loved him."

"I think your eyes need a check, because I don't love him," I said, no longer interested. "Please – can we get off of this topic?"

"Okay," she said. "Let's get to class, and then we'll talk about James later."

I sighed – I knew she would hold on to that promise – but I was glad that I hadn't been condemned to eating breakfast. Another meal skipped – excellent. However, I knew it was short-lived; Leila had that knack of realizing what I was thinking and demanding some sort of explanation for it.

"Lily, you didn't eat breakfast!" she said, right on cue. "Come on, let's go back – we can get you some fruit and you can eat it before class."

"We're late," I said, walking a bit faster. "I don't want breakfast, Leila."

"You need to eat," she insisted.

"It's my birthday," I reminded her. "I can do what I want."

"Lil, the way you're going, you won't live for your next birthday," she said. "Come on; let's get you something to eat."

I shook my head. "I'll eat at lunch – I promise," I said.

"Okay, fine," Leila grumbled. "But if you don't, I'll get James."

"Fine," I said.

We walked on in silence, since there was nothing to say, but then Snape joined us. He smiled up at me and said, "Happy birthday, Lily."

"Thanks," I said, giving him a half-smile.

"Happy returns of the day!" he called out to me as he turned a corner.

I gave him an unsure smile at that, but then turned back to Leila, who was giggling madly.

"Don't laugh," I said reproachfully. "He's a slimy git, I know, but he's not too bad if you don't act like James around him."

"But he's _Snivelly_," she said with a noise somewhere between a giggle and a snort. "He's a dork, Lily."

"I know," I said. "But still – don't be rude."

Leila rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Come on – we're nearly there." We stepped into the classroom and took our seats together. While we set up, Leila began to talk about something or another – quite honestly, I wasn't paying attention – and, before we knew it, James and the rest of the class came in as well. The bell rang, class started, and the morning began.

The lessons I had all morning were pretty uneventful – life continued as usual, with more notes to take and numerous facts/spells/counter-curses to remember; among those things, I had to make plans on how to escape lunch, as well as find a few passages in my Transfiguration book that would help me with McGonagall's essay. More than once, I even forgot it was my birthday; I was only reminded by James, who saw fit to, in every class, inform the teacher that I had turned sixteen and convincing the classroom to sing to me every period. Leila thought it was cute; I thought that though it was sweet of him, it was kind of annoying; I'd heard the bloody song about six times by the time lunch rolled around.

Lunch. I knew that I couldn't eat, because I wanted to be able to wear that beautiful dress Leila had given me, but it was a problem getting rid of James and Leila, who were both insistent that I ate. I went to the Great Hall with Leila's hand securely on my wrist, and we both took a seat at the table. As was her custom, Leila took pretty much everything that she could get her hands on, and dove in right away. I didn't; I simply surveyed her progress. It was disgusting, but it was better than eating it all myself.

After a few minutes, Leila said, "Ifu 'ink oo'll ge 'way 'at eafily, 'ink 'ain."

"What?" I asked.

She gave an enormous swallow. "I said, if you think you'll get away that easily, think again. Here." She took my plate and put some French fries on it. "This isn't much, but if you can eat it, I'll be satisfied."

I decided that I would try; I owed her that much, didn't I? I sighed and took a fry. While I was nibbling it, Leila gave me a satisfied grin and began to talk about something else. I finished the plate, but then I looked down at my thighs; they were enormous. I hated them – they looked like potato sacks sticking out of my hips. I couldn't eat French fries; that fat always went straight to your thighs. I had to do something, but I could only think of one option. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. What else was there to do?

I excused myself to the bathroom and I stood in front of the toilet again. I closed my eyes; I knew how to do it this time, but that didn't mean I liked it. I took a breath and put my fingers in just the right spot. I'm not going to go into what happened next, but it wasn't fun. I wanted to pass out, but that would mean someone would find me and figure out what I had been doing. Then they would put me in a ghastly program of some sort for me to "sort out my problems." I didn't have any problems except for my bloody weight, and that was what I wanted to fix!

I know that what I'm doing is wrong. I know that it's unhealthy, and can cause a lot of problems. But the difference between me and every other girl that gets ill is that I know when to stop – I will stop doing this nasty business the moment my weight goes down. I take no pleasure from my actions – it's all necessary. That's that.

I went back to the Great Hall feeling woozy, and I was so sure that it showed that I was tempted to ask Leila why she didn't see it when she babbled on as though nothing had happened. I was grateful though; I didn't quite want to explain why I was so sick. We left after she had finished her colossal breakfast, and so far, everything was working fine – I had nothing in my stomach, Leila was happily chattering away, and James hadn't made the school sing for me again. I didn't dare hope for more than that.

Classes were, once more, ordinary except for James making everyone sing to me again and again. When he began the chorus of 'happy birthdays,' I always watched him closely to see what he was thinking, but I was always unsuccessful. He was joyful, yes, but he was always joyful when it came to embarrassing me that way. I looked closely, my eyes raking across his face, drinking in every ounce of emotion that there was to take, but I could think of nothing. All I saw was a cheerful, lovesick guy making everyone sing the same song every half an hour. I knew there was more to it than that, but I couldn't think of it. I was hungry, but I tried to silence my stomach before Leila noticed.

"So Lily…what do you want to do tonight?" Leila asked as we lounged around on our beds after our classes were over for the day.

"I dunno," I said, playing with some thread on my comforter. "Should we go to Hogsmeade or something?"

"Okay," she agreed. "When do you want to go?"

"I dunno, maybe later," I said. "Right now, I want to work."

Leila sighed. "I thought we had already settled this. You are not working today."

"I know, but I have nothing to do," I said.

"Here, I have to go for a few minutes; can you survive out here without working?" she asked.

"Yeah, I reckon I can," I told her, rolling my eyes.

"Good." She jumped up and ran outside. I lay back on my bed when the door closed, giddy with relief. Leila had no idea that I had not eaten anything for lunch that stayed in my stomach – it hadn't even been too hard to keep the secret. I was pretty excited; I was doing well. Really well.

As I relaxed and let my thoughts wander, I found that they strayed over to James. His smile. His eyes. His laugh. His overall personality. I wasn't sure, but I could feel myself get…intrigued, I suppose you could say. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted him to be there so that I could bombard him with every question I could think to ask about his existence. Is that normal? Is that right? Am I supposed to feel that way?

No, I answered myself. I am not supposed to feel that way. I hate James Potter. End of story. That's how it's always been.

But is there more to that story? Is there maybe some way I…_like_…him a little bit? A tiny, tiny, tiny bit?

Ugh, no. I shouldn't be questioning this. I shouldn't be thinking about it. My ABC's are utterly absurd. They should not be poisoning my mind. I was done. I don't like him, let alone love him. That really is the end of the story. Complications come in the middle, but then they are resolved in the end to the simple truth – I hate him.

As I was mulling this over, Leila bounded into the room, looking rather pleased, and said, "Come on, Lily! Come here!"

"What?" I gave her a quizzical look as I was dragged out of the dormitory and down the stairs.

She didn't respond; all she did was take me down the winding staircase and push me out to the common room. An explosion of colored paper and streamers hit my eyes, as well as a deafening shout of, "HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY, LILY!"

"Ah!" Both by the surprise and the massive heels I was wearing, I fell on the floor with a thud. Dazed, I found James looming over me, grinning; he gave me his hand, and I took it to lift myself up off the ground.

"Happy birthday," he said softly.

I half-smiled at him for the second time, and he gave me a full smile. I wasn't sure what to say back to him – it was quite an embarrassing situation. I couldn't use my tongue; it felt like a wet, wadded-up ball of cloth in my mouth. However, I was spared the agony of standing there with him by Sirius yelling at me; "Get over here, Evans," he called impatiently.

Gladly, I walked away from James and went to Sirius. "Yes?"

Sirius looked me over, seemingly impressed, and said, "You look good. Now tell me what songs in here you like so that I can play them."

I looked up at him, puzzled. "I thought you hated me."

"Oh, I do," he assured me. "It's just that it's your birthday, and James wants me to be nice. So I am."

I smirked. "Figures. Anyway, I like…these." I pointed out a few songs from the list he had in his hand.

Sirius snorted. "What a crappy musical sense you have. I'm picking the music."

"Fine," I said, rolling my eyes at him. "But might I remind you that it was you that put the list together?"

"I asked Peter what music he liked, and I pick on him for having bad taste all the time," he said, giving me a laugh that sounded eerily like a dog barking. "But I've decided that I'm playing what I want. And if you want me to play what _you_ want, you'd better dance with me."

"There are three things wrong with that," I said. "Firstly, your kind of dancing is having sex. I'm not doing that. Secondly, you are dating Kyleigh, not me; she would flay me to an inch of my life if she saw me with you. We may not be friends, but I'm not making the mistake of getting involved with you again. Thirdly, James would flay _you_ to an inch of your life if you tried to dance with me."

Sirius laughed again. "You're right about all of them. Go then; I think I see James, and if he sees you hot and bothered, he's going to get mad at me."

I shrugged and went back to Leila, purposely side stepping James. "Leils, what is going on?" I hissed when I got to her.

"Your surprise party," she said, beaming at me. "And I assume that Sirius was asking you about music just now?"

"Yes, he was," I said. "But apparently, my musical preferences are crappy, and he's going to play what he wants. He offered to play my choices if I danced with him, but I said no way."

"Good for you," she said, chuckling. "Now come with me – we can get a butterbeer."

I went obediently with her, and I drank my butterbeer. Everyone in Gryffindor House was dancing, drinking, flirting and/or laughing, but not me; I was on the side, as always. I had never liked to dance, though countless people had tried to make me in the past. Every excuse has been used – all you have to do is step with the beat, it's so much fun, you can come with me, just enjoy yourself – but none have worked. After a few minutes of hanging around with me, Leila went out to have some fun, and I kept to myself. That was how it always worked.

Many that I have met think you're absolutely boring if you stand on the side and look at everyone else have fun, but it's actually not. I like it; you can get lost in your own thoughts that way, and observe whoever is around you. Call me weird, but it's an interesting exercise; I get a better idea of human nature by watching what people do. As I observed what a couple of second-years dance, Leila marched over to me, looking annoyed.

"You – dance floor. Now," she ordered. "Come on."

"Leila, this really isn't necessary," I tried to convince her. "I don't want to dance!"

"Yes, you are," she said, obviously not in a mood to be messed with. She took my wrist and navigated to the center of the group. Once we were there, Sirius put on a very easy-to-dance-to type of song, and Leila pushed me out in front of everyone.

That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever been condemned to doing, actually. Everyone was watching me, and cheering for me. There were too many people. I hated dancing, and I hated spotlights; combine the two and you get disaster. I wanted to run away, but there was nowhere to go. I was standing there like a panic-struck idiot; what would I do?

Just when I thought all hope was lost, James stepped to the center with me. "Need some help?" he whispered.

"Please," I whispered back.

He nodded. "Leave it to me."

Then, with a loud war-whoop, James put his arm around my waist and spun me around. I laughed, feeling like a six-year-old child, and spun with him, truly enjoying myself for the first time in the party. In essentials, it was a swirl of smiles, laughter, and moving along with him; those are the only words I can think of to describe what we were doing. I do hate dancing, but with James, it was somewhat bearable; he was in control of what I did, so I was spared thinking of my own actions. Not only that, but he was flexible; if I slipped up – which I did plenty of – he covered it for me. I realized tonight that he's spent five years doing that – trying to hush my mistakes up so that nobody would think too much about it. That added something sweet to our dance; I found myself smiling at him in ways that I hadn't done before.

When it was all over – finally – he took me to the side, laughing and shaking his head. "That was some dance, Lil," he said happily. "I had fun."

"You know, I kind of did too," I admitted. "Thanks for saving me."

"Ah, no problem, birthday girl," he said with a smile. "Oh, wait; I almost forgot. I got you a birthday present."

"You didn't have to," I began to say, but he shushed me.

"Yes, I did. Here you go." He gave me a small black box, and I looked at him curiously.

"More jewelry?"

"No," he said with a grin. "Open it."

I did, and four slips of parchment fell out. I bent down, picked them up, and began to read them; they all said the same thing:

_This is a coupon that can be used any time to make James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, or Peter Pettigrew do any one thing that you want them to do. Use it well._

"I didn't know what to get for you, so I figured you could tell us yourself," he said.

"Thanks," I said sincerely, smiling at him. "That's pretty thoughtful."

"Sirius wasn't thrilled," James admitted. "He said that you would use it for evil, but I told him that I knew you wouldn't."

"You have more faith in me than I do," I said with a mischievous laugh. "Sirius's life is going to be a living hell."

"Lil, please," he said. "Don't torture him."

I sighed, disappointed. "Oh all right; I won't make his life a living hell."

"On Sirius' behalf, thank you," James said. "Anyway, do you want me to sneak you back out to your dormitory? I'm almost positive that you don't want to be here."

"Could you?" I asked, grateful to him for the very first time.

"Sure," he said. "But…only after the cake."

"No," I groaned. "No cake – please."

"It's chocolate," he tried to tempt me. "You love chocolate; Leila told me."

"I know, but I don't want cake," I said. "I'll cut it if you insist, but I'm not eating it."

"Fair enough," he said. "Come on." He took my hand and we went to the center again, where Leila had produced a table with a huge chocolate cake on it. It was a beautiful thing – professionally iced with sugar flowers everywhere – but it made me feel sick. Leila was going to expect me to eat a slice.

"One more time, everyone," James called out to everybody there. "Sing her happy birthday."

And it began once again – I was sung to for the twelfth time in the day. James stood on one side of me and Leila was on the other for the whole thing, and when the song was over, James lit candles (on the side, so not to ruin the cake) for me to blow out.

"Make a wish, Lily," he said in my ear.

What was my wish? I looked at the candles, the flames dancing before my eyes as though waiting for me, and I thought. There was only one thing I wanted, and it was for Remus to be with me. I was somewhat over him, but I loved him, and I still did – he was what I wanted for my birthday. I wasn't going to use my coupon for something like that, but I decided on a general wish – I wanted to fall in love; that was my final thought before I blew out the candles.

Applause rang in my ears as Leila began to serve cake, but James led me quietly off to the stairs when no one was looking my way. "Go," he whispered. "Happy birthday, Lils."

"Don't call me Lils, but thank you," I whispered back to him. He looked back at me with a friendly smile, and I got another ABC; I wanted to kiss him ever so lightly before I went upstairs to show him that I was thankful for what he had done. But I didn't; instead, I bit my lip and went up to my bathroom. There, I changed out of the clothes Leila had lent me and got ready for bed early. I was tired – celebrating my sixteenth birthday had been quite an ordeal.

Now I'm on my bed, and I'm thinking about James again. He's so…I don't know…just James. He's so unpredictable. He's always on my mind. I don't know why that is – normally, I loathe him and I want to feed him to the Giant Squid. Nowadays though, I find myself thinking about him constantly – his face was so familiar, and it was growing on me. I want to touch him, but I don't know how to do it because then people would say we're in love. I'm not in love with him; it's…something else. Just something that's not love.

I think I hear Leila though; she's going to want to know why I've been up here when the party was in the common room. I have to find a valid excuse for being where I am, and I think I'll write again tomorrow.

**James**

January 30th

Dear Diary,

Today was Lily's sixteenth birthday.

It was quite an ordeal, I must say. I worked hard to make sure it was the greatest day I could make it; Leila and I planned it together. That was a problem because she flirted quite a lot, but I ignored that; I had to make Lily's birthday a memorable one.

Yesterday night, when everyone else had gone to bed, Sirius, Peter, Leila, and I (Remus was still a werewolf) all sat down to plan what we were going to do. Kyleigh joined us, but only because Sirius was in on it; Sirius was only in on it because I forced him to. Still, I had a bunch of ideas, and I wanted to air them out so that I could get some help to make them reality.

"So, I'm thinking that when she gets up tomorrow, it'll be non-stop attention for her birthday," I proposed.

"No," Leila said. "Lily hates attention. She's going to want to work on her birthday – I bet you anything."

"That's one of the things you can't let her do, Leila," I said. "I'm putting you in charge of that."

"Okay," she said, batting her eyelashes at me. I ignored her.

"I'd say we do a surprise party in the evening too, with cake and everything," I said. "Peter, can you take care of that?"

"Of course I can," Peter said. "I know this great place in Hogsmeade for cakes – the girls there know me, so I can get something good for a decent price."

"Excellent," I chirped. "Sirius, help him with the pricing for snacks, and can you take care of decorations?"

"James, are you sure this is a good idea?" Leila asked. "Lily hates parties."

"Lily hates everything fun," Kyleigh pointed out. "But we'll try to change that tomorrow."

"Thank you, Kyleigh," I said, banging my fist on the table. "I'm thinking all-out party with music tomorrow night, singing to her every class period, presents, and _no work_."

"It sounds like her nightmare," Kyleigh said with a laugh. "But she could use some fun; she's absolutely boring."

"All of you need to shut it," Sirius said loudly. "It's going to be fun – we're the planners, aren't we?"

"That's what I thought too," Kyleigh agreed at once. "But what are you going to give her for her birthday, James?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "Do you guys know what I should get for her?"

"Get her a nice book," Kyleigh suggested innocently.

"No," I snapped. "You can get her that."

"I'm not buying her anything for her birthday," Kyleigh proclaimed. "She's not my friend; I see no reason to."

"That's not nice, Kyleigh," Leila said reproachfully. "I think you should get something – it's her sixteenth birthday. My sister found this gorgeous dress in a shop a few days ago and sent it to me, telling me to give it to Lily. She's going to love it."

"Aren't there those coupon things where you can make someone do one thing for you if you give one in?" Sirius asked. "Why don't you give her one of those?"

"You're a genius, Sirius," Kyleigh said flirtatiously, her eyelashes batting. "Come her and kiss me."

"Okay." Sirius shrugged, grinned, and obliged while I turned away with revulsion. Peter covered his eyes and requested that they please leave if they must do that. Sirius told him not to watch if it bothered him; that made Peter sit back in his chair and sulk. Indifferent, Sirius went on kissing Kyleigh, and I turned to Leila.

"You know, that's not a bad idea," I said. "Should I give her four coupons?"

"I think that would work," said Leila. "But then again, you never know if she'll abuse her power."

"Don't do it," Peter advised. "She's going to make Sirius's life hell – you mark my words."

"Well, if that makes her happy, then let's go for it," Leila said, grinning rather wickedly.

I snorted, but said, "I think I'll do it then. I mean, I love her and I want to make her happy; I'm trying my hardest to show her that, but it's not working."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Leila told me wisely. "I think she's starting to like you."

"Is she?" I was intrigued; she had definitely been nicer to me lately, but Leila would know the truth – I had to know it too.

"Mhmm," Leila said, eager to share the information with me. "She still won't admit it straight-out, but I think I can see it."

"Really?" It was too good to be true – I had to know if Lily was starting to like me. Everything I had set out to do would come true if Lily liked me. She didn't even have to love me! All I wanted was to be on good terms with her; it was much harder than it sounded.

She thought for a moment, but said uncomfortably, "I shouldn't discuss this when she's not here to defend herself though. She's my best friend – I don't want to upset her."

I sighed with frustration, but continued to plow on with my plans. "All right, so coupons, party, singing, presents…am I missing anything?"

"What about a birthday kiss?" Leila asked teasingly.

"You know as well as I do that she would never let me do that," I said shortly.

"She's kissed you before," Leila pressed. "Try it again."

"I don't want to annoy her on her birthday," I told her. "Let's not push the envelope, shall we?"

Leila sighed. "With Lily, you have to keep pushing the envelope – if you don't, she can last forever hiding what she thinks. She's shy, and she's unsure; push her gradually and you get results."

"I guess." I sighed again and said, "All right, so are we done with planning?"

"We are?" Sirius pulled away from Kyleigh for a moment to look curiously at us. I smirked.

"Yes, we're done. But I do have one more job for you, Sirius," I said.

"What's that?" he inquired, rather warily, I noticed.

"When Lily comes downstairs for the party, give her a list of music. Let her pick the songs she likes and play those," I ordered. "Ask Peter what he likes and use that."

"C'mon then, Pete," Sirius said, gesturing for him to come to the dormitory. "I have to get this over with. Kyles, you come with us."

"Okay." She bounced up and let Sirius carry her on his back as they went upstairs. I watched them go with a strange low feeling in my chest; I had always wanted to be that close to Lily. I had always wanted her to feel the same way Kyleigh felt about Sirius. I sighed for the third time and turned back to Leila.

"Are you all right?" she asked. "You look sad."

"It's nothing," I lied. "Anyway, I need you to get her ready for the party, make sure she doesn't work, that she eats, and doesn't know about any of our plans. Bring her down when I tell you. Can you do that?"

"Sure," she said. "And hey – she's going to appreciate this. I know she is."

"Let's hope so," I said. "Now I've got to get some sleep if I want to stay awake for tomorrow – good night, Leila."

"Good night." She waved and went up to her dormitory while I went to mine. Sirius had left a messy list on my table and was already snoring away in bed. I snorted, put the list away, and got into bed myself; I had to be ready, like I told Leila.

When I got up again this morning, I had a lot yet to do. I dressed, washed up, ate a hasty breakfast consisting of a slice of buttered toast and an orange, and ran upstairs again. I checked up on the list, made sure I knew where all the decorations were, and woke up Sirius and Peter.

"Wassamatter?" Sirius asked grumpily, still half-asleep.

"It's Lily's birthday – get up," I said, poking his back.

"Meh." Sirius turned over on his side again and tried to go back to sleep.

Notice I said that he only tried.

I grabbed my wand from my bedside table, said a select word in my mind, and Sirius was dangling upside down in midair, shrieking curse words at me. I put him down, hardly able to control my laughter, but he glowered at me.

"Fine, fine," he grumbled. "Let's get ready for Evans' birthday."

"That's more like it," I said. "I'm going to breakfast though; she's bound to be there, and I have a little surprise for her."

"She has my sympathies," Sirius said with a laugh. "Don't kill her with embarrassment, Prongs; she's a fragile little Lily."

"Not anymore," I said. "But I'll keep that in mind."

With that, I walked downstairs to the Great Hall, where I scanned the Gryffindor table for Lily. I saw her sitting with Leila, and Leila was obviously trying to make her eat breakfast; the two of them were arguing, and Leila kept pointing at a plate.

"Lily! Happy birthday!" I launched myself at her part of the table, picked her out of her seat, and hugged her tightly. I loved to hug her; she reminded me of a little squeeze toy. When I finally let her breathe again, she gave me a puzzled look and asked, "Okay, where is the flirty and annoying James Potter? This one is different."

"I'm just happy for you, babe," I chirped. I instantly wanted to slap myself; why had I called her babe???

She was apparently thinking along those same lines. "Look, I really appreciate it and all, but _never_ call me babe again," Lily said.

Trying to cover up my mistake, I laughed a little too loud and said, "Okay. That's a promise, birthday girl." I grinned at her, and she simply thanked me. There was something murky in her eyes as she said the word, but I dismissed it; I had another job to do.

"Okay, Hogwarts," I called out. "Today is Lily Evans' sixteenth birthday, and I want to ask all of you to sing to her because she's worth it. Ready?"

Lily looked like she wouldn't mind sinking through the ground with humiliation, but I didn't care; I cheerfully made the school sing for her, and they did because I was me – James Potter, Quidditch player extraordinaire. My status makes it easy to get what I want.

When it was finished, I whispered in her ear, "Happy birthday."

"Thank you," she said timidly, smiling.

Then, with the killer timing only they can have, Sirius and Peter ran over to us. Sirius grinned at Lily and, in essentials, told her happy birthday – she was quite old now. Peter just said have a good one – which was to be expected, since he didn't like her all that much – but I was grateful it was nothing worse. I managed to get them out of there without Lily trying to hurt them, which was a good thing, but I still felt it better to send them away before talking to her again.

"So, Lily…what are you doing for your birthday in the evening?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound too fishy.

"I have no doubt that Leila has arranged something or another for me to do, so whatever it is, I'll be doing that," she replied coolly, her eyes following me suspiciously.

"Okay, sounds good," I said lightly. "See you later, girls. Happy birthday again, Lily." I smiled once more at her, and then I left the Great Hall to find Sirius and Peter, who were waiting for me by the doors. We ascended the stairs then to get our bags, talking as we did.

"So you think that this is really going to work?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, I reckon so," I said. "I mean, it's her sixteenth birthday! I want to make it special for her."

"Snog her," Sirius suggested. "That's the best thing you can do for a girl."

"Not that girl," I said with a morose sigh.

Sirius shrugged. "She's not worth it, Prongs, I'm telling you."

"And _I'm _telling _you_ that she is," I said with a note of definiteness. "We're done with this conversation."

"If you say so," Peter said with a sigh of his own.

We went into the common room, grabbed our bags, and dashed down to class, hoping that we weren't late – we would get in huge trouble if we were late again. Our first class was Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall, and she started as she always did – asking us to turn in our homework.

I put my hand in the air. "Professor?"

McGonagall gave me a highly aggravated look; clearly, she thought I was trying to disrupt the class before it had even begun. "Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"It's Lily's birthday," I said sweetly. "I'd love it if the class could sing to her – she's turned sixteen."

I heard Lily give an audible groan from her seat in the back of the room, and when I turned around to look at her, she had put her head in her arms. McGonagall rolled her eyes, exhaled irately, and said, "Very well. Sing if you must."

"Thank you," I said, giving her my most innocent smile. "Three, two, one, sing!"

The students, giggling at Lily's reaction, sang to her, and I made sure that I was the loudest. McGonagall even looked slightly amused by how red Lily was when she looked up, but she only said, "Thank you, Mr. Potter. Now, as I was saying, pass up your essays and get ready to take some notes – all of you."

I grinned, high-fived Sirius, and passed in my essay; it wasn't completely finished and was slightly smudged, but I didn't care – I had spent the night planning Lily's birthday, and that was more important to me than my homework.

The rest of my classes worked similar to Transfiguration – I raised my hand at the start of class and asked the various teachers if we could sing to Lily. She wasn't at all happy about it, but I liked singing to her; I imagined her enjoying it, and smiling at me. That got me through most of the day – I loved her so, so much and I was determined to prove it at the party.

After all of the classes were finally over, I got Peter, Sirius, and Kyleigh together to help beautify the common room – Leila had to keep Lily distracted. We got the decorations out of their hiding places, and began to put them up everywhere – well, actually, I just ordered everyone around, and they did it for me.

"Come on Kyleigh; stop trying to wrap Sirius in streamers," I scolded her. "Those are supposed to go around the pole right there."

"Sorry," she said with a tipsy sort of giggle as she put the streamer in the right spot. "But I don't see why I'm helping – Lily and I aren't friends."

"Well, you're Sirius's friend, and Sirius is _my_ friend; you're stuck," I said. "Besides, she's a lovely girl – I think she deserves it."

Kyleigh smirked. "You're just biased – she's a bitch."

"She's not," I said automatically. "She hasn't told you what's been going on lately, so you're still under that impression."

"Oh, and she willingly told you?" she asked skeptically.

"No, but I figured it out," I said. "I took the trouble to get the knowledge, and now I'm trying my hardest to get her through everything in one piece."

"Good luck with that, mate," Peter said from his corner. "She's not going to let you."

"She will," I promised. "Lily Evans will see the truth one day, and on that day, I'll be waiting. You wait and see."

"I've been waiting for five years, and I've seen nothing," Sirius said.

"You can't time true love," I said. "She'll see it soon."

"Yeah, yeah," Kyleigh said, bored. "Now what am I supposed to do with these balloons?"

I showed her what to do, and after about an hour, the entire common room looked bright and festive. Everything was ready; now we had to get the rest of the Gryffindors from tea.

"Shouldn't everyone be coming back by now?" I asked.

"Yup," Sirius said, pointing at the portrait, which opened to reveal the first group of Gryffindors. Among them were Regina and Chris, I was very displeased to see.

"What have you _done_ to this place?" Chris asked with distaste.

"We're having a surprise party for Lily," I informed him, my eyes narrowed. "Leave."

"Is it her birthday?" He looked confused.

"Yes, you worthless pile of dung," I said. "I've only been announcing that for the entire day."

"You know fully well that I don't listen to you," Chris said, glaring at me.

"Why are you throwing _her_ a surprise party?" Regina demanded. "You never do things like that for me, and I'm your girlfriend!"

"You are not my girlfriend," I told her slowly and clearly. "You are a bitch, and I dumped you ages ago."

"No!" She took my arm and gave me her famous icy stare. "You are my boyfriend, and you are not going anywhere near Lily Evans tonight. You're staying with me."

"Bad luck, mate," Sirius said sympathetically. "At least I have a good girlfriend." To prove his point, he kissed Kyleigh, who swooned when he let her go.

Again, I was hit with that jealousy – I wanted Lily to swoon at me, but I knew she probably wouldn't any time soon. I hid this though; I gave Regina a fierce look while she wrinkled her nose at Sirius.

"Why the hell do you even talk to him?" she asked.

"He's my best friend," I told her. "Now leave."

"Not happening," Regina said, flipping her hair. "I'm going to be here, and with you, because I'm your girlfriend and you're my boyfriend."

Internally, I wanted to murder her, but externally, I kept my face emotionless. At that tense, hostile moment, Leila ran down the stairs to me, and said, "Everything looks fabulous! Shall I get Lily?"

Then she saw Regina, and her eyes hardened. "Hi, bitch."

"Nice to see you, asshole," she said.

"Oy, stop that," I said crossly. "Regina and Chris are leaving."

"Are we?" Chris gave me a smugly questioning look. "I don't think so."

I pulled my wand out, and Sirius stepped right up and took his out as well. "You are," I confirmed for him. "Sirius and I can do very, very ugly things if you don't."

"I'm not going anywhere," Regina declared.

"I'd rather not be here anyway," Chris said, rolling his eyes. "Watching you suck up to that little bitch; not my idea of fun."

"Yeah – your idea of fun is trying to seduce girls who made the mistake of trusting you," I snarled. "Now go, would you?"

He obliged (though he called me something I don't care to repeat) but I was sorry to say that Regina didn't; I wasn't sure who I hated more. Sirius shrugged, and went to start up the music; the Gryffindors were a little awkward after that conversation. Once the first few notes were struck though, Regina, Chris, Sirius, and I were forgotten. For me, it was a relief; I didn't want to talk to anyone about what I had said. I lingered near the stairs alone though, dawdling so that I could wait for Lily. I was rewarded for my patience; Lily and Leila came down the stairs then, and all of us threw streamers and confetti in the air while shouting, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILY!"

Lily was the perfect person to throw a surprise party for; the look on her face was priceless. She fell over in astonishment (and the heels on her feet), but I pulled her up to her feet, smiling.

"Happy birthday," I said to her again.

She tried to smile at me, but she couldn't quite make herself, though I couldn't imagine why. I watched struggle with herself for a moment, but then Sirius called her for the music; she got an easy escape. I watched her go sadly, but I couldn't wallow for long; Regina found me again.

"Come on, James," she said, pulling me to the dance floor. "Dance with me." I had no choice; I was condemned to dancing with Regina, and the worst part was that I had to pretend I was enjoying it. I know that I'm a good actor, but I must be better than I thought, because everyone around me bought it. Regina, inspired, began to dance closer and closer to me; it got so bad that I had to literally push her away. She was undaunted; she kept doing what she was doing with no embarrassment whatsoever, and I wanted to die – dying was better than dancing with Regina Masters.

After an impossibly long time, I looked to the center of the circle; every Gryffindor was looking interestedly in that spot, and cheering for someone. Glad for a reason to distance Regina from my hip, I moved forward to see what was going on, and what I saw horrified me.

Someone – probably Leila – had pushed Lily to the center to dance, and she had no idea what to do. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to run and forget about everything, and I knew that I had to help. I immediately squeezed through the crowd and whispered to her, "Need some help?"

"Please," she whispered to me. She looked so grateful to see me there; I was quite pleased.

"Leave it to me," was all I said before I began to dance with her.

There had been a time when I would have given anything to dance with Lily Evans, but this time, I didn't even have to ask – I just did what I wanted. We twirled, spun, and laughed while we did it all; it was the most fun I'd ever had. She was, admittedly, a terrible dancer, and I had to cover up her mistakes quite often. I didn't mind though; she was my Lily, and I would do anything for her – all she had to do was show that she needed it. She even smiled at me when the dance was over, and I took that as an excuse to walk with her to the side.

"That was some dance, Lil – I had fun," I said sincerely.

"You know, I kind of did too," she confessed. "Thanks for saving me."

"Ah, no problem, birthday girl," I said, grinning. She was so sweet when she was loose with me; normally she had this uptight kind of guard up, but once I got past that, she was exactly the girl I knew I had fallen in love with. Then I remembered – I had to give her the present I had thought so hard about. "Oh, wait; I almost forgot – I got you a birthday present." Well, technically, I had made it, but nobody cared about technicalities anymore.

"You didn't have to," she said.

"Yes, I did. Here you go." I presented her with a small black box, and she gave me a very mystified look.

"More jewelry?" she guessed.

"No," I said, fighting the urge to laugh. "Open it."

She took out the coupons that I had given her, and she looked up at me as though she had never seen anything like me before. Which, of course, she hadn't.

"I didn't know what to get for you, so I figured you could tell us yourself," I explained.

"Thanks," she said, the honesty obvious in her voice. "That's pretty thoughtful."

"Sirius wasn't thrilled," I said, grinning. "He said that you would use it for evil, but I told him that I knew you wouldn't."

"You have more faith in me than I do then," said Lily, her eyes twinkling with mischief I rarely saw. "Sirius's life is going to be a living hell."

"Lil, please don't torture him," I requested.

She sighed, evidently let down; that amused me much more than it should. "Oh all right; I won't make his life a living hell."

"On Sirius's behalf, thank you," I said. "Anyway, do you want me to sneak you back out to your dormitory? I'm almost positive that you don't want to be here." It was slightly disheartening, after the effort I had put into it, but I figured that if Lily wanted to be alone, then she should be able to.

"Could you?" The look on her face reminded me why I always did things like that for her.

"Sure," I said. "But…only after cake."

"No," she moaned. "No cake – please."

She was so comical when she didn't want something. "It's chocolate," I told her, grinning. "Leila told me that you love chocolate." I personally hated chocolate, but I would eat it if Lily liked it.

"I know, but I don't want cake," she insisted. "I'll cut it if you really want me to, but I'm not eating it."

That was the best offer I was going to get, and I wasn't going to waste it; "Fair enough – come on," I said as I dragged her to the cake table Leila had set up. The masterpiece of a cake Peter had managed to hunt down sat in the center, and I felt a bit of pride; we had put together quite a party.

"One more time, everyone," I yelled. "Sing her happy birthday!"

And we did – one more time. Leila and I hovered over Lily as I lit the candles and watched her make a wish to blow them out. When she was done, I decided to keep my end of the bargain; "Go," I told her in her ear as I took her to the stairs. "Happy birthday, Lils."

"Don't call me Lils, but thank you," she whispered. I got those little tingles in the small of my back as she breathed the words in my ear, and I loved them; I watched her go, feeling both the gratification of a job well done, and the unquenchable desire I always carried around for her.

The moment she went, Regina flounced over to me, furious. "You keep ditching me!" she shouted. "Come here!" She took me away to the cake, which Peter and Leila were cutting, and got us each a slice. Sirius and Kyleigh were sitting on the sofas, feeding each other little bites and kissing every few minutes, and Regina obviously expected me to do the same to her. I didn't though; I simply ate in silence, and gave her a filthy look every so often. I finished as quickly as I could, and I ran to throw it out; I did _not_ want to be near her.

I left the party early, since there was no point in staying when Lily wasn't there, and now here I am in my dormitory; my hand is aching from all the writing I just did, and I'm exhausted. A few more Gryffindors came up after I did, but most of them are still downstairs, dancing away their sugar highs – Sirius included. Remus should be back in a couple of days, and then things will be normal once again.

Shit; I hear Regina's out looking for me. I'd better go hide in my bathroom – she never, ever looks in there if she can help it.

You've got to love Sirius and his filthy habits.

_A/N: Quite honestly, I'm just proud that I actually finished this monster of a chapter. I promise; they will never be so long again, because not only was it tiring for you to read (though hopefully not boring, right?), but like James, my fingers are aching. Leave a review and make it all worth it, would you? There's plenty to tell me your reactions on._


	32. Rumors

_A/N: February has arrived for Lily, James, and the rest of the gang! Things start to happen though it's a short month. Lol. This chapter is quite distressing to Lily and it's more conversational than anything – it's her talking to her diary, really. She needs to say these things, but she doesn't know who to tell, so she chose her journal. Some of the things she says won't make any sense at all, but she knows that – she acknowledges it. xD But I hope you like the chapter and will review!_

_And for those of you who are starting to freak out because of Lily's bad habits, never fret – I love Lily far too much to torture her for a long time. James will come and catch her in Chapter 35, I promise. :)_

**Lily**

February 4th

Dear Diary,

You'd better be ready for contradictions, diary, because today, I'm full of them.

Who are they about, you may ask? Well, if you don't know, I'm disappointed. It is, of course, James Bloody Potter that I absolutely hate right now. Maybe I liked him a tiny, itsy bitsy amount before, but now, that's not true. Now, if he tries to do something "nice" for me, I'm going to turn around and walk the other way. I don't want to have to put up with his shit anymore, because it's just not worth it.

Yeah, I am pretty annoyed. Why? Because people think that I'm in love with James. I hadn't known that this was the public opinion until today, when Leila brought the conversation up this afternoon at lunch, but I just can't believe it. I have made it my life's work since I was eleven to establish that I want nothing to do with those boys, and now here was this idea that I was in love with James. I was not! I doubt that I ever will be! We are just two people – one that is smart, one that is an idiot (go figure which is which) and they are forced to communicate with one another because they had the misfortune to go to the same school. That doesn't mean we're together.

"So Lil…the current thoughts are that you are in love with James," Leila had said, obviously trying to sound offhand. "What do you say to that?"

"I say that whoever thinks that could use a good old smack upside the head," I said viciously, stabbing the table with my fork. "Why?"

"Because that's what people think right now," she said. "I heard some Gryffindors talking about it the other day. I said that I was your best friend, and I knew that you didn't, but I'm not sure."

I exhaled roughly, more upset than I could tell her. "Really? You honestly think that I love him?"

"Yes, even though I didn't tell those girls," she said simply. "You guys are a cute couple. I'm not the only one who's noticed."

I bit my lip so hard that it was perilously close to bleeding. "I hate him. We're not right for each other."

"You look together, is what I'm trying to say," Leila said. "And your personalities fit together. Lils, you're going to fall so hopelessly in love with him one day that you're going to wonder why you ever tried denying it; just give up."

I shook my head. "I don't love him. And how are our personalities fitting? He's stupid, I'm not. I'm a bitch, he's not. He's a jock, I'm an academic person. I like to read and he likes to run. His hair is always messy, and mine always lies straight. How do those go together at all?"

"Well, when he's being stupid, you can help him out – balance it," she said. "When you're being a bitch, he can calm you down. You can cheer him on during Quidditch games, and he can sit with you while you read. You can straighten his hair out, and he can mess yours up."

"That makes no sense – he's everything I'm not," I said. "I couldn't stand that. I want someone who shares my interests."

"James would share your interests – he would share just about anything with you," said Leila. "And if he's everything you're not, he'll complete the missing parts of you. He's made for you, Lily."

I couldn't argue with her logic, so I settled for a pout on my face and another bite on my lip. "I hate this," I grumbled.

"Face the facts, sweetie," Leila said with a sigh. "You're in love."

"I'm not," I said, my tone short and dark. "I don't love him."

"But when you do, will you tell me?" she asked.

"I might," I said. "It depends on how much you bug me about loving him when I don't."

Leila snorted, but smiled at me. "If I don't push you, Lily, you will never go for what you want. That's just how you are; you need little shoves to keep you in the right direction, otherwise you'll just run away."

"And what's wrong with running away?" I asked.

"Lily, how will you ever get what you want if you run away from it?" she asked me gently, patting my hair.

"I don't want him," I said abruptly after a moment of dwelling on what she had told me, standing up. "I'm sorry, Leils; I'm going upstairs for the rest of the lunch period."

"Fine." She withdrew her hand. "See you in class."

She knew that she had said something that had miffed me, which was why I was able to get away so easily, but that didn't stop me from pondering what she had said. Leila had scared me, quite honestly, when she told me how compatible I was with James. I had never thought of it the way she said it – him hyping me up, me calming him down. It did work irresistibly well when she put it that way, but at the same time, I could never think of it that way when I was actually in the situation. James Potter was the most vexing person on the face of the planet, and I couldn't believe I might love him.

I settled into my bed, curling up and hugging my knees. I had to think; I had to concentrate. James Potter. What came to mind first when I thought of James Potter?

That was easy – his smile.

He had a sweet smile. His mouth was a lovely thing; it was big, and almost always open, but I secretly liked it. His lips were full and healthy, and when he had them in his usual grin, he was almost childlike in the most mature way I had ever encountered. Contradictory? Yes, it is, but I do remember warning you that I would be contradictory today. Just let me say what I want to say, and maybe this'll all make sense.

So yes, his mouth. I think of his mouth first. Established. But what next?

That was easy too – his eyes were the next thing I thought about.

James had incredible eyes; I hate him, but he has incredible eyes. They're a mellow sort of hazel, with pretty little flecks in them – I know that from the many times he's been in my face. They're quite expressive; I could know what he was thinking just by looking at his eyes. I love his eyes but his personality still needs some work.

Okay, think, relax, and breathe. What else about James do I think about?

His hair.

Yeah, that's kind of lame, but his hair is of a great interest to me. It's blacker than darkness, and it looks thick and soft. I've never touched it, but I find myself wanting to. It's so messy – I want to run my fingers through it and straighten it out. Maybe while I'm at it, I can think about how wonderful it feels. Yes, I think that sounds right – just fix his hair while really adoring the texture.

Oh damn it, what is wrong with me? I'm not supposed to want to touch his bloody hair! I'm not supposed to want to think about his eyes or his smile or his mouth! I'm supposed to think about my work, and about the things that are important to me! At this point, I was close to tears for some reason, and I put my face in my pillows. I was alone, and I was confused – it was okay to cry. I could be strong later; for that particular moment, I just wanted to cry.

I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what I really want anymore. I know that one of the things I want is the truth, but I'm afraid of what I'll find. I also want to know what I actually think. It's a weird thing to want because you should probably know what's going on in your own head, yeah, I'm aware of that, but my head is not a normal place. My head is full of chaotic pandemonium, and somehow, I have to sift through it to find individual thoughts. In all my bedlam, I don't know anything anymore. That's why I want to know what I think – maybe what I think will be important. Unfortunately, I can't be sure, because nothing makes sense and the agony of it all makes me want to revert back to my old ways – crying and throwing things around. I'm not going to do that again, but I'm tempted.

I got up off the bed and began to pace; I couldn't be still. I thought about what had happened the last time I had felt this way, in a pathetic attempt to figure out what was going on in my head, and what I arrived at made me stop short. The last time I had felt like this was when I had been in love with Remus.

I was not in love with James. I was not, I could not be, I refused to be. No, out of the question. Not now. Not here. Not James. It couldn't be; it just couldn't be. It was as simple as that.

Now, purely for hypothetical purposes, I'm going to examine why, if I was in love with James (which I'm NOT!), why we couldn't be together.

He was a jerk. I didn't hang around with jerks, no matter what. End of story.

He was a jock. Jocks don't hang around with academic-type people like me.

I had a reputation to protect; if I'm supposed to hate the Marauders, I can not fall in love with and consequently hang around with one of them.

I wasn't even that desirable – I had a lot of weight still to lose, and I was a bitch a lot of the time. No one wants to hang around with a fat bitch.

The last time I had fallen in love and admitted it, the boy said no. The last time I tried to trust someone, I ended up in a room with a guy on top of me trying to get into my shirt. Nope; past experience tells me to stay clear of guys, no matter how you feel – they will break your heart. Guaranteed.

I was stubborn. I would try to get my way all the time, and he would get tired of me, which would lead to him leaving me. Not good.

I'm quite boring, as Kyleigh has told me on many an occasion – going along with number six, he would get tired of me and leave me. If I let my guard down and let him take the best of me, I couldn't bear that.

His second in command hated me, I had had a bit of a brush with his third in command, and I hated his fourth in command. My best friend had a crush on James as well; even though she would graciously move aside to let me have him, I would have her on my conscience. Not a good start.

Those are some really, really good reasons to not be with James, even if I did love him, which I didn't. So, as you can see, we are just not meant to be. End of story. Good bye. Finished. Nothing else. No sequels, no prequels, no fairytale ending – just done. So why did that bother me so much?

I was near tears again because I was so inexplicably unhappy with my conclusion. I had ended any thoughts of James I might have had, but that was distressing me. Why in the name of Merlin was that distressing me? It should make me happy. It should have me dancing around the room saying, "Yes! I was right!" But it wasn't; it was eating me up inside. Some part of me just wouldn't accept what I was trying to set down for myself. You knew that there was something wrong with you if you could feel yourself arguing with your own wishes.

You know, when I felt like this at home, I would sit with my mother in the backyard, where we had this big swing. She would sit with me, and I would lie down with my head on her lap. She would stroke my hair, I would cry hysterically, half of the things I tried to tell her not making any sense at all, and she would just listen. After a few minutes, I would calm down and we would have a rational conversation. Then we would go inside, and my mum would give me lemonade to sip on. I would ask to go back outside, and we did; I drank my lemonade, and she rubbed my back. I felt like a baby, but I was hurt; I wanted my mother. When everything came down to it, she was my mother – my center, my sanctuary, my superhero when I needed her – and I would need her forever, no matter what anyone said. I wanted my mother then, in my too-small dormitory, to sit with me and tell me things would get better in the morning. Any old person could tell me that whenever they wanted, but it was only when my mother said it that I believed it.

I may be a sixteen, nearly of adult age, but that didn't mean that I didn't need my mother.

I was cuddled into bed when the bell to go to the next class rang. I ignored it; I wasn't going anywhere. I was in no condition to go to class. Leila would never understand why when she came back to question me, but it didn't matter; I wanted to be in my room. I hugged my pillow tightly, as though it would somehow make everything better, and I wished that I could find peace. I didn't want whatever I was feeling; I wanted the serenity of my backyard, and I wanted my mother. If I had those two things, I would be all right.

As I write these lines, the day is almost over. The sun is setting, and the atmosphere looks heavy; I think it'll rain. I like rain – it's cleansing – so I'm glad. James won't be; James lives to play Quidditch, and Quidditch cannot be played in the rain. I will sit in the common room and I will watch the rain when it starts, and I will think about this more while craving simplicity and innocence. I will sneak down to the kitchens, and I will ask for a glass of lemonade, which I will drink while watching the rain. Maybe Leila will join me; I don't know. But if she does, we will be silent. Silence is something I could use some more of.

More silence and less James Potter would probably do me a world of good. Too bad I can't have either.

**James**

February 4th

Dear Diary,

Since Remus feels that I've been neglecting my diary (which I haven't), I'm stuck writing again, and this time, I don't even know what to write about.

Joyous, isn't it?

It is.

But anyhow, I suppose I can write a little bit about the latest rumor in the rumor mill – me and Lily. Since her birthday, people have begun to think about us as a couple. Lily, of course, is not at all happy about that, but I'm all right. It doesn't bother me at all, which is why I have nothing to say.

But see, that's the thing – people have always known that I love Lily Evans more than is healthy at my age, and with that, they have also known that Lily Evans hates me more than is healthy. It's always been an amusing sort of soap opera – the lovesick boy trying to win over his golden lady's heart through the slightly-too-unfortunate circumstances. Those are interesting, and they always work out – that's the main difference between the relationship Lily and I have. For five long years, we have had no breakthrough; Lily has never done anything to say that we're in love. Soap operas have mercy on your nerves and give you a breakthrough once in a while. But, as I said, Lily doesn't cut me a break. She's rather cruel that way, but I still love her anyway. Rational, aren't I? It's refreshing, I know.

I don't know what to make of it all. The way I've heard our case stated sometimes, Lily does love me to the ends of the earth. I wish I could believe she did. I have been known to trick myself into trusting the notion. I don't do that anymore though – it just makes things hurt more when she slaps me across the face (figuratively, of course) but when I put myself in that delusion, I feel like I'm in a utopia. After all, a world is only ever perfect to me if Lily Evans is a dominant part of it, since she quite literally _is_ my world. It's crazy, but it's true – that's simply how things are with me.

Sirius thinks it's funny that we're rumored to be in love, but he's one of few who think that way – most are intrigued, curious, and/or ravenous for gossip. He says that having us get together would be like putting him, Sirius, into a learning camp – it was simply impossible and laughable if it happened. I objected strongly to it, especially when he said that I would be him, and Lily would be the boring camp; I knew from experience that Lily Evans was anything but boring.

Remus thought differently, of course; Remus felt that we should stay out of her business. He said that if Lily liked me, it was fine, but we shouldn't try to influence the decision – Lily could only ever fall for me if I left her alone to think about it. He also said it was rude to constantly gossip about her private, tender thoughts. To that, Sirius blew a loud raspberry and continued to speculate the possibilities. I was very amused, of course; my friends were so opposite, I often wondered how we all got along without exploding.

Peter…Peter had little opinion. He was least interested in the ways of Lily Evans, and if I asked him what he thought about her loving me, he said, "If it works, great. If not, whatever." I kept asking, and eventually he said, "James, if she makes you happy, then go for her. If she doesn't want you, then don't bother her – she's not right for you."

Peter isn't bright at all, but he had a point – if she didn't like me, she probably wasn't right. But at the same time, she might secretly like me, which brought us back to square one.

Lovely. Absolutely lovely.

But, for now, everything is in its early stages; I'll write about anything else that comes up later, but I have a feeling it won't; people won't care unless there's a witness to a snogging. I don't care about any of that though – at the moment, Sirius and I have a bit of filching to do in the kitchen, since we're hungry and need something to do that isn't homework. Remus also reckons that we have a full moon coming – we have planning that has to be done.

So…I guess I'm done then – yup, I am. Remus will be satisfied with my progress, and that's all that's keeping me writing. I'll document anything else worth mentioning later.

_A/N: I had NOTHING to say about James. I thought about it for a lot longer than you would know, but I couldn't make him care about the rumors. He just doesn't get annoyed by that sort of stuff, so I guess that's another contrast between James and Lily that is kind of fun to see, but other than that, I'm done too. James will have more to say next time – promise! So yeah…review please. :P_


	33. Brainwaves and Complications

_A/N: This chapter and the next are, in my opinion, two of the best chapters in the story. They start to set the rest of the story off, and I just like the way they were written, for once. :) As for getting Lily and James together – come on, guys, if I did it too soon, it would ruin the story! It would lose believability, since love happens kind of slowly (especially if you're Lily) and I've got a lovely little scheme planned out for that, as well as plenty more build up. If you really, really want a more definite answer, they'll get together around Chapter 50. Don't worry! I know what I'm doing. Sit tight and keep reading if you really want to know how this is going to work out; there is so much the story hasn't covered yet. But anyhow – here's the chapter!_

_Side note: For extra fun, go to YouTube and look up either If I'm Not In Love With You, by Faith Hill, or Fallin' For You, by Eva Avila, while reading Lily's entry. Those songs helped more than I could possibly even say for this entry._

**Lily**

February 10th

Dear Diary,

There is something seriously, seriously wrong with me.

There has to be – I'm thinking about James Potter more than I ever have before.

I don't even understand it; I see him, and my stomach turns. He smiles at me, and I can't breathe. He talks to me, and my tongue turns into mush. He leaves the room, and he's still on my mind. It's like he's stalking me, but I know he can't be – no one can stalk me through my own head.

Its torture, this business, whatever it is called. I don't know if I hate him anymore, which can't be a good sign. I think about him all the time – that bracelet from Christmas feels so much heavier these days than it ever did before. Everything about him intrigues me – I long to know all there possibly can be to know. He has somehow managed to become the center of my attention, the first person I look at in a crowd. What is this feeling? What am I going through? Is this normal? Is this healthy?

I've thought a great deal about this matter lately, and I have come to the grudging conclusion that I _may_ possibly be in love.

Yes, me. In love. With James Potter. I couldn't believe it, but what else could it be? Why else is he always on my mind? It can't be anything but love; however, there are a few things wrong with me being in love. Allow me to list them.

I am not going through the pain of heartbreak again. Never. If that means I'm going to live a lonely, seemingly endless existence because of that resolution, then I will – I'm not going to love again.

1) I'm far too imperfect for him. Too emotional. Too fat. Too crazy. Too screwed up, in short. Who would want someone like me?  
2) I have a reputation that I'd like to keep – how bad would it look if I went back on my biggest belief?  
3) Come on. Me and James? Not going to happen.  
4) I HATE HIM. What part of that does my brain not understand?

Okay, so my reasons aren't high in number, but they amount to so much more than they seem to. I mean, it's agony, going through all of this and not even knowing where it's going to lead me. It hurts more than what happened with Remus because this was completely unexpected; I had never realized that I was falling in love with James, but I had known the whole time when I was falling in love with Remus. I'm not even sure if I only transferred my feelings for Remus onto James out of simple necessity, but whatever the reasoning is, I may love James. I'm not going to say that I love him straight-out, because I still don't know, however, there is the distinct possibility it's true. That provides no comfort for me.

I sighed, trying in vain to soothe my aching head, and I decided to try an experiment. I pulled out two pieces of parchment – one black and one white – from under my bed, as well as my quill and wand. On each paper, I wrote the same sentence – I hate James Potter. I flicked my wand once and the papers began to combine instantly, meshing into a highly unattractive gray. The words became rather garbled – I saw remnants of the words 'hate' and 'James Potter' but they were mixed with much more. Complications; they were complications of what was supposed to be a very simple message.

I sighed once more, morose, as I cleaned up the remains of my little exercise, feeling horrible for myself. I had just created a fair representation of my emotional turmoil, and I was quite aware of that. Why couldn't hating him be as easy as it used to be a couple of years ago? Why do I have to be a victim to these idiotic complications? Even worse, why did the complications have to be a 'crush' on him? I feel _very _cursed at the moment – is it any mystery why?

Let me review how this is _supposed_ to work – boy likes girl, girl hates boy, boy _loves_ girl, girl still hates boy, boy gets over it, girl _still_ hates boy, boy meets girl two and movies to South America, girl gets over that, falls in love with boy two, and they all live happily ever after. Nowhere in that story does it say 'girl falls in love with boy.' Therefore, I am forced to conclude that I'm a screwed up freak and I don't follow the rules. That really can't be right though – I almost always followed the rules before James Potter tainted my head.

I've tried everything, diary, but I still just can't figure it out – I've had two attempts at finding the prince to take me to my fairytale ending, but neither was right. Now it's as if the evil nemesis that's supposed to be stopping me has come out and told me that he loves me, and is trying to be the one who takes me away to prove it. The story is twisting into something unfamiliar, even though it should be a straightforward plot, and that's part of the reason I feel so lost – I don't know the ending to that fairytale. I'm making it up as I go, but nothing I think of fits.

All I can say now is that the real prince better stop hiding – he needs to find me before I go more than legally insane.

**James**

February 10th

Dear Diary,

Tonight, we had another midnight escapade, and we got the most brilliant idea on the planet.

See, while we were outside this evening, as animals, someone was nearby. Peter sneaked up closer, since he was a rat, and he reported that it was Professor McGonagall. Sirius gave a bark that would have probably been a swear-word if he had been human, and we hid out behind the trees. Sirius made sure to stay in front of Remus the whole time, so that he wouldn't be tempted to go and bite McGonagall – we would get huge detentions if we did that, and Sirius and I are in enough trouble as it was. Peter told us when she was gone, but we quickly found out that she was guarding the entrance we usually used to get back into the castle. We knew Peter could get in easily, but Sirius and I would have a harder time than that – what could we do?

We led Remus back to the Shrieking Shack and left him in there for the night, like we always did, and we began to search for a way in. We knew secret passages all around the school, but which could we use? To make an extremely long story short, we spent a terrifying hour outside avoiding McGonagall, fled to Hogsmeade to let loose our overflowing energy, and got through the secret passage in Honeydukes. Once in the school, we had to do the whole exercise again – skirting around the patrolling professors, the prefects (my heart skipped a beat when I saw sweet, innocent little Lily pacing the corridors mere feet from where I was), and the Heads – until we got to our common room. Peter was already there, lounging around and waiting.

"There you two are," he said. "How'd it go?"

"Awesome," Sirius managed to say through his heavy breaths, clutching his side. "We had such a blast."

"We did," I added in agreement.

"Shouldn't you have taken the Invisibility Cloak?" Peter asked. "That may have made things easier."

Sirius and I exchanged looks; we had forgotten about the cloak. Then I said, "Silly Peter, that would have made it much easier – we like a challenge. We'll take it the next time."

"Duh," Sirius tried inserting helpfully.

Peter and I gave Sirius an amused, but very doubtful sort of look, and he rolled his eyes at us.

"The point of the matter is that we're back," he said impatiently. "And I have an idea."

"You do?" I asked, pretending to sound shocked. "Sirius, I'm so proud of you! What's your idea?"

Sirius smirked at me. "I'm not _that_ stupid. But my idea was that we should make a map."

"Why would we do that?" Peter queried. "More work in addition to our homework? No thanks; I'm barely passing."

"No, like a map of the school – with the secret passages," Sirius insisted. "It would be amazing! We could document all of our tricks and shortcuts, and when we're on midnight adventures, we can have it as a reference!"

"That's really not half bad," I said, nodding slowly as I considered it. "I think we could do it."

"How?" Peter asked skeptically. "When?"

"At night," I said. "And Remus would know how – he's the smartest out of us four. We could make it together using our nicknames – Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. No one knows what those really mean."

"Yeah!" Sirius high-fived me. "This should be the coolest thing Hogwarts has ever seen."

"We're not showing anyone," I said flatly. "This is for _our_ usage; could you imagine what Snivelly could do with something like that?"

"True," Sirius said. "What do you think, Pete? The deciding voter, you are."

Peter thought for a moment and then said, "I think it should just be our thing. James is right – people could do bad things with it if they found it."

"Yeah!" I high-fived Peter then, to which he beamed, and turned back to Sirius. "So are we going to do this?"

"Hell yeah we are!" Sirius punched the air with his fist, and made a noise very similar to his victory bark. "The Marauder's Map, we should call it."

"Brilliant!" I exclaimed. "Pads, you're on brainwaves tonight."

"This should be awesome," Peter chirped contentedly.

"It should," I agreed heartily. "But we're going to need Moony – we'll tell him when he recovers from FLP."

"FLP?" Peter wrinkled his nose in confusion.

"Furry Little Problem, you moron," Sirius said, conking his head. "Get with it."

"Sorry," Peter mumbled.

"Anyway," I said, deliberately changing the subject. "I'd say we get to bed – we'll need to have some sanity for tomorrow, when we can discuss the map some more. We also have to think of a way to tell Moony – somehow, I don't know if he'll approve of this."

"Good point," Sirius said with a yawn. "Good night, boys." He stretched and began to make his way up to the dormitory, and Peter and I followed. We got to bed, fully dressed so that we wouldn't have to bother with changing in the morning, and while Peter and Sirius went to sleep at once, I took out this book to write down the greatest day in Marauder history – the birth of the idea of our finest invention for magical mischief yet. I think that it merits an entry.

So I need to sleep, because like I had told my friends, I needed some sense for the morning, but as of right now, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs are officially in business.

_A/N: Woo hoo! I'd been waiting to write that chapter longer than you would guess. Don't forget to review – reviews are my drugs, and the more of my drug I get, the faster I write, so consequently, the faster I update. :P Come on, click the button!!! Oh gosh, I sound like such a hyperactive spazz. I'm sorry, I was up all morning writing, and that makes me hyper. Just review._


	34. The Weirdest Valentine's Day

_A/N: Okay, this is my personal favorite chapter out of the entire story. I liked the last one as well, but it comes in second – this is my favorite. ;D See, I wrote this one in the very early planning stages, back when I had no idea where this story was going, and I knew I absolutely had to use this. So the first draft was done, and I was happy with it. Then, as the full plot line became defined, I realized that there would need to be some heavy editing. But, after all that, I still love this chapter. :P So here you go – read on and enjoy!_

_Songs to listen to with this chapter:_

_Lily – Open Your Eyes (LMNT) or This Time (Vanessa Carlton – only on YouTube) or Pretty Baby (Vanessa Carlton) or Breathe (Michelle Branch)_

_James – The Little Things (Colbie Caillat), Just the Girl (Click 5), or Hey Juliet (LMNT)_

**Lily**

February 14th

Dear Diary,

I've been so preoccupied lately that I completely forgot that today was Valentine's Day. There is, of course, a reason why I prefer to forget about this holiday – I absolutely _despise_ it.

What's the point of it, anyway? From what I've seen, all you do is go around bothering people, and giving them dusty candy and cheap flowers they only pretend to like. Girls usually shriek annoyingly all day, wear an unhealthy amount of pink, and flirt outrageously. Guys usually take advantage of that. Is that _any_ reason to celebrate? Not particularly.

So today, when I went down to the Great Hall with Leila (who, unlike me, loves Valentine's Day and was chattering away about how wonderful it was), I had no expectations for the day. I was not going to get any boys trailing after me like in those cheesy romance novels. I was not going to get any presents because it wasn't a major holiday. I was not going to do anything worth writing about – that's what I had thought when I walked into the Great Hall this morning.

How wrong I was.

When I sat down with Leila, she began to eat, babbling about how she wanted to tell James that she loved him. I was barely listening; I simply nodded and said "Yes, of course" whenever she needed me to. That was one of the best things about Leila – you never had to pay close attention because she was never really talking to you; she was talking in general to calm her nerves. I rested my head on my hands, glum because I was bored, and I waited for Leila to finish her rant.

At last, she did, and she said, "I wrote a love letter to James that I'm going to give him today. Can you read it through?" She was breathless; vaguely, I was annoyed because of the effect he seemed to have on my best friend, but I forced a smile to my face.

"Sure." I reluctantly took the paper from her trembling hand, and read it through. When I was done, I handed it back to her; she had that expectant look on her face, but I gave her a noncommittal shrug.

"I suppose it's all right," I said. "But you signed it anonymously – shouldn't you have your name on it, so that he can actually find you and ask you out like you wanted?"

"No!" she objected. "It's so embarrassing! Let him figure it out. He can, too, because he's so damn clever…"

I rolled my eyes. "James Potter is the most arrogant ignoramus I've ever laid my eyes on; what do you _see_ in him? For years, I have looked and found nothing of consequence?" I must admit though; what I was saying was an utter falsehood. I only said it because I knew that was what she wanted to hear me say, and it was just a habit – it would be hard to break, but it was still a habit. However, it did what it needed to do – it put Leila on avid rant mode.

"He's so incredibly good-looking," she gushed. "And he's talented, smart, hilarious, sensitive, sweet, and absolutely perfect. What do _you _see?"

What _did_ I see? Well, maybe a watered-down version of what she saw, but I wasn't about to tell her that; instead, I lied through my teeth. "I see a vain, pig-headed, desperate, idiotic, cruel, and aggravating jerk," I said, hoping I sounded as strong as I normally did when I went on about how much I loathed him. "He thinks the world of himself, he's desperate to find a girl, he is a first-class idiot, he's so vindictive if he decides he doesn't like you, and he aggravates the living hell out of me." Had I really been able to talk about him like that with ease before? How strange. No, no, no!!! It's normal!!! What's wrong with me?!?!

"Oh, Lily," Leila sighed. "He thinks that you are the most incredible thing that's ever waltzed into his life; he told me to tell you that today. He also wishes you a happy Valentine's Day."

Though I was flattered (and rather pleased), I said sardonically, "How thoughtful; he even had his sentiment passed on by you rather than telling me himself."

"He had to get a special Valentine's Day gift for you; he didn't have time to tell you right now," Leila explained.

I rolled my eyes again. "Like I haven't heard that excuse before. Does he think I was born yesterday or something?"

Before Leila could answer though, we heard a huge, explosive noise behind us. We turned around to see James himself, riding in from the Entrance Hall on a huge cloud. It was a light, pastel pink, and had lots of mini fireworks exploding off the sides; it was the single most obnoxious thing I had ever seen in my life, regardless of the person sitting on it. Then, to my intense horror, he stopped the cloud right next to Leila and me, beaming. Leila squealed delightedly, but I was still frozen with repulsion.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Lily," he said cheerfully. "Hop on and I can give you a ride to each class all day."

I was sorely tempted to get on with him and whiz off, but at the same time, I had a reputation to think about and the cloud was beyond atrocious. I had to pick a course of action – and fast – so I picked the latter of the two options by asking, "Is this supposed to _thrill_ me?"

"Well, yes," he said, smile fading ever so slightly. "I wanted to give you something different for Valentine's Day this year, rather than trying to kiss you like I usually do."

He did try to kiss me every year! Damn, why did he have to pick _this_ year to be different? But I sighed, and I told him, "I appreciate the effort, but I wouldn't ride with you on that thing for a day even if you paid me fifty Galleons." I sort of liked him, but not enough to ride with him on something so hideous.

As if to try saving the situation, Leila came in front of me to block me from view unsuccessfully. "I'll come with you, James," she piped up, blushing.

"Are you sure it's a no then, Lily?" James asked, completely ignoring Leila as he looked over her shoulder to give me his pleading stare.

"Yes, of course I'm sure," I said, even though I wasn't. "Go take some other girl on your Valentine's Day ride from hell; I'm not going." Was it just me or did I sound really bitter?

James sighed, but rode off to locate Regina. I watched him give her a mock bow as he sat her down on the spot he had wanted me to fill, and something bubbled up in the pit of my stomach – something that frightened the crap out of me.

It was fiery; I couldn't understand why I wanted to rip Regina apart at that moment, other than the obvious reasons. She kissed him on the cheek, and then on his lips, and I thought I'd go deranged with anger. But then I stopped myself; why did _I_ care? He was a pain in the arse that I faintly liked – he had left, and I should have been happy; so why wasn't I? I would only feel that way if I was in love with him, which I wasn't. It was utterly confusing, and not for the first time, my head began to hurt – I thought too much, but when I thought too little, I didn't like what I came up with.

Preoccupied with my overwrought brain, I followed Leila to History of Magic without eating anything. James zoomed by on his cloud with that vile Regina on his back, literally hanging on his neck, and both of them were laughing. I wanted to cry; it bothered me so incredibly much, even though it shouldn't matter at all. I almost wanted to cry out of shame; what was going on in my head was beyond all rationality, and I felt like a freak for housing those thoughts.

I wasn't the only one annoyed with Regina though – when Leila saw the two of them together, she called Regina a name I won't even write down. "Why can't she get her filthy claws off of him?" she asked me angrily. "She's about as sweet as a vampire and about as gentle as one too."

"I know," I said. "I don't know what he sees in her." I honestly didn't – she was the biggest bitch in England, and James had to pick _her_.

"I hate her," Leila proclaimed. "I bet she doesn't even like James; she's just trying to take him away from the people who truly love him, since she likes to mess with people's heads."

She was doing a good job on mine then; that was for sure. "I guess," I said, at a loss for any other response.

"I guess!" she exploded. "How can that be all you want to say?! She's a right bitch – a shitty, arsehole bitch – and you can just say 'I guess'?!"

I shrugged. "You know what I think – I'm just tired. I hardly slept last night." That was true – I'd had a lot of homework to catch up with, since I was being so flippant about finishing it before.

"Oh, okay," she said. "But you should have gone with James; he would have liked it."

"Of course he would have," I said. "But I wasn't sure about how I would feel, which is why I didn't go."

"Take a chance, live a dream," she suggested dreamily.

"No and never," I answered.

Leila smacked my shoulder playfully. "Silly girl! Come on, it's Valentine's Day. Flirt a bit. Let your hair down. Laugh. Love. Live." She even made to open my hair from its usual ponytail, but I didn't let her.

"No way," I said. "I'm not flirting. I'm done with guys; they're not worth my trouble."

"So you're saying if Remus tried to kiss you today, you wouldn't let him?" she asked me skeptically.

"No," I said. "I said I'm done flirting _myself_ – if _they_ flirt with _me_, then it's a different story. But Remus wouldn't kiss me – we're done."

"Oh yeah," she said. "It's not like you could tell him to kiss you, is it?"

Suddenly, however, I was hit with a brainwave; I had four coupons sitting upstairs on my dresser that could make those four boys do anything I wanted! I would kiss Remus with one of them as a Valentine's Day present for myself. Yes, yes, yes; excellent!

"Actually, I can, Leils," I said happily. "I have four coupons from James that he gave me on my birthday – I can make them do any one thing I want, kissing including."

"Fantastic!" Leila high-fived me, pleased on my behalf. "Go get him, Lils."

"I shall." Satisfied, I tore up to my dormitory as fast as my legs would let me go. Strangely though, my legs were almost spindly; it was harder to hold myself with them. Yet it couldn't be right – my legs were fatter than ever. Whatever. I needed my coupons; not to worry about my legs.

There they were – sitting on my dresser, waiting for me. I took them eagerly, hugging them to my chest. I could have Remus for just a few seconds – maybe minutes –and that made them gold in my book. The paper smelled amazingly sweet; I adored the scent. I held the coupons to my nose, inhaling the aroma – I could never have enough of it. When it was away from my nose, I craved it. When it was there, it was better than any perfume that could be manufactured. I'd have to find out who/what had this scent.

I bounded down the stairs and into the corridor, eager to find Remus (who was finally over his mysterious illness), but instead, I bumped into Severus Snape. "I'm sorry," I said, rushed and breathless. "I didn't see you."

"It's okay – I was looking for you anyway," he said. Then he handed me a single white lily, blushing a slight pink, and told me, "There is the lily and the rose in her fair face striving for precedence; the lily shall always win, in my book."

I smiled awkwardly as I accepted his flower. "Thank you, Severus."

He smiled lightly. "No problem. Happy Valentine's Day, Lil."

I smiled back at him and watched him go while stroking the flower he gave me; it was quite pretty, and though it was from Snape, who made me nervous sometimes, I liked it very much. I doubled back to my dormitory to put it away, but I went straight back down the corridor to find Remus; he would be on his way out of the Great Hall by that time. And, sure enough, there he was, looking bemused like he always did in the morning.

"Remus, can I have a word?" I asked.

He nodded, seemingly glad to see me. "Of course."

We walked together to the common room, which was empty, and we sat on the sofa. I took a deep breath and looked at him, and he simply looked back.

"Happy Valentine's Day," I said lamely.

"Same to you," he said. "I have something for you – I was going to give it to you during lunch."

I hadn't been expecting that. "Really? You shouldn't have."

"I wanted to." Remus smiled at me and gave me a small box of Valentine's Day chocolates from Honeydukes. "It's cliché, I know, but I didn't know what else to give you."

"Let me tell you what I want," I said, holding out one of my coupons. "Remus, I want you to kiss me, and you have to do it, because James gave me no limitations on these coupons."

Remus turned quite pink. "Lils, I don't know…"

"It's my birthday and Valentine's Day present," I pressed. "You can't say no. Just one kiss; that's all I want. I won't ever do this to you again."

His gray eyes grew rather misty. "Lily, I don't think that's possible."

"Why not?" I asked. "Tell me why not. I'm not going to burst into tears on you again; I can handle it."

He sighed heavily and said, "James wouldn't like it."

"James gave me these coupons himself, and if he didn't want me to kiss you, he would have kept that as a limitation," I said. "He obviously doesn't care."

"It's not just that, it's…" his voice trailed off as he tried to phrase his thoughts correctly. "Lily, we're not right for each other."

"I don't care," I said stubbornly. I thrust the coupon into his hands, and I looked into his eyes – those told me so much more than his words did. They told me that he wanted it just as much as I did, which was exactly what I wanted to know. Inspired, I very gently pressed my lips against his, committing every moment to my memory. But he surprised me; he kissed me back, but much harder than I had expected. I didn't care; I wanted him, and whatever he gave me, I would take.

Before, we had stopped ourselves from going too far because we were too confused about the other to do what we wanted. This time was not the same way – this time, we went as far as we needed to. For the first time, Remus's hands were purposefully on my waist, and my arms were around his neck; it felt nicer than anything I had ever felt. We kissed for what felt like an eternity (an eternity I didn't mind living out) before he pulled away from me, and looked me in the eye. I didn't back down like I would have before – I looked right back.

"I think I'm ready to just be your friend now," I said, smiling slightly.

"Thank you," he said. "Happy birthday, and happy Valentine's Day, as well."

"You're welcome," I answered. "And thank you for both the kiss and the chocolate."

His smile was big and sincere. "No problem."

I gave a small giggle. "I'm never, ever going to get over you."

He shrugged. "It's okay. But no matter what, we're never going to be more than this, all right?"

"I know, I know," I said. "I still think you're being ridiculous, but you know better than I do. Just take a chance one day, Remus; you're a lovely person, and I know that there's a girl out there for you."

"Trust me, there isn't," he muttered.

"There is," I insisted. "You may tell her what you're telling me right now – that you're not right and whatever – but I want you to please marry her away because you know you love her, whoever she may be. Even if she's related to Sirius, which, of course, would dock points, especially in my book. Can you do that? For me?"

Remus sighed, but there was a small grin on his face. "I can try, Lily."

"That's all I ask." I smiled at him, and I left the common room, feeling cleansed. I hadn't fallen apart. I was all right – better than ever. I had kissed the boy I used to love, and I made him promise to please get his head together and get married when he knew the time was right. He gave me chocolate, which I liked. But most of all, I felt like he had set me free. The weight that had been holding me to the ground had mysteriously vanished, and I felt like I could float away and fly. I was over him at last, and I could move on with my life. No more wallowing, no more hiding; I was going to live with my arms wide open, embracing life and whatever came to me next. I wasn't perfectly healed, but I had taken the pieces that he had broken earlier and I had rearranged them in a different way – a less frail way. I was all right. I was going to be fine.

I found Leila, and together, we began to babble about something or another – I don't even remember what it was, because it wasn't important. I was strangely fond of everyone – especially Leila, who managed to stick things out with me – and silly girlish banter felt just right, when other times, it was just annoying. Life had never been better.

I saw James and Regina again later, but this time, it didn't bother me. This time, I simply surveyed them with a smile on my face, and then turned back to Leila to finish what I was saying, or finish listening to what she had been telling me. We were all right by ourselves; we didn't need to think about James.

But just because we didn't _need_ to think about James, doesn't mean that we didn't think about him anyway.

When I was this liberated – when the world was this crystal clear – everything was beautiful, but James was more beautiful in my eyes. He seemed to sparkle, and his face haunted my thoughts throughout the day. I couldn't get rid of him. Since he was away from me and not trying to flirt, I felt unusually fond of him. My head began to come back down to earth, and I began to worry; was I in love with him? Was that why he seemed to occupy my mind the way he was?

After I was done with everything for the day, I went to my dormitory; I had to think. Leila was off to flirt with James, like the rest of the girls were, which gave me some alone time. I lay on my bed, closed my eyes, and allowed my mind to wander. It went to James, of course. My heart pounded harder than it normally did, and my stomach was so twisted, I was afraid of vomiting. There had to be something wrong.

Since I couldn't think of anything else, I tried out Leila's theory of loving James. What was my definition of love?

That was easy – adoring someone.

Did I adore James?

Yes. Yes, I did. I discovered that I did.

What else came with love?

Thinking about him, of course.

Did I think about James?

Hell yes, I did. More than I should.

Hmm…love to me was also wanting to be with him all the time.

Did I want to be with James all the time?

True, honest answer. 'Come on, Lily,' I tried to coax myself. 'Just answer the question.'

I sighed and I realized that yes, I did want to be with him all the time.

All of my expectations had been agreed with. Everything I had associated with love through the years had been answered in the form of James Potter.

Holy shit, this meant I was in love with James Potter.

I was breathless; so many emotions hit me as the truth began to process. I was in love. I was in love, I was in love, I was in love; I loved him so, so much. How long had I loved him? Oh, too long. Ever since I laid eyes on him, my stomach had misbehaved constantly. When he looked at me, when he talked to me, when he had touched me…if it had been anyone else, I would have seen the symptoms right away, but of course, it was me that was suffering – I would have a hard time seeing it, and an even harder time believing it. But it was true – I loved him.

Oh my goodness, I was in love with him. I just couldn't believe that.

I tried to regain my breathing; what would I do now? I knew that I loved him, but I wasn't sure what I would do about it. Would I tell him? No, no, no; I would never tell him right now. I might not tell him at all. I needed some time to get used to the idea that I was in love with _James_, the person I was supposed to hate more than anyone in the world, before I could tell anybody, even Leila.

None of this made any sense. I was supposed to hate him, like I said, but somehow, I can't hate him anymore. I feel something so much stronger, and now I've figured out that it's love. I guess I loved him so much subconsciously that I began to hate him for stealing my affections, and now, the reality has come out, leaving me exposed and raw. This is so screwed up, but so fantastic at the same time – I'm in love! I never thought the day would come, but here it is; Valentine's Day.

I have hit that pivotal, unavoidable fact at last diary; I do love him, just like everybody said. I can't write anymore though; I really can't. I need to go and bang my head against the wall a few hundred times and figure out why in the name of Merlin I'm officially in love with James Potter.

**James**

February 14th

Dear Diary,

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well, it wasn't as happy for me (guess why), but somehow, it was still a very interesting day. Any day where I talk to the unpredictable Lily Evans is an interesting day for me, really, but let me just write everything down, and maybe it will show how moody Miss Evans truly is.

This morning though, when I woke up (early – at seven), Sirius was putting gel in his hair – something he usually didn't do. I approached him cautiously, unsure of how to feel about such an action.

"Padfoot, why are you putting that crap on your head?" I inquired.

"Because it's Valentine's Day," Sirius told me. "I needed a present for Kyleigh, but I didn't know what to get her; so I decided on a night in bed."

"What does that have to with your hair?" I asked, very close to laughter.

"I have to look sexy to get her in the mood, don't I, Prongsie?" Sirius snorted and smacked the side of my head. "Get with it."

"I see," I said, smirking. "But speaking of Valentine's Day presents, I need to run; might have reached the Entrance Hall already."

"What is it?" Sirius looked interestedly up at me from beneath his overhanging hair.

"It's this little cloud," I explained. "Built for two; I want to take Lily on it all day."

Sirius snorted again and continued with his gel. "Mate, you're dreaming – you'd be better off taking Master Bitch with you instead."

"I'll end up doing that anyway, I reckon, but I still need to try asking Lily," I said. "I think I'm close to making her fall in love with me, Pads."

"Oh yes; as close as Snivelly is to a bar of soap," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"Stop it," I said crossly. "I really think I'm getting to a breakthrough here – finally."

"Of course you are, of course you are," Sirius said, grinning as he admired the effect of his hair in the mirror. I threw a small pillow at him before walking out of the room; I had a delivery to check on, and I did not need Sirius's negativity.

On my way out of the common room, however, I bumped into Leila. She giggled when she saw me, and said, "Happy Valentine's Day, James."

"Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Leila," I said hurriedly. I then got a sudden stroke of inspiration and requested, "Hey, can you tell Lily that she is the most incredible thing in the world, and Happy Valentine's Day for me? I may not see her; I have to pick up her present from the Entrance Hall – it should be here."

"Sure," she said, surprised at my rush. "I'll let her know."

"Thanks," I called out to her as I ran out to the Entrance Hall. When I got there, I found that I had been right – my cloud was there and waiting for me. I paid the owl that had brought it and took the box back to the dormitory. Sirius was gone – to eat an early breakfast, probably – so I began to operate the cloud in peace. It was about an hour before I had everything read to go, and I prepared myself in the Entrance Hall; this had to go just right, otherwise everything would be ruined.

With a deep breath, I rode into the Great Hall, making a great deal of noise as I came through. I went straight for Lily, who, of course was with Leila, utterly thunderstruck. It was quite entertaining; people clapped for me – several girls squealed – and the one I was doing it all for was looking at me as though I had amputated my arms off.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Lily!" I chirped. "C'mon; get on with me and I can take you around to every class." I really wanted – check that, _needed_ – her to say yes, but I knew from the look on her face that I would get no such luck.

"Is that supposed to _thrill_ me?" She sounded oddly forced, but pissed nonetheless – not good. I couldn't let my sorrow show though; I tried to hold my ground.

"Well, yes; I wanted to give you something different for Valentine's Day this year, and I chose this," I clarified. Even as I said this, I knew it was no use; Lily would never like what I did for her. It was a fact of life, but it hurt more than I could ever say each day, when it continued to hold true.

"I appreciate the effort, but I wouldn't ride with you on that thing for a day even if you paid me fifty Galleons," she continued, oblivious to the internal agony flooding through me. I tried my hardest not to let it show though – when it was nearly impossible, however, Leila stepped in, and I was almost grateful for it. That is, until she said, "I'll come with you, James."

Deciding that I would rather take the pain from Lily than the strangeness from Leila, I ignored her and nearly begged, "Are you sure it's a no then, Lily?"

"Yes, of course I'm sure," Lily said. "Go take some other girl on your Valentine's Day ride from hell; I'm not interested."

There it was – the heartbreak dish of the day, served with a dash of coolness, a delicate helping of nastiness, sprinkled with loathing, and mixed until frothy. Before she could see how I took this, I sighed and went off to Regina. She looked at me with delight when she saw me, her eyes alight.

"Happy Valentine's Day," I said in a falsely cheery voice.

"Oh Jamesie, you shouldn't have!" she squealed, throwing her arms up in the air with joy.

I gave her a fake bow and allowed her to sit with me, knowing, with a heavy heart, what I condemning myself to.

She kissed me twice – once on my cheek, once on my lips – and I wanted to explode with the horridness of it all, though I couldn't; people were watching. And, to my very great displeasure, people were watching all day; I had to put up with Regina for all of it. What a thrill.

"See James, you _are_ capable of being a good boyfriend," she told me later that afternoon, giving me a toothy smile. "And I did see you try to kiss up to that Evans girl in the morning; I'm going to take this opportunity to ask you nicely to give her up."

"Then I will take this opportunity to tell _you_ nicely that there's no way in hell I'm going to do that," I said amiably.

"You're _my_ boyfriend, James Potter – you will never be _hers_, so you might as swell get the illusion out of your head that you will be," Regina breathed, her tone icy. "You have everything set for you – popularity, brain, talent, looks, as well as a hot girlfriend – so why do you try to ruin it?"

What she was saying became the dessert to Lily's platter – the insult to the injury, if you will; her words cut me, but I went on smiling for the people around me.

"Gina, I don't give a damn about what you say," I said. "I love Lily Evans, and sooner or later, she will love me back." 'Please be sooner,' I found myself hoping.

"She won't," Regina whispered maliciously. "Lily hates you – always has and always will. Let her go."

We dropped the subject after that, even though I had no intention of letting Lily go. I let Regina ride with me for the remainder of the classes, dropped her off by the girl's dormitory, and joined Sirius, Peter, and Remus by the sofas in the common room.

"What a day," I said, collapsing on the chair by the fire.

"I know," Sirius said, tossing some chocolate roses at Peter and Remus. "I got so many of these roses, I have to split some with you guys." He gestured at Peter, who was gobbling them down like a wolf, and at Remus, who was nibbling sedately at one.

"Toss me a couple," I said, taking the few he threw at me. "Ugh, that Regina…how I hate her."

"Same," Sirius said, making a face. "Yuck; she's the one girl in our year I'd never date in our year. I could even stand Evans over her."

I ignored the slight about Lily, but said, "That's what I think too; I desperately want to throw her to the Giant Squid most days."

"Even the Giant Squid wouldn't be able to stomach her," said Peter, shuddering.

"Ha, yeah," said Sirius, laughing. But then he stared back at Peter, startled. "Wait, Peter was _right._"

"Yeah, so?" Peter looked rather offended.

"You're almost _never_ right," Sirius said in wonderment. "Wow! Had to happen some time, eh?"

Peter smirked. "I guess."

"You three," Remus interrupted disapprovingly, taking a bite of chocolate. "Not nice; not nice at all"

"Hey, you can't possibly stand up for her," I objected. "She's put me through hell today! It's horrid! And she won't even let me break it off, so I'm stuck." I took a sullen bit of chocolate to try to soothe my nerves.

"I suppose, but I am referring to the remarks themselves," Remus said. "Regina is a horrible girl, I agree, but I don't think you should say things like that."

"Stop being all goody-good two-shoes on us," Sirius complained. "It's so damn annoying."

"I hate Regina no matter what you say, Moony," Peter told him.

"And what has she done to you?" Remus inquired.

"Erm…well…she annoyed my friends," Peter stuttered.

Remus looked rather satisfied that he had been right, but Sirius stepped in. "Shut it, Moony; he's seen sense – why must you spoil it?"

He rolled his eyes, but turned to me. "How's Lily doing?" He sounded worried; I couldn't imagine why.

"She's sarcastic, and anti-Marauders, as always," I said gloomily. "What, did you expect anything different?"

"Is she still feeling all right?"

"I reckon so – why?" Remus never asked me questions like this so urgently; what had happened? "Oh, and speaking of Evans, I feel I must ask – did you make another move on her today even though you're supposedly done with her?"

"No," Remus snapped.

"It's not the full moon yet, Moony; save the bites until then," Sirius said, grinning.

"Sorry," Remus muttered.

"Ah, it's no big deal," I said, even though it was.

"Right, well, I have work to do – see you later." Remus grabbed his chocolate rose and walked upstairs a little too fast. Sirius exhaled irately, looking quite exasperated.

"That boy…he needs a life," Sirius announced.

"How do you plan to give him one?" asked Peter.

"I dunno – give me a few days," Sirius said.

"Oh no," I groaned, making a face as a few giggling girls came downstairs. "I have a feeling they left me Valentine's Day related crap upstairs – it happened last year too. I'm going to go see what they did."

"Bye Prongs," Peter called as I took the stairs four at a time. I ignored him and ran to my bed, where, sure enough, a pile of candy and cards awaited me. I sighed and sifted through them, keeping the good stuff and throwing away what I didn't want. Then, I took out this stupid book, and now here I am, writing about what had just happened.

There's nothing to say, really, nothing to think – Regina might have been right for the first time in her life. I don't know if Lily will ever fall in love with me. Her antics today proved it. I won't ever give up on her – it's much easier to keep going than give her up, as I've discovered earlier this year – but I'm just…discouraged. She's the only thing in the world I want, and it's not just because she's the only thing in that world I can't have – it's because she's _her._ She's Lily – she's the girl that I teased through first year, the girl I tried to kiss five hundred times, the girl I first fell in love with, and the girl who I plan to marry some day. She's beautiful, she's funny, she's clever, she's sarcastic; she's everything I've ever wanted in a girl. She's horrible and mean, yes, but she's just the girl I've looked for my whole life.

It sounds childish and rather desperate, but I want to know – will Lily Evans ever really love me?

_A/N: Now that you have read this chapter, you are obligated to review because LILY'S OFFICIALLY IN LOVE!! Woot! Now click the grey button and make my day, would you:)_

_Side note: Snape's remark on the lily and the rose is a slightly edited version of the quote from Nathaniel Parker Willis; I found it on brainyquote's website; I'd better give him credit for that. :P_


	35. A Random Act of Kindness

_A/N: Woot woot! Well, Lily has finally admitted her feelings to her diary, but she's not about to tell James about it any time soon. Like I said – Chapter 50 is the time when everything comes out. But in this chapter, we're going to sort out Lily's eating habits, mmkay? We will also have a couple of awkward moments, just because Lily's feeling pretty awkward at the moment. Haha. Enjoy!_

_Side note: Just the Girl, by Click 5, is, again, a good song to listen for while reading James's entry. As for Lily's, I'd recommend Miss Independent, by Kelly Clarkson – it works fairly well for Miss Evans. :P_

**Lily**

March 3rd

Dear Diary,

Last time I wrote, I said that I loved James Potter, but I was only partially positive about it.

Well, now I really am positive – I love him more than I've ever been able to love anyone, as Leila had so kindly predicted earlier in the year.

It all started today at breakfast; see, I was sitting with Leila, and she was trying to force-feed me again. No amount of whining, complaining, fidgeting, or pleading would waver her single-minded determination to stuff food into my systems, which was quite troubling for me.

"Eat, Lily," she growled while poking my lips with a fork.

I shook my head, not daring to open my mouth in case she took the opportunity to put the fork in.

"Now," she ordered.

I shook my head again.

She poked me once more.

This continued for five full minutes with neither of us giving way…

…At which point, Leila forcibly opened my mouth and put whatever was on it inside me. I nearly choked, but I managed to swallow while giving her the filthiest possible look. That got her inspired; somehow she got my entire breakfast into my mouth, and without a single bit of cooperation on my part. I had to hand it to her – she was very good at what she did. Still, I was better when it came to meal evasion; I excused myself to the bathroom, where I took my spot at the toilet. Oh how I hated doing this; I had to though, so I'd better just get over with.

I put my fingers in my throat, but then I began to cough violently; my stomach was really hurting. Still, I kept my fingers in the right spot, and right on cue, I began to vomit. It was different from before though; it _hurt_ to do it. I felt like I was going to fall over or something; it was so strange. But I had to do it; if I didn't, I was doomed to be fat, which was not good.

I heard a knock on the door, and a voice I couldn't recognize asked if I was okay. I didn't – couldn't – answer; I continued to throw up and cough violently. There was a click, and the door opened – I caught a quick whiff of that mouthwatering scent that had been on my coupons, and I heard someone scream. My brain was turning into mush, so I made it focus on what I was trying to do – throw up. I kept going, but I felt hands on my waist. They pulled me away from the toilet, and took me to the sink; there, they splashed water on my face while toweling me off. I heard the toilet flush, but my eyes were closed; I could feel myself losing consciousness, but I was clinging to it still, which was why I knew what was going on. Oh, that smell…I loved it. I inhaled it greedily, wishing I could keep some in a bottle and use it whenever I wanted.

"Lily, are you all right?" The voice seemed to come from a distance; I didn't even know who it was.

"Who are you?" I mumbled, my own voice faraway.

"It's James, Lil," the voice told me. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I don't know," I whispered. "Put me down. I can stand."

I could almost hear his skepticism in the silence.

"Honest," I said more insistently. "Take your hands off of me."

James obliged, and I felt the weight behind me lift. My legs didn't want to hold me; they gave up on me and I fell right to the ground. I liked it there – solid, easy to lie on. I don't remember what happened after that; my brain gave out on me too.

The next time my eyes opened, I found myself on the sofa in the Gryffindor common room; a pillow was under my head and a blanket was over my body. Confused, I tried to sit up, but found that I couldn't – my body just didn't want to move.

After a couple of minutes of me being disoriented, I saw James come out of the dormitory with a glass of water and a bar of chocolate. "Good; you're awake," he said.

"What am I doing here?" I asked, my expression perplexed.

"You're here rather than in the Hospital Wing, where you should be, because I figured you wouldn't like it in there," James clarified.

"I'm fine," I said. "Can I go?" Quite honestly, I was just touched that he had brought me upstairs – most would have shaken me awake and dragged me to the hospital.

"No," he said. "I might possibly start to consider it if you tried telling me what the hell you were trying to accomplish in that bathroom though."

I bit my lip. "I had to do it."

"Why?"

"I'm fat," I informed him. "Leila made me eat something, and I knew I couldn't eat anything if I wanted to be skinny, so I threw up."

His eyes bugged open in horror. "Have you done this before?"

"Yes," I admitted. "Several times."

"Lily Evans, for someone so smart, you are so incredibly stupid sometimes," he said with the faintest trace of a smile as he stroked my cheek. "That is _not_ the way to get skinny – it's only a way to destroy your body. As for being fat – you're stick-thin. If you lost more weight, you'd fade into nothing."

"My thighs are enormous," I told him.

"You have no thighs to speak of," he said back.

"I want to leave," I said.

"You're not," he said nonchalantly. "You're staying here with me for the rest of the evening."

"NO!" I hollered the word so loudly that I was afraid someone would come and ask me what I was shouting about. "I am NOT staying here for the day! I am leaving!"

"You can't," he said. "I let you stand and you passed out on me."

"I…I wasn't ready," I stuttered. "Just let me go!"

"Nope," he said. "You're staying here."

"I want to go back to class," I said. "I have work still to do and Leila will want an explanation."

"I'll get you excused from your work for today and I'll tell Leila that you're a little under the weather and you can come up with a better account while you're resting." James fixed my complaints with a single sentence, and gave me a highly amused grin afterwards.

"I don't want to be here," I complained. "I'm bored."

"That's what I'm here for," he said, beaming. "I'm here to entertain you. What do you want me to do?"

Though I could think of several things I wanted him to do, I didn't tell him any of it; instead, I just snapped, "I want you to get me to class so that I can prepare for my O. W. L.'s."

"Lily, you are skin and bone right now," he said gently. "You have to stay in bed and eat if you want to stay alive." He took my hand and squeezed it. "I'd like it if you were still alive." His eyes were so earnest; I was almost hypnotized. The scent of him was overwhelming as well – he smelled heavenly. I looked into his face, and I bit my lip once more.

"James, I don't want to be here," I repeated. "I don't care if I live or die – I want to be back in my own dormitory, and I want to go to class when it's time. I don't want to be some miserable, sick little girl who lies about all the time; I want to be kicking the arses of those who have undoubtedly heard about the incident in the bathroom and are making fun of me."

"I understand and admire that, but Lily, I want you to be okay," he said, still holding my hand. "If I hadn't found you today, what would have happened to you? Would you have stayed on the ground there until someone else came in and delivered you in here?"

"No," I said stoutly. "I was going to finish throwing up and then go to my dormitory to sleep. When I woke up, I'd either go to class or study in my room."

He smiled wryly. "You are far too dedicated to your work."

"If I want to do well, I have to be," I said. "Now can you please let me go?"

James considered this for a moment, but then said, "Lily, please – I'll carry you up to your bed in your dormitory, but I really need you to stay there for the night. I'm going to give you something to eat, and I want it finished when I check on you. Can you do that for me?"

I sighed, loving him yet hating him for caring so much about something so trivial. "I'm not a baby – I can take care of myself."

"Obviously not, seeing as I have to oversee your eating and pick you up from bathroom floors," he said with a grin. "Now come on, you – get out of the blankets, would you?"

"Thank you." I smiled at him, and tried to pull off my covers. Unfortunately, they would not let me out, and James laughed.

"See Lily? Your arms are little noodles; you can't even get your covers off," he teased as he pulled the blankets away and took me off the sofa.

"Shut up," I snapped, smiling nonetheless. "I don't have noodle arms; it's not my fault if you have freakishly huge ones that make mine looks small. Besides, you put six different layers on me – how was I supposed to get out of it?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said as he effortlessly slung me over his shoulder. "You are so light, Lily! I lift weights heavier than you."

"Nobody asked you to comment on my weight," I said. "Now can you please let me walk? I don't want to be carried." That was a lie – I loved every second of his carrying me. He was undoubtedly strong, and I just felt like I didn't have to try to hold myself up like I normally did – it was nice to have a break. It was even nicer when the person who gave it to you was James Potter.

"Stop complaining," he said playfully as he threw me onto my bed from halfway across the room. I shrieked as I landed on my mattress; I had never been manhandled that way!

"James! I am a _person_, not a rag doll!" I yelled at him, giggling.

"There's no difference, when it comes to you," he said, laughing as well. He began to walk over to my bed then, but he tripped over something, and he landed right on top of me. His face was, all of a sudden, right in mine, and his lips were millimeters away from mine. I could feel his breath on my face; normally, I would have screamed bloody murder and hexed him to absolutely nothing, but this time, I didn't breathe at all – I listened to him do it. My head went numb – he smelled so damn amazing, and I couldn't concentrate.

He didn't kiss me; he got off of me, blushed red, mumbled something about coming to bring me up a tray later, and left the room. I stared after him, trying to figure out what had happened. James had been closer to me than he had ever been before. He had carried me to my dormitory and threw me on my own bed. He had flirted, and inadvertently, I had flirted back. What did that mean? Did he know how I felt now? I hoped not; that would be terrible. I didn't want him to know about my latest, my most embarrassing revelation.

Right now, I'm lying in bed and I'm eating a breadstick – James had stolen some lunch for me from the kitchens. I've had a lovely day doing nothing so far, and I'm going to do it all afternoon as well – I should have tried this ages ago. James comes in to make sure I've eaten and am all right after every period, and I like that; he's been so sweet today. He was acting as though there was something seriously wrong with me, which there wasn't. Now that I'm taking the time to see it, James really is a lovely person. Maybe one day, I'll tell him that. All I know is that today is not that day, and neither is any day close to now. But never mind – I'm close, aren't I? That's an improvement.

So what now? Now I'm going to sleep until James comes in to check on me and lecture me for not finishing my breadstick; after that, I'm going to come up with a story for my absence that I can tell Leila, and I will catch up with my homework. Tomorrow, I'll be in class again, and I'm going to eat again – I've missed eating. I don't care if I'm fat anymore – it's not worth skipping my meals. Meals are yummy; I think I'd like more of them.

After all of _that_? Hmmm…maybe I'll write again to tell you how it all went.

**James**

March 3rd

Dear Diary,

Holy shit.

Today, I caught Lily Evans doing something that I never would have dreamed she was delusional enough to do – she was making herself throw up in the bathroom this morning.

Sounds weird? Well, it was weirder watching it.

Here's how it happened: I was in the middle of breakfast, with my Marauders, as usual. They were talking about something, but I wasn't listening – I was watching Lily. Leila was trying to make her eat – Leila scored a few points in my book – and Lily was trying to resist. It was kind of funny, in a very disturbing sort of way; she should not need prompting to eat her breakfast, but the way she crinkled her nose when something came near her made me melt like it almost always does. I just stared at her, lost in her movements and in her eyes, dreaming about her, aching for her, wanting to touch her…

"Oy, James!" I heard a voice shout at me out of the blue. "Wake up!"

I jumped and looked guiltily at my friends. "Yes?"

It had been Sirius who had lugged me out of my fantasies. "Prongs, we've been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes; stop drooling over Evans and talk to us!"

"I'm not drooling," I said defensively.

"Then what's this?" Peter took a napkin and dabbed at the corner of my mouth; he showed it to me, and sure enough, there was a bit of my spit on it. Sirius burst into snort-laughs while Remus tried to conceal his own amusement.

"I can't help it," I insisted, embarrassed. "I'm in love! Quit laughing, Sirius."

"This time, _I_ can't help it," he said, giggling still. "James, you are hopeless."

"I am," I agreed, frustrated. "Remus, how did you get Lily to fall in love with you?" It was a mark of how desperate I was for her love that I was asking Remus – romantically challenged Remus – for information.

"I'd recommend that you let her come to you rather than aggravating her," Remus suggested. "Be nice to her, listen to her, and don't push her. Be her friend; help her when she needs it. She'll come around."

I nodded slowly. "So I shouldn't try to throw myself at her; I should let _her_ come to _me_?"

"Yes," Remus confirmed.

"Okay," I said, still slightly frowning as I considered this theory.

"But for now – have a waffle." Peter speared one with his fork and handed it to me.

I chuckled. "Sure." I grabbed it from him, and took an enormous bite. Sirius winked and began to put porridge into his nose – Peter did it with him, while I wolfed down the waffle; Remus, of course, put his face in his hands and vaguely muttered something about wondering why he hung out with us. Typical.

Then, while I was eating, I realized that Lily had gone to the bathroom, looking rather worried. Was she all right? But that wasn't the only reason why I began to make my way to the lavatories; too much orange juice does bad things to your systems sometimes. So I ended up passing the girl's one to get the guy's one, but I stopped when I heard a dreadful noise. It sounded like someone vomiting. I was troubled; was Lily ill? I had to know.

The problem was, obviously, that it was a girl's bathroom I would have to infiltrate. And, of course, there was the girl herself – she would murder me if I went in there and found her. Still, I reasoned; I was trying to save her if something went wrong. It was for the greater good! She would thank me for it later.

I opened the door curiously, and I screamed the moment I saw what was going on; Lily's hand was in her mouth, and she was doubling over the toilet. At once, I knew it was because her fingers were in the back of her throat and she was making herself throw up; one of my cousins had been bulimic a couple of years back, and I was more knowledgeable about the disease than I had ever wanted to be. I watched in horror, then, as Lily continued to hurl; I couldn't let the girl I loved do that to herself. I rushed forward, took her away from the toilet and to the sink, where I washed her face off and toweled her off. She was close to passing out – it was very easy to move her around. She was more like a rag doll than ever.

"Lily, are you all right?" I asked desperately.

"Who are you?" She tried to open her eyes to look at me.

"It's James, Lil," I told her. "What the hell are you doing?" I felt it was necessary to ask that too.

"I don't know; just put me down. I can stand."

I gave her a look; there was no way I was going to let her stand up when she was so…messed up. She was almost drunk; I had always wanted to see a drunken Lily Evans, and now that I had, I wanted her to be normal and shout at me again.

"Honest," she pressed, correctly reading my silence. "Take your hands off of me."

I did, and she immediately fell to the floor, like I had known she would. With a sigh, I lifted her off the floor and threw her over my shoulder; she was so light it scared me. I took her out of the bathroom and when I began to go upstairs, people obviously began to see us. Sirius, Peter, and Remus were walking down the corridor and I ran up to join them; when they saw an unconscious Lily in my arms, Peter stared at me funny.

"Why are you holding Lily?" he inquired, looking at her unmoving form with mixed uncertainty and revulsion – it was a well-known fact that Peter wasn't an enormous fan of Lily after she turned his ears blue in third year.

"Because she fainted," I said matter-of-factly. "She's hardly a step up from weightless."

"Is she all right?" Remus asked anxiously, checking her wrist for a pulse. "What was she doing?"

"Throwing up," I said grimly. "Look, I trust you three, which is why I'll tell you something no one should know."

"Ooh, what?" Sirius asked interestedly. "Did you rape her or something?"

I made a face. "That would most likely be your job, Pads."

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but then he shrugged unwillingly. "True, I guess. Now what was Evans doing?"

"She was making herself throw her breakfast up in the bathroom," I said. My dramatic statement had a mixture of effects though – Peter looked merely sickened, Remus was shocked, and Sirius was quite entertained.

"That one is a strange little bitch," Sirius said through his laughter. "Why would she do that? I dated a girl that turned bulimic once – she was torture to kiss."

"And I assume she went bulimic because you told her that she was too fat to go out with you?" Remus guessed, his eyebrow raised.

Sirius stared at him in disbelief. "Damn Moony; are you a Legilimens secretly or something?"

Remus rolled his eyes while Peter and I laughed. "Honestly Sirius; you are such a revolting creature sometimes," Remus accused.

"Well, we all have our special talents," Sirius said, grinning. "Anyway, James; what are you going to do with her?"

"I was going to take her up to the common room and check on her after every period," I said. "Do you guys have another suggestion?"

"Try the Hospital Wing," Remus said. "Have Madam Pomfrey check her over."

"Moony, she'd scream bloody murder if I tried that," I said. "She hates the Hospital Wing. Besides, in there, I won't be able to take care of her – I want to do that myself."

"It's not like she'll let you," Sirius pointed out.

"I have to try," I insisted. "Remus said to be there for her when she needed it, and I'm going to do that."

"Whatever," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "Go – we'll cover for you when you get back to class."

"Thanks," I called as I ran up the stairs with Lily. I took her up to the common room, and there, I lay her gently down on the sofa. I found blankets and a pillow in my dormitory, and I put them in their respective places; she had to be comfortable.

Then, for a few minutes, I simply watched her sleep. She was peaceful, but there was a faint frown on her face, as though she was trying to figure something out. I didn't know what she was thinking about, but whatever it was, it confused her. I held her wrist in my hand, and I couldn't believe how small it was; she had been taking her not-eating policy very seriously.

I left the common room to get to my dormitory; I knew that Lily couldn't resist chocolate, and water was always a good thing to have when you woke up, so I needed to get her both. When I came back, Lily was awake; she was looking around, obviously trying to figure out what was going on. Seeing her lovely eyes open, so raw and vulnerable when she was half-asleep, made me light up, and I sat on the sofa with her.

"Good, you're awake," I said.

"What am I doing here?" She really didn't remember; while I didn't agree with the main adjective, Sirius had been right – she truly was a bit strange. Still, she was different, and I loved her for everything that she was, being strange included.

"You're here rather than in the Hospital Wing, where you should be, because I figured that you wouldn't like it in there," I explained. It was true, but only partially – I didn't mention that she was in the common room because I wanted to be there when she woke up.

"I'm fine, so can I go?"

Typical; I had expected that. Lily loved working far too much for a teenage girl.

"No," I said. "I might possibly start to consider it if you tried telling me what the hell you were trying to accomplish in that bathroom though." I knew what had happened – I just needed to hear it from her.

After a bit of probing around that I'm not going to detail, I discovered that Lily thought of herself as fat – her thighs had, apparently, bothered her the most. She thought she was fat, and she had thrown up more than once – she spoke of it casually, so it was probably well over once. I tried to hide my shock the best I could, but it was hard – I had to keep reminding myself that I loved her, and she was too breakable to be yelled at during the time.

Then we hit the topic of letting her go back to class. I was dead set against it – there was nothing Lily could say that would make me allow her to leave the common room in her condition, but since she was fighting so hard, I decided to let her go to her dormitory. She would have to stay there all night, and I would check in on her after every class period, as well as give her something to eat when meal times came around. I would be her nurse, and though I didn't say it, I wouldn't do it for anyone but her. No, not even for Sirius – Sirius would be up on his feet before I could even figure out what was wrong with him.

Lily felt that I was babying her and she was capable of taking care of herself though, to which I said, "Obviously not, seeing as I have to oversee your eating and pick you up from bathroom floors." I had smiled at her and told her to get out of her blankets so that we could go up; I figured that I wouldn't carry her up the stairs, now that she was awake and wanting independence.

How wrong I was.

She couldn't even get the blankets off! I teased her about it by saying she had noodle arms (to which she said I had freakishly huge ones), but really, I was appalled. Lily couldn't get the bloody blankets away from her!!! That was bad – really bad.

"You are so light, Lily," I said as I threw her over my shoulder again. "I lift weights heavier than you."

"Nobody asked you to comment on my weight," she told me. "Now can you please let me walk? I don't want to be carried."

"Stop complaining," I said, grinning, as I cast her to her bed. I had been halfway across the dormitory from it when I tossed her, but she still landed in the right spot; she was way too light if I was able to do that. Or maybe I was, as she said, freakishly strong; it was probably a bit of both.

"James! I am a _person_, not a rag doll!" she shouted at me, giggling madly.

"There's no difference when it comes to you," I taunted her. I was going to walk to her and say something else, but on my way, I tripped over something on the floor; taken by surprise, I fell face first onto Lily's bed. Worse still, I fell right on Lily herself; I was in her face, millimeters from her lips. Her eyes were wide and frightened, which was weird, because I had expected them to be fiery – I had never been that close to her.

It was a mortifying moment, because we had been normal, platonic friendly a few seconds back, so I got up, mumbled something I can't even remember anymore, and let myself out. I didn't look back; I simply ran to my own dormitory, where I am now. I have a few more minutes before class starts, but I knew that I had to write this one down – it was fairly monumental, at least to me.

I do have to get going though, so I'll say this – I hope that Lily will be all right, and that she won't detest me for trying to be there for her; she has a bad habit of hating me for doing the very things that were right for her. I love her more than she could even begin to guess, and all I really want is for her to realize that.

No such luck yet, but I'm optimistic that it will happen some day. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday.

_A/N: Jamesie is so cute! Haha, he just feels the need to baby Lily in every aspect of life that he can control just because he loves doing it. :P So review! I have finally solved a big problem – bulimia will never come up again – and I want to know your reactions._


	36. Wilting Lilies

_A/N: I cut the last chapter because it wasn't important; this one, however, is rather important. :P I just hope that Snape isn't out of character...I'm terrified that he is. But I hope you like it anyhow!_

_Side note: The songs Soulmate, by Natasha Bedingfield, Hear Me, by Kelly Clarkson, and Everybody's Fool, by Evanescence, helped considerably with this chapter. :)_

**Lily**

March 10th

Dear Diary,

I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't want to think about what it is. I need to be in motion, and I need to somehow get this mood of mine on paper so that I can study it and try to understand it later. That's why I'm going to describe what's going on with everybody else right now; they're far more important than I am, and you, my beautiful, helpful diary, probably want a break from hearing all about me and my woes at every minute I have to write.

Kyleigh has not spoken to me since my birthday, but I'm okay with it; we're two very different people, and we've always led different lives – it was just a matter of time before we realized that. I'm happy, she's happy; we've both moved on. She's still going strong with Sirius, which works – they're very similar, and they keep each other in check. Their relationship is sweet, even if Sirius is the world's biggest arse.

Chris hasn't spoken to me since my birthday either, when James shooed him away, and I prefer it that way. I hear he's going out with another girl, Kristen Cleary; I wish her the best of luck if Chris decides he likes her. I'm fine without him though – I just feel fortunate that he didn't succeed in his twisted plans. As for Regina; she's still happily stalking James, and being her usual bitchy self. No surprises there.

Remus – my sweet, lovely Remus – is fine as well; he's with James and the crew as usual, but he too looks healthier. I don't know what caused that to happen, but whatever it is, I hope it's working for him as much as it seems to be. Peter is, of course, his usual brainless self; life has maintained a normal order, and I feel like things are starting to fall into place.

Well, almost; I'm not in place just yet.

See, I'm still in love with James, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I could love him right. I know it sounds odd, to be hearing something like that coming from me, but what I mean is that he's James. James is…just James. He needs the right girl because he's the definition of excellence. He knows exactly what he wants and he has it all – he just needs the girl and he's set for life. That means that the girl he needs should be absolutely perfect; I am the very last thing from perfect, even if I feel like a new person now, and I know that I could never give him what he's looking for. So I'm lost again – I'll find my way soon, I know; it's just that I don't know when 'soon' specifically is.

Who else can I write about? Hmmm…oh yes, Snape. Unfortunately, I know that Snape isn't doing well; not well at all. See, today, when I was on my way to Potions, he caught up to me in the corridor. I couldn't say I was pleased with that, but I didn't care all that much either; he was just Snape. It wasn't like he was someone I would be nervous around. In a way, I liked Snape for that – he never put me under any pressure, and didn't seem to mind me the screwed-up way I was.

"Hey Lils," he said casually.

"Please don't call me Lils," I requested. It was a well-known fact that only my close friends could call me that, and though Snape was somewhat bearable, he was not a close friend at all.

"Sorry," he apologized. "So…how are you?"

"All right," I said with a sigh. "You?"

"I guess you could say I'm all right," he said.

I smiled briefly, but I couldn't think of what to say next; we were stuck with an awkward silence. Finally though, Snape cleared his throat and asked, "Lily, would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me some time?"

I had to process this question for a full fifteen seconds before I realized that he was serious. "What?" I inquired anyway, feeling as though I was struck dumb.

"I just…I was wondering if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me," he repeated, blushing very slightly.

"Do you mean as a date, or as a friend?" I was being blunt, but I had to know what he meant so that I didn't answer incorrectly.

"Either, really," he said. "Do you want to?"

I bit my lip. "Look, Severus, I don't think that's a good idea. I just don't feel that way about you – I mean, we hardly know each other. Besides that, your friends absolutely hate me because I'm Muggleborn – what would they say?"

"It doesn't matter much," he insisted. "And if you went with me, then it would help us to get to know each other."

I sighed. "Sev, please don't take this the wrong way, but I can't possibly go out with you. I'm sorry."

He kept his face as emotionless as he could, but I knew that I'd upset him. "It's fine. Really. I know how to take a hint."

I was about to say I was truly sorry, that I didn't him like he thought I did, but he left before I could utter a single word. He didn't look at me either. I felt awful for rejecting him – I was sure he thought I was cruel and heartless – but at the same time, what could I have done? I couldn't go out with Severus Snape; he would take it the wrong way, people would think I liked him when I didn't, and it would be a gigantic mess. I didn't want to deal with it. Besides, I was in love with James – if James thought I was going out with him, then not only would Snape's life become hell for no reason, but he might give up on me.

If there was one thing I didn't want, it was that I didn't want him to give up on me. I'm horrible, I'm overemotional, and I make mistakes, but I never want him to give up on me.

Okay, so I know I said I wouldn't go into how I'm feeling, but I can't help it; I have to. I've been eating and I've been studying less – consequently gaining more weight, which, according to Leila, is a good thing – but I feel…empty yet exploding. I'm touchy, like I used to be, and I want to put my head down and just give it up. I feel like I'm living a lie – everyone thinks I'm happy and thriving, but I'm not. I'm feeling crappy and I want to die. I've got everyone fooled – I never really was okay, but they all think I am. I don't know myself anymore; I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I want to be simple and easy to understand, but I'm not; my father used to joke that I had so many moods that I could be twenty different people, and right now, I think he might be right. I don't want that though – I want to be one, easy little person that doesn't have to feel the way I am.

No one can see how I really feel, both because they're blind and because I'm not very open about stuff like that.

No one can hear me screaming for simplicity, both because they're deaf and because they're always silent screams.

No one can get near me, both because they don't feel the need to and because I don't want to let them.

When that's how I live my life, how am I supposed to get better? If I never let anyone in, how am I supposed to find the one that's going to fix me up and make me a real person again?

Someone, please; just hear me, see me, and feel me – make me normal again because I've had enough.

**James**

March 10th

Dear Diary,

Remember a month ago when I wrote about that map idea Sirius, Peter, and I had? We had said we would talk to Remus about it, but we never got the opportunity to, because of recent events; today, however, when classes ended, we did talk about it at last.

It was Peter who brought the subject up as we lazed around in our empty dormitory; we were doing nothing of consequence, and he said, "So…should we tell him?"

"What?" Sirius looked up and wrinkled his nose. "What are we telling who?"

"Remus," said Peter. "Aren't we telling him about that idea we had?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius said, catching on. "Oy, Moony, we need your help with something."

"I'm almost afraid to ask what you're planning," Remus responded warily. "What's the latest idea?"

"It's this map," I said. "We want to call it the Marauder's Map, with our nicknames on it – you know, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. We plan to put all the secret passages of the school on it so that we have something to reference when we're out on midnight adventures."

"Hmmm…" Remus looked thoughtfully at the ground.

"It would work," Sirius insisted. "We know more about the school than anyone else does! We could make it, and then we could even sell copies!"

"How much could we charge?" Peter began to contemplate the matter. "How about fifteen Galleons?"

"Excellent," Sirius said, grinning. "Overpriced stuff sold by us always goes fast. Besides, this is useful."

"I thought we agreed that we were only using it for ourselves," I said. "Peter, you agreed with me."

"But…don't you like money?" he asked, trying to tempt me.

"This should just be for us, wouldn't you say, Moony?" I turned to Remus, who was still deep in thought, seeking his approval.

"I'd have to agree with James on this one, boys," Remus said to Peter and Sirius. "You know I don't approve of selling secrets of the school. Remember what happened when you tried to sell away the knowledge of the Room of Requirement?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius said, reminiscing with a wince. "The Room closed itself up, people got mad, and we lost all of our money."

"Yeah," Remus said. "So we're keeping this one to ourselves, all right?"

"Excellent," I said, beaming. "So does this mean we're doing it?"

"Yes," Remus said. "Since we've got a bit of time, why don't you three start sketching an outline of the castle?"

"What about you?" Peter inquired.

"I want to take a look in my books for little charms we can put on our map to keep it safe from outside eyes," he clarified. "I have a few ideas, but I want to look at the logistics."

"Sounds awful boring," Sirius said. "You do that – we'll draw. You're a terrible artist anyway, Moony, no offense."

"None taken," Remus said easily as he opened up a textbook. "You're a terrible essay-writer; I've seen the things you've turned in."

Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus, though he didn't see it, before pulling out his quill.

So that's pretty much all we've been doing all afternoon; drawing and researching. Remus did stumble on some useful information, but he refused to tell us what it was – apparently, we're going to find out later when the time is right. Typical Remus; while Sirius is a bad essay-writer, Remus can't be mysterious to save his life.

Despite that though, Sirius, Peter, and I have sketched out the first three floors of Hogwarts; they look pretty good, if I do say so myself. Sirius is still a bit sour that we can't make any money off of our creation, but Remus always tells him to please shut up and let him concentrate. In retaliation, Sirius likes to call Remus names under his breath while Remus pretends not to hear them, even though he does. Peter draws while they do that, and I simply watch the scene with amusement; though they like to argue a lot, I love hanging around with them.

However, on that note, I really must be going; Peter has managed to make a royal mess of the map, and I need to stop Sirius from murdering him. Wish me luck.

_A/N: Yes, how horribly lazy of me by the end of James's right there – I really am sorry, but I might have to diagnose myself with writer's block soon. This chapter was fairly crappy, so I'm sorry about that, but review anyway?_


	37. Ranting and MapMaking

_A/N: Yeah, I'm fully aware that the last chapter didn't have much in it. If you reviewed, I told you why. But unfortunately, this is another one of those kinds of chapters, as the chapter suggests. It's the last of it's kind – I promise. :P It's just that you need some fairly pointless chapters – I usually rush through all my stories, and I just don't want to do that with this one. It's gradual – I'm trying my hardest to make it as real as I can. That means there will be some slow lag time because real life doesn't always give you what you want right away. However, the next chapter has more action-ish stuff in it, so hang tight! Haha, lol, I'm done now. I hope you like this one though!_

_Side note: Soulmate, by Natasha Bedingfield, is not only my favorite song right now, but it was the fuel and inspiration for Lily's entry. :) Private Radio, by Vanessa Carlton, was a cute song I listened to with James's entry – it doesn't fit, but it makes me think 'fun,' which James had a lot of. :P_

**Lily**

March 19th

Dear Diary,

Love is a very strange thing.

Why? Because it leaves you so vulnerable; it's as if the lightest word from him could make you or break you. I think of it as one of those Muggle game shows; the higher you go, the better you feel, but the easier it is to fall apart. I'm at the highest stake ever, and I feel like I'm going to fall at any given second. That's not the worst part though – the real hell of it is that no one can know about it – not even Leila, my beloved confident and best friend. I can't tell anyone about this because if people knew, all anyone would say to me is how they told me that we were the perfect couple, and how they had known all along that I loved him. I don't want that; no one knows how I have been feeling lately, and I don't want them judging me on something so fragile and raw without all the background information (which, of course, I'm never going to give them). It's simply not done.

I've been lying in bed all day today, listening to the rain. We had today, Friday, off from classes, but no one could do anything outdoors because of the storm going on around us. James has been complaining at the top of his voice about how he really wanted to play Quidditch today, but couldn't because no one was in the mood to brave the winds, and he wasn't the only one who was voicing negative thoughts on the matter; many people had wanted to lounge about in the sunshine on their day off, but none of us could. I don't know what they're so upset about; I like the rain better than the shine sometimes.

The weather going on outside is actually a very accurate version of my mood at the moment. It's dark, but it's not too heavy; you can see a little bit of light struggling through the numerous, intense clouds. The rain is falling in such a comforting style; the pitter pat of the water pelting on the roof seems to promise that life will go on, despite of all my emotions – that's comforting, because I have often felt like the world is going to end and I'm never going to be okay. There's thunder, true enough, but it sounds more like an achy moan of despair; it sounded exactly like the sort of noise I would make if I was able to. I enjoy storms; people are always talking about how they are terrible, disruptive, and noisy, but in actuality, they aren't. They make lovely moods for writing, that's for sure, but they also just wring your soul in such a powerful way, if you let them. Thoughts that wouldn't come to you otherwise seem to flow through the passages of your mind, allowing you to realize truths that you may not have necessarily realized before. Rain is an incredible thing, and can do unbelievable things to our feeble human minds, yet no one can grasp this when it comes around. Mundanity is a dreadful problem.

Love. It's such a stupid thing; why do we have to care so much? Why are we capable of giving ourselves away so easily? I don't want to love anyone; I want to be complete within myself so that I don't have to rely on someone that will most likely turn out to be a bad candidate. And, if I do have to love someone, why can't he just bloody come to me and find me? Why can't I feel the electric spark right away? It would make life so much easier. There wouldn't be so much pain that way. We all have a soul-mate, so why am I the only one who hasn't found hers yet? I know I'm probably not, but it feels like I am; I just want to find him and be done with it, but he's nowhere to be found. I do love James, but there's no way he'd be my soul-mate – we're too different, and my love for him is almost fickle because I doubt it even though I know it's there.

But, right now, the question on my mind is about love, as you have probably already figured out. Let's try a little question and answer session, shall we? This may seem strange, but it's only an experiment; I have never done this before.

**What is love?**

According to Muggle dictionaries, love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. According to me, it's the feeling that they give you to punish you for the most felonious crime you have ever committed. I'm not sure what mine was, but I'm being punished anyway.

**Why do you think you feel love?**

To be punished in the most sound, thorough fashion you can think of.

**Is love a good thing?**

In my experiences, it most definitely is not.

**Why is love a bad thing?**

You give yourself away to someone who can easily break you without looking back. Instinct always tells you that this person feels the same way you do, and that it's okay to give your heart and soul to them in entirety, but instinct is wrong. Love is a Muggle roller coaster ride; exhilarating at first, but then you just feel sick to your stomach at the end. I'm not getting in line for this one.

**Who are you in love with?**

James Bloody Potter.

**Really?**

Unfortunately, yes.

**See? Love isn't such a bad thing! Is he a sweet person?**

If you ask Leila, she will say he most definitely is. If you ask me though, I say he is the most loathsome cockroach to walk this planet because he's shattered the guard I've worked so hard to put up and keep up. If that isn't a reason to hate him, then I don't know what is.

**If you hate him, why do you love him?**

If I knew, I would have tried to nip it in the bud long ago.

**I don't get it. What are you trying to say?**

I don't even know.

**This is utterly stupid! You're not even dating James, and you're already worried about him breaking your heart. Give him a chance!**

I'm not going to do that. End of story.

**What if he's The One? What if you're going to miss out just because you're bloody afraid?**

That's a chance I'm willing to take.

**This question and answer thing is completely stupid because not only are you talking to yourself, you're making no sense and you're not cooperating.**

All right; I think it's time to stop as well.

So that was completely stupid, and it didn't work at all. Great; now I'm stuck in here, restless as anything because I'm dying to throw James on the ground and snog him until tomorrow morning, and I can't do anything about it but write. Writing is a great help, don't get me wrong, but it's just that I want _action_. I want things to happen – writing about them isn't good enough for me anymore. I just can't make myself do what I want though; I'm too cowardly for that. I don't know anymore; it's all so screwed up, tiresome, and exhausting. I just want one thing and I want to be done with it all, but I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't; I hate that more than I've ever hated Regina, Chris, Sirius, or anyone.

I think it's time to go upstairs, scream for a little while, then fall on my bed and wait for night to fall, sleep to come, and reality to turn into something I actually want.

**James**

March 19th

Dear Diary,

Today, it rained.

I hate rain; it's so aggravating – you can't play Quidditch and you can't swim in the lake like you can in the sunshine. I don't understand how you could possibly like it – it bores me to death, personally. It's just water falling from the sky; how is that anything to celebrate?

So, while it rained, Remus, Sirius, Peter, and I sat in the library together, armed with an array of butterbeer we had Peter steal from Honeydukes, and looked through musty books for spells we could use. Remus brought slips of parchment to mark all of his pages in each book, which I found completely stupid, but hey – Remus is Remus, and you're better off just agreeing, because he's almost always right.

Sirius and Peter are really into the whole 'drawing out a map of the school with all our superior knowledge' deal – they love it. Peter is more of a hindrance than a help, true, but he has an uncanny knack for getting distances down accurately and drawing straight lines – something Sirius has not been able to do yet, which doesn't make him happy. They work well – after today, we had the rough skeleton of every floor drawn out, and Sirius wants to do the littler details on his own time later. Quite frankly, I'm just surprised that he cares enough to offer – normally, he doesn't even do that.

"I've found an extremely interesting spell, you three, come here," Remus said, gesturing for our attention.

"What is it?" Peter asked interestedly, trying to sneak a peek at the book.

"We can give everybody a little dot of their own for the map," Remus said enthusiastically. "So when they're pacing, moving, staying still – whatever, really – they will show up on the map. Professors count – we would know if they were coming near us, and we could hide!"

"Brilliant!" Sirius high-fived Remus. "That's amazing! Can we really do that?"

"Yes," Remus said, beaming now that his find was being appreciated. "It's a difficult charm though – I don't know if we'd be able to do it."

"Hell, yes we can," I said. "Give me that." I took the book from his hand, read the page, and contemplated it. "I think we could do this, who are you kidding?"

"You know that Charms is not my best subject, James," he said. "Could you do this?"

"Transfiguration is my best subject, but I like Charms – I could do it," I said. "And I'm going to keep trying this until I get it right; this is awesome, and I think we should use it."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "Remus is doing all the research, I'm doing most of the actual drawing, and Peter can't do any of the spells, so you're stuck with all the dirty work; you'd better keep trying to get it right."

"Oy, shut it," Peter snapped, pink anyway, while Sirius and I laughed. "Just because I can't do these spells, doesn't mean that I can't do other ones."

"I know, I know," Sirius said through his laughter. "Unbunch your panties, Wormtail; I was just kidding."

I snorted before grabbing one of Remus's books. "Moony, what about those safety spells? Should I look those up in here?"

"Could you?" Remus asked. "Look for the most promising ones, and then tell me; I'll mark them."

"Okay." I began to flip through the book, quite bored, to be quite honest; books were so dull.

Eventually, I stumbled upon a highly intriguing little spell that was scribbled on the very last line of the very last page in the tiniest font type that could possibly exist. "Moony, come here; I have to show you this."

"Yeah?" Remus peered onto the page curiously.

"This one," I said, pointing to the appropriate spell. "For people that aren't authorized to see the map – if they say their name, a variety of insults will come up."

"It's rather rude," Remus objected. "Are you sure we should use it?"

"What's rude?" At this, of course Sirius's ears perked up and he walked towards us. "What shouldn't we use?"

"This," I said, pointing at the spell again.

"Damn, Prongs," he said, frowning. "You couldn't pick a smaller, more insignificant spell, could you?"

"Shut up," I snapped. "Just read."

Peter, interested as well, began to read with him, and when they finished, Sirius's previous annoyance was gone – he was itching to use the charm too.

"It's perfect, Moony!" Sirius cried. "We have to use it! It's just waiting for us to use it for our map!"

"It's so rude though," Remus said. "I don't like that."

"Well, it's rude to intrude our map, which was not for them," Sirius insisted. "Moony, if you don't let James perform the spell, I'm going to do it myself."

"You thrive in anything uncouth don't you?" Moony said, obviously disappointed in Sirius's ethics.

"Yup," Sirius chirped, unabashed. "So we're using the charm, aren't we?"

"Please say we are," Peter chimed in. "It's so funny!"

"Yeah, Moony," I added in. "Three against one."

"Oh all right," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "If it makes you guys happy."

"It does," Sirius confirmed, grinning. "This is going to be so damn fantastic – you wait and see, because I know that we're making a Hogwarts legend."

"No we're not," Remus said. "People won't know how to work it. Besides, we're either going to leave it here to get lost for years or years, or we'll keep it with us and it'll be completely useless. It won't be a legend."

"Don't be so pessimistic," I said. "I mean, what if our descendants find it? Wouldn't it be cool to leave behind a piece of our Marauder heritage for them? I know I'm going to show my kid how it works, when I get one."

"Well, then it's different," Remus said. "But I really don't think it's going to be more than just a map we made up because we wanted something to do."

"James, for your kid…I feel I must ask; who will his or her mother be?" Sirius asked, ignoring Remus's usual negativity completely as his attention turned to me.

"Lily," I answered immediately. "Lily will be the only woman I'd choose to have my children. I mean, they'll be Potters – they'll need a good mother, and Lily will be an ideal one."

"Well, I say that no matter what happens in the future, the Marauder's Map is going to be the biggest thing in the world while we're here," Peter said. "It's the present right now, not the future you're thinking about – let's live it up, shall we?"

"Those are the truest words that ever came out of your mouth, Pete," Sirius said proudly, thumping him on the back. "Let's live up this map; we're going to make it insult anyone who's not worthy. How does the charm work?"

"Well, we're supposed to come up with a general range of insults, and it'll put those up on the spot we touched the wand with on the map itself," I said, reading the paragraph in the book. "But we can do specialized ones too – I'd say we do a special one for Snivelly and then a general one for anyone else."

"Excellent," Sirius said. "Let's think extra carefully about what to say to Snivellus, and then we'll collaborate on the general one – what do you say?"

"I say that works," Peter said. "When will you guys all do the charms?"

"We'll practice and do them all at once," Remus answered. "It'll be a big deal – we'll do it at night in the common room."

"Can I steal more butterbeer for the occasion?" Peter inquired.

"There is never a time when you can't steal butterbeer," Sirius told Peter solemnly.

Remus rolled his eyes disapprovingly, but didn't comment otherwise. "So I think we've done a lot of work today – good job, boys. Shall we go upstairs and call it an afternoon?"

"Sure," I said, finishing the last of my butterbeer. "Toss my bottle for me, would you, Wormtail?"

"Okay." Peter took my empty container of butterbeer along with his own and was about to get rid of them when Sirius shouted his name.

"Pete! Can you throw mine out too?" he asked.

"No," Peter said.

"Why not? You're throwing James's out," Sirius pointed out, irritated.

"You're not James," Peter said simply. "Throw it out yourself."

"Fine," Sirius grumbled. "Damn you."

Peter laughed. "Thanks a bunch, Pads."

Sirius didn't answer; he simply grunted crossly and disposed of his butterbeer. Remus and I exchanged glances and tried to hold our laughter back; Sirius was so comical when he was pissed off.

Together, the four of us came upstairs, and now here I am, writing in my goddamn diary. How I hate this thing; I don't even know why I'm still using it. Remus has too many other things to worry about rather than my writing issues, yet I'm not taking advantage of that – it's so odd. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I reckon there is; nothing else would explain my constant handling of this book.

Why on earth was diary-writing invented?

_A/N: All right, I'll be honest; even though this chapter was pointless, I liked it, which is a rare thing for me – I almost never like what I've written. But I dunno…there was so much irony in James's, and the question/answer thing was just a random idea I decided to use to change the flow a little in Lily's rants. Anyhow, review! I like those. :P _


	38. Happy Birthday James

_A/N: I've just realized that this is the last chapter for March; the next one will be for April 8__th __– isn't that crazy how close we're getting to the end? I've just realized that you've all stuck with me for about three months now! Aww, how nice of you. :) You get a cyber cookie just for that. I'll give you a brownie if you finish this insane story though. :P So…go ahead and start reading. I don't have much else to say. xD_

_Side note: I know your opinion of the Duff sisters is probably very low, but I do like the song One in this World, by Haylie Duff, and I think it matches the James/Lily situation pretty well._

**Lily**

March 27th

Dear Diary,

I couldn't believe I forgot it, but it was James's birthday today.

I really don't know how the date slipped my mind – I mean, he's _James Potter_. Everybody knows his birthday because people always make a big deal about it every year. Not only that, but it's his sixteenth; that's a pretty big deal. I felt even worse when I remembered the hullabaloo he had set up for my own birthday – I hadn't even bought his present because I forgot to. I amounted to just about nothing in the morning when I realized, with a jolt, what the date March 27th meant.

Now, I was in quite a predicament when I remembered his birthday; how could I give him the right present when I only had roughly two hours to get it all ready? It was really tricky business picking the right gift – he didn't know I was secretly in love with him (I still winced internally when I let that phrase form in my mind); he still thought that I hated him. Of course, that was sort of true because I hated how he gave me no peace of mind, but waving that aside, he still thought I hated him. I had to get hi something that said I-only-got-this-because-I-had-to, yet also said James-Potter-I-am-hopelessly-in-love-with-you; I don't think there is a single object that said both of those things at once, which left me the agonizing choice – the truth or what was expected of me. I wasn't sure what to go with, and to help matters even more, I knew that my decision could ruin all that I've been defending for five years; isn't fate so lovely? Ha. Of course it is.

So what was I supposed to do? I could give him one of three things:

A material object

Any service he desired (most likely a kiss)

A passionate snog that lasted an hour

Choice A, I decided, would be my back-up; if I couldn't think of anything, I'd buy him a moderately priced Quidditch item. Fair enough.

Choice B…that would probably be the best out of the lot; he could choose whatever he wanted. If it was a kiss, I could put up a fuss, but kiss him anyway. Yes, that would most likely work. I liked this option.

Choice C would be the idea for me, but I knew that I couldn't do it – I wouldn't have the guts or the time, since there are only a little over two months left for the O. W. L. exams. So no – the snog was, regrettably, not a good selection.

Choice B it was then; I had James's birthday present figured out. Yay for me. Now all I had to do was tell him. Hold that yay.

All day today, people sought James out and wished him a happy birthday. He got a boatload of presents, as well as tons of money; the rumor circulating through the school was that he had kissed eleven girls. It was a believable one too – James kissed girls as a hobby after Quidditch. A surge of pride and sorrow always went through me when I thought about that – I was the only one with enough backbone to not let him kiss me, yet I wanted to, and badly at that.

Still, I had to give him my gift; so, at lunch, I found him at the Gryffindor table. It wasn't hard – he was the only one with a group of girls standing around him, giggling. I took a deep breath and approached him; when he saw me, he shooed his fans away and smiled at me – it was a smile that took my breath away, but I tried to hide it.

"Hey," I said. "Happy sixteenth birthday."

"Thanks," said James. He then looked into my empty hands and asked teasingly, "Where's my present?"

I smacked his arm. "You are so rude! As it is, I didn't have a present I could wrap for you."

"Is it a kiss?" he guessed hopefully.

"No," I said, though I was ashamed to find that I hoped it would be. "It's a service, almost like your coupons – I will do any _one_ thing for you today only." I was sure to add emphasis on the one.

"_Anything_?" Mischief lit his eyes; I could only guess what horrid thoughts were going through his mind.

"Yes, but with a few exceptions," I said. "Firstly, you may not drag me into your bed against my will. Secondly, I am not going to tell you that I love you, and I am certainly not going to mean it. Thirdly, going along with the first thing, I am _not_ going to take my clothes off."

James pretended to look sorrowful. "Then I'll have to think carefully about this. Am I allowed that kiss I thought you were going to give me though?"

"You might be," was all I would say on the subject. I left him at the table to join Leila, who was placidly eating her eggs. When she saw me, she grinned. "So did you wish James happy birthday?" was the first thing she said.

"Yes," I told her. "I even gave him a present."

"Ooh, what was it?" Leila asked, ignoring her eggs to find out what I had done.

"I told him I'd do any one thing for him today – but with a few exceptions," I said. "Do you think that works?"

"You should have kissed him," Leila said. "He would have liked that. I assume a kiss was one of the exceptions though, right?"

"No, it wasn't," I admitted. "My exceptions were no taking my clothes off and no asking me to say I loved him. But I didn't want to kiss him, Leils."

"Why not? You love him," Leila said, her eyes searching me for an answer.

"I don't," I told her crossly. "Stop saying I do."

"Well then stop denying it," she said simply. "You're in love, Miss Lily Evans, and I'm waiting to hear you say it."

It was much harder to deny that I loved him, now that I actually did, so I decided to make her drop the subject. "Leils, I'm not saying it. Now can we please go to class? I want to avoid the Potter fan club."

"Good idea," Leila said, shuddering. "They're so creepy."

"You should be their president," I remarked.

"No – that's Regina's job," Leila said with a smirk.

I giggled. "True." So we walked to class together, thankfully only trashing Regina rather than interrogating me on my feelings for James. That had been a pretty close call.

Every time I looked at James for the rest of our lessons, he was always surrounded by people. Regina was with him pretty frequently, but that was a granted; she was obsessed with him. I knew why now, and it was all I could do to not tear her apart with my bare hands. She was a bitch, and I wanted James – I felt like a jealous, overemotional little preteen, but it was the truth; I tell you, my diary, the whole truth and nothing but because you are the only one I trust. You aren't going to any other hands, so I can say everything I want to say. That is the only bit of bliss I can possibly get on my dark horizon.

Anyway, so when classes ended for the day, James managed to get away from his friends and took me aside in a more insignificant corner. His eyes were achingly peaceful; I wanted that peace, but the only way to get it was to find some kind of courage in me and take what I needed – him.

I'd rather stay screwed up.

He was quiet; he seemed to have trouble forming the right words. I knew that feeling all too well; therefore, I prompted him. "Yes?"

"Well, I've been thinking a lot about that service of yours," he began. His voice was uncertain; what on earth could he possibly want from me?

"And…?" I encouraged.

"And I know what I want," he said.

It was probably a kiss, I thought. "What is it?" I inquired anyway.

James looked into my face for a long, long time before he said, "For my birthday, all I really want is for you to be truly happy."

That had definitely _not_ been what I had expected. "What?" I queried stupidly.

"I just want you to be happy," he repeated, his hazel eyes softer than baby powder.

"You mean you're not going to ask me to do anything obnoxious?" I asked in disbelief.

"No," he said.

"You won't make me kiss you?"

"No."

"You won't want any kind of real gift."

He laughed. "No."

"You won't ask me out?"

"No."

"You won't force me to take study breaks?"

"No, but that's a good idea."

"Boy, what is wrong with you?" I demanded. "Stop being so sweet; not taking advantage of this situation is not like you!"

He laughed once more. "I love you, so I value your happiness above anything else. You're pretty touchy lately – I just want you to genuinely smile and have a good time."

I was really taken aback; that was actually very, very nice of him, and only made me love him more – he wanted _me_ to be happy on _his _birthday! How many guys asked you for something like that?!

"Can you do that for me?" James requested.

I nodded and gave him the first smile – a real one, like he'd wanted. "Yes, I can."

He smiled back, seemingly pleased to see me take his appeal to heart so quickly. "Thank you."

"Happy birthday." I tried to give him a hug, but found it too awkward – he was still under that impression of hatred, and that meant he still thought I would burn anything he touched. So, instead, he shook my hand and we went our separate ways. My heart was still fluttering; how adorable of him! The urge to admit my love for him became enormous, but I kept trying to shake it away. I didn't want to admit anything.

When Leila saw me, she asked at once, "What did James want?"

"Nothing," I muttered as I retreated to my dormitory. I didn't want to tell her what he had wanted; when it came to James, I couldn't tell Leila anything – we'd been rather distant because of that fact. We still hung around together, and it wasn't as though Leila had no other friends, but I didn't cling to her like I had when Remus broke it off with me. I could feel myself falling apart, but I wasn't going to let her in. Not for this one. This crush was one that I would deal with on my own, even if it broke me apart.

So what am I left to do? I guess I'll go study; my books are my escapes from reality, because when I'm sucked into my work, there's almost no way to get me out. It won't be a textbook – it'll be a book my mother had read and sent to me by post. I hadn't had the chance to start it, and now I think I will.

We all know that there's nothing like curling up with a good book and trying to forget about the guy you love on his birthday.

**James**

March 27th

Dear Diary,

Happy birthday to me!

Yes, yes, today is indeed my sixteenth birthday. I have been waiting ages for this day and here it is; I am officially sixteen. Better yet, I only have to wait one more year before I'm an official adult and can take the world by storm, just like I've always dreamed. I can take Lily with me, and together, we'll travel, see the world, be together, and possibly give me a kid to teach Marauder history. It's all so close, I can almost taste it; that gives me more reason to have fun today – because my life will officially start very, very soon.

When I woke up this morning, Sirius pounced on me in an enormous bear hug. "Happy birthday, Prongs," he said, grinning wickedly at me. "What do you say to some mischievousness just because you're a whole year elder today? We can sneak down and get you a snack from the kitchens."

"Thanks Pads," I said with a laugh. "I'd say that sounds great – I'm growing old, and I need to have some fun."

"Excellent," he said. "C'mon; Moony and Wormtail are outside in the common room."

I gladly followed him, feeling that usual burst of energy I got when I was ready to run around like a lunatic, causing as much trouble as I could. We bounded down the stairs, and sure enough, the rest of the Gryffindor fifth years shouted out to me, "Happy birthday, James!"

With a grin, I shouted back, "Thank you!"

Peter fought his way out of the throng of people then, smiling up at me. "Hey Prongs; come down here, would you?"

I obliged, and by that time, Sirius had managed to drag Remus out of the crowd as well so that the four of us stood in the same little corner. Peter said, "We're having a party tonight; we're all going to be in here at seven until whatever time we can stay up till. Does that work?"

"Hell yeah," I said, beaming. "Should I help get things set up?"

"It's your birthday, Prongs," Sirius reminded me. "You don't have to do anything. We do it for you."

"Then can you get Lily Evans to be nice to me today?" I asked, smirking.

"Prongs, if I had my way, she would bloody marry you tomorrow so you stop obsessing over her," Sirius said. "But as it is, we can't; she hates you, and I'm not going to take the trouble to fight for a lost cause. Girls are never worth that much concern."

"That particular girl is," I insisted. "But whatever – I understand. Shall we go down to breakfast then, my fellow Marauders?"

"We shall." Sirius gave me a mock bow, and then said suddenly, "Last one there is a Snivelly!"

At once, Sirius, Peter, and I tore off to the Great Hall; Remus, of course, did not care for our little games, and came at his own pace. We got some breakfast – Sirius got his usual porridge, which went straight finally came in to sit with us.

"Why do you always want to be the Snivelly?" Sirius asked, aggravated. "I am friends with Remus Lupin, not Snivelly."

"Why do you always play that stupid game?" Remus countered, buttering his toast calmly as he looked to Sirius for an answer.

"Because it's _fun_," he explained, drawing out the word 'fun.' "If you don't know what that is, well, I'm not surprised, but the rest of us like to have it whenever we can so that we don't end up single and boring for the rest of our lives."

"If that's supposed to imply that I'm never going to get married and am going to be boring my entire life, then you're quite wrong," Remus said conversationally, taking a bite of toast. "While I may not get married, I will never be boring; you three know that."

"Oh, you mean your FLP?" I inquired.

"Of course," Remus said. "I don't think I can ever be boring while I have that, can I?"

"Ugh." Sirius rolled his eyes in disgust. "I meant generally boring – don't talk much, work overtime for free; that sort of thing."

"Sirius, our definitions of boring differ quite a bit," he said. "You consider being a virgin boring."

"Well, if you like a girl, then get in bed with her – that's my motto," Sirius said simply. "It's easy; I don't see why you three don't try it."

"I don't like anyone," Peter said. "I mean, Leila Patterson's cute, but she hates me."

The porridge in Sirius's nose flew forward into his plate as he snorted violently with laughter. "You like Leila Patterson?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes," Peter said, blushing. "I do, but she hates me. I don't care – she's probably not my type – but I do like her."

Sirius went back to his hysterics while Remus made a face. "Ignore him, Wormtail."

"She likes me, but you can have her, Pete," I said. "She scares me."

"Well that works, because _Peter_ is scared of _her_," Sirius said, regaining a little of his hold on himself. "You'd make a beautiful couple. As for the two of you – Remus, you don't like anyone, do you?"

"I might," Remus said, his ears turning red.

"Who?" Sirius demanded. "Who do you like?"

"No one," Remus corrected himself hastily. "It won't work."

"Oh, do you mean…her?" I asked, catching on.

"Yes, I mean her." I had never seen Remus so uncomfortable, or so sad, really.

"Who is 'she'?" Peter and Sirius inquired simultaneously.

"No one," Remus and I answered back simultaneously.

Silence.

Then – "What had we been talking about?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing important," Remus said. "Now finish your breakfast, please."

"Yes, mother," Sirius said, snickering, as he put more porridge into his nose.

"Would it kill you to eat properly, Sirius?" Remus inquired, looking in distaste at Sirius's nose, which was leaking with grayish slop.

"Yes." Sirius gave a hearty sniff and turned back to Remus. "Is that a problem?"

"Of course it's a problem!" Remus exploded. "That's disgusting!

"I'm not asking _you_ to do it!" Sirius exploded right back. "What's wrong with putting porridge in your nose? We've already had this discussion!"

"You know, you two sound just like a married couple," Peter remarked.

"We do not," Sirius and Remus snapped at him at the same time.

I laughed. "Well, either way, it's my birthday, and I want to request that you two stop fighting. Remus, it's not that big of a deal if Sirius wants to put porridge into his nose. Sirius…quit being sensitive."

"I stand corrected – _you're_ my mother, Prongs, not Remus," Sirius said, snickering. "Remus can be my wife instead."

Peter chuckled, but Remus threw Sirius a filthy look. "Sirius, don't be absurd."

"No, really Moony, I love you." Sirius batted his eyelashes. "Run away with me – we can get married in France tomorrow."

Remus rolled his eyes and continued to eat his toast, though I did notice his ears were still rather red. Sirius forgot about taunting him then, and began to go into details about the party, but I was more interested in the girls that began to come in groups, giggling, and wishing me a happy birthday. Parcel after parcel was dropped into my lap, and if it wasn't a parcel, it was a tiny bag with five to ten Galleons in it. Otherwise, I got kisses – I counted about six. The rumor is that I got eleven, but it's not true – six kisses (terrible ones at that) was where it stopped.

I was mostly watching Lily all day, but she never really looked my way; she talked to Leila, or simply did her work in silence. That slightly irritated me – though it did sound kind of arrogant, I did feel hurt that she hardly acknowledged my birthday after all I'd done for hers. However, I couldn't dwell on that too much; Regina continued her quest to hang on to me as tightly as she possibly could. When she saw me in first period, she threw her arms around me and hugged me so hard I was scared for my rib cage.

"Jamesie! Happy birthday, baby!" she said, smiling broadly at me.

"Erm, thanks Gina," I said awkwardly, feeling myself blush.

"I have your birthday kiss," she said, her smile widening even more, if it was possible. "Would you like it right now?"

Before I could protest, though, she came forward and kissed me powerfully on my lips. It was horrible, and even if I tried to push her off of me, she kept on going! I should've reported her for sexual harassment – it was beyond revolting having to kiss her that way.

When she finally got off of me, she laughed. "I love kissing you; you're so good at it."

I was? "I am?" I asked, taken aback.

She nodded. "Yes; very good. Now come here, you – sit with me." With that, I was hauled to Regina's desk, where I was forced to sit next to her for the entire period. I stole countless glances at Lily, who was still with Leila. She was always with that girl – I couldn't see why. Leila was nice enough, but was she so great that she was worth hanging around with all the time? I had never thought so; I wonder what Lily saw in her.

Anyhow, my morning was all right, with lessons I ignored, friends I talked to, and most of the school wishing me a happy birthday, but it was at lunch that things really changed up a bit. I had a bunch of girls surrounding my spot; they were there because they wanted to tell me happy birthday, but the journey to my seat was mostly to flirt with Sirius, which amused him. Whatever. I ate my breakfast quietly until I saw Lily walk towards my spot. I made Sirius get rid of the girls (which he did grudgingly) and grinned up at Lily's beautiful face; her emerald eyes were my favorite out of all the eyes in the school.

"Hey," she said. "Happy sixteenth birthday." Why was she so awkward? Didn't she know that I would give my front teeth for her to spend a full day with me?

"Thanks," I said. Then I smirked and asked her, "Where's my present?"

My comment earned me a spank on my arm. "You are so rude," Lily scolded playfully. "As it is, I didn't have a present I could wrap for you."

Hopeful at once, I inquired, "Is it a kiss?"

"No," she said. "It's a service – almost like your coupons; I will do any _one_ thing for you today only."

"_Anything_?" I was only teasing her; I wasn't going to ask for anything that would make my sweet little Lily uncomfortable – I loved her too much for that – but alarm bells went off in her head right away.

"Yes, but with a few exceptions," Lily said. "Firstly, you may not drag me into your bed against my will. Secondly, I am not going to tell you that I love you, and I am certainly not going to mean it. Thirdly, going along with the first thing, I am _not_ going to take my clothes off."

With a fake-sad expression, I said, "Then I'll have to think carefully about this. Am I allowed that kiss I thought you were going to give me though?" Though she hated it when I tried to kiss her, I knew I would like to keep that option open.

"You might be." That was all she said about it; she merely walked right back to Leila without another word to me. It was a little disheartening, but I still turned to my friends eagerly.

"What did Evans want?" Sirius asked interestedly.

"She wanted to tell me happy birthday, and that she would do any one thing for me today," I told all three of them. "What should I ask her for?"

Sirius opened his mouth, but I cut him off. "She said I'm not allowed to bring her into bed, make her take her clothes off, or make her say 'I love you' and mean it." Sirius closed his mouth again, disappointed, and I turned to Remus and Peter.

"I really don't know," Remus said. "What do you want the most from Lily, James?"

"I want her to kiss me, but I'm not allowed to," I said. "I want her to be my girlfriend too – do you think she'd say yes to that?"

"No," Peter said. "She'll hex your ears off like she did when we were in second year – do you remember that?"

"Vividly," I said with a scowl. "Okay…hmmm…what do I want most from her?"

"I'd say to hell with the exceptions – take her clothes off," Sirius said, shrugging.

"Sirius, that's disgusting," Remus chastised. "Don't say things like that."

"Sorry, sweetie," Sirius said lazily.

Remus looked at him with revolted confusion. "Excuse me?"

"You're my wife, remember?" He grinned. "What should I call you then? Do you prefer 'babe'?"

"This may sound a bit strange, but I prefer just being called Remus or Moony," he said sarcastically.

"Aww, you're boring," Sirius complained. "I want a divorce."

Remus rolled his eyes (his ears were still so red though – I didn't know why) and shifted his attention back to me. "Well James? What do you want from Lily?"

"I really just want her to be happy," I said honestly. "Should I tell her that I want her to be happy for my birthday?"

"No," Peter said at once. "That sounds tacky."

"Yeah, listen to Peter because Peter would know everything about what's cool and what's not," Sirius said, smirking.

Remus gave Sirius a dangerous look but said to me, "Yes, if that's what you really want from her. I think that's rather sweet; I'd like to see that girl smile a little bit more."

"It's tacky," Peter insisted.

"I think it's perfect," I said shortly. "I'll tell her later though – right now we have to get to class if we don't want a detention."

"Sounds good," Remus said, standing up. "C'mon Sirius."

"You're not my wife anymore – you can't order me around," Sirius informed him.

"You didn't listen to me when I was your 'wife' and you won't listen to me now, but I thought I'd ask anyway," Remus said.

"Good point," Sirius said. "I think I'll come with you anyway. Just because I'm a great ex-husband." He stood up and grinned amiably, but Remus ignored him and walked with Peter. Sirius walked with me; he was still chortling away at his joke of marriage, and I decided to enjoy it with him – after all, it had been rather entertaining to watch.

Finally, after a long day of classes, I went to the common room to do the job I had been waiting to do for hours – find Lily and tell her what I wanted for my birthday. I looked around for her, and eventually, I found her and took her off to the side with me.

Once we were standing there, waiting for me to say something, I couldn't talk; I wasn't sure how to start the conversation. What could I say – Lily, I'm in love with you and for my birthday I want you to be happy? That would be tacky, as Peter said. I had to be a little diplomatic; Lily liked smart guys.

"Yes?" she prompted after a few moments.

"Well, I've been thinking a lot about that service of yours," I started off.

"And…?"

"And I know what I want," I said, proud that I had finished my sentence.

Lily was less fulfilled, but she still asked, "What is it?"

I gazed into her thin, pale, heart-shaped face for what felt like hours, and told her that for my birthday, all I wanted was for her to be truly happy.

This took her by complete surprise. "What?"

"I just want you to be happy," I said again, watching her tenderly.

"You mean you're not going to ask me to do anything obnoxious?" It was almost insulting how flabbergasted she was by that point.

"No," I said.

Then she proceeded by asking me a series of things I wasn't going to want for my birthday – kissing her, a 'real gift,' going out with her, taking study breaks – but I just smiled and said no, I wasn't going to make her do those things. All I'd ever wanted was for her to be happy, and now I'd told her; hopefully she'd do it.

"Boy, what is wrong with you? Stop being so sweet; not taking advantage of this situation is not like you!" Her voice was commanding – she was actually requiring me to answer. I found that rather laughable.

I chuckled. "I love you, so I value your happiness above anything else. You're pretty touchy lately – I just want you to genuinely smile and have a good time. Can you do that for me?"

She smiled at me, making me smile as well. "Yes, I can."

"Thank you," I said.

"Happy birthday." She was about to hug me, but neither of us could find a way to make our bodies fit together, since we'd never done it before. That meant we just shook hands and scooted away as quickly as possible so that we wouldn't have to have an awkward moment. I went back to Sirius, Remus, and Peter, and they eagerly asked me how Lily took my request.

"She was really stunned – too stunned, really," I said coolly. "But it doesn't matter – she said she'd do it. Now what else is going on?"

I wasn't in the mood to discuss Lily, for the first time ever, and I wasn't even sure why – it was probably because I was confused by the look in her eyes when I said I wanted her to be happy. It was as though the usual layer of hostility had melted away, leaving a rawer, more sensitive side of her exposed – I had rarely seen such a phenomenon, and I wanted to be alone to think about it. I had excused myself to my dormitory after about five minutes of chatting about nothing with the Marauders, and that's where I am now. I think I'm getting to the real Lily Evans now – the one that I had fallen in love with, and the one that might possibly love me back.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I really hope that this is my breakthrough – that soon, she'll tell me what I want to hear and make everything all right again.

The party that was scheduled to be in the common room is right now though, and I can hear Sirius banging on the door, asking what the hell I'm doing and why I'm not outside having fun. I'd best go attend to that; Sirius gets antsy when I'm not dancing and having a good time, because if I'm alone too long, he reckons I'm doing something boring.

Sirius has a hard time sitting still for a long period of time. Surprises, right? Ha.

So I'll write again later – maybe. I still hate this book with a passion, and I don't like using it. However, I promise that the next time something major happens with me and Lily, I'll write about it.

Are you happy now, Moony?

_A/N: No, I didn't write about the party – length issues and laziness were the two main reasons why. :P But anyhow, review and let me know what you thought! I know it was a little cheesy, but whatever; you could probably see why it had to be that way. So…click the button and give me motivation to write the next chapter faster. :P_


	39. The Many Consequences of Pranking

_A/N: Change of plans here; my wonderful reader __**Rider Arya Svit-kona **__pointed out in a review that I should probably do an April Fool's Day entry. I started thinking, yes, I should! So here it is. The next entry is going to be on April 11__th__, and that is not going to change. :P_

_Sorry about the delay with this one, by the way. I'm still alive – I just had that damn writer's block again…_

_Side note: Feelings Show, by Colbie Caillat, is beyond perfect for Lily at the moment. :) For James, the song All About Us, performed by T. A. T. U. but written by The Veronicas, works pretty well. For a brief bit, Everytime We Touch, by Cascada, works too. :)_

**Lily**

April 1st

Dear Diary,

Happy April Fool's Day.

Ugh, I hate this holiday so, so much; even more than Valentine's Day, if it's possible. I mean, really; it's so horrible to go around pranking people all day just because you can. Hogwarts students are even worse though, because they take it too far – sometimes, it becomes just plain cruel. When you throw in the Marauders, who take every opportunity to inflict disaster, you're set for trouble. That is, in essentials, what happened today; too much trouble.

Take today at breakfast, for example. Leila and I were walking in super late so that we could grab something and go when we saw Regina Masters screaming her arse off, covered in Stinksap and dung. Leila laughed outright at her, but I stifled my giggles as I got myself a peach. I knew right away that it was James's doing, as did Leila, but I wasn't going to rat them out – I loved James, and I didn't want him in trouble for something that had been waiting to happen since the day Regina had been born. Leila, of course, would die before she got those boys in trouble. Still, it was a mad start to an insane morning, which was my point.

But later, after that incident, I was walking down the third floor corridor with Leila this afternoon during our lunch hour – we had eaten early and were simply pacing to occupy ourselves. I couldn't sit still; I had to be in motion. Why? Because whenever the subject of James Potter came up, I had to diagnose myself with verbal diarrhea; I often got far too spirited, and had to pace in order to keep from exploding. Leila was bored too – walking worked for the both of us. Talking about James, of course, worked for her as well.

"Why don't you like him?" she demanded halfway through our walk. "He is perfectly darling; he was so sweet to you on his birthday, even."

"That was not my fault," I argued. "I didn't ask him to tell me what he did – it was his own thinking process!"

"Which makes it all the more darling," Leila said. "Lily, he is _so_ adorable, and _so_ nice to you, and _so_ perfect – why in the name of Merlin don't you like him?"

"Because he's not my type!" I exploded. "He's every single bloody thing I'm not – or will ever be, for that matter – and he won't like me at all once he spends any amount of alone time with me! He only likes me right now because I'm something he can't get. Once the challenge is gone, he'll hate me, and I'd never be able to take my third lost boyfriend in one year!"

Leila's gaze was surprisingly gentle as she held my hand. "Is that all you're afraid of? That he won't love you after he knows you a little more?"

"It isn't as trivial as you make it sound," I said with a sniff. "But I don't even love him, so I don't have to worry about it."

She rolled her eyes and smiled slightly, though her eyes were still tender. "Lils, please; just tell me now – do you love him or not?"

I could have told her then – I could have told her everything. We were alone, and we had the time; all I had to do was find some gut in me and tell her that I loved James Potter. She would squeal, celebrate, go ballistic etc., and I'd have a huge secret off my chest – it was perfect. But of course I didn't tell her; I simply turned my head the other way so that she wouldn't see in my face that I was lying.

However, something happened then that completely distracted me from my torturous thoughts of James; it was James himself, accompanied by Sirius and Peter, chasing Severus Snape down the corridor. They brushed by Leila and I without even noticing us, which made Leila and I exchange extremely befuddled glances.

"Should we follow?" Leila asked.

"Of course," I said. "I'm a prefect – I'm supposed to put a stop to their shenanigans."

"Oh, how could I forget?" Leila laughed. "Come on; let's go."

So, together, we sprinted down the hall towards where we saw Potter, Black, and Snape go, and once we finally arrived at the Entrance Hall, panting, we found the three of them. Sirius was standing over Severus with a triumphant grimace, James was glaring at him, Peter was laughing, and Remus was nowhere to be seen – it wasn't anything new. I walked towards them and looked down at Snape; when I did, I gasped.

They had made a mess of him! He was completely covered in a strange layer of neon-green goop, sickly purple tentacles were sprouting everywhere, antlers were atop his head, his legs were obviously under a Jelly-Legs Curse, he had some kind of tail on his behind, and he was unable to move or speak. I rounded on James, Sirius, and Peter, furious.

"What have you done?" I demanded.

"Happy April Fool's Day, Lils," Sirius chirped, grinning at me.

I rolled my eyes, but kept my jaw set harshly in his direction. "First of all, don't call me Lils. Secondly, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm _not_ amused."

"Relax, Lily," Peter said lazily. "It's funny."

Leila took a look at Snape then, made a face, and said, "Eew! If you wanted to play a prank, why couldn't you have done it in a slightly less disgusting fashion?"

"It's not funny at all, we're sorry," Peter said automatically.

Leila gave him a confused look, as did the rest of the boys and me. Peter shrugged, turned pink, and declined further comment. I then continued to gaze angrily at Sirius.

"Honestly, you three, what did he do?" I asked. "Or did you just need someone to torture since it's April Fool's Day?"

"Well, both," Sirius said matter-of-factly. "But as it was, Snivelly was eavesdropping on a private conversation; we were in a classroom with the door closed, Peter had to go to the loo, opened the door, and we find this bit of filth outside, listening for all he was worth. I got pissed; can you blame me?"

"Funny as it is, I can," I said. "You should have reported it to a teacher."

"As if we'd ever do that!" Sirius snorted. "It's easier, funner, and more efficient."

"Erm, Sirius, funner isn't a word," I told him.

"It is now," Sirius declared. "Funner, funner, funner; what will you do now, Evans?"

"I'll wonder why on earth we pretend you have a functioning brain," I said. "As for you, Potter – what do you have to say about this?" My heart skipped a beat as I whipped around to look at his beautiful, beautiful face, which was, at that moment, smirking at me.

"Lily, don't lose any sleep over it," he said easily. "We took care of Snivelly – now you don't have to deal with him yourself. Now just stop worrying your pretty little head about him and get going – you probably have better things to do today."

I was taken aback by his statement, yet at the same time, I was even more struck by how much he cared about me – his remark had been idiotic on every degree, but I still thought it was sweet that he thought he was somehow helping me by torturing Severus Snape. I didn't let that show though; I simply looked at him, and after a bit, I spoke.

"Well, James, it's my job to ensure that you don't do anything wrong, which you have," I said. "I'm afraid I'll have to report you to Professor McGonagall."

"If you really want to, then do it," he said. "Either way, we got what we wanted."

"Don't be a tattletale, Evans," Sirius added. "It's not good for a girl as sexy as you are."

Leila burst out laughing at that one while I felt the color rise in my cheeks. "Well, Black, I'm going to have to, because using hexes like these on a student isn't allowed."

"This is hysterical, but I really need to get going," Leila said. "See you later, Lils."

"Bye Leils," I said, sorry to see her go – I hated being alone with James when his friends were around. "As for you, Black – like I said, those hexes aren't permitted, and I'm going to have to get you reported."

"But I paid you a compliment," Sirius told me, aggravated.

"Yes, so?"

"You're supposed to let me off the hook," he said as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. "That's always worked with other girls."

"Well, I'm not 'other girls'," I said. "I am me, and I say that you're going to be in trouble – possibly a week of detention."

"You're too excited about that fact," Peter accused.

"Maybe I am," I said. "But either way, I'm going to need this mess on Severus cleaned up. One of you has to do it."

"Not me," Sirius and James said at the same time.

"I don't want to do it," Peter complained.

I sighed; this was going to be rather difficult. But then I remembered my coupons that James had given me for my birthday; I could use one of them. I picked randomly, and I ended up with the Sirius one – I smiled brightly towards him and then said, "Sirius is going to do it."

"And what makes you sure of that?" Sirius asked, eyebrows raised.

"Because I have coupons from my birthday left over," I said, waving one of them in his face. "You have to do what I say, and I say that you're going to clean up Severus; when you're done with that, you're taking him up to the Hospital Wing so that Madam Pomfrey can took a look at him, and then accompany me to Professor McGonagall to turn yourself in."

"There's no way in hell I'm doing that," Sirius refused, repulsed.

"There apparently is," I said, grinning as I showed him the coupon again. "James said I can use these for whatever I want, and that's what I want."

"She's right," James confessed. "Sorry Pads."

"Ugh," Sirius said disgustedly. "Damn you and your stupid attempts at wooing this bitch, Prongs."

I made a face at him. "I'm not a bitch, Sirius."

"Yes, you are," Sirius said. "A bitch who kisses good."

"It's 'kisses _well_,' you idiot," I said, rolling my eyes.

"See! There you go," he said. "That was super bitchy."

"No it wasn't," I said. "It was just me correcting your terrible grammar."

Sirius gave me the finger, but he sorrowfully took his wand out, muttered a few countercurses, and then let Snape stand up.

"Bastard," Snape spat at Sirius.

Peter stuck his tongue out, James tensed up, obviously ready to fight him, but Sirius waved his wand and extinguished Snape's voice. "I'm allowed to do that much, aren't I?" he asked me sarcastically.

"You deserved the insult, but I suppose you are," I retorted.

"Oh thank you," he said, rolling his eyes. He waved his wand once more to tie Snape up in rope and then drag him across the stone floor. Unable to scream, Snape thrashed around in his restraint to show his pain. All Sirius did was smirk and take care to tread on his fingers as he walked. I sighed, and then took out a small chocolate bar from my pocket.

"Peter, go follow him and make sure he does what I've said. I'll give you this chocolate if you do," I tried to tempt him.

Peter took the chocolate from my hand, inspected it, and nodded. "Okay. But only because I like this brand of chocolate."

"Thanks," I said. I let him follow Sirius down the corridor and turned to face James; it was just us two in the corridor.

"Happy April Fool's Day, Miss Evans," he said with a mock bow.

I kept my face as emotionless as I could; I'd had the strong urge to laugh hysterically and tell him that I loved him, and I couldn't possibly let him know any of that. He looked quizzically at me, trying to read my expression; I took pleasure in the fact that he couldn't, because that meant I wasn't an open book – I preferred an air of mystery rather than complete openness.

"Lils, are you all right?" he asked me. "You look…strained."

It was true; I was strained trying to hide my feelings from him. "I do?" It was best to play innocent in such situations.

"Yeah," he said. "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Yes, there was – but I would need three weeks to tell him all that I wanted to. "No," I told him. "There's nothing you need to know."

"Why do I get the sense that I'm not getting the whole story here?" Though his expression and tone of voice were playful, I knew from that glint in his eyes that he was being perfectly serious.

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe you're mistaken." Was it just me, or did I sound unintentionally flirty?

James reached his hand out to touch my face, and the moment his cool fingers brushed by my heated cheeks, I felt an electric shock go through me. The shock was followed right by a shiver down by back, and chills down my arms; it was wild, but it felt more wonderful than anything I'd ever felt before. And, if there was any moment during our entire conversation where I was almost positive that my feelings had begun to show, it was then; I could feel myself look at him with that unappeasable longing that I nursed around all the time.

He came closer to me, still stroking my cheek, and opened his mouth to say something, but at that very moment, Sirius bounded in.

"I turned myself in for you, just like you asked," he said, sounding quite displeased by that fact. "I've got myself a week of detention, just like you had wanted."

James's hand fell from my face, and he stepped away from me to turn to his best friend in sympathy. I swallowed thickly, trying to make my throat cooperate with me again, and made myself throw Sirius an exultant look.

"How does it feel being a good, honorable human being for probably the first time in your life?" I inquired.

"Lovely," Sirius said sardonically.

"Lily, where's my chocolate?" Peter ran in then, his hand outstretched and waiting for the candy. "I need that to give me energy to play more pranks today."

I gave him the bar resignedly, but then said, "Don't cause too much trouble, because I can easily report you guys again."

Ignoring me, Peter took his chocolate and ran up to the common room with Sirius, presumably to plan their next 'joke.' James, who was looking highly irate since his friends had burst in on our moment, apologized.

"Sorry," he said. "Peter and Sirius…their timing is just incredible."

"It's okay," I murmured. "I-I have to go though." I bit my lip as I looked him in the eye. "See you later."

James put his hand in his hair to ruffle it up like he always did when he was annoyed or when he wanted to show off, more irate than before, and said, "Bye, Lily."

I couldn't leave him like that; I just couldn't. Cautiously, I stepped towards him, and I put my arm out, trying to find a way to hug him or touch him or do something else along those same lines. My hand went to his hair (which was much softer than I had anticipated, by the way), and went down to the side of his face, to his jaw. When I was at his chin, I realized how embarrassing this would be later; coming back to my senses, I took my hand away at once, chewing at my lips hard, as though this would somehow erase what I'd done. James was motionless, his eyes calculating, boring into mine. I turned my head away to avoid evaluation and tore off down the corridor, not wanting to linger any longer.

As I ran, I was incensed with myself. Why had I done that? Why in the world had I all but screamed at him that I loved him? It was beyond stupid! I should've just left, but of course I didn't; I just had to go and bloody touch him. Ugh; I hated myself more than I could possibly write down – I wasn't supposed to stroke him! Damn, damn, damn; this was terrible. It would only be a matter of time before the whole world would know how much I loved him, which would, of course, destroy me. Stupid bloody James Potter. Why did I have to fall in love with _him_?

Anyhow, I've been in my dormitory since that incident. I know that James has been causing trouble all over the school with his friends, but that doesn't matter to me; Remus is a prefect, and he can deal with them. Leila and I did our homework together while talking about nothing, as we normally did. I kept trying to avoid thinking about what had happened with James earlier; it was so embarrassing, and I could only wish he'd forget about it too.

Knowing my luck, I highly doubt that he'll forget any time soon.

Despite my resolutions though, I have been thinking constantly about James and how he looked at me when I had touched him. It was as though he knew something that I hadn't wanted him to know – that was a very real possibility, but it was as though everything had made sense to him at that very moment, and he was going to come for me at any second to ask me about it. His eyes…my goodness, I had never seen them so intense. They could have been seeing right through me and reading my very soul; it felt as much.

I wanted him more than he could ever imagine. That had been established long ago, but never confessed. I wanted every part of him that he'd give me – it physically pained me to think about him and then realize I wouldn't ever let myself have him. I lie across my bed, wishing he was there with me – next to me, on top of me, it didn't particularly matter where – and then my stomach would hurt. I was nothing without him there to force my personality out; why couldn't I find the ability to let myself have what I wanted? It wasn't fair; girls committed sins like adultery to get what they wanted, but when love had found me and graced me with the perfect situation, I _still_ couldn't get it right. Not only was that sort of ungrateful, it was downright pitiful.

Pitiful Lily Evans. Hmmm…has a ring to it.

Anyway, so I'm going to bed right now; it's only seven, and I've not finished my work yet, but I don't care right now. April Fool's Day sucks, the whole idea of love sucks, and I just want to sleep. Sleeping helps; sleeping ensures that I won't have to think about the matter I'm trying to avoid for a little while longer.

While avoiding things may be a bad thing _some_times, this isn't one of those times.

**James**

April 1st

Dear Diary,

Today was April Fool's Day! It's one of my favorite holidays, besides Christmas, Lily's birthday, my birthday, and Halloween, and once I explain what I was up to, it'll be obvious why I feel that way.

I should have woken up slowly at seven thirty in the morning, like I normally do, but not today – not April Fool's Day. No; I was woken up at five AM by Sirius flipping me upside down and shouting with laughter at my misfortune. Peter was sporting a huge, pus-filled boil on his forehead and Remus – good old Remus who no one ever pranked because it was just plain cruel to tease someone as joke-naïve as he was – was still asleep. Sirius guffawed like a maniac as he threw me back on my bed; he was having far too much fun.

"You should have seen your face, Prongs!" he shouted, hardly able to breathe for his laughter. "Hysterical!"

"Yes," I said through gritted teeth, forcing an evil smile on my face. "It would probably be about as funny as this." I grabbed my wand, flicked it once, and hosed Sirius down with water – it not only made him fall over, but it soaked him completely. Now it was my turn to guffaw like a maniac, and Peter joined me, eager to share in my joy at Sirius's misfortunes because of the boil he had been given.

"Nice one, Prongs," Sirius told me, grinning, as he stood up and dried himself with his wand. "Happy April Fool's Day."

"Same to you, Padfoot," I said, grinning back as I waved my wand at Peter to make his boil go away; he grinned with us only then, which I found rather amusing. We watched Remus sleep peacefully for a little while before Peter asked if we were going to wake him up as cruelly as he and I had been woken up.

"Nah," Sirius said. "Let him sleep."

"You didn't let _us_ sleep," I objected playfully, throwing a pillow at him. "Bastard."

Sirius smiled lazily and yawned. "Moony would murder me if I tried to wake him up early. He's so bloody boring, that boy. Do you two want to get some breakfast from the kitchens?"

"Sure," I said. "Let's go."

I grabbed my wand (it was April Fool's Day, I explained to Sirius – anything could happen) and dashed out the door with my friends. Sirius ran ahead of Peter and I, but that worked to my advantage; stealthily, I followed him, and I picked a spot he was approaching to cast a Trip Charm. I whispered the few chosen words, and instantly when Sirius went near the area I had hit, he fell flat on his face. Peter and I roared with laughter and high-fived each other while Sirius smirked grimly at us.

"Hysterical," he said. "Now come on – I'm hungry!"

I rolled my eyes, grinned, and continued to walk with him; when Sirius was hungry, there was nothing in the world that would distract him from getting something to eat. I should have known.

After a hearty breakfast provided willingly by the Hogwarts house elves, I noticed that it was time for breakfast with the other students. I pointed this out to Sirius, who was munching on a cookie (desserts counted as breakfast for him – something that Remus didn't like too much), and he simply shrugged.

"Great – we get to eat more," he said.

"That's the attitude," Peter said warmly.

I snorted. "You could wipe out all the food in England between the both of you," I remarked.

"I'd have done that earlier, but I can't; women like muscular men, not fat ones," Sirius explained.

"Why are you so obsessed with girls?" Peter asked.

"Because, young Pete, women can provide some of the best pleasures life has to offer," Sirius told him mysteriously. "Maybe you should ask Leila out and you can see what I'm talking about."

"Why are you guys always ragging on me about her?" Peter whined. "It's not fair! I mean, I hardly even like her; that just kind of…slipped out."

"We rag on you because it's fun, Wormy," Sirius said, patting his head affectionately. "We're just messing with you. But if you do like that Patterson, it's okay – we don't care."

"I'd actually be glad," I added. "You'd get her off my back for me."

"You can ask her today," Sirius said suddenly. "Yeah! It can be an April Fool's joke if she refuses you, but otherwise, you've won yourself a date!"

"No," Peter refused. "I am not asking Leila Patterson out on a date – never."

"Tell you what," I said. "The day I get Lily Evans to go out with me, you have to ask Leila out."

"Oh, thank goodness," Peter said with relief.

"What?"

"You're never going to get Lily to go out with you – I'm safe," Peter said, smiling confidently. "That is the best deal you've ever made with me, Prongs."

I rolled my eyes at him and smirked. "Funny, Wormtail – very funny. Anyway, so where's Moony?"

Sirius scanned the area around us, then the Great Hall. "He's at the table," he reported. "Eating."

"Are we going to prank him?" Peter wanted to know.

"Maybe," I said. "Sirius, what do you say?"

Sirius thought for a good two minutes before saying, "No. We're not pranking Moony."

"Why not?" Peter and I asked at the same time.

"Look at him," Sirius said, pointing at Remus. "It's almost cruel to play a joke on a defenseless guy eating his breakfast. And he's one of our best friends too – we're Marauders."

"I'm a Marauder and look what you did to me this morning," I pointed out. "You're most defenseless when you're sleeping too."

"I just don't want to prank Moony," Sirius said, blushing very, very slightly. It was so slight that I wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn't known him about as well as I knew myself. I gave him a questioning look, but he simply ignored me and said, "We're not pranking Remus – end of discussion."

Peter was about as stunned as I was. "Sirius, you've never ended a discussion on pranking someone – are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine," Sirius said shortly. "Now c'mon; I want to do the classic bucket-of-water-over-the-head trick to Regina."

"Excellent," I said, grinning. "But isn't that a bit unoriginal?"

"Fine," Sirius said, sighing. "We'll fill it with Stinksap instead of water."

"Then I have a valid excuse not to kiss her today!" I nodded, pleased. "Let's do it."

Sirius laughed. "Everyone wins! Now c'mon; I'm itching to get that bitch."

"Now her, you can call a bitch," I told him. "Just don't call Lily that."

"Well, they're both bitches in their own rights, so I'll do what I like," Sirius informed me. "Now get me Stinksap."

"Here." Peter removed a few Dungbombs from his pocket and handed them to Sirius. "Get it out of there."

"Right." Sirius took the bombs, opened them up, and aimed carefully at Regina. He muttered a spell under his breath, and the sap and dung shot towards her, drenching her in the filth. Her friends began to squeal as Regina started to throw an almighty fit in front of everybody; it was quite a sight. Sirius, Peter, and I began to roll on the floor with our laughter; the best part was that no one had seen us – not even Moony, who was trying to take care of her, since he was a prefect – so we'd gotten away with it! Lily and Leila were nowhere to be seen; otherwise I was sure Lily would have accused us of our crime right away. She's just got it in for me that way.

After a few minutes though, Remus came outside and found us, looking rather cross. "Guys, why did you throw Stinksap at her?" he asked. "That wasn't nice."

"It's April Fool's Day," Sirius reminded him. "We're not supposed to be nice."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Sirius, please; I don't want to have to get you detentions for playing juvenile tricks."

"What's wrong with you, Moony?" Peter inquired. "I mean, you normally come with us and help us with this sort of stuff."

"Not today," Remus insisted. "Just don't do it, all right?"

"Sorry Moony, but we're going to do it," Sirius said. "This is the only day in the year when we're allowed to." He then took careful aim at Snivelly, who was leaving through the other side, and let the dung/Stinksap fly at him as well. When it drenched him, making everyone burst out laughing, Sirius grinned, satisfied. "Besides, this helps me with my aim," he added.

Peter and I doubled up with laughter as Remus glared at all of us. "Just don't do it again, all right guys?"

"Fine Moony," we mumbled at the same time.

But of course we didn't listen.

The rest of our day was spent in heavy pranking on anyone we knew – Dungbombs, Trip Charms, hexes of every sort, and plenty of wedgies. Wedgies are kid stuff, I know, but they're such fun! Especially when Sirius does them – he'll go up to a girl, pull her underwear up, and then stick his face straight in her neck. Then she'll either kiss him or slap him across the face – both have happened. Sirius's facial expressions don't help my hysterical laughter; they're always so foul when he's slapped or so excited when he's kissed, and that makes for high-quality entertainment.

I'm not going to detail all that we did, but in essentials, we were quite naughty, and we loved every minute of it.

However, our best prank of the day and one of the turning points of my life happened to day, at lunch time, and that's really what I want to write about. See, we were going to play another prank on Snivelly, since we adore him so, so much; Sirius, Peter, and I decided that Snivellus deserved to have more than one trick pulled on him – just for the hell of it. So we found him in the Entrance Hall on his way to lunch, and Sirius put a Trip Charm up for him. He fell right over, right on cue, and I gave him a slimy, tentacle-like tail on his rear. Peter laughed uncontrollably at what we'd done, which made Snape glare at us, infuriated.

"Bastards," he snapped at us. "What's your problem?"

"You," Sirius said simply, nudging his tail with his foot. "You're our problem, Snivelly. Do you know what today is?"

"April Fool's Day," he grumbled.

"Exactly," Sirius said, beaming. "Not as stupid as you look, eh, Snivellus? Yeah, it's April Fool's Day – that means we get to rag on you as much as we want."

"Don't you do that all the time anyway?" he asked, annoyed.

"Yes, we do, but today, we're allowed to." Sirius threw his head back and laughed. "Today is my favorite day of the year."

By that point, Snivelly had had it with us; he got up off the ground and shot a hex at Sirius and me. Peter dodged his somehow, but Sirius got a face-full of boils, and I got a cut that began to bleed.

He was dead.

Sirius went utterly ballistic; he shot Snivelly with every spell he could think of (besides the Unforgivables) while chasing him around the school. And, let me tell you, Sirius runs really fast when he's pissed. Snape tore off as fast as his legs would take him, but Sirius was never far behind – it was hilarious!

Peter and I ran after the two of them to watch their fight, but after a while, I got a bit tired – I Summoned my broomstick with my wand and rode after them. That meant that I not only had a good seat to watch the action from, I got to aim my own spells at Snivelly; could life get any better? Sirius and I did a fabulous job; by the time we got to the third floor, Snape was unable to go anywhere – we got to stand over him and laugh. Peter caught up to us eventually, and he joined in the laughter – April Fool's is, as Sirius says constantly, my favorite day of the year.

Eventually though, our fun was cut short; Lily Evans and her faithful sidekick (and Peter's crush) Leila Patterson came to the scene. Leila was amused (even if repulsed completely) by the whole deal, which I found awesome, but Lily – beautiful, lovely Lily who I love more than anyone in the world – did not. She glared at us in a way reminiscent to Snape's when we first attacked him, and she asked us what we did.

"Happy April Fool's Day, Lils," Sirius told her, exchanging a grin with me.

"First of all, don't call me Lils," she said. "Secondly, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm _not_ amused." She sounded so cute when she said it! I had to keep my mouth shut so that I didn't say anything that would piss her off; she was so easily pissed, my Lily was.

So she began to argue with Peter and Sirius for a little while, but I can't even remember what she said – I was just mesmerized by her eyes. They were flashing evilly, true, but she looked so damn sexy; it wasn't even fair. She had no idea how she looked when she was standing there, this fire in her face, ready to kill someone – so long as it wasn't me she wanted to slaughter, I liked seeing her like that. I liked seeing her taking charge for herself – it was nice, since I always got the feeling she was a little insecure. But, while I was mulling these thoughts over, Lily snapped me out of it by saying, "As for you Potter – what do you have to say about this?"

I smirked, just because I thought it would probably be appropriate for the conversation I hadn't heard, and said, "Lily, don't lose any sleep over it. We took care of Snivelly – now you don't have to deal with him yourself. Now just stop worrying your pretty little head about him and get going – you probably have better things to do today."

"Well, James," she said stoutly. "It's my job to ensure that you don't do anything wrong, which you have; I'm afraid I'll have to report you to Professor McGonagall."

"If you really want to, then do it," I told her. "Either way, we got what we wanted." What we had wanted was to torture Snivelly, but now that I had seen Lily, I wanted to just take something off her plate – she had enough going on, I was sure.

Of course, though, Sirius ruined it – he said, "Don't be a tattletale, Evans; it's not good for a girl as sexy as you are."

If Lily had turned the other way, I would have smacked him for saying that – had he completely lost it? How could he say something like that to her?!

Leila found this very funny, but Lily didn't. "Well, Black, I'm going to have to, because using hexes like these on a student isn't allowed," she said.

"This is hysterical but I really need to get going," Leila said. "See you later, Lils."

Lily bid her friend good-bye, but the moment she was finished, she went back to telling Sirius she would report him. Sirius tried to get his way out of it by complimenting her, but naturally, it didn't work out at all. She said that she needed someone to clean up the mess that was Snivellus Snape; all three of us refused to do it. Lily, however, was undaunted – she pulled out her Sirius coupon from her birthday and ordered him to clean Snape up, take him to the Hospital Wing, and then turn himself in.

"There's no way in hell I'm doing that," Sirius said, nauseated by the very idea.

"There apparently is, because James said I can use these for whatever I want, and that's what I want." Lily smiled serenely at him; she knew she would get what she wanted, and I loved the confidence – I hadn't seen much of it around these days. I wondered where it had come from; probably from goading us – she liked doing that.

"She's right," I agreed with her. "Sorry Pads."

"Ugh; damn you and your stupid attempts at wooing this bitch, Prongs," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"I'm not a bitch, Sirius," Lily informed him.

"Yes you are," Sirius countered. "A bitch who kisses good."

"It's 'kisses _well_,' you idiot," she corrected him.

"See! There you go; that was super bitchy," Sirius said, gesturing wildly.

"No it wasn't," Lily said. "It was just me correcting your terrible grammar." I could see from the tone of her voice that she thought Sirius was quite thick in the head; she was kind of right, so I didn't say much.

Eventually though, Sirius was sent off on his way with Peter (who Lily bribed with chocolate to make sure Sirius did his job right) and Snape, and I was left alone with Lily.

"Happy April Fool's Day, Miss Evans," I told her, bowing.

Then she gave me this weird look – it was like she was stopping herself from doing something. I knew roughly what it might mean, seeing as I had been doing that myself from years (trying not to snog the bloody hell out of Lily Evans every time I look at her is a very difficult feat, you know), so I asked her, "Lils, are you all right? You look…strained."

"I do?"

"Yeah," I said. "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

"No," she said a little too quickly. "There's nothing you need to know."

"Why do I get the sense that I'm not getting the whole story here?"

"I don't know," Lily said. "Maybe you're mistaken." It was odd when she said that though – it was as though she was implying, well, flirtation. I'd had such tactics used on me before from countless others. Was Lily Evans really flirting with me? I had to be dreaming.

Just to make sure I was indeed in the tangible world of the living, I reached my arm out to Lily's face. It was warm – probably because she'd been blushing so hard – and I loved the feel of it. She was so soft; I felt like I could break her apart with one blow too rough. I was intrigued by the look in her eyes too; it was as though she was trying hard to control something she didn't want me to see. I couldn't make heads or tails of it – what was going on?

I was about to ask her about it, since I was curious, but of course, at that very second, Sirius zoomed in to tell Lily (grudgingly) that he'd done what she had forced – ahem, asked – him to do.

I honestly could have killed him.

My hand came away from her face and I stepped back; I hoped Sirius would go away soon, so that I could be with Lily again. No such luck for a little while – Lily had to lecture Sirius, and soon Peter, about not doing such pranks again, and then let them off. I really didn't feel the need to listen to that conversation either; I simply waited for her to finish before saying, "Sorry; Peter and Sirius…their timing is just incredible."

"It's okay," Lily mumbled. "I-I have to go though. See you later."

How aggravating; the moment we were alone, she decided that she had to leave. I rumpled up my hair, just because I usually did that in such situations, and said, "Bye Lily."

She was about to leave and I was staring out into space, thinking about whether or not I should prank someone else later, but then Lily surprised me – she came towards me, something she normally didn't do if she could help it. Her arm stretched towards me, and she touched me.

No, I'm not kidding and no, I'm not fantasizing – she really touched me willingly.

She touched my hair and the side of my face softly, her fingers leaving chills in the path her hand took. She was so gentle, but cautious – she wasn't sure what she wanted or if she should even be near me, but she was doing it anyway, probably as an experiment.

I was perfectly okay with that.

However, after a minute or two, she minded; she took her hand away, looked once at me, and then ran. She just ran. Normally I would have been pretty annoyed – I hated watching Lily run away from me – but this time, I was still in shock. Sure, it was only a touch, but it had felt like infinitely more than that; it was like something was happening, something that would change everything. It felt right though; it felt like things were finally falling into place – were things really going my way? I hoped so.

I pondered this matter on my way to the common room; what if Lily Evans – my sweet, beautiful, wonderful Lily Evans – actually fell in love with me? What would happen? How would I react?

Well, if I was Sirius, she would probably be in my bed at any opportunity I was given. If I was Remus, I would take things extremely slowly and guardedly – I'd plan out every touch, every smile, every kiss before any of them ever happened, which is not only lame but just plain irritating; it's like, what are you afraid of? If I was Peter…well, Peter probably wouldn't have a love life, so I would do anything. But I'm me, James – what would _I_ do?

Quite frankly, I don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't want her to be away from me, of course, so I'd have to have her near me, but I would take it as far as she wanted to. If she wanted to kiss me, I would be more than happy to oblige. If she wanted to be there, not saying or doing anything, all the time, I'd hold her hand and watch the rain, even though I hate rain. If she wanted to be my friend – talk to me, laugh with me – I'd do that too. Just so long as she never just turned around and said that she was done with me, I didn't care what we did.

After that incident, I didn't do any more pranks, though Sirius and Peter did – I decided to go with Lily's request and not prank anymore. I'd had my fun, and I'd had the girl I loved touch me – that was enough for me to back down and do what I was told. Haha, I can just imagine the looks on the faculty's faces when they hear that I'll only listen to Lily, and not them.

There's no 'haha' about it.

But anyway, I can hear Sirius laughing harder than usual – he's had to have done something rude and horrible, so I'd better be there to laugh with him. I mean, what else are friends for?

No, wait, I'll come up with a better answer to that question later.

_A/N: Well, that chapter wasn't my best, but whatever; hope you liked it. But I must let you know; I'm entering the shadowy, misty realms of a place they call high school, so updates won't be as prompt as they normally are, thanks to the evilest of man's inventions – homework. Sorry about this, and I hope to get a chapter up every weekend if not sooner. Don't forget to review!_

_Side note: Five hundred reviews and still going! That is beyond amazing; you guys never cease to amaze me. I never knew this story would get the response it did, and I'm more than flattered that you guys are enjoying it. Thank you soooo much for your sweet reviews – you really don't know how much they mean to me. :)_


	40. Heart, Mind, and Soul

_A/N: The first part of this chapter (the part with Lily and James interacting) was inspired by one of my best friends, actually; she'll hate me to death for saying that, considering what happens there, but it was her I originally wrote it about…before promptly warping it to fit the angst of the moment. Haha. But, with that being said, enjoy. :P_

_Side note: Things I'll Never Say (Avril Lavigne) and Leave Me Alone (The Veronicas) were the main reasons (besides my friend, lol) that this chapter came out the way it did. :) For James, Are You Happy Now (Michelle Branch) and Crash World (Hilary Duff) helped tons._

**Lily**

April 11th

Dear Diary,

I don't know what James Potter means to me anymore – that's the simple truth of the matter I'm about to rant about for the next few minutes. I don't know; whatever I thought before – just forget it. What I'm about to write is what I really feel – for everything. All the good and all the bad. Just listen; it'll somewhat make sense after I'm done.

See, it all started today, I was in my dormitory, rotting.

Yes, I was rotting.

I felt quite odd; like I was trapped. I didn't like being trapped, of course, but generally when I feel trapped, I can get out all right. I can fight my way out whenever I'm being held down (though some instances take longer than others do) and it has served me well. But today, while I was rotting, I was stuck inside my own head, and there was no escaping it.

I had never felt so confined before; there was no escaping these thoughts. I couldn't get myself to move. I lay back on my bed, wanting to run, scream, and rage, but finding myself incapable of doing any of it. My head was pounding with a dull ache, but I couldn't cure it. I couldn't cure any of what I was thinking of.

There was only one thing I wanted – James. I yearned for him. I dreamed about him. I got ABC's concerning him. His eyes, his smile, his hair, his face, his mouth – it was painful how much I needed every bit of him. I could've bled to death with the hurt of it all. I could've cried out all the fluid within me. I wanted him so, so badly, but I wasn't going to get him.

That was another thing that made it worse – being trapped while being free. I could go to James any day and tell him how I felt. But I couldn't – I had either the opportunity or the guts. Even though I tried to be strong after everything that's been going on, I didn't have the last couple of nerves required to let myself admit how I felt to another human being. The irony of life – what was never supposed to happen, one of the few things I hadn't been prepared for, had happened to me anyway.

Did I mention how much I loathe irony?

All I've ever wanted was to be loved, as has been stated before. That's all anyone has ever wanted, but that doesn't exclude my longing at all; I want to settle down with the right guy and let everything fall into place. Despite that, I was afraid of loving blindly, and only gave my heart away quietly so that I could easily take it back when I wanted it. This year had been the year I really gave myself to another, and what had I got to show for it? A huge mess of heartbreak. I don't want to go through that again, and that was why I wasn't in James's arms and kissing him with a passion.

Fear and desire – those are the two things that were circling through my mind, tormenting me. When you mix them with lethargic restlessness, you get a contradicting jumble that makes your head throb. My sense of survival tells me to work so that I can avoid this, but I can't; nowadays, I do my work in class, or else I won't get it done – that's the exact opposite of how I was at the beginning of the year. I'm starting to lose my mind, diary, and what bothers me the most about that is I'm losing it to James Bloody Potter.

To try to clear my poor little brain, I decided to go outside and get some fresh air – I had been cooped up in the school for too long. I went outside and sat on the stone steps outside of Hogwarts, and I just thought. It was a beautiful day, but I was, of course, feeling somber and reflective; being outside helped considerably though. While I was there, however, James decided that he must come and sit beside me; was he spying on me or something? How did he always know just when not to find me?

"Hey Lily," he greeted me cheerfully. "How are you?"

"I was fine, up until just now," I told him moodily.

He smirked. "Well, though your sentiment was extremely sweet, I'm asking because you look a little worried. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

How the hell did he always do it? How did he always pick up on what I felt and ask me if I wanted to talk? It was as though he knew exactly what was going on in my mind; I still stand by my theory on Legilimency.

"No; not to _you_, anyway," I told him nonchalantly, taking care to add a certain inflection on the statement to make it sound exactly opposite to what was really going on in my head.

"Do I sense some lingering doubts coming from you, Miss Evans?" he questioned after a momentary pause.

Merlin, I wanted to murder him for being so bloody perceptive. Since when had James Potter been perceptive??

"Why yes, you do," I decided to tell him. I mean, he'd earned it, hadn't he?

"I wonder why that is," he mused. "I think that I've been reasonably well-behaved lately; wouldn't you say?"

I snorted. "Yeah, sure." That one I meant; he had, by no means, been well-behaved.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He pretended to look extremely offended, but I just gave him another smirk.

"You know very well what it's supposed to mean; why do you even ask?" Yeah, why did he ask? He usually knew the answer before I even thought of it myself.

He sighed. "Evans, can I tell you something?"

"I have a feeling I'm going to be told no matter what I say." It was so easy to snipe at him; I wondered why it was that way.

"You're right," he agreed. "But I need to tell you that I really do want to take you out some time. It doesn't have to be anything fancy; just a trip to The Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer would work. Please?"

"I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I know that it wasn't that," I murmured.

"I've tried to ask you out so many times, Lily! Can't you agree to _one_ of them? You may even have a good time; you won't know until you try though," he tried to convince me.

"No," I said curtly. "Not even if my life depended on it." Lies; it sickened me when I told such horrible lies, especially to him.

James licked his tongue with frustration. "Lily…"

"Don't say my name." I felt so awful and unworthy – I couldn't let him make my name sound like music, like he always did when he said it.

"Lils," he tried.

"_Stop it_."

"But that's not your name."

"It's a nickname – a type of name."

"That's not valid, _Lils_."

His teasing was cute, but I wasn't in the mood to take it – I asked him, "Are you _trying_ to get yourself injured?"

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I doubt it."

We stared at each other with cool eyes, daring the other to speak first. It ended up being James, of course.

"All right, well, another time then."

"Whatever." I hadn't meant it to sound as harsh as it came out, but after I had spoken, there was no taking it back. I wanted to kick myself; why did I always lose my head when James was around?

He then surprised me by stroking a lock of my hair. "You've got gorgeous hair," he complimented me.

I raised my eyebrow; he had obviously not seen it in its customary tumbleweed form in the morning before I attacked it with hair products. "Not really."

That made him smile. "Lily, you always have something negative to say. Why not anything positive?"

"Oh go away," I said, unwilling to take our conversation in that direction. It didn't come across rudely, like I'd wanted, though; it came out as something I might to say to Leila when she's annoying me (which does admittedly happen often); it just seemed to come out in a playful sort of way. Irony again – the time I wanted to be nonchalant, it came out badly, but when I wanted it to come out badly, it didn't. Why couldn't life cooperate with me?

He did catch the accidental teasing in my voice though; I knew it when he spoke again. "Are you _sure_ you want me to leave?" he asked, sounding almost flirty.

"If I wasn't, I wouldn't have said it," I pointed out waspishly.

He shrugged with an air of clear skepticism before getting up to join his friends. I was glad to see him go, but I was still thinking about how unusually…friendly our conversation had been; as you, my diary, know, that was _kind_ compared to some of the things I've said to him in the past.

It felt natural, in a way, when he had been talking to me. It felt like I was talking to a friend I'd once known, lost touch with, and found once again years later. That's why I think that we've become friends now. Not bosom friends, but just on-the-surface friends. I'm not going to tell him all my secrets or hang around with him for the fun of it or anything, of course – I'm still going to keep a wall of some sort between us no matter what he says or what I feel – but I suppose I'll be a _little_ bit nicer to him now.

I think that I will deeply regret this choice in a few days time, but I think I'll take the risk anyway.

I went back inside after that little incident, no longer happy outdoors, and I found Leila. She was lounging around in the common room, sipping a glass of water while doing her homework. When she saw me enter, she smiled and asked where I'd been.

"Out," I said. "How are you?"

"Fine," said Leila. "I saw James a minute ago though. He looked kind of pissed; did you say something to him?"

"Well, yes," I confessed. "I was outside, sitting on the steps, and he comes up and asks me if I'm all right."

"Aww, that's sweet of him," she said. "What did you say?"

"Simply put, I told him to bug off," I said.

Leila groaned. "Why the hell did you tell him that? He was trying to be nice."

"If he wanted to be nice, he would have left me alone," I insisted.

She rolled her eyes. "Lily, you're just being stupid right now. He loves you! Why can't you love him back?"

"Leils, love is not just a favor I can grant for him whenever I want," I said. "I believe in falling in love for real – heart, mind, and soul. I haven't felt like that about him just yet, and I won't be able to if you keep trying to push us together."

"I'm sorry," Leila said. "Really, I am, but you _belong_ with him. It's just one of those things that you inexplicably _know_; you can't explain it, you can't describe it – you just _know_. You're going to be together one day, you and James, and I have to keep pushing, otherwise you won't go forward or make a move. You've already fallen for him heart, mind, and soul, honey; stop denying it."

She had hit the truth; she didn't even know how much so. I sighed and I said, "My heart, mind, and soul still belong to me and I will never give them away to a cause as trivial as a man." Of course, James was the farthest thing from trivial, but I wasn't about to tell Leila that any time soon.

Leila pushed her papers aside, and the look she gave me was the most severe I had ever seen. She put her hand on top of mine, and she said, "Lily, there comes a time when things change completely. There are people we will meet during these changes – some good, some bad, and some that are disguised – who hide what side they're on by putting on a façade. In life, you have to take the good ones to heart and push the bad ones out – but, of course, it's not always that easy. James Potter is one of those good people in disguise – he doesn't seem to be someone you would like, but once you take a few minutes to talk to him, he just is. If you don't embrace him now, Lily, you're going to miss your one big chance. You can't run away from yourself – you know how you feel, even if you don't tell anyone. Go for him; spread your wings and fly."

I swallowed hard and bit my lip, unable to think of a response. Finally, I found my voice; "I don't want to fly," I whispered.

"Well, when you're ready to live again, let me know," she said coolly, packing away her things. "Bye."

She left, and when she did, I got the distinct impression that I'd somehow offended her. Maybe it was because she had really tried to give me advice – advice that was actually quite helpful – and I'd responded in the most cowardly way feasible. I wasn't sure; I just lay across the sofa, aggravated with myself, and pulled you out of my bag, like I always do when I'm feeling that way. What would I do without you, diary? Leila and James, both pissed in one day! New record for me, I'd reckon.

Oh, wait, no; at the Firehouse, I pissed off James, Leila, and Kyleigh too – _that_ was my record.

Geez, I really am a pitiful person, aren't I?

Anyway, I think that I'm just going to do exactly what I told Leila I would do – hide under my bed and hope everything goes away soon. In a perfect world, that tactic would work; things would be bright and sunny the moment I was ready to behave.

But, of course, we don't live in a perfect world; I mean, we can't be, if I'm here alone in the common room and James is off somewhere thinking I don't care about him when I do – I care about him more than is rational for a sixteen-year-old girl, and he doesn't even know it.

I just want to know though – why can't we live in a perfect world? Why can't things be bright and sunny like they used to be? And why in the name of Merlin can I not make myself just walk up to James Potter and tell him that I'm utterly obsessed with him and want to snog him until his lungs give out?

Answer that question for me, someone, and maybe this imperfect world of ours will redeem itself just a little bit.

**James**

April 11th

Dear Diary,

I'm at a point right now where I wonder why the hell I even try; Lily Evans really does hate me, and I can't do anything more about it – nothing.

Why am I so pessimistic and angry all of a sudden, you ask? Well, I think it's because today I found out that there are just some things in life that, though destined to work, won't. I thought I saw it flashed across the sky the first night I met her that we would be together, but I must have read it wrong; we weren't ever going to be together because she bloody hated me and still does. Everything I've been before this afternoon seems to be crashing down on me – my fame around the school, my many girlfriends, my athletic talents; they're the reasons Lily doesn't see me as a real person – they're the reason she thinks I'm just an over flirtatious prick when what I feel for her was and will always be something real. I wish I could start over and do everything right, but I know I can't. All I can do is try to move on and hope that one day, years in the future, Lily can spare a moment to think of me when she's out with her perfect husband and perfect family; it's the only thing I can think of to be with her somehow.

Unrequited love sucks on ice.

Out of everything I've ever wanted, it was Lily Evans that I've needed the most. That bloody girl is the reason I write in this damn diary; she is the reason I feel like I'm breaking apart at the seams, she is the reason I don't sleep, she is the cause of every major bout of misery I've suffered, she is the sole reason I want to exist, and what does she do about it? She gives me a sarcastic remark and blows me off. Just walks away without even looking back at me once and probably without giving a single thought to how I might be feeling. How can she just _do_ that? How can she not care at all about the way she's just destroyed me yet again? There are only so many times she can break my heart without breaking the rest of me along with it.

I don't know who I am anymore; I really don't. I was James Potter, the fantastic Quidditch player who dates like crazy while off the pitch, but now, I'm nothing. It's like I've been living the cover of a lie – that I've been one thing, thinking it's who I am, but found that there's more somewhere inside. It's weird (and cheesy) to say this, but I'm feeling like I've _found_ myself. I've found that there was a lot buried under my Quidditch glamour, but the problem is that now I don't know what to do with what I have. Am I supposed to give up what I've been doing before and find a new life at the age of sixteen? It's a bit too early to be having my mid-life crisis; what's wrong with me and how can I fix it?

The simple answer – Lily Evans. The more realistic answer – there is no answer at the moment, so try again later.

Now you probably want to know what actually happened, since I've ranted for quite a while now. Well, it was during the afternoon – it was nice out, and I had gone for a short walk. Actually, I'd wanted to admire the Quidditch field I wasn't allowed to play on just yet (we aren't allowed to play during the day – only during practice can we go out and play any Quidditch, which sucks), but the trip was, in essentials, just a walk. On my way back in though, I noticed Lily was sitting on the steps, looking rather moody. I can't resist her – of course I can't – so I went up to her and sat beside her.

"Hey Lily; how are you?" I asked her.

"I was fine, up until just now," she told me shortly.

"Well, though your sentiment was extremely sweet, I'm asking because you look a little worried. Is there anything you want to talk about?" It was just a simple question; I wanted to be of some use to her, rather than aggravate her, but I needed to know how I could help before I did anything. That was the reasoning for me asking – I swear it.

"No; not to _you_, anyway." She said it quite coldly; I was taken aback by the hostility. What had I done to deserve it? Asking questions was not against the law.

"Do I sense some lingering doubts coming from you, Miss Evans?" I asked her after that.

"Why yes, you do," Lily said snappishly.

"I wonder why that is," I said, trying out the mock-thoughtful approach in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. "I think that I've been reasonably well-behaved lately; wouldn't you say?"

"Yeah, sure," she said with a snort. How rude.

"What's the supposed to mean?" I had one last-ditch attempt at lightness.

"You know very well what it's supposed to mean; why do you even ask?"

I sighed; time to get to the point that had just come to me. "Evans, can I tell you something?"

"I have a feeling I'm going to be told no matter what I say."

"You're right," I said. "But I need to tell you that I really do want to take you out some time. It doesn't have to be anything fancy; just a trip to The Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer would work. Please?"

That, of course, started off a string of word games that pissed me off beyond belief. I'm not going to detail them, seeing as they're not important, but she is just so sassy! She always has something sarcastic to say, and it's always freely blunt – she doesn't give a damn about how I'm going to take it because she just assumes I won't care. How does she know that? She doesn't know me at all! She has never wanted to, but she never even took the time to try. I kept things light and flirty with her, because I still somehow loved her, but on the inside, I was fuming; how dare she?! I just couldn't get past the sheer arrogance of it – she always accused me of being arrogant while she herself bad-mouthed me like she was better than me and could just because I was softer on her. It was simply unbelievable, the way she acted.

I stormed right back to my dormitory, my day permanently ruined, and I found Remus doing his work on his bed. I flopped across my bed and lay there until Remus realized my presence and asked me what was up.

"What's up? Well, other than Lily Evans rejecting me for the bazillionth time this week, nothing," I told him sulkily.

Remus made his sympathetic noise and moved to the bed across from mine. "Aww, I'm sorry. What happened?"

I swiftly recounted the tale, and by the time I was done, I was ready to pull my hair out (which is weird, since I like my hair) and Remus was also looking a little pained. "What is her problem?" I finished up my angst with. "Why does she lead me on and then just leave me there to deal with whatever mess she left behind?"

"I'm sure she doesn't do it intentionally," Remus said. "Teenage girls are complex creatures; she probably had her own reasons for acting the way she did today."

"It's not just today though," I said. "It's every day for the last five years. I mean, on April Fool's Day, she actually looked at me and touched me like she loved me. Then today, she gives me this…this…this…stupid bitter routine! I've had enough of those; I just want her to love me back."

"It's kind of hard to convince someone to love you," he pointed out. "Love is a gradual thing – it can only be developed from trust and friendship. You can't cut straight from hate to love."

"I wish we could," I sulked. "She has me heart, mind, and soul, but she abuses it as though she has it for granted."

"Look, James, I'm not a psychologist, nor am I particularly experienced in having a relationship, so all I can really tell you is that if you really love her, you'll wait for her," he said simply. "I don't see why you insist on hanging on, but if you want to, feel free to do so. It won't be easy, but I'm sure the reward will be well worth it."

"Thanks for trying, Moony," I said with a heavy sigh. "I think I'll finish my Transfiguration homework now."

"Really? We don't have any today – oddly," Remus said.

"I know; I'm talking about last week's homework that I didn't do," I clarified. "See you."

Remus rolled his eyes, but went back to his own books, and I went to mine. Actually, I wrote in here instead of working, but I will once I'm done. It's just that I needed to get these thoughts out – I truly was hurt by her, and when I am, there's nothing more unbearable in the world. I want her to either love me back or give me my sanity back, but somehow, I can't have either; she's taken everything that I was, and now she won't give it back, nor will she return any of my emotions. It's not fair – not at all – but what am I supposed to do? I guess I'll wait, like Remus advised me to do; that reward…it had better be good, after all I'm giving for it.

Like I've said before though; Lily Evans has and always will have me heart, mind, and soul – she just needs to realize it and maybe, just maybe, give me a bit of her as well.

_A/N: So guess what? I like high school…except the homework part. That's the part that keeps me from updating – you're lucky I didn't have as much today; that's why this is up right now rather than in another week or so. :P Don't expect me to do anything more for a few days though, okay? High school is pretty damn hard. But do review this chapter – your thoughts do help my process considerably. :) I know this chapter wasn't anything fabulous, but it was quite difficult for me, considering the angst I had to somehow pen down, as well as the whole school-starting thing going on too. But I hope it flows okay, that you can somehow bear it and that you won't give up on me just yet, even though I've presented you with utter crap these past few days. :)_


	41. When You Love Someone

_A/N: Okay, huge angst alert here – Lily's entry is a huge mess of drama. James's isn't; I'll let you decide what James's is about. There is no interaction between the two in this one, but I have enough to keep you busy here. ;D Enjoy!_

_Oh yes, and you're right – this is a repost. I didn't like the first version I put up, so I took it down and edited it again. I still don't like this one, but whatever; hope it works, because I'm at a loss to know what to do with it._

_Side note: Lily's entry was inspired by this gorgeous song, Anywhere, by Evanescence, and was helped a little bit by the songs I Hate Myself For Losing You and Addicted, both by Kelly Clarkson._

**Lily**

April 14th

Dear Diary,

I'm too late.

Yes, I'm too late. I did love James, but I can't anymore because he and Regina are dating more seriously now. They'd been dating before too, and I'd known that, but he's made it clear that he's no longer interested in me. I do know that I'm horrible to him and I don't deserve him and all that, but at the same time, why did he pick the biggest bitch in the school? Why not some other girl who was better? And why do they talk about fiery dooms as hell when hell is really not knowing what his intentions are or what I'm going to do about it?

As I go to sleep, his face is the last thing I see. I yearn for him during the times when I can't sleep at all, and the hollow feeling starts plaguing my stomach again. I dream about him constantly now – sometimes it's weird stuff that I'm not going to go into, or it's just him marrying me and being happy with me. If I could pick a dream to be reality, I would pick those; I just want _him_ – any bit of him – and it hurts that I've missed my chance completely. Any fantasy I had about him waiting it out for me is gone; I have to accept it.

It's absolutely atrocious, this emotional hell of mine; that horribly powerful emotion is clawing at my insides, begging me to give it James, while I try to tell it that I can't have James. I don't have energy for anything anymore, and during my free periods, I lie on my bed. It takes every bit of strength I still have to get up and go back to class, and after I get to my seat, it feels like I have run a great distance and need to sleep. Love is not a beautiful thing; love is a disease – the most painful type there is. Love hurts me, and makes my life miserable; I don't want to be in love.

From all of this, at least I have learned something valuable; true love exists, and this is it. If this isn't true love, then I don't know what it can be; isn't it that feeling where you'd do anything for that one person? Where you part the crowd full of people only to find that one face – the only face that really matters? Where you are willing to kill yourself five times over just to see him once? Where your name sounds like the sweetest orchestral lullaby when it comes out of his mouth? Where even though you've had your heart broken before, you are still willing to give what little you have left to him? It has to be true love; it just has to be. Too bad it took him ignoring me to realize it.

Dreaming is the only escape I really have, besides you, diary. The other night, I had a dream that shocked me though, and I must write about it; it may help calm me down, because I was pretty hysterical. Here is what happened…

I was crying in the dormitory, and then James came in the door. He asked me why I was crying, and I told him it was because I failed all my O.W.L.'s. He told me that it was all right; why was I crying? He was going to marry me today, didn't I remember? We were going to run away, and he was going to take care of me; we'd be together, the way we always wanted to be. He lifted me up to my full height and kissed me deeply - the way I've only ever wished I could be kissed.

We kissed and kissed…I was lost in that part of the dream, lost in the majesty of it. He was perfect, our kiss was perfect; everything was perfect, for once in my life. He held me in his arms and kissed me, making me feel like I could fly. The hand that was not holding me up to him moved around my face, touching every part of it, and then moved to my own hands. He squeezed them tightly and continued to kiss me, hugging me while he did it, assuring me silently that he would never let me go. I trusted him; I loved him.

The dream changed then; he stopped kissing me and told me that he had made a mistake; our wedding was off and we were not going to run away. He told me that I was quite unsightly, and he could not possibly love a girl with a face like mine. He said all kinds of things, most of them being along the lines of him needing a girl who was perfect, and I was not the kind of perfection he wanted. I begged him not to leave me; I loved him and I needed him. He just shook his head and told me that I wasn't good enough; I was hideous and I didn't deserve him.

He turned away from me at this point and apologized for leading me on as he walked away. I screamed after him that I loved him, and I could change myself to be whatever he wanted if he'd let me. He didn't seem hear me, no matter how loudly I called to him. I burst into tears again as I tried to chase him, but he was always just out of my reach. Then, Regina ran up to him and he smiled at her, smiled the way he used to do when he saw me. He hugged her, and told her she was beautiful – perfect in every way. He kissed her the way he had kissed me, and didn't pay me any more attention.

The scene changed yet again with my anguished sobs; I was at their wedding a few months later. I was wearing rags, I was filthy, and I had no money, but I had managed to crash the wedding. Regina and James were getting married and I was invisible; a tramp girl on the side. Regina was in a flowing, airy white wedding dress; the kind James had promised to buy for me when we were going to get married. She carried royal blue lilies; with a fresh pang, I remembered that he used to call me his Royal Lily when he and I had made plans to get married. The cake was white chocolate; my favourite. The two of them became husband and wife before my very eyes then, and when they kissed, it was the same as the first time I saw it; it was the same as the one he had shared with me. I ran out of the wedding chapel, still in tears, but James magically appeared in front of me in his tuxedo, and Regina was at his side – the vision of perfection.

"Little Lily," he said softly, touching my ratty hair. "What have you done to yourself?"

"I failed my O.W.L.'s and I couldn't get a job," I whispered. "You didn't take me away; you didn't marry me like you said you would."

"This is why I didn't marry you," he explained. "You're a mess; I wouldn't want a wife like you. Regina is perfect, and you are not."

"You used to love me," I reminded him the same whisper. "Why can't you love me now? I'm the same person."

"I didn't really love you the way I thought, Lil," he said regretfully. "You are not what I wanted. I used to love you because that was before I met Regina; I know now that Regina is the woman I love, not you."

"I love you, James," I sobbed. "Marry me."

"I can't," he told me. "You're pitiful Lily; you just watched me get married, and you know that I can't be with you, so why do you try?"

"Because you loved me!" I shrieked. "I want you to love me again!"

"Why do you even talk to her?" Regina asked him, her white teeth glimmering in the sunshine. "She is a failure; I passed all my O.W.L.'s. Come with me now and we'll run away together."

"I think that sounds great," James said to her, smiling magnificently as he looked back at her. "I love you, Regina."

"I love you too," Regina answered as she kissed him once more. "Let's leave this deplorable girl alone; she is not worthy of our time."

"You're right, as always, Gina," he agreed, kissing her again. "We shall go now."

So they left me – alone and unloved – by the wedding chapel as they rode away on James's broomstick. I cried rivers, I cried lakes, I cried oceans; James never came back for me, and I was forced to marry Severus. He was the only one who could look at me without cringing, and I was the most wretched person in the world; James didn't love me, so nothing was worth it anymore.

When I woke up from this dream, I was drenched in cold sweat and I was terrified. I ran for a drink of water, and checked to make sure Regina was still in her bed and not off somewhere with James; she was still there, thankfully, but I had never known that she snored so much. I made a mental note to mention that to James if he ever did actually marry her. I still get shivers when I think of that dream though; it was the single most disturbing thing my imagination has ever presented me with – partly because seeing James kiss another girl makes my systems explode and because Regina is a bitch who doesn't deserve him, and is definitely not at all perfect. I was also hating my dream because it was a reflection of my very worst fears of the moment; James giving me his love, and then taking it away with no warning at all, leaving me alone and crying my eyes out. Even in the dream, the pain was very real, and it cut me up in a way words can't really capture. I'll always love him, but I am terrified of what he could do to me when he decided that I was not enough. That's why I don't let myself get into a relationship with him; I just don't think I could stand the pain of it all.

I think that somewhere in the middle of this mess, Leila woke up. I was in bed, shaking and making all sorts of noises, and she came over to me, half asleep. She asked me if I was all right, and I said that I just had a nightmare; I would be fine. She was too sleepy to care, so she nodded and went back to bed, but I continued to quake in bed, hugging my knees tightly as though this would somehow help me. Leila was asleep within a few minutes, but it had been a really long time before I fell asleep myself.

Now that I am recalling this dream and trying to push away these thoughts of unpleasantness, I have come to realize that I wish we could _really_ run away together, like we had planned on doing in the beginning. That would be ideal; we could go to some unknown place far away, where nobody would know who we were. The people nearby wouldn't have previous judgments on us to use against us; everything would be new, and we could start over on our lives together. I could kiss him without worrying about who was watching, or what they would think; we would be two young lovers who only wanted to be together. Nobody could think badly of us and we would be happy – not just the shallow happiness that normal couples felt, but a real happiness; the happiness of two people who were truly in love, and who could live their lives peacefully with each other.

We could travel; we could go all over England, and then go to Germany, France, and Italy. We could go anywhere, everywhere, and we'd be together. I'd have no one but him, and that would be all I would need. We could get a job in the right city, and we could live our lives there – start over, like I said. We could forget about this place, about the hateful people in it. No one could stop us; it would just be James and me, and that's all it would ever have to be. I would sleep next to him every night, and when I awoke, he would be there, ready to smile at me and melt my heart like he does every day. It would be heaven on earth; we would nothing more than a few pairs of clothes and a couple of other small things, and we'd get whatever else if and when we needed them. We'd have each other though – that would be more than enough. Hiding our love would not be necessary – we could wear it for the world to see, and wouldn't have to think twice about it.

But I know that I can't do that – I'm stuck here, in Hogwarts. People have their stupid judgments, James does not love me anymore, and everything in the world could stop me from what I want. I'm only a boring little Hogwarts teenager, dreaming of a love that I know I can never have while writing in a diary; nothing magical can ever happen to me. James Potter and I were and still are never meant to be; he will always be everything and I will always be nothing.

He's done, I'm done. Is there anything left to say?

**James**

April 14th

Dear Diary,

Wow; a lot has happened in just the past three days, and it's going to take me a bit of time to explain it all. I still can't believe half of it, actually; I really can't. Why? Well, one of the things that have happened is that I'm dating Regina "seriously," as Hogwarts students usually put it, and another is that I've pretended to give up on Lily Evans.

So here's the thing – I know I was mad at Lily a couple of days ago. I know I was freaking out, and in truth, I still am curious about a few those questions that came up. But I'm okay now; I was just pessimistic and angry – I'm only human after all. I'm still in love with her; I just have to pretend that I don't. See, Regina bad-mouths Lily…a lot. I hate hearing it, because none of it is true; to shut her up, I just pretend that I don't care about Lily anymore. That keeps her quiet, but unfortunately, that means I have to put on an act for everyone else, including Lily herself. However, I don't hate her at all – I still care deeply about her – and that's something that I need to establish right now, because the extremes I have to go to keep Regina happy are pretty frightening.

Like, take yesterday for example – I was out with Gina, at The Three Broomsticks, and I'd bought her a butterbeer. She was drinking it, and then she told me, "You know, this is one of the smartest things you've ever done, James."

"What?" I had to have heard her wrong; what had I done that was so smart?

"Going out with me," she said, taking another sip. "And forgetting about that bitch Jasmine."

"Her name is Lily," I amended for her through gritted teeth.

"It was a flower either way," Regina said dismissively. "Anyway, it's one of the smartest things you've done so far – I think we're a better couple, don't you agree?"

Somehow resisting the urge to scream bloody murder and hit her, I muttered, "Of course I agree."

"Good." She smiled serenely and kissed my mouth. "I love you, Jamesie."

"I. Love. You. Too," I said robotically.

Her smile widened, and she finished her drink; that meant it was time for her to usher me to the stores of Hogsmeade to pick out clothes, fuss over them, and ask me which one I liked best. I quite honestly hated all of the ones she picked, so it was a miserable exercise that she enjoyed doing every time we went out. I managed to cut it short by insisting I had homework left to do, but it was a pretty close call nonetheless.

Still, despite all of that, I needed to get some answers. I needed to know if any of my feelings were returned at all, and if Lily wouldn't tell me, I would have to go to the next best thing – her best friend. I found Leila in the common room early this morning; Lily wasn't there – in her dormitory, I expected. But I sat down next to her on the sofa and I got straight to the point, like I always do.

"Leila, I need to ask you a few things about Lily," I said urgently.

"Okay," she said. "What do you want to know?" That was one of the great things about Leila – she was easy to get information out of. I did feel sort of guilty about being so underhand to get what I wanted, but at the same time, I deserved to know these things if Lily didn't tell me herself, didn't I? She'd forced me through emotional hell all year; couldn't I break the rules at least a little? I decided I could and I would.

"Does she like me?" It's always best to start off with the biggest question, I always say.

"It's hard to say, but I think she does," Leila told me. "The thing about Lily is that she hates being open about affection; she'll act like she hates someone's guts when really, she likes them or feels something she won't say. The main way to tell if it's true love or a fake hatred is to badger her; if she's uncomfortable, she loves that person. If not, she'll be clear about it."

"I see," I said. "But has she been all right lately? She's always given off a stressed aura whenever I talk to her."

"She isn't," Leila said with a sigh. "I don't know what to do with her! I don't talk to her much right now, but she always looks so upset; she won't tell me what's bothering her, she freaks out over the littlest things, and last night, she woke up in the middle of the night, screaming her lungs out, and I don't know if she went back to sleep afterwards. She needs something – she just won't say what."

"What was she screaming about last night?"

"I was half-asleep myself, so I can't be sure, but I think it was your name," Leila said, trying to recall the incident. "She said something like, 'No, James, I love you!' I could be wrong though, so don't quote me on it."

"She can't have said she loved me," I said at once. "It must have been something else. But either way; what are you going to do about her?"

"Just let her hang in there until she's ready to open up, I'm thinking." She sighed. "I just feel awful; I don't know what the hell is going on in my best friend's head nor will she let me."

"If you don't, nobody will," I assured her. "Don't worry about it. But thanks a lot; you know, for answering my questions."

"No problem." She smiled at me. "And though we both know I've been crushing on you for as long as Lily has hated you, I'm totally fine if you don't really care about me and want to continue pursuing Lily."

I had no real response to that, so I said, "Erm, thanks Leila."

She laughed. "Bye James."

I left her then, and I walked into my dormitory, Lily occupying my mind again. But, when I went in, I found Kyleigh and Sirius on Sirius's bed together, wearing nothing but horrified expressions at my arrival.

"Bloody hell! Do you mind?" Sirius shouted at me.

"Holy shit! Lock the door, goddamn it!" I rushed out at once; that had been far more of Kyleigh and Sirius than I had needed to see in a lifetime. However, after about two minutes, Kyleigh came out of the dormitory (fully clothed, thankfully) and left without looking once at me. I crept into the room cautiously, but Sirius was also dressed – just buttoning his pants. When he saw me, he glared.

"Would it kill you to knock before you come in?" he asked.

"It's a dormitory – the basic rules are that if the door is locked, you knock and then go in, but if it's open, you go in right away," I pointed out. "Besides, you normally do that at night, not now."

"We had some time, and Kyleigh is amazing at seduction," Sirius defended himself.

"What is this, your fourth time having sex with her?" I thought about it. "Yeah, I think it's your fourth, from what you've told us. Is she a keeper?"

"I think so," Sirius chirped contentedly. "I've been going out with her for a few months now – that's a miracle in itself."

I snorted. "Well, I'm very happy for you two, but I've got Lily problems."

"Again?" Sirius groaned. "I thought you were over her and were going out with that other bitch! What was her name?"

"Regina," I said. "But I'm not over Lily yet – of course I'm not. I'm still going for her, but for now I have to pretend that I'm not because I'm trying to break up with Regina, which won't happen if she thinks I'm still in love with Lily. Does that make any sense?"

"Yup," Sirius said sympathetically. "That's what happened when I was trying to get Conquest 23; number 22 was that one seventh year, Penelope, and I liked her sister, Giselle. I had to pretend that I hated Giselle to get Penny off my back, and then I got together with Giselle a couple of hours later…but we broke up after a week because Penny found out and got really pissed."

"Oh yeah, I remember that." I allowed myself a short laugh, but said, "But you know how you always felt so…pressured, that you had to keep your affections for Giselle quiet from Penny, who was pretty overpowering? I'm feeling that right now, and I don't know what to do; this is one of the few things Remus can't advise me on."

"Gee, thanks for using me," Sirius said sarcastically. "But anyway, it's not that big of a deal; you just have to keep your mouth shut and the chick won't suspect a thing. If you let something slip though, you're in trouble – I accidentally told Conquest 8 that I liked the girl who became Conquest 9, and she beat the shit out of me."

"I can keep my mouth shut," I said confidently. "You've already made me feel better, Pads; thanks."

"No problem." Sirius grinned. "Good luck with both of your bitches."

"One bitch," I corrected. "And one angel in human form."

Sirius chose not to remark on that, but shooed me out of the room so that he could take a shower. I left, and upon leaving, I found Remus and Peter walking in.

"Hey, do you know where Padfoot is?" Peter asked. "McGonagall wants him and me in her office – something about not doing our homework."

"Inside, taking a shower," I said, gesturing at the dormitory. "Don't go in."

"Sirius? Taking a shower at this time?" Remus wrinkled his nose with confusion. "He never does that."

"You don't want to know the reasoning behind it," I assured him. "But I have to get going; I have to…to tell Regina that I love her, even though I don't, and then gawk at Lily at every opportunity I have. Yeah, that sounds about right."

"What a strange life you lead, Prongs," Peter said pityingly, smiling anyway. "Have fun."

"Of course I will." I smirked. "See you."

I waved good-bye to my friends, but as I did, I realized that I now had a mission to fulfill – I had to somehow tell the school and Regina that I hated Lily, make sure Lily knew that I was truly in love with her despite what I had said before, and break up with Regina within the next few days.

I don't know how I'm going to do any of that; none of those tasks are going to be easy, the way things are looking right now.

Help?

_A/N: So yeah…that was this chapter, obviously. xD I hope you liked it; though there was drama, I tried my best to insert some comic relief. Now, this chapter may seem a little bit pointless, but it's meant to be that way – I'm setting up for the next chapter, where things will actually happen. :)_

_Another thing I want to tell you – I changed the outline (yes, again – hush) and I can officially say that I only have 9 chapters until the story is done. :O Crazy, isn't it?_


	42. The Art of Breaking Up

_A/N: All right, I'm getting kind of sick of a few of these pace comments – just relax! I know what I'm doing. I'm working with this angle because I need to set up for them getting together. I know just how I'm going to do it, but it involves Lily being vulnerable; I can't just make her that way without ruining the flow of the fic, so I'm building. Yes, so the last chapter was a little boring; I can promise that this one isn't though. So I hope you enjoy this; I may not get the next one up in a bit, but I'm still trying my best to type fast._

_Songs to listen to: _

_Lily – I Need You to Love Me (by Barlow Girl), Worlds Apart (by the Veronicas; only available to listen to on You Tube), and briefly Breathe (by Michelle Branch)._

_James: Cry and How Long (both by the Veronicas – only available on You Tube), Everything I'm Not (The Veronicas – used for anger, not necessarily message the whole time), and Everything I Do (Bryan Adams)_

**Lily**

April 30th

Dear Diary,

Today, I discovered two things; I discovered that James Potter definitely is one of those strange concoctions of nature, while the other is that we're not really meant to be together, like he always claimed.

You may be asking why these conclusions? Why now, when I'm so in love with him? Well, it's because of what was going on today – I'm really not clear on all the details, but I have a pretty good idea of what they were. See, it all started this morning, when I was walking to the Great Hall for an extremely late breakfast at ten thirty; I noticed James sitting on the last step in the Entrance Hall, looking rather glum. Seeing James unhappy was a new experience for me, since he's almost always flirty, hyper or both, and from what I saw made me realize that I didn't like it. I couldn't believe that I had the guts to do it, but I managed to make myself sit down next to him on the stair; my heart skipped several beats when I found how close we were to each other.

"Hey," I said softly. "Anything wrong?"

He looked rather astonished by my concern. "I suppose you could say that; why do you ask?"

"Would you rather I didn't?" I had no proper answer to that question, so it was best to just make him appreciate the vast amount of effort my actions were demanding.

"Of course not," he said, smiling. "But since you did ask, I guess I'm confused; everything seems to be happening at the same time."

"I know the feeling," I agreed grimly.

"Yeah, and I was just waiting for Regina here –"

"_Regina_?" I interjected. "You were waiting here for _Regina_?"

"Well, yeah," he said, giving me a befuddled look. "I had to speak to her about something, and –"

"I have to go now," I interrupted abruptly, standing up. "I-I'll talk to you later then, James." I didn't let him try to coax me back – I just ran up the stairs in the direction of my dormitory. I didn't want to talk; I didn't want to see him. I just wanted to be alone for a bit so that I could somehow convince myself that ending Regina's life would be a bad thing.

However, after what felt like ages of me sitting in my room, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about James, Leila walked in. In her hand was a box of fudge she had to have gotten from the kitchens, as well as two forks, a bottle of butterbeer, and two cups. She sat on my bed, and without a word, began to lay out the snacks. She poured me some butterbeer and took some herself too; it tasted amazing when I was feeling the way I was. I sampled a bit of fudge; it was quite tasty – the house elves had done well. Leila watched me eat for a bit, and then asked me, "Are you all right?"

I looked up at her grave eyes and bit my lip. "No," I said finally. "And I think I'm ready to tell you why."

"Okay," she said. "But if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to – you just looked upset, and I thought I'd better come up here and give you happy food."

"I do want to tell you," I confessed. "I need to tell you – I've kept it a secret, and now I just need to get it out. But don't judge me, all right? I feel bad enough as it is."

"I wouldn't do that, Lils," Leila assured me as she took a sip of her drink. "Now what's getting to you?"

I took a deep, steadying breath; I would feel better once I told her, I knew, but it was hard to do anyway. I bit my lip once more, and I whispered, "I'm in love with James Potter."

She didn't say anything; she just took my hand and squeezed it in her own. I could feel tears caused by things unknown to me in my eyes, but I knew I had to say something else, so I said, "I guess I always did – it's just that now I know for sure."

There was nothing Leila could say, and she was aware of it; she just stayed quiet, and I forced myself to go on. "I don't know what it is about him, Leils – he's just always there. Either he's in the same room, flirting, or he's in my head, and he won't get out. I'm obsessed with him, and the worst part is that I don't even know how or why. It just happened, and I don't know what to do about it. Everyone's been saying that it was only a matter of time before we got together, and I couldn't stand that because it's not possible to simply _predict_ something as complex and gradual as love. Now it's come true, I feel like I'm falling apart, I don't know how people are going to react to it, and it's all just so bloody stupid; I wish it would all just go away and leave me alone because I was happy being alone, without loving him." By the time I got to the end of my babbling, my voice cracked; everything just seemed to fall down right then, as I was coming clean, but I had to keep talking – maybe I could escape whatever emotions were churning in my stomach.

"And now he's happy with that bitch Regina; I've missed my chance," I went on, feeling my sanity begin to slip away. "I was horrible to him when he gave me five years of chances because I'd never wanted to feel the way I am now, but since I'm here, at the bottom, I'm just confused and sick and want it all to end. Leila, is this love or is this just punishment for being cruel to him in the past?"

I was fully in tears now, and one way or another, she knew how to comfort me; she put her arms around me and hugged me tightly, still not saying a word. Our fudge and butterbeer lay forgotten on the bed; I just needed Leila at that moment – a solid human being to weep with – and there were no words to tell her how much I appreciated that she was with me.

After a few minutes of sobbing though, I wiped my face with my hands and accepted a tissue from Leila to blow my nose. I calmed myself down a little, and I asked her in a little more than a murmur, "Leils, I don't even know why I'm crying."

"I think you're just overwhelmed," she told me gently. "Love isn't always a sweet little fairytale, I know, but for now, I think you should just forget about him; you can deal with this later when you feel better."

"I can't not think about him," I said. "He's James Potter, Leila; keeping him out of my mind isn't as easy as it was at the beginning of the year."

"Do you want me to go get him for you?" she offered.

"No," I said automatically. "I think I'll live."

"Sure?"

"Yes," I said, feeling strong as suddenly as I had felt fragile. "For now, I'm just going to the common room, and I'm going to do my homework. When I'm done with that, I'm going outside for a walk. I need to clear my head."

"All right." Leila smiled at me. "You okay?"

"Now I am." I smiled back at her – my first smile of the day, just because I wanted to evade my moment of weakness. "Thanks, Leils."

"No problem." She patted my shoulder and began to clear up the fudge and butterbeer. I helped her, and when the job was done, I got out my bag and the two of us went down to the common room, like planned. Leila read her book while I did my homework, which was usually the case on our days off, and a couple of silent, thoughtful hours passed by that way. I was actually feeling relaxed; it was as though a great weight had been lifted from my chest, now that I had told Leila that I was in love with James. I didn't want to cry anymore; I knew I was going to be all right.

Then that's when the next big thing happened.

Leila and I were the only ones in the common room, and we had been for the last hour or so. We hadn't talked much for the entire time, content in our books; we hadn't been hungry either, after eating all the fudge, so we hadn't gone down to lunch at twelve, like we usually did. The air hung still, and I suppose I should have realized that it was a little too still. I didn't though, so when Peter, Remus, Sirius, James, and half of Gryffindor House burst through the portrait hole all of a sudden, you can imagine how shocked I was, or high off my seat I jumped. I only caught a quick glimpse of James striding off into his dormitory, but the rest of the Gryffindors were babbling excitedly; what was going on? I even saw Regina going upstairs, looking utterly pissed about something or another, but I couldn't connect with the situation – what was going on?

Leila and I quickly got up and went to look for answers, obviously. Leila went off to ask Kyleigh what had happened, while I sought out the rest of his quartet – Sirius, Peter, and Remus. I turned to Remus first, and asked him, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Remus told me distractedly. "I need to find James. Ask Sirius and Peter – they'll tell you." With that, he left, and I was left to do what he said, which, of course, gave me no pleasure whatsoever.

"What happened?" I asked Sirius. "Tell me."

"It was bloody brilliant!" Sirius said eagerly. "Even _you_ would have enjoyed that one, Evans."

"Enjoyed what?" I snapped.

"What James did just now," Peter clarified just as keenly.

"What did James do?" I demanded.

"Hysterical stuff, eh Pete?" Sirius laughed and high-fived his friend.

"Definitely," Peter agreed. "It's all anyone's going to talk about for the rest of the year."

"What's going on here?" I bellowed in both of their ears, tired of having them disregard me. "Just tell me what James did!"

Sirius faced me at last, the expression on his face rather mischievous. "Maybe…if you give me a kiss."

"Why would I do that?" There was no way on earth I would ever kiss Sirius, and he knew it.

"Because I have information you want," Sirius said simply. "And because you have some lip talent that I want. We both win."

"You sick toad," I accused him. "I am not kissing you. There are other ways of getting what I want." With that, I pulled my Peter coupon – my second to last of the coupons James had given me four months ago – and handed it to him. "Tell me what I want to know, Peter."

Peter made a face at me. "I don't want to."

"You have to," I said. "James said I could do whatever I wanted with these coupons."

Peter sighed. "Fine. C'mon; we'll sit on the sofas and I'll tell you what you want to know."

"I'll stick around to make sure you have it right," Sirius volunteered, as though this would somehow invoke pleasure from me.

With a resigned sigh, I allowed the two of them to take me to the sofas, and we sat down together. Peter ripped up the coupon to ensure I never used it again, and faced me, waiting for my outpour of questions, which I readily gave.

"What did he say? What did she say back? Are they really over? Does he still love her? Is she still in love with him?" I burst out. "Tell me everything."

"Well, they shouted a lot," Peter said. "It's hard to remember all the details, but he called her a bitch and broke it off quite publicly. He just ranted at her, refused to let her speak, and then slapped her across the face before just walking out of the hall. The Gryffindors followed him."

"Does he love her?" I was ravenous for information; I had a source who, while less than reliable, was close to James, and who was forced to answer my questions, so I was not going to waste the opportunity.

"Nah," Sirius took over. "Regina always had some weird obsession with him, but James never really loved her."

"Will they get back together?"

"No way," Peter said. "James won't let it happen. He's made it clear that he hates her and won't go within ten feet of her willingly. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I did hear your name mentioned a lot."

"Sirius, do you remember what he said?" I rounded on him instead, seeing as Peter wasn't giving me sufficient information.

"No," he said. "Nobody did; you'd have to ask him yourself."

"So they're really over?" I checked one last time. "He won't ever love her again?"

"No," Sirius said. "He's still in love with you, and you are still determined to hate him. Can't you just cut him a break and go out with him just one bloody time?"

I chose to ignore his request and said, "Okay. Is there _anything_ else that you can remember?"

"No," Peter said impatiently. "Are we done yet?"

"Yes," I said, sighing once more as I realized that this was the best I was going to get out of them. "We're done; you can go."

"Thank you." Peter stood up, with Sirius following suit, and I rushed away to my dormitory. Leila was there, waiting for me, and her eyes were wide.

"So, did you find out what happened with Regina and James?"

"Yeah," I said. "Apparently, James did a lot of shouting and Regina did a lot of bitching; nothing unusual."

"Did they tell you…exactly what James said?" Her voice was tentative, the way it always was when she was betraying a secret.

"No," I said, instantly suspicious. "What did he say?"

"Well, I'm not really supposed to tell you this…" Her words trailed off, which illustrated her dilemma – she desperately wanted to tell me, but she had probably promised that she wouldn't.

I decided to simplify it for her by saying, "If you don't tell me right now, I'm going to curse you to oblivion; I think that it would be best if you just said what you were hiding from me."

"He said that he was sick of falling in love with bitches, and she was just one too many," Leila told me unwillingly. "Then Regina asked if you applied; he said yes."

That really hit me hard, and Leila was able to fully appreciate just how much because I had told her my secret earlier in the afternoon; he thought I was a bitch. Yes, he had called me that before (while I had been fully agreeing), but it was just different this time – I loved him this time, and I took his words to heart. From what little information I had from the spat, he had meant everything he'd said – including thinking I was a bitch. I couldn't deny it – I was in pain from that decision.

"Thanks for telling me, Leils," I said in a strangely emotionless tone.

"I don't even think he heard the question, Lily," she said, obviously trying to make me feel better. "He was busy glaring at Regina; he would have probably just said yes for the sake of saying it."

"That doesn't change the fact that he said yes," I said shortly. "But it's all right – I'm fine. I knew we were never really meant to be."

"Lily –"

"Bye Leils," I said shortly as I left the room, trying not to meet her eyes. "Thanks for everything – I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."

"Where are you going?" she asked as I got to the door.

"Outside," I replied. "For a walk."

"See you." She sounded sad, and for good reason; she had just told me that the boy I loved thought I was a bitch and watched me leave the room, pretending I was okay when we both knew I wasn't – what was she supposed to feel?

I did go outside, but the moment I did, I saw James; he was walking as well, but he didn't see me. He was smiling at the Quidditch pitch, actually – he didn't care about me. After all he'd said about loving me and wanting to be with me, that was all that would bring a smile to his face – his bloody Quidditch pitch. He seemed to be at peace; he had broken it off with one of his bitches, and he no longer had to worry about the other – his life was perfect now. He didn't have to pretend to care about me anymore; that was a plus for him, wasn't it?

I went back inside after a couple of minutes; I couldn't be in close proximity to James. I just couldn't; not after what he'd said. As I went back, however, I couldn't help but wrestle with the pain of the situation again, even though I was trying not to; every single day he had known me, James had said he would love me forever, no matter what I did, and though I do a generally horrible job of trusting that concept, I somehow always clung to it anyway – that was probably one of the reasons I was so bitchy to him all the time. Now that the everlasting love he'd said he would have for me was taken away, life just seemed flatter, more pointless – it had never been real, so nothing mattered anymore. I felt pretty cheated too; just when I had started to trust him, he turned around and took everything back, leaving me with nothing but emotions I didn't want. I couldn't bear that, but at the same time, I couldn't stop loving him no matter what he did, so I was almost like a prisoner to him, which I didn't like – not one bit. The whole business was quite tiresome, but I knew that I had no way out – I would have to somehow survive the rest of this year (with my O. W. L.'s in a few weeks – eep!), the rest of my summer, and then the rest of my life as well, just for kicks.

Oh please; just kill me now if that's the case.

**James**

April 30th

Dear Diary,

I did it! I finally did it! I broke up with Regina!

I feel like I can sing; I'm a free man! I can love Lily Evans the way I want now, because I don't have to worry about Regina being on my back; that was what I had wanted all year, and now it's happened! It was beyond amazing; I did it in the craziest way I could think of, and I think it was rather effective.

It all took place during breakfast; I went in early, to try to eat without Regina breathing down my neck, but to my tremendously hideous luck, she was there waiting for me already. She gestured for me to come join her, and I did, though unenthusiastically.

"Good morning, Jamesie," she crooned as she poured me a bowl of porridge. "Don't put this up your nose; eat it."

I recalled that incident with Sirius and the rest of the Marauders, and I grinned to myself. "Okay."

She smiled, patted my shoulder, and took a sip of her orange juice. I wanted to throw it all over her, but I knew it wouldn't do any good; I silenced the impulse with difficulty. I ate my breakfast in silence, letting Regina babble on for a few minutes, but then she asked me, "So do you want to go out tonight?"

"No," I said. "I have…other plans."

"Now you don't," she said simply. "Now your plans are going out with me tonight."

"Oh? And what makes you say that?"

"Me," she answered. "I make myself say that because it's true. Do you want to eat or shop?"

"Neither," I said, starting to feel a little indignant. "I'm not going out with you tonight."

"We can go out as a big group," she suggested. "It's Saturday after all."

"No," I said, firmer this time. "I have to go for a bit – find me in the Entrance Hall later." With that, I left; I needed some time to think about breaking up with Regina. It was going to be tricky, noisy, and rather messy, but it had to be done somehow; if I wanted any sanity for the damn O. W. L.'s later, I would need to break it off. I went to the Entrance Hall and sat on the steps, hating Regina more than I had ever hated Snivelly or anyone else. She was going to ruin me one day, that bitch; I had to do something about it.

While I was sitting there and brooding though, Lily Evans, of all people, came and sat next to me. "Hey; anything wrong?" she asked, her tone gentle.

I was taken aback; Lily never spoke to me at all, let alone ask me if I was okay. I pointed that out to her, and she asked me, "Would you rather I didn't?"

"Of course not," I said at once, smiling at her. "But since you did ask, I guess I'm confused; everything seems to be happening at the same time."

"I know the feeling," she said with certain bitterness.

"Yeah, and I was just waiting for Regina here –" I started to say, but I was cut off by Lily shouting, "_Regina_? You were waiting here for _Regina_?"

"Well, yeah," I said, my expression perplexed. "I had to speak to her about something, and –"

She didn't let me finish again; she just said, "I have to go now. I'll talk to you later then, James." And, just as abruptly as she had appeared, she ran off, leaving me wondering what the hell had just happened. I wanted to kick myself though; I'd said something wrong during the single time Lily ever talked to me willingly and normally. Granted, I wasn't sure what had upset her, but I still screwed it up; fate hated me – it really did.

I got up from the steps and went upstairs, restless. What had I said wrong? It kept bugging me; I didn't even know what had upset Lily so much. All I had started to say was that I was waiting for Regina; if she hadn't interrupted me, I would have told her that it was because I wanted to break up with her, but she hadn't let me finish. Why had she freaked out so much? I didn't understand it; it wasn't as though she was jealous or anything, because everyone knows that she definitely hates me – she wouldn't just fall in love with me one fine day and get jealous of any girl that stepped near me. She wasn't that type of person; I knew that.

Still, I had to do something. I decided to consult the Marauders; they were lounging around in our favorite empty classroom on the sixth floor, and I joined them, sighing.

"Hey you three," I said gloomily. "What's going on?"

"Sirius is telling us about something Kyleigh did the other day," Peter said.

"Yeah," Sirius said. "She's so damn sexy, that girl! I love her!"

"I tuned out," Remus said. "Once he started talking about how smooth her legs were, I decided there was nothing better in the rest of his banter."

"Oy, she has good legs," Sirius protested. "I can't help that!"

"Whatever," Remus snapped. "Can't you stop talking about sex and girls for even one day?"

"I'm dating a girl who's extremely sexy; how can I?" Sirius said heatedly. "When you find your own sexy girl, you know I'm going to listen to you, but for now, you're listening to me!"

"I've been listening to you rant about this subject since we were thirteen, which is more than sick," Remus pointed out waspishly. "I'm surprised you're not diseased yet!"

"This argument comes up a lot too," Peter told me conversationally. "You get used to it." Then he turned to Remus and Sirius, who were still fighting with each other, and said, "Oy! Shut up!"

"No," Remus and Sirius shouted back to him in chorus.

"You know, you guys _do_ sound a lot like a married couple," I remarked. "When's that wedding going on, then?"

"I'm not a eunuch," Sirius declared. "I date girls, not blokes."

"I don't date at all," Remus said, narrowing his eyes at me.

"I know," I said, laughing. "It's not that big of a deal. Anyway, I'm having Regina issues – how do you break up with such a bitch? Sirius, you have experience; help me."

"You know, Regina is a lot like my twelfth conquest, Marissa," Sirius said knowledgeably. "Really clingy. I broke it off with Marissa really publicly – shouting at her, calling her 'bitch' more than her real name, not letting her talk at all; that kind of thing. She kept trying to get back together with me, but I just kind of skirted around her. Try that with Regina."

"That's cruel," Remus objected. "I think you should tell her gently."

"I'm going with Sirius on this one," Peter said. "Softness doesn't work on Regina Masters."

"I go with Sirius too," I decided. "Thanks, mate."

"No problem, mate," Sirius chirped, clapping me on the shoulder. "When are you going to dump her?"

"Today, at lunch," I said. "It's going to be explosive – I can promise that."

"Excellent," Peter said, grinning. "This is going to be cool."

"It definitely will be," I vowed. "But Remus, I have a quick question."

"Yeah?"

"Today, Lily randomly came up and sat with me while I was brooding about how best to break up with Regina, and when I mentioned that I was waiting there for Regina, she freaked out on me and left. What does that mean?" I asked, hoping I sounded casual.

"It means that she's not happy about you and Regina," Remus said. "But I must admit; that's rather odd. I can't see Lily getting too bothered about something like that."

"That's what I thought," I said. "What should I do?"

"Play it by ear," Remus advised at once. "You don't know what's going on, so just tread carefully. Break up with Regina today, as planned, but make sure you watch your words around Lily – watch her carefully and see if you can figure out what she was upset about."

"Why would he do that?" Sirius smacked the side of Remus's head. "If the chick is being bothered by something, you go and ask her about it directly, not watch her. This is why you can't get dates, Remus – you're terrible at female psychology."

"I am not," Remus said crossly. "You're only focused on the sex side; I'm focused on what they actually feel. Besides, with Lily particularly, you can't be too candid, because she's easily frightened off."

"So she's an easily frightened bitch?" Sirius snorted. "You really are awful at female psychology."

"Lily is not a bitch," I opposed. "She's beautiful, perfect, and brilliant; she's everything a girl should ever be."

Sirius yawned. "Okay, whatever. Now, I've been working my arse off trying to master these spells for the Map, and I think I've got them – do you guys want to do some more work on that tonight?"

"Sure," Peter said. "After James breaks up with Regina, we could work on the Map all night, to celebrate. Should I get some butterbeer?"

"Of course!" Sirius slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. "Pete, it's required that we drink butterbeer during our Map work to stay awake long enough – why are you so thick?"

"Sorry," Peter muttered.

Remus flashed Sirius a filthy look, but said, "Have you finished drawing for the Map?"

"Yeah," Sirius said. "It's fantastic and astounding, so try to hold your applause when I show you."

I laughed, but Remus rolled his eyes. "As for you, James; have you mastered what spells you were going to do?"

"Yup," I said. "Sirius and I worked out that insulting spell too – it's pretty easy, actually."

"While I can't say I'm glad that you got it right, I do congratulate you," Remus said.

Sirius bowed mockingly. "Thank you, thank you. Prongs, Wormy; what do you two say to some celebratory ice cream from the kitchens – just because we can?"

"I say okay," I said.

"I say definitely!" Peter grinned. "Banana split, Sirius?"

"With mayonnaise?"

"Yeah!" Peter high-fived Sirius, and the two of them burst out laughing.

"You eat your ice cream with mayonnaise?" Remus inquired, making an utterly revolted face.

"Who doesn't?" Sirius asked as though Remus had completely lost his mind.

"Try normal people," Remus said in exactly the same tone.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Whatever; c'mon Pete and James."

"You want something, Moony?" I asked him.

"No," Remus said, giving Sirius another dirty look. "See you later then."

Sirius, Peter, and I waved at him as he left the room, and we went down to get some ice cream. Sirius and Peter did enjoy their mayonnaise-filled ice cream (I stuck to chocolate with caramel and peanuts) but all the while, Sirius gave me tips on what I should say to Regina. He said stick to calling her a bitch, keep your voice loud, make sure everyone can see/hear us, and don't let her get a word in, among many other tidbits. After a while, I had to just make him shut up – I knew what I was going to do, and after I was done, Regina Masters would no longer be my problem. I couldn't wait; freedom was so close, I could taste it, and I wasn't about to let it slip.

I went into lunch then, feeling a little nervous, but mostly excited; I was looking forward to being with Lily without having to worry about what Regina would think. I sat down in my usual spot with Remus, who had gotten there much before we had, and I engaged us four Marauders into mindless chatter; it was not only enjoyable, but I needed to be distracted so that when Regina came around, I would be ready to tell her off properly. And sure enough, after a few minutes, the Queen of Bitches herself arrived, smiling widely as she effortlessly pushed Remus to the side to sit next to me.

With a kiss on my cheek, she said, "Hey Jamesie. How are you?"

"I need to tell you something," I said. "And you have to listen to me."

"Of course I will," she said, batting her eyelashes. "What do you want to say?"

"I want to say that I bloody hate you!" I got out of my spot and stood up at my full height as I shouted; everybody within three feet of me turned and craned their necks to watch me yell at her.

"What? James, what is this –" she began to say, but I cut her off, like Sirius had told me to do.

"No! You think this is sudden, but it's not! It's been building ever since you first tried to make me like you!" I hollered. "I am _sick_ of you dictating my life for me! I don't want you to tell me what to do and when to do it! It's not right, and it's not fair – I was always soft, just because I thought you'd have some bloody decency, but I suppose I was wrong!"

Everyone within a nine foot radius was now staring at me, and they only spurred my wild anger on further. I continued to yell in her shocked face, "I live my life the way _I___want to, not the way _you_ want me to; you think you can control me, but you're wrong. Go give your goddamn opinions to someone who cares, because I'm not one of those people anymore. I'm sick of your shit, and I'm breaking up this one-sided relationship – once and for all, in front of the whole school."

"You can't," she said.

"I damn well can and will!" I screamed. "You're done messing with me, Regina; we're finished."

"We aren't." She rose as well. "You're still my boyfriend; no relationship is over until I say it is."

"Well, I'm one boy you can't order around anymore," I said coldly. "I'm done with you, and you're not going to be able to change that. I don't know why I'm always stuck with bitches on my tail, but I'm not going to take it – leave me alone."

"So are you saying that Lily Evans is a bitch?" She raised an eyebrow, challenging me. "I think she's in love with you, and you're definitely in love with her."

"Whatever," I said loudly, dismissing her statement in a fresh wave of inspirational rage. "But I'm done with _you_, at least, and I think I'm happy with that. Bye, bitch; we're through." With this, I stormed out of the Great Hall, not bothering to look back at a thunderous Regina and the crowd of cheering Gryffindors; I was elated on the inside, but I had to look pissed, otherwise all credibility would be lost.

I went straight to my dormitory after the extremely public break up; I flopped on my bed, euphoric. I was done! I felt liberated; I didn't have to worry about anything anymore! It was cruel, what I had done to Regina, and I felt vaguely guilty about it somewhere in the back of my mind, but at the same time, look what she had done to me – I couldn't possibly forgive her for any of it without being horrible. It was just a fact of life.

Just as I thought this though, Remus came up, looking worried. I looked questioning, and he got straight to the point, for once. "It's Regina," he said. "She's throwing a fit, but it's not like her other ones – I think you really hurt her today."

"I know I did," I said. "I meant to. She can't just order me around like she does – I mean, I'm in love with another girl and she tries to ruin what little I have! She's a bitch, Remus, and I couldn't take it. Nothing would work."

Remus sighed and said, "James, I know you love Lily, but there are times when you just go too far. There are certain things you can't do to get what you want, and what you did to Regina was one of them. Now, I'm not going to make you apologize, but I would think that if you had any maturity or humanity in you, you would go."

I considered what he said for a couple of extremely painful minutes before I said, "Okay. I'll apologize. But what am I supposed to say?"

"Just that you're sorry for being so public about your break-up," Remus said. "You're a good person, James – you're not as cold as Sirius is. Don't think that you are."

I exhaled, and said, "All right. I'll talk to her. Where is she?"

"She's in her dormitory," Remus told me. "Knock on the door and tell you have to talk to her. She'll come out – I'm sure of it."

"Okay." I gave him a worried half-smile. "Are you sure this is a good idea though?"

"Yes," Remus confirmed. "Good luck; she's pretty distraught."

I sighed once more before I got up and left the dormitory. I went to Regina's room, and sure enough, I heard sobbing on the other end. I knocked lightly and said it was me, and wondered if I could come in. She said no. I said I had to talk to her – calmly this time – and she opened the door to me. I was astonished to see actual tears in her eyes; it was a well-known fact that Regina never cried. However, I kind of liked that she did; it showed that she had an actual interior to her, and was more vulnerable than she seemed to be.

"Hey," I said softly.

"What did you want to tell me?" she asked with a hiccup.

"That I was sorry for being so harsh," I said genuinely. "See, I have no experience with breaking up with clingy girls – Sirius told me to do what I did, and since I didn't know what else to do, I listened. It was stupid and I really shouldn't have done it."

"What I'm about to say goes against everything I've worked towards for five years, so you'd better not tell anyone – I'll kick your arse if you try," she said. "But I really did like you. I came on strong because that's just how I do things; nobody ever said anything before you did."

"Really? No one ever told you why they broke up with you?" Regina was notorious for her reputation of Queen Bitch; had she really got no idea why she'd earned the title?

"No," she admitted. "You were the first. But I'm fine; I don't care. I'll get over it." She was being hasty just because she hated being open, and I knew that, but I also knew that Regina was a fighter – she _would _be fine, just because she said she was going to be.

I smiled. "Okay. And again, I'm sorry."

"Good luck with Lily," she said sincerely. "She's a bitch, but if she's who you want, go ahead."

That was as close as I was going to get to Regina being nice, so I laughed and said, "Thanks. I'll need all the luck I can get." And, just because Regina was all right when she let her tough exterior come down, I kissed her cheek before I left. I felt a little bit better after setting the record, but I knew Sirius wouldn't agree at all; he believed in slashing and the leaving the wound to mend itself – I preferred to cheat a little bit when I slashed, and tried my best to help heal it. I amused myself for a few minutes imagining what Sirius would say when I told him.

I didn't have to imagine for long though; once I was back in the common room, Sirius and Peter were lounging around, talking. I went to join them, and they laughed hysterically the moment they saw me.

"That was fantastic, Prongs!" Peter said, guffawing for all he was worth. "Congratulations!"

"Damn amazing," Sirius agreed. "You learn fast, mate!"

"I actually went and told her I was sorry just now though," I said, grinning apologetically at Sirius. "I guess I don't learn as fast as you thought, eh?"

Sirius looked as though he would blow his top, but then he said, "I'll deal with that later, but I feel you should know – Evans used her Peter coupon to interrogate him just now. You do know that you implied that she was a bitch when you were yelling at Regina, don't you?"

"I did?" I thought back, and realized that I had. "Oh damn; I did! She knew I would because I wasn't paying attention! Shit, shit, shit; what am I going to do? Does she know?"

"We didn't tell her," Peter said. "But we don't know if Leila told her – Leila was there, and I bet she'll think Lily has a right to know."

"Damn." I sighed. "What should I do?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "Hope for the best, I guess; if Evans finds out, she'll kill you."

"I know," I said. "I think I'll go for a walk – that should help clear my head a little. I'll go admire the Quidditch pitch, how's that?"

"Go ahead," Peter said. "Sirius and I have to finish our parts for the Map – we're thinking of getting it done in about a week."

"Excellent." I grinned. "You guys work on that; I'll be in after about twenty minutes or so."

I walked out of the common room and out through the main doors, enjoying the burst of breeze that exploded in my face the moment I stepped outside. It was still chilly, despite it being nearly May, but I liked it – better cold than hot, I've always said. I began to go to the Quidditch pitch, imagining us winning the semi-finals in five days, and then winning the finals. It was possible, of course, but it would still be a dream-come-true – I loved winning the Quidditch Cup for Gryffindor. However, I wouldn't try to win it for the cup itself; I would try to win it for Lily. Though she hates Quidditch, she has Gryffindor pride; the cup would make her happy, so I would win it simply to see her eyes light up when she saw the final score. That made me smile just to myself; seeing Lily, cheering along with everyone else for me, was something I wanted badly, and may possibly get in a few days. I felt my smile get bigger, and I knew it was because of that prospect – nothing besides Lily could make me smile that way.

I continued to linger outside for a few more minutes before going inside and writing about everything that's been going on. It has, quite frankly, been a bit overwhelming, but I can't shake that feeling that something will happen soon – something I've been waiting for. Something I want. No matter what Lily does to me, I just have that intuition telling me, 'Hang on! She'll come around soon!' It's probably fruitless, but I'm trying to believe in the optimism, because if I don't, my life will be over – I _have_ no life without Lily Evans. She'll return my love one day; she has to, otherwise I have no more reason to live. Melodramatic? Yeah, I know; it's just that this is true love – true love makes no sense, as a rule. She's everything to me; always has been and always will be.

You know, my mum used to tell me, "Don't let someone become your everything, because when they leave you, you'll have nothing." I suppose I just don't like to listen to directions, do I?

_A/N: That last phrase was an icon or something like that; I liked it and I used it. But yeah, that chapter took me forever, just because I'm a procrastinator trying to find inspiration that refused to like me, but now it's done, and you'd better review so that I can write the next chapter faster. :P_


	43. Mission Impossible

_A/N: Sorry for the slow update, you guys; I'm suffering from block again, and I've had a ton of homework from my honors classes. But now that Regina's out of the way, you probably want Lily to move in to James. Well, for once, I'm about to give you what you want! Aren't you excited? Ha, I bet you are. But I'm not going to stick them together right away (yes, I can hear you groaning from your computer wherever you are in this big, big world, lol) – I'm going to set up for it in this chapter, and actually make it all happen next chapter. So for now, just sit tight, read this (I actually think it's all right! Yay!), and hope I have the time to make the next chapter happen, since it's the turning point of the fic. :P_

_Songs to listen to:_

_Lily: Poison (I prefer the Groove Coverage version), Open Your Eyes (LMNT), and Speechless (The Veronicas)._

_James: The song Battle (Colbie Caillat) is perfect when he's addressing Lily; otherwise, there's Be Your Love (Rachel Yamagata) and Everywhere (Michelle Branch)._

**Lily**

May 5th

Dear Diary,

I'm getting a tiny bit worried.

It's because of you, actually, diary. I'm scared for you; since you're my diary and all, you know everything about me, including things I don't tell other people. You are my sanctuary, and if anyone found/read what was in you, I think I'd die. That's why I'm going to protect you a little more vigorously than usual (if that's possibly, anyway) until the end of the year – I don't want any of my secrets out there, because that would just about destroy me.

It may seem that I'm getting too over-protective at a very random time, but actually, I'm not, which scares me. I started to worry after the Quidditch semi-finals; Leila and I, being Gryffindor supporters, made our pilgrimage to the stadium to dutifully watch the match, though I still kept a book and an umbrella to deflect flyaway Quidditch balls anyway. James was playing, obviously, and he was still full of flirtatious gestures to show me during the game. Other times, when he had done that, I had hidden my face and burned with hatred; this time though, I kept a straight face – no emotion, no nothing. I was a bitch, yet he was still flirting with me; what was there to say about something like that?

Leila kept trying to make me wave back, but I didn't allow her to; I just took my hand away and continued to concentrate at how many points our Chasers were scoring (James scored six by himself, but who was counting?). We won the match, which was very good, of course, but I wasn't all that excited; it was just Quidditch. Sure, I'd celebrate for the final victory at the very end of the year, but that was because I'd have the time to care – now, I'm very busy cramping for the O. W. L.'s again. During the middle of the year, I kind of slacked off because of the weirdness around me; I'm paying for it now by working like a madwoman. It tires me out, but I know it'll all be worth it. However, one of the prices I pay is having no other life or interests during my study time, which clearly sucks, but what can I do besides hold on and hope for the best?

After the match was over and we were allowed to go inside, Leila began to talk about how I should definitely tell James I was in love with him. Now that we were both over that emotional speed-bump of me falling too hard to be healthy for him, she was ready to be her usual bubbly self, trying to push me into something I should probably take and wouldn't.

"Really, you should," she said. "He is so in love with you, you couldn't even imagine it!"

"Quite frankly, I doubt that," I said as we continued to walk. "I mean, I love him in ways I never thought I'd ever love anyone. How can that arrogant prick Potter feel the same way about me? His system would crash – he just can't."

"You know as well as I do that he's a sweet, sensitive guy," Leila almost reprimanded me. "He _adores_ you; just tell him that you return his feelings! I mean, it would probably help him sleep better at night, knowing that the love of his life at least likes him back."

"We've been over this," I said. "He was tired of falling in love with bitches like me and Regina; whatever might have happened between us has already been destroyed. End of story."

"You are so damn stubborn," she complained.

"I'm just careful," I clarified. "I know what's meant to be and what isn't – I've done this before, Leils, and I don't like what I end up with. I guess true, available love just isn't going to find me." It hurt to admit that, but it was reality – James wasn't in love with me anymore, no matter how much I wanted him to be.

"That's because you kept looking in the wrong places," Leila said. "He was right there, the whole time! He's always been there for you, doing nothing but waiting for you to get it together – all you have to do is open your bloody eyes, run into his arms, and let him take you!"

"Stop," I said sharply. "I know I'm in love. I know that it's real, it's true, and it's everything love should be, but that doesn't mean that it's just going to _work_. So many 'meant-to-be' relationships haven't worked; what makes you so sure that ours is one of them?"

"Because you're Lily and he's James," Leila said simply. "And you're in love. That's enough to make it work."

I looked at her, at a loss for words; what she was saying was good for me – go and just bloody tell him – but at the same time, I couldn't explain that tightening sensation in my lower intestines that kept me from doing it for months. I tried to formulate sentences, but at that moment, James himself appeared at my side, beaming, almost frightening me.

"Hey Lils," he said brightly. "Great match, eh? On to the finals!"

"Don't call me that, and it was nice," I said coolly. "You guys did a good job."

His face fell a little at my lack of enthusiasm. "Did you watch?"

"Of course I watched," I said, miffed. "I watched the entire thing, thank you very much. I just don't have much to say about it."

"Excuse her," Leila said for me. "She's a bit challenged when it comes to being excited. Anyway, do you think the team's ready for the finals?"

"Hell yes!" James let out a loud whoop. "It's going to be fantastic, and I'm counting on you two girls to watch – will you?"

"Yeah," Leila said, grinning. "Oh, and Lily has something to tell you."

"I do?" She couldn't be doing this; she knew I would kill her.

"Yes; you tell him and I'll see you both later." She grinned, pushed me towards James, and ran off; she was as good as dead. I was about to chase after her and kick her upside the head, but James didn't operate that way – he simply put his arm around my shoulder and began to take me down to the castle.

"Stop that," I said. "You're going to get mud all over my robes." I shook him away and tried to go ahead, but being an athlete, he caught up to me effortlessly.

"Sorry," he said, even though chances were that he wasn't sorry at all. "So Lils; what did you have to tell me?"

"First of all, my name is Lily, not Lils," I said. "And second of all, I didn't have anything to tell you; it was just Leila being stupid."

"Well, I'm glad, because I had to talk to you anyway," he said. "What's going on with you? You haven't spoken to me at all in nearly a week; normally you at least yell at me, but you haven't even been doing that."

"I thought that would have been obvious by now," I said coldly. "After what you said."

"What did I say?"

"Oh, like you don't know," I said, my voice rising. "Why do you still flirt with me? It's completely contradictory. Although, I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised; you live to confuse me."

"What are you talking about?" James demanded, all cheeriness gone by this point. "I honestly don't know what I did this time; care to tell me?"

"I'm talking about you calling me a bitch!" I hollered at him. "You said it about me the afternoon you broke up with Regina; you called me a bitch, and you thought I'd never hear about it! Well, you're wrong; I know, and I don't appreciate it."

"What?" He wrinkled his nose as he always did when he was thinking something through, but then his expression turned into one of understanding. "Oh, you mean that? Lil, it's not what you think –"

"Oh? So what was it, then?" I asked bitterly. "Was it your twin brother over there, breaking up with Regina and calling me a bitch? Were you under Veritaserum? Did Sirius dare you to do it?"

"Lily, I swear on every living relative I have that I didn't mean to call you a bitch," he said genuinely. "I was angry; I was shouting at Regina, she asked me if I thought you were a bitch when she knew I was too out-of-control to know what I was saying, and I didn't even answer – I just said 'whatever,' and she, as well as everyone else, took that as a yes. I'm so sorry if you thought I hated you."

I wanted to believe him – really, I did. But I didn't; I said, "That does change things, but I don't know…"

"Get to know," he said. "I love you; I may get mad at you sometimes, but that's understandable – I'm never going to hate you."

It didn't matter that his hands (and now my arms) were caked with dirt, it didn't matter that we were in the middle of a huge crowd of people; it didn't even matter that I wanted to throw him off the Astronomy Tower moments before – all that mattered was the intense stare that he gave me following his statement. I took a deep breath, and I told him, "This won't work out. We've talked about this before – we just aren't going to be together. Ever."

"There are so many things that won't work out in our lives, Lil, but our relationship isn't one of them," he said. "You have to trust me – let me in."

If only he knew how much I wanted to do just that…but at the same time, if only he knew why I couldn't. I opened my mouth to say something, but he gently touched my chin to make it close.

"C'mon; we'll continue this discussion in the common room," he said in my ear as he tried to whisk me away. However, I held my ground, and I said, "There's nothing more to discuss. Just stop it, James; I'm not ready for this." I finally broke free of his arms, and feeling like I'd left a chunk of me behind with him, I ran to the castle; I had to be alone.

I went to my dormitory and I grabbed you out of my drawer, obviously, since I would need to write, and I went down to the common room. When I got there though, I got a surprise; it was Leila, who was in the middle of hysterics – I could decipher her usual conflict of excitement and horror. I approached her, suspicious. "What happened?" I asked her.

"Lily, you would _not_ believe this," she said, giggling nervously.

"What?" I asked again, curious as I put you on the table.

"Peter Pettigrew asked me out!" She screamed. "He honestly asked me out!"

"You're joking!" I screamed back. "Tell me everything!"

And she did – apparently, she had been coming back from the Quidditch pitch when Peter had found her. He asked her what she thought of the game and other related, useless filler questions before he actually expressed a desire to go with her to Hogsmeade; when she got to that point in the story, she refused to look at me, though I didn't know why.

"So what did you say?" I questioned. "Tell me!"

"I said I'd think about it," she said. "What should I tell him, Lils?"

"An honest answer," I said. "No. It would be better for him to get the truth right now as opposed to later, right?"

"That is right," Leila agreed. "I think I'll just tell him no. I mean, if James asked me out, that would be different. But if it's Remus, Sirius, or Peter, then no way."

"What's wrong with Remus?" I asked, stung on his behalf.

"He's just too…" Leila began to fidget and flail her arms like she always did when she was trying to find the words which weren't coming to her. "He's so quiet. I could never be able to live with the silences he would be sure to provide. Besides, he doesn't even like me, so it doesn't matter."

"Remus talks," I said resentfully. "I've had intelligent, wholesome, helpful conversations with him before, and quite frankly, I wish I'd end up with him rather than James."

"Well, he's not my type," Leila said. "I prefer the cuter, more rebellious types; Remus is about as rebellious as a hard-boiled egg."

"I suppose, but I adore Remus, and I think that if he asked you out, you should say yes," I said shortly. "You never know; he might be the right one for you."

"How about if I go out with Peter, you go out with James?" Leila suggested, a mischievous look in her eyes.

I glared at her, but took a deep, slow breath to clear my thoughts and resist the urge to strangle her. "No. You are not going to go out with Peter and I am not going to out with James; that's fine."

"Fine," Leila said, giggling. "But hey – you get the treat of a lifetime if you do what you know what you want to do; I think it's a damn fair deal."

"Yeah, you go think that while I ignore you," I said, turning away.

"You are so in denial," she accused me. "Admit what you feel. But not to me – to him."

"Telling you was hard enough," I insisted. "Leave me alone."

Leila sighed dramatically. "Fine, fine; I'm sorry. I just get excited. I know you guys could work out – I just know it. The hell of it is that you don't let it work out."

"I want it to work – really, I do," I said. "But anyone that I let near me can hurt me; I don't want to that to happen again. It's hard enough when other people do it – if James does it, I don't think I'd be able to get over it; the stakes are just too high."

"Take a chance," she said to me seriously. "Lily, do you ever want to be happy?"

"Of course I do," I said.

"Then go for him." She took a breath before saying, "Lils, real love only comes around once in a lifetime. You got it early, and you got it easy, compared to some people. Take the chance! It could pay off."

"Or it could break me," I reminded her. "Not taking it this time. Try again another day."

She was about to tell me something else, but at the exact moment, James opened the portrait hole to enter, clean this time, and met our eyes. He came over to me, and he noticed my diary on the table with me hovering over it. He looked questioningly at me and asked me, "What is that?"

"A journal," I said cautiously. "What do you want?"

"It's my common room too, Lily," he pointed out. "I can come in here if I want to."

I didn't say anything because he was completely justified, but I was saved from saying anything else by Leila saying, "James, do you mind telling Peter that I said no?"

"No for what?" James's interest sparked up at once.

"Just tell him no – he'll know what I mean, and if he wants to tell you, then he will," Leila said breezily.

"Fine," James said. "But Lily, what is that journal?"

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because you're standing over it as though it's priceless treasure." James gestured at my protective stance. "It was a simple question."

"It's got stuff in it," I informed him.

"What kind of stuff?" He was starting to smile rather coyly now; what an overly-flirtatious-prick-type thing to do.

"Personal stuff," I said. "Stuff so secret, I'd murder you if you knew what it was." The moment I said those words, I knew I had made a dire mistake; I had as good as told him to try to read you by saying that it was secret. I wanted to kick myself, but I couldn't; I was forced to look at him with a defiant glare, hoping he would realize that I didn't want to talk to him, and that he would leave me alone.

"Really?" James looked contemplatively at you. "Then I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

With that, he left. Just like that.

The moment he was gone, I hugged you close to my chest and gave Leila a panicked look. "He's going to take it from me," I whispered fearfully.

"Lily, relax," Leila soothed me. "He's not going to take anything from you; he's too sweet for that. Don't worry."

"He's going to," I said a little louder. "He loves invading my privacy – he has been doing it since first year, Leils, and this year is not any different."

"Since when has he invaded your privacy?" she asked. "He's never done that."

"Do you remember in third year, I had that little box of all the notes we ever passed in Transfiguration? Do you remember how James took it, read every single one, and told people what we had written?" I demanded.

"Oh yeah," Leila said. "But hey, none of that stuff was too personal – it wasn't a big deal."

"It was a big deal because he went through my stuff!" I persisted. "That's terrible manners. And, not only that, but he is always trying to ask me out, kiss me, cuddle me, and bother me – that is _not_ the way to a woman's heart, Leila, and I know that he's going to try reading my diary. He'll find some sort of justification for it, but it's all going to be bullshit; the things I have in that book are too private for anyone but me."

"Lily, you are completely overreacting," Leila said. "Besides, he's only trying to show you that he cares; he just does it more openly than most guys do. How is the way to your heart then, my dear Lils? Since James isn't doing it right?"

"The way to my heart is to show me you care, but not overwhelm me," I said. "I want a boy that can love me without annoying me. He has to be sensitive to how I'm feeling, and not constantly ask me if I'm okay when he knows I'm not. He has to be my life vest when I start to drown, the voice of reason when I'm about to do something stupid. And, generally, he has to know how to do all of this without me telling him; I just want that perfect match that I know is out there somewhere."

"That's all anyone wants," Leila said gently. "The perfect match. But Lily, your perfect match is James and you know it. He may not be able to do everything exactly the way you want, but he's close, and what he does do is enough for you. Your heart is set on James, and sweetie, you need to get him."

"I won't," I said with a pout. "I'm not going to get him because even if I love him and he's enough for me, _I'm_ not enough for _him_."

Leila exhaled very, very irately when I said that. "You are, and you know that one too. He's been telling you that for ages, Lily, _ages._"

"But when he spends more time with me, he'll get tired of me," I said desperately. "Leila, I don't want him to take me when I don't know if he'll leave me. I've had enough of that."

"He won't!" Leila seized my shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Let me set you straight here – James is in love with you. Only on his dying day will he leave you. You are all he has ever wanted, and all he will ever want. He will never get tired of having you with him; he's probably more afraid of it being the other way around. He is The One for you, and you are The One for him – that's just how it is. Does that make sense?"

I bit my lip. "Yes, that makes sense."

"And what are you going to do about it?"

I took a deep breath. "I am going to tell him that I'm in love with him and would like to fervently snog him until my lungs give out."

"And when are you going to do that?"

"Very soon," I said resignedly.

"Which is when?"

"Next week," I said.

"Good enough for me," Leila answered. "So long as you actually do it."

"Okay." I sighed heavily. "This is just so demented; never in a million years would I ever think I could have romantic feelings for James Bloody Potter."

"I know it must feel odd, but you're just…_right_," Leila said, smiling slightly. "You have so much chemistry – you already sound like a married couple."

"I won't ever marry him," I promised. "I'll go out with him, I'll be with him, and I'll love him, but I won't marry him. No – that's out of the question."

"Well, quit worrying about marriage and focus on getting together as a couple first," Leila said. "I actually have to get to a few things today, so I'm going to have to leave you to your thoughts – just make sure they're rational and I'll be okay. Can you do that?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes, I can."

"Good." She gave me a huge grin, patted my back, and left the room. I held you, my wonderful, private diary, to my chest, went up to my dormitory, and got out my quill and ink to write about what had happened today. But I do hope you stay confidential like I intend for you to; you are my closest friend, so that is why you can betray me more soundly than anyone ever could.

So, for now, I just want to say this: James Potter, if you ever get to read this sentence, know that you are dead meat and I plan to murder you on first opportunity. Thank you.

**James**

May 5th

Dear Diary,

Today, I have given myself a new mission: I am going to read Lily Evans' blue diary no matter what it takes.

Why am I going to do this? Because it's her _diary_ – if she's as open with hers as I am with mine, then I've got a gold mine of valuable information ready for me to read. How do I know she has one? Well, that's rather an interesting story; I think I'll tell it.

See, I found out about my mission after the Quidditch semi-final match today. We were playing against Ravenclaw, who have been eerily good lately, and of course, we won. But during the game, I played hard, scoring a bunch of points, but I also made time to flirt with Lily, as always. She was being strange though; she refused to show me any emotion at all – not even a glare to show me that she was pissed off at me. I was curious about it; so much so that I nearly dropped the Quaffle once, though no one noticed at the time. I was just completely unnerved; Lily almost always acknowledged my presence, either negatively or positively, and not having her do so felt quite different, but in a bad way.

After the match was over, I sought Lily out while she was walking in with Leila. I knew I was filthy – when we landed after the Snitch had been caught, the Gryffindor team got into a huge, pile-on group hug in the mud – but I knew I had to find out what was wrong with her.

"Hey Lils," I said in my misleadingly bright voice. "Great match, eh? On to the finals!"

"Don't call me that, and it was nice; you guys did a good job," Lily said, her tone frosty and her smile steely.

I could feel my expression begin to fall, but it wasn't only because she was completely unimpressed about our victory – it was because she was too cold for me. "Did you watch?" I decided to ask.

"Of course I watched," Lily said, annoyed. "I watched the entire thing, thank you very much – I just don't have much to say about it."

"Excuse her; she's a bit challenged when it comes to being excited," Leila cut in. "Anyway, do you think the team's ready for finals?"

Now, no matter what Lily said or did to me, I couldn't resist bait like that – did Leila know it? "Hell yes," I said. "It's going to be fantastic, and I'm counting on you two girls to watch – will you?"

"Yeah," Leila said, giving me a rather cheeky smile. "Oh, and Lily has something to tell you."

My first thought was, 'she did?' It seemed that Lily's was too – she hadn't been planning to tell me anything; I could see it in her eyes.

"Yes, she does," Leila confirmed for the both of us. "You tell him, Lils, and I'll see you two later."

And, with that, she just kind of left us there, confused, near the entrance of the castle.

Lily wasn't in the mood to stay with me – it was evident in the way she looked at me – but she decided to take action by attempting to run away. I wasn't going to let her do that; I had to ask her a few questions, and since I was given the opportunity to, I was going to use it. I put my arm around her shoulder and tried to take her to the castle, but of course, she moved my arm away ("You're going to get mud all over my robes!") and quickened her walk. Of course, I caught right up to her, and I inquired, "So Lils; what did you have to tell me?"

"First of all, my name is Lily, not Lils," she said. "And second of all, I didn't have anything to tell you; it was just Leila being stupid."

"Well, I'm okay with the chance to talk to you anyway, since I've been looking for it for a couple of days now," I said. "What's going on with you? You haven't spoken to me at all in nearly a week; normally you at least yell at me, but you haven't even bee doing that.

"I thought that would have been obvious by now," Lily said, that cooled edge in her tone of voice once more. "After what you said."

"What did I say?" I was genuinely curious; what in the name of Merlin had I said this time?

"Oh, like you didn't know," she said, starting to raise her voice. "Why do you still flirt with me? It's completely contradictory. Although, I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised; you live to confuse me."

"What are you talking about?" I was ready to just cut the act and talk to her openly; she was holding something against me, and I had no idea what it was, so it was better for her just to tell me. "I honestly don't know what I did; care to tell me?"

"I'm talking about you calling me a bitch!" she finally screamed at me. "You said it the day you broke up with Regina; you called me a bitch and you thought I'd never hear about it! Well, you're wrong; I know, and I don't appreciate it."

"What?" I thought on this revelation for a moment, and then I remembered – Leila _had_ told her. Damn; that spelled trouble. "Oh, you mean that? Lil, it's not what you think –"

"Oh? So what was it then?" she asked me, her voice more bitter than I'd ever heard it before. "Was it your twin brother there, breaking up with Regina and calling me a bitch? Were you under Veritaserum? Did Sirius dare you to do it?"

I couldn't believe her; she thought that I considered her a bitch! As if I could; didn't she know that? Didn't she realize how much she meant to me? Didn't she understand that she was misinformed and this was all a misunderstanding?

I tried to tell her what happened, and I swore to her I hadn't meant it in the way she thought, but it wasn't any use; she just said she didn't know what to think. I tried to tell her that I wouldn't ever hate her, too, but that didn't work either; she simply said, "This won't work out. We've talked about this before – we just aren't going to be together. Ever."

To that, I said, "There are so many things that won't work out in our lives, Lil, but how I feel about you isn't one of them. Trust me – let me in."

She opened her mouth to say something, but I didn't want to hear it; we were outside, in the middle of a huge mass of people, and I wouldn't be able to say what I wanted. I closed her mouth with a touch on her chin, and I said, "C'mon – we'll continue this discussion in the common room."

This time though, Lily refused to cooperate at all; she said she wasn't ready for anything, and she went right back into the castle, leaving me alone. I sighed, a melancholy darkness settling into my chest again. Why did she always have to do that to me? She really didn't know; no matter how hard I tried, she would never understand how I felt about her. She made it very clear that she hated me, but I couldn't accept it – I was in love, and it was a love that wouldn't go away, no matter how much we both wanted it to sometimes. Was this what it was like to be in love? If it was, I can see why people hate it. It isn't beautiful; it's more painful than anything on earth.

I trudged into the changing rooms and got cleaned up, too unhappy about Lily to celebrate anymore. I wanted to enjoy myself, but I kept thinking about how she had looked at me when I told her I loved her – she was so torturously unsure of it. She honestly doubted that what I was saying was true! How could she? For someone so smart, she was unbelievably stupid sometimes.

I walked up to the common room with Lily still dominating my thoughts, and when I was near the portrait hole, I found Sirius and Remus talking together. Remus saw me and flagged me over, and I joined them.

"Congratulations, Prongs," Sirius complimented me, giving me a high-five. "Kick-ass job today."

"Thanks Padfoot," I said moodily.

"Is it Lily?" Remus asked at once, sympathetic. It was just amazing how he could always tell when I was upset about her; was I really that obsessed with her? I probably was.

"Yeah," I said. "She thinks I don't love her."

Sirius burst out laughing. "How could she think that? You've only told her constantly for five years."

"That's what I thought too," I said. "But the way she looks at me and talks to me…I never know what she really feels. I don't know if she likes me or not; she's always mercurial about it. One day she looks at me like she really is in love with me, but the next day, she blows me off, just like normal. Girls are such complicated creatures."

"They are," Sirius agreed. "That's why I go through them quickly; they're always so weird, and it's like, who wants a complicated chick around all the time?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "If girls are too complicated for your simplistic mind, I don't quite see why you date like crazy anyway."

"Well, because girls, while strange, are sexy," Sirius explained. "And I need something to do when I'm avoiding my homework."

I wasn't sure why Remus was always so bothered about Sirius's dating habits; we were all used to it, yet he constantly complained. Sirius noticed it as well; he threw Remus a look in response to Remus's second roll of the eyes and asked, "Why do you care so much? It's my life, not yours."

"You should live it well," Remus insisted. "Instead of having sex with girls as a hobby, you should consider getting more serious about sports or schoolwork or something. It's much healthier."

"I like having sex with girls," Sirius said indignantly. "When you try it, you'll see why."

"That's just sick," Remus said, making a face. "You shouldn't be doing it simply to entertain yourself! It should mean something; it should be commitment."

"I am committed," Sirius said. "I am committed to having a good time."

"I mean committed to the girl," Remus clarified. "You shouldn't just have sex with her one night and then dump her the next – that's not fair."

"Why isn't it?" Sirius asked. "If I stick to one girl too long, I get bored. Like, I'm thinking of dumping Kyleigh soon too."

"Why?" I asked in spite of myself. "You really liked her. I thought you'd continue it."

"I also thought I would, but we were both wrong," Sirius said nonchalantly. "I mean, Kyles is a nice girl, but she is just…headstrong. Stubborn. She sleeps with me in my bed every night, and I can't say no. That's why I'm thinking of just finishing it once and for all."

"Do you like having her around?" I asked.

"Well, yes, but I don't want to be dependent on her," Sirius said. "I keep my pace of life quick and full; I can't hang back with her because that will ruin my flow."

"That's awful, Padfoot," Remus reprimanded. "Stay with her; break it off only if you really, really feel you must. Don't break it off just because you don't want to ruin your 'flow'."

That was about as deep as Sirius could stand; he quickly changed the subject to avoid talking more about Kyleigh. "Where's Peter, do you know?"

"No," I realized. "Have you seen him, Remus?"

"I haven't," he admitted. "He was walking just behind Lily and Leila after the match today, but after that, I didn't see him at all. I thought he was with you, James."

"I was busy being blown off by Lily," I said, hoping to sound casual. "Shall we go look for him in the dormitory?"

"Yeah, okay," Sirius said. "But first I have to find Kyleigh; she wanted to go out tonight and I said I'd get back to her."

"Are you going then?" Remus beat me to asking the question.

"Mhmm," Sirius said with a nod. "See you two later." He waved and ran down the corridor again to find Kyleigh while Remus and I looked at each other, trying to figure out what to do next.

"I reckon I want to go to the library and finish the last of my homework," Remus said. "I have a bit of research to do. Would you like to join me?"

"Nah," I said. "I'm going to the dormitory to find Peter and practice a couple of Map spells."

"The Map!" Remus smiled. "I almost forgot about that. I have to research a bit for that as well; thanks for reminding me. See you later, Prongs."

"Later, Moony," I said, smiling as well as I opened the portrait hole and went in. When I did, I found Lily and Leila in the middle of a conversation in the common room, looking with surprise at me. I took in the scene – a shocked Lily who was guarding a small, blue book with a highly startled Leila next to her – and then I asked Lily, "What is that?"

"A journal," she said. "What do you want?"

"It's my common room too, Lily," I pointed out evenly. "I can come in here if I want to."

Lily shut up at that one, but Leila said, "James, do you mind telling Peter that I said no?"

"No for what?"

"Just tell him no," she repeated. "He'll know what I mean, and if he wants to tell you, then he will."

"Fine," I said, losing interest as I turned back to Lily. "But what is in that journal?"

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because you're standing over it as though it's priceless treasure," I said, mystified. "It was a simple question – relax."

"It's got stuff in it," she told me.

"What kind of stuff?" I asked, grinning. Her word games were annoying, but they were kind of funny.

"Personal stuff," she shot at me. "Stuff so secret, I'd murder you if you knew what it was."

Why didn't she just say, 'I've got a secret I want to tell you – come here and read it?' It would have worked just as well.

"Really?" I smiled and kept my eyes on the book. "Then I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

And I left before she could say anything more – I bounded into my dormitory, excited. I was about to start planning on what I would do to steal Lily's book, but then I saw Peter, lying motionless on his bed, staring at the ceiling. I looked at him, baffled, and asked what was wrong.

He looked to me, and he said, "Nothing; I'm just wondering what possessed me to do it."

"What did you do?"

"Something stupid," he said with a sulk.

"Oh, and Leila says no," I said, remembering with a jolt. "I don't know what for though; what was it?"

"I knew it," he said with a groan.

"Knew what?" I was starting to get rather impatient; what was going on that I didn't know about?

"I asked Leila out," Peter confessed gloomily. "I don't know why; I just went up to her, babbled a bit, and asked her out to Hogsmeade. She looked at me as though I'd just grown an extra head and said she'd think about it. Obviously, she said no."

"Aww, I'm sorry, Pete," I said sympathetically. "That absolutely sucks." I patted his shoulder. "But it's not the end of the world, is it? You can always try again another time. I would know; I've been through this often enough with Lily."

"I don't know why I did it," he said. "I just…she was looking pretty, and it was spur-of-the-moment thing – I didn't plan it or anything. It was stupid though; wasted effort."

"You're a Marauder; you can't possibly give up on a girl," I reminded him. "Look at me and Lily! I've been at her for five years and I'm still nowhere; but I'm still trying, aren't I? Sirius keeps going at girls, and Remus is looking as well – we're all going to get married to gorgeous girls when we're out of Hogwarts, and if you like Leila, go for her."

"She doesn't like me," he whined.

"Lily hates me, but I'm going to make her the mother of my kid no matter what," I said. "But it's all good – you shouldn't wallow about it. I've tried it, and trust me when I say that it doesn't help anything."

Peter shrugged morosely, but asked, "Where are Sirius and Remus?"

"Probably arguing about something or another," I said, laughing. "Right now, Remus's issue is that Sirius is too flippant about dating and should try slowing down a little to actually commit to a girl."

He rolled his eyes, but laughed too. "Why does he care so much?"

"I wish I knew," I said, snickering. "But they'll get over it; they're Marauders, and Marauders are close – we don't fight for long."

"I guess." Peter sighed. "So how's the map work going?"

"Fine," I said. "I actually got my spells down pretty well – now all we have to do is actually finish the thing. We're not going to be able to use it this year, but we'll definitely use it next year."

"Excellent." Peter grinned. "I'm telling you; that map is going to be something huge, even if we're not here to see it."

"I know." I smiled at the thought of sharing the credit for making a Hogwarts legend. "It's going to be the best thing anyone's ever seen."

"Definitely," Peter agreed with me.

We began to discuss the many possibilities of the Marauder's Map, but while we were, Sirius and Remus burst in, bellowing and arguing for all they were worth. Peter and I exchanged very bewildered looks as we watched them come in, shout incomprehensibly, and sit on opposite ends of the dormitory while still hollering at each other.

"What the hell is going on here?" I finally yelled at them. "What are you arguing about?!"

"Pudding!" Sirius barked, nearly blue in the face from shouting so long. "Chocolate versus vanilla!"

"Vanilla!" Remus screamed. "Vanilla is infinitely better than chocolate and you know it, Sirius Black!"

"Chocolate is vital!" Sirius screeched. "CHOCOLATE IS BETTER!"

"VANILLA!"

"CHOCOLATE!"

"VANILLA!"

"CHOCOLATE!"

"VANILLA!"

"CHOCOLATE IS THE REASON WE LIVE!"

"VANILLA IS HEALTHIER!"

"CHOCOLATE IS BETTER TASTING!"

"YOU MEAN TASTES BETTER, YOU IDIOT!"

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT GRAMMAR!"

"I DO! DOES THAT MAKE ME A NOBODY?"

"MAYBE IT DOES!"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?" I roared at them after a few minutes of listening to them shriek. "Why the _hell_ does it matter if vanilla or chocolate tastes better?!"

"Because chocolate is better and Moony says it isn't," Sirius pouted.

Remus rolled his eyes but glared at Sirius nonetheless. "It's the other way around – vanilla is better and Sirius won't admit it."

Just as Sirius was about to counter this, I cleared my throat and said, "I like both chocolate and vanilla, so can this please be done now? I have to talk to you guys about something."

"What do you want to tell us?" Sirius inquired.

"Well, see, today, I discovered that Lily Evans keeps a diary," I explained to my three friends.

"She does?" Mischief lit Sirius's dark eyes.

"Yes," I said. "I want to steal it, and I want to ask the Marauders what the best way to do it is."

"That's terrible," Remus said reproachfully. "You shouldn't steal Lily's diary; that's just not right. It's her own journal – you should get her permission to read it."

"She's not going to give me permission, which is why I have to take it from her," I said. "How should I do it?"

"You shouldn't," Remus began to say, but then Sirius interrupted by saying, "I think it's a brilliant idea! Just sneak it out of her bag when she's out of the room – it's easy and you get a look into her screwed up head!"

Remus glared at Sirius once more. "Sirius, stop being a bastard; going into Lily's diary is a bad thing."

"I'm not being a bastard," Sirius said, evidently stung. "I'm being honest – it's a good idea. I mean, she's going to have written about James, right? Shouldn't he know what she said?"

"He shouldn't know unless Lily wants him to know," Remus insisted. "Don't you dare take that diary from her, James."

"Pete, what do you say?" I asked, turning to Peter.

"I say go for it," Peter suggested. "Think about it this way – if she doesn't tell you herself, you have to go for it in whatever way you can."

"That's right," I said, beaming. "Thanks, Wormtail!"

"Wow," Sirius said, impressed. "Didn't see something that wise coming from you."

"Thanks," Peter said sarcastically. "But really – take her diary."

"Don't," Remus pleaded. "It's an invasion of privacy; she won't like that."

"But I need to know this," I said. "I need to know what she really feels about me. All throughout my teenage years, I've wondered and I've waited – I've had enough of that by this point. I'm going to take matters into my own hands – Sirius is right; she has to have written about me, so I should know about it."

"You shouldn't," Remus continued to persist. "Don't jinx things for her; if she has to tell you something, she will. Her diary is just to keep her thoughts together, and it's not for anyone else – if it was, you would have read it long ago. Just don't go into her diary, okay?"

"I'm going to," I said. "Sorry Moony, but I'm going to. Sirius's idea for getting it out of her bag is good – I'm going to use it. Thanks, Pads."

"No problem." Sirius saluted me. "Are we done here? Good, because I'm extremely hungry. C'mon Pete; I want some _vanilla _pudding – you want to get some with me?"

"Sure," Peter said, smiling as he got up to join Sirius. "Want to come, Moony?"

"No," Remus snapped. "Go eat your pudding; I don't give a damn."

Sirius shrugged. "Will do; bye." He and Peter left the dormitory and Remus threw dirty looks at the door after them while I watched in amusement.

"Why were you guys arguing about pudding, out of curiosity?" I asked.

"It's nothing," he said, disgruntled.

"And what's with all the swearing?" I grinned. "You've sworn more today than I've ever heard you say."

"Sirius aggravates me," Remus said. "He aggravates you too."

"I know, but you're…different when you argue with him," I said. "I can't put my finger on it."

Remus shrugged. "Forget about that for now – concentrate on the right thing. Don't read Lily's diary."

"I'm going to," I said. "Lily is shy – you've said it yourself. What if she wants me to know something and she just won't tell me? What if she needs me? I won't know because she doesn't bloody tell me; that means I've got to find out by myself. And besides; to do the right thing, you sometimes have to do the wrong thing in the middle."

"Think twice about this, would you?" Remus begged.

"Of course," I said. "I thought about it a lot just now, and I'm going to continue thinking about it, but I think I'm going to read it. I have to; I need to know what Lily Evans is trying to hide from me and the rest of the world."

With that, I took my own diary out and went downstairs to the empty common room, where I am right now. I suppose I do feel kind of bad about wanting to take Lily's diary – what would I say if someone saw mine? – but I know I'm going to have to do this anyway. I mean, if Lily wanted to read my diary, I'd let her because I love her and I want her to know me. It's not like I'm doing something to her that I wouldn't want done to myself. So it all works, doesn't it? I'm trying to convince myself that it does.

Wish me luck then; I plan on doing my mission tomorrow and writing about reading her journal the day afterwards.

All I can say is that I hope this is the right wrong thing I'm doing.

_A/N: You know where this is going and you're probably excited. I know I am! But review; hopefully the next chapter will be up in a few days._


	44. Confrontation and Confession

_A/N: Okay, lots of housekeeping stuff to attend to before the chapter begins:_

_**Firstly, NO, this is NOT the last chapter!!! I have a few chapters still waiting to be posted up, as well as the final entries! Wait for me to put those up as well; I told you we'd finish at Chapter 50 or 51! **_

_Secondly, if you reviewed earlier, I already told you this, but I leave the Remus/Sirius slash up to you – it's one of the few things I end up leaving open-ended. I personally hate blatant slash – hints don't bother me, but blatant stuff does – so I'm never actually going to make them 'get together.' Just so you know._

_Thirdly, to the people who suggested that Lily should read James's diary (I forget who you all are, I'm sorry!) – thank you so much. :)_

_Fourthly, songs to listen to throughout the chapter (there's loads this time!): _

_Someone (D. H. T.)  
All You Wanted (Michelle Branch)  
Extraordinary (Mandy Moore)  
What If's (Natasha Bedingfield – go to You Tube & find the version with Natasha only)  
Naked (Avril Lavigne – and this is a good song despite the title, lol)  
Sugar High (Jade Anderson)_

_The Game of Love (Michelle Branch and Santana  
Every Time We Touch (Cascada – both fast and slow versions)  
You Found Me (Kelly Clarkson)  
Peace of Me (Natasha Bedingfield)  
Brighter Than Sunshine (Aqualung)  
One in this World (Haylie Duff)_

* * *

**Lily**

May 7th

Dear Diary,

Oh. My. God.

I have so much to say; I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest with the intensity of it all. I want to say everything right now, but I know I have to slow down and start at the beginning to be able to sound coherent…so here I go.

It started yesterday – I had been in the bathroom, getting ready in the morning. Leila had been outside with my bag, waiting for me so that we could go to breakfast together – it was just a typical morning. When I came out though, my bag and Leila were still there, but I noticed that you, my diary, weren't nestled among my books like usual.

"Where's my blue diary?" I asked Leila. "It was in here before I left."

"I don't know," Leila said. "It's probably in there – you just can't see it. But can we worry about that later? I'm beyond starving."

"Oh all right." I agreed with her and forgot about it for that moment, but looking back on the incident, that had not been a smart move to make.

We went down to breakfast then, and Leila immediately began to eat – honestly, that girl would give even Sirius a run for his money when it comes to finishing breakfast. I watched her in disbelief before I buttered my own toast, and that's when she brought up the topic of James…yet again.

"I think that today or tomorrow, you're going to get together," she said wisely through a mouthful of her sausages.

"Oh? And how do you think that will happen?" I inquired.

"I just know," she said mysteriously.

"Do you know something I don't?" This was extremely suspicious behavior; Leila only ever acted like this when she was hiding something from me.

"Maybe I do," she said in her most irritating singsong voice. "But maybe I don't."

"You do know that I hate you, don't you?" I asked her conversationally.

"Mhmm," Leila confirmed as she continued to chew her sausages.

"Good." I drummed my fingers on the table and took a large bite out of my toast. "So what's on the agenda for today?"

"Nothing," she said. "We'll just relax – take a night off of studying."

"No way!" I cried. "We have less than a month until the exams; this is the very worst time to take a break!"

She rolled her eyes. "You're crazy; one night won't kill you."

"Yes, it will!" I insisted. "You know that I won't take a night off, and if you know what's good for you, you won't either."

"You're absolutely ridiculous, Lils," Leila teased. "C'mon; let's get to class then, shall we?"

And we did – it was, of course, a normal, ordinary day. I did do my studying (while Leila fell asleep on the couch for a few hours), since I believed in studying hard before exams, but I still thought about how I didn't know where you were, diary. I wasn't sure where I put you; you had to be somewhere at Hogwarts, though where specifically was a huge question. I fell asleep feeling like something was missing; I knew that I had to find you, but I decided to wait until morning before I did anything – I was a wee bit exhausted.

This morning, then, Leila and I went to breakfast, as we had every other day. In hindsight, I don't know how I could have been so casual – I should have expected something earth shattering to happen. Things had been too uneventful and too tentative; I just should have known. But I didn't, and I paid for it – paid quite dearly, come to think of it. I walked into the Great Hall, completely innocent and ready to eat like a normal person, but that was when he changed my entire life. 'He' being James Potter, of course. He came over to me, this strange, blazing look in his eyes, and he asked me in a low voice to come with him.

"What's wrong, James?" I asked, slightly alarmed.

"Just come on," he requested.

"Okay," I said, mystified. "Bye Leils."

I followed James up to the common room, still befuddled; what had caused him to act so…dark? James was a happy soul – he probably had no idea what the definition of a bad day was. I had never seen him act that way except the day when he was about to break up with Regina. Was he going to tell me he hated me then? I wasn't sure; my head was whirling with possibilities as he sat me down on the couch and then sat down across from me.

He didn't say anything at first, and since I didn't even know why I was there, neither did I. Then, very slowly, he took out a horribly familiar blue diary and put it on my lap. And, very slowly, I looked down at it, trying to digest what it meant. It came to me after about thirty seconds of sheer shock; James had taken you, my diary, from me the other day and had read it, just like I had feared! Oh no; no, no, no, no, no. He couldn't have. Didn't he know I would murder him? Why was he so bloody stupid?

"Why are you giving me my diary? You shouldn't have it," I said a little louder than I had intended originally.

"I'm giving it to you because it's yours," he said. "I figured you would want it back."

"Of course I bloody want it back," I shouted at him. "And why was it you that gave it to me?"

"Well…" He shifted a little bit and then confessed with rose-colored cheeks, "I stole it."

"You did WHAT?!" I hollered in disbelief. I was standing up, even though I had no memory of doing it, and I was ready to rage at him – how dare he take you from me?!

"I read it," James told me. "I had to."

"No you didn't!" I bellowed back. "There was _no_ reason for you to stick your over-inquisitive nose into my business! That was PERSONAL, you worthless imbecile; why the _hell_ did you steal my diary?"

He stood up as well, facing me, his eyes completely serious. "Lily, you're going to listen to me, all right?"

"NO!" I began to pace furiously like I always did when I was trying not to fly into a temper tantrum. "I'm NOT going to listen to you because I have absolutely _no_ reason to. I mean, you go and read my _diary_, which is directly violating my space and my thoughts, and then you expect me to sit here like a good little girl and listen to whatever you want to tell me? I'm not going to do that! What I _am_ going to do though, is kick your arse, James Potter, just because I know I'm not going to be sorry about it!"

"Look, I know you have every reason and right in the world to do that, but hear me out first," he said, somehow standing his ground even though he knew that I was going to blow my top in a few minutes.

"NO!" I screamed once again. "I'm NOT going to listen!" I took you from your spot on the sofa and began to chase him around the room with you, trying to hit whatever part of him I was able to reach, calling him a large variety of names as I did.

"Damn it, Lily, quit hitting me!" he requested as he avoided the blur that was you being swung madly at him.

"I WILL BLOODY HIT YOU IF I WANT TO!" I insisted furiously at the top of my lungs as I kept swinging madly. "COME HERE!"

I jumped right on top of him, knocking him to the ground with me tangled up in him, and I began to whack him repeatedly on his arms and head. He did manage to hold my wrists to stop me from hitting him, but that was when I actually caught my breath, came to my senses, and realized how we were situated on the floor. It was mightily awkward; reluctantly, I got up, out of breath, and tossed you to the sofa so that James wouldn't have another opportunity to look through you, and faced him, hostility radiating in such vast quantities that I wondered why he didn't flinch. We stood, facing each other, and didn't say anything for a moment.

Then, deciding to break the silence myself, I said, "James, you shouldn't have taken my diary."

"I needed to, Lily, can't you understand that?" he burst out. "Do you have any idea what you've been doing to me this year and the years before? Do you know how much I've wanted a way to just see what you're thinking? Lily, do you even know how much I love you?"

"What kind of a love influences a person to harass me, stalk me, mortify me, and/or invite himself into my personal matters?" I demanded. "Tell me, James, what kind of a love that is, and maybe I'll believe you."

"What kind of a love influences a person to go into complete denial, see the light, and then hide the revelation?" he shot back at me. "_You_ answer me _that_, Lily, and maybe _I'll_ believe _you_."

That silenced me, but only for a moment. "What kind of a love, you want to know? Well, I'll tell you; the kind of love that makes no sense at all," I said. "Now answer my question."

James sighed, chose to play along, and then replied, "For me, it's the kind of love that takes you over completely without letting you go. You don't know how hard it's been for me, but at least now I know how hard it's been for you."

"You weren't supposed to know," I wailed. "That was my personal diary! If I had wanted people to know, I would have told them – I wouldn't have kept it all in my journal!"

"Sometimes, to do the right thing, you have to do the wrong thing first," he said, taking my hands and squeezing them in his own. "This was the step I had to take, whether or not you like it, because you just can't hide something like this. I had to know, and Lily, you are the most cowardly yet courageous person I've ever known."

His eyes were so earnest; he meant every word he spoke. I bit my lip, wrenched my hand away from his, and then exploded into a frenzy. I don't even know what I said – it was mostly random crap about him not respecting my privacy, me loving him against my will, his horridness despite what I'd written about him, and how much I wished he would just leave me alone – before he interrupted me again.

"Lil, one of the things that kept coming up in that book was your need to love and be loved," he said gently. "Can't you see that I'm right here? Leila may be an airhead sometimes, but she's perfectly right – I've been here the whole time; all you had to do was really see me."

"Leila was utterly wrong," I pouted. "She says we could work. She says that you're going to marry me and be the father of my baby and be The One for me. She insists that we were meant to be and that I should go for you. She's wrong! You already read my reasons for that – I'm not repeating them – but no matter how much I ultimately like you, and no matter how hard I try, we're not going to be together."

"Well, you've finally told me you like me, which is definitely a good thing, but there's just one hitch with your statement," James said. "You just said that no matter how hard you try, we're not going to be together. But that's just the thing – _you aren't trying._"

I fell silent, so he went on, "Lily, you aren't trying at all. You just want everything to fall into place without any effort. I know you've been hurt; I know you've seen pain I wish you hadn't been through – but that's no reason to shut me out. I swear it, Lil; I'll do anything and everything you want me to do if you'll just accept that I love you."

"James, I can't just do that," I tried to tell him. "If you leave me, I'm not going to be able to survive it. I know I won't be able to. I'm not putting myself out there anymore because I've had enough. I love you, but I think that being without you will hurt less than being with you and then having you break up with me."

"I love you too," James said, grabbing at my forearms to secure me in place and look me in the eye. "I love you, I love you, I love you; how many times do you want to hear me say that before you believe me? Tell me; I'd be happy to say it three hundred times and even more, if that would help you trust me."

I shook my head as I broke out of his grip. "No. No, no, no; we never had this conversation and I never told you anything. You never read my diary and I still hate you to death. We're not bringing this up again."

"Why not?" he demanded. "Why are you trying to hide from me? Why are you so scared of me?"

"I'm not scared of you – I'm scared of what you could do to me," I explained. "Now please, please, please just leave me alone."

"No." James stood up from the sofa himself and then offered me a hand to help me up as well. When he was looking into my eyes with his own softened ones, he said, "Lily Evans, you are the most stubborn person on this planet. You are amazing, you know that? You are so much to me – _so much_ – and with every word on every page of that book, I remembered why. You fight your way through using good and bad methods, but the observations and opinions you write along the way are simply incredible."

I had nothing to say, so he went on, "Lil, you've gone through a lot this year, and I'm sorry; I'm sorry that I couldn't reach out to you the right way, I'm sorry that you've had to hide from me, and most of all, I'm sorry that I had to use such a low method to find all of this out. I've said that a lot, but it's true – I'm sorry."

My brain was simply numb; I was still not over the fact that James Potter had read my diary without telling me about it, and if you added on the effect of what he was saying…well, you just got a lot of emotion that had no way out. I opened my mouth to say something, but when nothing came, I closed it and looked back to James, who was still watching me carefully.

After a moment though, he said, "And Lily? I never, ever stopped loving you. I thought about giving it up with you a lot this year, but I couldn't – you were my Lily, and I wasn't able to stay mad at you for too long. My feelings are as real as yours are, and they always have been – I couldn't ever tell you how much it hurt me when you rejected me or pushed me away."

I was still blank, and I didn't say anything to him – I only stared. His sincere words were washing away any bit of defiance I had left in me – all of my vigilantly built walls lay in ruins, and I wasn't even going to try building them up again. When I realized this and got my head back to earth though, I found that James was still there, watching me figure everything out. He had always stood there, just waiting, I realized; why hadn't I seen all of this before?

I knew why; of course I did. I had never seen it because I had chosen not to see it. I had closed my eyes and ears after a while, not willing to let more complications enter my life, and for that, I had nearly missed the real thing – the love of a lifetime. I whispered to him, "I'm sorry too. For everything."

It was truthfully miraculous, the look he gave me then. The penetrating gaze with which he looked at me was beyond all comprehension – it was as though he was reading my very soul, as though my skin wasn't even there and he could interpret me all the way through. He touched my cheek very, very gently, and then asked me, "So where does this leave us?"

"Nowhere," I said, averting my eyes to the ground as I felt my anger and boldness slip away from me. "James, I'm sorry; I can't do this at all. I'm awful at loving, and I don't want to try it again."

James's face fell – he had no idea what his words had done to me. All he could see was me being a coward; he didn't know how fast my pulse was racing or how mushy my stomach had become. He didn't know that I was fighting with my lungs to let me keep breathing calmly. He just looked disappointed, and I found that I recognized that look – it was the look of someone who truly was let down, and it was the look that James had always given me whenever I said something cruel to him. These revelations were just constantly coming to me, and I didn't know why they hadn't been so clear before – maybe it just took knowing the fact that he understood where I was coming from. It had been a long time since anyone knew the whole picture. That was why when he got up to go back downstairs, I grabbed at his wrist and pulled him next to me. He looked at me with surprise, but I didn't have time to hesitate – it was a now-or-never type of feel. I looked into his befuddled eyes, closed my own, and leaned in.

And, somehow knowing what I had to do, I allowed my mouth to crash on top of his.

It was like my first breath of oxygen, that first moment I kissed him. Oh, how I had craved it. I no longer had to dream about it either – the kiss was reality, and it was everything. Hot blood rushed throughout my body, strengthening me, and I felt my hands begin to knot hard into his hair. It was so damn soft; it wasn't even fair how soft. His smell…I could have gotten drunk from it, it was so intoxicating. I probably would end up drunk after a while – I knew right away that it was the sort of smell no normal person could get used to. His lips pressed onto mine powerfully – anxious and constantly moving, as though I was the only thing keeping him alive. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care – I'd rather die from not breathing during a kiss from him than any other way.

After about two minutes, I thought he would be done, like any other boy would be. But James was not any other boy – he didn't want to stop at all. His hands were on the small of my back, bringing me even closer to him, and he still drank me in. I couldn't let him go either – if anything, I just kissed him back harder. One part of my brain still thought I wasn't right with James, and kept screaming at me to pull away, but the rest of my brain revolted; _that_ part told me to keep up the kiss and not be as stupid as I've been before. I quite frankly couldn't force myself to stop – I couldn't try to work against my destiny. I had tried that once; it wasn't a good idea.

Eventually though, James separated his mouth from mine and looked at me with tender eyes. "I never, ever thought you'd let me do that," he whispered.

"I never, ever thought I would either," I answered.

"But I'm glad you did," he said. "You rarely do anything that you actually want. I would know."

I tucked his now-even-more-disheveled hair behind his ears. "I'm still furious with you about that. Remind me to kill you later."

"Sure." He laughed. "But truthfully – I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it, but it was a matter of urgency."

"Prick," I accused him teasingly. "You didn't have to read my diary at all – you did it because you have an uncanny knack to do exactly what I don't want you to do." It was rather strange though – in all honesty, I would have murdered him earlier if he had let me, but now that he had kissed me and lightened the atmosphere of nervousness, I didn't care anymore. He could read it again if he wanted to. Life was just so weird that way, I thought.

"Lily, if I hadn't read your diary, I don't think you would have ever told me you were in love with me," he pointed out.

I mulled this over, and said, "I know I'm in love with you – stop reminding me."

"Why? Isn't love a beautiful gift?" James grinned wickedly; he knew my views on the subject.

I made a face. "Of course it is, James. But like you asked me, where does this leave us? I don't quite know."

"Here's what we'll do," he said, sitting me down on the sofa again with him. "You can forgive me for reading your diary, and then you and I will ditch class to spend the day together – just you and me. How does that sound?"

"It sounds…" I was about to say it was a bad idea, but adrenaline was still rushing through my veins from that kiss, and that made me rebellious. So, instead of saying the original, I smiled slightly and said, "It sounds perfect. I think I want to do it."

James's face broke into a smile – a real smile – and he kissed me softly. "Deal," he said into my lips. I didn't care about that though – it was the kiss I cared about, and I eagerly captured his mouth again. He continued it for a little while, but when he let go, he put his arm around my waist and took me to his own empty dormitory. With a flourish, he sat me down on his bed and then sat next to me, though his arm was still around my waist as though he didn't ever want to allow me free motion. I also learned that so long as it was him that was holding me, I wouldn't mind. What a strange revelation.

I told him about it, and he laughed. "I love you, Lily Evans," he said. "And I just can't get over how wonderful it is to say that and have you blush – it was one of the things I'd always wanted and thought I'd ever have."

I sighed. "I'm sorry about that."

"No problem," James said easily, smiling at me once more. He was quite smiley all of a sudden, but that was to be expected – he'd been chasing me for a kiss since we were eleven. The mood was incredibly light at that point; it was amazing what reading a diary and kissing the person you loved could do in ten minutes.

"Hey, I have to get something from my dormitory quickly – I'll be right back," I said, getting up from his bed.

"Oh all right, I suppose I can spare you for a couple of minutes," he allowed unwillingly. I kissed him for a full fifteen seconds before running out of the room and going to mine. There, I rummaged through my drawer and unearthed my last, tattered little coupon from my birthday. I could make James do any one thing I wanted with it, and I had something in mind – it could only be done then though. I closed my drawer and dashed right back to James's dormitory, where James himself was sitting on his bed, looking restless. When he saw me, however, he beamed and stood up. I took a breath, closed my hand on the coupon, and requested him to take what was in my hand.

"What?" He wrinkled his nose.

"I have something in my hand that I want you to have," I clarified.

James opened my hand and found the slip of parchment I'd had in it. Instantly recognizing it, he read it over and gave me a look I can't even describe. "You don't need to give me a coupon to make me do anything – I'd do it no matter what it was."

"This just makes it official," I said. "I feel better."

"What do you want me to do?"

I took a deep breath, paused for a moment, and then requested, "I want you to promise me that you'll keep holding on to me and will never let me go."

There was a silence after my statement, and it was the most poignant silence I'd ever engaged anyone in. James's eyes seemed to melt completely, and after I counted three minutes, he took the coupon from me, his movements deliberately prolonged, and whispered, "I promise."

"That's all I'll ever want from you." Satisfied, I leaned up and kissed him again, but that time, it was a slow kiss – a kiss to remind him of where we were and what he meant to me. He showed every sign of wanting to deepen it, but I didn't let him; I needed what I was getting from him – nothing more and nothing less. When I pulled away, he didn't let me; he just lunged forward and kissed me again. He would never hear me complain about that, so we kissed more – it was such a long one, but I didn't even care. I'd gone too long without him; we just needed a day with each other to get all of that emotion out before we could behave ourselves and do something besides kiss.

After that, it was a bit of a whirlwind that I'm not going to go into for me, because once James saw fit to break our kiss, he pulled out his own diary. I hadn't known he kept one – apparently, it was all Remus's fault – and we lay across his bed (James all but on top of me) to read it through, beginning to end, as he had done with mine. Reading James's diary was a very, very odd experience – kind of like a déjà vu. A lot of the things I'd felt – loneliness, a sense of not knowing who you were, a love too painful to portray, among many other elements – were replicated on the pages of that book, in James's messy squiggles that was supposed to pass as handwriting. A few of the things written raised questions on my part – usually awkward ones that made him blush tomato red – but he answered them to the best of his abilities. There were some entries that just broke my heart because I'd inadvertently hurt him so badly – I always hugged him tightly at those. There were also some entries that had me laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe – even though Sirius was a bloody arse, he was absolutely hysterical sometimes. James laughed with me, he shared silences with me, and he squeezed me like a teddy bear the whole time; Leila had been right – he would share just about everything with me.

Throughout the day we skived off, we only ever read his diary, talked, and kissed (the latter of which we did a lot), but during those unforgettable hours, I kept noticing how accurate Leila had actually been in her numerous analyses of us; one was, of course, what she had said we would share everything no matter what, but there were so many others – like being together, being so in love that I wondered how I'd gotten along without him, and our loving each other was 'meant to be.' I adored Leila, but I had never expected her to be so precise in her predictions and assessments. I often pointed it out in James's diary, when he felt something Leila had predicted he felt; he always laughed at me and teasingly asked how on earth I would have expected him to feel any different. I would kiss him and tell him that I hadn't known him then, and it was true; I really hadn't known James at all until I read his diary with him this afternoon. Like he had pointed out many times, I had never taken the time to know him because I hadn't cared, but now that I took the time at last, I knew that I had blindly stumbled across a boy who was beyond human comprehension. James Potter…who would have thought, in a million years, that I would be so in love with him, and that he would be so complicated? The mood was sweet yet dark, light yet intense for those few hours, and I knew they were my favorite out of the thousands of hours I'd spent on Earth so far.

Another thing that got to me during reading James's diary that I need to mention is how…distant I seemed. I knew that during the winter and spring months, I'd been internally shattered to pieces and felt completely exposed/soft. Despite that though, when I read my actions from his point of view, I felt like I really had been a hermit. I felt his indignation at me when I read those entries – there were times when I hated myself along with him. How could I say this when he reacted to it this way? How could I do that when he was feeling so awful as it was? I ended up bursting into tears when I got to the entry about my birthday – I just couldn't take how much he did for me without my even knowing it.

"Lily, what is the matter with you?" James asked me, bewildered, when I began to sob.

"I'm sorry," I wept. "I really, really am."

"It's okay," he said, putting his arm around my shoulders and kissing the top of my head.

"You know why I acted the way I did, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," he said. "And as far as I'm concerned, the last five years haven't even happened – it's just you and me now, and we're starting everything over. A clean slate."

I sniffed. "Starting it all over?"

"Yeah." He smiled at me. "So long as I have you, I'm all right."

With a sigh, I looked back into his sincere face and said, "I never thought it would happen, but I feel the same way about you."

James stroked my cheek softly for a moment, but then closed his diary without letting me finish it, put it away, and bounced back to sit next to me, checking his watch. "It's twelve o'clock; the school should be coming back from break in about three hours. What are we going to do until then?"

I considered this – I hadn't realized that we still had so much time left over. "Mmm…what do you want to do?"

"Besides obey your orders and snog the bloody hell out of you?" James mulled the matter over with me. "I don't know what I want to do."

"I think snogging the bloody hell out of me is your best bet." I grinned widely, though I was vaguely nauseated with myself – I never thought I'd ever let James snog the bloody hell out of me, and it had only been a few hours since he knew I loved him, yet I was still willing to let him do that. The effects of love, I suppose. Oh well; I'd spent far too much of my life avoiding what I knew I wanted, so I finally decided to go with my instinct…which meant that James immediately pounced on me and kissed me so hard I, in fact, wasn't able to breathe properly at all. The weirdest part? I enjoyed every second of it.

The school did come back after about three hours, and by then, my bliss was complete. James and I had spent a fair portion of our time kissing, but we'd also been just talking, like before. There was a lot to talk about, and if there wasn't, we found something or another to discuss; being together was enough, and talking just gave us a healthier activity to do. However, all good things had to come to an end some time (no matter how much I didn't want them to), and we heard the rest of the Gryffindors trudging back to their dormitories and the common room.

"Shall we go down to the common room as a couple for the first time then?" James inquired as we listened to their plentiful footsteps.

"I don't know…" My voice trailed off; I didn't really want to go down as a couple because a part of me still wanted to hide and keep our relationship a secret. He knew the reasoning behind my silence instinctively and smiled sweetly at me.

"Don't you worry about it, Lily – I'll hold your hand for as long as you want."

"You do know that means you're not going to be allowed to let go, don't you?" I looked him in the eye. "I need you."

"I do know that, and I'm more than happy to oblige," he answered. "C'mon." He took my hand, clutching it in his own, and opened the door to go to the common room. We descended down the staircase, and as we did, I felt like a princess, coming down with her prince at last. A fairytale come true – who knew that it could happen, least of all to me?

Leila was at the foot of the stairs, obviously about to come up, and her eyes bugged open in surprise when she saw James and me come together. "Lily, James, where have you both been?"

"I wanted a day off," I said sheepishly.

"It worked then?" she asked James eagerly. I couldn't imagine what she meant.

"Yeah," he said, beaming. "She let me kiss her most of the afternoon."

"Are you…together now?" Leila looked like she was going to explode with joy for the two of us.

"I'm going to let Lily answer that." James grinned at me, and I giggled.

"We're together," I confirmed.

"Finally!" Leila jumped forward and fell on me in a hug. I hugged her back, thrilled beyond belief. She had constantly said it would happen and kept me believing in it, and everything had worked out for once – she deserved a hug. "I'm utterly excited for you – both of you."

"It was only a matter of time," James agreed. "But still; it's nice to know that I wasn't stupid like everyone thought I was for waiting so long."

"We have to go tell everybody," Leila proposed at once. "Come on!" She grabbed my wrist and began to drag me down to the common room, energized as anything.

"I'm sorry in advance," I muttered to James.

"I don't mind," he assured me. "I was probably going to do the same thing myself."

My face cracked into a smile, but it was short-lived, seeing as Leila nearly yanked my arm out of its socket to bring me to Kyleigh, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Sirius and Kyleigh stopped their hourly snog session when they saw Leila, James, and I, and Sirius was the first to ask, "Where were you two all day?"

Instead of letting me say it myself, Leila went right ahead and burst out with, "They're together!"

"No," Peter said at once. "James, kiss her and prove it."

"Peter," Remus said, his tone reprimanding. "You don't just ask people to start kissing whenever you want them to – if they are together, they will tell us."

"We are," I said in a small voice, smiling slightly.

"No," Kyleigh said, repeating what Peter had said. "Lils, you've hated him since first year – how can you suddenly get together with him? Are you sure this isn't a trick?"

"Would I joke about something like this?" I asked her. "But it's not sudden – I guess I'd been in love with him for a long time. It's just that I told him today."

"You did?" It was James who asked this question, and that was because I hadn't actually told him – he'd stolen my diary and read it himself. However, I wasn't about to tell anyone that I had a diary where I wrote all of this stuff down; "Yes, I did tell you – don't be foolish," I said.

Catching on, James said, "Oh yeah, you did. I'm sorry."

I rolled my eyes, smirked, and Remus laughed. "James, I can't believe that you got Lily to be your girlfriend if you can't even remember her telling you she loved you."

"It was a mental relapse," James insisted, his voice so believable that I almost fell for it myself, and I had been the one to bring it on. "I couldn't help it! A lot of new too fast!"

"Kiss her," Kyleigh and Peter said at the same time in response.

"Shall I?" James offered, giving me a very silly, crooked smile.

"No," I said curtly.

Silence and shock from my audience.

And then I leaned right up and kissed him myself – sudden, hard, and emotion-filled. His mouth was so easy to fuse with mine – I marveled at how _right_ it felt when I kissed him. I'd had limited experience with kissing boys, but I knew that James was as good as they got; those stupid, twittering fan girls knew what they were talking about when they said he was a fantastic kisser. Still, as I settled into the kiss, Kyleigh and Sirius clapped, Peter and Leila cheered, and Remus smiled that Remus smile that just worked – I was completely over him, but I still liked that smile quite a lot. At the amount of commotion those five made though, the entire common room turned to stare, and we got several wolf-whistles, as well as many more claps/cheers. Apparently, Gryffindor House approved of our relationship.

When James broke apart from me, he hugged me and then shouted, "What did I tell you all? She's mine!"

Of course, universal laughter rang out, but I could hear several of his fan girls begin to sob on the side – I'd taken him, and now they knew they had no chance. Kyleigh giggled madly and said that she'd known it all along, and Leila was beside herself with delight – she couldn't stop bouncing. Sirius lost interest and began to kiss Kyleigh after a bit, but he'd given his opinions already; nobody cared anymore. Peter joined in the clapping, just because everyone else was too, but the whole scene made little sense in my eyes. The whole day had made little sense – it was like something out of a dream, really. And, even in a dream, things still wouldn't have happened the way they had. Life just was that way – when it gave you misery, you definitely had it bad, but when it gave you happiness, it seemed that there was no limit to what could happen.

"C'mon," James said in my ear. "I'll go drop you off in your dormitory – you probably want to write all of this down in your diary." I could practically hear him smiling; he knew I would write.

"Thanks," I said into _his_ ear.

He grinned and took me to the staircase, which I gratefully climbed, and he went back down to the common room, presumably to talk to his friends. I didn't mind; what we had done today was enough to sustain me until tomorrow, and now I had a lot to write about. So here I am, in my dormitory, writing it all down, and wondering how on earth the whole day happened. Who knew prying into my business had turned out to be a good thing after all?

But, at this point, I think I should thank you, diary – you've been everything to me throughout all of this. It was you, in the end, who gave me what I wanted – James. You kept me sane throughout this crazy year, and without you, I don't know how I'd survive. You're only a book, and you're never going to understand what all of this means because of that fact, but you're still my savior when I didn't want to let another human do the job. James Potter may have saved me from myself, but you were the first one to do it – there are really no words to express how much you have come to mean to me, or how much of a silent friend I found in you.

And who knows – maybe one day I'll be Lily Potter. I've been doodling it in my margins for the past few minutes and I rather like the ring of it. Of course, I probably shouldn't get so ahead of myself, but at the same time, why not? I'm in love; I might as well enjoy it, since so far all I've seen is the cold side of it.

Mrs. Lily Potter…somehow, today, I can see that as a very real possibility. Gosh, there has to be something wrong with saying that, but in spite of that, I'm going to say it anyway. I love James Potter, I'm his girlfriend, and I'm not going to want anyone but him – it's exactly what I would have slapped myself for saying at the beginning of the year, but now it's the truth. I'd normally write something about how much I hated that, but this time, I'm not going to write that – this time, I'm going to write that even though it's not what I expected, I'm going to go with it anyway.

Why? Because out of this whole experience, the biggest thing I learned was that it was never a smart idea to mess with your destiny; I'm not going to be making that mistake ever again.

**James**

May 7th

Dear Diary,

Get ready for it…an explosion is on the way…

HOLY SHIT, LILY EVANS IS FINALLY MY GIRLFRIEND!

Okay, I feel better now – that felt so, so good. Why? Because, at long last, it's true; Lily, the love of my life, has finally become my girlfriend. She hugged me, she kissed me, she laughed with me, she smiled at me, she cuddled up with me, and she talked to me about things I'd always wanted to talk to her about; and no, it wasn't even in a dream! She really did! I probably sound like some overeager little kid, but honestly, I don't give a damn – Lily Evans loves me, I love her, and nothing can be wrong with the world as long as those two things are true. That's just how it is.

How did I accomplish this impossible feat? Well, it was quite a long story (one that I'm not going _far_ too in-depth with, by the way) and it took a very guilty-making task that I didn't particularly like doing – taking her diary. That one was harder than I expected, and that business started yesterday, before breakfast.

See, I had been planning to steal it during first period or during breakfast itself, but I found an opportunity when I was on my way downstairs – Lily was in the bathroom and Leila was guarding Lily's bag that had her diary in it. I didn't even stop to think – I just went into her bag and pulled out the little blue book. Leila obviously saw me, and she asked, "Why are you taking out Lily's diary?"

"She said I could borrow it," I said, the lie spontaneously spilling out, astoundingly convincing.

"Really?" Leila wrinkled her nose. "She never lets anyone near that thing; I can't imagine what she writes in it. Does she know that you want it now?"

"Erm, no," I said sorrowfully, my better nature taking me over. "She thought I would want it later. Can you just tell her she lost it?"

"Why?" Leila inquired.

I hadn't had an answer for that – uh oh. "B-because," I stammered. "Because she would worry more if she knew I had it than she would if she thought she simply lost it."

"She would worry more if she knew you had it," Leila pointed out. "Why should I tell her she lost it, James?"

"Look, can you just tell her that?" I pleaded, unable to come up with a good enough answer. "For me?"

Leila considered this for a minute; then her face broke into an incredibly sly smile that disconcerted me more than I could tell her. "Only if you kiss me," she eventually announced.

I groaned internally – I should have known she would want something like that. "Weren't you over me, Leila?" I reminded her.

"Yes," she said. "But that doesn't mean I'm not going to want a kiss. Kiss me once and I'll tell her whatever you want me to, no questions or anything."

The second half of the offer was tempting – awfully tempting. I had always known I'd have to pay dearly for what I was going to do, and I supposed that kissing Leila was that price. I sighed heavily and asked, "Would a kiss on the cheek work?"

"On the lips, if you don't mind," Leila said angelically.

I did mind – very much so. Still, I couldn't say anything about it, so I just muttered, "C'mon then."

"Yay!" Beaming, Leila leaned in, and with complete fearlessness that I never would have expected from her, she kissed me quickly – I wasn't even aware of it. It was like an injection; you feared it before it happened, but when it was over, you realized you didn't even feel it in all the worrying beforehand. I smiled at her in thanks, and her grin was as big as ever.

"I know that Lily likes you, so I wasn't going to make you give me a long kiss; that's just mean," she explained without my even saying anything. "I wanted one and I got it – thanks a lot!"

"You're going to tell Lily that she lost her diary, all right?" was all I said to her.

"Yes," she said with a nod.

I nodded as well and quickly left the scene before Lily came back or Leila wanted another kiss, diary in hand, hardly believing my good luck. Leila was incredibly easy to bend to my will, I couldn't help but notice.

I took the diary with me to breakfast, where I showed it to Sirius, Remus, and Peter – I was kind of proud of my work. When I retold the robbery, I purposely left out the part about kissing Leila, because not only did I not enjoy it, I didn't feel that it was information worth knowing. Sirius and Peter were quite impressed and supportive of what I had done, but of course, Remus wasn't. He insisted that it was terrible of me to invade Lily's privacy that way – she wouldn't appreciate it when she found out – but I knew that I had made the right move. I was in love; she would understand once I told her about it, even if she didn't like to.

I finished up my breakfast rapidly, unwilling to stick around when I could be reading the diary, and I went up to first period to start the first entry. I knew that the whole book would be jam-packed with just about everything that went through Lily's convoluted head, so I would only read the first entry during first hour, and then the rest of it in bed that night. It seemed like a good-enough goal; I began to read the first entry.

I know from my own diary-writing experience that first entries are always interesting to read afterwards since they're usually vastly different from what is written nearer to the end, so it's easy to guess that I had fun reading Lily's first entry. I found right away that it was incredibly pessimistic, but it took me longer to realize that, strangely, it wasn't blatant pessimism – it was more built-in to the basic description of her life. It was as though she'd accepted such a stupid assumption long ago and was just including it because that was how she'd forced her mind to work. It kind of bothered me to see that, but I dismissed it – it was the first entry, so there was nothing to worry about. Lily would get more positive as the diary progressed, I was sure. Well, I was _mostly_ sure – there was still that part of me that thought it would only get worse as the diary went on.

I raced through my day (I'm not going to go into those particulars, since they're not important) and last night, I got myself a bottle of butterbeer from the kitchens to read Lily's diary in bed. As I was on my way up, Remus found me and asked me where I was going.

"To the dormitory," I said. "I'm reading Lily's diary in bed tonight. My little bedtime story, you could call it." Being light helped ease my guilt a bit, and I used this tactic quite a lot on various occasions – however, I couldn't use it on Remus, because he always knew what I was really thinking. I guess Remus just has that effect on people.

"James, you know that what you're doing is wrong," he said. "I think you should rethink your brilliant idea. Lily's probably going crazy looking for her diary right now – you know how attached you are to yours, so how do you think she feels?"

"I am _not_ attached to my diary," I protested crossly. "You make me write in it – that's not my slipup at all."

"I don't make you write in it these days, James, you do it yourself." Remus smiled. "It's okay to like your diary. I'm not Sirius – you can tell me if you like it."

"I don't like my diary," I repeated. "It's annoying the hell out of me, actually. And what's wrong with Sirius? You're always having a go at him – I don't understand it."

Remus rolled his eyes. "He's Sirius – it's very easy to have a go at him."

"But you're always nice to people – why do _you_ do it?"

He considered this. "Because Sirius, while he is my best friend, can be a massive arse when he wants to be."

"You say I can be a massive arse when I want to be, but you never have a go at me," I pointed out. "You try to have psychological talks with me, but never with Sirius."

"Can we get off the topic of Sirius, please?" Remus requested impatiently. "At the moment, we're talking about you reading the diary of the girl you love – it's not right, and I suggest you don't do it."

"You're always so hasty to stop talking about Sirius, but you're always the first to bring him up," I said, winking. "Anyway, I'm going to read her diary and that's final. You just watch, Remus – this is the right move. I mean, you've said it yourself – she hates giving too much away, and if I just read her thoughts myself, it's easier on both of us. Less confusion, right? It's going to be fine." I didn't fully believe the words coming out of my mouth, but I didn't care – I had to convince both of us that what I was going to do was a good idea.

Ignoring my remark on Sirius, Remus said, "All right, if you really must read that book, I suppose you could. Just don't say anything to me when she buries you alive."

"Deal, Moony." I thumped him on the back and ran upstairs. "See you when I'm done reading Lily's diary!"

With that, I jumped onto my bed, popped the cap off of my butterbeer bottle, took a sip, and opened to the second entry Lily had written. It was dated September 27th, two days after the first entry, which had been on September 25th. I began to read, and as I did, I found myself catapulted into what seemed to be a parallel universe – the normal world, but through the eyes of Lily Evans.

Saying it was like a parallel universe may seem like it's an overstatement, but trust me when I say that it isn't at all. Take that second entry for example; she was talking about that piece of shit, Chris, but the way she described him, he seemed like a good person, which I knew he wasn't. She put herself down outrageously in that entry particularly, but she was rather comical in her descriptions of Leila picking out hideous socks in Hogsmeade – I was impressed. When we got to the part of me and the Marauders entering though, I began laughing aloud – we sounded just like the over-flirtatious pricks she always accused us of being! Were we really that bad? I had never thought so – apparently, we were.

Several hours were passed that way – me drinking butterbeer and reading about the past few months in Lily's handwriting. It didn't feel like I'd lived through it myself though; Lily's life was pretty different from mine. My diary is filled with our Marauder monkey business, but Lily writes more traditional diary entries about her feelings, her two best friends, and her now-blossoming romantic life.

Well, more like wilting romantic life.

At first, it seemed to be working well for her – I wouldn't have expected it to be such a disaster. She started to like Chris-the-bastard a little bit, and she described having a small crush on Remus. She kept saying that he was a wonderful person – so sweet and gracious – and I got kind of annoyed as it kept coming up; I knew Remus better than she did, and he wasn't always the way she thought he was. I wasn't as much of a jerk as she wrote me out to be either – I don't know why she thought so badly of me. I remembered a few of the incidents she talked about, and I didn't recall being nearly as obnoxious. Maybe Lily was just biased. I wasn't sure – she probably was – but I kept reading anyway.

When I got to the night at the Firehouse, I knew that it was around that time Lily started to wilt. Sure enough, I read through her account, and it was a lot more tragic the way she told it than how I reminisced it. My poor Lily…she was completely distraught that night. Even in the entries after it, she was never quite over the episode, though I wasn't sure why it was such a big deal to her. It was a tad devastating, yes, but it took her a while to finally forgive herself. I knew I had forgiven her nearly right away…and I was pretty flattered that she went to all of those lengths just to get my attention. I was super sorry I ever let Regina take me over at the beginning of the year – Lily had liked me even back then, and I could tell through the way she wrote her diary, even if she didn't realize it herself.

I continued my fascinating read, past the Firehouse, our confusing winter (which made a lot more sense once I read it as Lily), but I had to literally stop everything when I got to New Years. Here were the details I'd been wanting – scrawled in an uncharacteristically messy scribble I could barely read. I could tell she had been hysterical when she had written, but I felt myself melt just a little when I found a few water marks scattered across the entry – she had cried lots that night. How could I not have known though? How had I been so stupid? Everything about our December made sense all of a sudden, and I wondered how I hadn't seen it before. Well, I guess it just shows how much a person can hide from everyone else.

The next six or seven entries after New Years were the most torturous for me to read out of the entire diary, I decided. Even the handwriting reflected how much everything just hurt for her – I almost stopped reading as I entered that realm. I read about her starting to develop anorexic habits, lashing out at people around her (myself included – there was a much darker side to those fights now that I knew what was going on though), and generally struggling to keep herself afloat. I found out what really happened when I left Hogwarts, and I was a bit shocked. Lily and Kyleigh rowed again, Regina, Leila, and Lily rowed, Leila began to suspect that Lily wasn't eating, and Lily snogged my best friend without my knowing – all in the space of one week! I wanted to bang my head against the wall; I couldn't have picked a worse time to leave the school even if I tried.

I managed to keep moving on though, since there was still a good portion of the diary left to go, and I was pleased to see that Lily finally pulled herself together again. It took an attack from the world's biggest bastard (Chris) to trigger it, which I wasn't all that happy about, but at least it happened. I was pleased to see that I had ended her awful eating routines as well, and I felt that the rest of the diary would be a bit of a breeze. I mean, pretty much everything was all right again – no Chris, no irritating Kyleigh, and best of all, she was over Remus. It had hurt to read about her loving so much and not being able to requite the feeling properly, but at least it was over – she didn't have to deal with it anymore. However, I was quite wrong when I thought these things; the rest of her diary was not a breeze at all.

Once I hit Valentine's Day, I was ready to jump up and down on my bed – Lily was in love with me!!! At long, long last, I had succeeded in making her fall in love with me, just like I'd promised my friends I would! It was a slight dampener that she was so confused and annoyed by her feelings – not to mention her reluctance to tell me about the development – but it was good enough for me that she at least didn't hate me. I knew she couldn't hate me for long – I was a tad irresistible. Haha. But I read on anyway – I had to know what circumstances caused her to never tell me she was bloody in love with me.

The rest of the diary brought me all the way up to two days ago, on May 5th. Those were some more painful entries – Lily obviously believed in falling harder than was healthy when it came to falling in love. I was astonished to see how strongly she came to feel about me – she had never even given me a hint. Well, now that I read her point of view, I knew that she had, but I still stand by that – she never gave any inclination to liking me at all. She had become well-practiced in keeping her emotions to herself and her diary, so I presume it was just second nature for her to hide how she felt about me, but I was aggravated all the same – it would be nice to know if the girl you'd loved for years loved you back, wouldn't it?

I read the last sentence of the last entry - so, for now, I just want to say this: James Potter, if you ever get to read this sentence, know that you are dead meat and I plan to murder you on first opportunity – and I put the book on my bedside table. I lay back on my pillows, and I let my overloaded mind wander across what I had just read. Lily Evans had gone through a rough year – that was my first and most apparent reflection. I was sorry about it; it shouldn't have been that way. I didn't know how on earth she got through it all, but she did – she toughed it out, just because she thought things would get better soon. I was in complete awe; nobody had ever given her the credit she deserved. I wanted to kill Sirius when I remembered all of his negative comments on her – all of them were unjustifiable.

But she could have avoided it. That was one thing that popped into my head that just wouldn't go away. She could have avoided every bad thing that came out of the year, and fairly easily too – she could have accepted her body for what it was and not thrown up, she could have stayed clear of Chris when everyone told her to, she could have not let her emotions get the better of her in a spat, and she could have told the people she loved that she really did love them. She didn't – some reasons were understandable, but then again, some weren't – and it was because of that she allowed herself to suffer. I felt like a different person as I pondered that diary – I had never felt like that before. It was as though the world and all its flaws were suddenly sharper and more visible than they had ever been before; I felt raw, as though I could do something rash and not regret it. I was also restless – I could've run a marathon at that moment, I swear I could have.

What could I do though? I had all these feelings and this information – what was I going to do with it? That was easy enough; I was going to talk to Lily about it. But how was I going to do _that_? It had to be done tactfully, considering what I had done – I couldn't afford to screw up. I spent most of my night thinking about what I wanted to do, and I eventually decided on just being honest – I would go to her, tell her that I had to talk to her, give her the diary back, and try to tell her how much she meant to me. It was time to tear down her resistance – I didn't want to play games anymore.

So, this morning, when the whole school was going down to breakfast, I went along, but I didn't get to the table or eat. Instead, I located Lily and Leila in the Great Hall – it wasn't hard, since Lily's wavy red hair was so distinctive – and I asked Lily to come with me to the common room. She was completely baffled by my request, but she thankfully just came along with me anyway. I led her to the common room, just like I had planned, and I sat her down on the sofa before sitting across from her, looking her in the eye.

Then, from inside my robes, I carefully took out the blue diary that had changed both of our lives, and as slowly as I could, I put it on her lap. It took us both a few seconds to take in the significance of what I had just done, but once Lily got it, she was furious, just like I had predicted.

"Why are you giving me my diary? You shouldn't have it," she said.

"I'm giving it to you because it's yours," I told her. "I figured you would want it back."

"Of course I bloody want it back," she shouted. "And why was it you that gave it to me?"

"Well…" This was pretty awkward. "I kind of stole it."

"You did WHAT?!" Lily stood up, beside herself with fury, and I felt myself start to fear her just a little bit. Was she going to kill me and prove Remus to be right? It appeared so.

"I read it," I repeated, trying to hold my ground. "I had to."

"No you didn't!" she hollered at me. "There was _no _reason for you to stick your over-inquisitive nose into my business! That was PERSONAL, you worthless imbecile; why the _hell_ did you steal my diary?"

I stood up with her, still holding my ground. "Lily, you're going to listen to me, all right?"

"NO!" She started her deadly pace at that point – she was all over the room, trying to control herself, and I knew that meant trouble for me. "I'm NOT going to listen to you because I have absolutely _no_ reason to. I mean, you go and read my _diary_, which is directly violating my space and my thoughts, and then you expect me to sit here like a good little girl and listen to whatever you want to tell me? I'm not going to do that! What I _am_ going to do though, is kick your arse, James Potter, just because I know I'm not going to be sorry about it!"

Lies – she was lying when she said she wouldn't regret injuring me, and we both knew it. Still, it was better to play along anyway. "Look, I know you have every reason and right in the world to do that, but hear me out first," I said.

"NO!" she shouted at me once more. "I'm NOT going to listen!" She took her diary from the sofa then and began to chase me around the room, hitting me as hard as she possibly could and calling me so many names, she would have done Sirius proud.

"Damn it, Lily, quit hitting me!" I cried, dodging the book as I darted out of her way.

"I WILL BLOODY HIT YOU IF I WANT TO!" was her answer as she kept attempting to smack me. "COME HERE!"

With that, she jumped on me and kept trying to slap me. I caught her wrists to save myself, and that kind of brought her back to earth – she realized that we were tangled up on the floor in an incredibly awkward position and got right off of me. She threw her diary on the sofa behind her and began to glare at me. I knew she was trying to intimidate me, but it wasn't going to work – not this time. I looked calmly back at her, willing her to speak, and eventually, I was rewarded.

"James, you shouldn't have taken my diary," she said bitterly.

"I needed to, Lily, can't you understand that?" I burst out. "Do you have any idea what you've been doing to me this year and the years before? Do you know how much I've wanted a way to just see what you're thinking? Lily, do you even know how much I love you?"

"What kind of a love influences a person to harass me, stalk me, mortify me, and/or invite himself into my personal matters?" Lily asked me, her tone acidic. "Tell me, James, what kind of a love that is and maybe I'll believe you."

I decided to throw that one back at her by inquiring, "What kind of a love influences a person to go into complete denial, see the light, and then conceal the revelation? _You_ answer me _that_, Lily, and maybe _I'll _believe _you_."

I had her there. "What kind of a love, you want to know?" she said at last. "Well, I'll tell you; the kind of love that makes no sense at all. Now answer my question."

I sighed, but I said, "For me, it's the kind of love that takes you over completely without letting you go. You don't know how hard it's been for me, but at least now I know how hard it's been for you."

That completely unnerved Lily – she went off into this huge rant about how I wasn't supposed to know about what she put in her diary, how she didn't believe I'd love her for as long as I lived, and how she was just sick and tired of seeing something go askew. I tried to console her to the best of my abilities, but I was also trying to make her see my side of the story. It somewhat worked – she did tell me she loved me – but she was stubbornly stuck on staying away from me. Apparently, it would hurt less to not have me than let me break it off with her. I was quite exasperated most of the time – why did she doubt me so much? I wasn't _that_ untrustworthy, was I?

It took a lot of artful honesty, but after a bit, Lily whispered those magic words I'd been waiting for: "I'm sorry too. For everything."

I gazed at her then, and I was sure my longing showed all the way through. She was so, so fragile, that girl, but I loved her more than anyone could ever understand. I had vowed to be the one to love her the right way long ago, and now that I had the chance, I was determined to do the best job I could. "So where does this leave us?" I asked her.

"Nowhere," she said. "James, I'm sorry; I can't do this at all. I'm awful at loving, and I don't want to try it again."

That had been unexpected, and I felt my face fall – why was she so bloody scared of me? Didn't she know that I didn't care how badly she loved? I would take what she would give me because I knew it was enough to last me a lifetime, but she still doubted that. Past experience had a lot to do with it, but couldn't she open herself up one last time – for me? I couldn't be without her – it was simply out of the question.

There was nothing else to say then; I'd said it all and it had no effect at all on her. I wasn't sure what I was going to do next, but I couldn't contemplate it with Lily so close by – it would be like cutting myself while trying to figure out a way to not be suicidal. I got up to leave, but I was taken by surprise – I felt a hand on my wrist, and I knew right away that it was Lily's. She pulled me down to the sofa again, and she looked at me for a fraction of a second.

Then, as though in slow motion, I felt her finally – _finally – _allow her lips to meet mine.

It was my liberation, that kiss. Everything I'd dreamed about, everything I'd wanted in my life – it was all there. With the delicate scent of vanilla cream taking over my body, I kissed Lily Evans, and it was at that moment I knew I was complete. What a kiss that was…pent-up emotions I couldn't even identify came spilling out so harshly that it almost physically wounded me, but it was the most wonderful sensation I'd ever encountered. If I was able to, I'd spend the rest of my life kissing her – I would go legally insane without her.

I felt her hands tangling up painfully into my hair, but I didn't care at all – she could do it if she wanted to. I didn't mind. My hands were on her back and bringing her in as close to me as I could get her to come. I met no resistance, for once, and I could have exploded with happiness. It was almost pitiful, how much she meant to me, but again, I didn't give a damn – you could call me whatever you wanted, but so long as I had Lily, I was always going to be more than fine with it.

I also realized, somewhere in the middle of all that, that Sirius had been right, for once – Lily certainly was a damn good kisser.

When I thought she would want a minute to breathe, I let go and I said, "I never, ever thought you'd let me do that."

"I never, ever thought I would either," Lily admitted, smiling slightly. I wasn't sure if it was because of our kiss or because of what I said, but I liked to think it was a combination of both.

"But I'm glad you did," I assured her at once. "You rarely do anything that you actually want. I would know." It was easy to be light and make jokes and be joyful, now that I'd kissed her – that one kiss had changed everything, now that I look back on it, but I did feel it at the time as well.

"I'm still furious with you about that – remind me to kill you later," she teased me. I knew she had forgiven me though; it was hard not to after having such a kiss.

"Sure." I laughed. "But I _am_ sorry, Lil. I didn't want to do it, but it was a matter of urgency." I thought I sounded a little insincere, but I hoped she didn't think so.

"Prick," she said jokingly. "You didn't have to read my diary at all – you did it because you have an uncanny knack of doing exactly what I don't want you to do."

"Lily, if I hadn't read your diary, I don't think you would have ever told me you were in love with me," I said. "I could tell, even if you told Leila differently."

She thought about this. "I know I'm in love with you – stop reminding me."

"Why? Isn't love a beautiful gift?" I knew she didn't think so – that was why I had to ask. Playing word games with her came easily to me; I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing though.

"Of course it is, James," she said sarcastically. "But like you asked me – where does this leave us? I don't quite know."

"Here's what we'll do," I began to propose, hit by sudden inspiration as I sat her down on the sofa with me. "You can forgive me for reading your diary, and then you and I will ditch class to spend the day together – just you and me. How does that sound?" I personally thought it sounded like fun – especially the 'just you and me' part.

"It sounds…it sounds perfect," Lily said, taking me fully by surprise. "I think I want to do it."

I smiled hugely and kissed her quickly. "Deal," I said into her mouth. She didn't let me say anything else though – she just kissed me again. The magic didn't go away though; I loved that kiss just as much as the first one. I made myself let go, however, and I took her to my dormitory, feeling like I was in some kind of dream world. Reality had never been so fantastic before.

We sat on the bed, my arm still around her waist, when Lily suddenly told me, "You know, normally I wouldn't like it if someone kept their arm there for a long period of time. But now, when you're doing it, I don't mind it at all. Isn't that strange?"

I laughed. "I love you, Lily Evans, and I just can't get over how wonderful it is to say that and have you blush the way you are now – it's always been something I've wanted, but never sure I could have."

Her smile became a bit sad. "I'm sorry about that."

"No problem," I said undoubtedly, my smile still enormous.

She looked at me for a moment, the lust I'd only ever imagined in my mind's eye visible on her face, before she said, "Hey, I have to get something from my dormitory quickly – I'll be right back."

"Oh all right, I suppose I can spare you for a couple of minutes," I said reluctantly as she got up from the bed. She kissed me before she left, and I sat there, still trying to process what had just taken place. Lily Evans had just kissed me three or four times – willingly, too – and we were going to be together, just us two, in my dormitory for the rest of the day. Even in my fantasies, it hadn't been this incredible. I thought about that while I waited – how could reality be better than dreams? It was impossible, yet Lily had just proved the idea. Nothing made sense, but for once, I didn't mind it in the least.

After about two minutes, Lily came back into the dormitory, something in her hand. I stood up, wanting to kiss her again, but she asked me to open up her clenched fist.

"What?"

"I have something in my hand that I want you to have," she said.

Not sure what could possibly be in her hand, I obliged, and I discovered a small slip of parchment that I recognized immediately. It was one of the birthday coupons I had given her back in January – she still had one! What did she want to do with it? "You don't have to give me a coupon to make me do something," I said. "I'd do it no matter what."

"This just makes it official," Lily explained. "I feel better."

"What do you want me to do?"

Lily took a deep breath, hesitated for one more moment, looked me in the eye, and said, "I want you to promise me that you'll keep holding on to me and will never let me go."

I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I had no intelligent words to explain the effect her statement had on me, and I doubted that I ever would – still, I took the coupon, found my voice, and said in a little more than a whisper, "I promise."

"That's all I'll ever want from you." Lily smiled and before I could respond, she was kissing me again. It was lighter than our first few, and I tried to change that, but she didn't let me and I didn't push too hard. However, what I _did_ do was once she tried to pull away, I kissed her again, but harder. She didn't stop me either, which was nice – it was as though she somehow knew that I wouldn't be able to survive not being able to do what I wanted.

When I pulled apart, Lily smiled at me, and it was the smile she had once given Remus that made me ferociously jealous – that one of tenderness that I had wished she would have for me. Resisting the urge to kiss her again, I got another inspirational idea – I went to my drawer and got out my diary. Lily, who hadn't known I wrote in it, asked me what it was, and I laughed ruefully.

"It's exactly what it looks like – a diary," I said. "Remus gave it to me in the beginning of the year as a way to express my thoughts or something like that. I dunno. He made me write in it all year, and since I read your diary, I figured you could read mine."

"I think I'd like that," she said, stroking my hair. "What did you, the famous, magnificent James Potter, write about?"

I snickered. "Funny, Lily. I wrote about you, mostly, but there's a whole lot of random crap in here."

She lay across the bed on her stomach then, and I promptly lay on top of _her_. Her hair tickled my nose whenever she moved her head, but other than that, I was quite comfortable. Lily thought it was incredibly irritating, but she let me do it anyway as she opened up to the first page of my diary. We laughed through it together – I sounded quite young and simplistic. Lily blushed when she read how I had described her, but I insisted that it was true then and it was still true. I won a kiss, which thrilled me, and we moved on to the next few entries.

Reading over my own diary, especially with Lily underneath me (haha), was really, really bizarre, I discovered. I could actually see myself maturing, and some of the things I'd said while in those tumultuous moods were a bit embarrassing. Take one of the entries I wrote in November, for example – it was all about how I was trying to get past my stereotype and how much I desperately wanted Lily to like me, if not love me. I sounded like a whiny little kid, in a way, and Lily apologized quite a lot about making me so insecure. I told her I wasn't insecure, but neither of us believed me – I was insecure and it showed right through the page. It was a peculiar thought though; who would expect _me,_ of all people, to be insecure?

When we got to the entries just after New Years, that was when things started to get a little awkward between her and me. We read about how our fights had affected me, and about how angry I was at her, and I felt bad – I hadn't known what Remus had done on New Years when I wrote those entries. Lily felt worse because she was responsible for most of the angst I had penned down, and nothing I said would make her feel any better. I tried to kiss her, but she would turn away and give me a wide-eyed, upset sort of look.

"Lil, it's not that big of a deal," I said. "It's all over now – I was fine."

"I shouldn't have shouted at you," she said. "It wasn't your fault I was feeling…yucky."

"I know, but that's all over now," I said. I kissed her neck and said, "Relax."

That helped – she did relax after that – and she scanned the rest of the page to make sure I'd forgiven her before she moved on to the next entry. She got quite curious about the secret passage we found and asked me loads of questions about it, all of which I answered, before we got the entry about her birthday. I saw her start to slow down in her pace, the emotion in her eyes becoming steadily murkier, until the end, when she burst into tears completely.

"Lily, what is the matter with you?" I asked, taken aback.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I really, really am."

"It's okay," I said, even though I had no idea what she was sorry about. I put my arm around her shoulders, squeezing her against me, and I kissed her hair.

"You know why I acted the way I did, don't you?" she asked.

"Yes, I do," I said. "And as far as I'm concerned, the last five years haven't even happened – it's just you and me now, and we're starting everything over. A clean slate."

"Starting it all over?" She seemed to like that idea as much as I did.

"Yes." I smiled, relieved that she wasn't crying anymore. "So long as I have you, I'm all right."

"I never thought it would happen, but I feel the same way about you too," she said, her eyes wide and demure once again.

I caressed her cheek for a moment, and as I did, I decided that reading my diary wasn't a good idea. If she had cried over what I'd done for her birthday, she would be in absolute waterworks over what I wrote about later, and I didn't want that. I put away the diary without letting her finish it and I went back to sit with her. I looked at my watch, and then I said in a more business-like tone, "It's twelve o'clock, Lil; the school should be coming back from break in about three hours. What are we going to do until then?"

Lily thought about that. "Mmm…what do you want to do?"

"Besides obey your orders and snog the bloody hell out of you?" I mock-contemplated the matter with her. "I don't know what I want to do."

"I think snogging the bloody hell out of me is your best bet," she said in the flirtiest manner I'd ever heard her use with me.

That was it – that was all I needed. I turned her over on to her back and all but fell on her in a kiss that actually physically hurt me. I needed her far too much – she was my drug, and I was fully dependent on her. It was a good thing we were on a squashy bed; pretty much all of my weight was on top of poor, skinny little Lily, and it wasn't like I was lying motionless. But, since I met no opposition, I continued to kiss her – she was very nearly irresistible. It was insane, how much I loved her – I didn't know how I got on without having her close to me all the time.

We spent most of our three hours together just kissing, but we did take breaks to talk as well. Talking to Lily was, in a way, like writing in my diary – I felt different when I talked to her because I could be completely honest. I didn't have to be anything or anyone else when she was around – she would have stayed no matter what. I liked that; Lily was the only girl that had ever gotten through my Quidditch glamour, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I was sorry when the rest of the Gryffindors come back to the tower; I would have liked our time to continue on for a little while longer.

"Shall we go down to the common room as a couple for the first time then?" I asked her anyway as I let my hand rest on her shoulder.

"I don't know…" Her voice trailed off, but I guaranteed her, "Don't you worry about it, Lily – I'll hold your hand for as long as you want."

"You do know that means you're not going to be allowed to let go, don't you?" She looked at me, her eyes serious. "I need you, James."

"I do know that, and I'm more than happy to oblige," I said. "C'mon." I took her hand, squeezing it in mine, and I took her down the staircase. I honestly felt like I could do anything, so long as I held her hand; she was everything to me – always was and always would be. I never thought I'd get the chance to show her that in a way in which she'd believe, but I guess even the craziest dreams end up coming true if you try hard enough.

When we got to the bottom of the staircase, we found Leila, who had been about to come upstairs, and she was shocked out of her mind to see us together. "Lily, James, where have you been?"

"I wanted a day off," Lily said shyly.

"It worked then?" She was referring to my taking the diary for whatever my use was, and I found that kind of entertaining.

"Yeah, it did – she let me kiss her most of the afternoon," I said proudly.

"Are you…together now?" She was about ready to blow up with enthusiasm – Leila was such a firework.

"I'm going to let Lily answer that," I said, grinning.

"We're together," she confirmed, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"Finally!" Leila actually did explode, and I felt like I could as well – those words were music to my ears. She gave Lily a bear hug before chirping, "I'm utterly excited for you – both of you."

"It was only a matter of time," I said. "But still; it's nice to know that I wasn't stupid like everyone thought I was for waiting so long."

"We have to tell everybody," Leila announced. "Come on!" She took Lily's wrist to haul her over to the Marauders and Kyleigh, but since her other wrist was in mine, I was taken along as well.

"I'm sorry in advance," Lily murmured to me.

"I don't mind," I said easily. "I was probably going to do the same thing myself."

She smiled at me, but we were both thrown over to the chairs where Kyleigh, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sitting, and they were rather stunned to see us.

"Where were you two all day?" Sirius asked once he had disentangled himself from Kyleigh.

Leila answered for us by shouting, "They're together!"

That led to a lot of discussion on whether or not we were really together, and I don't even remember what we said there. All I cared about was that I wasn't dreaming – everything that had happened was real. Kyleigh was probably the most surprised of the lot, though Peter ran a close second – both of them had always been the most cynical on me winning over Lily. Sirius lost interest after a while and Remus was too polite to make the inquiries, but Kyleigh and Peter wanted us to kiss to prove that Lily loved me.

"Shall I?" I asked her, smiling at her.

"No," she said, just like she used to when she hated me.

I was shocked – after all we'd said and done that afternoon, she wasn't going to kiss me? But then she kissed me herself, and I realized that _she_ had wanted to be the one seeking a kiss that time. Well, I was perfectly all right with that – we kissed for a good, long time so that all of the interested Gryffindors could cheer for us. They were very intrigued, most of them – I had only ever heard the common room get that loud when we won a Quidditch match.

I did break apart from Lily though, since I wanted to keep her alive and give her breathing time, but I called out, "What did I tell you all? She's mine!"

Everyone laughed, including Lily, and I could have single-handedly won the Quidditch Cup for all the noise. I loved it though – me and Lily, in the spotlight together. I'd always wanted it to be that way, and I knew that I always would. We were two stand-out individuals, but together, we were out of everyone's league, and that's not even an arrogant comment.

Still, because Lily wasn't used to that spotlight, I whispered in her ear, "C'mon, I'll go drop you off in your dormitory – you probably want to write all of this down in your diary."

"Thanks," she said back into my ear, the smirk practically audible in her tone.

I took her to the staircase and sent her up on her way, smiling as she went. My beautiful little Lily – she always hated it when people acknowledged her presence for too long. I went back to my friends, feeling almost dazed – as though someone had knocked me in the head with something heavy.

"Well done, mate," Sirius congratulated me when he saw me. "I never thought I'd see the day Lily Evans would kiss you."

"I never did either," I said, laughing. "But thanks." He got up and hugged me, which I did appreciate – I knew his opinions of Lily hadn't changed, and that he was only being nice since I had dreamed of this day since I was eleven. We both had our girls – hadn't we always fantasized that it would end up that way?

"Yes, congratulations James," Remus said, his smile wise rather than jovial like Sirius's. "You stuck it out – that's something to be proud of."

"Remus, it was like an afternoon from heaven," I said honestly. "She kissed me, she talked to me, she hugged me, and she told me she loved me."

Remus nodded. "She does love you, James – I could see it in the way she looked at you."

"I can't believe you got that bitch to kiss you," Peter said. "I really can't. But congrats, mate."

I rolled my eyes, but said thank you anyway. "And she's not a bitch, Pete," I added. "She's my girlfriend." I couldn't even say how much I loved saying those words.

"Yes, but how long that stays true is the question," Sirius said. "I mean, what if you do something that annoys her and she breaks up with you?"

"She won't," Remus said sharply. "Don't be pessimistic already, Sirius – he's only just gotten her to love him. Oh, and I meant to ask you, but how did you manage to stay alive after reading her diary?"

"Well, I explained my reasoning, and I found that she was just worried about me knowing that she loved me – that was the only reason she got mad," I said. "She did chase me around the room, hitting me, but she broke down and started ranting like she does when she's distressed. I told her that I loved her, among other things I'm not going to say, and she kissed me. After that, we just went upstairs and spent the afternoon together."

"Did you take her to bed?" Sirius asked eagerly.

Remus smacked Sirius on the arm. "Sirius!"

"What?" Sirius said indignantly, rubbing the spot where Remus had hit him. "It was a simple question!"

I laughed. "No, I didn't take her to bed," I said. "Not yet. I'm only going to do that when we're ready. Today, I just snogged the bloody hell out of her, and that was enough to keep us occupied."

"Good for you," Sirius said good-naturedly.

"Is she a good kisser?" Peter queried with interest.

"The best," I said fervently. "You were right about that, Sirius."

"'Course I was," Sirius said. "I know what I'm talking about when it comes to kissing girls."

I rolled my eyes, but I was too elated to actually get exasperated. "I love her so much, you guys – you have no idea."

"I'm glad it worked for you," Remus said, patting me on the shoulder. "She's a lovely girl."

"You mean a sexy girl," Sirius said, his face mischievous. "I very nearly had sex with her on that one night we went to that club – she looks wicked awesome in the right dress."

"You're sick," Remus accused.

"He's right," Peter said. "She's sexy, but she's infuriating."

"Don't talk bad about her," I said. "She's going to be hanging around with us now, since she and I are together."

"Great," Sirius said apathetically.

"Yes, and you're going to be nice to her, Sirius," I said. "She's my girlfriend – I'm not horrible to Kyleigh, you won't be horrible to Lily."

"Fine," Sirius said grudgingly. "But it's only because you're my best friend, and if she's somehow the one that you want, then I'll have to accept her."

"Thanks," I said, smiling slightly. "I have to go upstairs though, so I'll talk to you three later."

"All right, James – we'll see you at dinner," Peter said with a wave while Sirius and Remus said good-night to me at the same time. I came upstairs to the dormitory and wrote about all of this just now, and I still can hardly register that it's happened. Lily Evans had sworn to hate me forever in the first month of our first year, and now she was my girlfriend! I'm so glad she can change her mind – I don't know how I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing her giggle or kissing her. I wasn't in love anymore – I was addicted.

I don't think I want to eat dinner tonight – I'm probably just going to go to sleep early and see Lily again in the morning. I've just been through a major event in my life, and though it's made me happier than I could have ever thought I would be, it's a lot of new feelings too fast, and I need some time to adjust. I mean, I'm in love with Lily Evans – you know you're in for something intense when it's Lily you're dealing with.

I love that girl to the death, and that's good, because since she's one of the few I'd ever die for, I think she'll end up being the death of me.

_A/N: I can honestly say I'm ready to pull my hair out – this was such a long, hard chapter to write, and I hated the way I wrote it. Still, I kept it up as it is just because I am not in the mood to fix it and I don't know how else to do it. I know it's kind of out of character, but seriously – how would you have done it? I'm sick of this damn chapter – I've been at it for over a week – and I think that this is the best I can do. Do remember though, that __**there are still chapters after this, and I can confidently say that I will be happier with them than I was with this one. **__So I think that's it – I hope you liked this and review!_


	45. Existing Potter Style

_A/N: Yuck; my life sucks so badly, I'm not even going to go into any details. All you need to know is that updating is going to be slow, and I'm terribly sorry about that, but there's really nothing I can do. So here's this chapter (it's a lot of fluff and romance – you have been warned) – I hope you like it._

_Music to listen to: Brighter Than Sunshine (Aqualung), Some Hearts (Carrie Underwood), I Could Get Used to This (The Veronicas), Home (Vanessa Carlton)_

**Lily**

May 17th

Dear Diary,

It's been ten days since James Potter read my diary. That means it's been ten days I've been living in a life that's not my own.

It may sound strange for me to say that, but it feels like its true – I never, ever thought I'd be acting the way I am nowadays. I always thought I'd find the perfect guy later some day, when I was a little older, and he'd come, sweep me off my feet, and marry me away. I'd be happy, and bam; there was my fairytale ending – quick, effortless, and utterly perfect. Of course, I'd been naïve when I thought like that; I know now that real life works much differently. For example, real life presented me with James, and like someone who turned out to be very smart once told me, he was a truly good person in disguise. He taught me everything I needed to know over the course of five years, and when I got the completely wrong idea, he set me straight – he has changed me more than I could have guessed he would. It's crazy, and I feel like I'm going to wake up from the dream any day now, but for now, I'm happy, and that's all that matters to me.

Why am I happy? Well, this time, the better question is why I_ wouldn't_ be happy – I am in the company of one of the best people on this planet nearly every hour or every day. His face is the last thing I see in my mind's eye at night before I go to sleep and the first thing I think of in the morning when I awake. He spends every available minute he can with me, and he's sensitive to what I like or don't like. I never – not in a million years – who would have thought that James Potter could be so sensitive, or sweet, or generally perfect? All of the faults I used to pick at are cute habits to me now, and I don't mind them. His strengths seem to stand out, and I wonder why I didn't appreciate them before. The air outside seems to be warmer, the early-summer sun seems to shine brighter, and I, the most pessimistic person to walk the earth, seem to be a little more optimistic, which is a miracle in itself. I'm invincible to everything and everyone, and it's only because I know James is on my side. I guess I always knew that, but now I trust it, and I'm the first to know that trusting someone can make all the difference in the world.

I know that Leila gets a huge kick out of seeing us together all the time. She always grins when James kisses me, and giggles when he tells me he loves me – she had been telling me for years it would end up working that way, and she enjoyed being right. She told me that this morning, when she and I walked down to breakfast together.

"I knew it, Lily," Leila said for about the twentieth time that day alone. "I'd known it since you first decided to hate him, and look at how right I was."

"Yes, thank you, Leila," I said, grinning at her.

"I'm _so_ good at this," Leila complimented herself. "I think I should take up Divination – I'd impress those Seers, eh?"

"Of course you would," I said, laughing.

"Hell yeah." Leila put her fist in the air. "So, what do you say to having a night at Honeydukes, eating as much chocolate as we possibly can?"

"I say let's do it," I said, smiling. "We haven't done anything together lately because I'm utterly obsessed with James."

"I know." Leila pulled a face. "I totally support you guys and all, but I miss my best friend."

"I miss you too, Leils – that's why we're going to do something tonight," I said, hugging her briefly.

"Sounds good." She gave me an enormous grin and then raced me down to the Great Hall. I did see James in there (he was sitting with Remus, Sirius, and Peter), but he didn't see me – I made sure he didn't. I felt that I should probably eat with Leila for once, without having James there, flirting like the maniac that he was, so that was exactly what I did – Leila and I tried to figure out who could chug their orange juice faster. Sure, it was a behavior I usually didn't engage myself in, but it was fun; and, as a fun fact, Leila won by two and a half seconds. However, I could eat my toast faster than she could by five seconds; I felt a bit better, even if she probably did let me win.

On my way out of breakfast, James came up behind me, wrapped his arms around my middle, squeezed me, and blew in my ear. I screamed out loud, making Leila chortle crazily, but James just turned me around and kissed me deeply, knowing he wouldn't meet any resistance.

"You didn't think you'd be able to avoid me today, did you?" he asked me playfully when he was finished.

"No, I didn't – I just wanted breakfast to myself, James," I said, smiling slightly. "Give me _some_ space, would you?"

"I did, and trust me, it's been far too long as it is," he said. "I mean really – when was the last time I saw you? Yesterday night?"

I knew by his tone that he was joking, but somehow, it didn't feel that way. "You mad, mad child," I said. "You're being so hopeless right now."

James gave me his huge, I-don't-care-if-you-think-I'm-too-obsessed-with-you smile, which made Leila stop laughing at us and say, "Lily! Don't call your boyfriend hopeless."

"He attacked me – I think I'm allowed to call him hopeless," I told her. "Don't you think so, James?"

"Of course I do," he agreed. "But I think we're going to get late to class, and knowing Lily's values for work, I'd better get her there." Then he surprised me by seizing me, and throwing me over his shoulder before making his way through the corridor, leaving Leila hooting her arse off behind us.

"James, put me down!" I hollered. I had never liked being carried – it felt bumpy and made it far too easy to fall to the ground.

"I've got you, Lily, stop worrying so much," he said playfully. "You're still too light – are you sure you've been eating properly?"

"Yes, I have; you've been watching me eat for ages," I said. "Now bloody put me down!"

"I thought you'd enjoy a ride to class," James told me naively. "Most girls do."

"Not this girl – my cousin David once did this to me when I was six, and I ended up breaking my wrist because he dropped me," I informed him.

"I'm not your cousin David, so you have nothing to agonize about," he said easily. "I'm never going to drop you."

It was no use arguing with him on the matter, so I let him take me up to Transfiguration. It wasn't as scary as it could be, since James was true to his word and didn't even get close to dropping me, and I confessed that when he sat me on my desk in the empty classroom.

My statement made him grin. "I told you so," he teased.

"Why on earth did you carry me though?" I wanted to know.

"I felt like it," he answered. "And why do you question me on everything I do?"

"Because none of it makes bloody sense."

James made his disbelieving noise. "Lil, really – why do you question me all the time?"

"I ask a lot of questions," I said defensively. "All you have to do is answer them, James."

"You still don't trust me." He wasn't hurt by that; simply amused.

"I trust you," I protested. "But when everything's going right, don't you ever feel like you're way overdue for some bad luck? I know I'm not going to care when it comes around, but it's a sense of foreboding, you know?"

He thought on that. "I think I get it. But you really need to shake that foreboding – nothing and no one are going to touch you besides me, all right? Relax."

"I can do that," I said.

"Good." James smiled and leaned up to kiss me again, and I happily obliged. With a lot of couples that lasted more than six months, I had noticed that there was never any passion or any magic in the way they kissed – it was like they were just going through the motions because they were still a couple. I knew it wasn't like that with James and me though; the magic remained with every day we were together, and there was always that little spark that went off when _we_ kissed. We had a timeless love, and I constantly admired that when he was with me.

We only stopped kissing once Kyleigh walked into the room, and she looked rather surprised to see us in there so early, let alone doing what we were. "Hey Lily, hey James," she said, her bewilderment evident in her tone of voice.

"Hey Kyleigh," I said, blushing slightly. "What brings you in here so early?"

"Had to drop off my stuff so that I could find Sirius again," she said as she dropped her bag by her seat. "How about you?"

"James wanted to be in here early," I said.

"I see." She took a breath and then said, "I guess I'll see you around."

"Sure," I replied. "Bye."

Kyleigh waved awkwardly, but left the room anyway. James and I looked at each other for a moment, digesting what had just taken place, and I laughed. "She's probably outside giggling about what she just saw us do," I said. "Kyleigh lives to gossip."

"I'm okay with that," he said, grinning. "We'll give her things to gossip about."

"Like what?"

James thought about that. "I dunno. We can hide in a broom cupboard and let her find us snogging in there or something."

I swatted his shoulder. "I am not going to hide in a broom cupboard with you. If you want to snog me, you're going to have to do it in places that aren't broom cupboards."

"Tell me where and I'll be there," he said rather suggestively.

I rolled my eyes and smirked. "Not tonight – I have O. W. L. practice papers to get to."

"Not you too," he groaned. "Remus has been doing those obsessively lately, and I was hoping you'd forgotten about it."

"How could I forget about it? The O. W. L.'s are coming in less than a month – this is the time to be studying," I told him. "I have plenty; you can do them with me."

"Lily, I'm not going to do bloody O. W. L. practice papers," James said firmly. "That's positively inhuman. Sirius would eat me alive."

"Like I would really let him do that," I scoffed. "Come on – they can only help you after all."

"I don't want to do them," he repeated. "They're positively inhuman – I just said that."

"James, I want you to pass and do well, so you're going to do O. W. L. practice papers with me tonight, all right?" I ordered. "That's final."

"Lily." He dragged my name out into an almighty moan. "I don't want to study."

"Sweetie, I don't care if you want to or not," I said. "You're studying with me tonight because you haven't even started yet, which is bad."

"I don't _need_ to," he tried to convince me.

"Yes, you do," I said. "I don't care how smart you are – you need to prepare regardless. Besides, it would make me happy; can you study as a favor?"

James looked extremely displeased. "Lily, please don't do this to me. You know I can't turn down a favor."

I batted my eyelashes. "I know."

He exhaled irately. "Fine. Just because I love you so much."

"Thank you," I said demurely. "I love you too."

"At least kiss me and make my efforts worthwhile," he complained.

"I can do that," I said, smiling as I leaned down to him for the second time. He met me readily and savored the kiss for a few minutes. Then he let me go and said, "Okay, so tonight we're studying?"

"Yes, we are," I confirmed.

"And tomorrow you're going to come with me to my Quidditch practice?"

"I am?" I frowned; he knew that I didn't like Quidditch too much.

"Yes, you are," he said with a triumphant nod.

"Okay, I am," I agreed, just because he expected me not to. "I'll watch you terrorize that poor Keeper as you shoot goal after goal."

"Excellent." He kissed me again. "I like the sound of that."

I bounced down from my spot on the desk and sat in my actual chair. "So do I. Now sit – Professor McGonagall will be in here soon and if she sees you kissing me, she's going to throw a fit or something."

"Right," he said with a laugh as he went to his seat. "I forgot that I'm not allowed to kiss you when a teacher is around."

I smirked while I got out my books from my bag; James was just so silly sometimes, and it just made him cuter somehow. I was too in love with him for my own good.

Professor McGonagall did enter the room at that point, followed closely by a large group of early-breakfast-eaters, and I wasn't able to talk to James again. Leila bounced in and seized the seat next to me, pleased that she was able to occupy it for once, and began to take out her things.

"So, what did you have to give James to let this seat stay open?" she asked me conversationally.

"Nothing," I said. "He went to his old seat. I think Sirius wanted to sit with him and I knew I'd been ignoring you in class lately."

She laughed. "Your sitting with James all the time doesn't make me mad or anything, if you're doing this out of pity – I think it's perfectly fine if you sit with your boyfriend."

"Relax Leila," I said. "Now what did you get for question three on the list of questions McGonagall assigned? That was the only one I wasn't sure about."

"I don't know, I didn't get many of them at all," Leila said, giving me her page. "You can take a look at what I have, but it's probably not right."

"Leils, why didn't you ask me for help on this?" I inquired.

"Because I did it at about four this morning," she said. "Otherwise believe me, I would have asked for your help."

I chuckled, handed the parchment back to her, and watched the last of the class throw themselves into their desks before the bell rang and McGonagall began the day's lesson. James had indeed chosen to sit next to Sirius for the day, and McGonagall did note dryly that when he sat with me, he was much better behaved; that made him wink at me from across the room before arguing vehemently about the conclusion. Sirius backed him up, claiming "no chick could keep him under control," and about half the class period was wasted, which, of course, was fine with everyone in the room. Before, if that had happened, I would have been furious – I would have added that to my list of the reasons I hated James. Not today though; today, I enjoyed our day off just like everyone else. Leila said that this was either a sign of me being ill or me acting like a normal person at last. I agreed with the former; I had already diagnosed myself with love sickness.

After classes ended for the afternoon, I dragged James down to the common room without letting him drop his bag off upstairs. I laid out my books, parchment, and quill like always, while James watched me in disbelief.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked me.

"Because I know it's good for me," I said. "Get your quill and ink out – I'll give you a practice test to take to see where you're at."

He groaned, but took out the quill anyway and waited for me to give him the test. I did, and took one of myself as well. "Enjoy yourself," I said as I began to write down the answer for the first question.

I got a grunt in reply, which was intended to tell me he wasn't happy about what he was doing, but I ignored it as I got lost into my thought processes. The test was very, very easy for me, which was a good sign, and I managed to get the whole thing done in half an hour – a new record for me. I turned around to find the answer key in my bag, but James was already flipping through it, checking his paper.

"How are you already done?" I asked in disbelief. "That's one of the more difficult tests I have."

"Really?" James looked at his sheet in disbelief. "It was a piece of cake – I'll be fine on this O. W. L. if this is the standard."

I sighed. "James Potter, you never cease to amaze me. Did you miss any?"

"No," he said, handing to me. "Here, check it for me."

I looked through his work, and even though it was done in something that amounted to a little more than barely legible chicken-scratch, it was correct. I gave it back to him, looking annoyed. "How do you do it? How can you do this with such ease the first time while I blunder along, doing the same thing for ages to get it right?"

"I don't know," James said. "I really don't. I just trust my instinct – maybe you should try that. You always change your answers through five times before you're satisfied."

"Well, I'm doing better than you in every class, so perhaps my methods aren't as fallible as you claim," I said, miffed.

"I'm not saying they're fallible – whatever that means," he said. "I'm just saying that you should go with your gut feeling. It's always worked for me and Sirius."

I sighed once again. "Maybe so, but your gut can be wrong – you have to keep checking your answers to make sure you got the maximum amount right."

"This is your problem with life in general, Lily – you always doubt what you know is right just because you think you can do better," James told me. "Sometimes, that's not the case; sometimes, you just need to go out there and do something incredibly stupid just because you can."

I chose to ignore his comments as I said, "Do you want another test?"

"No, I don't," he said. "I know this stuff already, and so do you. Trust me, Lil; one day, your brain is going to completely rebel against you and refuse to work anymore, if this is the hell you've been giving it all year."

"My brain, like me, has learned to persist," I said stoutly.

"Take a break," he suggested. "How about I take you out tonight?"

"I don't want to go out – I want to get ready for these bloody exams," I said.

I was really beginning to irritate James. "Do you want me to drag you out by force then?"

I pursed my lips, but I packed up my bag. When everything was put away, I faced him and said, "There – I'm done. What now?"

"Now you and I are going to Hogsmeade and I take you out for real," he said. "I've been trying for ages, but you never let me; today, I will."

"I'm hanging out with Leila tonight," I said. "And you have Quidditch practice tomorrow."

He groaned. "Why can I never take you out?"

"You don't need to," I said. "I'm happy being with you every waking minute within the castle. It's not necessary to take me out to the village because I'm already in love with you."

"Still," he fussed. "I've been dreaming of the day I'd be able to go out with you, and even now, I can't get it."

"Why are you insistent that we go out?" I asked.

"It's what normal couples usually do," he clarified.

"You are so damn _stupid_," I accused him.

"What?" He wrinkled his nose in confusion at my insult – he hadn't been used to getting those lately.

"James Potter, do you really think, even for a second, that we are like any other couple?" I demanded. "We're different – other people wish they were like _us_; we'll change things up and, like you said, give them something to gossip about."

He looked bewildered for a moment, but then his face cracked into a huge grin. "That's exactly what I like to hear. We won't go out then – not this year. Maybe next year. What do you say?"

"I say we'll think about it when the time comes," I said. "But as of right now, I need to put my things away so that Leila and I can go to Hogsmeade – I'll see you when I get back."

"I'll miss you," James said innocently.

I kissed him. "I'll miss you too, but we'll both be okay. See you later." I heaved my bag up the stairs then, and tried to do something to my hair to help it look more presentable – James was forever running his fingers through it, making it extremely messy. Then I just lingered in the dormitory, waiting for Leila, who came looking for me roughly twenty minutes later.

"Ready?" she asked.

"I have been for quite a while by now," I said. "Where were you?"

"Downstairs, trying to look for you," said Leila. "I searched everywhere – I didn't think you'd actually be ready before me."

"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically. "Now let's go – I'm craving chocolate."

"Why, didn't James feed you chocolate while you studied?" she teased.

I rolled my eyes, but grabbed her wrist and pulled her out of the dormitory with me. She laughed at me and called me pushy – I told her that she hadn't seen anything yet. She expressed sorrow for James, if that was what he dealt with on a daily basis, and that hit a soft spot; I gave her my incredibly hurt look, to which she hugged me and apologized. In short, we just had a lot of silly fun – Leila and I always did that with each other. I enjoyed it too, because even if it was taken to a different direction this time (i.e. jokes on why James was in love with me), it told me that Leila was still there with me, even if I did kind of ignore her sometimes. That meant more to me than I could ever tell her, and that was a statement of pure fact.

I came back to my dormitory tonight, and I knew that I had to write. I mean, it's been beyond amazing lately – nothing has ever come out so _right_. Actually, it's all wrong – a few months ago, I wouldn't have ditched my friend for any guy in the universe, and James would never have even been a consideration for a boyfriend – but perhaps that was what made it so right. After all, James was always going to be the right kind of wrong – I was never supposed to love him so fully, or so fixatedly, yet I did anyway, and I adored every minute of it. No one had ever taken the time to completely befuddle me the way he had, but, even after everything I've ever said on the subject, I'm glad he did.

As I leave off this entry, I'd like to make a final statement that sums up these ten days for me: some guys give you flowers to show you they care, some guys buy you extravagant presents every day, and some guys say the sweetest things known to humankind, but it's the guys that exasperate the living hell out of you that you end up falling for. And _that_ is the beautiful, ironic, and utter cruelty nature of life.

**James**

May 17th

Dear Diary,

I thought I was happy the day I got the letter to come to Hogwarts. I thought I was happy when I got sorted into Gryffindor House and found the three greatest friends anyone could ever have. I thought I was happy when I found that magic was easy for me to do, resulting in more free time to do what I wanted. But I never, ever thought happiness could come better than what I had already experienced – that is, until I met Lily Evans.

I can't even begin to describe how much I feel when I'm with her. It's like nothing can ever be wrong in the world – she is all I see, and everything else goes away for a little while. It's extreme, what I feel for her, and I shouldn't feel like that when I'm only sixteen, but it's real and it's unavoidable. When true love pays you a visit, you need to bloody welcome it into your life and take what it gives you, and that is exactly what I'm going to do.

For ten days now, I've had everything I could have asked for and much more. Lily, the girl who once told me she would sooner eat frog legs than tell me she loved me, has been in my arms or at least near me for at least eight hours every day. We rag on each other a lot, but it's like what I do with Sirius – offending if done with people who don't understand the humor, but natural and incredibly fun for us. I also randomly attack her every so often, making her scream, but she'll usually forgive me for it – she knows I can't help myself.

Probably the strangest part of the whole ordeal is that somehow, Lily has managed to get along with the Marauders as well. Peter has never truly minded her – only because of Sirius did he insult her – and Remus, of course, liked having her around, though not in _that_ way, because I'm going out with her. Sirius either abused her verbally or completely ignored her; he acted on mood, mostly. Lily didn't care about that, however – I knew she didn't because if he said something rude, she'd slap him or tell him to shut the hell up, and then kiss me in front of him to show that she was there to stay. Sirius would grumble for a few minutes about how much she controlled me, but he did get over it – he had to, because I forced him to.

I remember yesterday was one such day; I was sitting in the common room by the fire, with Lily in my lap, playing with her hair, when Sirius bounced over. "James, I want something from the kitchens – do you want to come with me?"

"No, I'm busy," I said absentmindedly.

"You can bring the bitch with you," Sirius said impatiently. "Come on!"

"Oy, I'm not a bitch," Lily objected.

"Yeah, and I'm not Kyleigh's boyfriend," Sirius told her sarcastically.

She made a face at him. "You're so full of shit, it's not even funny."

"Are you going to let her get away with that?" Sirius demanded.

"Sure," I said, continuing to play with her hair.

"Why do you control him so much?" Sirius spat at Lily. "You can make him do just about anything!"

"And what's your problem?" she asked.

"My problem is that you've turned my best friend into a moldable piece of plastic!" he burst out. "He's a Quidditch player, damn it, not some little boy that plays with his girlfriend's hair instead of filches from the kitchens!"

"He can be a Quidditch player who also plays with his girlfriend's hair," Lily countered irritably. "Now go away."

Sirius looked mightily annoyed as he stomped away, but I didn't quite care, because the moment he turned around, she kissed me and told me to kill him next time I saw him.

"He's my best friend, Lil," I said, smiling wryly. "I kind of like him alive, you know?"

She sighed. "Fine, if you insist."

"Thank you." I smiled at her, and that just drove Sirius off the edge – he huffed off to the kitchen by himself. Lily found that funny.

"Why does he care so much about me and you?" she asked. "It's our business, not his."

"He's concerned, really," I told her. "It's kind of hard to understand Sirius if you don't know him as well as I do, but pretty much, he, like you did, doubts that you're going to be enough for me. He thinks that you're going to do something stupid that will offend me and break my heart – he wants to save me from that. That's all."

"It's _your_ life, not his," she insisted. "Shouldn't boundaries mean anything to him?"

"Think of it as Leila trying very unsuccessfully to divert you from something you know is going to work," I said. "You're not going to kill her for interfering because she means well, are you?"

"I suppose." Lily sighed. "But since I'm bothering him so much, why don't you go find him in the kitchens and pig out on whatever you two eat down there? I have some homework left to do."

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "We've both been neglecting our friends lately."

She was right – unfortunately. Unwillingly, I let go of the lock of her hair I'd been playing with and allowed her to stand up. She kissed me before running upstairs to her dormitory, and I walked leisurely back to the kitchens, my mind full of her again. I nearly ran into Sirius as he came out of the familiar passage I was entering – I was only brought back to earth by him yelling, "Bloody hell, Prongs, watch it!"

"Sirius," I said, my head spinning slightly. "Hey."

"Where's the bitch?" He looked around me, looking for Lily.

I smirked. "She's not a bitch, Sirius – she's Lily, and you'd better learn to like her."

"Never," Sirius said resolutely. "It's not easy to like someone like her – if it weren't for you, she'd end up alone, and for good reason."

"She wouldn't," I said. "Once you care enough to look, she's fantastic. She's just cautious – she doesn't like big risks."

"There's a turn off right there," he said triumphantly. "I'm all for big risks – if a girl I'm dating doesn't like them, I dump her on the spot."

"No you don't – Kyleigh has limits to her risk-taking," I told him.

"Kyleigh is exceptional in both her kissing and her bed skills; I excuse her risk-taking," Sirius informed me. "I like a girl who can keep me interested."

I laughed. "Don't let Moony hear you say that."

"Moony has to learn to deal with these things," Sirius said flippantly, walking outside with me. "I like girls."

"That's a bit of an understatement, wouldn't you say?" I grinned. "Sirius, girls are your _life_."

Sirius shrugged. "Still."

"What will you do once you run out of girls to shag?"

"I'll move on to the blokes." Sirius chortled at his declaration and my appalled expression. "But that was a joke – I'm not that kind of a person. Girls only."

"Good," I said, disgruntled. "Anyway, the full moon is tonight – are we going to have some midnight fun with the rest of the Marauders tonight?"

"'Course we are, Prongsie, what's the matter with you?" Sirius thumped me on the back of the head. "I think we should do a little more work on the Map too; I want to get this thing done before the O. W. L.'s so that we can at least use it a _little_ bit before the year is over."

"Good idea," I said. "Did you tell Moony and Wormtail?"

"Wormtail, yes, but not Moony," Sirius said. "I couldn't find him anywhere. I think he's hiding from me."

I rolled my eyes. "I doubt he's hiding from you, Padfoot – you're one of his best friends. But we'll tell him later; for now, lets prepare for what we're going to do tonight, all right?"

"Sure." Sirius seemed to like the idea, because he led me to the common room, where he began proudly showing me the blueprint of the Map he and Wormtail (but mostly he) had created. I admitted to being rather impressed, which I was – he'd done a great job on it. Even Remus would agree.

Later on last night, Remus, pale in the face, whispered that it was time to get going. I nodded, found Sirius and Peter, and told them we were on the way to the Shack – Moony was feeling a little scratchy. Peter found my joke quite humorous, although Sirius didn't, and we three transformed once in the cover of darkness on the grounds. Sirius, being the usual cover for Remus, quickly went to his place in front of him, and led all of us to the Whomping Willow, where Peter cleared the way for us to go to the Shack itself. Once in, Remus sat in his favorite corner, waiting tensely for the transformation to go through.

Sirius, despite the fairly edgy mood, brightly announced that he was in the mood for waffles. Remus gave him a look from his corner, but I laughed, and Peter completely agreed.

"How can you be thinking about waffles at a time like this?" Remus asked, his voice strained, but still aggravated.

"Because I'm bloody hungry," Sirius snapped. "And I love waffles."

Remus gives up, because at that point, he began to transform. Sirius watched placidly, while Peter squeaked under a dresser on the side and I backed away a little; I was still not accustomed to gentle little Remus turning into a werewolf.

This time, for our midnight adventure, we had decided upon searching the grounds for passages we might have missed for the Marauder's Map. Peter led the way out of the Shrieking Shack, like always, and we happily wreaked havoc across the grounds. Werewolf-Remus liked stretching his legs out a bit and taking a few laps around the castle, and Sirius and I enjoy the exercise. Peter hates it, but he hates being alone more, so he joins us, huffing and puffing as he goes. Tonight though, when we are by the side, by the Forbidden Forest, a student was walking by – from the looks of it, it was a particularly tiny first year. Worriedly, I looked at Remus, and I could see he was ready to pounce; Remus was never allowed to attack anyone, obviously, and now that he had an opportunity, he was going to try using it.

Sirius barked at me to tell me to restrain Remus, but he tore off before I could catch him. Peter squeaked again with fear, but he was too small to make a difference – Remus would devour him within a swallow if he got too close. That was why it was up to me and Sirius to save the life of that boy, who had no idea how close he was to his own untimely demise.

I jumped onto Remus's back in my enormous stag form, trying to weaken him, and Sirius pushes him away from the front, growling from the effort; Remus was fighting tooth and nail to get out and bite the child.

"Don't let him go," I tried to tell Sirius.

"Obviously not," Sirius howled back at me, and we both drag Remus as far as we can from the forest. We thought it was a close save, when all of a sudden, Remus shot back out at a frightening speed to the boy, who was wandering near the edge of the forest, looking for something or the other.

"Shit," Sirius said in a low rumble as he ran after Remus. I galloped over to them, lingering nearby in case I was needed, but Sirius seemed to be doing fine on his own; he was up on his two hind legs, his front paws holding back Remus's chest. However, Remus didn't even seem to know it was Sirius that was there, keeping him away from a little kid; he just kept fighting back impatiently, trying to move him out of the way. In frustration, Sirius suddenly licked the whole of Remus's wolfy face, much to my and Peter's astonishment. Remus was even stunned – he stopped trying to kick and let Sirius take him away to the Shack again.

The moment werewolf-Remus was safely in a corner with a chair to destroy, I transformed into a human again, calling for Peter and Sirius to as well.

"Sirius, what were you doing back there?" I demanded.

"I had to do _something_, so I licked him," Sirius said as though this was completely normal. "Worked too, didn't it?"

"_Why_?" Peter asked, wrinkling his nose with disgust.

"Why wouldn't I?" Sirius was getting quickly agitated. "Look, I don't have time to come with a brilliant plan on the spot – I did whatever I could, and the result was the intended one. Can we stop questioning me?"

I decided to drop it, just because Sirius looked extremely pissed, but that didn't mean Peter didn't. "You're strong, Padfoot," he pointed out. "You could have held him back, and you were – why'd you lick him? If you were human, that would count as a huge snog."

That led to a tremendously awkward silence; Sirius's face resembled hard stone, I was awed that Peter had the nerve to say that, and Peter himself was waiting tentatively to either get an answer or be murdered. After waiting a couple of minutes, Sirius said, "I do not snog blokes. I snog girls only. Are you trying to imply that I'm in love with my best friend?"

"N-no," Peter stammers.

"Good," Sirius said. "Because if you were, I'd have to pummel you into a pulp, because that's disgusting – even for me."

"Of course." Peter gave an unconvincing little smile, but Sirius accepted it and turned to face me.

"What do you say to going inside, getting some ice cream, and then working a little on the Map?" he asked me.

"I'd say yes to the first two, but we should wait and finish the Marauder's Map when Moony is human again," I said. "It doesn't feel right, doing something this huge without him, you know what I mean?"

"I guess," Sirius said grudgingly. "I really want to finish that damn thing – we never do."

"Relax," I said soothingly. "We'll do it. Just wait for the full moon to wane again."

"Yeah, and wait for that bitch Evans to go away," he muttered.

"Can you stop calling her that?" I requested irritably. "She's my girlfriend, and I'm in love with her – leave her alone."

"Whatever." He doesn't bother to even pretend he'll stop calling her a bitch; he just gets up and gestures for me and Peter to follow him, which we do. Then, equipped with three heaping bowls of chocolate ice cream, we went upstairs, ate, and got into bed; it was about three in the morning, and we had to sleep _some_ time. Sirius and Peter were asleep nearly at once, but I stayed up because I was thinking about Lily. I was always thinking about her, but whenever Sirius called her a bitch, I always thought about her more, wondering how she must look to the rest of the world who wasn't in love with her. She would seem melodramatic and kind of annoying, really; that was so weird to think about, because I never thought of her as anything besides my beautiful yet stubborn crush. I didn't care what everyone thought though; she was always going to be everything to me.

That's why I'm happy now – I know that no matter what I do or who I hang out with, Lily is always going to be mine, and I'm always going to be hers. It's never going to be any other way, and, for that, I am eternally grateful that I did something worth receiving a gift like Lily Evans.

I think I am pretty damn lucky that way.

_A/N: Like I said before, future updates will be slow, but I do hope you enjoyed this chapter and will review! I like reviews. :P Anyway, thanks for being patient for this one, you guys, I know it was a long wait, but if we're lucky, it won't be quite as long next time._


	46. Legendary Events

_A/N: Yes, yes, I know, it's been a hideously long wait for this chapter, and I'm sorry about that, but I had to finish up another story, as well as keep up with my extremely evil high school classes. Anyway, after much thought, I have found I've lied to you (yet again, I know, I'm sorry about that too, but my plans change a lot – you writers out there probably know what I'm talking about) and this story has only __3__ chapters instead of four left. This and two more. So I hope you like them and can forgive me for being so horrible with giving you the ending for this story. :) In this one, Lily's is kind of short and kind of boring, but James's is much more interesting (and is, for once, the bulk of the chapter as a whole), so I hope you enjoy the whole thing & will review!_

_Music to listen to: Before Your Love (Kelly Clarkson), You Get Me and You Set Me Free (both Michelle Branch), Every Time We Touch (Cascada), Truly Madly Deeply (Savage Garden version), Must Have Done Something Right (Relient K)_

**James**

June 2nd

Dear Diary,

I'm still waiting to wake up.

Seriously – I have to be dreaming the past few weeks. Me, Lily, together, Sirius being a bit less obnoxious about her every day…I never thought it would happen. Ever. Lily always hated me, but now she doesn't – now, she's with me and won't be going any time soon. Even after all the time I've spent with her, I'm still not able to wrap my mind around the fact that I don't have to dream about us being together anymore; all I have to do is kidnap her from wherever she is in the castle and we can do whatever we want. Occasionally, Leila will tell me to back off so that she can keep her best friend for a little while, but mostly, she's okay with the fact that I can't survive without seeing her every few hours. Sirius has complained about my dependence on Lily being unhealthy (which it kind of is), but I've taken the liberty of pointing out that he is dependent on _any_ girl with a mouth – his first choice is still Kyleigh, somehow – and I'm only dependent on the one girl. That usually shuts him up.

Peter and Remus don't quite care about my obsession with Lily as much as they did when we first got together. Peter never honestly cared – he was too busy trying to pass his classes or trying to keep up with Sirius's ever-changing prejudices – and Remus was happy for me, but things are in routine now; I'm with Lily, Sirius is with Kyleigh, Peter is with no one (we feel kind of bad about that though), and Remus is with his books all the time. No one questions it. Remus has a reason for not caring, however – he's stressing about the O. W. L. exams, and is more withdrawn than usual. I don't see why.

A few weeks ago, I was looking for him because Sirius was in the mood to cause some trouble, but I couldn't find him anywhere in the castle. When I finally did find him, he was underneath an enormous, teetering stack of books that he was attempting to feverishly read. I nearly laughed when I approached him.

"Moony, mate, what the hell are you doing?" I asked as I sat down beside him.

"Working," Remus said in a low voice, turning a page and reading so fast his eyes appeared to be blurred.

"You're being a nut job, you mean." I glanced over at his shoulder to see a lot of difficult-looking words printed in tiny font. "You're killing your eyes and your brain at the same time."

"Exams," was the only grunt I got in response to that.

Annoyed, I took the book away from him and tossed it on the side. Remus gave me a scandalized look, but I merely shrugged. "It's for your own good," I said as I waved my wand to make the books fly back to their original spots. "You and Lily are so crazy about these stupid exams. I'll tell you what I tell her – you're going to do amazing and you're going to wonder why you worked so hard when you knew everything and more already."

"James, the exams are next week," Remus said. "I need to study now because I'm going to be distracted by you three goofing off; I know I am."

"You will definitely find a way to pay us no attention, Moony, you've done it many times before, so for now, I'd say you need a break," I declared. "Sirius and Peter want to drop a few Dungbombs in select places across the school, namely the Slytherin common room we now know how to get to, and we want you to come with us."

"I can't," Remus said with a sigh. "I need to work. Do you know where Lily is? I need to borrow her Charms notes. She has loads of them."

"She's probably upstairs with Leila, and you should be too," I said.

"I should be upstairs with Leila?" Remus asked, wrinkling his nose.

I slap my forehead with my hand. "You know, for someone so smart, you can be kind of out of it sometimes, Moony. No, you should not be with Leila – what I meant was, you should be up enjoying yourself with your friends, me, Sirius, and Peter, so come on; we'll have a bit of fun and your brain will thank you for it."

Remus considered, and I could see that the effect of my words was starting to get to him. "All right," he gave in at last. "Where are Sirius and Peter?"

I beamed. "In our common room, getting ready to destroy the Slytherin one." I took his wrist, and we tore off upstairs to find the other two; and, for the record, we made a total mess of the Slytherin common room and got double detentions for it, which we (meaning Sirius, Peter, and I – not Remus) were glad to serve for such a worthy cause. All the extra studying going around the castle was starting to become sickening for us, and we just needed to let off our steam properly.

The bad part? Remus refused to indulge in any other pranks or jokes afterwards, claiming that they were "unnecessary and immature distractions."

Whatever.

The week passed by quickly, since we had no homework besides studying (which Sirius and I had vowed never to do – Peter kind of had to, because he was the one Marauder Remus was able to bully into studying), but when the time came even nearer for the exams, Remus nearly lost his mind with worry. I was irresistibly reminded of Lily at that point; they were too alike for their own good. I told him that, but Remus just went on with what he was doing, which meant I had to go on to my Lily-techniques; assuring him that it was going to be fine, relax, breathe. However, unlike with Lily, Remus didn't listen to me – he paid no heed to my constant flow of encouragement, which got me kind of exasperated. So what did I do? I called in Sirius, who seemed to be the only one Remus listens to.

Sirius, upon seeing Remus's messy state, leaped forward, and promptly threw the books Remus was looking at in the fire.

Remus nearly died.

"I was using those!" he protested violently, trying his hardest to resurrect his precious book. "Now I can't!"

"Good, so now you can join us at midnight in a couple of days when we finish the Marauder's Map," he said enthusiastically. "You know you want to, Moony."

"Do you have any idea what you just did? It's _bad_," Remus fretted.

Peter rolled his eyes, uncomprehending Remus's anxiety. "How is it bad? Sirius is right – you can come with us and make all those obsessive corrections we know you're going to want to make."

"Sirius is a bloody idiot," Remus exploded.

"I am not," Sirius protested, highly offended.

"Oh yes, of course you're not," Remus said acidly. "What was I thinking? Hit me for even _considering_ that the great Sirius Black is a bloody idiot."

"Sure thing, mate," Sirius said, still grinning as he smacked Remus's arm.

This did not go down well; Remus swore and stepped on Sirius's foot – I swear, Remus is always close to a meltdown around exam time. "Sarcasm, Sirius!" he snapped irritably. "Your taking me literally just proved my point! You're an idiot! I didn't want you to hit me!"

"Well, couldn't you have said that then?" Sirius asked, fairly ruffled.

Looking as though he'd happily throttle Sirius, Remus just grimaced and turned back to me. "I'd prefer it if we didn't finish it that night."

"Come on," Sirius wheedled, leaping back to the conversation even when he shouldn't. "We wouldn't be able to finish it ever if you had your way – you're always _studying_, or _resting_, or doing something _related_ to those two things. Can't we just get it done on the first, the day before we're exam prisoners? It's killing me that we can't do it yet – I actually did work for it!"

"Fine," Remus said reluctantly. "Fine, fine, fine. I'll just grunt my approval from over my books, if that makes you happy, Sirius."

"It does, especially because now I know to confiscate all your books beforehand," Sirius confirmed lightly, embracing Remus in his usual dog-like way. "Thanks Moony."

Remus rolled his eyes, but it was obvious that he liked making Sirius happy, despite his gracelessness in accepting requests. Peter, who had been quiet until then, suddenly asked, "So we're seriously going to finish the map in a few days?"

"Yes," Sirius confirmed, looking thrilled. "Finally!"

I smiled slightly. "So what's today's date? How much time do we have until the history-making day?"

"Today is the twenty-ninth of May," Remus said promptly. "That gives us two and a half days."

"Sounds like fun," Peter said gleefully. "Sirius and I did an awesome job on the drawing – you guys will love it."

"You mean, _Sirius_ did an awesome job on the drawing," Sirius corrected. "I did most of it."

"Yes, but I made sure you did it right," Peter said, determined to take some credit. "So that means I helped."

"True," Sirius agreed after a moment's consideration. "_We_ did an awesome job. Go us."

Peter laughed, as did Sirius and I, while Remus just waited for us to finish with a certain aggravation evident in his silence. However, when the night of June first began to fall, which was two nights ago, Remus was admittedly excited about finishing the map – he told us so as we got all the materials out and prepared the common room for the momentous occasion.

"So this is how those American founding fathers felt when they first made history," he said, helping Peter light a few candles with his wand to set the mood.

"We're the Marauders," Sirius said. "We're better than American founding fathers any day."

Remus chose to disregard the remark, but snatched the drawing of the Map from Sirius's hand to put in the middle. Sirius contented himself by making a few faces Remus couldn't see behind his back, which made Peter laugh, but I tried to shush them as I took out our list of spells. "Ready, Sirius?" I asked him.

"Have been for a long time," was the reply that I got as Sirius read over his list once more. "I want to do the spell that insults intruders first."

"Of course," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "But we can't – I'd say we start with the ones that make the moving dots. James, you had that one, didn't you?"

"Yeah," I said. "Here." I cleared my throat, waved my wand, and said, "Semita nocens ones." Roughly thirty seconds later, ink dots appeared on the map – more and more came up by the millisecond, just like the book had promised, but none of them moved. Perfect. I cleared my throat once more and said, "Planto is permoveo." We waited tentatively for about a minute, and slowly, each dot began to go to its corresponding spot. Remus and Peter clapped for me, while Sirius whistled and began to obsessively find specific people, marveling at the spell. I grinned; excellent.

"Yes, Prongs!" Sirius high-fived me and sighed at the map. "This thing is my pride and joy, guys. I'm never going to love any material object as much as I love this map."

Peter grinned. "I know! So James, what else have you got in there?"

I scanned the list again. "How about that security spell Remus found? You know, the one that requires a phrase to get all this stuff on and then another phrase to clean it off?"

"Sure," Sirius said. "Go ahead."

"I would, but first, we need the first phrase – the one to activate the map," I said. "We're supposed to make it up; any ideas?"

"Open sesame!" Sirius said, cackling at his joke.

"Stop it," Remus reprimanded. "Think."

"Marauder's Map?" I asked.

"Too easy," Sirius said. "How about 'girls are the reason we live?'"

"No," Remus said sharply.

"Sorry, sorry," Sirius apologized with a roll of his eyes. "What do _you_ suggest then, Mr. Perfect Moony?"

"I don't know," Remus admitted.

"Exactly," Sirius said. "Hmmm…mainly, what are we going to use this map for? Think of a good phrase, you guys."

"Erm…I'm up to no good?" Peter suggested lamely.

"That sounds weird," Sirius criticized. "We have to make it sound…smarter. Remus, help."

Remus sighed. "How 'smart' do you want it to sound, Padfoot?"

"Not _too_ smart," I said, taking over the question. "Just smart enough to make it sound funny."

"Though that makes little sense when phrased like that, I think I know what you mean," Remus said. "How about…I'm about to indulge in delinquent's behavior?"

"No," Sirius said. "I don't want to do that."

"Ooh!" Peter said ecstatically. "How about 'I swear I'm going to indulge in delinquent's behavior?'"

"I kind of like it," I said. "How about…I swear I'm not going to do anything good? Simple, but it has a ring to it."

"Not really," Remus said.

"Then _you_ come up with something," Sirius said. "You hate mine, you hate James's, and you hate Peter's…now we need an idea of yours to shoot down."

"Okay, fine," Remus said curtly, making a face. "How about, erm, 'I solemnly swear I'm up to no good?' That combines a little bit of all of our ideas."

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good…" Sirius repeats contemplatively. "I like it. I definitely like it."

"I like it," Peter adds in.

"I do too," I said earnestly. "Let's do it!"

Sirius high-fived Remus. "Good one," he complimented him.

"Thank you," Remus said, blushing slightly.

I grinned at them, and said, "Securus I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." I waved my wand and tapped the surface of the map. It resonated heat for a few seconds, glowing as the charm took place, and then it lay quietly; we assumed it was right.

"How do we clear it?" I posed the last question to the other three.

"Mischief managed?" Peter said. "I don't know."

"Hey, that's good!" Sirius thumped Peter on the back. "Brilliant, Peter – you're on a roll tonight! Prongs, do it."

"Good one, Pete," I said warmly. It was Peter's turn to beam as I tapped the map once more and said, "Videlicet mischief managed."

Again, the map glowed, but it came down quicker this time, leaving just a blank sheet of parchment – all of our drawings were gone. Sirius grabbed the map from the middle, put his wand on the map, and said, "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good."

Immediately, the pictures that Sirius and Peter had painstakingly drawn began to form, as though they were redrawing it faster. The dots and everything were exactly as they had been; I'd actually done it right. Trying not to explode with joy, Sirius tapped the map again and said, "Mischief managed."

Ten seconds later, the map was clean once more.

Unable to control himself, Sirius hugged the map to his chest. "I love this thing," he breathed.

"Let me see it; we're not done," Remus said, taking the map gingerly back from Sirius. "I looked up a Preservation Charm as well, so that this never fades over time – it'll always look the way it does tonight."

Chills went up my spine when he said that; somehow, it just sounded so promising and so legendary to know that our beautiful work was going to be preserved for as long as the map didn't go missing. There was something awe-inspiring about a truth like that. Judging from Peter and Sirius's expressions, they felt the same way I did to a certain degree as Remus said the charm and gave it back to me. I stroked it once before saying, "All right, and the last thing I want to do is perform that charm so that it insults people."

Sirius grinned, looking particularly evil in the candlelight. "How does it work?"

"We can make it insult only one person," I said. "I was kind of annoyed, because it won't insult just anyone – it has to be the specific person – so we have to choose carefully. Who should it insult?"

"Snivelly," Sirius said at once. "All in favor?"

"Fine," Remus said grudgingly.

"Yes," Peter agreed.

"Of course," I said. "What shall we make it say? Should we insult him using our Marauder names?"

Sirius took the map back. "Yes, that's what we're going to do. Remus, you can go first; what's the nastiest thing you can say politely?"

"Bit of an oxymoron there," Remus said indifferently. "But hmmmm…how about, 'Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Severus Snape and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business'?"

"Brilliant," Sirius said, roaring with laughter as he ignored the oxymoron slight. "Prongs?"

I mulled it over, and added, "Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to add that Severus Snape is an ugly git."

Sirius chortled and said, "Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever came into human lives. Pete?"

"Mr. Wormtail," Peter said slowly, thinking on the spot. "Bids Severus Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slime-ball."

Nothing could have made Sirius happier as he shoved the map at me to perform the charm. I laughed as I did it; I knew that was going to be my favorite part of making the map. "Okay," I said once it was done. "If anyone with the name Severus or Snape says their name while trying to open the map, it'll adapt. It's a smart map and a smart charm."

"Brilliant," Sirius repeated gleefully. "Are we done then? Can we put it away and use it once exams are over?"

"Yes," I said, touching the map affectionately. "This is going to be a famous document one day, boys; we're going to be legends for creating it. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs – the cleverest of Hogwarts students, makers of the Marauder's Map."

"I know," Peter said, stroking it as well. "Can you believe we actually finished it?"

"No, I can't," Sirius said, looking lovingly at it. "But at the same time, I can; we're Marauders, so we can do anything and everything."

"Hang on." I got up and went to the back cupboard, where there were five bottles of butterbeer stashed from a few nights back. I took four of them out and passed three of them around. "Let's have a drink to commemorate the night we made the Map."

"Perfect," Sirius said, smiling. "To the Marauders and the Marauder's Map." He held his bottle up in the middle.

"To the Marauders and the Marauder's Map," Remus, Peter, and I said simultaneously. We clinked bottles and took a hearty sip of butterbeer, nearly finishing the entire bottle in the one gulp. We looked around at each other, proud of ourselves – the Map was finished!

Remus opted to throw away our bottles while Sirius and I took the map to the dormitory with Peter. Peter said we should put it in Sirius's bedside drawer, since no one dared to go in there, until we wanted to use it, and the motion passed; into that drawer it went. When Remus came upstairs to us, we hurriedly changed into night clothes so that we could go to sleep – Remus was exhausted and wanted all of us to sleep so that we could "make use of our last study day before the exams" (as though Sirius and I would!), and it was best to just listen. I got into my bed, and the rest of the Marauders got into theirs, and we fell asleep to the victorious thoughts of making the Map and thinking about what we were going to do with it.

It was definitely a fun matter to ponder.

I would have pondered it for much longer than I had, but I couldn't; Remus woke me up at about four in the morning, trying to get me to study. I waved him off, of course, but I couldn't make myself go back to sleep, so I just decided to write. In a weird way, Remus was right – this diary has kind of become my friend, even though I wouldn't have liked it to happen that way, and I like writing in it. It's not like I'm going to tell other people about it, but it has helped, kind of. What's more, if people find this in the future, along with the Marauder's Map, they'll get to know a bit more about the four bad-ass Marauders that created it, which is, of course a good thing. This diary could become its own legend – a fifteen/sixteen year old Hogwarts boy's Marauder adventures, all in one convenient little book. That would be cool; to have people read my diary one day and talk about the things I did and felt. Some might find that mortifying, but I'd like it…so long as I'm long gone when it happens, so that I don't have to answer to anybody.

**Lily**

June 3rd

Dear Diary,

It's been an extremely long time since I've written.

I know, I know, I've tried to be regular about writing in here, but my lack of news lately is because of…well…everything, really. Having a boyfriend and important exams to balance out at the same time is no easy feat, so I haven't gotten too much time to write. However, I do have time right now, since it's early morning and I've already obsessively studied for a few hours now, so I figured it's time to write down about what's been going on in my crazy life lately.

Mostly, it's been a lot of James – I can't bear having him away from me, pathetic as it is, and he's not exactly one to push me aside and request some space. I've been living in his pocket, and he's been living in mine; but, on our defense, we've been a lot better lately – now that we've gotten used to the idea that we can actually be together, which was an overwhelmingly wonderful thought at first and still is, it's easier to be apart. Leila is pleased that I don't have to ignore her all the time, and has been claiming that my new approach to life is much healthier.

"You finally let someone in, Lily!" she had said to me a couple of days back when I had expressed my recent enjoyment for Hogwarts.

"Who knew that could make all the difference?" I had asked her. It was a fair question – I had never, ever thought that just letting someone get to know me would change the way I look at everything. It's amazing, this new world of emotion that I've discovered around James. It's like nothing I could have ever imagined; I'd always seen couples cuddling or kissing or doing related activities together all the time, and I'd been cynical. Now though, I know exactly what makes those things enjoyable, and though I can't put it into intelligible words, I know that I never really _lived_ before I got out of the tiny bubble my life used to be.

Sometimes, just for fun, I look back at my oldest diary entries and reflect on how much I've changed. I used to be so _negative_; how could I have thought such things? My opinion on my own worth was pretty low, but now, I almost feel arrogant; I can't be blamed though, because it's James's fault – he knows exactly what to do and say to make me feel wanted, needed, and loved. I almost feel like I've becoming a new person, completely different from who I used to be; I'm relearning how to live my life, and now that I'm out of the shell I used to be in, I wonder why I ever made myself stay there.

One thing that hasn't changed, however, and that's the way I study. Despite James and Leila groaning loudly every time I open a book, I have been obsessively studying for my O. W. L. exams and refusing to hear a word otherwise. Every night, without fail, I go through more and more of my old notes. I've finally run out of practice tests (James very nearly threw me a party when he found out), but I have been getting a few more from my teachers. I did get annoyed with Flitwick though – a week back, he turned down my request for practices by insisting I wouldn't need them, and that he was saving them for people who really did need them. Leila had found that extremely funny, but I hadn't. I was constantly reminded of the incident whenever I started studying.

So, moving on to more recent events, today is Monday – it's about six thirty in the morning at the moment. I have been studying since five AM today, just looking over things and practicing incantations/wand movements. Why did I do that? No, it's not because I'm crazy; it's because today is the first day for the exams – I have Transfiguration and Charms, both the written and the interactive portions. I'm scared to death; I've studied everything I have, but it still might not be enough. I expressed this matter to James last night in the common room late at night, while I was studying and he was waiting for me to finish up, and he laughed out loud at me.

"Lily, you're insane," he said. "You're reading for these exams – you know you are."

"But what if I'm not?" I fretted. "What if I blank and I can't remember anything tomorrow?"

"You won't," he soothed me. "Trust me."

That was something I could do without much difficulty – I took a few deep breaths and said, "Okay, I won't. But I still need to study."

James exhaled irately and took my notes away from me. "Don't be fussy, Lily; it's not that big of a deal."

"O. W. L. exams are the biggest deals in the world!" I hollered at him. "How can you doubt that?"

He sighed. "Let me rephrase that; _studying_ isn't the biggest deal in the world. You're ready and you know it. All you need to do to prepare right now is relax, breathe, and get a good night's sleep."

"I'm not tired," I told him. "I don't want to sleep – I want to study."

James shook his head sadly. "I think you got some kind of mutation in your genes, Lily; this isn't normal."

I chose to ignore that comment and pouted at him. He smiled a little more patiently at me and said, "C'mere, study-holic." He pulled my arm and situated me so that I was lying on top of him on the sofa and stroked my hair. "Aren't you sleepy at all?"

"Maybe," I said, enjoying the feel of his arms on my back. "But maybe not."

"I think you are." He laid my head on his shoulder and began to rubbing my shoulders, knowing I'm the most susceptible when he does that. "Go to sleep, little flower."

"What about you?" I asked him.

"Don't worry about me," he said nonchalantly. "Sleep – you need it."

"I do worry about you," I protested. "I love you."

He smiled once more. "Just sleep and I'll know you do."

I doubted I could possibly fall asleep on top of James Potter, but I found that to be untrue – my eyelids drooped much faster than they normally did on other, much harder study nights. Before I knew it, I was too exhausted to even think about where I was, and I slowly found myself slipping into those blackened regions of much-needed sleep.

I woke up this morning confused – I had no idea where I was. I felt like I was on a moving mattress with something warmer than a blanket on my back, and I knew that couldn't be right. I managed to open my eyes bigger, marveling at how dreamless and serene the last night had been – lately, I'd been plagued with dreams of failing my exams and I would wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat. Then I look down, and find that my 'moving mattress' was James; everything from the last night came back to me, and I realized that I had fallen asleep on top of James, and he, being too polite to dump me on the sofa and go to bed, had stayed with me. I felt so bad for depriving him of a proper place to sleep, but at the same time, I liked that he'd stayed – I liked sleeping next to (or, really, on top of) him and I'd never slept better.

I carefully took myself off of him, trying not to wake him, and watched him sleep for a few minutes. He was even more beautiful when he was asleep – his long, nearly feminine eyelashes were allowed to fan out a little more, his face was relaxed and childlike, and his hair was even messier than it normally should be. I stroked his back like he had done to me the previous night, and his muscles loosened even more. He was so susceptible; it was times like these that reminded me just why I loved that boy so much. I turned him over and kissed his cheek before going back to my books.

Immediately, I was lost in my own little world again, and I almost forgot all about James, lying on the sofa, knocked out completely. Last minute checks, a few quick run-throughs of wand movements I had trouble remember – all that fun stuff that I love looking over just before testing time. It's just so much to remember; I don't know how I'm going to do it. James is a huge help in the emotional department, no doubt about it, but when it comes to the studying department – he's hopeless. He never did like studying, so he doesn't know much about encouraging me, and now he claims to be allergic to it after watching me work. I want to hit him whenever I hear him say that, but I don't – that wouldn't be good at all. He's always patient with me, so why can't I be patient when it comes to teaching him the value of studying? I mused on these matters this morning instead of looking at notes for a little while; James was so _intriguing _to me, even now, and that kept me from what I was supposed to be doing.

Now, of course, I'm done with looking over my books, and I've been staring at James for the past few minutes in between writing paragraphs and thinking about what to say. I wish I had my camera – he's so cute when he sleeps. He looks like a little kid, and I adore it. Is it unacceptable to kiss someone when they're sleeping? I think it is, but if it isn't, I would. I sound like an obsessive stalker, which I suppose I can be sometimes, but really – you'd just have to look at him to understand where I'm coming from.

I think he's waking up though; I see him stirring. He's got the imprint of the sofa on the entire left side of his face – it's so funny. I'll tell him that when he's fully awake. His eyes are so large and lovely right now, when they're still vulnerable from his slumber. He's smiling at me now, watching me write all of this down. He finds it amusing that he gets to observe me as I'm writing in the diary he stole a few weeks back, I can tell. He won't say it, because he knows something inside me still half-heartedly disapproves of what he did, but I'm not stupid – I can see that he's thinking it. He's such a wonderful moron; I love him more for his imperfections than for his strengths, although I find it ironic that those same imperfections were the reasons I hated him to start with. Ah, well; life's weird, and I don't bother to ask why anymore.

I'd better end this right here – James is teasing me and saying he'll read what I just wrote when I next fall asleep studying. I need to chuck something at him where it hurts. Excuse me.

_A/N: Okay, well, this chapter was different because James's was first, and written a day before Lily's was; it was also different because James's entry was about double the length of Lily's. xD But that's okay; Lily usually has the more dominant entries anyway. There might have been tiny little date errors in there though, so in case you spotted any, I'm sorry that they are there, but I edited this over so many times that I lost track of some things. It happens. I'm also sorry (again) for the long wait, but I hope you enjoyed that chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it; thanks for waiting, and don't forget to review! I won't take so much time on the next chapter, I swear it. :P_

_Extra note: The insults were, obviously, slightly edited from the ones used in The Prisoner of Azkaban. :) I wanted to be as politically correct as possible. Don't kill me – I know those were directly J. K. Rowling's, not mine, so I'm just telling you that now._


	47. Making Memories

_A/N: You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many different times I wrote this chapter trying to find the right feel, so I'm just not going to tell you. :) Anyway, I'm not quite sure why I even decided to include this chapter; it's kind of weird, and I'm self-conscious about posting it since it includes material I never really thought I'd ever try to write, but I decided to anyway, because I trust you all to not make me feel bad about including it. :) It's almost like more characterization for what happens when things actually go right, portrayed with fluff, which of course, never hurts anyone. :) So, that being said, just be a little gentler when you review (not if – __when__ you review!) and try your best to enjoy!_

_Music to listen to: Home & More Than This (both Vanessa Carlton), Extraordinary (Mandy Moore)_

**Lily**

June 9th

Dear Diary,

Finally, the exams are over.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, and I can just float up into the sky with nothing holding back to the earth. There's no more studying to do at night, no more worrying about real class-work anymore – the teachers are as relieved as the students are, since everything's done and they no longer have to worry. That means we get a few days of doing anything we want, which is a welcome break for me; I can be with Leila and James without having the looming shadow of studying hanging over me. Leila usually tells me that it was me who put the shadow on over myself, and that I could have lifted it whenever I wanted, but I think she's wrong; it was important to do what I did. I mean, I finished every exam with plenty of time to spare because I'd drilled all the knowledge into my head constantly for months; I think that it was a fair exchange. I probably did all right on those tests as well, which is even better – I almost never think that way.

Leila, on the other hand, did not dedicate time to studying; therefore, I was condemned to listening to her moan about how hard it all was.

"I didn't know _any_ of that Potions one, Lil," she told me after the second day. "I really didn't. I think I got a D."

"You didn't," I said soothingly. "I know you did fine, Leils."

"I didn't," she said, her voice hollow. "My mum is going to kill me. You won't see me next year if I got anything lower than an Acceptable on everything."

I smirked. "No, you'll be okay. If not, I'll talk to your mum about it."

"Like that'll help," Leila moaned. "When you get your straight-O results, it'll make my mum even angrier that I can't follow in your footsteps."

I shake my head and put my arm around her shoulders. "You'll do fine. I promise."

She didn't believe me, of course, being Leila, but we left the conversation at that – we moved on to Leila's request to go outside and laze around by the lake, something we enjoy doing on days off. I happily went with her, and consequently fell asleep under our favorite beech tree; I honestly spend half of my time sleeping these days. It's such a blissful release for my body – it's been rebelling against all that I've been putting it through lately, and now that it's snatched up a break, I can't make myself do much besides sleep or do low-energy activities. Ah, well; in a few weeks, I'll be normal again – or as close to normal as I can be, anyway.

However, until then, I sleep and do little else.

James walks in on me sleeping in the common room quite often, unfortunately; he's so amused by the fact that I'm so tired – too amused. He'll wake me up gently, but I'll just cuddle back up and shut my eyes once more. I did that yesterday, and James rolled his eyes at me, completely aggravated.

"Lily, first all you did was study, and now all you do is sleep," he complained. "Will you please find something more interesting to do?"

I yawned and asked, "Like what?"

"Like…" he considered for a moment, but said, "Like getting up and talking to me."

"Fine." I sat up with a second yawn and said, "Talk."

James rolled his eyes. "Funny, Lil. Seriously – what's on your mind right now?"

"How tired I am."

He shook his head. "You've slept plenty."

"I'm catching up on months of sleep, James," I said. "I think I deserve some time off."

He didn't buy that; I was dragged off with him to see Remus and Sirius, who were outside, arguing about whether or not Remus should read for fun so soon after so many exams. I swear, those two argue more than Petunia and I ever did – I've wondered on more than one occasion how the hell they can even be friends with that much tension between them. I asked James about it, and he was as clueless to the reasoning behind it as I was, which made me feel a bit better. Either way, we amused ourselves for a little while by trying to convince them that opposing the other so loudly outside when there were so many people present was a bad idea, but they didn't listen – then Sirius got angry, gave up, and joined us for the rest of the day. James didn't mind it, but I did; Sirius's sense of humor was so strange that I couldn't keep track of it. The casual way with which he referred to sex and girls offended me as well, but James assured me that it was nothing new, which provided no comfort whatsoever. Sirius told me to suck it up, which I had to do after all, since the jokes and the comments kept coming out full flow.

Once most of the day had been wasted in random conversation with Sirius – who is a much more complex person than I would have predicted, a fact that I'm not sure to be awed by or confused by – and twilight began to fade into the beginnings of darkness, Sirius got up and said, "I'm going upstairs to crash a bit early; I think Kyleigh's waiting for me. Are you coming?"

I was about to say yes, but James beat me to answering. "Nah, we'll stay out a bit longer," he said. "See you later, Pads."

Sirius shrugged and walked back inside, and I was left with James by the lake. I looked curiously at him, befuddled by his decision to stay outside. "Why do you want to be out here so late?" I wanted to know.

"It's nice out," James explained. "I want to be out here. If you don't, that's fine – you can go in."

He knew perfectly well that I would only want to be somewhere where he was too, so it was pointless to say something like that, but I merely said, "All right, then. We'll be out here."

He smiled. "I thought you'd say something like that." With a small smirk, he puts his hands on my waist and pulls me in towards him. I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck and sat in his lap, and he said, "I love you, Lily Evans."

I snuggled into him, my head on his shoulder, and responded, "I love you too. Way too much, really."

"We share that in common." He played with a strand of my hair yet again as he said that. "It's kind of unhealthy for me to care so much about you. We're only sixteen."

"I know that feeling," I said, something wistful in my voice somehow. "But at the same time, I like being with you this young. I'll have more time with you that way."

"Yeah, you're right." He swooped down and kissed me. "I like thinking about that – just you and me for years and years, growing old together…unless, of course, we decide to raise a family."

"I'd want a son and a daughter," I said. "A family of four; the Potters." I grinned at the thought.

"What would you name them?" James asked me.

"If I got a boy, I would want his name to be Harry," I told him. "It means 'army ruler,' and I would want my kid to be tough; I'd want him to be the leader I always wished I was."

"I like that," he said. "But if it was a girl, I'd want her name to be Jasmine."

"Why Jasmine?" I inquired.

"My wife's name would be Lily, so why couldn't my daughter's name be Jasmine?" He chuckled. "I have a thing for red-haired girls named after plants."

I smacked his arm, but rested my cheek on his collarbone, letting its heat of his skin seep beneath my own and warm my very soul. "You're absurd."

"Maybe." He curled up a little more by the tree, his arms still protectively holding me in. "But that's just how it is, my flower."

I sighed as I looked out to the sky; it was moony tonight, I suddenly realized, and the sky was growing to be a satiny, sapphire blue – my favorite. A few early stars twinkled overhead like wise, luminous witnesses to our night outside. The mood was perfect, and when I looked into James's eyes, I knew he was thinking the same thing. He smiled and whispered in my ear, "Glad I made you stay out here?"

"Of course." I smiled back at him and said softly, "I love you." Generally speaking, I tell him that every single day several times an hour, but I still love the tingle on my lips when those words fall easily out of my mouth. They just feel so _right_. I'm not always sure about whatever I'm doing in life, but I've learned now that James Potter will forever be the right person to share my mistakes with. As Leila has said to me like a broken record for years – it's just a fact of life.

James, of course, smiled when he heard the familiar phrase and kissed me softly, obviously trying to relish the moment. However, he failed miserably; he deepened the kiss immediately, unable to slow down as usual – he was only ever going to be happy when he was speeding hysterically through whatever he was doing. Maybe that was what I loved about him – his recklessness, his carelessness, his inability to care about the consequences for his actions. It was all so cute in a very…harmful sort of way.

Well, it was all adorable and gorgeous until I felt a hand on the small of my back. James knew I hated it when his hand sat there too long. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't; he was kissing me harder than usual tonight. It was almost urgent, as though he seriously _needed_ it or something, and I felt myself caught up in it, my body nearly tangled up in his. It had only been a couple of minutes, but already, I felt like I couldn't handle it – he was too intense, too passionate, too deep inside of me. It was terrifying, but strangely, throughout all of my usual worries, I couldn't get enough. I couldn't make myself let go. Was that right? Was that normal? Was I doing something wrong? It felt like I was, but in some almost disturbing ways, it still felt right. Though I hadn't felt it in a while, the Familiar in me was screaming at me stop right there while the Mystery was screaming just as loudly to keep the hell going. In some discreet part of my brain, I knew exactly what was going on, but I was choosing to ignore it. That is, I _was_, until I felt that hand of his start to go up inside my shirt and up my back, around my sides, trying to reach my breasts. I felt a jerk just behind my navel that told me that something was about to happen, something I wasn't ready for, and I forced myself to break off the kiss, panting, oddly enough.

"What are you doing?" I asked him breathlessly, my wide, frightened eyes looking into his sparkling, practically ravenous ones.

He pulled me in even closer to his chest and whispered two words into my ear – "Will you?"

I took in a sharp intake of breath; was he really asking me what I thought he was asking me? He was still looking at me, waiting for my answer, and I gave it shakily; "You…want to?"

He didn't say anything – instead, he kissed me again, hard and imperative, and started to pull my shirt off of my body. I was too shell-shocked to resist, and I realized half-consciously that I was sitting in his lap with only my bra covering my top half. He was nipping at my mouth, and his hands were lingering on the curve of my bare waist, caressing me; but, after a few moments, he stopped doing that very briefly to remove his own shirt. I was about to protest about what we were doing, but I was struck dumb by the sight of his chest in the moonlight. Once more, I was speechless, but he didn't let me pause – he merely captured my mouth again. I didn't let him this time, however; I pulled away, gulping for air rather unsteadily, and tried to find the right words.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

"This," I said honestly before I could stop myself. "I'm not ready for this." To prove my point, I took my shirt and attempted to pull it back over my head, but he put his hand on me, gently letting the cloth fall back to the grass. Nothing was left to hide the confusion in my expression – it was just me, exposed for everything I was feeling.

"You're not?" He was confused, and he had a right to be – I let him take off my shirt, and then told him I didn't want him to only when the deed was done.

"No," I said. "Not yet." I took a breath, bit my lip, and went on, "Not until I'm married. Not this fast. Not as suddenly as this was. Not when I'm only sixteen."

When I found just enough courage to look him in the eye, he wasn't upset – only trying to understand what I was trying to say. I flailed my arms a little and almost wailed, "If my mum found out, she'd kill me!"

James half-laughed, but his eyes and tone were serious as he said, "So, essentially, you're upset about what your parents would say and you think we're far too young. You're right on both counts, actually."

My breathing was a little steadier as I relaxed in his arms and said, "I love you, but I'm not ready. I've heard all the horror stories and have been lectured at for years that I shouldn't even think about doing this until I'm married, and my mum would literally die if she found out that I lost my virginity to someone she doesn't know at school when I'm sixteen years old."

"Okay," he said, smiling slightly. "Not tonight then. I won't impose something like sex on you. I'm not Sirius."

We were silent after this remark, but suddenly giggled at the same time. "Thank you," I said, smiling freely at him rather than keeping it shy like I normally would have. "But I do promise that when my mum knows who you are and when we are older, you shall be my first."

"While I like that promise, you don't need to make it," he said easily. "It might happen later, but it should happen because we want it, not because you promised."

I sighed, though with emotions I couldn't really put my finger on, and kissed him again. He held me in a sort of a hug, but didn't object, and I think it was enough for both of us – kissing under the moonlight, while being cliché, was always so incredibly romantic. Even though neither of us had a shirt on, I was (somehow) comfortable, but better, I was happy; it was a blissful happiness, one that only came after something happened. Maybe it wasn't earth-shattering, but it was, at least eventful – though nothing _happened_, I still felt as though I was closer to him than before, simply because I knew that he still respected what I thought rather than flying away with his power over me.

After a while, I was putting my shirt back on, but James stopped me again. I was about to inquire as to why I wasn't allowed to, but he proposed a lighter and much less dangerous plan; "Would you like a swim?"

I was about to say no, that wasn't at all proper, but then I changed my mind and said, "Yes, I would." He grinned, took my hand, and then threw me piggy-back style onto his back; I squealed as he ran us both over to the lake, which he jumped right into with me still hanging on. The water was a bit chilly, but I stayed close to James, who was more than warm enough for me. He, however, had other plans – he splashed me and then swam away as I sputtered and spit water out, laughing his head off. This, of course, infuriated me, so I splashed him back. Still laughing, he tried to return the water to me, but I'm a pretty good splasher – I didn't let him. I splashed him until he had water up his nose and couldn't breathe right, at which point I waded to him and tried to help him get it out. He didn't splash me again, thankfully, but he did give me a few reproachful looks. I told him he deserved it, to which he disagreed and had a second water fight, but we both knew he did deserve it anyway. When we, at last, saw fit to get out of the lake, sopping wet and ready for a quick shower and bed, we were guffawing about how hideous we both looked with seaweed and assorted lake crap in our hair; it was a productive time we spent outside in the middle of the night.

I'm in my dormitory now, clean and changed, writing about what we did. It's still almost surreal to me; I can't believe how close I got to having sex with James Potter, of all people, tonight. Though I love him to death, sex wasn't something I'd thought about, though Sirius had been discussing it quite a lot during the afternoon. In truth, it's failed to mean much to me for that very reason, until James nearly did it with me; it was always for Sirius, who thrived in it, rather than for me. It was still a mysterious, elusive sort of an idea, something for married people or simply perverse people like Black, and I didn't feel right just going into it out honestly thinking about it first. When James asked me, I wasn't ready for it. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm finding that I'm still not ready for it. Unlike Sirius, I find that, though it's a shadowy realm for me at this point, I want it to mean something later. I don't want to just devour the chocolate – I want to think about it, enjoy it, and remember it as that sweet First Time rather than know it as something I did one night because I wanted to try it. Like I told James, he'll be my first – I know it, I just do – but it won't be when I'm sixteen and supposedly too stupid to make the decision.

It's really late now though, actually, and I must be going – I have to sleep, because I'm tired and still in a certain amount of wonderment. Tomorrow will mark only five days until I go home for the summer holidays (!!!), so there will be an insane amount of packing, screaming, and exchanging addresses going on – I'm going to be rather busy wrapping up the year. If anything, I'll be writing on the train as I go home; so let's just hope no other insane thing worth writing about will be happening during that time.

**James**

June 9th

Dear Diary,

Blimey, I'm tired. And rather confused, now that I think on it. It's been a long time since I've felt like this, but I'm feeling it, and I don't know what to make of it. So what did I do? Pulled out this damn diary, of course. Maybe it'll help though; it's helped in the past, and I think it might now too.

It all started in the morning, really; I woke up exceptionally early today for no real reason to find Sirius and Kyleigh curled up in Sirius's bed together, fast asleep. It's not exactly uncommon to find them like that, but I still never like to see it – I find it sick, how much Sirius likes to have her around and how much she lets herself be pulled around. Didn't she ever get tired of him? Didn't _he_ ever get tired of _her_? It was past ridiculous how much time they spent in each other's company, but what could I do? Sirius had some extreme interest in her that I will never be able to fathom, and it was beyond me to try to investigate what it was. I got out of bed contemplating anyway though, until Sirius woke up, shooed Kyleigh out, and approached me.

"Hey Prongs," he said with a yawn, getting out his toothbrush. "Why are you up so early?"

"I think I could ask you the same question," I countered.

"I always wake up around now – Kyleigh doesn't like people knowing she sleeps here all the time," he said, unabashed. "Your turn to answer."

"Okay," I said. "But I don't really have a reason – my eyes just kind of opened by themselves just now."

"How boring," Sirius complained. "At least I had a reason worth sharing."

"Yes, I'm terribly sorry, Sirius," I said sarcastically. "What's so fun about being in bed with her every night, anyway? I think I agree with Remus here – it's a bit nauseating."

"Remus will probably never get married _or_ go to bed with a girl in his entire lifetime – why are you taking his side here?" Sirius demanded. "Listen, James, getting in bed with a girl is not as big of a deal as you think. It's actually pretty fun."

I rolled my eyes. "As delightful as I now think it is, I think I'll pass."

"Haven't you _ever_ wanted to do it with Lily?" Sirius asked deliberately. "Don't tell me you haven't; I _know_ you want to."

"Yes, I have," I admitted. "But I don't think we should do it right now. The concept must revolt her, after hearing you talk about it."

Sirius smirked, ignoring the slight on him, and said, "You should. Just kiss her a bit harder than usual and slip your hand into her shirt. If she wants you to go on, she won't stop you, but if she doesn't want it, she'll tell you at that point. You take off her shirt and her bra, let her take off your stuff too, and that's really all there is to it; the rest of it sort of _happens_."

"Thanks, I guess," I said moodily, reflecting on what he was saying. "Do you think she'll want to though? She still won't even let me take her to Hogsmeade."

"Yeah, she probably will," Sirius told me confidently. "I bet you she wants it just as bad as I know you do."

"Maybe," I compromised. "We'll see."

"Will you tell me if you do?"

I smiled at his interest. "Of course."

Sirius grinned and said, "Good. Now come eat breakfast with me."

I was quite hungry, so I accepted the invitation and went with him to the Great Hall. There, we saw Remus and Peter eating as well, so we sat down with them; I greeted them cheerfully while Sirius muttered a hello and dove into the sausage platter. Remus observed it with distaste.

"Can't you _pretend_ to be civilized? Even for one meal?" Remus pleaded.

"Nope," Sirius said brightly, resurfacing from his plate to give us a huge, meat-filled smile. "I'm starving."

"Yes, thank you for pointing out the obvious," Remus snapped back.

Sirius merely shrugged as he squirted ketchup all over the sausages, which made Peter laugh.

"Do you want any mustard?" He put the bottle forward temptingly, smirking slightly.

"Mustard makes everything better!" Like a joyous child, Sirius snatched up the mustard and poured most of the contents onto his breakfast. Remus, not at all amused, took the bottle and poured what little was left on the side of his plate with obvious distaste, trying to create what he thought was a dignified silence. Sirius, Peter, and I exchanged looks for a moment when we saw this before we burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Remus asked indignantly. "I didn't do anything!"

"The way you took the bottle…and then poured it on the side…and then tried to act as if it wasn't funny…" Sirius tried to regain his breath from all of his laughter, his cheeks completely red.

"Yes, because that makes all the sense in the world, right?" Remus was clearly not having a good day.

"Exams are over – why are you still acting like something's biting at your arse?" Sirius wanted to know.

"I'm tired."

"Why?" Peter inquired, mystified.

"Stress." Remus yawned. "It doesn't go away the moment the exams end, you know."

"Why not? You're done; you can sleep and not worry," Peter pointed out.

"Yeah, good point, Wormtail," Sirius said, getting back into the conversation. "Remus, you have no excuse whatsoever for snapping at me. Apologize."

Remus made a skeptical face, clearly not ready to do any such thing, so I intervened. "Look, I'm usually the kiddish one and you're usually the mature one here, Remus, so I don't know why we've switched roles, but can you tell us why you're so annoyed?"

"Oh I don't know," Remus said, sighing. "I'm sorry, Sirius. Really."

"Good enough for me," Sirius chirped, shoving another sausage into his mouth. "You're forgiven Remus," he added, his voice muffled as he chewed.

"Thank you." Remus sedately ate his own breakfast, seemingly normal once again.

Peter snorted. "That was weird."

"I know, but let's just keep that to ourselves," I advised.

"Sure." Peter thrust an entire toast into his mouth and set his jaws to work on it.

I watched all of this, highly entertained, and became even more so when Sirius, ketchup, mustard, and sausage dripping out of his open mouth, came forward and gave Remus a massive and unexpected hug.

"I love you, Remus," he drawled, taking care to let mustard dribble off of his lips to Remus's shoulder when he said this.

Remus's expression was utterly revolted as he daintily wiped the flecks of sauce from his robes and pushed his friend away. "Thank you, Sirius."

"Don't you love me too?" Sirius's dark eyes flashed with mischief as he made his eyelashes flutter and came back to his original position while Peter and I wheezed with laughter.

"If I say I do, will you stop trying to spill your breakfast on me?"

Sirius considered for a moment. "Okay."

"Then I love you too," Remus replied.

"Yay!" Sirius threw his arms around Remus one last time before scooting away and wiping his mouth off, chortling about his joke.

Remus preferred to just say nothing as he finished the last few things on his plate.

Peter was nearly in tears by that point. "The brown slop really brought out the highlights in your hair, Moony."

"Definitely – the mustard added a nice touch," I chimed in, hardly able to speak.

Remus rolled his eyes, but offered, "I'm going outside to read a book – care to join me?"

"Sure!" Sirius grinned and put his arm around Remus's shoulder. "I'm your favorite, right?"

"You know, I think I'm going to be fine by myself," Remus said, disentangling himself from Sirius's grasp. "I'll see you three later then."

"Fine, be that way," Sirius said, pretending to be mortally offended.

Remus ignored him completely.

"Bad luck, mate," Peter said sympathetically. "Want to go throw some Dungbombs at the Slytherin?"

"No, I want to annoy Moony," Sirius decided. "It's pretty fun; Pete, you want to join me?"

"Nah," Peter said. "I'll see you two later."

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To sleep," Peter said promptly.

"Why do _you_ need sleep? You and I didn't do a thing for the exams," Sirius said quite rightly.

"Yes, but its hard work, doing nothing," Peter said, as though it made perfect sense. "Like I said, see you two later." He waved and went upstairs, leaving me and Sirius alone at the table, looking bewilderedly at each other.

"Let's just go outside," Sirius said.

"Works for me," I said right after him. "I'm going to go grab Lily and be right there, okay?"

"Fine," Sirius said dramatically, drawing out the single syllable out for effect. "Just remember to come outside when you get her – you have a bad habit of disappearing every time you want to fetch her."

"Sorry," I said, smiling apologetically.

"Hurry," was the only response I got.

I stood up and bounded up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room, wondering what Lily was doing. I hadn't seen her all morning. I gained entry into the portrait hole, but when I stepped inside, the first thing I saw was a familiar red-head curled up on the couch, fast asleep. I grinned at the sight; ever since the exams ended, Lily does little besides eating and sleeping. Of course, I don't blame her for it – she hardly slept for months – but I want to be with her, not watch her sleep. I went to her, gently shaking her to get her awake, and I saw clear, wide emerald eyes peer tiredly at me.

"First all you did was study, and now all you do is sleep," I said. "Will you please find something more interesting to do?"

"Like what?" She yawned; it seemed that everyone I knew was yawning or something.

"Like…like getting up and talking to me," I said.

"Fine." Another yawn. "Talk."

I rolled my eyes, but was otherwise unable to express my exasperation. "Funny, Lil. Seriously – what's on your mind right now?"

Inevitably, she said, "How tired I am."

We argued about this a little more until I got bored and scooped her up in my arms and took her with me to see Remus and Sirius, as promised, and continued the conversation. Lily's used to this mode of transportation by now, so she didn't comment on it, but we talked until we found the other two Marauders by our favorite beech tree and sat down with them.

"Hey," I said comfortably, looking tentative all the same as I looked to my friends. "How are you two?"

"Lovely," Remus spat sarcastically, glaring at Sirius.

"We _are_ lovely right now," Sirius corrected for him. "Remus is just being a prat – it's nothing new."

Remus didn't like the sound of that. "I'm not a prat, Sirius – I just think that reading is a good idea."

"_Maybe_ on a normal day, but these are our days off – you should _not_ be reading," Sirius said. "Don't you agree, James? Lily?"

"I don't care," I said. "If he wants to, he can."

"I think it's fine," Lily said. "Since exams are done, it's easier to catch up on an unfinished novel."

Sirius threw his hands up in the air, frustrated by the lack of support from either of us, and said, "Fine! Read then, Remus!"

Lily laughed, even if somewhat nervously, and I joined her, but more confidently since I was more used to such arguments. That triggered off more remarks from Remus, and obviously, Sirius had plenty he wanted to say as well, so our afternoon was spent going back and forth with the two of them. After around an hour, Remus walked off, sticky from the heat and miffed from the things Sirius commented on at the top of his voice, and Sirius just stayed with Lily and I. I was a little uneasy about that, if I'm honest with myself, because I wasn't sure how Sirius would take it, but I had nothing to be worried about – Sirius had evidently decided to accept Lily (finally) and wanted to know more about her. I was overjoyed to see her cautiously navigate herself through a conversation that didn't involve (many) innuendos or insults with Sirius, and I even joined in on a few occasions. The afternoon was spent pleasantly, in that sense, and evening began to fall before we knew it.

"Blimey, I want to get upstairs and crash early – Kyleigh's probably waiting for me," Sirius said, checking his watch. "Want to come?"

"Nah, we'll stay out here a bit longer," I said. "See you later, Pads."

Sirius left us outside with a shrug, and Lily looked at me inquisitively. "Why do you want to be out here so late?" she asked me.

"It's nice out," I said. "I want to be here. If you don't, that's fine – you can go in." That was only half the truth though; actually, throughout the day, what Sirius had said to me in the morning about wanting to make love to Lily was still on my mind, and I couldn't deny it – I wanted to try. The beech tree was nice and shady, and also looked over the lake, so it was the ideal spot. I looked more closely at Lily as she thought about her answer.

"All right then," she said at last. "We'll be out here."

I smiled. "I thought you'd say something like that." If I was going to be out here, she would want to be too – I didn't force her to think that way, but she usually did. She smiled back at me and put her arms around my neck, sitting in my lap, and I said, "I love you, Lily Evans."

"I love you too," she said, cuddling in a little closer. "Way too much, really."

She was already in my arms, without me even trying to make her! Maybe Sirius was right; maybe she might want to be as close to me as I wanted to be close to her. "We share that in common," I said as a result. "It's kind of unhealthy for me to care so much about you. We're only sixteen."

"I know the feeling," Lily said, something strange in her tone as she spoke. "But at the same time, I like being with you this young. I'll have more time with you."

"Yeah, you're right." I kissed her, still addicted to her taste. I'd never be able to get used to that. "I like thinking about that – just you and me for years and years, growing old together…unless, of course, we decide to raise a family." A family with Lily Evans! Only in my wildest dreams had that been an option for me; now it seemed so much closer to a reachable reality.

"I'd want a son and a daughter," Lily proposed. "A family of four; the Potters." Judging from the look on her face, she liked the sound of that nearly as much as I did.

And, of course, this statement brought on a conversation about names – I insisted on naming our daughter a flower name, since my wife's (I can't wait for the day I can call Lily my wife, if the day ever comes) name was a flower name, and she found me absurd, using her word for it. But, as she began to take more notice of how gorgeous it had become out there while we had talked about baby names, she kind of settled down in my lap – I couldn't tell whether it was me or the weather that was causing that rarely seen peace behind her eyes.

"Glad I made you stay out here?" I asked softly, my voice just a bit louder than a whisper.

"Of course." Her smile was sweeter than honey as she said, "I love you."

I leaned back down to her, craving her again as I always did, but this time, I tried to keep the kiss soft, slow, easier to appreciate. I changed my mind halfway though; who was I trying to kid here? It was Lily who had the self-control – I was the one who couldn't handle being leisurely. It worked for both of us, however; she let me kiss her, and it was then that I seriously wanted to do it. Right then and there, on the grass by our favorite tree. I wanted to make love to Lily Evans, and the feeling was too strong to resist; that was a little frightening to me. I kept hearing Sirius's voice echoing in my head – he made it all sound so simple. '_Just kiss her a bit harder than usual and slip your hand into her shirt. If she wants you to go on, she won't stop you, but if she doesn't want it, she'll tell you at that point. You take off her shirt and her bra, let her take off your stuff too, and that's really all there is to it; the rest of it sort of _happens_.' _Was that all that there was to it? Was that all I really had to do? I wanted to know, and somehow, it was urgent for me to find out for myself rather than just take Sirius's word for it.

Worried out of my mind but determined nonetheless, I made my suddenly limp hand go up her shirt. I knew I was close to just stopping myself altogether, so I continued to kiss her, hoping that would make me do the deed. I knew that if I didn't do it now, I wouldn't ever be able to, and then I'd have to wonder what would have happened if I did; it was like jumping into a pool for the very first time, only infinitely more different. I was stopped at that point, though, by Lily looking up at me, her eyes expressing the concern I knew I was still reeling from, and asking me anxiously, "What are you doing?"

I pulled her into me, feeling her on me and inside of me, and whispered in her ear – "Will you?"

She took in a breath, but unevenly questioned, "You…want to?"

I wasn't sure how to take that, so I decided to test out Sirius's theory – if she didn't resist, she wanted it just as much as I did. I went straight ahead and started trying to slip her shirt off of her, strangely feeling like I was sinning or something, and before I knew it, I had managed to get the whole thing off of her. I took off my own shirt too, seeing as I was getting no resistance from the other side, and though I expected I would be, I wasn't at all embarrassed. I was in love, and hell, I wasn't going to be able to hide that any time soon. I tried to kiss her again, but it was _this_ time when Lily stopped me, as puzzled as I was.

"What's wrong?" I asked her genuinely.

"This," she burst out. "I'm not ready for this!" She scrambled for her shirt, seeming to only now realize she wasn't wearing it, but I didn't let her – I touched her hands and let the shirt fall to the ground. I had a feeling she was about to hide behind it, and I couldn't let her do that; I wanted to see _her_, not her concealing herself from me. I'd seen more than enough of that.

"You're not?" I had expected as much, but she'd just proved Sirius quite wrong; I had to get an explanation for it.

"No; not yet." She bit her lip "Not until I'm married. Not this fast. Not as suddenly as this was. Not when I'm only sixteen."

She sort of flinched then, as though afraid that I was going to go ballistic on her or something. I wasn't going to do that – I just gave her a questioning look, seeking more of a rational response.

When she finally looked at me, she told me in a squeaky sort of voice, "If my mum found out, she'd kill me!"

That, predictably, brought on a discussion about priorities, but it was a strange discussion; I never really expected to have it. In that sense, then, it could be considered a very awkward subject matter, but truly, it wasn't; Lily and I are extremely open about values, morals, and related topics, and we don't mind it. Honesty is the best policy, right? I'd been taught that since I was three and kept trying to steal cookies from the cookie jar – "be truthful about your crimes" was my mum's favorite thing to tell me.

Once an honest decision had been established (basically, we were going to have sex when it was right to, not when we were still somewhat fearful of it) between the two of us, I suggested that we go swimming – our shirts were already off anyway. It probably wasn't the most sensitive and touching thing I could have said in that situation, but really, what was I expected to say and do after what we'd talked about? Swimming seemed to be the perfect thing to do at the time, and now, looking back on it, it probably was. It was innocent, wet, and kind of let the other know that we weren't fully grown up yet – we didn't have to rush into that stage of life the way we tended to. I would write down what we actually did in the lake, but quite frankly, I can't recall each specific thing – all I was thinking about was Lily and how much I cared about her. Sure, I would have liked to be with her in that sense as well tonight, but I didn't have to; so long as she was there, I was okay. The rest would come in its own time, so there was no point in trying to rush it.

We went inside for showers after about an hour or so in the lake, but we didn't say much; we didn't have to. Our silence said it all, but I can't really phrase what was going on in my head with words – though not a word came out of our mouths, the time we spent walking back was probably the most valuable. I left Lily by the stairs to her dormitory, kissing her good-night before I went to my own, and wondered what I would tell Sirius in the morning; he was going to be asleep with Kyleigh when I walked in, I knew it, so I'd have a bit more time to craft a good way to tell him that his guidance had been worth shit when put to the actual test.

And, sure enough, there he was, thankfully sound asleep – once, I asked him why he always goes to sleep so early when he's with Kyleigh, and he told me that it was because she was really good at back rubs. I smiled as I recalled the memory and looked at the still form of my best friend; she must give _really_ good back rubs.

I got into bed then, and here I am, writing all about tonight, still in that feeling of wonderment. To be quite candid, I don't really have much else to say – like my walk back to the castle, every thought floating in my head isn't really compatible with simple words. I simply can't express it. So, for now, all I can really say is that I'll write again soon, when my mind is a little less weighted down and my thoughts are easier to put into actual English; there's always a chance that that may translate into never, but we can try and be optimistic about it, can't we?

_A/N: Excusing that horrific and desperate ending from James right there, yes lovely readers, this IS the second to last chapter! And, like I said in the beginning though, please review gently. :) I know this chapter was different, and probably kind of bad, but that's why I need that review – I need to know if I can pull such content off. :/_


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